Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
November 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 11, Post 2)
1) A NOTE FROM YOUR EDITOR: ORANGUTAN ACTION AUCTION!
2) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE FOR NOVEMBER
3) GAME NEWS: GUARDS!GUARDS! BOARD GAME UPDATES
4) LATE BREAKING NEWS (AND PLENTY OF IT)
1) A NOTE: SNUFF AUCTION TO SAVE ORANGUTANS!
An exclusive signed, bound proof of Snuff is currently under the
hammer for charity! Here be the announcement as brought to you by
Bricks and Books:
The Orangutan Foundation is honoured to be auctioning a proof of Sir
Terry Pratchett's latest Discworld novel, Snuff, complete with
signed bookplate. There are only 155 proofs existing and this is the
only signed copy to be auctioned, kindly donated by Colin Smythe,
Sir Terry Pratchett's agent.
The auction will run from this Sunday 27 November at 8pm Sunday
4 December at 8pm. Place your bids here:
Also...SAVE THE DATE!! Monday 5 December at 10am Friday 9
For one week only they have a fantastic opportunity to have all
online donations doubled! Donate whatever you can and they will
receive the same again from the Big Give!
However, you need to be quick as funds from the Big Give are
released bit by bit and, once the day's funds are exhausted, no
more donations can be made. So, they are asking their supporters to
as soon as possible once the Challenge opens at 10am on Monday 5
Don't miss out on this unique opportunity to help them to secure a
future for orangutans, forests and people this Christmas. Thank you
for your support!
To read the original message on the web, go to:
[Editor's note: the bidding already stands at £82.00, so off you
For more info on the Big Give:
eBay page for the Big Give: http://tinyurl.com/c73suam
2) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Buongiorno! This month the Lady Asterisk is unavailable after she
sprained her prognosticating nerve, but I, Fernando Magnifico, will
be your astrologer instead!
My friends, Fernando has the good news this month, for his rivals in
the Guild of Prognosticators, Soothsayers, Fortune-tellers,
Oneiromancers, Haruspices and Cunning-Men (divers wizards, witches,
priests, priestessesses and Mrs Cake exempted) have again backed
down from their despicable attempts to throw Fernando out of the
Guild, at least for now. Fernando is thankful for the support of his
many fans and readers, and especially to those who went to the Guild
office and chained themselves to the troll guarding the front door.
My friends, Fernando is very gratifying for you!
Fernando does not intend to be the negative person like those
guastafesti with their constant carping "Fernando, you cannot do
that", "Fernando, you shouldn't do that", "Fernando, that is a
violation of Guild Ethics", but Fernando is sure that such is the
jealousy in their hearts that it is only a matter of time before
they try again to throw him out of the Guild. But do not be afeared
my friends, for Fernando does not afear their trumpeted up
trumpetings and will continue to provide the primo quality
horoscopings for your needs.
It is only the one more month until Hogswatch! As Fernando knows,
Hogswatch is the much stressful time of the year. So before you
start the hard work of enjoying yourself for Hogswatch, the stars
say you should indulge yourself for a small treat first, to relax
and refresh yourself before the serious business of the holiday
season begins. So this month, listen carefully to Fernando as he
tells you the best self-indulgence for you.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Fernando is the honest man, and so he must say to you that the
perfection that you see before you did not come without cost. My
friends, Fernando's magnificent good looks are the product of the
much hard work: the many hours of the pumping of the irons, as they
say, with Giorgio and Ahhnuld down at Jim Nauseum's Sports Academy
and Gym in Dolly Sisters; the plucking of the unsightly hairs; the
careful styling. No matter how magnificent are your gods-given
natural gifts, and Fernando's gifts are pretty magnificent, there is
always the room to be the more magnificent. My friends, the stars
tell Fernando that your indulgence is to treat yourself to the self-
improvement with a transplant voucher from We R Igors. Why not spoil
yourself with the Deluxe version that includes after-care?
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Munchers, the stars tell Fernando that your indulgence is to treat
yourself (and perhaps the special friend, if you know what Fernando
means) to the lavish dinner at the famous ristorante Le Foie
Heureux. My friends, if you tell the maitre de that Fernando sent
you, he may be able to squeeze you in before Hogswatch. Fernando can
especially recommend the oysters with avec, Fernando prefers to
order the dozen, although only ten normally are needed to work. You
should also try the sole de chaussures bonne femme avec le plus de
l'ail and soupe a l'ancienne serviette de lavabo. Fernando knows
that not everyone can afford the prices at Le Foie Heureux, so for
those on a budget, Fernando recommends the blue light special at
Harga's House of Ribs: six ribs and four pieces of very nearly fresh
chicken for a dollar.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Hernians, your indulgence is the box of mixed chocolates from
Wienrich & Boettcher. My friends, this is not the time for the
rubbish made from cat squeezings that passes as Morporkian
chocolate, you deserve the best sweets available outside of
Brindisi. Fernando is especially fond of putting the couple of
chocolate-coated nuts in his mouth and sucking the chocolate off. Do
not be afeared if this is not for your taste, for Wienrich &
Boettcher have the all sorts of chocolates for all peoples:
chocolate mints, truffles, hard toffee centres, the strawberry
creams, chocolate-coated gingers and even the prince of chocolate,
the Caffe Marzipan Surprise. And a guarantee that there are no cows'
lips in the chocolates (except for the Sto Lat Caramel Cremes, but
that is allowed because it's traditional).
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Staffies, your self-indulgence is to order the Archchancellor's
Cheese Board, available from the University Gift Shop for a limited
time before Hogswatch. For AM$6, you get a wooden cheese board (now
with the guarantee to not shriek loudly when used), a selection of
twelve hard cheeses and eight blue cheeses, three types of cheese
biscuit or cracker, pickled onions, and a small jar each of quince
jelly and vole chutney. For those of the more adventurous
disposition, Fernando can recommend the Archchancellor's Extra
Special Selection. For an extra $2, you also get pickled walnuts,
Wow-Wow sauce, and the excitement of possibly being attacked by a
rogue Lancre Blue.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Bilians, Fernando knows that on a typical Friday or Saturday night,
you often find yourself walking home from the pub, a piccolo wobbly
on your feet (or, if you are like Fernando's cousin Tony, perhaps
more a trumpet or tuba wobbly) many hours after even the famously
open-almost-all-hours Ankh-Morpork restaurants have closed to hose
out the last of the patrons. My friends, it is at this time that
stirrings of hunger are at their strongest, but before the faint
feeling of distress have worked their way up from your insides. This
is the time that the sausage inna bun often seems especially
attractive. Bilians, the stars tell Fernando that your indulgence is
to treat yourself to one of Dibbler's Premium Best Sausage Like
Father Used To Have ("Stick one in yer gob today!").
My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Nosers, why not indulge yourself with a treat *and* do the socially
beneficial act at the same time? For the stars tell Fernando that
your indulgence is to have the lunch with Captain Carrot of the City
Watch at Give Peas A Chance, the legume restaurant on Old Cobblers
Lane. (Fernando suggests you try the Brindisian-style stoo with
named bean.) My friends, Captain Carrot is almost as magnificent as
Fernando himself, and he is sure to thrill you with the many tales
of dwarf battle bread, the history of Ankh-Morpork's penal code, and
the various uses and production figures of pulses, beans and peas of
the nations around the Circle Sea. And the proceeds will be used to
benefit the poor orphans of Borogravia.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Boring'uns, the stars tell Fernando that your indulgence to treat
yourself to is the quiet night at home. But listen very carefully to
Fernando's most excellente advice, my friends: the stars say you
should hire the pair of heavily armed dwarfs to guard your front
door from religious pamphleteers, door-to-door salesmen, street
urchins, gnolls, people collecting for charities, divers beggars,
and especially your neighbour who keeps inviting you to go paint-
balling. Then you can relax and enjoy the peaceful night relaxing in
your comfy chair with a cup of warm milk. You can even catch up on
darning your socks. (For those of you who consider that a bit too
racy, Fernando suggests you try pooting your socks instead.)
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Andies, your indulgence is to enjoy the health-giving benefits of a
NoThingfjord massage. My friends, Fernando can tell you that, when
properly done, the NoThingfjord massage soothes aches and pains,
increases blood circulation, balances the humours, kills 15
different kinds of invisible biting demon, relaxes tense muscles,
and firms the parts that should be firm. Unfortunately, when
improperly done, it is only good for sending you to Dr Lawn for
recovery. But do not be afeared my friends, for Fernando would never
give you the bad advices: listen very carefully, for you cannot go
wrong with the one hour massage from Sven the Hublander, all
messages to Mrs. Flaybottom at number 37 Picklewood Alley. Trust
Fernando on this, for he knows that it is so.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
My friends, the Fool's Guild is attempting to have the ban on street
mimes lifted, and to gain public support Dr Whiteface has
reluctantly allowed guided tours of the Guild. Word on the street is
that Dr Whiteface has promised certain high-ranking clowns that if
their idea doesn't work, they will be personally mopping up spilled
custard in the novice clown training rooms with their baggy trousers
for the next six months, so Fernando thinks that this is the most
excellente opportunity while you still can. And the stars agree:
your indulgence is to take the Clown Tour for just eighty cents
(custard removal included in the price), where you will learn the
secrets of floppy shoes and the four officially sanctioned ways to
hit clowns over the head with a bladder on a stick, and have white-
wash poured down your trousers. It is the once in a lifetime
opportunity, mia cara.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Hokians, the stars tell Fernando that your indulgence is to take the
ten day luxury cruise around the Circle Sea on the cruise ship Queen
Kelirehenna III. For the ten glorious days, you will be pampered and
your every need fulfilled by the staff of the QK-III, with all the
fine food you can eat, the complimentary Quirmian fizzy wine (never
as good as the honest Brindisian lambrusco, but at least the
Quirmian fizzy rubbish is included in the price of your cruise),
games, and an on-board mini-opera house featuring stars almost good
enough to sing in Ankh-Morpork. The tour will take you to see the
Curious Squid at the site of the Lost Island of Leshp, the ruins at
Holy Wood, and shopping stop-overs in Ephebe, Tsort and the
Klatchian city of Al Khali. Fernando promises you Hokians that this
is the last word in luxury, so long as you see your local witch or
apothecary first for anti-seasickness potion!
The Big Chicken 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Squawkers, Fernando understands that the many mens and womens are
suffering from the personal problem that we do not speak of.
Especially in the cold, dark months of the year. But Fernando is not
afeared to speak of these things, for are we not all adults here?
(Except for Kevin, who is still writing those letters to the
editor.) My friends, if you are feeling the "depression" or "blues",
as they say (or rather, as they don't say) and are generally tired
of being alive, cheer up, for the stars tell Fernando that your
indulgence is to go to the luxury health spa for the water
treatment: first the bracing Klatchian steam bath, then the mineral
springs spa bath, and finally Cronstedtite the troll pummels you and
holds you under water for a minute. After this experience, you will
never be more glad to be alive.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Umbragians, Fernando is the very exciting to tell you that the stars
say that your indulgence is truly the most excellente treat. My
friends, your most appropriate indulgence is to visit the art
gallery. And not just the any gallery, for Fernando is the most
pleased to say that it is the "Grave Modern", that little primo
quality gallery on Broadway owned by Fernando's very good friend the
Baroness Evangelika Lugubria Arroganta Barbina Solfami von
Fledermausen. My friends, not only will you see the excellente Nu
Vampyre artwork by the noted semi-reformed artist Darien Thirst, but
after 9pm you will have the opportunity for the private showing of
the paintings of Fernando without the fig leaf.
3) GAME NEWS: GUARDS! GUARDS! BOARD GAME
Guards!Guards!, Backspindle Games' new Discworld board game, is
doing very well indeed! Co-designer David Brashaw has written to us
to say that last weekend's game sessions at the Wincanton Hogswatch
celebrations were yet another triumph:
"We had a ball at Hogswatch, and will blog about it soon, see
www.facebook.com/guardsguards in the meantime, oh also all our
recent tweets. Jason [Anthony, of WOSSNAME's Distinguished
Competition] had an epic 4 hour game...he took his dead end at. One
player was on final Spell at two hours and fifteen minutes, but
Jason and the others ganged up on him and made him fight at least 4
Dragons. The laughter could be heard 25 yards away outside, awesome!
Yesterday we even got to chat with da man in da hat!"
Furthermore, the first run of the Guards!Guards! game received a
five star review across all areas on Amazon, and is almost sold out
around the world:
"Of course we still have a few copies left that can be purchased at
_www.guardsguards.com_. We are waiting on Z-Man to see if there will
be a reprint at sometime in the future..."
Also, a little birdie tells us that WOSSNAME will soon have its own
copy of Guards!Guards! to test drive! Lipwigzer, Moggrat, Sacharissa
and the Dean will be happy to hear that...
For the rest of you, why not order one of the rapidly-disappearing
copies of the game for your loved ones (or yourselves)? Last order
dates suggested by Backspindle Games Ltd for shipping for Christmas
UK Registered: 18 December 2011
UK Special Delivery: 20 December 2011
Europe Royal Mail International Signed For: 8 December 2011
USA to be confirmed
Worldwide Royal Mail International Signed For: 4 December
For ordering information and a whole lot more:
And for more about some of the fabulous debut airings of G!G!, see
item 4.4 below...
4) LATE BREAKING NEWS
4.1 PTERRY ON IRISH RADIO!
In the Irish Times, and article on Irish radio presenter Orla
Barry's recent relaxed yet incisive interview with Terry Pratchett
on Newstalk radio's weekly arts programme The Green Room. The
interview covered various subjects including the special qualities
of American Discworld fans, his Alzheimer's, Snuff, the secrets of
the Seamstresses' Guild, and how having a beard helps him in his
"Pratchett, author of the bestselling Discworld comic fantasy
novels, is almost as well-known as an Alzheimer's sufferer: since
2007, when he was diagnosed with the disease at the age of 59, he
has campaigned to raise awareness of the condition while continuing
to write, publishing his latest volume, Snuff, only last month. So
far, so inspirational. But while Pratchett spoke calmly about the
effects of his illness, he was unwilling to play the stoic martyr.
When Barry suggested that, despite everything, he seemed content,
the author took umbrage. 'What makes you think that?' he asked,
after a long silence. Though he took a reflective, rational view of
his terminal illness, right down to advocating planned suicide, he
was not enjoying some passive state of grace. 'I don't mind who I
attack and I don't care what I say,' he said. 'All fear disappeared
after Alzheimer's. You think, what else can go wrong..."
Ms Barry conducted a notably intelligent interview and asked some
hard questions as well as some that surprised Sir Pterry. To listen
to the full interview, click on Part 2 on the link below and go to
4.2 ON GO THE LIGHTS!
Here be numerous photos of a very cheerful-looking Sir Pterry
sporting quite wizardly-looking eyebrows and huzzah'd by a very
large, adoring crowd turning on the Burnham-on-Sea Christmas
lights with mayor Michael Clarke:
And a short-ish video of the event:
Also, Pterry met the crew of Burnham-on-Sea's marvellous rescue
"The author was in Burnham to switch on the town's Christmas
lights and was keen to hear about the work of BARB (Burnham Area
Rescue Boat), whose life-saving hovercraft The Light Of Elizabeth
was on display at the switch-on ceremony. BARB is a registered
charity that operates two life-saving rescue hovercrafts and an
inshore rescue boat in the Bridgwater Bay area..."
4.3 CANADA VERSUS DISCWORLD!
Although we've already informed (and reminded) you about the
Walterdale Theatre's production of Wyrd Sisters that opens this
week, an article has just come through that's worth sharing. In the
Edmonton Journal, Disc newbie Liz Nicholls has written an extended
piece about Discworld and the story and production of Wyrd Sisters,
including some marvellous quotes from director J. Nelson Niwa, who
*is* a Discworld fan of long standing:
"The actors play a multitude of characters, two or three apiece,
some of whom appear only fleetingly then disappear to be recostumed.
Niwa tells them 'OK, you're onstage for one scene with this bit
part; you can milk the snot out of it. You have 118 seconds to steal
as much of the scene as you possibly can.'"
There's also a photo of the main cast, who look quite well chosen
for their parts. So if you're in or near the province of Alberta
over the next twelve days, do go see the production!
For the full article, and details of the play:
4.4 IDWCON POST-MORTEMS!
From the Guards!Guards! boardgame team blog, reporting on the
goings-on at the recent 2011 Irish Discworld Convention:
"Next morning up early setting up in the dealers' room, getting demo
games on the go and then at 11am the scary bit of organising the
first ever LIVE Discworld Convention game of Guards! Guards! How did
it go? Well it was crazy; there were players making the noise of
swamp dragons, push-ups done for captain Vimes, Witches blessings,
the borrowing of Wizard's hats, oh and as Fate would have it, out of
ninety Discworld character cards Pat Harkin unbelievably got to play
the Duck Man, hoot! Eventually there was the winner; the one and
only Kristine Heald, apply titled Games Mistress (no fix, she
actually won, with her happy band of volunteers). During the game
she even made time to sing two verses of 'A Wizard's staff has a
knob on the end.' She was delighted to be presented with a bottle of
'Dragon' wine by David. Some hours later we ran another LIVE game
and more chasing about fun was had... On Sunday morning we had lots
of fans enjoying our board game and Pat was particularly please to
beat designer David..."
...and from Bricks and Books:
"The event was held over the weekend from the 4th till the 7th
November, with everything from a live action version of the game
Guards! Guards! (more on that below), to Sir Terry appearing via
Skype. I am grateful to Meerkat from the Official Terry Pratchett
Forum for giving me her quick recap of the event as well as some
snaps as well. Meerkat had this to say about her weekend:
"'On arrival (as good a place as any) you are handed your flight
badge which enabled you to travel all over the disc (TWAT -Three
Witches Air Travel). There were so many things to do it was a case
of sorting through the diary and arranging what you wanted to do.
And there was so much to do too! From just watching to actually
joining in Unseen University challenge where Jan and my team got to
a creditable third place! We also did a Mock the Week spoof where I
had to voice Lord Vetinari's 'true' speech as he gave it. DRESSING
UP NOT ESSENTIAL but great fun nevertheless... The Pratchett
Conventions are a family and it doesn't matter who you are, where
you come from or the language you speak. Terry's fans accept you for
who you are! It's a lovely feeling! It was fun fun fun! I'm
exhausted that'll teach me to volunteer for things...'
"I also spoke to Leo Boyd, one of the co-creators of the fantastic
Guards! Guards! game, that should be on everyone Discworld fans Xmas
list, from what I have been told the live action version of their
game went down a treat and there are plans to repeat it at next
years DWCon, if I go I look forward to seeing it myself. Leo himself
had this to say about the event:
"'You should definitely try to plan a visit to the IDWCon at some
time in the future. The guys who put it together are fantastic
everyone who we met rated it as one of the best DW cons to be at.
They say it may be one of the smaller events but its has such an
intimate and personal feel to it that bigger cons just cant compete
with (and apparently Sir TP has said as much himself)'"
Some great bits to take you on into December, O Readers:
The Professor is... on! On video, that is. Here he is talking
earlier this week with Trinity College Dublin's Head of the School
of English, Dr Darryl Jones
University student and blogger Katie McDermott had a very close
encounter with the Professor in Dublin:
"It was technically only for alumni and I had an essay and a story
to submit that week as well as NaNo, but I volunteered to help out
anyway. Myself and my friends were sitting in the front row, a
meter, maybe a meter and a half from the genius himself. Afterwards
there was a wine reception and while a few people monopolised his
time, asking questions and that, we still got a picture with him and
got to hob-nob over glasses of wine in the same room.
"Then on Thursday we had a class with him. This was definitely the
highlight for me. There was only fifteen of us in a room sitting
around a table with him and we got to ask him any questions we like
about writing. We got world building advice, a debate on genre
fiction vs. literary, ideas for novels, the writing process and a
truly epic tangent when one guy asked where he bought his hat. He
talked about his new novel Snuff, no one else had read it so he
turned to me and said 'I'm just going to address this to my reader
and the rest of you can all piss off.' For the rest of the afternoon
he called me 'my reader.' Best. Moment. ever..."
And here's a direct link to her marvellous photo of Professor Sir
Terry Pratchett, university lecturer and blackboard monitor:
And with that, I'm off to bed. See you next month!
If you have any questions or requests, write:
Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion