--- In TaoTalk@yahoogroups.com
, "gregory_candy" <gcandy@...> wrote:
> A few days ago I was carrying a large bass drum out my front door and
> down the front steps en route to a rehearsal for an opera. I was
> suddenly reminded of an almost identical picture (captured by my
> parents in a photo album) of me carrying a bass drum out my childhood
> home almost 40 years ago to be off to play with a school marching band.
> I was immediately struck by how little my life has really changed. It
> was actually a liberating experience for those few moments. I know I'm
> a very, very different person than that 7th grader I pictured in my
> mind. (or am I ?) I know I've come a very long way in so many
> respects. (or have I ?) But it didn't feel that way at the time. All
> of that intervening time was out of conscious memory for an instant.
> Have any of you had that experience of suddenly finding that you have
> come full circle to a point in the past? For better or worse? What
> lessons can you share?
An incident happened tonight that could fall into a full circle format.
Tonight the weather carries on what it's been for what is too long.
You can cut the humidity with a knife. It feels like your body is
moving through a sauna. Tempers flare with the irritation of
unrelieved basting in one's own juices.
Younger son and I took a bicycle ride out along the lakes. As we
were on our way back we had to cross to the other side of a busy,
4-lane street. We had plenty of time to cross as there was a lull in
the traffic. However, a car heading out towards the lake passed by us
as we rode on the sidewalk towards home. A male passenger in the car
yelled out, "Bitch!" as the car passed. Why is open to speculation.
Energy charged through my body and without hesitation I turned around
and yelled, "FUCKER!" as loud as I could at the car, hoping that I'd
see brake lights and they'd turn back around. They kept moving and
that was that.
How does the situation constitute a full circle for me? When I was a
small girl, I was carefree, running in the yard, playing in the
sandbox, or on the swingset or climbing the plum tree or riding my
bike around our block and through the alley. There were no fears. At
about age 6 my great uncle began sexually victimizing me. I became
wary of adult men and at one point realized I'd developed a victim
As young adulthood appeared, I chose, subconsciously, one man after
another who would do me wrong one way or another. I wasn't interested
in someone who didn't. Men here and there along the way would use the
b-word as what I learned is called a stopper. It keeps women in line.
The moment the word was uttered the old paralytic fear of those years
of victimization by my uncle were triggered.
As the years have passed, and various struggles, epiphanies,
disasters, and processings have taken place, I've come to a place
where the utterance of the b-word towards me by any one, man or woman,
has just the opposite effect on me. Not only doesn't it paralyze me,
it empowers me.
When that punk yelled out of the car window, I yelled back. And hoped
he'd want to bring it on.
Does it mean I've come full circle? Maybe not all of the way. Think
of a circle with a small gap in it. Just enough empty space to move
around a little yet.
Thanks for sharing your moments folks. They inspire the rest of us to
tell our bits.