>Drunken Avenging Angel Strikes Pentacostal Preacher Stone Dead.
>Moonshine Inebriated Messenger of God Misses Mark. Adulterer Escapes
>Lightning Bolt, Preacher Falls Dead at Pulpit. Angel to be Demoted,
>says Troubled God.
>Shanksville, GA, Dec. 23rd.--An avenging angel called down from
>Heaven during a chaotic Saturday night "Holy Ghost Revival" to strike
>a serial adulterer dead missed her mark, instead hurling a flaming
>bolt of righteous lightning directly through the heaving chest of
>Pentacostal Holiness Pastor Billy Jim Bob, causing the highly-
>regarded house painter turned fundamentalist Bible preacher's instant
>With Pastor Bob's smoldering body slumped over his small crossroad
>church's pinewood pulpit, revival services continued well after
>midnight, conducted by assistant pastor Deacon Bob Jim Billy.
>Funeral services for Pastor Bob were scheduled for this morning, with
>now-Pastor Billy presiding.
>The avenging angel who responded to Pastor Bob's invocation of God's
>righteous wrath is reportedly a novice in her first tour of duty
>wreaking earthly vengeance for infractions of almighty God's holy
>laws, and was inexperienced with the volatility of refreshments often
>served to Pentacostal congregations.
>Following the angel's sampling of the evening service's liquid
>refreshments, she appeared to become unsteady on her feet, then
>folded her wings to sit slumped in a pew next to members of the
>Boacious family, who reported that the heavenly messenger appeared
>disoriented, and to be mumbling incoherently about "these fuckin
>The senior Boacious, Lewt, who had provided several jugs of the
>evening's refreshments, took no offense, commenting that, "Our local
>corn ain't to ever pilgim's taste," and is best, for beginners, "cut
>with clear crick water and sipped real slow like." The visiting
>angel apparently partook of refreshments at full strength.
>At the revival service's emotional peak, Pastor Bob called upon God
>to strike dead Mr. Ray Ray, a successful local business man whose
>extra-marital conquests reportedly included Pastor Bob's own wife,
>Camelia, two of Camelia's older sisters, three of Camelia's older
>sisters' younger sisters, and City Councilwoman Cousin MayBelle,
>Pastor Bob's first wife by marriage. Yet when the tipsy angel rose
>to hurl her flaming lightning bolt, it was Pastor Bob himself who was
>pierced through the heart, and fell dead. Mr. Ray Ray, seated in a
>front pew with Pastor Bob's housekeeper's older sister's younger
>sister's cousin, was uninjured.
>At press time, the avenging angel whose aim was tragically off the
>mark was reportedly demoted from dealing death to authentic sinners
>and reassigned to the U.S. Dept. of the Army's Afghanistan mobile
>response unit, to assist shooting innocent civilians.
>--C. Williams, reporting from Shanksville for M-Atheists.
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