Nachi dear friend of my soul
and despair are created in all our lives from time to time. You seem to
have attracted more than most. The whys may never be understood by you.
the most beautiful of souls and the most generous of hearts. Your
energy is loved by many of us who connect to you through your
If I was
near you in India I would give you a HUGE hug
know that you are loved so greatly by so many people it may in times of
despair allow you to think on this thought of love.
is a little seed sitting inside you - it is the flowere which is also
of your despair - you bring brightness to my life - just by knowing you are
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, May 02, 2005 11:49
Subject: Soul Food My illness
I am sharing my illness story with you. I am not proud of the many
realities of my life and of my nature yet they do exist. Its hard to be
vulnerable..yet I think it is an important step.
I would appriciate and request guidance, and support.
With Much Love,
I have Panic disorder alongwith ADD, and Bipolar disorder. I also have
I have also had an abusive and secluded childhood which alongwith my
disorders have made me life miserable.
I am jobless for last few years amounting to not being able to adjust
to the practicalities of life.
I am in constant panic, worrying over every little thing,
procrastinating, fearing change, and I don't know how to get back my
In my mind thoughts fly like zillion butterflies..and I am completely
exhausted by them..I have hard time being conscious of the present
moment..so I either play a game in my mind..any game just to keep my mind
busy or talk to myself or live in dreamworld..or have conversations with my
efriends/friends/people..in my mind..its like I need some voice going in my
mind..and the silence in my mind or around me makes me panic..I feel the
walls are closing on me..
I worry over what if thoughts and there are many silly scary thoughts
like that of ghosts or of probability of death in an event..anything can
make me nervous..
When I look at men..I think they might look upon me as an object..when
with women..I am in constant panic..even kids make me ill at ease..I shudder
everytime a telephone bell rings..
when I walk a small step towards changing for the better..I feel
suffocated and have to walk back..its like there is some resistance for
change in my heart/head.
I have ghastly nightmares at night and have hard time finding sound
I have read countless self help books but haven't been able to put them
to use..its like every day I have to start from the beginning..no amount of
discipline or resolve can make permanent changes in my life. I am tired of
trying and losing and now every time I try I cant swallow because I can
think of only losing..
I forget easily..and have hard time learning things..that's why I hated
being in a job..since I have no practical knowledge of this world..am not
good at even at business..and have no idea how I am going to earn my living.
I don't want my life to be in
vain..I want to prove to the people in my world that inspite of having all
these mental disorder a person can make positive contribution to the