I've experienced both, the in/out of awareness and the myoclonic jerk (yep,
it's not uncommon and there's even a name for it, so you can look it up for more
info), but I don't think the two are connected.
Because the awareness/oneness experience is so profound, it's kind of a
temptation to link it to all psychic matters afterward, even when they may
not be related. Sometimes elation or depression are just that, ala Freud,
"sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
At the time of my first experience of awareness which I really
recognized as that, I was very sick and had even been told by my doctor that I
would die soon. Obviously, there was a real inclination to connect the
two. It's now many years later and, while there may have been some
association, perhaps my readiness, neediness or what have you, I can now see it
in a much larger, broader context than what I was experiencing at the
Among the things I learned from my experience was that it wasn't a
cure for anything and, at least in my case, it appears that it will continue to
take time to incorporate it into my life. There are still highs and lows;
I still have all my faults and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, the usual
But I do think that, at least for some of us, the only explanation for the
experience is that it came as a gift. It would be nice if I were
"enlightened" all the time, but I'm still just an ordinary person trying to
understand the profoundness of something that is often outside of my mental
grasp. Perhaps I should spend less time thinking about it and more time
just living it. Oh well, a work in
I wouldn't say it is especially rare Renee.
I read just the other day an
account on another
list that had a lot of similarities with yours,
a sudden, powerful transformation, following
by a "dark night of the soul"
period. In fact, that
happened to me as well... an abrupt major
followed by three or four months of being blissed out
not very functional, then another three to four
months of hell (dark night of
the soul), and finally
a breakthrough after which there has been an even
steady unfolding of greater and greater depth and light.
stage was six years ago.
Here's an interpretation of what is going on
Just my interpretation...
The "peak experience" you describe
abruptly ushered in
a whole new way of experiencing. The genie is out of
bottle now, never to return. But there remain many "rough
old wounds, etc.). That means plenty of "deep
processing" ahead. The key, I
suggest, is to just be very
present with whatever comes up. Resist judging or
Just be with whatever it is, applying all the
intensity ("always outside this awareness") to be
present with it. Don't look ahead to being "through"
rather devoting all that is in you to what is right now.
is not difficult, but is a deep and arduous process.
Great dedication and
firm faith is required.
The power of your own
awareness/consciousness/bliss is the
real power that you are...
not the experiences that you have that are important,
it is the aliveness
that you are which is all-important.
Stay vividly present in your own
aliveness every moment
and you will prevail.
:) yes... when the ventilator is unplugged, it keeps
still for some time, until the inertia is
exhausted, naturally. now the
question to ask is
"who is this all happening to?" and, accepting no
answer, persist until questioner, question and doubt
all remains as it always was...
In the midst of these very abrupt swings, have
ever been able to ask yourself if there is someone
present to all of them?
This might be difficult if the mind is
very strong stuff, but it might be possible, and
Most teachers will tell you, if an experience
comes and goes,
then (as Ranjit Maharaj used to
say) "What comes and goes isn't the
There is an underlying 'you' ever present to
That 'you' doesn't come and
Finding a good teacher who can help
your mind to
distinguish this ever present 'you,' from the
experiences the mind has, might be
helpful, because from that vantage point,
mind is experiencing extreme ups and downs, then
there is a stable
'you' which is present to, and
holding all of that.
There already is
(and ever was) a stable 'you' holding
all of this, but prior to recognizing
that stable you,
your mind will take yourself to be subject to
changes, and that stable you is not subject to any
change. Your mind
will change. Your body will change.
'You' (who you really are) never
So that is something to consider.