Good edits! All uploaded, thank you.
From: Michael <mosack@...
Sent: Saturday, August 17, 2013 9:08:43 AM
Subject: [backpackgeartesters] EDIT/Approval - IR - GREGORY CAIRN 58 PACK - Theresa Lawrence
Nice to see you again. Apologies for the lateness of your edits. I found a few for you to look at. I like your photos. Nice report.
The edits are in the usual format of
EDIT - must change
edit - my recommended change if you agree
comment is just that
So here we go...
"Warranty: lifetime guarantee of manufacture workmanship defects"
EDIT - I know what you mean here, but it reads like the manufacturer guarantees there will be defects. Might I suggest switching [of] for [from], "Warranty: lifetime guarantee [from] manufacture workmanship defects
"The pack is made out of 420D and 100D Robic fabrics with UTS coating, which is supposed to give the highest strength to weight ratio."
comment – What is UTS coating? Maybe a brief explanation would help.
"Other features include a rain cover, external hydration sleeve attached to the internal frame (sounds like an oxymoron and is definitely unique), side stash security pocket, large front dump pocket, dual waist belt pockets…"
EDIT – (dual waistbelt pockets) You're basically taking this straight from the MFG's website anyway so I think it should match how they listed this feature.
Continuing the above sentence - ", two stage compression on lower bag and over main top opening and clip for hydration hose (right side only)."
EDIT – two-stage (with a hyphen) which is also in line with the mfg description
"Upon discovering, I've found 2 pockets on the belt, a pocket for the rain cover on the bottom, 2 big side pockets with an elastic neck (thankfully not mesh), a zippered pocket lies behind one side pocket (the other side has a zipper going into the main body), a big dump pocket is found on the back and behind this hides a zipper access into a large area which is separate from the main body."
Edit – Two here – Upon discovering, I've found… I would remove one of these as you are saying the same thing twice. On that note, these are features the mfg designed and included into this pack not really something you discovered, or found. The other is that this sentence is quite long and I think it really needs to be split up into multiple sentences.
"The zippered access has a zippered mesh pocket on its underside and inside this large separate area is a large mesh pocket making another separate area to keep from losing things."
Comment – this is a little hard to follow – I understand there are a LOT of pockets but to try to describe each of their specific location in relation to each other it can be confusing when we readers do not have the pack in front of us.
"See back in about 2 months to see how it goes."
EDIT – See back…?
"- Small waistbelt pockets (too small for a small digital camera)"
Edit – "a" digital camera or "your" camera… Maybe include the make/model of your digital camera as there are numerous sizes out there and others "might" fit or at least give a size comparison reference for the reader.
That's all I found. Go ahead and upload when you're ready and see you in about two months! Have fun with the pack.
--- In email@example.com, Theresa Lawrence <theresa_newell@...> wrote:
> To Mystery Monitory, here is my IR ... thanks in advance for your edits.
> HTML is here:
> Text is here:
> GREGORY CAIRN 58 BACKPACK
> TEST SERIES BY THERESA LAWRENCE
> July 31, 2013
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]