WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2009 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)
====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE AND CLOSE
24) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
24) NOT THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando Magnifico! The Lady
Asterisk is unavailable today, for she has a bad radish, but do not
fear, for Fernando shall be your astrologer today!
My friends, last month I told you that Fernando's membership of the
Guild of Prognosticators, Soothsayers, Fortunetellers,
Oneiromancers, Haruspices and Cunning-Men (divers wizards, witches,
priests, priestess and Mrs Cake exempted) had expired, and Fernando
was prohibited from casting the horoscopes. Due to the dastardly
machinations of the despicable Carlos (I am sure), Fernando's
membership renewal has gone missing for the *third* time! But do not
be afeared my friends, for Fernando shall throw caution to the winds
of Flatulus, as they say, and write the horoscope regardless! Let
the Guild do their worst, Fernando is not afraided! Besides,
Fernando has discovered that the Guild official in charge of his
case, Cornelius Fludd, is married to the daughter of Fernando's
paesano Bruno, who you may remember was sat on by a sow after giving
the disrespect to Aunt Peppita.
My friends, Fernando knows very well that footsball is the King of
Sports! This month, Ankh-Morpork has gone footsball mad, for the
long awaited grudge-match between Unseen University and Brazeneck
University is finally upon us! These two universities have been the
traditional rivals for months, and so Fernando knows that this will
be a match to never forget -- especially as it is said the captains
of both teams have asked the Patrician to allow the use of the non-
fatal spells during the match. This promises to be a match to talk
about for years, and the spectacle will be worth the almost
insignificante risk of being turned into a kakaparrot by some mis-
aimed spell. Fernando has the looking forward to this match almost
as much as he looks forward to watching Fabiano Capisce play for
Rail Youventis in the Brindisi Cup this year, and so in honour of
this occasion Fernando has asked the stars for their advice on what
is your best footsball position to play, and who is the player you
are the most like.
Ciao bella! Go Youventis!!!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Your footsball position is: ONE OF THE MOB
Fernando knows that Hoggers have the very spiky attitude and the
ability to curl into the small ball for self-defence. This will be
very valuable to you, for the stars say that you are best suited for
playing Feegleball. A dangerous variety of footsball, played
wherever Feegles can be found passed-out drunk, each team has two or
three hundred brave, foolish or merely suicidal men. The object is
to kick the Feegle from one side of the town to the other without
being beaten to a bloody pulp by either the opposition or the
Feegle. Do not be upset my friends, for Feegles are tougher than
they look and being kicked or trodden on is unlikely to hurt them.
There are no positions in the game of Feegleball, only a great big
mob -- except perhaps the foetal position if the Feegle wakes up
during the game.
The stars tell Fernando that the player you are most like is Archie
Gerbil, the Scourge of the Scours, who in the Year of the Greased
Weasel scored a goal by dropping Awfully-Big-Nosed-Jamie MacFeegle
down the pants of Danny "The Boy" Parsnip's pants, then drop-kicking
The Boy across the goal line while he was screaming. Fernando is not
sure who he is most sorry for, Parsnip, or the Feegle.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Your footsball position is: ATTACKING MIDFIELDER
Munchers, the stars say that your position is the attacking
midfielder, the molto shining star of the footsball team. Your job
is to to be the offensive pivot of the team, around whom the team's
attacks are centred. Fernando understands that being the offensive
pillock is entirely up to you, although historically being the
offensive pillock is, as they say, part of the job description. As
attacking midfielder, the team will expect you to use your amazing
ball-footing and ball-heading skills to help your less talented
team-mates to score, both on and off the field.
The stars tell Fernando that the player you are most alike is Django
de Marat-d'Auney, "the Hand of Io", the dirty cheating Quirmian who
cost Rail Youventis the Cup nearly two years ago. Fernando is sick
to the stomach to even write his name, but Fernando will suffer for
your sake my friends, for the stars have spoken.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Your footsball position is: WINGER
Hernians, the stars say the footsball position best suited to you is
the winger. You need to run fast, which is well-suited to the
Hernian fizziology. The ability to kick the ball with both feet is
very valuable, but Fernando knows that even more valuable is the
awareness of when you are about to be trampled by the opposition
players and also the ability to quickly get out of the way.
The player you are most alike is the famous winger Alessandro
'Huevos' Rancheros, renowned for his ability to score with both
feet, and famous for his family of eighteen children. Fernando knows
that he obviously is not just scoring with his feet.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Your footsball position is: CENTRE-BACK
The stars have spoken to Fernando, and told him that the position
Staffies is most suited to is the centre-back. As centre-back you
will need to be tall, or at least large, and molto brave and
decisive. Your job is to stop the opposition from getting close
enough to goal to score, and since the Staffies are known for being
competitive, strong-willed and determined, to say nothing of willing
to take advantage of your opponent's weaknesses, Fernando knows that
you will be a successful centre-back if you can overcome your
natural inclination to have fourths or even fifths for supper.
The player you are the most alike is the famous centre-back for
Armoury, The Hon. Charlton Fimsbury Hazeldine-Cruft, or "Chazza" to
Armoury supporters and "that mad toff" to everyone else. Known for
his dirty tackles and absolute disregard for the sporting spirit of
the game, Chazza's most famous clash was in the match against the
club Hardenup Hotspikes. Taking advantage of the referee being
momentarily stunned by a thrown pork-pie from the crowd, he took the
opportunity to take down Dugdale 'The Gentleman' Spork by tackling
him behind play so hard he ended up wearing The Gentleman's jersey.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Your footsballer position is: STRIKER
Bilians, the stars have said your position is the striker. The
striker is given few defensive responsibilities, which is good for
you as Fernando knows that after a vino or three Bilians aren't so
very good at the responsibilities. Or for that matter, the fast
reactions and quick running, but the stars must know something
Fernando does not, for they have spoken. And indeed the player you
are most like is the Disc-famous Mateus Vinho de Rosay, known
everywhere as Edmundo (although no-one knows quite why), one of the
greatest goal-scorers the Disc has ever seen, and a true gentleman
when he has not over-indulged in the grappa.
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Your footsball position is: FULL-BACK
Fernando knows that the full-back is expected to be strong and
intimidating. Traditionally the full-back is expected to be a solid
defender, like a wall as they say, although some teams today have
experimented with the faster, more agile and attacking player like
the Zlobenian full-back Hermann 'Hutspa' Jagomeister. Fernando
prefers the old ways, like the player you are most like: Llamedese
full-back Dai Huw Gareth-Pugh-Davies, known as "The Icebox" and
sometimes mistaken for a troll.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Your footsball position is: INSIDE FORWARD
Boring'uns, Fernando knows what you are thinking -- footsball, even
the more refined "no contact" version played today, is far too
exciting for you to even watch, let alone play. My friends, Fernando
understands why you say this, but the stars have spoken, and in fact
the most celebrated footsballer of all time, the legendary Navaroni
Pimiento, otherwise known as Puli, is a Boring'un! Fernando
remembers being taken to see Puli in an exhibition match when he was
a small boy (Fernando, not Puli). To watch Puli's skills on the
footsball ground was a thing to behold, a thing of great beauty,
almost as much as Fernando himself. Even to this day, Puli is held
in such great respect that when he visits the great city of Ankh-
Morpork he can walk through the Shades without losing any of his
arms or famous legs. So be not afeared, Boring'uns, for if it is
your fate to be the inside forward your life will not be dangerous.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Your footsball position is: GENERAL MIDFIELDER
The stars say that your position is the general midfielder, or box-
to-box player. Fernando knows that to be the complete midfielder,
you must be flexible and able to play both attacking and defensive
roles, and it is this double-nature which is the very much suited to
the Andies. Fernando knows all about being flexible, and practises
his stretching exercises for an hour every day.
The stars also say that the player you are most alike is Darrin
Bechamel, known to his legions of fans as "Ecrous d'argent".
Fernando knows that "The Sauce", as he is also known, makes the
womenfolk swoon almost as much as Fernando does, which only goes to
show that some people are the very easily impressed.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Your footsball position is: GOAL KEEPER
Spooners, Fernando has the good news and the bad news for you, for
the stars have said that your position is the Goalkeeper or Goalie.
The good news is that this is a position of great importance, the
last line of defence in any footsball team, the only player allowed
to touch the ball with his hands (apart from Django de
Marat-d'Auney, it seems), and most importantly, the player who gets
to wear the stylish jersey different from the jersey worn by his
teammates. But the bad news is, if you let the goal through, your
name will be cursed onto a hundred generations, or until the next
time you save a goal, whichever happens first.
The player you are most alike is Hans "Totenhosen" Totalvoetbal,
Most Valuable Player for the club Acme in the Year of the Dancing
Bear. Fernando remembers seeing Totalvoetbal caught far out of
position once, and still save the goal by throwing the opposition
captain into the ball's path.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Your footsball position is: XXXXIAN FULL-FORWARD
In distant Fourecks, they play the game of "XXXXian Footy", or "best
bloody bewt game bar none", as the locals call it. This Footy is a
strange, disturbing sport, where each team might easily kick twenty
or thirty goals in a single game, instead of one or two on a good
day as the gods intended. And Fernando asks, what sort of sport
rewards the team for missing the goal by giving them a consolation
point? It is very strange, the sport of jokers, and so the stars say
that this will suit Hokians very much. Your position is the Full-
Forward, the player whose job it is to kick goals, or at least
points, to shout abuse at the supporters (of either team), and to
leap moltissimo high into the air to catch either the ball or a
The player you are most alike is Bazza "Porkchop" Locker, who played
for the XXXX Footy League and kicked eleven thousand goals in one
season despite having to play with a small pig stuffed down his
shirt after losing a bet.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Your footsball position is: DEFENSIVE MIDFIELDER
Gazundians, your position is the Defensive Midfielder. The Defensive
Midfielders are the players who cover the most amount of ground
during a game, running up to seven or eight miles in a single game.
Fernando knows that your task is to harass and tackle the
opposition, and if all else fails, to pretend to be hit by another
player and throw yourself theatrically to the ground in front of the
The player you are most alike is Gustav Pilsner, "the big bad
Ballkontroller from Bad Blintz", who once ran twelve miles during a
single game: nine miles after the ball, and three miles to the local
tavern and back when the half-time beer barrel ran out.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Your footsball position is: THE DEEP-LYING FORWARD
Umbragians, the stars say your position is the deep-lying forward,
an unorthodox position invented by Puska Bagor from the mountainous
district of Magyarya. You may also know him as the pappa of the
famous Bagor sisters Cha-Cha and Viva, who Fernando is molto
disappointed to have been born just a few years too late to meet,
such is the cruelty of fate. The deep-lying forward is an attacking
position, similar to the striker, but better suited to the deceitful
style of play used by the Quirmians and the flexible view towards
the facts as practised by Umbragians.
The player you are most alike Ilyich "Gloomy Trousers" Slivovitzky,
who won the Uberwald Cup for his team by playing on the opposition's
side and kicking three own-goals before they realised who he was.
Eek! We've run out of room! See you next month!
-- Annie Mac
End of Part 4.
If you did not get all four parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2009 by Klatchian Foreign Legion