--- In translatinghaiku@yahoogroups.com, "simple_sigh_man"
<dennis443@...> wrote:
>
> --- In translatinghaiku@yahoogroups.com, "Greve Gabi"
> <gokurakuatworldkigo@> wrote:
> >
> > >
> > > Hi Gabi san,
> > > I translated two of the haiku untranslated on your website.
> > >
> > > ·§ÄɤҤΰì¿Í¤Õ¤â¤È¤Ë¹½¤Øµï¤ê
> >
> > kuma oi no hitori fumoto ni kamaeori
> > >
> > > one bear hunter
> > > at the foot of the mountain
> > ? girding
> > ? making preparations
> > >
> > kamaeru ...
> > http://dic.yahoo.co.jp/dsearch?enc=UTF-8&p=%E3%81%8B%E3%81%BE%E3%
> 81%88%E3%82%8B&stype=0&dtype=3
> >
> > >
> > >
> > > ·§¤òÂÔ¤ÄÌë¤Î»³Ì®¤ÎÆÍü¤Ë
> >
> > kuma o matsu yoru no sanmyaku no tottan ni
> > >
> > >
> > waiting for a bear
> > at the edge of the mountain range
> > at night
> > >
> > >
> > > Keiko
> >
> > Thanks a lot, Keiko san,
> > dear all, please help us with the English ...
> >
> > And keep going this way, Keiko san ... onegai shimasu
> >
> > GABI
> >
> > http://wkdkigodatabase03.blogspot.com/2007/06/bear-kuma.html
> >
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
> Dear translators
>
> I might suggest:
>
> "makes ready" for the meaning of "kamaeori" in the first haiku.
>
> The English in the second poem has a slight repeat of the
> preposition "at". Perhaps:
>
> waiting for bear
> near the mountain range edge --
> at night
>
> Although, the orginal English is perfectly clear, I have suggested
a
> little more "flow" to the words, but, it is by no means the only
> solution.
>
> ´¶¼Õ
>
> ÃÎÈþ
>

Thanks very much, chibi san, for your revisions!

I've also been thinking of "poised" for the meaning of "kamaeori",
but maybe it's more of telling than showing...? So your revision
seems appropriate.

I fully agree with your revisions of the second haiku smoothening
the flow effectively.

Thank you again for your help. I so appreciate your input.

Bow,
Keiko