Do you know a Naturally Skinny Person who keeps saying annoying things like: Gee, no matter how hard I try, I can t seem to gain any weight ? Well, dearMessage 1 of 13 , Sep 12, 2007View SourceDo you know a Naturally Skinny Person who keeps saying annoying things
like: "Gee, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to gain any weight"?
Well, dear friends, Help Is On the Way!!!
Studies* have shown that the best way to improve your self-image is
to, ahem, cause unfortunate accidents to happen to people who are way
too skinny and/or in shape, and who haven't dieted a day in their lives.
And after all, who needs diets and exercise when it's so much easier
to "off" the people who make us feel like overweight slobs?
If the conventional methods of convenient conclusions are illegal in
your state (and chances are if you can understand this they probably
are!), you can try three things:
1.Remember, skinny people usually aren't very smart. They're skinny
because they actually believe all the ridiculous new-wave-fad doctors
who advise people to eat nothing but lawn grass. They'll believe
anything from anyone in a white lab coat. So, tell them, "You know,
Andy (typical skinny-person designer name), I understand that eating
broken glass is the best way to clean out your system." And voila!
Problem solved. You can even "accidentally" drop a bottle of Perrier
after you say this if you want faster results.
2.Challenge the skinny person to some incredibly stupid and dangerous
athletic event, like swimming across the Atlantic while strapped to a
maco shark. Skinny people are often extremely proud of their physical
prowess, and will take up any dare.
3.Offer to send your skinny friends on an all-expense paid vacation to
some pleasure resort in the Caribbean, and then pack your friends into
a UPS box and mail them to Cleveland. The shock and disappointment
they'll experience once they're let out should be enough to do them in.
If you really lack the "heart" to terminate your skinny friends, then
you do have one more option. Just remind skinny people that many of
the greatest minds in history were embedded in fat bodies (i.e. Johann
Sebastian Bach, Ben Jonson, Buddha). Eventually, your skinny friend
will realize that the key to happiness and fame really does lie at the
bottom of the twenty-pound sack of potato chips that you've been
munching on while he's been stupidly sipping ice water. At that
point, he'll probably feel embarrassed enough to buy you lunch.
* The studies were conducted, performed and recorded by members of an
extremely elite and top-secret think tank, which meets in my backyard,
and who could not be reached for comment.
This has been a public service announcement from the "Portion Control
Is For Crash-test Dummies!!!" Foundation.
That was simply delightful. And I am not saying that just because I belong to your foundation. PriyadarshanMessage 1 of 13 , Sep 12, 2007View SourceThat was simply delightful.
And I am not saying that just because I belong
to your foundation.
What a laugh riot! The timing of this important announcement from the portion control foundation couldn t be better. While eating another calorie inducing (yesMessage 1 of 13 , Sep 12, 2007View SourceWhat a laugh riot! The timing of this important announcement from the
portion control foundation couldn't be better. While eating another
calorie inducing (yes inducing not reducing) breakfast at Bruce's
Bakery in Great Neck on Sunday, the conversation turned to the world
of Weight Watchers and the number of our friends who have joined and
are shedding pounds quite noticeably.
I half-heartedly tried to play devil's advocate and pontificated on
the relationship between large people and big hearts. Then I tried to
say that if someone is *too* thin, I cannot but help but think of
eating disorders and haunting images of concentration camp victims.
Well can't say I didn't try but it seems we are all probably going to
check out the program too - I've lost 9 pounds since the end of June
just through tools like http://www.calorie-count.com but nary a soul
has noticed - not even my good friends who see me all the time. Guess
it has to be more than that to become apparent. So now I'm gearing up
for lots of lawn grass - yum, yum! Can I chase it with a Lindt truffle?
... The funny thing is that many years ago, we had one of those annoyingly thin persons ask this very same question:Message 1 of 13 , Sep 13, 2007View Source
> Do you know a Naturally Skinny Person who keeps saying annoying > thingsThe funny thing is that many years ago, we had one of those annoyingly
> like: "Gee, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to gain any weight"?
thin persons ask this very same question:
I don't know who that person is. But, I do know that he can still eat
at least 4 cakes per day and remain 3 stone underweight.
We all have a cross to bear, I guess.
P.S. Mahiruha - I look forward to our 250 mile bicycle ride next time
I'm in NY. I'm sorry we didn't make it last August.
P.P.S. I have to say that lawn grass is not as attractive as you make
it out to be.
Ice-cream works great - but it has to be rich in fat and eaten in huge quantities right before going to bed - great with whipped cream. More advice maybe fromMessage 1 of 13 , Sep 13, 2007View SourceIce-cream works great - but it has to be rich in fat and eaten in
huge quantities right before going to bed - great with whipped cream.
More advice maybe from Adhirata ...
(trying to shed some ice-cream pounds, I cane acriss a foolproof
miracle diet: get up after breakfast, postpone lunch until dinner and
go to bed before dinner. Not good for food-lovers, though.)
Finally some jokes I once copied down for Sri Chinmoy who
always enjoys innocent jokes and completely identifies with people
trying to work on their weight:
Two boys laughing at a fat woman. She looks at them and says: I am
fat and you are ugly. If I want, I can loose weight. But what will
Doctor to fat man: Boy, you have become heavy! At your weight, you
should be at least two metres tall."
Fat man: Yes doctor, you are right. But I can eat as much as I want
to I just don't grow taller!"
What is the easiest way for a married woman to get rid of a few
excessive pounds? Get a divorce. (Hope this one will not be taken as
Garfield: I am not overweight - I am undertall.
Vasanti, Vasanti! :-) I wish I could understand the mystery of gaining or not gaining weight. DorisMessage 1 of 13 , Sep 13, 2007View SourceVasanti, Vasanti! :-)
I wish I could understand the mystery of gaining or not gaining
Nice tale Mahiruha. I hope you remain in the grip of the whimsical for quite some time. ... As one who can put weight on from 2 meals a day, let alone cakes, IMessage 1 of 13 , Sep 13, 2007View SourceNice tale Mahiruha. I hope you remain in the grip of the whimsical for
quite some time.
> I don't know who that person is. But, I do know that he can still eatAs one who can put weight on from 2 meals a day, let alone cakes, I
> at least 4 cakes per day and remain 3 stone underweight.
can't say I sympathise with such a person. In fact I gained weight while
marathon trainingfigure that one out!
I put on 8 kilos (over a stone) weightlifting a few years back, and then
a few more pie-lifting, which has less long-term benefit but is
considerably more enjoyable to pursue.
We have an expression in this part of the world for people a few rolls
over a baker's dozen: "pie-eaters," as in "Who ate all the
pies?", and I got immense joy the other day by discovering that the
Australian rugby team's number one prop forward (normally the biggest
players on the field), Matt Dunning, who has, less than fondly, been
called a "Pie-Eater" here in New Zealand due to his less than
athletic appearance, is the 2006 World Pie Eating Champion
example of life imitating art so perfect as to be beyond the poetic.
Somewhat tangentally, I am also reminded of several sayings of another
man of substantial girth, Sir Winston Churchill, who to my enduring
amusement was never one to let proprietary get in the way of a perfect
* Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I'd poison your
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.
* Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick
themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.
* Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be
* On Clement Attlee: There's less to him than meets the eye.
* We didn't come this far because we are made of sugar candy.
* We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.
Now if we could only get Mahiruha to riff on the subject of tiredness as well. With an embarrassing sigh of relief, I m treasuring a quiet day off this FridayMessage 1 of 13 , Sep 14, 2007View SourceNow if we could only get Mahiruha to riff on the subject of tiredness
as well. With an embarrassing sigh of relief, I'm treasuring a quiet
day off this Friday - the first one spent at home since my work
schedule went on steroids after Labor Day.
The part of me that is a creature of habit is happy to have a former
night shift back again. However, the overall business of working two
night shifts which start 30-45 minutes earlier than before and staying
a little longer on day shift days is finding me in recuperation mode
by the time my alternating half days at the end of the week roll around.
Last weekend in the spirit of seeing the silver lining in the impact
of budget cuts on the job, I rushed off to NY after my now short
Friday shift. Once in NY, it was all I could do to stay awake during
the Friday night public seeker meditation. At least by Sunday, I was
revived enough to have a sweet meditation experience that I wrote
about here yesterday.
Maybe my riff can take comfort in the notion that as my job is
probably giving me a few new gray hairs, at least when I venture to
colour them at the hair salon I'll feel like I have enough gray to
feel like I'm getting my money's worth. Hopefully, with time this too
will eventually feel normal in my rollercoaster ride of change at work.
winkin, blinkin and noddin,
Dear Mahiruha, I sympathise with any kind of problems with others. But it is hard for me to appreciate this kind of humour. It is just too close to gossip. WhyMessage 1 of 13 , Sep 14, 2007View SourceDear Mahiruha,
I sympathise with any kind of problems with others. But it is hard
for me to appreciate this kind of humour. It is just too close to
Why do we always have to feel our problem is the worst?
P.S. I was very touched by your introduction of the latest editiion
of "inspiration letters."
Hey Mahiruha and everyone, I totally appreciate the humor and frustration associated with weight struggles--- as in trying not to gain weight. Afterall, I amMessage 1 of 13 , Sep 14, 2007View SourceHey Mahiruha and everyone,
I totally appreciate the humor and frustration associated with weight
struggles--- as in trying not to gain weight. Afterall, I am a
middle-aged woman. (!) However, may I just say something on behalf of
I was a skinny person well into my adulthood. I was just born that
way, or maybe my metabolism was high from anxiety or stress. In any
case, let me tell you, people literally *hated* me for being skinny.
I can remember eating in front of co-workers, who would say, and I
quote, "You're so skinny, you make me sick! I can't believe you can
just sit there and just eat [insert food here] without gaining
weight." I can't tell you the number of times I "made people sick."
Or they might say the actual words that they *hate* me for being so
skinny. Somehow, it was alright to comment on my weight and make
hostile, derogatory remarks in the name of thinness, whereas fatness
would have been totally off-limits. Maybe it was supposed to be okay
because "jealousy is a form of flattery," but let me tell you it hurt
my feelings because I felt their true resentment.
Fast forward to my years as a parent of teenagers. My own skinniness
is gone, but in the tradition of both my and my husband's skinny
youths, we now have a very skinny son. He has been teased so
mercilessly about being skinny, or told in no uncertain terms that
something is wrong with him, that for years he has not put on a pair
of shorts or a bathing suit, for fear of ridicule. No matter what the
temperature --- 102 degrees on a recent family vacation--- no matter
what the sport--- running, soccer, street hockey, swimming--- so
protective he is of not wanting to be teased. Some people have even
blamed his vegetarianism and have told him he needs to eat meat to
remedy the "problem."
So, please forgive me for feeling just a little pang at the idea of
wanting to "off" all the skinny people, even as a joke.
As for wishing that weight control was easier, I am all for all of
Victory to our Souls!
Hi Sarah, Humor rhymes with landmine sometimes despite one s good intentions. I really learned something from your post, never having been on the receivingMessage 1 of 13 , Sep 15, 2007View SourceHi Sarah,
Humor rhymes with "landmine" sometimes despite one's good intentions.
I really learned something from your post, never having been on the
receiving end of taunts for being thin - my flavor of adolescence
instead being a steady stream of verbal haranguing from my peers about
being ugly. Nowadays I find it cosmically ironic that I'm sleeplessly
seeking and seeing beauty in the world around me despite my own
charged past history and complex relationship with the concept.
It is sad to see the human capacity for any excuse to feel separate
and divided from others. And if only it were true that remarks on
"fatness would have been totally off-limits" as you write in your
post. I would venture to guess that enormous cruelty has been
perpetrated against those who struggle with being overweight.
When I was in college almost 30 years ago, I used to get credits
toward graduation for teaching an awareness program to freshmen in the
dorms on opening the eyes of white students to the oppression
experienced by African-Americans in America. Until the means to help
someone walk a mile in someone else's shoes is provided, it is not
surprising that awareness is lacking.
I am thus glad for the greater awarenesss inside me created by your
post on the subject and apologize if you took offense in my enjoyment
of Mahiruha's style of humor. I place it in the lineage of Don Rickles
and Woody Allen and wouldn't be surprised if he would be reluctant to
off a flea. Well I can't think of anything else to say so I'll just
close with a poem by Sri Chinmoy
My Lord Supreme,
Do tell me what I am supposed to do
When I feel unloved.
"My child, you and I are
in the same boat.
Do not worry.
Our boat will one day definitely reach
The destination: Love infinite."
Although a healthy weight now at 35, I was also a vile skinny person well into my 20 s. Mostly it was because of metabolism, running, anxiety, poverty, orMessage 1 of 13 , Sep 16, 2007View SourceAlthough a "healthy" weight now at 35, I was also a
'vile skinny person' well into my 20's. Mostly it was
because of metabolism, running, anxiety, poverty, or
some combinatoon. Also, I have just never been that
much of an "eater", and am often sufficently distrated
by art, reading, gardening, etc to remember to eat.
Also, if acquiring food is too much of a bother, I
Like Sarah I have been the recipient of plenty of
hostility for not having weight struggles. This is
particularly noticable at my job. At one point, I was
the only one of hte 8 women in my department who was
NOT dieting, counting points, or discussing
food/diet/suplements/excercise all day long (really -
all day long).
My favorite exchanges, though, are those when a
coworker initiates a conversation about food, as in
"what'd you eat for lunch?" and I quite innocently
reply "Oh I forgot to eat lunch." This is not a
calcualted response, it's just the truth, with no
emotioanl charge on my part. It invariably incites
exaperastion (at least they don't hate me), and I seem
to find it quite amusing after the fact.
I have offered many times to give them some of my
disinterest in food. If it was possible, I would.
For my part, after I passed 30, found happiness and
financial stabilty, and gained me some weight, I was
relieved. Evenetually I gained a bit too much weight,
and was physically uncomfortable, but I was more
fascinated than upset by this turn of events.
I finally decided it was enough, stopped eating when I
wasn't hungry, & started to walk every day. I dropped
the pounds without much effort (incurring wrath &
wonder again) and now am happily maintainig. I feel
fortunate to have dodged the image-consciousness
bullet; I'm a lot more concerned with how I am doing
inwardly than how much I weigh or if my hair is nice! :)
Hi Sharani! No offense taken, by you or anybody else. I only posted to show another side. Love the aphorism you posted! Thanks for all your kind thoughts.Message 1 of 13 , Sep 17, 2007View SourceHi Sharani!
No offense taken, by you or anybody else. I only posted to show
Love the aphorism you posted! Thanks for all your kind thoughts.