WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2008 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)
====Part 4 - WEIRD ALICE, HOROSCOPE AND CLOSE
27) WEIRD ALICE, CONTINUED
28) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
27) WEIRD ALICE, CONTINUED
There's this amazing palace, much larger than the Patrician's one,
that goes on and on and is all huge old columns and arches and
ceilings almost too high to see. And an aqueduct with actual water in
it! -- that's how I knew we weren't in any A-M of the here and now.
Everything looks old in an oddly new way, and everywhere there's that
weird light, like vurm-light only brighter. And the Floating Party,
which certainly was a party and then some, and sometimes floated (I
know *I* did). I saw species that have supposedly been extinct for
centuries, and fashions that definitely have been. It all felt like a
dream, even the scary parts, and the war which I did apparently help
stop though I've no idea how or why. I spent weeks down there but
when I returned to Morpork Above it was on the same morning as when I
left. I'd say it *was* a dream, only there's an amulet that Portal
gave me. And a toga. How odd.
Meanwhile, life in the real - or unreal - Morpork
is...um...colourful. Yes. Colourful. I wrote a song about that, too:
I was walking down The Pitts
Concentrating on ducking strife
I heard a harsh voice beside of me
And I did fear for my very life
I saw Assassins -- that's bad! --
And Chrysoprase's splatters
They looked me up and down a bit
Like meat on a platter...
I don't like Morpork, oh no
I love it
I don't like Morpork, no no
I love it
Don't you walk through the Shades
Unless you show some respect
Pray for luck in the Shades
And you might make it out yet
Well, they looked down at my bag of change
And spat a stream of invective
I said, 'You've got to be joking, lads
'Because I'm wearing my Protective!'
They said, 'We'll take it and break it
'See, chopping off your hands will make you
'And teach you tourists not to mock your hosts --
'Your figgins are toast...'
And I said,
I don't like Slumpie, no no
I love it
I don't like Troll beer, oh no
I love it
Don't you tempt our blades
Don't you tango with Death
Don't you scoff at the Shades
'Cause you ain't made it out yet
I hurried back to my hostel room
Het-up under the collar
I heard a wee voice beside me say
'Would you like something smaller?
'Although I'm knee-high, don't be shy
'My Dwarf Bread is the best
'So don't you fight it, just bite it
'And swallow on a Morpork holiday...'
(Morpork holiday, Morpork holiday, Morpork holiday)
And you'll say,
Don't like Assassins, oh no
I love 'em
Don't like the Brecc'ia, oh no
I love it, oh yeah
Don't you walk through the Shades
Unless you show some respect
Say, 'What duck?' in the Shades
And you might make it out yet...
I don't like Beggars
I love 'em (Morpork holiday)
I don't like Harga's
I love it (Morpork holiday)
Don't like Patrician
I love him (Morpork holiday)
Don't like Ankh-Morpork
I love her!
I sang that in the Drum. And then there was beer.
Cert is spending more and more time at the University. We hardly see
each other these days.
Come to think of it, I don't mind. I'm having a great time.
I've been offered a permanent, resident Bard-ing gig at the
Seamstresses' Guild. Hmm.
That's all I have time for now. There's a party on, down in the
Shades, and I've been invited. It might even be...floating.
Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for Dreadlock Holiday can
be found at:
...and the original lyrics for Parklife can be found at:
It's worth noting that, as is often the case on the anternet, there
are inconsistencies in, um, translation. One person's mondegreen is
everyone else's copy-paste, it seems...also, a special note for those
unfamiliar with the original Blur song -- in the first line, the word
'habitual' was pronounced as 'bit-chal', so Alice's lyric fits the
length of that pronunciation...
28) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Hallo and buongiorno my great friends, for it is I, Fernando! The
Lady Asterisk is unable to write the horoscopes this month, for she
has caught a walrus. But do not fear, for Fernando is here to take on
the mission of being your astrologer for today.
This month, the stars have much to say about missions and Causes.
Fernando understands all about having a cause that gives you great
passion, for Fernando is a very passionate man. When Fernando was a
small boy in the short pants, he was passionate about the pressing of
lizards. Sometimes he would spend hours in the long grass, looking
for a Bearded Gecko or the Headless Iguanas, until Aunt Maria grabbed
Fernando by the ear and yelled for him to pay attention. Fernando has
now put these childish things behind him, but he is still molto
passionate, and he still believes very much in the pressing, only not
So this month, let Fernando and the stars guide you to the Causes you
should follow. Ciao bella!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
The stars this month say that the Cause to follow for Hoggers is the
The Ronald Rust Society For The Introduction Of Slavery For People
Without Knighthoods. Fernando, who does not have a knighthood, is
very happy to see that the Society is finding it muy difficulto to
attract members in Ankh-Morpork, especially after the Patrician sent
his special clerks to take notes at a couple of meetings. But the
stars have spoken, and Fernando must pass on their message, for that
is Fernando's passion. One of his passions. He has many.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Munchers, your Cause this month is to help the poor people of Klatch
get access to the best of Ankh-Morpork medicine. Doctor Archibald
Leech tells that the poor Klatchians have no tools for blood-letting,
a shortage of goose-grease, and their doctors treat the illnesses
with the mould from bread instead of balancing the humours. Fernando
feels sympathy for them, and for Munchers who do too, this is your
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
For the Hernians, your Cause is the preservation of wildlife.
Wildlife is important, and there are many ways that you can help
preserve the wild animals. You can learn how to pickle, smoke and
salt, and how to make jerky. There is also taxidermy, and you may
even go to Djelibeybi to learn the ancient art of mummification.
Hernians of a magical bent may learn spells to preserve animals by
turning them into stone. Fernando is a passionate believer in the
preservation of wild life, and also in the preservation of wildlife,
so you do well to take this advice.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Staffies will find that the Cause that suits them best this month is
the Campaign To Ban Detritus. Fernando has never had need to assist
the Watch with their enquiries, but Fernando's cousin Tomas, who has
a passion for looking into the ladies' bedrooms, has often been
dragged by the ankles back to the Watch house by Detritus. Fernando
has asked Signora Evelina Synonymous, the Spokesperson for the
Campaign, to comment:
"It is high time the Patrician listens to the will of the people and
does something about the menace of Commander Vimes' troll on the
streets of Ankh-Morpork. Good law-abiding people fear being killed in
their beds if this Detritus creature accidentally shoots his crossbow
at the wrong house. Does there have to be a tragedy before Detritus
is banned from the streets?"
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Bilians, your Cause for this month is the Blessed Brutha Save the
Tortoise Fund. You don't need to be an Omnian to help save the
tortoise from the depredations of the cruel eagles. The Tortoise Fund
is always looking for volunteers to rescue the poor little tortoises
which have been turned upside down, and to hunt the eagles. If going
out into the wilderness is too dangerous for you, right here in Ankh-
Morpork there is much work to be done to ban the cruel sports of
tortoise-baiting and tortoise fighting, although Fernando understands
that going out into the desert without food or water is safer than
going into the Shades.
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Fernando found confusing nodes in the stars for Snippies this month,
so he has spoken to Mr Quentin Kindle, manager of the St Agatha bank,
about the Cause. Mr Kindle kindly said,
"Thank you Mr Magnifico, and I must say you are looking more
magnificent than ever today with your blue velvet trousers. My
colleagues and I at the St Agatha Upon Walll bank, to give it our
full name, that's Walll with three L's, thank you, believe that the
time is ripe for Ankh-Morpork to reject the Patrician's experiment
with the golem standard for monetary policy and return to the oldest
and most trustworthy basis for money, the cockleshell standard. Our
bank has invested thousands of dollars buying up shoreland all around
Ankh-Morpork, and have been stockpiling cockleshells for the
inevitable time when the golems stop working and the gold runs out,
something we're sure will happen very soon now."
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Fernando knows that Boring'uns are far too boring to have Causes, and
the stars agree: they are almost completely silent this month. Almost
silent, but not quite, for the most tiny, feeble star in the
constellation alone gives Fernando a single word to pass on to
Boring'uns: "cabbage". Whisper it quietly, caras mias.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Andies are known for their double-nature and grande contrasting
personalities, and this month the stars give Andies a Cause that they
can get into in two ways. For your Cause is alcoholic beverages.
Whether you are against them, like MADAM, Mothers Against Drink And
Merriment, or for them, like the Fancies, who are named from their
motto, "a leetle bit of what you fancy does you good", this month you
have a Cause you can really get into.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
(formerly the Great T'Phon's Foot)
Fernando cares greatly for the bambinos and the small childrens, and
who does not? But sometimes the childrens are their own worse enemy,
when they are running wild and not listening to their Mammas and
Pappas, like Fernando's nephew Carlito who is always making the
mischief in his own way. For Spooners this month, your Cause is to
help protect the childrens, and Fernando knows of no better way to
save the childrens from themselves than by supporting the King
Lorenzo the Kind Memorial Home For Naughty Boys and Girls.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Fernando knows that every creature has its part to play in the great
web of life; for is it not true that not a sparrow can fall without
the Gods betting on whether or not it will hit somebody? And who are
we to interfere with the games of the Gods by letting an entire
species to become extinct? The Gods would not like this, and you
would not like the Gods when they are angry, you might end of
sleeping with the whelks. For Hokians, your Cause this month is to
save the furry rug slug from extinction. This rare and beautiful
creature, part snake, part mammal and known for dropping its legs off
at the first sign of danger, is very dear to Fernando's heart. Furry
rug slugs deserve to be saved, even if their pelts do make lovely
hats. And if they cannot be saved, at the very least Fernando
suggests that you get a Hernian friend to preserve one.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Gazundians, this month the Cause your stars have chosen for you is
the famous Campaign to Clean Up Gnolls. Better than any words
Fernando could tell you about this are the words of the fearsome
signora Contessa von Schutzenfutz, who says,
"It is a disgrace that the Patrician allows these smelly dirty gnolls
into the city without so much as a bath. And what do they do with all
that garbage they collect, I ask you, hmmm? At the very least, they
should be washed and their hair combed. And they're hatless, I say,
hatless. They don't wear hats! You can't tell me that's not wrong."
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Fernando knows very much that without respect, you have nothing.
Fernando remembers very well that his Aunt Peppita was being
disrespected by her paesano Bruno, and she put the evil eye on him
until he changed his disrespectful ways, and the very next day he got
drunk on Uncle Rafael's grappa and fell down in the pig sty and the
sow sat on him. Again. So respect, it is important, except for the
stinking cheese-eating Quirmians and their cheating footsballers, and
Fernando feels sympathy for the Ankh-Morpork conjurers when they are
given no respect by the wizards. Umbragians, this is your Cause: to
work for the wizardry reform and equal consideration for conjurers.
But do it with respect, for those stregazza wizards can turn you into
29) AND IT'S GOODNIGHT FROM US
Whew! Well, I did promise to include all the news that fits. Any
urgent updates or unexpected news will occasion a special extra. It's
getting harder to keep up with all the Pterry news these days, which
is a good thing because there's so much of it. It's also great to see
more and more Discworld plays being performed. Don't forget to pre-
order your copy of Nation, keep your powder dry (whatever that means)
and make sure your humorous vegetables are all nicely polished. See
you next month!
End of Part 4.
If you did not get all four parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion