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[These darn grads were born when I started high school. Sigh. --Wade]



Copyright 2003 Birmingham Post Co. http://www.postherald.com

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WADE WEEKLY
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Wade Kwon's weekly column
from the Birmingham Post-Herald,
Birmingham, Alabama

May 7, 2003

Time of liberation at hand for Class of 2003
By Wade Kwon
Birmingham Post-Herald


Parents, teachers and distinguished members of the Class of 2003:

It is a proud day. I am humbled to be before you, graduates, watching
you take high school diploma in hand and the world by storm. And from
my years of hard-won wisdom, I have but one urgent message to impart
today.

Get out.

No, really, get off school property. You're taking up valuable
classroom and/or advertising space.

And get out of your parents' homes. That whole living in the
perpetual womb of familial comforts is -- in your vernacular -- so
five minutes ago.

Although we adults are loathe to admit it, we've been charmed for
years by your jaded sneers, your talking back, your admirable
dedication to insolence and indifference. Now that you're joining us
in the real world, we look forward to many more years of your
dedicated "service" behind the counters of super drugstores and cell
phone outlets everywhere.

After all, it's time for you to start giving back to your country.
This great land of ours is much more than shiny malls and sticky
movie theaters. It is a land of innovation, of energy, of tall
steaming lattes of freedom.

OK, I know you've heard your moms and dads say it since you were wee
lads and lasses. But freedom, along with SARS, is what truly
separates us from the Canadians. It means that any of you, with
enough hard work and a little bit of luck, can succeed at the highest
levels of democracy to become the most powerful figure in the land.
The next American Idol.

With great power comes great responsibility. That goes for
Spider-Man, as well as the rest of America. It was in 2003 that we
took a group of downtrodden war-weary souls and freed them from their
oppressor. We kicked the Dixie Chicks out of country music.

Oh, and we freed the Iraqis. Never again will they fear the brutal
hand of a power-mad conqueror, who duped his own people while getting
him and his cronies obscenely rich behind closed doors. No, while we
savor our glorious siege of Baghdad, he'll long be remembered as a
zealot who defied global pressure to follow his own secret agenda,
while bowing to our own power-mad conqueror, who duped his own people
while getting him and his cronies obscenely rich behind closed doors.

And with that great power and great responsibility comes simple
greatness. What other country would liberate wretched masses and then
put their most wanted on playing cards? Not France or Germany. That
shows we're not just liberators -- but liberators with a sense of
whimsy.

But what does this have to do with you, graduates, who care little
for the world beyond the horizons of your SUVs? Hasn't your debt to
society already been paid in meaningless papers about Sino-American
relations and pop quizzes on cosine calculations?

We've coddled you for far too long. We liberate you now, Class of
2003. Fill our Social Security coffers with your meager wages. Get
out the non-vote. Complain, without taking any meaningful action. And
maintain the status quo for the sake of your children and your
children's children.

Go forth, multiply and show your work.

Thank you, congratulations and God bless you.









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RELATED WORKS
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5/15/02 - Class of 2002 marks history
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/wadeweekly/message/127

5/15/00 - It's up to Class of 2000 to settle cost of diploma
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/wadeweekly/message/21