Undead Technical Support
TechSup: Hello, undead technical support. May I please have your name
and the date of your death?
Cust: Ummmm, yes. I am Vlad the Impaler and I am a GREAT AND MIGHTY
TS: Can I please have your date of death, sir? We have currently
around 120 Vlad the Impalers on file, it's a fairly common name among
Cust: Ummm, yeah... uhhh, well you see, I haven't actually died yet. I
was just sort of, you know, looking to see if someone would, you know,
bite me, or if there is some sort of trial...?
TS: Yes, sir. Unfortunately, we can not provide that service. I would
however point you towards your nearest foreboding castle or dark alley
to find a blood sucking fiend of your choice.
Cust: Oh, why thank you! (Click)
TS: Hello, undead technical support. May I please have your name and
the date of your death?
Cust: Ummmm, Herman Carpinski, July 12, 1876.
TS: So what can I help you with?
Cust: I need to know how I deal with this whole rotting problem.
Cust: Yes, pieces of me keep like falling off, and there's this
TS: Oh. Sir, were you killed by having an undead bite your neck and
suck your blood?
Cust: No, some guy danced around my grave a lot and then blew dust
into my face.
TS: Oh, I see. Sir, you are not a vampire as it were. You are what is
known as a zombie, and while I can't really support that, I can tell
you that the rotting smell is fairly normal. However, I can give you
the zombie support line.
TS: Hello, undead technical support. May I please have your name and
the date of your death?
Cust: I AM VERY UPSET!!!
TS: I understand, sir, becoming one of the walking undead
blood-sucking fiends is a big step-
Cust: NO that is not what I am talking about you (bleepity bleep
TS: Sir, if you will please calm down, perhaps I can help you?
Cust: I want to speak to whoever is in charge!!!
TS: I can alert a manager, sir, but they will have to call you back in
a few hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can help you with?
Cust: YEAH, WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS DAMN SUN THING??
TS: Excuse me sir? A vulnerability to the sun is fairly standard to
all vampire types, so that behavior is by design.
Cust: It is not! It says right here in this pamphlet I downloaded from
the Internet that if I ingest the blood of 12 virgins on 12
consecutive nights and gouge out my own eyeballs I'll be immune. Which
I have done mind you and I am still vulnerable to the sun, so what
TS: Well, sir, that is a different...ah... application of your powers.
You probably want to talk to the people who wrote it, or if it is
something specific to your particular type of vampire, you may wish to
speak to the person who brought you across.
Cust: WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! YOU PEOPLE SUCK, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!
You know I honestly hate calls like that. I mean what is with these
people? Is it my fault they don't read the fine print? I mean, ok
immortality is cool and the nifty vampire powers are great, but they
all call me when they can't handle it and expect me to deal with this
crap, I mean...one sec got a call
TS: Undead Techni-
Cust: YOU GOTTA HELP ME! THERE IS SOME GUY WITH A CROSSBOW OUTSIDE,
AND HE IS SCREAMING THINGS LIKE, "DIE FOUL FIEND!!!"
TS: Okay sir, please calm down.
Cust: CALM DOWN! HOW THE HECK DO I CALM DOWN? HE IS BATTERING DOWN THE
DOOR! AND HE SOUNDS PISSED!!!
TS: Okay sir, are you vulnerable to holy symbols?
Cust: Ummm, actually no. I am a farquath vampire, we don't do the holy
TS: Ah, good! I also see your kind of vampire has increased strength
and speed and can take a lot of punishment. Okay, is he through the
door yet? Are there more than one of them?
Cust: There are 3 of them! And they have crosses and one of them has a
TS: Well, okay. Do you have a phone book?
Cust: Yes, WHAT THE HELL GOOD IS A PHONE BOOK GOING TO DO ME?!?!
TS: Sir, I need you to remain calm if you want me to help you, okay?
Cust: All right, now what? They're almost through the door!
TS: Tuck the phone book inside your jacket over your heart. When they
come through the door, let them shoot you with the cross bow, and then
hit the one in front as hard as you can.
Cust: Okay, I'll try. I'm not very violence literate though.
TS: That's okay, just follow my instructions and I'll talk you through
Cust: (sounds of crashing and muted thunk and a loud scream) Okay,
there are two left, now what?
TS: Okay, throw the one you hit at the second one as hard as you can,
and then grab the third by the throat and lift him off the ground.
Cust: (loud crashing and some moaning followed by some choking
gurgling noises.) Okay, I have the head guy dangling - now what?
TS: Okay, now look into his eyes and laugh maniacally.
Cust: Heh heh heh.
TS: You might want to try a more maniacal laugh. Kind of like this -
Cust: Wow, you scared me. Okay, I'll try. Muhahahaha. How was that?
TS: Close enough. Now repeat after me, "YOU PITIFUL HUMAN INSECT, DIE
THE CATTLE YOU ARE!!!" and then please squeeze as hard as you can.
Cust: (repeats statement and a cracking is heard from the phone)
Nothing is happening.
TS: Sir, I mean squeeze with the hand you are holding him with.
Cust: Oh. Okay. (wet cracking sound is heard) Wow, this isn't so hard.
Maybe I will get the hang of this whole violence thing! Thanks so much
for your help!!
TS: That's quite all right, you have a good night now, and thank you
for choosing undead technical support.
See now, I kind of like those calls. I got to help someone, and you
know that's what this job is all about. Am I one of the undead? Heck
no. I don't care much for the hours really, I am just doing this for
money while I study for my Occult Sciences degree. Then I can go out
and make some real money as either an undead admin, or maybe a
troubleshooter type. Support is great experience for that sort of
thing because it gets you learning, and working with people. I know
tons about the undead vampire types, and I heard we are
going to start supporting werewolves and magic users next. Hey, if
they want to train me, I'm not going to complain. I mean, after all-
TS: Undead technical support. Can I have your name and the time of
Cust: Hey, is this where I call about problems with being a vampire?
TS: Yes, it is.
Cust: Okay. Do I have to drink blood? That's kind of gross - can't it
just be Kool Aid or something?
TS: No, I'm sorry, but blood is definitely a requirement.
Cust: Oh, well, ok.
TS: Anything else I can help you with?
Cust: Hey, yeah. Can I catch AIDS and things from bad blood?
TS: (hits mute button) MORON! (lets go of mute button) Sir, you're
dead, okay? You really don't have to worry about that at this point.
Cust: Oh. How do I get the blood?
TS: Generally you bite people.
Cust: Oh, ok. Well, bye.
(sigh) Geez, dude, read a book. There are times when this job gets on
my nerves. But anyway where was I? Oh yeah. I get to start training
today for supporting werewolves and magic users. And vampire hunters.
You'd think that would be a conflict of interest... oh well.
(2 weeks of training later)
Instructor: . . . just to re-emphasize a few things - we do not
support major summoning or world destroying rituals. And if the
customer is a werewolf and has just shifted and can no longer
communicate you will need to direct them to the growling and grunting
specialist. Any questions?
TS: What exactly constitutes a major summoning? I mean what is our
policy if they attempted a summoning and mispronounced the name and
got a major demon lord instead of the minor imp they were trying for?
Inst: Well, assuming they are still alive, you would probably want to
send it to Escalation. Any other questions?
(Later that month)
TS: Shape shifter technical support. May I please have your name and
the type of shifter you are?
Cust: This is Derek Thorfin and I am having this problem...
(scratching noises) I can't get this damn hair to go away after I
shift. There's this one patch that just won't not go away.
TS: Well, sir, is it a rectangular patch on your chest and abdominal
Cust: Yes, actually it is.
TS: Well, sir, that will not go away. That patch of hair is the mark
of the animal demon that currently possesses you. If you were a
shifter by birth rather than by position, it wouldn't be there.
Cust: So when will there be a solution to this problem?
TS: Sir, that particular behavior, as I have said, is a side effect of
being a shifter by position.
Cust: Whatever, when are you going to fix it? Cause I don't like this
hair, it itches.
TS: Sir, as I said this is something that cannot be fixed, unless you
want to go through a leansing ritual and give up being a shape
Cust: No, you don't understand! I want this hair gone and you need to
tell me how to get rid of it! Have you got that, fella? Cause if not,
I'll have to come down there and rend you limb from limb. I am a
werewolf, got that, geek boy? Now you go on and tell me that secret
way you have of getting rid of this here hair.
TS: Sir, I must tell you that if you continue to be threatening, I
will have to terminate this call and refer your case to our security
department. That being said, we do not have a secret way to remove
Cust: All right, that's it! You're lying to me! Either tell me or I
come down there and REND ALL YOU blankety blanks INTO SMALL QUIVERING
CHUNKS OF FLESH!!! YOU GOT THAT GEEK BOY? WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT,
HUH?? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, HUH??
TS: I am sorry sir, you've forced me to terminate this call. (click)
(A few days later)
(Loud growling followed by a loud pop followed by distraught howling)
Hmmmm, I wonder if I should have told him about the silver trap we
werewolves... oh well, back to work.
TS: Mystical Technical Support. May I please have your name and the
name of your group, or your contract number if you are an independent.
Cust: My name is Mike Evenstar and I am a member of the Most Glorious
of Hiparcthurs and Tolemay.
TS: Okay, sir, what can I help you with?
Cust: Well it's a small thing really, I was just wondering what would
happen if, ah, well, when summoning a 9th level elemental spirit I had
gotten two of the glyphs wrong?
TS: Which Glyphs, sir? (Sound of head pounding on table is heard)
Cust: Well, that is, I sort of changed the 9 into a 90 and the
elemental to demonic.
TS: I see. Sir, can you hang on a second?
Cust: Sure, no problem. But please hurry - the glowing purple thing is
getting worse, and the walls have started bleeding.
TS: I'll just be a moment, sir. (hold music) AHHHH why do I get these
calls? (off hold) Okay, sir. I want you to listen to me carefully.
Once I'm done talking, I want you to follow these steps. First open
the door to the room you are in, step through it, and run as fast as
you can. Then call 555-DUMB. This is the number for a service that
takes care of these kinds of situations.
Cust: Okay, so I open the... (sound of a wet crunching sound, a
scream, and then silence)
TS: (sigh) I lose more idiots that way. Oh well, at least I got
promoted to major conjurations, summonings and escalation support last
week. It means more money, although now I end up with even bigger
problems to deal with. But they're giving me more training I guess.
TS: Escalations, go for it
Other Tech: Okay, I've got this guy on the line who says that he is
trying a major summoning, and he has a wizard class account, so he is
covered. But I have no clue what's going wrong. He has the sacrifice
he needs, all his sigology looks fine, I mean he even has the blue
pillar of fire going for him! Could you take it, please, because
frankly, I am stumped.
TS: Sure, go ahead and transfer him. (pause) Hi there, I hear you are
having some problems.
Cust: Yes, I don't understand it. I have all the materials and
everything appears to be fine. I have gateway open but I am getting no
response to the truename.
TS: A sacrifice was mentioned - could you tell me what kind?
Cust: Yes, a virgin human female sacrifice was needed, and she is
waiting right here all bound and prepared for the demon to come
through and rip her to pieces. I mean, we even have the proper amount
TS: (knowing chuckle) Did you say virgin sacrifice? And how old is
Cust: She is 17. I had her checked out beforehand and she is a
TS: Of course. By any chance do you have a young male assistant? A
Cust: Well, yes I. . . DAMNIT ALL TO HELL, Jedrick come over here! I'm
peel the skin off your back and feed you to -truename of major demon
TS: Sir, you may not realize this, but saying names like that in front
of open gateways can be a bad idea.
Cust: What, you mean -------? Why would that be bad?
TS: Sir, I would once again advise you against saying that name in
front of a gateway.
Cust: Oh, come on, no one actually expects ------- to answer, I mean
(sound of a thunder clap)
TS: (sigh) If this keeps happening I might get written up.
TS: Escalations, go ahead.
OT: Ummmm, I have a demon on the phone.
TS: You mean someone summoned a demon and he needs help with it?
OT: N-n-no, the demon killed him while he was on the phone and, ummm,
it somehow got my name and now it says it owns my soul as well, and I
am kinda in over my head, HELP please.
TS: Okay, go ahead and conference it.
OT: Okay, here goes.
Demon: YOUR SOULS ARE MINE -- ALL OF THEM!!!
TS: With whom am I speaking, sir?
Dem: I am the Demon Rathgarton! And your souls are mine by the
the fool! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
TS: Well, all right, sir. But I need to tell you one thing first.
Dem: SAY WHAT YOU WILL, PUNY MORTAL! MUHAHAHA!!
TS: notraghtar BY THE POWER OF YOUR UNNAMEING, DEMON BEGONE!!!!
Dem: NOOOOOO AHHHHHHH THE PAIN NOOOoooooooooooo (fades into nothing)
TS: See, it's no problem, you just can't let those demons push you
OT: Cool -- thanks dude!
TS: Escalations, go ahead.
OT: I've got an irate, would you please take her?
TS: (sigh) Go for it.
Cust: NOW YOU LISTEN HERE! I AM A POWER CONJURER, AND I KNOW IT IS
NOTHING I DID! THE PROBLEM IS WITH YOUR SHODDY MATERIALS!! I KNOW BIG
PEOPLE IN HIGH PLACES AND I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU ALL TURNED INTO
TS: Ma'am, if you will please calm down and read me your conjuring
formula,maybe I can help you.
Cust: OH VERY WELL! (long incomprehensible formula follows)
TS: Ma'am, I think I've found your problem -- it is on the 3rd, 8th,
Cust: OH REALLY AND WHAT IS THAT MR SMARTY PANTS??
TS: Ma'am, 2+2 is equal to 4 not 8.
Cust: Why you worthl- ummmmm... wait a minute... (click)
TS: Thank you for calling magic support, and have a nice day.