WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
9) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE LAST HERO
Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown. Read the letters backwards and
discover where many of the Disc's gods live.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2001 Gollancz edition.)
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
1. The Uncompassionate, killed by Boy Willie
(name, 1st letter)
2. God of wine and things on sticks (name, 2nd letter)
3. The Soul Sucker (name, 8th letter) prayed to by Evil Harry Dread
(second name, 5th letter)
4. Goddess of the afternoon (name, 1st letter)
5. The Crocodile-Headed God (name, 2nd letter)
6. God of the winds (name, 1st letter)
7. God of certain mushrooms, and also of great ideas you
forgot to write down and can't remember (name, 1st letter)
8. God in charge of paperclips, unnecessary paperwork, etc.
(name, 1st letter)
9. Goddess of squashed animals (name 1st letter)
10. Immortal bringer of fire (name, 1st letter)
11. Goddess of the sea, apple pie, certain types of ice cream, and
short lengths of string (name, 8th letter)
12. Goddess of saunas, snow and small theatrical performances
(name, 1st letter)
13. The Goddess Who Must Not be Named (title, 3rd letter)
__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Where the gods are
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/12/13/
Puzzle solution will appear next month.
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: THIEF OF TIME
1. Foundling adopted by Guild of Clockmakers (first name, 6th letter)
JEREMY CLOCKSON = Y
2. The Fifth Horseman (first name, 4th letter)
3. Foundling adopted by Thieves' Guild (last name, 3rd letter)
4. Discoverer of the talent of the foundling in #3 (last name,1st letter)
5. The auditor who became Unity (last name, 2nd letter)
MYRIA LE JEAN
6. Chief acolyte to the abbot (3rd letter of name)
7. Apprentice to the Eternally Surprised (4th letter of name)
8. The Sweeper (5th letter of name)
9. The Eternally Surprised (1st letter of name)
/Y /A /D /S /E/ N /D /E /W = Day the world will end
/ 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/ 7/ 8/ 9/ = WEDNESDAY
10) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Miss Anaemia Asterisk
Another report from our new correspondent on Discworld.
Remember that stars ahead of the Turtle's line of flight
change their position only very gradually as do the ones aft.
The ones at right angles may easily alter their relative
positions, however, so every so often the horoscope may
have some new zodiac signs in it. We have adjusted the
dates covered according to the Roundworld calendar,
more or less.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Spring is in the air, unless you live in Fourecks
where they're getting their woollies out and
pretending it's nearly winter. And everyone knows
what happens in Spring when the sap rises and the
young maidens dance their vernal dances and yes,
that's one o' them mettyfors so this is a month for
keeping an eye on your daughters and also for
making sure your dearly beloved doesn't catch you
alone in the scullery at an inopportune time, unless
your name is Ogg. Be careful to adjust your clacks
antenna for seasonal temporal changes. Avoid squishi,
after all it's nearly a month with no 'r' in it!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
All good Gahooligans know to keep an eye on the
skies this month. Why, do I hear you ask? Because
this is the time of year you're most likely to get
hit by a rain of fish, especially if you live near Slice.
By sheer coincidence, your horoscope recommends
you eat a lot of fish this month, so make sure you
carry a frying pan with you at all times. The next
month will see a marked rise in your powers of
prognostication. Of course, by the time you get
around to reading this you already knew that.
The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun
Didn't you do well avoiding that Assassin last month!
It just goes to show that astrology has its uses. Now
that you've honed your reflexes, it's time to think about
fitness classes. You might trot along to Brother Badrep's
Xtreme Self Defence dojo in Gleam Street; who knows, you
could even show them a few new moves while you keep your
skills sharp. And you don't even have to buy a martial
arts cossie because you have a fine hardly-worn suit of
black clothing. Stay away from high-carb foods, no
clootie dumplings for you this month, and make sure to
keep up your garlic infusions, since vampires are very
unintimidated by black clothing.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Those of you born under the sign of the Staff do love your
hot dinners. Like Roundworld Taureans, Staffies have an
inborn love of pleasure and luxury. That's why you really,
really do need to avoid the new Wienrich & Boettcher
chocolaterie now open in Turnwise Broadway. For that
matter, avoid the original W&B shop in Zephire Street
as well. Just stick to your fallback Higgs & Meakins
assortments, or better still, lay off the chocolates altogether.
Who knows, you might even rediscover what your feet look
like. If you are a wizard, do not meddle in the affairs of
hedgehogs, for they -- ah, everybody knows that one already.
Although as the Widdershins Star moves into the third
quarter, you might want to invite one to tea.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Bilious holds sway over the organs of the middle body,
particularly the stomach, liver and gall bladder. Have
you been taking care of yours? For that matter, do you
even know what a gall bladder looks like? Nine out of
ten people wouldn't recognise their own gall bladders
when shown a clear and distinct iconograph of them!
So unless you're that lucky tenth person, take it on
faith that you should treat yours better. After all, "holds
sway over" doesn't mean the same thing as "protects".
Today's hangover could be tomorrow's Igor bill.
Peppermints will bring luck. Avoid mixed drinks with
small umbrellas in them, particularly if they were
ordered by the ape at the next table.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
"All the world's a stage." And how many of us have secretly
wanted to take a turn on the boards of the Dysk or Lord
Wynkin's Men? This month, why not let out the actor in
yourself: impersonate one of the posh nobs in Scoone
Avenue, or a Watchman, or a priest of Offler, just to see
what happens. Don't say I told you to, of course. A small
round stranger may give you something precious in the
third week of the month; be sure no one sees this
happening. Mubboons can expect an upturn in romantic
matters when the Moon enters the House of Squamose.
Beware of eels.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Pay no attention to what they're whispering about you in
those dark corners: this month, the world is your starfish.
Yes, your ship is coming in at last. Remember those shares
in the Leshp Land Redevelopment Company I told you to buy
a few months ago? Well, they're finally rising again, and
what with you being a wise astrologically guided investor,
your future is going to be - what do you mean I never gave
you that tip? But I'm sure I told you why I, too, was
investing heavily in - erm, terribly sorry, I seem to have
misread your horoscope. Prepare for a tight month of stale
cheese rinds, and under no circumstances commit violence
upon wealthy ex-astrologers.
Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Friendships are important, and never moreso than this month
for those born under that discount sign of the Salesman.
Follow your stars to Dibbler's Fine Pre-Owned Jewels
Emporium in Sator Square, where you can find the perfect
gifts to show your friends how much you value them. They
say a true friend is a pearl beyond price, but Mr Dibbler
can sort you out with pearls that aren't beyond your price
range, so long as you don't mind a certain lingering sausagey
smell clinging to the tasteful gift boxes. Or perhaps you'd
prefer to show your affection with homemade ironcrafts from
Gundar Stormbasher's shop in Silver Street. Keep yourself
vigilant against the dangerous Okjoker tendency to
credulousness; you don't want those advertising types
dictating your lifestyle, do you? Be sure to tell Gundar I
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Spring is upon us: bet you a dollar you haven't yet sown those
reannual dandelions and elderberries you drank last year! Do it in
the second week of this month of There Will Be Trouble And No
Mistake. A good month to work on your natural Footy optimism.
No, not your natural footy optimism. Be honest now, you never
thought Quirm Wanderers would make it out of the Fourth
Division, sure you didn't. Have you never noticed that "fool" is
right next to "football" in the Revised Morpork Dictionary?
Take especial care when sweeping in corners, because we're coming
into poltergeist season. A close friend will reveal an amazing
secret; writing about it to the Times is not recommended, unless
you're fond of angry men with pitchforks invading your garden.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Laugh and the world laughs with you, so polish those little bells on
your cap and bring a smile to your neighbours. They say there's no
Fool like an old Fool, but it's never too early to learn Foolishness, or
if you're a practising Omnian fundamentalist, Damned Foolishness.
You will receive a mysterious message on the 27th. If you're a
Borogravian male of national-service age, the 26th would be a good
time to take that Disc-wide voyage of discovery you always dreamed
about. For Hokian trolls and other silicon-based life forms, this is
a good month to polish those pesky lichen patches, for romance is in
the air. Be kind to bonsai mountains and don't forget to write home
to their parents.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Cleanliness is next to godliness, so which god would you like to be
next to this month? A good spring clean will bring you that bit
closer to Dunmanifestin. Offlerians: a good eyewash potion from your
local witch will stop those crocodile tears. Nugganites: try carbonate
of soda to remove those telltale traces of garlic scent in your pantry.
Hernians: lemon juice is good for restoring sweetness to the insides
of your running shoes. Bel-Shamharothees: when's the last time
you wiped the ichor stains off your copy of the Necrotelicomnicon?
Omians: time to tidy up your back issues of Explanatory
Pamphlets and that Heed The Call magazines. Spiritualists: oh,
come on, how do you expect to see anything in a crystal ball unless
you can see the crystal? Honestly, some people.
The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Family, what would we be without them? Well, orphans for a start.
Cough up for a clacks or a pigeon to your dear old parents this month.
Take some time to strengthen or reestablish family ties. The Moose
is loose in the House of Hoose this month, and that means close
family relationships will be especially rewarding. In other words,
cozen up to your nonagenarian great-aunties while they still have the
strength to write a new will. A neighbour may attack you with
words on the 19th, so if you have any relatives in the legal profession,
this is a wise time to flatter them like nobody's business. If you see
a glowing mushroom at the bottom of your garden, be sure to pick
it and include it in a stoo; your future will be very bright. Also
very full of pink elephants for a few days. Avoid albatrosses.
... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
if you have any questions and we will
forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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