Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Tonight A Letter From My Sis In Texas
This is in response to Randy, Randy, you can't imagine how cold it
gets in Sault Ste Marie, not even a mile away from Lake Superior, in
a house facing the North. It gets soooooooooooooo cold that even
bugs die. The most beautiful sight in my life is the snow, here in
Houston we have no snow. Home was like a wonderland, as the second
oldest of 10 kids, I did my share of haulin wood and cuttin wood and
splittin kindling. I am the world's best fire starter, legally. I
remember it being so cold that the air coming out of your nose would
freeze. We had a sled made from a car hood to haul wood out of the
woods as kids, we would be the horses and pull out this heapin car
hood full of wood to stack and chop. I can handle my half of a
crosscut saw and a buzz saw. I remember sitting up at night in a
big chair and watching the lightshow on the ceiling that the stove
made, and the s! afe, cozy feeling they gave me.
There are few places colder and snowier than Sault Ste Marie, I
just hope every kid can still lay in bed and wait for the words, " NO
SCHOOL FOR SOO TOWNSHIP" I still love those words
I love you Buffalo
What a sister , Buisness Executive, Cute , Intelligent , and she can
run a buzz saw and build a fire. She's also happily married so all
you guys can cancel your plane tickets to Texas. Enjoy the chips
and I love you too sis .... Buffalo
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An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck were doing
construction work on a scaffold on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,
"Corned beef and cabbage.If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and said, "Burritos
again?? If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump, too."
The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I
get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."
The Next Day: Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef
and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch box, sees a burrito and
jumps to his death
The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna sandwich
and jumps to his death, also.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I had
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I
never would have given it to him again."
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife, and she said,
"Hey, don't look at me... Billy-Bob makes his own lunch."
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Entertainment, Fun and Fantasy...
Whatever your interest we've got a F-R-E-E
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Birdie want a "verm?"
Almost got it...and it's cold, too!!
Time to clock your mood
Wow, who knew? Not just in the park anymore!!
As a card carrying, state certified, board approved southerner what's
done been reared in the south pert near all my life, I'm getting sick
and tired of people on the Internet pretending to be southerners when
How many times to you have to be told when talking to one person, it
ain't URL, its "Y'all."
When you're talking to a whole passel of folk its "all y'all."
When talking bout what a whole passel of folks got, its "all y'alls,"
such as "Tommy John and Mrs. Tommy John, that there field is all
cotton ain't it?"
Just plain URL don't make no sense a'tall. Now, y'all gotta start
getting it right, or folks be thinking we're plumb ignorant.
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Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking
a long walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to
see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If
you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you
that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday
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In my town, Traffic Policemen generally patrol the same area each
day. One day an officer, normally assigned to the Yuppie area, was
sent to the southern end of the County. It's, shall we shall, a
less "polished" area.
Stopping his first violator, he said "Good Morning sir, I'm Officer
[Smith] and I would like to see your driving permit in reference to
a possible violation of Article 21-707, probable Stop Sign
The burly man in the car looked at the Policeman, and said, "Huh?"
Repeating his lil' speech, the officer was met with the same
Then he said, "Listen pea brain, you ran that Stop Sign back there,
now give me your license before I drag your sorry butt out of that
bucket of bolts and
find it myself."
The motorist nodded and reached for his wallet. "Oh. Well ... Sure.
didn't ya say so in the first place?"
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Santa Report 5
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Carter's American Junk
Cell Phone Manners
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A group of U.S. marines arriving in Afganistan found themselves
taking a surprise refresher course on first aid. Following an
involved lesson on making splints, dressing wounds and applying
tourniquets to stop bleeding, the instructor decided to determine how
well the marine class had grasped the information given.
"Goldberg ," he said, pointing to one of the marines, "say you
captured Bin Laden and find he has sustained a minor head wound, what
do you do about it?"
"That's easy, Sir," said Goldberg. "I wrap a tourniquet around his
neck and tighten it until the bleeding stops." --writ by rubin
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WHICH IS BEST?
CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand with self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all enjoy
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE: Anything, as long as there's plenty of both it - and beer
FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)
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A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an
expensive restaurant and topped it off
with some rare Napoleon brandy, then he
summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall,"
he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I
ate just such a repast here and then,
because I couldn't pay for it, you had me
thrown into the gutter like a veritable
"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite
"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest,
"but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you
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From The Buffalos Mail Box
Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )
Another take on the "What position-- " joke is:
What position do you play on the football team?
Oh, sort of crouched and bent over!
Here is a serious inquiry. Maybe some of my fellow Buffaholics can
provide the answer.
If people who are the receipients of Red Cross "charity", e.g.,
clothes, donuts, sundries, have to pay for them, what happens to the
donations people give to the Red Cross? I would expect donations to
be used to buy things the RC gives away, but the RC isn't giving
Obviously, the RC isn't using donations to pay for things the RC
gives to the needy, since they charge the needy for them. Where do
the donations go if the RC recoups its costs by charging for the
things it "gives away"?
This is in response to the woman named Kim, from
Western Pennsylvania, who wrote to Buffalo Chips for
Wednesday, December 5:
My Dad is the Chairman of the Board of the local Red
Cross Chapter. I can tell you that they do not
squander money. I was upset by reading this email. My
Dad served our country in the Air Force and is now
serving as a volunteer to help others...even though he
is a busy businessman and could be using his time in
other ways. He chooses to give freely of his time and
WITHOUT strings attached, unlike Kim, the author of
the letter from Western Pennsylvania! The American Red
Cross operates on TOTAL donations...it is NOT
subsidized by the Government like other institutions.
Most of the firefighters and policemen in NYC were
being paid. Nearly no one of the American Red Cross
Volunteers have been paid. I understand how Kim,
(the person who wrote the email) must be upset but she
said it was her future brother-in-law who is from
AUSTRALIA. I am sure that they will be following up
on AMERICAN CITIZENS first. Our local office has sent
9 Directors to NYC to help out with the aftermath.
They have three paid people in the office. They had
to Hire extra people to help with this unprecedented
catastrophe! It is still a big mess there. I also
wonder if KIM realizes that 97 percent of the people
working for the RED CROSS are VOLUNTEERS!? With this
in mind, I am sure what happened was new volunteers
didn't pass the message along to the right person.
Not good, but these people are just trying to help
others as best as they can. I don't believe that they
were prepared to deal with such disaster...but do not
take this personally. They are not trying to hurt you
or your family in any way! About the
equipment...well, I donated blood for years until I
developed a blood disorder and I can tell you that if
they have new equipment...that is great! Anything
that will make it easier to draw and less painful to
the donor is a good idea, however, we do not have new
equipment here in Iowa. Also, We only serve juice and
sometimes cookies when you donate. THERE IS NO WAY
THAT THE FULL COURSE DINNER SERVED (AS CLAIMED BY KIM
IN HER EMAIL) TO THE DONORS WAS PAID FOR BY THE RED
CROSS! Businesses and individuals DONATE the food and
drink! KIM IS MAJORLY MIS-INFORMED and being
judgemental! The American Red Cross is not a social
security system...it is a group that is there to help
individuals at the time of crisis...and when in dire
need. They also train people in Healthcare issues and
safety and much more. Swimming programs, CPR
programs, etc. I am sorry that Kim feels like she has
not been re-paid for her volunteering...I didn't
realize that volunteering comes with strings attached.
Aren't we all called to serve God through our
volunteering? How can we possibly EVER outgive GOD?
I am sorry for Kim not receiving any news back from
the Red Cross about her future brother-in-law...but
her attacks on the Red Cross are not only unfounded
and inappropriate...they are blasphemy! I believe
there is a wise saying that she should remember,
"Think before you speak!"....!!! My husband has also
been to ground zero since 9/11 and said it is still a
big mess...IT's still on fire! My husband stayed at a
hotel where there are hundreds of RED CROSS VOLUNTEERS
staying and he says it is no picnic there! I'd like
to ask Kim a question..."WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHY
AREN'T YOU OUT THERE VOLUNTEERING YOUR TIME AND
TALENTS?....OBVIOUSLY, YOU WOULD RATHER JUST SIT BACK
AND BITCH ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE, LOOKING TO BLAME
SOMEONE ELSE!" Oh, by the way, congrats on receiving
your 5 gallon pin award. It really is impressive. In
spite of your attitude and slanderous words, I'd like
to help you.
I need your name and address and phone number...and
the name of your brother-in-law to be. My father has
said that he feels badly that you haven't received
word and would like to help you. He will personally
call NYC and follow-up on your brother-in-law to help
you get some information! He's happy to help you.
I'll await your response. Your message will be
forwarded to our National Office and it will be
followed up on, but we do need your name and number,
not just Kim, from Western Pennsylvania. If you write
to me at my email address and provide me with your
information, I will gladly help you.
I've been a subscriber for some time now, and I've got to say I love
I am also very interested in the average writer's opinion of the Red
Cross. I served in the army (British) for 25 years, and would
confirm that we Brits have pretty much the same opnion. In fact the
Red Cross does not have much to do with the services except when the
wars start, but even then, they are not to be found anywhere near the
sharp end. They may be found back at HQ (rear-echelon to you?) But
the Salvation Army! Everyboyd in the British services loves them.
Even in peace, when we got taken out to the shooting ranges (why does
it alwyas rain on those day?) it was alwys the Sall Ann who brought
out the char 'n wad (Tea and rolls to you) out to us. No matter
where in the world we were (and in those days the Bitish squaddie
visited many countries, they were always there to help.
Additionally they provide clothes and shelter for the poor and will
not force religion on anyone. They will help anyone, no matter what
their religion, and although they will always accept donations, they
never push for it. I am not religious, but I will always support the
Sally Ann, long may they prosper!.
You know that Salvationists dont drink booze of course, but they
often visit pubs selling the magazines and raising money.
There was one little old lady Salvationist collecting outside a pub,
and the weather was typical English January, freezing cold, snow, and
a wind that came from the Arctic. Paddy was going in to the pub and
stopped to put some money in the lady's tin, and asked her to come in
and have a drinkt o get warm. She was horrified! Oh No! I couldn't
"Go on" says Paddy it'll do ye good.
"Oh o", I couldn't do that£ she says
Paddy saisy " Tell ye what, I'l get you small whisky and biring it
out to you, How's that?"
"Oh no, I couldn't do that. What would people think if they saw me
Paddy says "I know, I'll get them to put it in a cup for ye, then
people will think you're drinking tea. How will that be now?"
She says " Well,... if you think it would warm me up, maybe I'll try
a little one with you. And God Blee You for a good christian"
Paddy goes in, and says to the barman, will you give us apint now,
and could you put a small whiskey in a teacup for me please?"
The barman says " Is that little old woman out there again??"
Your opening paragraph implied that you might be using multiple
virus scanners. Using more than one virus scanner on the same
machine can actually have a negative effect.
1. Depending on the scanners used, some scanners can actually
cancel each other. Best advice is to use just one.
2. Scanners use memory - two scanners running at once will slow
down your computer more than just one by itself. (I won't get
into name brands, but some "prominent" scanners use twice as
much memory as other brands)
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Davey Crockett said:
in regards to Gyppo's Imperial adjustable wrench, I have a
left-handed version if he is interested. Also sold as a set of right
left handed versions for tightening and loosening various
$99.95 with an attractive gift box.
Other items that may be of use include: a can of compression and
No thanks, mine has the latest hi-tech reversible instruction
label. 'PLEASE TURN OVER TO USE IN OPPOSITE DIRECTION'. And I've so
many damned sky hooks I've had to hang them all from one big one in
an unused corner.
Other odd items in my garage/workshop include:
A a can of striped paint. It's been sat on the shelf since the
day I lost some bristles from the middle of a cheap 1" flat
paintbrush, leaving two bunches approx 3/8" wide with a gap between.
Enter one gullible victim.
"What's that for?"
"Painting different coloured stripes along motorbike petrol
"You can't fool me... You'd need two pots of paint..."
"Good thinking, but you can buy special two-colour striping paint
from any good custom bike shop. Both colours in one pot. Makes the
job so much faster and easier.
"Really?" Obviously not fully convinced.
"Really. But you have to be extra careful to put the brush in
the same way around every time, otherwise they'll get mixed."
Also a large tin of Elbow Grease, largely unused since I
discovered various chemicals... any one of which could explain the
number of strange things I see in my workshop ;-)
There is a web site for checking gas prices.
Hi Buffalo, Really enjoy your joke site and read it every day. I am
an ex jarhead and proud of it. This is for the sun bum in Fla. who
wrote about C. Daniels of refusing to appear. I think he is missing
the point as Alan Jackson launched his new song on the show. I like
both of thier music, but I think Charlie didn't go on the show
because the powers to be wouldn't let him do the new song for they
were afraid that it would offend somebody . If he reads the words of
the song ,IT TELLS IT LIKE IT IS. Thanks Cliff
You have put your finger on the differences between Dec. 7 and Sep.
I was nine on that day in 1941, and while walking to school in
NY, I encountered other children running back home in a panic. School
had been suspended and they had been sent back home. They were sure
the world had come to an end.
Thereafter, for the next four years, I saw our country entirely
- even we children were included in the War Effort. I was a Junior
Warden, complete with overseas cap and printed diagrams of Japanese
German war planes. We were urged to watch the skies, searching for
enemy planes. On Thursdays, we all went out with our wagons, the
collecting scrap paper, the boys, scrap metal. All was collected in a
shed, waiting for the trucks to take it away for Uncle Sam's needs.
everything we wanted and needed was rationed. I can remember the
rationing stamps, and how extra sugar was allocated to us folks at
at Christmas time so that our mothers could bake Christmas cookies...
Home Front morale was as important at times like the Holidays as was
morale of the troops on the front lines. And when your mother could
accumulate enough stamps for you to get a new pair of shoes, it was
like another Christmas ! To this day, new shoes are one of my special
I saw the Service banners in every window as I walked to and from
and other activities : a banner with a blue star meant that a member
the family - a Daddy or a son, perhaps - was in the Service. A gold
meant the family member had been killed in action. I still see those
little flags very vividly.
Many years ago I too visited the Arizona, and looking down on the
superstructure of that ship just below the blazing white memorial was
very visceral experience. And yes, I, like everyone else, looked
apprehensively at those hills, actually almost seeing the Japanese
appearing in the distance.
This time, we are worried and concerned, but except for layoffs and
financial concerns, our lives haven't changed much. This war will be
very low-keyed - at least for now - and we won't be mobilizing and
changing our way of life in the way that we did in 1942. Our sons
be going, wholesale, into hand-to-hand battle, and thousands won't be
coming home injured or in flag-draped caskets.
While I can't always resonate to the Service-related stories that you
guys exchange in the Newsletter, I find some of them very compelling.
Keep up the good work. Your site is the first thing I look at every
The Soldier on the Hill
After the last shot was fired,
After the last bugle rang its tone,
The ole warrior was tired,
The years wore on the ole soldiers bones
One summer day as he sat all alone,
He looked to the hill and saw his regiment marching home.
With a shrug and a last farewell,
He grabbed his cane, and marched into heaven
feeling quite well.
The wife and children around his side,
wondered at the smile they saw upon his poor
Twas not the war but the victory at hand
It was he, the last soldier marching across the
hill to the beat of a distant band.
Copyright )2001 B.J. Cassady
Marching to Victory
They stormed the beaches of Normandy,
They fought the battle of Wake.
They were the doughboys of the Great War,
They wore the Blue and the Grey.
They were at Valley Forge with George Washington,
They remembered the Maine and the Alamo.
They faught in the air, ground and over the waters,
They were in Da Nang, Kuwait and Korea.
They fought for the stars and bars and for a fact much dear,
That you and I could sleep at night with nothing to fear.
When the soldiers the battle fought,
Peace remain the goal most frequently sought.
So let the scars of war be gone and when the bugler plays,
Let the old warrior go home and not beg him to stay.
Let us their valor salute and memory remain clear,
For these are the ones who loved us all far and near.
Victory is at hand for the soldiers last stand,
For death cannot capture the real man.
Copyright )2001 B.J. Cassady
(For my dad, a tail gunner in a B-24, for my Step-father who is
veteran of Guadacanal. Their name are Bob Cassady and
Mel Hull. May we remember all the Bob and Mels of the
Navy, Marine, Air Force, Army, Coast Guard, Firemen, Police,
Merchant Marine and others that contribute to our freedom)
Taps are played for those brave men
Who never know what futures may have been.
They fought and died for the flag that is true.
For freedom. freedom for me and for you.
They marched though battles grim and bad.
Grit is what these men of honor had.
They fought, they died. For what you ask?
They would say for her, for ma, and pa. That was our task.
So when taps plays on any day.
Take a minute to remember these men and then pray.
Think about the soldiers when we look at our flag and be not sad.
Red is for the blood shed for our land, our future, for this be glad.
Blue is for the honor with which they carried out their task.
Remember to carry honor with you while in freedom you bask.
White is for the purity, the innocence of the young men.
Thank God for these men. Remember them when you pray and say amen.
When at night you put your children to bed,
Tell them of the heroes that continued their journey, not dead.
With God they reside in the heavens that is best.
For they survived the ultimate test.
Play taps at night for the men who have marched on,
that we may have peace because of the battles they won.
Copyright )2001 B.J. Cassady
Dedicated to all those whose service has made us free
"Mommy can I pin the medal on grandpa's uniform today?" I asked.
"No dear this is not the time nor the place." she responded.
My young years did not make me understand.
I went to my father and said, "Daddy can I pin the medals on
My father looked at me for a long time, as if pondering the
weight of the
universe and replied, "Yes, you can. But first do you know what the
means?" He queried.
"I guess it means he served in World War Two and did brave stuff."
"Let's sit down and I will tell you a story before we go see your
During the battle of Okinawa he personally attacked a machine gun
saved the lives of his company. Then during Truk Island he carried
wounded commanding officer, during the heat of battle, saving his
"During the retaking of some of the other Islands he carried ammo
that were almost out. During the battle he was wounded and yet still
because he felt he made a difference."
"Well he received two bronze stars, a silver star, purple heart
congressional medal of honor, given by president Truman himself.
Your grandpa being shy, kept the honors quiet and keep the
awards in a drawer to be worn only during special ceremonies."
"Now do you understand about your grandpa?" my father asked.
I was in awe of my grandfather. He always treated me so gentle and
with all the love in the world. He told me once he treated me so
all the anger, evil and hurt he had seen.
"Love" He said, balances out all the bad in the world."
"Yes. I understand." as I looked at my father.
"Then lets go and you can put the medals on his uniform." stated
We drove for about 15 minutes, the medals weighing heavy in my
I tried to think about what it must have been like for my grandpa,
couldn't imagine how it must have been.
We pulled into the driveway where grandpa was and entered the
I walked up to the casket where grandpa was dressed in his army
and I pinned his country's pride upon my grandpa's uniform.
"Thanks grandpa, thanks. Thanks for your sacrifice and my
I tearfully gave him a boy scout salute then waited for the
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Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously
heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you
got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a
quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. It's an invention of
mine I've been working on. Check this out" - and he shows him a time
zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the
86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice
says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few
more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display
is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says
Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-
resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing
dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.
"Zoom out", Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern
New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the
bugs", says the inventor.
"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is
also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner,
a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager
with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity
for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only
have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready..."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and
development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it
ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically
finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is,
ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around
Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through
the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
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A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give
to an old lady in the park. Her mother was
touched by the child's kindness and gave her
the required sum.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother.
"But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy....."
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