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Betreff: WG: Jewish Food Descriptions (Humor)
Datum: Mon, 9 Jan 2006 13:27:34 +0100
Von: Ami Landmann <ami@...
An: Assa Weinberg <assaweinberg@...
> Jewish Food Descriptions
> by Eli Birnbaum
> Latkes: A pancake-like structure not to be confused with
> anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is
> in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal.
> Latkas can be eaten with applesauce, but NEVER with maple syrup. There
> is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by
> mistake and it burned for eight days.
> What is certain is that you will have heartburn for the same
> amount of time.
> Kasha Varnishkes: One of the little-known delicacies which is
> even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do
> with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie
> macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and
> agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the
> table without a tie" or, God forbid, "An elbow on my table?"
> Matzoh: The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It
> consists of a simple mix of flour and water-- no eggs or flavor at
> all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its
> redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stay with you for a
> long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon
> Blintzes: Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can
> you imagine the N.Y. Post 1939 headline: "Germans drop tons of cheese
> and blueberry blintzes over Poland -- shortage of sour cream expected"
> Basically this is the Jewish answer to crepe suzette.
> Kishka: You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old
> days they'd take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment
> paper or plastic.
> And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour
> and spices.
> But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the
> cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no
> chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
> Kreplach: It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a
> Rabbinical debate on its origins. One rabbi claims it began when a
> fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started
> in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy
> and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or
> your mother-in-law who cooked it.
> Cholent: This combination of noxious gases had been the secret
> weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley,
> potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and
> anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican
> restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard the comment from a
> youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican refried beans:
> "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here, too?!"
> My wife once tried something unusual for guests. She made
> cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.
> Gefilte Fish: A few years ago, I had problems with my filter
> in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My
> 5-year-old son looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it
> 'Ge Filtered Fish'?"
> Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and
> vegetable mixture.
> Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with
> horseradish, "chrain", which is judged on its relative strength in
> bringing tears to the eyes at 100 paces.
> Bagels: How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish
> Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the
> bagel although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors
> that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get
> anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself
> eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for
> something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spreading
> of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate.
> And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole
> is the essence, and the dough is only there for emphasis.
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