Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
June 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 6, Post 3)
1) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE FOR JUNE
2) LATE BREAKING NEWS
1) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Hallo my friends, it is I, Fernando Magnifico! The Lady Asterisk is
currently unable to write the horoscopes after mistakenly eating a
packet of dried frog pills, but do not worry, for Fernando shall
meet all your astrological needs this month!
My friends, this month Fernando wishes to talk about the crimes and
laws. Ankh-Morpork is Fernando's most beloved city outside of
Brindisi, but you must understand that this is the city of the many
old, strange and bizarre laws, such as the law about eating peas
with honey without a licence. Some may not have been prosecuted for
tens or hundreds of years, or even ever, but remember my friends, if
you annoy the Watch sufficiently, there's always a first time! It
has been said by some that, even sitting quietly in your basement
with the lights off, you could be breaking seven different laws. So
it is for you that Fernando has spent the many hours wrestling over
the horny legal problems with the most helpful paralegal from Mr
Slant's office! With Fernando's help, and the most excellente advice
of the stars, you will be informed of the crimes you should most
 Fernando is assured by native Morporkian speakers that this is
how to describe a thing with horns
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Hoggers, listen carefully to Fernando's good advice, for your crime
to avoid is the persistent failure to make a new pot of tea after
drinking the last cup. This law was originally placed "on the books"
in the aftermath of the infamous Nanna Murders following the first
shipments of tea from Bhangbhangduc. Although Fernando knows that in
these modern times people are rarely murdered over the pot of tea,
it is still a terrible faux pas and still illegal. The stars warn
that you almost certainly work or live with somebody who will "rat
you out to the Sammies" (in the colourful lingo of the criminal
classes), and under Ankh-Morpork's three strikes law, on the third
such failure to make the tea, you can be sentenced to 18 months hard
labour in the stocks. Fernando has spent the many hours in the
stocks, and it was the hardest he has ever experienced, trust
Fernando on this.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Munchers, your crime of serving the sweet wine with the fish was
first made illegal by King Chunder the Distended, in the Year of the
Sleeping Giraffe. Although this law was repealed 20 years ago, let
Fernando tell you that while it might be true that this is no longer
against the law, it is still the crime to be serving the sweet wine
with fish! Listen to Fernando, for he has the knowledge of these
things, you want the good, dry Brindisian white with fish, or an
Ephebian white if you must. Just make sure you avoid the Quirmian
rubbish, unless you need to thin the paints or keep the cats out of
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Hernians, your crime to avoid is one of the older laws in Ankh-
Morpork: picking your teeth with a knife greater than two inches
long in the presence of a lady while within seven feet of a dinner
table. (Fernando cannot help but notice just how *precise* the old
Morporkian laws are.) Last enforced in the Year of the Elongated
Weasel, when Sir Edmund Darkworme was sentenced to 80 lashes, to be
hung, drawn and quartered, stitched back together, broken on the
wheel, sealed in a barrel of tar, and catapulted out of the city at
dawn. As Sir Edmund was a gentleman, his dogsbody Balteus was
permitted to serve the sentence in his place. My friends, unless you
have the dogsbody, the stars recommend you avoid this law.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Staffies, the stars say you must take care to avoid the crime of
weasel-baiting. In the more uncivilized times, before Ankh-Morpork
became the gentiale and polite city it is now, rough and unpleasant
men enjoyed the many cruel sports. One such is weasel-baiting, where
the weasel (or sometimes the stoat) is chained to a post and worried
by specially trained attack-hamsters. Fernando is sad to say that
even today, in some of the more backward corners of Brindisi, there
are those who bet on such sport. Fernando is the very pleased that
it is illegal here in Ankh-Morpork, for Fernando loves the animals
(although not in *that* way, except once, when he was very drunk,
and besides the dolphin would not take no for an answer).
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Bilians, like many people you have probably received the c-mail
messages claiming that the duck's quack does not echo, that there is
a talking dog in Ankh-Morpork, and that if you forward the c-mail to
eight other people, Lord Vetinari will pay you $1000 dollars. Trust
Fernando on this for he knows that it is so, there is no doubt that
these stories are complete nonsense... except for one story. It
actually is true that Ankh-Morpork has the law against leaving a
crocodile tied to a post outside of a cafe or bar. Fernando is as
surprised as you are, and can only wonder that the was ever a time
where the city had such a problem with people taking crocodiles to
town that they needed such a law.
My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Nosers, your crime to avoid is not an old one but it is the very
much current. All of Ankh-Morpork remembers last year's invasion of
the Nac MacFeegle, when the dozens of bars were drained of every
drop of drink, the valuables went missing from houses all over the
city with nary a care for whether the householder was paid up with
the Thieves' Guild or not, and the brass statue of a sheep in
Knitters Lane was pried up from its stand and discovered five blocks
away. (Although in truth Fernando is unsure whether that last one
was done by the Feegles or by the dreaded Pigsty Hill Mob.) As a
direct result of these events, especially those of Daft Wullie
MacFeegle and his accomplice Horace, the stars say that Nosers'
crime to avoid is the city's newest law: consorting with cheese.
Though do not be too afeared my friends, for if you are quick enough
and have the strong enough stomach, you can always eat the evidence.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Boring'uns, the stars smile upon you. Not for you are the exciting
crimes, like robbery, treason, or performing mime within the city
limits. Your crime has never actually been illegal, and as such, let
Fernando reassure you that you cannot commit it, even by accident.
300 years ago, King Wiffleford the Short-Lived attempted to
introduce the law prohibiting the loud breathing in his presence,
but before it passed into law, Wiffleford was deposed by a rebellion
of nobles lead by Lord Alestair Earl of Hubborough-on-the-Ankh
(later King Alestair the Asthmatic). So feel free to breathe as
loudly as you like, cara mia.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Andies, the stars warn that you should beware of the old law against
persistent egregious misquoting of public figures. Did the great
Agatean philosopher Ly Tin Wheedle not say, "That which does not
kill us, is worth two in the bush"? No, Fernando assures you that he
did not, and there is a special department at the Ankh-Morpork
Bureau of Measures that checks this kind of thing. Claiming that
Lord Vetinari, in a recent court case, said, "I do believe it is
pineapple, and that's cutting my own throat" can buy you a world of
trouble, my friends, for it is not only Mr de Worde and his staff
who have to be very sure they get their quotes right! The stars also
say you must avoid breaking a lesser but still serious law against
persistent egregious mixing of adages, such as "a chain is only as
strong as its spots", "a rising tide gathers no moss", or "those who
live in glass houses laugh longest". When the Bureau revokes a
poetic licence it's no laughing matter. Trust Fernando on this, for
it is so!
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Spooners, your crime is one which was passed by accident: hitting
the nail on the head! Due to an unfortunately poor choice of words,
the Ankh-Morpork legal system considers hitting a nail on the head
to be assault and battery. Under Mad Lord Snapcase's rule, 317
carpenters were sent to the Tanty using this rule. Lord Vetinari had
them all freed (except for Raving Ronny Ramsgate the notorious plumb
bob murderer) but the law has never been formally repealed, so watch
out my friends, for Vetinari cannot live forever. Unless that c-mail
Fernando received yesterday is right and he is a vampire...
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Some crimes are forgiveable, such as the stealing of the bread when
you are starving. Some are understandable, such as the crimes of
passione. But some crimes are senseless. The fig is the most useful
of fruits, good for eating straight from the tree, or for making
jam, and the leaves are the most handy if you should find yourself
out on the street without the pants, as happened to Fernando last
week. So Fernando is shocked that in Ankh-Morpork history, there
have been no less than three cases of people being convicted of
destruction of property for using the fatal curse on an fig tree,
which subsequently withered and died. Hokians, the stars warn, don't
you be one of them!
The Big Chicken 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Squawkers, the crime the stars tell Fernando you must avoid is the
purchase of spices for nefarious uses. Here in Ankh-Morpork it is
illegal to purchase more than 3oz of spices (pure or mixed) for lewd
or immoral purposes, without a licence from the Seamstresses' Guild.
While this was once a little used law, the publication of "The Joye
of Snacks, by A Lancre Witch" a few years ago. This rustic cookery
book was banned, but not before the several hundred persons had
broken the "Spice Law" with the spectacular and they say, comical
results. (Fernando has sampled some of the recipes from this book
and can assure you, cara mia, that they are very pleasant, but he
understands that these might be viewed as threatening to the
established order of A-M society by the peoples who are more, how do
you say, tightly locked in the underclothings.) The stars say that
if you simply must obtain more than the legal allotment of spices, a
series of purchases in different parts of the city would be a wise
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Umbragians, your crime to avoid is the crime of corruption of a
mynah. Fernando does not judge, but this is a shameful crime and you
will find no mercy from either the courts or the common criminals.
But do not be afeared my friends, for you may be the molto lucky
Fernando knows that there has not be a prosecution for this for 90
years, not since the retired pirate captain Victor Bamboosa was
convicted for teaching a mynah to say "Show us yer drawers". The
fact that he was by then a cabinetmaker was not considered to be the
2) LATE BREAKING NEWS
2.1 NADWCON UPDATES
The final ones! At least for this month...
Mrs Palm announces more panels and a wonderful special visit
"Witches, Wives, Seamstresses and Soldiers: The Women of Discworld"
Our panel will discuss the lively lives of women on the Disc. Friend
of the con, Kathryn Hoppe, as agreed to be on this one, along with
some members of the Seamstress Guild and the Monstrous Regiment*.
Yours Truly will moderate. This coven, sorry, panel, should be a
very spirited one, to say the least.
* A proud nickname for a core group of hardy women volunteers who
worked all over the con in 2009 and are back at it, again. You may
have seen our ribbons.
6/ 28/ Update & Correction: Due to a scheduling conflict, Dr.
Jan Clarke will not be able to join us on this panel.
"The Discworld Beastiary"
In a nice moment of serendipity, Esther Friesner* and I both came up
with this idea for a panel at NADWCon. She has agreed to be on the
panel. This is one our animal lovers won't want to miss... A
discussion both serious and un of hares, ravens, rats,
orangutans, dragons and other animals, both mythic and real, on the
Discworld and in the world of folklore.**
* A funny, witty woman and one of our author Guests of Honor, Ms.
Friesner is highly skilled in the fine art of Cheeblemancy.
** Including but not limited to: cats, dogs, dragons, elephants,
hares, horses, kangaroos, magpies, orangutans, pumas, rats, ravens,
sheep, and, of course, a giant turtle and a small tortoise of
"Meet the Librarian: Special NADWCon Access at the Orangutan
Jon Lemerond, one of our Wisconsin hosts, has arranged a very
special treat for NADWCon attendees: Zoo Keeper, Mary Schmidt, will
speak with our group about the Orangutans at the Henry Vilas Zoo.
They will close the Orangutan facility to the public so the group
will have exclusive access to the building during this time.
Meet the Librarian A Trip to the Henry Vilas Zoo
We've arranged for a special presentation for our attendees on
Orangutans to be held at the Zoo.The hotel will bus 24 people to the
zoo. Sign up sheets are at the desk. We encourage others who would
like to go to drive there (It is 5 to 10 minute drive from the con
hotel). The zoo is free.
Where: Henry Vilas Zoo
Zoo Open: 9:30 - 5 PM Daily
How: Bus or car. A bus will be sent from the zoo which can hold up
to 24 people. The rest can meet us there.
Sign Up Sheets required for Bus. First come, first served.
Time: 3:00 - 3:45 PM
Board shuttle at hotel: 2:30
To view these in their original setting on the web, go to:
And now, some last-minute updates from the NADWcon Committee:
At-Con News and Communications:
Want to keep up with all the news as it happens during the
convention itself? We will have several ways to keep you informed
and alerted to where the fun is, was, or will be happening! Here's
1) At the convention, we'd love to see people share the great time
they are having via Twitter, Facebook, their blogs, and more! We
encourage you to:
a. Tweet about your fun adventures, using the #nadwcon hashtag!
b. Post to your favorite place to blog, post photos, post videos,
etc. and share those posts by sending a link
. After the con, we will post links to all
of the con reports we receive.
c. We are working on creating an official Youtube channel, so keep
your eyes open for the NADWCon channel broadcasting videos from the
2) We will also have several committee members tweeting from the
@nadwcon account. Each of us will sign tweets with our initials so
you can see who's having fun where. Here are some of the folks
you'll see sharing their experiences:
Vivian Obarski (VO)
Emily Whitten (ESW)
Missy Hayes (MH)
Denise Connell (DC)
Pat Harkin (PH)
2) We will be putting together and providing a short at-con
newsletter each day, reporting on the con and providing any
programming updates and announcements. These will be available each
day on a special page of the con website, and also provided in
limited hard copies each day at the Registration Desk.
For budding reporters seeking to submit news to the Ankh-Morpork
Times, submissions must be received by 9 p.m. for publication in the
next day's newsletter.
PLEASE NOTE: We are looking for several intrepid reporters to submit
a daily article and/or photo reporting on whatever fun convention
activity they choose, to be included in the daily newsletter.
Please email worde@...
to volunteer for this.
Others may feel free to submit something as well if they'd like, by
emailing it to worde@...
, or dropping it off in Con Ops, c/o
3) Seeking news about the convention? There will be a PDF of the
newsletter available at the nadwcon.org ( http://nadwcon.org/
website as well as news posted at our LJ account, Facebook, Forums
Pre-Con Help Is Welcome:
Arriving early and looking for a way to help out? If you want to
volunteer to help with the set up, arrive on July 7 before noon on
the second floor
Sheathe Those Swords and Leave Your Brass Knuckles at Home!
We are all about authenticity in costuming, but before you pack up
your collapsible scythe, please read our weapons policy, as listed
The Watch will be out in force to ensure that our convention follows
the policies set forth there, so please ensure that you are aware of
them, and help us to keep everyone unharmed and having a good time
by following the rules at the con!
Maskerade info now online!
Planning on entering our lovely little maskerade? Got a Rincewind
costume that would make David Jason jealous and want to entire it? Be
sure to read our maskerade rules, as listed here:
Program listings now online!
Want to know about the science of Discworld? Curious about Stephen
Player's art and technique? Or maybe you want to match wits against
Granny Weatherwax? All that information can be found on our
programming page, http://www.nadwcon.org/Programs.html
Be sure to keep an eye on that page also, because there will be a
pocket PDF guide available there for people to download and enjoy at
the convention. For those of you with smartphones, we're planning on
having an app available also.
Snowgum Films seeks help for Cohen short film!
Snowgum Films would like to remind all con attendees that there is
now less than two week of opportunity to go, in being involved in
the largest independent Discworld film ever made: Troll Bridge!
A huge thank you goes out to all project backers who have infused
themselves into this project thus far; you're making history!
Please visit the site below for your last chance to nab some
exclusive Troll Bridge merchandise and be involved in the most
epicest short film ever made! http://tinyurl.com/5vbz6j8
Staying in the Madtown a bit longer? There's more than just the
Discworld convention to be found in Madison. If you're lucky enough
to linger around, you'll find that there's plenty to see and do in
town. Check out our travel guide, http://nadwcon.org/Travel.html
for more information.
Sad news regarding Elizabeth Moon: due to family health problems,
Elizabeth Moon will not be attending NADWCon. We wish her and her
family the best during this time.
Equipment and Supply requests! Help a con out!
If you're local to the Madison area, your Committee begs your
indulgence and assistance. Anything we can beg, borrow or (ahem)
steal from you in the way of supplies for the convention will
relieve us of having to buy or rent those items, freeing up funds
for worthy causes.
We're particularly interested in the following sorts of things:
computers, video projectors, and cables to connect those items.
These could be used in all areas of the con. Sewing machines, fabric
(ladies, anything you donate will just make room for more!),
findings, lace, thread, and all useful items for the Costume
Dungeon. A nice big coffee urn or two. A cash register, cash boxes
and zippered money pouches. And any sort of office supplies--paper,
binder clips, sharpies, scissors, stapler, rubber bands, post-its,
and whatever else you might think useful in your office. Oh yeah,
and we could really use your leftover clean plastic grocery bags!
Let us re-use them for you!
If you can lend or donate any of these things, please let us know at
2.2 DISCWORLD GAMES NEWS
David Brashaw of Backspindle Games tells us:
"I just thought I would update you on developments with Guards!
Guards! A Discworld boardgame. It was very warmly received at
Cabbagecon. You can see a review at:
"We then took two prototypes to the UK Games Expo were everyone
really enjoyed it and it was shortlisted in the best new board game
category. Last weekend we had two games running at the Lisburn
Gaming Club. Both Discworld & non-Discworld fans had a great
evening. This weekend from Friday to Sunday we are at Q-Con
www.q-con.org.uk and will also be asked about the game's development
on a designers' panel.
"We are delighted that twenty years after Leonard [Boyd] pulled
together his original version of the game, it has now been developed
and will shortly be available for Discworld fans to enjoy. It's
ironic that its being made in China... (20 year anniversary and all
that). A great outline of the game can be found at:
"At the time of writing the game is off to print. We are hoping
advanced copies will be available at NADWCon for fans to buy. The
game's illustrator Stephen Player is attending as a guest of honour
We have also designed a live (run around the Convention building)
version of the game for fans to enjoy.
"Officially we are hoping for a US release on 4 Augustat Gen-Con
www.gencon.com and a more likely release in the UK around 15 August.
Once dates are confirmed, games and a collectible Bookmark will be
available on pre-order at www.guardsguards.com
More information and the occasional competition can be found on:
"At this time it's looking like we'll be selling through our website
to Australia & New Zealand so there'll be a bit of postage to pay,
sorry. However you do get the unique character Bookmarks buying it
this way. We're not doing them for Amazon or Play.com."
For further enquiries:
David Brashaw & Leonard Boyd
Backspindle Games Ltd
Tel: 07760 337578
Treefrog Games' new Discworld board game will make its premiere at
A pre-release review at Wired:
"Treefrog Games' upcoming Ankh-Morpork, designed by Martin Wallace
(Age of Industry, London), scratched every Discworld-related gaming
itch I had, and then a few I didn't. I was lucky enough to get a
prototype in the mail and when my gaming group gathered around the
table to give it a go, all of us went away happy. Even those who had
never even heard of Discworld.
"My friend Matt called the game 'a twisted mix of Munchkin and
Settlers of Catan,' and I think that fits it pretty well. The game
includes a map of the titular city and each player has a secret
objective: accumulate wealth, take control over a certain number of
neighborhoods, or just cause massive amounts of trouble. Because
everyone has their own unique and hidden winning condition, you get
the suspicion and finger-pointing typically seen in a game of Mafia
or Werewolf. Combine that with the tactical element of moving your
minions around on the city map, and the hilarious and beautifully
illustrated cards full of the characters and places that Discworld
fans know and love, and you have a very well-rounded experience..."
If you have any questions or requests, write:
Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion