--- In translatinghaiku@yahoogroups.com, "Grzegorz Sionkowski"
<gs@...> wrote:
>
> "lbolenyc" <lbolenyc@> wrote:
> >
> > Whoops! Missed this one:
> >
> > When I think of it
> > As my snow, how light it is
> > On my bamboo hat.
> >
> > --Buchanan
> >
> > Here are the translations into English so far (sorry if I missed
any):
> >
> > When I think it is my snow
> > On my hat,
> > It seems light.
> >
> > --Blyth
> >
> >
> > This snow is mine
> > thinking that way it seems lighter
> > on your sedge hat
> >
> > --Bourdaghs
> >
> >
> > "It's mine," I think . . .
> > and the snow seems lighter
> > on my straw hat.
> >
> > --Carter
> >
> >
> > if I think the snow mine
> > my hat
> > becomes light
> >
> > --Haldane
> >
> >
> > "My snow!"--when I think that,
> > it weighs almost nothing
> > on my umbrella-hat!
> >
> > --Henderson
> >
> >
> > "It's my snow"
> > I think
> > And the weight on my hat lightens
> >
> > --Kerr
> >
> >
> > Think it's your snow, and it's light on your hat
> >
> > --Sato
> >
> > _______________________________________________________
> >
> >
> > So, which one does everyone like best, or think is best?
> >
> > Larry
> >
>
> I am not sure, but IMHO, all of these translations loose
> the image (the shape) of a heap of snow on the hat
> (literally given by Kikaku as "top"), and they loose the proper
> subject (gramatical). The subject is IMHO neither the snow,
> nor the hat, but... the TOP of the hat - not only looking
> as a mountain top, but also additionally covered in snow as
> big mountains tops.
>
> >> Waga | yuki | to | omoeba | karushi | kasa-no | ue
> >> My | snow | thus | when-think | is-light | straw-hat's | top
>
> My first attempt at translation is:
>
> this snow is mine
> I think that and it's lighter --
> the top of my hat
>
> I know there is a lot of additional words, but all of them
> I have put just to show my intention.
>
> My intension is:
> - "it" corresponds rather to "the top" than to "the snow"
> - "the top of my hat" means here also "the top on my hat"
> - to obtain ~universal haiku - after a long walk, the shape
> of the snowy top doesn't depend on the shape of the hat
> - to obtain two part haiku, as in the oryginal. As I know,
> some adjectives play similar role as verbs in Japanese,
> so after "karushi" (is-light) I feel kireji.
>
> Is it a complete nonsense, or am I right a little bit?
>
> Best regards,
> Grzegorz

Grzegorz,

Gabi cleared up the syntactical meaning of the Japanese for this
haiku in message #155.

Even if we didn't know that this haiku is by Kikaku, it has always
struck me as being somewhat artifical and self-centered.

It makes me think of a slightly different 'take' on the 'snow on hat'
theme, written by Basho. Haruo Shirane, in his book "Traces of
Dreams: Landscape, Cultural Memory, and the Poetry of Basho," gives
two different versions of the following haiku (transliteration and
translations by Shirane):

ichibito | yo | kono | kasa | uroo | yuki | no | kasa
market-buyers | ! | this | hat | sell | snow | 's | hat

market-shoppers!
let me sell you this hat
full of snow

Shirane says:

"In a comic style reminiscent of the speech of a kyoogen (comic
drama) actor, the speaker offers to sell a hat piled with snow. Such
a hat is priceless to the poet, who prizes snow, a major object of
poetic beauty, but worthless to merchants dealing in material goods.
In a haikai-esque inversion, the useless becomes valuable."

This haiku appears in "The Records of a Weather-exposed Skeleton"
(1684). It was written in Nagoya, where Basho attended a snow-viewing
party.

Shirane, in a footnote, makes the following citation for an alternate
version:

"Oi nikki" (1695, edited by Shikoo) gives the following version.

At Hoogetsu's residence

ichibito ni to the market shoppers
ide kore uran I shall go and sell this:
kasa no yuki a hatful of snow


--Larry