Dear Nachi, I could write a long reply, containing similarities of parts of
my life with yours. But to make a long story short, the key is to LOVE THE
FEELINGS WHEN THEY COME UP. Simply that. Don't run, don't hide, don't
rationalize, don't resist. Love the panic. Stop and take the time to hold it
in your hands and love it with your heart. You are loving a little part of
yourself, who was very scared, and needs your love now. Try this and see.
Once you make a habit of doing this, it will all flow rather nicely to
healing...day by day as the feelings come up. Your sister in transformation
and transmutation, Cynthia
On Behalf Of Nachiketan
Sent: Monday, May 02, 2005 9:50 AM
Subject: << lovingpurelove >> My illness story
I am sharing my illness story with you. I am not proud of the many realities
of my life and of my nature yet they do exist. Its hard to be
vulnerable..yet I think it is an important step.
I would appriciate and request guidance, and support.
With Much Love,
I have Panic disorder alongwith ADD, and Bipolar disorder. I also have
I have also had an abusive and secluded childhood which alongwith my
disorders have made me life miserable.
I am jobless for last few years amounting to not being able to adjust to the
practicalities of life.
I am in constant panic, worrying over every little thing, procrastinating,
fearing change, and I don't know how to get back my life.
In my mind thoughts fly like zillion butterflies..and I am completely
exhausted by them..I have hard time being conscious of the present
moment..so I either play a game in my mind..any game just to keep my mind
busy or talk to myself or live in dreamworld..or have conversations with my
efriends/friends/people..in my mind..its like I need some voice going in my
mind..and the silence in my mind or around me makes me panic..I feel the
walls are closing on me..
I worry over what if thoughts and there are many silly scary thoughts like
that of ghosts or of probability of death in an event..anything can make me
When I look at men..I think they might look upon me as an object..when with
women..I am in constant panic..even kids make me ill at ease..I shudder
everytime a telephone bell rings..
when I walk a small step towards changing for the better..I feel suffocated
and have to walk back..its like there is some resistance for change in my
I have ghastly nightmares at night and have hard time finding sound sleep.
I have read countless self help books but haven't been able to put them to
use..its like every day I have to start from the beginning..no amount of
discipline or resolve can make permanent changes in my life. I am tired of
trying and losing and now every time I try I cant swallow because I can
think of only losing..
I forget easily..and have hard time learning things..that's why I hated
being in a job..since I have no practical knowledge of this world..am not
good at even at business..and have no idea how I am going to earn my living.
I don't want my life to be in vain..I want to prove to the people in my
world that inspite of having all these mental disorder a person can make
positive contribution to the world..
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