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From the NY Times:
February 13, 1999
And the Road Runner Fosters Disrespect for Speed Limits
By JEFF MACGREGOR
CONFIDENTIAL INTERNAL REPORT! READ AND DESTROY!
To: The Reverend Jerry Falwell
From: Special Detectives Hunt, Wordsworth and Peck
RE: Teletubby Surveillance/Children's Television Investigation
Pursuant to client's request for character profiles, loyalty/liability
crosschecks and deep background information on "Teletubbies," our
yielded data as follows:
Teletubby "Tinky Winky": Purple in color, subject Teletubby is
observed to carry a purse, yet speaks in a man's voice. Subject antenna
triangular in shape.
Interpretation: Extensive investigation reveals purple to be "gay
pride" color (i.e. concord grapes, Minnesota Vikings, etc.). F.Y.I. Barney the
Dinosaur is another roly-poly, aubergine children's favorite. He loves to
and sing, but doesn't seem to wear pants. The Tinky Winky purse is doubtless a
feminizing icon deployed as a gender-confusing subterfuge. Subject Teletubby
also speaks with vague British accent. Oscar Wilde lived in Britain.
Conclusion: Subject Teletubby "Tinky Winky" is obviously the subliminal
spokestubby for the "homosexual" or "gay" life style.
Teletubby "Po": Red in color, with circular antenna.
Interpretation: Red has long been the symbolic color of global Communism. The
name "Po" could be taken from the river in Italy (a hotbed of failed
quasi-Communist policies), or derived from the name of the Cambodian madman,
Pot. The circular antenna represents the circular arguments that underlie the
tenets of Marxist-Leninist social and economic theory.
Conclusion: Subject Teletubby "Po" is the subliminal spokestubby for a
resurgent international Communist revolution.
Alternate Conclusion: "Po" might be a reference to Edgar Allan Poe, a
neurotic 19th-century writer, just like Oscar Wilde. (See above.)
Teletubby "Laa-Laa": Bright yellow/orange in color, antenna shaped
like pig's tail.
Interpretation: "Laa-Laa" is an obvious reference to Los Angeles
(often called "La-La Land" by gossip columnists and other waggish hipsters).
bright citrus colors are an ironic nod to the wholesome crops of lemons and
oranges that once flourished in the pious San Fernando Valley and Hollywood
Hills, but that have since been replaced by the degenerate entertainment
Conclusion: "Laa-Laa" is the spokestubby for the National Academy of
Motion Picture Arts and Sciences or the Screen Actors Guild, and is
encouraging our children to seek work in the entertainment industry.
Teletubby "Dipsy": Green in color, subject Teletubby has a straw
coming out of his head.
Interpretation: Looks like a giant frozen daiquiri.
Conclusion: Blender drinks are popular among supporters of alternative
That these Teletubbies take their marching orders from speakers that rise up
from the ground (a metaphor delineating Orwellian mind control?) is bad
That they live in a kind of dome under a windmill that spins out a spiral of
what look like bright white crystals should be reason enough for investigation
by state authorities. That they do so without the benefit of marriage (or
clothes!) is inexcusable.
The F.B.I. investigations of Rocky and Bullwinkle, Bert and Ernie, Heckle and
Jeckle, etc., prove beyond doubt that these sort of same-sex partnerships send
the wrong message to our children. That Yogi Bear and his partner, Booboo,
choose to spend their time in the forest, again many times without pants, is
their right, but it is our right and duty to keep children from seeing it.
We therefore conclude that your instinct about the true nature of the
Teletubbies is correct: they are a subversive force for international evil,
operating in league with a global cabal of gay television executives and purse
manufacturers, bent on nothing less than world domination.
ADDENDUM: Further investigation into your controversial assertion last month
that the Antichrist is a Jewish man living on earth at this moment has yielded
an interesting theory.
While watching television for the Teletubbies report filed above, one
of our operatives noticed a male cartoon character who thrived on the kind of
anarchy and confusion usually ascribed to the Antichrist. His name even
the Yiddish word for a long, convoluted story or series of events.
It is our conviction, therefore, that you can announce with impunity at your
next national press conference that one "Magilla Gorilla" is the Antichrist.
Our bill follows under separate cover.
Jeff MacGregor is a writer in Manhattan.
Tinky *winky* - Is Jerry Falwell a Homosexual?
Date: Saturday, February 13, 1999 08:29:29 AM
Guffaw. Regarding Jerry Falwell's tantrum over the "Teletubbies," I
wonder how he would respond to the following excerpt from my book "The
Christ Conspiracy", from a chapter entitled "The Bible, Sex and
Drugs." Please feel free to circulate it to find out.
Christianity and Homosexuality
As Aquinas said regarding prostitution, the repression of sex and the
hatred of women have indeed led to one of the behaviors most outwardly
despised by Judaism and Christianity: "sodomy," or homosexuality. In
reality, in many places in the ancient world homosexuality was not
considered a sin but was practiced for a variety of reasons. The
Christian world, of course, has never been devoid of homosexuality,
and Christianity's early representatives were compelled to address it,
as in the Epistle of Barnabas. In Barnabas, the writer explains the
"Laws of Diet" as laid down by Moses, including the following:
"Among other things, [Moses] also says, you are not to eat of the hare
[Lev. 11:6], by which he means you are not to debauch young boys, or
become like those who do; because the hare grows a fresh orifice in
its backside every year, and has as many of these holes as the years
of its life."
This paragraph is enlightening indeed, in that we discover not only
that the debauching of young boys was a problem with the Christians
but also that hares grow numerous orifices in their "backsides." It
is also interesting that this "dietary law" apparently does not
prohibit the debauching of older men.
Eusebius relates a passage from the works of Christian father Tatian
concerning the Cynic philosopher Crescens that gives further insight
into the climate of the day: "Crescens, for instance, who made his
lair in the great city, went beyond everyone in his offences against
boys . . . " The use of the term "everyone" is curious, in that it
indicates that the writer himself and his compatriots were included in
this category, rather than being outsiders. The statement also
appears to express that this type of debauchery was common and
socially acceptable, such that Crescens was evidently to be reviled
not for his homosexuality itself but for his excessiveness.
As noted, the early Christians had some intriguing secret initiation
rites, as also evidenced by the fragment of a letter purporting to be
from Clement of Alexandria to one Theodore. In this letter, Clement
repudiates the Gnostic-Christian sect of the Carpocratians and
outlines secret scriptures that evidently had been originally in the
Gospel of Mark, chapter 10, and contained "an account of the raising
of a young man from the dead, a rite of initiation, and a brief
excerpt of an encounter between Jesus and three women." In response
to Theodore's questions, Clement relates the contents of this "Secret
Gospel of Mark" as follows:
"And they come into Bethany. And a certain woman whose brother had
died was there. And, coming, she prostrated herself before Jesus and
says to him, 'Son of David, have mercy on me.' But the disciples
rebuked her. And Jesus being angered, went off with her into the
garden where the tomb was, and straightaway a great cry was heard from
the tomb. And going near Jesus rolled away the stone from the door of
the tomb. And straightaway going in where the youth was, he stretched
forth his hand and raised him, seizing his hand. But the youth,
looking upon him, loved him and began to beseech him that he might be
with him. And going out of the tomb they came into the house of the
youth, for he was rich. And after six days Jesus told him what to do
and in the evening the youth comes to him, wearing a linen cloth over
his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught
him the mystery of the Kingdom of God. And thence, arising, he
returned to the other side of the Jordan."
In response to Theodore's questions, Clement further relates:
"After these words follows the text, 'And James and John come to him,'
and all that section. But 'naked man with naked man,' and the other
things about which you wrote, are not found.'"
The suggestion is, of course, that Christ and his followers were
alleged to have engaged in homosexual rites. As Akerley says, "In the
secret gospel, Christ emerges as a teacher and practitioner of
forbidden occult practices with strong erotic overtones." However we
wish to interpret this data, it would not be untruthful to assert that
a measurable amount of homosexuality has gone on behind the doors of
monasteries and churches from the beginning.
In fact, considering how much emphasis is placed on the male in
patriarchal religion such as Christianity, in which monks are "married
to the Church" and passionate lovers of Christ, it is ironic that
homosexuality is overtly considered a terrible crime, with "those who
have intercourse with males" being viewed as "blasphemers" who cannot
enter into the "kingdom of heaven." Because of the vicious mentality
towards homosexuality, which is purported to originate with the Deity
"himself," homosexuals were driven to become monastics, in order to
"purify" themselves of their overwhelming, "sinful" desires. This
penitential sequestration has led to monasteries full of repressed
homosexuals attempting to contain their urges but frequently failing,
which is understandable considering the temptation all around. In
other words, monasteries have served as "communal closets." In fact,
this practice was common enough to warrant prohibition in the Secret
Instructions of the Society of Jesus, i.e., the Jesuits:
"If two of ourselves have sinned carnally, he who first avows it will
be retained in the Society; and the other will be expelled; but he who
remains permanent, will be after such mortification and bad treatment,
of sorrow, and by his impatience, and if we have occasion for his
expulsion, it will be necessary for the future of it that it be done
The orthodox Christian position towards homosexuality has been that it
is a seductive temptation to be resisted at all costs, an interesting
attitude, because homosexuality would in truth only be tempting to
those who are initially inclined thus. Furthermore, a number of the
Christian historicizers and conspirators also had serious problems
with sex and women, such that it would not be farfetched to suggest
they were homosexuals, repressed, closeted or otherwise, like the
purported secret, rich, closeted homosexual fraternity of today called
"Gamma Mu." One can find clues as to the homosexuality within their
Christian brotherhood scattered here and there in the various writings
of the early Church fathers, in secret gospels and allegedly in at
least one unexpurgated canonical gospel, as noted. In any case, it
can be argued with 100 percent certainty that monastic brotherhoods
have often been the site of homosexual activity.
One of the most notorious of the "closeted" Christian homosexuals was
in fact King James I, the patron of the King James Bible, which is so
highly esteemed by evangelical Christians [of which Jerry Falwell is
one]. As related by Otto Scott, King James "was a known homosexual
who murdered his young lovers and victimized countless heretics and
women. His cruelty was justified by his 'divine right' of kings."
Archaeologist, Historian, Mythologist, Linguist, Humanist Minister
Member, American School of Classical Studies at Athens, Greece
Associate Director, Institute for Historical Accuracy
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