I was just thinking how I do things out of love. I really do. I never think about what I am getting from it, I think of how it will serve. I have no limits in that sense of what I will try to do. I have bitten off more than I can chew in a sense, I have, and I felt compelled to do so.
I am still a few thousand dollars in debt from the last conference and that makes me sad as I was not able to fulfill my obligations to a few of the speakers...and that makes me sad that they have to do without because of me. And it seems it was necessary to bring about those conferences. And although not monetarily successful they were successful in the heart of those who attended.
Comments were always about how this was something different, this was Anthroposophia come alive. I just don't know where I get the courage to go over my head other than Michael. And these conferences have gone forward even though there is a really strong stream against me personally from one young lady who has not stopped spreading sickness to others about me since the first conference. And no matter how hard I try to stay in the background due to her, the group still has to deal with what she has put forth time and time and time again. And still the conferences are singularly successful in building community. The last thing that was thrown at us was that I had taken this Anthroposophia work outside of the Movement, that I was trying to start my own line of Steiner's w I mean here I am considered dogmatic on Steiner and yet this thing persists that I am not within the Society. It's so ugly.
Nobody has any money right now Deb. Nobody it seems. It's such a great investment and I guess I am glad I am now talking with you as it gives me courage to do a few more things today. But really Deb, who opens a business with less than a hundred dollars in their pocket, I mean who is crazy enough to even consider something like that? It's just insane in a way. And yet everyone who walks into that place loves it, abolutely loves it. If I can find a way to stick it through, and I just do not know how this is going to happen, it will be very good. And its not about me. It's not about something for me its about sharing with the community, inspiring the community to a higher community within its self.
I have never cried so much in my life. Maybe over my first boyfriend:) but that was so long ago and so about my loss. This is different. Everyday I feel graced by God, by the Fathers that Be. I was thinking how Jesus moaned at the grave of Lazarus because he knew of the Grace that was attending him. I too know this but I don't know how to move in it. I feel like Christian when he is in the hallway: he can't enter in as he knows he doesn't have what it takes or even knows what it takes to enter in properly, while others just enter in anyway...I'm caught in the betwixt and between moment of my very own self.....and to the point that one cannot even state the prayer or the thoughts to God because they are already known in the heart of God....you know, it feels silly to state what is already known by God....and especially silly if one is not conscious exactly of what the higher self in one is working towards in this thing that just occurred....I mean
one is caught in a state of silence in that one can't move to the left or the right as one has to first know what is trying to be achieved or understood or transformed by the soul in a way....
I liked JoAnn' idea about 20 people but maybe I can do this with the vegan community itself. Maybe I can put it out there that I want to continue this and I need help and maybe if they could all purchase these gift cards for $30 or so I would be able to have money in advance to buy the ingredients for furthering the menu....I can put forth some litlte fun proposal or something...see this money thing is interesting. It's like we are called to use it and make it in a way that goes counter almost to Ceasars law in a way...we have to make it work in a way that love, or the heart, can be involved, we have to be creative with one another in some ways....I don't know...
Anyway thanks again Deb and I will see what we can make happen,,,thanks for your encouragement.
d"If there is something more powerful than destiny, this must be the human being who bears destiny unshaken." Rudolf Steiner
--- On Thu, 12/10/09, DB <laquerencia33@...> wrote:
From: DB <laquerencia33@...>
Subject: [anthroposophy_tomorrow] Elderberries
Date: Thursday, December 10, 2009, 9:02 AM
I'm just so dismayed to hear that you're having to struggle so hard just
to open the doors each day.
Maybe you won't mind if I ask some nosy questions...Isn't it true that
you've spent thousands of your own money in the past several years
helping other people and putting on big AP conferences? Might it not be
possible to write a short piece on what its like getting Elderberries
on its feet and ask these colleagues and friends for help in-kind?
Where's the reciprocity? If I'm right about your material support of
all these ventures, of course. And even if you haven't donated lots of
personal cash, why not go ahead and ask for what you need? This is
obviously not something you're doing to line your own pocket. Lots of
people just need to be asked and its a good time of the year for it.
And just on a personal caring note, I see Elderberries,
wonderful as it
is, as a business that can come or go...but you absolutely must take
care of yourself dear friend Dottie and not become homeless,
income-less, car-less etc. as you strive so hard to breathe life into
this beautiful project.
Please tell me what your mailing address is for the next few weeks.
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