Someone recently posted a request for info on 'panic attacks'.
I myself suffered from panic attacks for several years. My current
understanding is that I was suffering the consequences of _resisting_
arising of the 'primordia', or 'original nature'.
In other words, it appears to me that one who is being gifted with the
release from suffering and spiritual blindness, which they have been
requesting and longing for and is thus pounding on the door, is
the very process which is the transformation itself.
My resistance was prolonged and heroic; I developed my rational powers
penultimate degree, to thus dismiss the crazy ideas and visions which
bombarding me from every angle. Eventually however, I outsmarted myself
and lost track of my defensive systems. It was at that point that I was
'had' by the Greatest Show on Earth, replete with every special effect
imaginable, all designed to show me in every possible way, that I did
I now have a very good, even great, relationship with 'primordia'. I
say that 'I am It', because I am still cought with my pants down, on
occasion; but, I am allowing my defensive systems to be reduced to the
minimum necessary to preserve my body. Everything is now nourishment for
So, my panic attacks are no longer occuring, and I have been able to
well to help others resolve theirs as well. My experience is that when
approached the right way, it all turns into a really really great laugh,
with bouts of uncontrollable laughter and crying. A person has to be
willing, eventually, to experience sheer terror, at the materialization
the living unknown. Or so it seems to me.
Yes, certain pharmaceuticals do help, if it is needed to simply turn
the intensity, but it must be understood, that what is trying to come
through, is a better, more evolved immunity. This transition should be
allowed to occur. It is similar to seeing an interrupted phase of
reinitiate, with concurrent pains of movement in formerly numbed parts.
I do not agree with a medical approach of constant suppression via drugs
any sort, prescription or otherwise, including pot and alcohol. Constant
repression of the experience of the primordia will lead only to greater
force being applied, and the door will eventually break down, letting it
The comments of cancerous/tumorous manifestations, in my opinion reflect
the ongoing efforts of repression, NOT the mechanics of the emergence of
the nondual. In other words, people who like Susan Segal, who realized
then died of disease, realized not as a result of brain disorder, but in
spite of it.
[Maturity: Consider the alternative]
Francis Lucille, Wakefield, Canada
October 10-17, 1999
Wakefield is a village about 40 miles north of Ottowa, Canada. It is
in a country lodge (called "The Barn"). This one-week retreat is held
there every October and April since 1996.
Attendees are 45 in number.
The daily program is as follows:
12noon-12:45....body awareness (yoga)
9:30pm-until....more satsang, which can include impromptu
entertainment, skits, drumming circles,
musical events, comedy, or more
Francis Lucille has been travelling since 1995 or so, after having
in France and spent about 15 years with his teacher, Jean Klein.
emphasis is on Consciousness, which he defines as "That which is reading
these words now." He teaches that lasting happiness cannot be found in
physical or subtle objects, which are temporary and intermittent.
happiness is the ground of all being, and when this is realized at every
level, it is Self-Realization.
"Every level" means not just intellectually, but also in the heart and
through the body. Intellectual understanding is not enough.
is not enough. The body and the world are to be experienced as
and feelings arising from Silence (=Happiness or Consciousness or
sweetness) and therefore not different from Silence.
The guided meditations are to allow a chance to experience the mind and
body as feelings and sensations aising in consciousness - instead of as
they normally appear, as concretized entities, or as conduits through
experiences happen. Instead, the mind and body themselves are
The yoga is physically very easy and can be practiced in a chair. Based
loosely on Kasmir Shaivism, it is a continuation of the guided
and allows the opportunity to continue the experience in the midst of
The dialogues are ideally to answer questions about these other
or any other metaphysical questions.
Francis has a very quiet, kind, humble and compassionate manner. Unlike
many other satsang teachers, he does not encourage bhakti devotion
towards himself as the object. It is not about a Francis, but about
people being among loving friendships. He teaches that the purpose of
is to discover our true nature, then to celebrate it. He talks a lot
beauty, music and art, sweetness that is the background from which
arise. He doesn't draw any distinction between realized or unrealized
people, because freedom os freedom FROM such distinctions. He also
say that you must stop being with a teacher or a spiritual friend once
have understood the point of these teachings (he was with Jean Klein for
years "after"). He emphasizes being happy, enjoying life. He treats
everyone with respect, like an adult who has already graduated - not
kid who will never get out of school. He is also very accessible for
45 in number. Average age, 50. From all parts of the U.S. and Canada,
well as the U.K., Holland, Spain, and France. It is a seasoned bunch of
folks, usually people who have spent 10 or 15 years studying advaita,
or Krishnamurti. Other large contingents are former Osho sannyasins,
members of the School of Practical Philosophy, contemplative
and the Sedona Method. This particular retreat, there were lots of
who arrived with copies of Ramesh Balsekar's CONSCIOUSNESS SPEAKS to
during the week.
There are breakfast, lunch and dinner, where the residents prepare and
serve the food. (I am usually head of the breakfast team.) There is
of freedom in between the events, and even during - there is no pressure
compulsion to do any of the events at all.
In addition to the planned events there are lots of nice opportunities
walk in the woods, go canoeing, go for a great latte at the nearby
cafe. On Wednesday we had a classical music evening, where Francis
played the flute, joined by with local musicians (who were not attending
the retreat). One of the attendees is a professional clown and mime
artist, a friend from New York named David Ellzey. He did several mime
acts, plus some non-dualist comedy as "Swami Hagen Daz" and "Reverend
Another evening we had a drumming circle for about 90 minutes,
by people dancing.
I had a very nice time and will go again!
Thanks for the recent discussions of this topic, one of my very
Ancient Sumer is quite familiar to me.
In these discussions, it is pointed out that there are or may have been,
highly evolved overlords in posession of advanced technology, etc, and
they gifted or inflicted Urthians with their presence, genes, and etc.
I wish to point out that over and above all such Beings and
of their natures and doings, that there exists now, as then, the
occurance of the intelligence which all of this actually is.
It is always possible for a part to discover another part, but it is
difficult for a part to discover the whole, if the part does not
that it itself, is part of that whole. Such a perspective, skewed by
assumptions of separation, now operates in us as we assume separation in
time, between now and the 'ancient world'.
In reality, the ancients now walk among us, as aware now as they have
been. They wait for us to see them, and to know as Jerry has said, that
are them'. And I am not speaking poetically here.
Someday, it will be common knowledge that we are embedded in what is a
living whole, as part of that whole, and that further, this great whole
alive, and is as aware of us, as we are not aware of it. This awarness
someday return to all of humanity, as it has already occured for some of
Yes, the entire environment is alive and aware, and this if seen for a
moment, for a brief glimpse, can be the most uplifting, or the most
terrifying, event in the life of any person.
What a burden this sense of "me" is. Like the proverbial camel who has
always carried a weight on his back and does not know it, we carry
this 500 pound barbell called "me" and "I" and "mine" and do not realize
the monstrous hell of this burden. What freedom, what bliss, to be rid
this! Cast the sense of "me" away and see what remains. Let truth in.
There is no self, no "me." Get rid of this horrible burden once and for
Quit trying to fill the empty space inside, and dive into it. Lose
yourself in it, and be gone. Anything that gets rid of the "me" is
anything that encourages it is evil.
Be done with "me." Do whatever it takes to melt away this delusion.
then can one be who they are. Be utterly selfless, without any sense of
self whatsoever. Oh, what freedom, indescribable freedom, love, peace.
Whatever remains when the "me" is gone is "who you are."
>>Dan: Here's a report from the basement.
Even down here there's silence.
>>Xan: Funny thing about silence-
you just can't get rid of the stuff.
It's Everywhere !!!!
Dan: Xan - hi, nice to hear from you again!!
The Silence is Everywhere
Including all we call Sound
Sound can only "exist"
because of Silence
>>Xan: Also funny is the idea of a Me
capable of pretending Silence
has been covered over by the
insubstantiality of thoughts.
Dan: Any idea of a Me
Is also included in the Silence
Where it can only dissolve
Sooner or later...
To Silence, it's All the same
"I may not know who i am but i can be sure of one thing, THAT I AM, so i
just have to keep asking who i am (or
where or why or wha for that matter)." The difficulty is that i am not
sure and cannot be sure that i indeed am.
My one sure point of reference is that i do not know. This "sure point
of reference" may seem pretty insecure but
what's wrong with it? I am bolstered in this safe port in the
ontological storm by seeing everywhere people
claiming to know, their knowing apparently being very attractive to
seekers mired in the metaphysical swamps,
who want some assurance about something, excuse the mixed metaphors.
Their knowing could well be the
truth, or at least their truth, so great!, but oftentimes it's not.
Looked at from a different point of view, not knowing can be quite
positive. It is wonder, awe, mystery. Not
knowing is no impediment to acting decisively when that is needed. And
the beauty: not knowing is easy and
fun and you can do it in your spare time at home.
Beautiful, Sarlo! Perhaps it is this fog of "unknowing" that one must
intuit clearly and hold onto. It can bring the
existential sorrow and universal tears to some. It can bring one to
his/her knees as the ontological storms
appear to rage on all sides. One has to learn to live with it, I
believe, on some paths at least. Gradually and
slowly and carefully and mindfully one travels this road which leads
nowhere really, because where can any road
go. Just to another destination. And then what? Where does one go then?
But perhaps this metaphysical
loneliness when carried to the extreme allows the surrender to take
place. A weary and a tired traveler is
ultimately left without a choice. Perhaps it is the preface to
recognizing Grace and that Supreme Aloneness that
is Whole and One, and THAT I AM.
And you don't *think* you understand how it really is.. you DO, you
really do know.
Now will you reveal a few more of those advantages of knowing?
Wow, this sounds like the beginning of another EO list.
Advantages of knowing:
1) When dying, I can die.
2) When living, I can live.
3) I don't have to think twice about it (with a nod to Bob Dylan).
4) I can recognize myself for who I am.
5) I can recognize you for who you are.
6) I don't have to worry about having an advantage.
You are the path. Drop the path, see it for what it is, for
what you are doing - misery, disguised as some purpose, as some
*somebody*, seeking. Seeking for what, you're not even sure!
Without all that, there is only here, which is
nothing more than consciousness. That's it. Quite simple.
There's nothing more to it.
Misery disguised as a purpose. Seeking to perpetuate itself, that's its
Yes, like Da has said, it is like discovering that you have been
There is nothing more then, you just stop. Identity crumbles right in
your very eyes!! Implosion. The only way for someone to understand it
is to go thru it themselves. And for that to happen I think a person has
to want the truth at any expense. Overwhelming desire for the truth, no
what the outcome. Put their intelligence to work.
Lately there has been tremendous emotion, mostly anger, confusion and
fear. As I watch it all, the urge to do something to
change it all has lessened a great deal. I am able to leave it alone,
let all the 'voices' that have something to say, have their say. I
was just wondering about the word 'suffering'. I really do think that
people can easily think that if they 'get enlightened' they
won't feel bad anymore. Maybe so for the rare individual, Jan, as you
I'm not saying I am enlightened either. I care less and less about that.
I notice that this energy of emotion of thought goes on in my body. The
less I believe it to be the ruler of my life the closer I am
to my children my husband the friend at work the stranger on the
sidewalk. The less I have to run away from all of life the pain
the tears too.
So I was just wondering about suffering. And I think about Mother
Theresa. Didn't she really live the suffering of others? Didn't
she get down on her hands and knees wash the bodies of the wretched love
them care for them?
And Jesus Christ? Didn't he take on the suffering of all of us just
because he COULD? Is that what the "EO" is? One who
CAN and WILL or HAS TO or HAS NO CHOICE ANYMORE to take the suffering of
us all...just because...that's the way
I am not so much interested in east or west . Just in living. If I can't
be with the one in pain and fear...if I can't be willing to hold
the hand and go into darkness with my friend and my enemy, I am not
And a quick note regarding my post on "STUCK". Please read carefully.
"Stuck: not not active". I suppose the word 'stuck' in
and of itself connotes negative. Not so this time. As I 'spoke' those
words, you could not see the softness in my eyes, the gentle
smile, the deep breath, you could not hear me say with wonder "stuck.
can't move." Oh email. Can we really listen to each
other through the electronic or is it all dependent on the precision of
language? no inflection, no gaze, no glance, no sway in the
neck or slump in the shoulder, no breath saying I am seeing, I am
Francis Lucille by way of Greg Goode:
"Every level" means not just intellectually, but also in the
heart and through the body. Intellectual understanding is
not enough. Non-doership is not enough. The body and
the world are to be experienced as sensations and feelings
arising from Silence (=Happiness or Consciousness or
sweetness) and therefore not different from Silence.
So glad to hear this understanding!
This is why I think of what we are in as Awakening
and Transformation. It's one thing to wake up and
recognize myself in/as vast silence and another for
all the bits and pieces of constructed identity mind
to come into inclusion, transforming little by little.
Here's a sweet bedtime story for you all.
I had to tell you about the trip to Florence Federal
Penetentiary that Paul and I made last Friday.
Twelve prisoners were there for satsang. They were
so excited to start talking about their reports and
experiences that we didn't even watch any of the
video tape, like we usually do. We just got right down
to trying to talk about that which cannot be described.
Towards the end of our time, Dan, who's been coming
to satsang for two or more years and also spent lots
of time in satsang with John Sherman before he left
(prison), asked a question. He wanted to know if his
constant note taking was really a hindrance to seeing
the Truth. (At one satsang while John Sherman was
still here, John grabbed his notebook and threw it to
the ground, to emphasize the point that notes are not necessary.) I
that there was nothing hindering
him from seeing the Truth, nothing. I said all you have
to do is just Stop..... Stop your strategies..... Stop
looking to your mind..... just Stop..... When I said that,
the whole room became even more silent.
I was just looking around the room at the light coming
from peoples' faces and Paul noticed that Dan's face
was awestruck. He asked Dan what he was experiencing.
Dan said, " Nothing, just Nothing". Paul said, " Great, now
close your eyes and tell me what your experiencing". Dan
closed his eyes and said, "I'm still not experiencing anything".
Paul then asked him if there was any beginning or ending
to this "nothing" and if there was ever a time when this
"nothing" wasn't with him. Dan said "no.....of course not".
Then Paul said, "This nothingness that you are experiencing
is you, your own Self, welcome Home, Dan". Dan then
opened his eyes and said, "It's so simple..... I can't believe
it's that easy." He laughed and laughed and then just sat
there the rest of satsang with a big, big smile on his face.
Both Paul and I couldn't believe how much his face had
changed in those few minutes, those minutes out of time.
What a Blessed, Blessed lifetime to be a witness to such
This came from a friend who's a member of a Christian list--
Our Thinking vs. God's Promises
All things are possible. (Lk. 18:27)
"I'm too tired."
I will give you rest. (Mt. 11:28-30)
"Nobody really loves me."
I love you. (Jn 3:16)
"I can't go on."
My grace is sufficient. (II Cor. 12:19)
"I can't figure things out."
I will direct your steps. (Prov. 20:24)
"I can't do it."
You can do all things through Me. (Phil 4:13)
"I'm not able."
I am able. (II Cor. 9:8)
"It's not worth it."
It will be worth it. (Rom. 8:28)
"I can't forgive myself."
I forgive you. (I Jn. 1:9 & Rom. 8:1)
"I can't manage."
I will supply all your need. (Phil. 4:19)
I have not given you a spirit of fear. (II Tim. 1:7)
"I'm always worried and frustrated."
Cast all your cares on Me. (I Pet. 5:7)
"I don't have enough faith."
I've given everyone a measure of faith. (Rom. 12:8)
"I'm not smart enough."
I give you wisdom. (I Cor. 1:30)
"I feel all alone."
I will never leave you or forsake you. (Heb. 13:5)