Dear Venerable Sayadaws,
I am not sure if I can be clear, however, I would like to try and am ready to recieve any advice you may have. . . . Is this awareness even useful???
Today I noticed a heavy feeling in my heart and identify it as grief and sadness after talking to someone I consider a very dear friend. I also became aware that often my mind goes to negative thoughts of feeling unloved by this person and I imagine this person may feel the same from me...Stingyness then arises wanting to be special to that person and stingy about grasping for attention....then jealousy arises knowing that others don't feel this way about this person and he does not feel that way about them....Grief then follows with dissappointment that I am not happy and he is also not happy.....Thoughts of am I poison for this person then arise....
I think the remedy for this dosa is Metta
what is strange to me is that many times I wait tell I feel loving kindness for him before I make contact, however, the conversation more often than not heads towards dosa...a very bad habit of my mind.....Is it possible that others may promote our bad habits? Is it possible that my core personality is dosa based? this doesn't happen with everyone I am friends with but it does happen with others....insecurity is that also dosa?
I am very gratefull for your time and any advice
with sincere gratitude
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