[Transcript from my tell-all interview, which was supposed to be
aired tonight but was preempted by some danged thing or other.]
Oprah, it's time for me to come clean. For many years, I have
used performance-enhancing devices (PEDs) for my daily bike
commute. Not that this is any excuse, but I was trying to
compete with others who were using cars.
My sophisticated operation was why I was never caught. I have
never tested positive for cars, because I was using the big
stuff: mostly Rohr Industries, Alstom, Nippon, Bombardiers,
and sometimes even Bredas and Van Hools. These allowed me to
keep my bike with me.
I am hoping that with this confession we can let the healing
and forgiveness begin, followed by a lucrative book tour.
Also, let's dedicate some of those lanes on the Bay Bridge
for bicycles, and remove the deadly scourge of cars from
this sport that we all love.