Okay, you're the second person in the last two days who has implied I
abandoned my poor, sick husband. So here's the story:
I failed to mention my husband had a work-related accident in November, 1995,
involving ruptured discs in his low back from which he never fully recovered.
Through a long, drawn-out workers' compensation process, much physical
therapy & many appointments with specialists, he was diagnosed as permanently
He had other pre-existing maladies for which he was taking many medications,
i.e., high blood pressure, prostate disease, depression & receiving epidural
injections in his low back for the pain from which he developed bowel &
bladder incontinence as a side effect & from previous bladder/prostate &
He also had previous surgery for anal/rectal polyps & abdominal hernia & was
diagnosed with a very small, unoperable aortic aneurysm after his accident.
He was also hard of hearing but refused to wearing hearing aids, which made
He recovered okay from the surgeries but was still considered permanently
disabled because of his accident. His doctors assured us that NONE of these
were fatal but that he had developed spinal stenosis that worsened over time &
he wouldn't be able to work again, also NON-fatal. So we were both given to
believe by his physicians he had many, many years of life yet to live as he
was tested many times for possible cancer & other stuff but none of the tests
were positive for that.
In his frustrations with his disabilities, he became increasingly mean,
uncooperative, verbally/physically abusive to me. He broke things on purpose
in the house & also by accident in the house & car. He punched holes in the
walls, kicked doors in, broke doors beyond repair, door jambs & door knobs,
kept knocking screens off windows, broke dishes & brick-a-brick by throwing
it, mostly my things. In both mine & his cars, he repeatedly broke the turn
signals, the gear shift indicator & various other handles & knobs in his
haste & temper outbursts.
Every day he cursed & swore obscenely & loudly at the tv &/or radio, both
inside & out on the patio so the neighbors could hear him. He was completely
belligerant with me & refused to obey his psychoneurologist's & other doctors
& social worker's recommendations that he get an MRI brain scan & be
evaluated for level of care by an M.D. neurologist.
And there was no way on earth I could get him to go for that, because he was
having delusions all I wanted to do was institutionalize him & steal our
joint money, which never, at any time, was true. All I wanted was for someone
to come in & help me care for him & give me some sleep time & respite away
from home as I was semi-disabled, had my own illnesses & accidents & was
seeing a chiropractor 3x a week, for the past three years plus many of my own
doctor appointments, surgeries & legal cases for the accidents which weren't
He didn't seem to understand that I could not take care of him alone or that
I was sick & he refused to have anyone come in to help me at all. He refused
meals on wheels to give me a shopping/cooking break & I still had all the
housework to do in a two story townhouse by myself as we were living on only
his & my small social security & the disability payments & couldn't afford
I also attended Alzheimer's Association meetings at night when I could as
recommended by his psychoneurologist who diagnosed him with "dementia such as
Alzheimer's". He refused to go to the day care center for Alzheimer's
patients to give me a break. He refused to go to the Veteran's hospital for
two weeks, twice a year for respite for myself & evaluation & diagnosis for
himself. He just refused everything for his or my sake or help & continued to
be increasingly violent, destructive, aggressive, stubborn, uncooperative,
verbally & physically abusive.
After getting lost while driving several times & having two minor accidents,
his fault, & one major one when he ran into a parked car head on & totalled
out my car & had chest injuries, I hid the car keys from him. He became even
more abusive after that & began to strike out at me & order me to go to the
store for his cigarettes or candy way late at night or in the wee hours of
the morning because he didn't sleep well & was up wandering around the house
all hours of the day & night, leaving the stove burner on, lights & tv/radio
on, stumbling & falling in the hall, out of bed & down the stairs. I had to
supervise him every minute & carry things for him so he wouldn't fall down &
I had always been on good terms with his family for over 25 years. I begged
him & his two grown sons & wives or his wealthy sister to assist me in
getting help. Or for his family to give me a break & help me take care of him
& give me some respite so I could regain my own health.
I begged his family to sit down & have family meetings with me to figure out
a plan about how to get him to the M.D. neurologist for level of care
diagnosis. His family kept refusing to help me or made excuses to cancel the
meetings over & over again.
I have letters to prove all this & notes of phone calls to them & from them.
During the last year, I began to realize his family was hostile toward me for
whatever reason I cannot understand. My doctor began to realize this as she
was urging me to get out of the house & stay at my daughter's for rest &
respite after several trips to the emergency room with chest pains & anxiety
attacks, plus the various surgeries I hadn't recovered fully from & my own
thyroid condition & chronic pain & fatigue.
One of his sons is a well known millionaire movie-tv star &
comedian/producer. He & his actress wife (no kids) lives in Beverly Hills &
have a large house & a guest house on his property as big as our little
townhouse was. He never offered once to take his father there & care for him,
though I sent both him & his brother & their wives all the doctors reports &
wrote them letters about all this over the years.
His older brother, wife & two kids lived about 10 mintues from us. He came
over a couple of times a month only, stayed for l/2 hour & then left. Once a
month they had us over for dinner at their house as pre-agreed because I
couldn't have them over at our place anymore. Near the end, they had their
dad over for dinner twice a month & I stayed home for respite which was the
only time they gave me a few hours of.
When both sons were at the house one time, I showed them the damage done to
the doors & house. They told me: "We're Jews & Jews don't know how to fix
anything". So I never asked them to help with the repair work after that & I
couldn't afford to hire a repair person so I did what I could myself with my
daughter & son-in-law's & my son's help.
My kids offered to help me far more than his kids every did. And that wasn't
their father either, he was their stepfather. But they never baby-sat him for
me while I was out. Their own father, my first husband has schizophrenia & my
kids help care for him also.
I never could understand why his kids (both in their early forties as are
mine) could leave a sick, semi-disabled woman singlehandedly caregiving their
father. You'd think they'd want an able-bodied young, strong person, not my
5'l" 110 lb self when my husband weighed around 200 pounds most of the time.
I have severe spinal scoliosis/arthritis, disc degeneration of 30 years
duration myself with chronic pain from that which limits what I can do in my
60s (now 65). I'm not supposed to lift over 10 pounds. His kids knew about
that years ago & I sent them my medical records also & doctors
recommendations but they ignored it all & treated me as if I am Superwoman,
which I'm not.
After the last trip to emergency room with chest pains, my doctor ordered me
to leave home for rest & respite saying I was physically, mentally,
emotionally exhausted. So, his nearby son & wife were notified as we had a
long-standing agreement that if I had to leave overnight for any reason, they
would take over for me with their dad.
But when I left for rest at my daughter's for a few weeks a month earlier,
they asked their dad if he'd be okay by himself & of course he said yes. So
they left town for three days & nights without telling anyone he was alone at
home to check on him. I was furious with them for leaving him alone like that
altho he seemed to do okay, at least that time he did. Except he'd call me at
my daughter's several times a day with questions about this or that & ask me
to come back home. He didn't have the mental capacity to even realize I
needed rest & respite from him at all.
When I asked him one day, what he wanted me to do about my own needs, he
pounded his fist on the desk & said "I want you right here". Another time
when I gave him a medical release form to sign, he wadded it up, threw it in
my face & shouted "F---- you" and "Get the hell out of here"! I reported
those incidents & his overal manic behavior to his primary care physician who
got a recommendation for him to see a Dr. White, a neurologist for further
testing. But that never happened because he refused to go & I couldn't talk
him into going or get him there any way I knew of.
His sons refused to assist me in getting him to go also.
A month later I went to stay at my daughter's again for a week or so respite.
That time my stepson then locked me out, changed the locks, filed restraining
orders & divorce against me for his father, took his dad to the bank to get
our joint accounts cancelled & my name taken off so he could open a new one
for his dad & himself.
That's theft, IMO, because I never at any time, gave my stepson permission to
manage any part of my joint money at all. After he did that, I had no money
to pay the joint bills with, as I had taken all the bills & checkbook with me
to pay them as I always had, at home or away from home. In fact, before I
left home, I told my husband & his son I was taking the bills & checkbook
with me so I could pay them as it was my responsibility to do so.
After I left the second time, I tried to go back home to get the bank account
mess fixed by talking to my husband about it because I had talked to my
husband on the phone about it & he agreed it was a mistake & he would correct
it. My stepson was there & he barred me from entering my own house & when I
tried to get in, he knocked me down & broke my arm. He refused to talk about
anything at all with me & wouldn't let me talk to my husband either.
He got away with that too, neither the police or district attorney or Adult
Protective Services did a thing to him because he said it was an accident,
which it wasn't. They told me it was up to my attorney & courts to resolve
the issue & that's where it's been ever since then. I didn't file for divorce
& never wanted any. I just wanted some help at home to caregive my husband &
myself which nobody in his family or anywhere else gave me & which my husband
refused to allow me to have or cooperate with me about.
But I was living in an insane asylum with a sick, raving maniac & just
couldn't do it anymore singlehandedly. Dementia comes from the word "Demon" &
that's exactly what I was living with. It was crazy & I've been rendered
homeless & in debt for $100,000. in legal & medical debts I'm responsible for
But my stepsons are claiming 80% of our joint estate is theirs even though I
put every cent of my earnings, gifts & awards into our joint accounts from
Day One of our marriage to pay for everything, even the house mortgage & cars
& all other joint bills. They put nothing into our marriage & they even were
paying us back for about $88,000. in loans they were making quarterly
payments to us for, which they stopped doing now, though they still owe it to
me, as widow.
A month later in August, 2000, in court about the divorce, the judge dropped
the restraining orders on me after seeing my broken arm, seeing my stepson's &
husband's larger sizes compared to my very small stature. But there were
"standard" mutual restraining orders as part of the divorce that prevented
both my husband & myself from contacting one another.
Also because my husband was worse sick that I was, he got control of the
house so I wasn't allowed to go back onto my own property nor did I have any
further contact with him or any member of his family after that & I still
don't. My attorney had me agree not to contact any member of his family or
himself & vice versa. Everything I heard about them or him & his welfare was
from my attorney who was told by their attorney or through letters to his
attorney from me when I didn't have an attorney.
I've had 5 attorneys so far, mostly because they said my stepson was
hotheaded & they didn't want to tangle with him or have him coming to their
house or office. That's what they implied to me anyway, tho they made up
other excuses to get off the case after they met him. So I had to represent
myself for many months, which was awful for me because I don't have a law
degree & they creamed me in court & outside of it too. Their attorney went to
the judge behind my back too at one time. They've pulled every trick in the
book or out of it.
His attorney didn't tell my attorney that my husband, a few months later,
fell & broke his hip (because his kids left him alone at home all that time) &
had two hip surgeries & was later diagnosed with cancer & given a few months
to live because the hip sugeries didn't work. After he was in & out of the
hospital twice & in a rehab center, they hired a live-in male nurse to
caregive him 24/7 with our joint money, without my permission. They let him
smoke cigarettes in the house all day too, which I never allowed. No doubt
that's how he got lung cancer. That's part of where the $100,000. debts came
They tricked me into signing the house sale contract too by not telling me my
husband had been fatally ill months earlier or was on his death bed at the
& their attorney pushed me into signing. My husband died two days later & my
attorney didn't know about it & couldn't get to me in time, over the weekend,
when he found out a day or so earlier. So they withheld the facts of his
fatal cancer in three organs & his death watch from me also because I wasn't
allowed any contact with them & their attorney didn't notify mine.
Now I'm basically homeless because I can't even rent a place with my credit
ruined & I can't buy another place because they won't let me have my house
sale money or any part of the estate assets. I've also had to move/relocate
five times during the past year & a half because there was a fire at my
daughter's & we all had to move to hotels & then I had to rent a room in
another town & then back to my house to get it ready to sell, pack & move &
then to my brother's apartment temporarily in another town two hours drive
north of my own home. I'm not done moving yet either even though I'm injured
from moving/packing all these times & limited physical ability & chronic pain
& fatigue. It's exhausting for anyone, let alone a 65 year old semi-disabled
So they're just plain greedy or jealous or whatever & they influenced their
father to do this to me somehow so they could get most of the estate & leave
me homeless, penniless & thrown away like an old dish rag. It's criminal what
they're doing & getting away with & they need to be stopped. Nobody should
treat anyone this way, especially elders like myself. they're deliberately
trying to wear me out, exhaust me physically, financially & every other way
they can so I will stop trying to get any part of what they stole from me.
My attorneys have all told me that, even the estate attorney on the case now
who isn't cooperating or communicating with me & doesn't want to talk to me &
who dropped the injury action against my stepson without consulting me first.
I've filed a complaint with the State Bar against him but I still have to go
to court with him next month because I cannot afford yet another attorney.
So that's the story & where it's at right now & I don't know where to go for
help from here. But I have ample documentation I never at any time tried to
take money from out joint accounts but handled everything with complete
honesty all the way through & still am as I would have wanted my husband to
if the situation was reversed. So there's no way to prove otherwise unless
they lie about it as they have been. Then they'll have to prove their lies.
In a message dated 1/14/02 7:55:38 PM Pacific Standard Time,
> Your husband had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's in March, 2000, trusted
> to handle his affairs as a result, then in July, 2000 you separated from
> and were "undergoing a marriage dissolution process" as you so
> euphemistically put it. You may have a problem with convincing a court you
> kept your end of the bargain, and acted with the purest of motives and best
> of intentions. Funny how you were supposed to be on top of his affairs,
> didn't know he was fatally ill. Must have been a very well kept secret!
> Ray Madison
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