Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
First I want to wish a Happy Birthday to Christeen aka Streakalo
from Northern California. Christeen is oldest friend and longest
fan on the net who is always willing to take a minute from her busy
life as a bookkeeper to teach me humility by whipping my butt at
Literati over in Yahoogames. Happy Birthday Streakalo.
There is a definite disturbance in the force everyone. My email
that I sent myself last night has not come back yet. For that reason
the Scuttlebutt will be nonexistent tonight unless something happens
between now and post time. Even though my regular mail has had
problems getting here for the past two days, I have received several
cleaned virus generated emails and several spam mails. It has given
me a chance to clean some of my mail up though and my inbox only has
1200 pieces in it right now, instead of the usual 1850 as Friday
Tonight supper although really delicious was not easily
My wife had said she was preparing chicken stir fry for supper and
what was sitting in front of me had no resemblance to the dish. It
turns out that due to out of soy sauce, don't want to cook rice,
and stale chow mien noodles, the end result was a mixture of chicken
breast, fresh snow peas, oriental vegetables, chop suey gravy, and
Worcestershire sauce over a bed of oyster crackers. After tasting
it and complimenting her on the mixture, I commented that trying to
pass that off as stir fry to anyone of Japanese descent might cause a
repeat of the events of Dec. 7, 1941.. Hope you enjoy the chips and
there is some leftover stir fry if your hungry. You'll have to bring
your own oyster crackers though or you might have to eat it on a bed
of French Toast Sticks.. heh heh .. buffalo
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A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a
wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case,
the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his
appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome
Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it
back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible
compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, "
acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill,
replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the
lawyer with a smile.
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He Made It!
A man is walking home alone late one night when
he hears a loud BUMP BUMP! behind him.
Walking faster, he looks back, and makes out the image
of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle
of the street towards him.BUMP, BUMP....
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin
bouncing quickly behind him, faster and faster.
BUMP, BUMP, BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys,
opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
But the coffin crashes through his door, with its lid clapping
-- clappity-BUMP! -- on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down
the door, bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything!
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup.
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin...
The coffin stops.
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What the Store-employees really mean...
1. "Can I help you get a size?"
Don't touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don't need
hands messing it up again.
2. "Do you need help with anything?"
Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.
3. "Welcome to <<Store Name Here>>"
Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair
4. "Have a nice day!"
Now that you ruined mine
5. "Thank you for shopping at <<Store Name Here>>"
Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!
6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?"
The more you can carry, the more you can buy!
7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?"
Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here, why are you
8. "Can I help you get something down?"
I'll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice
put in the absolute wrong place.
9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it"
You would just mess it up again if you folded it.
10. "No, we don't have any more in the back"
I just don't want to check
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A rat looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his
opening a package. What food might it contain? He was aghast to
that it was a rat trap. Retreating to the barnyard the rat proclaimed
warning; "There's a rat trap in the house, a rat trap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Excuse
Rat, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no
to me. I cannot be bothered by it." The rat turned to the pig and
"There's a rat trap in the house, a rat trap in the house!" "I am so
sorry Mr. Rat," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing I can do
but pray. Be assured that you are in my prayers." The rat turned to
She said, "Like wow, Mr. Rat. a rat trap. I am in grave danger. Duh?"
rat returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the
sound of a
rat trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was
In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose
trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed
the hospital. She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you
fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the
barnyard for the soup's main ingredient.
His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to
her around the clock. To feed them the farmer butchered the pig. The
farmer's wife did not get well. She died, and so many people came for
funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for
them to eat.
So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think
does not concern you, remember that when there is a rat trap in the
the whole barnyard's at risk.
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Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan
is sitting between them. The first Texan says, " My name is Roger. I
own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle and they call my place
The Jolly Roger"
The second Texan says, ' My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have
5000 head of cattle and they call my place Big Johns'.
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, ' My name is Irving
and I own 300 acres ' .
Roger looks down at him and say, ' 300 Acres? What do you raise?
'Notink' Irving says.
Well then, what do you call it?' Asked John.
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I harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his
shoes, and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven of
my students to England," he said.
"What on earth for?" his wife asked.
"It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on the
left side of the road-legally."
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dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a
life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of
02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error
messages from here.
03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing
for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's
keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get
into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete
it at once. We're just testing.
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and
spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up
and flags it as a rush delivery.
08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.
09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.
person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the
problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have
cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply
in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by
shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to
all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know
exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
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My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as
overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead
bin of the
plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the
"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this
My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't
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A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car,
when he asked,
"Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat
of the apple came
into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize. That changes
structure and turns it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you
talking to me?
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From The Buffalos Mail Box
Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as
sailors stood around the water cask rumors, sea stories and
useful info was spread )
Last night at 10:30, JEdgar died from cancer. He was 1 !/2 years
He passed peacefully over while being cuddled in the arms of Todd.
funeral service will be held today at 2 pm. JEdgar was a very active
rat with a crazy sense of humor. He traveled quite a bit around this
place and was not scared of anything. He made us laugh a lot.
He was bigger than his runt brother, Dicky, who is slightly retarded
but very cuddly and sweet and funny. (We thought Dicky would leave us
before JEdgar.) He was born at PetSmart here in Austin and had a
free and loving personality. His memory will live on in our hearts
forever. Dicky has an appt. with the doctor to make sure he is
and will live longer than his deceased brother. The average rat life
span is about 2-3 years. It's a sad day for us all.
buffalo says This letter is from last month at a time when we were
experiencing several deaths amongst our readers and I thought that
to annnounce the death of any pet, rodent ,feline ,or canin on the
day would be insensitive and reserved the letter for another time.
My belated condolences on the death of your pet and I am sure there
is a spot on the Rainbow Bridge for rats too.
This letter is long but powerful. Print it and take a quiet minute
At A Wisconsin Memorial Service; The Public Finally Got It
By Deputy Chief Rick Conception, Winthrop Harbor (Ill.) Police
I went to the police memorial service for officers Robert Etter and
Stephanie Markins of the Hobart, Wisconsin police Department last
An angry man who intentionally rammed his pickup truck at over 70 mph
the side of their squad car -- as they sat parked on a side street
over paperwork -- and killed the two police officers. As is
police work we wanted to attend the service to both pay our respects
represent our agency.
My partner and I left early in the morning to complete the long
two-and-a-half-hour drive from Winthrop Harbor, Ill. to Green Bay,
Wisconsin. I've been to other police funerals so I sort of knew what
There would be the usual memorials and speakers. There would be the
procession of police cars that would perturb motorists who really
care about what happened but simply wanted to get to their
quickly as possible. Every now and then someone walking along the
might glance up for a moment, then continue on their way. People
their lawn or washing their car would scarcely even notice all the
cars parading by. And at the memorial site a preacher and some
would speak and we would all eventually cry.
I am not ashamed to cry at these things, as a matter of fact I always
"I cry proudly and unashamed!"
Crying is part of the natural grieving process and as my father used
say, "If God didn't mean for us to cry he wouldn't have given us tear
I've always considered it a point of pride that Cops cry for one
My friends in the business world don't experience that type of bond
their fellow workers. If a man or woman in the human resources
of your local corporate America business firm passes away you'd never
business people from all the surrounding firms, much less people
of state businesses coming to pay their respects. That type of bond
But in Law Enforcement, when a Cop is killed in the line of duty you
Cops from all over the country driving there to show their respects
attend the funeral.
Why? It's because we understand that we must rely on each other for
very survival. I always remind my friends who work in corporate
that there isn't people hating them and trying to kill them simply
of what they do. But police officers are targeted everyday by people
to harm or kill us simply because we're police officers. And as I was
to find out people are finally starting to understand this.
We arrived to the normal scene of hundreds of police cars lined up
procession. There was the traditional motorcycle officers ("Motors'
they're known in police circles) that would be leading the procession
the memorial or burial site. We got out of the car and began the
walking around looking at the cars from all the jurisdictions. A loud
reunion of friends who had not seen each other since the last police
funeral could be sporadically heard erupting every now and then.
had washed and waxed their cars so they would look good and everyone
their best uniforms. All had the dark mourning band across their
Whether it was a star, shield, circle, or any other badge of office a
of dark cloth to show mourning and respect for the fallen officers
respectfully covered it.
One of the 'host officers' directed us to the refreshment table where
could get the usual soft drinks, coffee, and snacks while we waited
procession to begin. Since there were so many cars and officers
snack table was some two blocks away. No problem. We needed to
legs anyway after the long drive. It was when we began walking that I
my first clue that this one was going to be different.
As we walked along the road I did what all Cops do and began looking
and taking in my surroundings always looking for the danger or the
threat. But I saw neither this day. Instead I saw something that I
never seen in my 15 years on the job, I saw people lining both sides
road. They weren't washing their cars, mowing their lawns, or trying
be seen by us. Instead they were sitting, standing, pulling out more
to sit on, bringing their children out, and even bringing out
bound elderly people!
They did not avert their gaze the way a lot of street people do when
look at them. Instead they stared back at us and locked our gaze. Not
challenging or disrespectful way but instead they gave us a look of
sympathy, caring, as if they were sharing our pain. I found myself
averting my gaze, puzzled by what I was seeing. For as long as I can
remember the police have always been the "red headed step children"
public safety world. All love the Fire Department and all seem to
the Police. That's the way it's always been.
There's a popular joke that says "The fire department kicks in your
breaks out your windows, burns your house down while filling your
with thousands of gallons of water and people love them! We (Police)
down a door to serve a search warrant on a drug house and we get
There's truth in all humor as the saying goes and this joke is one
understood by both firefighters and police alike. But on this day I
seeing any of that dislike or hate in the faces of these people
road. I was seeing genuine caring and, as I was about to find out
this warmth here was just the tip of the iceberg.
We heard a quick blast of a police siren and soon saw the flashing
blue lights of the squad cars begin to come to life and we knew it
to begin the long procession to the memorial site. First the
cops roared by, along our right side ahead of the limousines with the
tinted windows that carried the families of the slain officers. As
cars slowly began to move we tucked our squad car tightly in behind
in front of us. As we passed block after block we saw the same thing
and over, a lot of people lining the roads as we passed.
I commented to my partner that this was kind of unusual and he said
as his head just moved back and forth taking in the sight of all the
people. Then, as we drove under a viaduct we saw something that just
touched our heart so very deeply. Standing on the side of the road
young girls holding up signs.
These girls weren't smiling or giggling as most young girls do in
group settings, instead they had a somber and respectful look on
face. I think my partner and I must have read the signs at the same
Written in red and blue letters on white poster bard was the message
read "YOU'RE OUR AMERICAN HEROES! FOR ALL YOU DO, THANK YOU!" The
moment I read that simple message and saw the looks on those kids'
could feel the tears come streaming down my face. My partner who had
started to cry blurted out "I was doing good up until now."
I could only reply with a very coarse "yeah". I sat there in the
seat of our squad car with tears running down my face falling onto my
blue uniform. Every time we hit even the lightest of bumps my medals
uniform would clank together and tears would drip down off of my
onto my jacket. It took me several minutes to gather myself together
to talk to my partner. "This is like nothing I've ever seen before" I
There were hundreds of people lining the procession routes. They were
sizes, shapes, colors, and ages. Many were waving flags some were
but all wore that same sympathetic somber look that I had seen with
people on the lawn when I first arrived. It was touching! My entire
those two little words -- "Thank You", that I would have died for --
were on signs held by kids and in the eyes of everyone I looked at!
It was just so overwhelming that I really didn't know how to take
wanted to have my partner stop the car so I could get out and run
arms of these people, bury my head in their shoulder and cry my eyes
It seems that too many times in the job of a police officer we cannot
ourselves to become emotional at even the most tragic of calls.
We have to be strong and concentrate on out duties. But here today at
memorial service it was our turn to cry, our turn to let loose with
emotions and for the first time I felt joined with the public that I
and I wanted to sit down and have a good old fashioned cry with them.
all I could manage was a slight wave every now and then and a slight
We just did not know how to take all this show of solidarity and
A few miles later it was my partners turn to have his emotional
partner was a former Fire Fighter and one of the highest honors
tributes that a fire department can give is that of the "Crossed
Aerials." This is when two fire trucks with tall extendable ladders
each other and extend the ladders to their highest reach and cross
ladders in the center, and thus you have the "Crossed Aerials."
As we made a turn I heard him exclaim "Oh no! This is it!" and I
ahead and there they were, two ladder fire trucks with their tall
ladders raised and crossed in salute over the road. We would drive
under them. This was the first time in my career that I have ever
most honorable of fire service salutes rendered to a police officer,
was very moving. Tears again!
As we traveled this 10-mile route the people lining the roads were
tremendous. They stood out there in the hot sun holding signs,
flags, and saluting us. I was beginning to wonder if I would have any
left to cry when I got the actual ceremony.
When we finally pulled into the beautiful park where the ceremony was
take place, we were met by the sight of all the Motor officers
the position of 'parade rest' in front of their big Harley Davidson
We parked and made our way to the ceremonial area where the podium
hairs were set up. I was amazed at all the media trucks with their
satellite dishes set up and cameras everywhere. At first I was a
off by the media because my first thoughts were that I wanted this to
somewhat private. I wanted to stand here with my 300 to 500 'brothers
sisters in arms' and have a good cry. I didn't want the whole world
watching me stand there crying my eyes out.
But then the more I thought about it the more I realized that I was
the media was there because I wanted them to see how we all pull
when one of our own is senselessly killed. I wanted the people to see
we are humans and we do hurt just like anyone else who doesn't wear a
uniform and risk their life.
The ceremony started and the first speaker put the whole thing into
for me. Pastor Dan Carlson, speaking with an emotionally filled voice
crackled as he held back his own tears, spoke of the September 11th
and how it pulled the country together. Then he said that as he saw
support and love for the police and firefighters who put their lives
line every day he said "I was so glad to see that "THEY FINALLY GOT
There were many other speakers and there many tears cried that day by
people whom you would not normally see moved to that type of emotion.
like Pastor Dan Carlson, I am so thankful that people finally
what I've been trying to explain for the past 15 years to people I
that we put our lives on the line willingly and all we ask in return
simple 'Thank You'!
Police officers do not put their life on the line for pay, for
letters of recognition or anything like that. We do what we do for
other and for the people for whom we serve. Ours is a noble
Duty, Honor, and Service. For that commitment we are underpaid,
highest divorce rates in the nation, and often times are killed or
in the line of duty.
And for all that a simple 'Thank You' is all we would hope for in
recognition. What kind of men and women does it take to accept such a
horrendous calling? Ask yourself that the next time you see a police
"I found that writing my reflections down helps me to deal with and
Winthrop Harbor PD
Rick Conception is Deputy Chief for the Winthrop Harbor Police
He has been on the job for 15 years and has seen a great deal many
(as many other Cops have) both good and bad.
Words and Music by Red Foley
Performed by Elvis Presley
Sequenced by Deb Ackley
"THE STORY AND PHOTOS BEHIND
In August 1936, an ill sheepherder was hospitalized in Fort Benton,
Montana. His faithful working companion, a Border Collie, waited
patiently outside the hospital for his friend's recovery ... but it
was not to be.
Subsequently, the shepherd's relatives decided to have his body be
sent back east for his burial. In the lonely procession that
followed from the hospital to the train depot, the identity and
relationship of the whining dog that accompanied the casket was lost.
The dog was prevented from boarding the train, and soon thereafter
came to be known as "Old Shep." The dog patiently and methodically
held a vigil to insure reunion with his beloved friend. For five-and-
one-half years, "Old Shep" met each passenger train as it chugged
into the station and unboarded its passengers, anticipating his
Old Shep's story exemplifies the devotion and faithfulness of dogs
everywhere. Shep's story was carried in newspapers throughout the
country and overseas. It appeared in the "London Daily
Express," "The New York Times" and in "Ripley's Believe It Or Not."
Occurring in the shadow of the Great Depression and the advent of
World War II, this story took on an added significance for those who
mourned the departure of loved ones and hoped for their safe return.
Old Shep became and still remains a patron saint of loyalty, patience
and friendship. On January 12, 1942, Shep "rejoined his best
friend." Shep was so famous that at the time of his death, the wire
services of "Associated Press" and "United Press International"
carried his obituary along with the war news. Shep's funeral was two
days later. He was laid to rest on the bluff overlooking the train
I quote Dennis the Menace
"If There Ain't No Dogs In Heaven
... It Ain't Heaven!"
On October 3, 1945, ten-year-old Elvis Presley climbed atop a chair
to reach the microphone and performed the song "Old Shep" for a crowd
of several hundred at the Tupelo fair, coming in fifth place in the
talent contest. Ten years later, the King created his first full-
scale riot after an appearance in Jacksonville at a baseball park.
Girls poured through an overhead window, catching the police off
guard, and stole or shredded almost every stitch of clothing Elvis
had on. He scaled the shower area and clung to the pipes overhead
while fans clamored to touch and take home a piece of him.
Written by - Foley & Westpar
When I was a lad
And Old Shep was a pup
Over hills and meadows we'd stray
Just a little boy and his dog
We were both full of fun
We grew up together that way
I remember the time at the old swimming hole
When I would have drowned beyond doubt
But Old Shep was right there
To the rescue he came
He jumped in and then pulled me out
As the years fast roll
Old Shep he grew old
His eyes were fast growing dim
And one day the doctor looked at me and said
I can do no more for your dog
With hands that were trembling
I picked up my gun
And aimed it at Shep's faithful head
I just couldn't do it
I wanted to run
I wish they would shoot me instead
He came to my side
And looked up at me
And laid his old head on my knee
I had struck the best friend that a man ever had
I cried so I scarcely could see
Old Shep he has gone
Where the good doggies go
And no more with old Shep will I roam
But if dogs have a heaven
There's one thing I know
Old Shep has a wonderful home
Goodbye, Max, my perfect boy
Seeing the Hurricane Camile story reminded me of one from Mobile,
This was told to me for the truth by my first "real" boss at the
State Docks. He was from an old Mobile family & Catholic, also.
Seems most of downtown (all there was then) Mobile was destroyed
turn of the 20th century by a huge hurricane. Bishop Toolen
giving a group of Carmelite nuns in town the responsibility to pray
protection from hurricanes.
Things were fine for a long while. My boss told me this story in '75
major storm was predicted--Mobile hadn't had a direct hit since
one" & Mr. Collins assured me that the Carmelites were still there.
from about 100 miles inland, I was still nervous, but this one
& Mobile had no direct hits.
In September of 1979, Frederick roared through. Unless you had seen
damage from Camile (I had. My parents worked with the rescue squad &
went over the next day), you could'nt imagine the destruction. My
memory was a grove of pine trees just north of the city. They were
12-15 feet tall & every one of the them was leaning at a 45 degree
after the storm. They stayed at the angle until they were harvested
Found out later that the Carmelites had almost died out & the last
sent away from Mobile in the mid 70s. I understand the then current
got them back! Mobile hasn't had a direct hit since.
As a afterthought, I had gotten married on Saturday before the storm
Wednesday. Having no money, we had stayed in my husband's apartment
"honeymoon". He was a newman & got called into work on Tuesday
I didn't see or hear from him until Friday night. Not many people
they spent their honeymoon alone, but thank the Lord, he was ok.
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