Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. First just to clear something up that I haven tMessage 1 of 286 , Dec 1 7:22 AMView SourceClean Clean
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
First just to clear something up that I haven't mentioned in a few
years, my first name is Bill, which is what the B in bbrabant stands for
. I know that Buffalo Bob is a famous character but my buffalo nickname
came from my resemblance to the animal hence bill the buffalo would be
more correct than Buffalo Bill.
I was impressed with the President's trip to Iraq on Thanksgiving. No
matter what precautions were taken it is pretty bold to fly Air Force
One into Baghdad Airport after another airliner had an engine shot out
days before. It is even bolder to tell your wife you are going to the
7-11 for a Big Gulp and be spotted on national TV 10 hours later in a
foreign country when you were supposed to be basting the turkey. I know
I would be grounded big time after that.
I want to say I was impressed also by the actions of Sen. Clinton and
Wesley Clark in front of the media. They chose not to belittle the
President's trip as a photo op and recognized the value of our leaders
sharing the holidays with the troops. We hosted many politicians onboard
the Constellation when I was stationed on her and nothing makes a
soldier or sailor feel more appreciated. It is easy to believe during a
war that you are just another pawn on the chess board, forgotten till it
becomes time to sacrifice you for a King or Queen. When you are visited
by a dignitary and thanked at least for a few days you feel like a
knight . Be careful out there it's Monday and more than a few people are
carrying leftover turkey sandwiches.... buffalo
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Health Club Chips
For my 65th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.............
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but and it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed
me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to
standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me
on the rowing machine - which I sank.
I hate that Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on
my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!! @*@ barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist
school you attended and graduated magna cum laude
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a
Jill went to see her family doctor about her husband John. "For the
first twenty years, he was fine Doc, not nervous or jumpy at all. Then
for the next 10 years, he's been irritable, jumpy and fidgety. And now
the last 5 years, he's been awful jumpy and nervous. He can't sit still
in the same room with me for even 5 minutes. I don't know what to do for
him. Can you help?"
"What your husband needs is a little rest, Jill. Here is a sleeping
"Oh, Thank you Doctor. A million thanks to you. And when do I give him
"Not HIM, Jill, YOU take it."
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An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly
woman client who had purchased her first stock - one hundred shares of
Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he had just heard they were going to
"Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that. And,
they've been together for so long too."
Did you hear about the 2 guys who decided to try duck hunting? They
bought new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods
where they heard the hunting was really good. But after several hours of
thrashing through the woods, one fellow said, "I don't know about this.
We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do you
think we're doing something wrong?"
"I don't know," replied the other." Maybe we're not throwing the dog up
Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive parking ticket
testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw
him again, and the man replied that he would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he
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Naughty Gift Wrap!
Homer sings and dances!
A tobacco company sent Dave several packages of cigarettes with the
explanation: "We are sending you some of our finest cigarettes. We hope
you enjoy them and will want more."
After several months the tobacco company received this reply from Dave:
"I got your cigarettes and soaked them in a quart of water which I
sprayed on my bug-infested rosebushes. Every bug died!
These cigarettes make best poison ever! Please send me some more next
year in case any bugs survived."
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by 3 little children on the plane.
They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they were
hungry or bored or tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom and
whatever else you could imagine a small child commenting and complaining
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the children said
that they were bored, the stewardess told them to go play outside.
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When I went with my stepdaughter to visit a prestigious university, our
student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and
state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors
were the best in the world, and she recommended my stepdaughter apply
early to improve her chances for admission. "We get so many
applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "because my boyfriend goes here."
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
A VOYAGER'S ART~SCARLET'S SIGS4U
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Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot
Moses calls a staff meeting.
Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast
solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.
The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a
pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time - the
Egyptians are too close.
The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to
carry us across. But time is too short.
Moses: Does anyone have a solution?
Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss
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A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney
is asking him questions. "You witnessed the robbery, sir?" "Yes" "What
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Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
My Name is Buffalo and I have the watch Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the hospital today to drop off a urine sample before the appointment withMessage 286 of 286 , Aug 19View SourceMy Name is Buffalo and I have the watch
Buffy and I had to make a quick run over to the
hospital today to drop off a urine sample before
the appointment with the Kidney doctor tomorrow.
We drove up the cross street to our Main St.,
Ashmun Blvd. It seems like whatever time you
hit the main drag during the day the street is packed
and all traffic is out of town which never ceases to
amaze everyone as they wait for the traffic to clear.
Finally after about five minutes the traffic cleared
for a second and Buffy made her left hand turn at
the moment someone else was making a right from
Burger King into our lane. I warned buffy and at the
same time gave a wave and smile to the Mennonite
gentleman driving the car and he waved back. Buffy
of course growled about the Amish dude that almost
hit her. I corrected her on the basis of the blue shirt
and the fact he was driving and told her to be careful
because he might be part of the Amish Mafia and shoot
her horse or steal the wheels from her carriage. Buffy
didn't have a clue to what I was talking about as she
isn't a Discovery Channel fan
I would like to say this about the new show. I have
always been an admirer of the Amish for their simple
life style and accomplishments by working as a community.
The last thing they needed was a view of church sponsored
extortion in their communities. The series should be stopped
because they are worse than a bunch of cow tipping
college kids running amok.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
A Glimpse Into The Future....
(Original author unknown)
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Express . May I have your
national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on.... lemme get my glasses
so I can read this card....eh......Okay.....it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan! I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which
number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean? Whaddya talking about?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Oh man...geez! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
it. It's pretty tasty."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that? I mean,
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: (muttering under his breath) "All right, all right. Give me
two family-sized soybean pizzas, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "Well, I'll just run over to the ATM and get some cash before
your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
Customer: "Never mind. Never mind. Just... send the pizzas. I'll have
the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're
out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
Customer: "How in the world do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.
Customer: "Yeah, well, the bike's not bad..."
Operator: "I'd advise watching your speed though, sir. You've already
got a July 2007 conviction for speeding."
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
from offering free soda to diabetics."
Customer: "You know what? Never mind - I've changed my mind. I don't
think I want ANYTHING from you guys."
Operator: "Have a nice day then, sir. Oh and before I go, I just want to
remind you that it's time for your daughter's medication about right
now. And sir? Thank you again for calling Pizza Express."
Taco Bell Chips
The $5.37 Order At Taco Bell
THE MORE YOU READ THE FUNNIER IT GETS...... COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LAUGH
$5.37!That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
that used to be a Jolly Rancher.Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with
the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.He said,
"It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me."Only$4.68"he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?A mere child!Senior
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Elmo.Was he blind?As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought.I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode
to the counter,and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me,like I could be that easily distracted!What am I now?A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter
disdain at the keys.I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.I slipped the key into the ignition,
but it wouldn't turn.What now?I checked my keys and tried another.Still
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.I
had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:The car seat in the back
seat.Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.A partially eaten dough
nut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.That is when I felt it, deep in the
bowels of my stomach: hunger!My stomach growled and churned, and I reached
to grab my burrito,only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,and strode back into the
restaurant one final time.There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail
polish.All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?At this point I
was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,and then go
straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue.I walked back out to the truck,and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.He was holding up a drink
and a bag.His mother explained,"I think you left this in my truck by
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph
zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.And no, I told the
officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.I handed
her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.I promptly sat in my
rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
Winters are fierce in Northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he
was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One
cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In
fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave
"Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"
"Then why aren't you wearing them?"
"Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then, someone offered me a
drink and I didn't hear him!"
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a
wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The
farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The
farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The
farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a
shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling
him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge could not
refrain from saying so to the defendant. As the defendant was brought
before him for arraignment, the judge said, "You are charged with
throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window."
The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking, your
The judge scolded, "That's no excuse! Don't you see how
dangerous it might have been! What if someone was passing underneath at
A father finds his four year old daughter outside
brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are
you doing with my toothbrush?"
The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry
dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done -- just like I always do."
Please forgive our lack of a fancy template at the moment and
enjoy these pages from our friends.
Poems Of The Week
Soaring With Eagles Via Robert
Your Home Appliances May be Spying on You | Fox Business
ARMSLIST - Gun Classifieds Via Dianne
Scott Weaver Toothpick Art!
Scientists Unveil New Species!
Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:
19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13. Czech Bouncers
12. New Delhi Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to
go where they went. -Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking
your face. -Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than
he loves himself. -Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and
love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult. -Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn
around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed
a dog. -Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to
$3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here
we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're
the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he
will not bite you; that is the principal difference between
a dog and a man. -Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!' -Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of
them. -Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am.
At my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking
through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of
these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent.
After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I
bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked
all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway,
carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar,
accidentally kicked her right in the chin.
SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) -- A black bear was found passed out at a
campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen
cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.
"We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was
going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying
around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles
(129 km) northeast of Seattle.
The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into
campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans,
swilled down the suds.
It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a
mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and
stuck with it for his drinking binge.
Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said
They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of
Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.
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