DO NOT respond to the group or to me.

Please respond to francine@...

DOCUMENTARY - MARRIED TO SOMEONE WITH A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER?

I am a UK filmmaker developing a documentary about what it is like to live
with someone with NPD.  As a filmmaker I am interested in what holds
relationships together and what motivates people.  Marriage can be hard work
anyway, but I imagine that living with someone with NPD brings its own
problems.  What is it like?  How do you cope?  Have you ever thought about
leaving? Are you leaving? Are there additional worries?  What about
children?

I am interested in talking/emailing anyone who is living with this first
hand, or from their partners.  It would be good to hear from you, whether
you would like to take part in the film or not (there is no obligation
attached to contacting me) as this would be really helpful in presenting an
accurate documentary about this issue.

Please email me at francine@..., or if you prefer to call I'm
on 0207 251 7679.

With many thanks, best wishes,
Francine Shaw
Windfall Films

Hi, guys,

Hope you find these of both interest and help:

Abusive Relationships NEWSLETTER ARCHIVES

Complete Archive

http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List (Parts 15 and 16) -
  Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 82

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4267

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List (Parts 13 and 14) -
  Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 81

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4249

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List (Parts 11 and 12) -
  Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 80

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4238

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List (Parts 9 and 10) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 79

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4226

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List (Parts 7 and 8) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 78

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4213

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List (Parts 5 and 6) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 77

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4200
Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List (Parts 3 and 4) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 76

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4187

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List (Parts 1 and 2) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 75

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4173

Loss of Control of Grandiosity - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 74

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4160

Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 73
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4143


Narcissistic Accumulation and Narcissistic Regulation - Abusive
Relationships Newsletter - Number 72

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4101

The Concept of Narcissistic Supply - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 71

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4088

The Narcissist and the Opposite Sex - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 70

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4073
The Workings of a Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 69

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4060
Being Special - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 68

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4047

The Soul of the Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 67

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4032

Can the Narcissist Help Himself? - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
  Number 66

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4007
Should You Get the Police Involved? - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 65

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3990
Domestic Violence Shelters - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 64

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3972

The Effects of Abuse - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 63
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3960

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part XII) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 62

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3948

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part XI) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 61

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3931

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part X) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 60

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3912

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part IX) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 59

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3891

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part VIII) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 58

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3881

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part VII) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 57

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3862

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part VI) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 56

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3843

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part V) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 55

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3826

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part IV) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 54

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3810

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part III) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 53
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3791

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part II) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 52

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3778

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part I) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 51
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3765

Narcissism in the Media (Part IV) - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 50

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3749

Narcissism in the Media (Part III) - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 49

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3735

Narcissism in the Media (Part II) - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 48

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3718

Narcissism in the Media (Part I) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
  Number 47

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3693

Help in Coping with Abuse and Stalking - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 46

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3679

The Narcissistic Couple - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number
45

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3667

Narcissistic Rage and Anger - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 44

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3655

Idealization Devaluation and Narcissistic Space - Abusive
Relationships Newsletter - Number 43

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3642

Narcissistic Parents - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 42

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3629

Myths of Narcissism - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 41

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3609

Narcissists Hate Women and Children - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 40

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3594

The Narcissist and the Internet - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 39

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3574

Are Narcissists Evil? - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 38

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3558

Manual of Coping with Stalkers - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 37

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3540

Narcissists and Sexual Deviations - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 36

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3520
Narcissistic Leaders and Bosses - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 35

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3507

Female Narcissists - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 34

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3489

Divorcing the Narcissist/Psychopath - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 33

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3469

The Narcissist's Charm and Aggression - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 32

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3450

Homosexual and Transsexual Narcissists - Number 31

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3438

When Victims Become Narcissists - Number 30

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3424

Codependence and Counterdependence - Number 29

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3405

Closure and Letting Go - Number 28

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3384

Introspection and Self-Awareness - Number 27

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3366

The Narcissist's False self - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 26

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3343

Fame, Celebrity, and Narcissism - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 25

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3333

Narcissism, Medication, and Addiction - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - 24

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3322

The Adolescent Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 23

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3302

Narcissists and Emotions - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number
22

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3289

Stalking and Stalkers - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 21

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3270

Narcissists Have No Friends - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 20

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3251

The Malignant Optimism of the Abused - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - 19

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3235

False Modesty and Feigned Altruism - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - No. 18

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3221

Narcissism Chat Transcript - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - No.
17

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3202

Mental Health Today Chat Transcript - Number 16

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3351

Violent Narcissists - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 15

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3173

How To Make the System Work for You - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 14

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3149

The System Against the Victims - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 13

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3134

Narcissists Sex and Fidelity - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 12

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3118

Narcissists and God - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 11

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3101

Narcissism in the Boardroom - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 10

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3089

Can Narcissism Be Cured? - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number
9

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3072

The Victims of the Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 8

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3057

Substance Abuse, Reckless Behaviors and the Narcissist - Newsletter
Number 7

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3037

The Midlife Crisis and Old Age of the Narcissist - Newsletter Number
6

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3024

Divorce and Custody - Working the System - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 5

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3006

Narcissism, Asperger's and Bipolar Disorder - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter 4

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/2994

How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 3

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/2988

Custody - Leveraging the Children - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 2

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/2964

Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Issue Number 1

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/2946

DIALOGS

NEW dialogs about pathological narcissism, the malignant narcissist,
and his effects on his victims at home, at work, and elsewhere:

Terrorism as a Psychodynamic Phenomenon

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/terrorism.html

Stephen McDonnell and Sam Vaknin

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues2.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues3.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues4.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues5.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues6.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues7.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues8.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues9.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues10.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues11.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues12.html

Or here:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues2.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues3.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues4.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues5.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues6.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues7.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues8.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues9.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues10.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues11.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues12.html

Weekly Case Studies

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/drvakninsweekly
casestudies.msnw

CHAT TRANSCRIPTS and INTERVIEWS

Celebrities Want to Be Alone - Or Do They?

http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/life/20041130/d_bottomstrip30.ar
t.htm

Mirror, Mirror ... (Toronto Sun)

http://www.canoe.ca/NewsStand/TorontoSun/Lifestyle/2004/08/30/608650.
html

The Infinite Mind Radio Show - Narcissism

http://www.lcmedia.com/mind333.htm

Articles and interviews in the media

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10621

New Narc City (New York Press)

http://www.nypress.com/16/7/news&columns/feature.cfm

Radio Show regarding Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

http://www.healthyplace.com/Radio/archives/audio_narcissism_02-10-
12.htm

Read the transcript of the CHAT with Sam Vaknin in HealthyPlace -
click on this link:

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/Site/Tr
anscripts/narcissism.htm

Read the transcript of the CHAT with Sam Vaknin regarding abusive
narcissists - click on this link:

http://healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/site/Transc
ripts/abusive_narcissists.htm

Read the transcript of the CHAT with Sam Vaknin regarding
narcissists in the Workplace- click on this link:

http://healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/site/Transc
ripts/narcissism_workplace.htm

Read the transcript of the WebMD CHAT with Sam Vaknin - click on
this link:

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/71/81306.htm

Read the transcript of the Mental Health Today CHAT with Sam Vaknin -
  click on this link:

http://www.mental-health-today.com/narcissistic/transcripts.htm

Download all chat transcripts and interviews here:

http://www.suite101.com/files/topics/6514/files/NPDBibliography.zip

Read an extended INTERVIEW with Sam Vaknin in Natterbox - HERE:

http://www.natterbox.com/vaknin/vaknin1.html

Listen to an AUDIO INTERVIEW with Sam Vaknin - HERE:

http://www.ladybuglive.com/acl.htm

Listen to "Psychopaths in Suits" on Australia's ABC Radio

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/mod/bbing_18072004_2856.ram

Or read the transcript here:

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/stories/s1158704.htm

Interview in "The Idler" - "Narcissism, Group Behaviour, and
Terrorism" - click on this link:

http://www.the-idler.com/IDLER-01/12-20.html

Oprah Show

http://www2.oprah.com/tows/slide/200602/20060213/slide_20060213_284_205.jhtml

Save for later reference! Forward to interested parties and relevant
discussion and mailing groups!

How to Cope with Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily20.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/4.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal56.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal68.html

Strategies for Coping with Abusers (General)

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse17.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse19.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse20.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21a.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21b.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse12.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse13.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse6.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily13.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily6.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily8.html

Working with the System and with Professionals

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily11.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily12.html

How to Cope with Stalkers and Paranoids

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse18.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse15.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily14.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily17.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily18.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse18.html

ABUSE in RELATIONSHIPS RESOURCES

ARTICLES

What is Abuse? The various faces of abusive behavior and coping methods.

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse.html

Spousal and Domestic Abuse advice

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily.html

Abusive Relationships Newsletter Archive

http://groups-beta.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse

"Traumatic Bonding" and the Psychology of Torture

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/torturepsychology.html

The cultural and social dimensions of traumas - Traumas as Social
Interactions:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/trauma.html

The narcissist and his family - The malignant narcissist abuses his family

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq22.html

The narcissist in the workplace - abuse and bullying in corporate settings

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq81.html

Articles about verbal, emotional, and spousal abuse, domestic violence, and
workplace bullying

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/9128/12848

WEB SITES and COMMUNITIES

Domestic Violence FAQs

http://www.suite101.com/topic_page.cfm/6514/2051

FAQs regarding abusive relationships and the psychodynamics of abusers.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd

Discussions, journal entries and links regarding the Narcissistic
Personality Disorder and relationships with abusive narcissists.

Emotional and Verbal Abuse

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse

Discussions, journal entries and links regarding verbal and emotional abuse
in relationships.

Spousal Abuse and Domestic Violence

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/spousal_domestic_abuse

Discussions, journal entries and links regarding domestic violence and
spousal abuse.

Open Site Family Violence

http://open-site.org/Society/Issues/Violence_and_Abuse/Family_Violence/

Abusive Relationships FAQs

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/indexqa.html

FAQs, articles, chat transcripts and resources regarding relationships with
abusers

More Abusive Relationships FAQs

http://www.faqfarm.com/Love/Abusive/

Corporate Narcissism

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10621 (New York Times)

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/corporatenarcissism.html (United Press
International)

http://www.nypress.com/16/7/news&columns/feature.cfm (New York Press)

CHAT TRANSCRIPTS and INTERVIEWS

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/Site/Transcripts/n\
arcissism.htm

http://healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/site/Transcripts/abusi\
ve_narcissists.htm

http://healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/site/Transcripts/narci\
ssism_workplace.htm

http://www.mental-health-today.com/narcissistic/transcripts.htm

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/71/81306.htm

http://www.healthyplace.com/Radio/archives/audio_narcissism_02-10-12.htm

http://www.natterbox.com/vaknin/vaknin1.html

Mirror, Mirror ... (Toronto Sun)

http://www.canoe.ca/NewsStand/TorontoSun/Lifestyle/2004/08/30/608650.html

The Infinite Mind Radio Show - Narcissism

http://www.lcmedia.com/mind290.htm

Listen to "Psychopaths in Suits" on Australia's ABC Radio

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/mod/bbing_18072004_2856.ram

Or read the transcript here:

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/stories/s1158704.htm

Thank you again and take care.

Sam

From another list - Courtesy of g.

Comedians' Best Lines, (1997)

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll
never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I
don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' --Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend
in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick
Cavett

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm
sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the
word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

Coping with Your Abuser

First published on Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

Malignant Self Love - Buy the Book - Click HERE!!!

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists - Buy the e-Books - Click HERE!!!

READ THIS: Scroll down to review a complete list of the articles - Click on the blue-coloured text!
Bookmark this Page - and SHARE IT with Others!

Also Read:

"Trauma Bonding" and the Psychology of Torture

Traumas as Social Interactions

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence

Verbal and Emotional Abuse - Articles Menu

Case Studies in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder List - Click HERE!

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group - Part I

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group - Part II

Domestic Violence and Abuse statistics - Click here

How to cope with your abuser?

Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers are ruthless, immoral, sadistic, calculated, cunning, persuasive, deceitful - in short, they appear to be invincible. They easily sway the system in their favor.

Here is a list of escalating countermeasures. They represent the distilled experience of thousands of victims of abuse. They may help you cope with abuse and overcome it.

Not included are legal or medical steps. Consult an attorney, an accountant, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, where appropriate.

First, you must decide:

Do you want to stay with him - or terminate the relationship?

If you want to leave him and your children are above the age of 18 – Click HERE

If you have Children with Him (under the age of 18) – Click HERE

1. I want to Stay with Him

FIVE DON'T DO'S – How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist 

• Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;

• Never offer him any intimacy;

• Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);

• Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;

• Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.

The TEN DO'S – How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You If you INSIST on Staying with Him 

• Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.

• Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future Sources of Primary Narcissistic Supply for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you.

• Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace.

• Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.

• Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion". Treat your narcissist as you would a child.

• If your narcissist is cerebral and not interested in having much sex – then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.

• If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. If you do mind – leave him. Somatic narcissists are sex addicts and incurably unfaithful.

• If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can fix the narcissist – it simply will not happen.

• If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.

• Finally, and most important of all: Know Yourself.
  What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
  Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.
  Define the things that you find harmful to you. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself.  Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who he is. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviors that affect you – but this can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.

(1a) Insist on Your Boundaries – Resist Abuse

• Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.

• Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.

• If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

• Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

• If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

• Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

• Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.

• Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.

• Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.

• Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.

• Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.

• Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.

• Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

• Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.

• Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

(1b) Mirror His Behavior

Mirror the narcissist’s actions and repeat his words.

If, for instance, he is having a rage attack – rage back. If he threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house – leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious – act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level.

(1c) Frighten Him

Identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them.

If a narcissist has a secret or something he wishes to conceal – use your knowledge of it to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. Do it cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner.

Let his imagination do the rest. You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events.

Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way – they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.

(1d) Lure Him

Offer him continued Narcissistic Supply. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).

(1e) Play on His Fear of Abandonment

If nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon him.

You can condition the threat ("If you don't do something or if you do it – I will desert you").

The narcissists perceives the following as threats of abandonment, even if they are not meant as such:

• Confrontation, fundamental disagreement, and protracted criticism
• When completely ignored
• When you insist on respect for your boundaries, needs, emotions, choices, preferences
• When you retaliate (for instance, shout back at him).

2. I can't Take It Any Longer - I Have Decided to Leave Him

(2a) Fight Him in Court

Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating, especially in a court of law, for instance during a deposition:

• Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party. Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.

• The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.

• The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement. Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.

• Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment, that his needs are not everyone's priority, that he is boring, that his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that he is subject to court procedures, etc. – and the narcissist will lose control.

• Contradict, expose, humiliate, and berate the narcissist ("You are not as intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "So, you have no formal education", "you are (mistake his age, make him much older) ... sorry, you are ... old", "What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?", "Would your children share your view that you are a good father?", "You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a cleaning lady (in demeaning disbelief)".

• Be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information.

(2b) If You Have Common Children

(2c) Refuse All Contact

• Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.

• Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings – but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.

• But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts – decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.

• Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.

• Return all gifts he sends you.

• Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.

• Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.

• Do not answer his letters.

• Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.

• Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.

• Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.

• Do not discuss him with your children.

• Do not gossip about him.

• Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

• When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs – or his.

• Relegate any inevitable contact with him – when and where possible – to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.

How to avoid contact is the subject of the next article.

Continue ...

RESOURCES

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Psychological and Verbal Abuse Resources

Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence on Suite101

Copyright Notice

This material is copyrighted. Free, unrestricted use is allowed on a non commercial basis.
The author's name and a link to this Website must be incorporated in any reproduction of the material for any use and by any means.

Additional Q&A's

Go Back to Home Page!

Journal Entries

Frequently Asked Questions about Pathological Narcissism

Excerpts from the Archive of the Narcissism List

The Narcissism List Home Page

Philosophical Musings

After the Rain - How the West Lost the East

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Suite101

Internet: A Medium or a Message?

Write to me: palma@...  or narcissisticabuse-owner@yahoogroups.com

Partner violence common among suicidal inpatients

Investigating the prevalence of intimate partner violence in psychiatric
patients showing suicidal behavior.

http://click2.psychiatrymatters.md/UM/T.asp?A12.106.29364.6.150804

ABUSE in RELATIONSHIPS RESOURCES

ARTICLES

What is Abuse? The various faces of abusive behavior and coping methods.

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse.html

Spousal and Domestic Abuse advice

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily.html

Abusive Relationships Newsletter Archive

http://groups-beta.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse

"Traumatic Bonding" and the Psychology of Torture

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/torturepsychology.html

The cultural and social dimensions of traumas - Traumas as Social
Interactions:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/trauma.html

The narcissist and his family - The malignant narcissist abuses his family

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq22.html

The narcissist in the workplace - abuse and bullying in corporate settings

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq81.html

Articles about verbal, emotional, and spousal abuse, domestic violence, and
workplace bullying

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/9128/12848

WEB SITES and COMMUNITIES

Domestic Violence FAQs

http://www.suite101.com/topic_page.cfm/6514/2051

FAQs regarding abusive relationships and the psychodynamics of abusers.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd

Discussions, journal entries and links regarding the Narcissistic
Personality Disorder and relationships with abusive narcissists.

Emotional and Verbal Abuse

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse

Discussions, journal entries and links regarding verbal and emotional abuse
in relationships.

Spousal Abuse and Domestic Violence

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/spousal_domestic_abuse

Discussions, journal entries and links regarding domestic violence and
spousal abuse.

Open Site Family Violence

http://open-site.org/Society/Issues/Violence_and_Abuse/Family_Violence/

Abusive Relationships FAQs

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/indexqa.html

FAQs, articles, chat transcripts and resources regarding relationships with
abusers

More Abusive Relationships FAQs

http://www.faqfarm.com/Love/Abusive/

Corporate Narcissism

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10621 (New York Times)

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/corporatenarcissism.html (United Press
International)

http://www.nypress.com/16/7/news&columns/feature.cfm (New York Press)

CHAT TRANSCRIPTS and INTERVIEWS

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/Site/Transcripts/n\
arcissism.htm

http://healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/site/Transcripts/abusi\
ve_narcissists.htm

http://healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/site/Transcripts/narci\
ssism_workplace.htm

http://www.mental-health-today.com/narcissistic/transcripts.htm

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/71/81306.htm

http://www.healthyplace.com/Radio/archives/audio_narcissism_02-10-12.htm

http://www.natterbox.com/vaknin/vaknin1.html

Mirror, Mirror ... (Toronto Sun)

http://www.canoe.ca/NewsStand/TorontoSun/Lifestyle/2004/08/30/608650.html

The Infinite Mind Radio Show - Narcissism

http://www.lcmedia.com/mind290.htm

Listen to "Psychopaths in Suits" on Australia's ABC Radio

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/mod/bbing_18072004_2856.ram

Or read the transcript here:

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/stories/s1158704.htm

Sam Vaknin just released the NOVEMBER 2005 EDITION of the sixth ebook in the
"Malignant Self Love" series of print and electronic books.

It is titled "Toxic Relationships - Abuse and its Aftermath" and deals with
how to identify abuse, cope with it, survive it, and deal with your abuser.

Buy it here:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ABUSE

Articles about abusive relationships are available here:

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily.html

==================================================

CLICK ON THESE LINKS TO PURCHASE THE PRINT BOOK and SIX E-BOOKS

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10182

http://samvak.tripod.com/thebook.html

==================================================
Please FORWARD this message to interested parties and relevant discussion
lists and groups
===================================================

====================================
Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP?

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

Click on these links to purchase the PRINT BOOK and SIX E-BOOKS:

I. "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" (January 2005)

PRINT EDITION

From Barnes and Noble (sixth edition)

http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847

From the Publisher (fifth edition with bonus pack)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL

ELECTRONIC BOOK (computer file)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL-EBOOK

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited (PRINT EDITION) is now available
from AMAZON CANADA- click on this link:

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-/8023833847/new/

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited (PRINT EDITION) is now available
from AMAZON.COM - click on this link:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/8023833847/

"The Narcissism Series" (November 2005)

Six e-books regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive
narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES

You can also purchase the books comprising the Narcissism Series separately:

I. NEW!!! "Toxic Relationships - Abuse and its Aftermath" (November 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ABUSE

II. "Pathological Narcissism FAQs" (January 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FAQS

III. "The World of the Narcissist" (January 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ESSAY

IV. "Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List"

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_EXCERPTS

V. "Diary of a Narcissist" (November 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_JOURNAL

Malignant Self Love, Toxic Relationships - and MORE!!!

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10182

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

Free excerpts from the book are available here:

http://www.suite101.com/files/topics/6514/files/MSL2excerpts.rtf

The Narcissism Book of Quotes is available for free download here:

http://www.suite101.com/files/topics/6514/files/NPDQuotes.rtf

Take care there.

Sam

Abuse By Proxy

First published on Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

Malignant Self Love - Buy the Book - Click HERE!!!

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists - Buy the e-Books - Click HERE!!!

READ THIS: Scroll down to review a complete list of the articles - Click on the blue-coloured text!
Bookmark this Page - and SHARE IT with Others!

Also Read:

How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

"Trauma Bonding" and the Psychology of Torture

Traumas as Social Interactions

Coping with Your Abuser

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence

Verbal and Emotional Abuse - Articles Menu

Case Studies in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder List - Click HERE!

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group - Part I

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group - Part II

Domestic Violence and Abuse statistics - Click here

If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

One form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.

Abusers often use other people to do their dirty work for them. These - sometimes unwitting - accomplices belong to three groups:

I. The abuser's social milieu

Some offenders - mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies – co-opt other family members, friends, and colleagues into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct. In extreme cases, the victim is held "hostage" - isolated and with little or no access to funds or transportation. Often, the couple's children are used as bargaining chips or leverage. Ambient abuse by the abuser's clan, kin, kith, and village or neighborhood is rampant.

II. The victim's social milieu

Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties – it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.

III. The System

The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children.

Forms of Abuse by Proxy

Socially isolating and excluding the victim by discrediting her through a campaign of malicious rumors.

Harassing the victim by using others to stalk her or by charging her with offenses she did not commit.

Provoking the victim into aggressive or even antisocial conduct by having others threaten her or her loved ones.

Colluding with others to render the victim dependent on the abuser.

But, by far, her children are the abuser's greatest source of leverage over his abused spouse or mate.

This is the subject of the next article.

Continue ...

RESOURCES

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Psychological and Verbal Abuse Resources

Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence on Suite101

Copyright Notice

This material is copyrighted. Free, unrestricted use is allowed on a non commercial basis.
The author's name and a link to this Website must be incorporated in any reproduction of the material for any use and by any means.

Additional Q&A's

Go Back to Home Page!

Journal Entries

Frequently Asked Questions about Pathological Narcissism

Excerpts from the Archive of the Narcissism List

The Narcissism List Home Page

Philosophical Musings

After the Rain - How the West Lost the East

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Suite101

Internet: A Medium or a Message?

Write to me: palma@...  or abusericabuse-owner@yahoogroups.com

Download files regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and
Abusive Relationships

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/files

Links to Therapist Directories, Psychological Tests, NPD Resources, Support
Groups for narcissists and their victims, and Tutorials

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/links

http://www.suite101.com/links.cfm/npd

Serbia tackles issue of violence against women

http://www.setimes.com/cocoon/setimes/xhtml/en_GB/features/setimes/features/2006\
/01/26/feature-03

The adoption in 2005 of a law enabling restraining orders to be issued
against abusive spouses was widely heralded as a significant step in
reducing domestic violence in Serbia. However, some say the results have
been disappointing.

Ambient Abuse

First published on Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

Malignant Self Love - Buy the Book - Click HERE!!!

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists - Buy the e-Books - Click HERE!!!

READ THIS: Scroll down to review a complete list of the articles - Click on the blue-coloured text!
Bookmark this Page - and SHARE IT with Others!

Also Read:

How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

"Trauma Bonding" and the Psychology of Torture

Traumas as Social Interactions

Coping with Your Abuser

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence

Verbal and Emotional Abuse - Articles Menu

Case Studies in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder List - Click HERE!

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group - Part I

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group - Part II

Domestic Violence and Abuse statistics - Click here

Ambient abuse is the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves, until it is too late. Ambient abuse penetrates and permeates everything – but is difficult to pinpoint and identify. It is ambiguous, atmospheric, diffuse. Hence its insidious and pernicious effects. It is by far the most dangerous kind of abuse there is.

It is the outcome of fear – fear of violence, fear of the unknown, fear of the unpredictable, the capricious, and the arbitrary. It is perpetrated by dropping subtle hints, by disorienting, by constant – and unnecessary – lying, by persistent doubting and demeaning, and by inspiring an air of unmitigated gloom and doom ("gaslighting").

Ambient abuse, therefore, is the fostering, propagation, and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen.

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser – the suffering soul.

There are five categories of ambient abuse and they are often combined in the conduct of a single abuser:

I. Inducing Disorientation

The abuser causes the victim to lose faith in her ability to manage and to cope with the world and its demands. She no longer trusts her senses, her skills, her strengths, her friends, her family, and the predictability and benevolence of her environment.

The abuser subverts the target's focus by disagreeing with her way of perceiving the world, her judgment, the facts of her existence, by criticizing her incessantly – and by offering plausible but specious alternatives. By constantly lying, he blurs the line between reality and nightmare.

By recurrently disapproving of her choices and actions – the abuser shreds the victim's self-confidence and shatters her self-esteem. By reacting disproportionately to the slightest "mistake" – he intimidates her to the point of paralysis.

II. Incapacitating

The abuser gradually and surreptitiously takes over functions and chores previously adequately and skilfully performed by the victim. The prey finds itself isolated from the outer world, a hostage to the goodwill – or, more often, ill-will – of her captor. She is crippled by his encroachment and by the inexorable dissolution of her boundaries and ends up totally dependent on her tormentor's whims and desires, plans and stratagems.

Moreover, the abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

III. Shared Psychosis (folie a deux)

The abuser creates a fantasy world, inhabited by the victim and himself, and besieged by imaginary enemies. He allocates to the abused the role of defending this invented and unreal Universe. She must swear to secrecy, stand by her abuser no matter what, lie, fight, pretend, obfuscate and do whatever else it takes to preserve this oasis of inanity.

Her membership in the abuser's "kingdom" is cast as a privilege and a prize. But it is not to be taken for granted. She has to work hard to earn her continued affiliation. She is constantly being tested and evaluated. Inevitably, this interminable stress reduces the victim's resistance and her ability to "see straight".

IV. Abuse of Information

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim – the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleans, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

V. Control by Proxy

If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.

This is the subject of the next article.

Continue ...

RESOURCES

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Psychological and Verbal Abuse Resources

Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence on Suite101

Copyright Notice

This material is copyrighted. Free, unrestricted use is allowed on a non commercial basis.
The author's name and a link to this Website must be incorporated in any reproduction of the material for any use and by any means.

Additional Q&A's

Go Back to Home Page!

Journal Entries

Frequently Asked Questions about Pathological Narcissism

Excerpts from the Archive of the Narcissism List

The Narcissism List Home Page

Philosophical Musings

After the Rain - How the West Lost the East

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Suite101

Internet: A Medium or a Message?

Write to me: palma@...  or abusericabuse-owner@yahoogroups.com

Personal Note from Sam Vaknin

Tim has written to me in 1998 and suggested we exchange our respective tomes
(I just published "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"). It was
typical of Tim to implicitly equate himself - an established authority -
with a novice in the field of mental health and bullying.

We continued to correspond throughout the years on matters both personal and
professional. In his unassuming way, he proved to be a generous and reliable
fount of strength, courage, and knowledge.

I interviwed Tim for United Press International (UPI). You can read the
interview here:

http://samvak.tripod.com/pp114.html

With great sadness.

Sam

==================================
Tim Field, pioneering world authority against bullying and died on January
15, aged 53, following diagnosis of cancer late last year.

Tim was born on April 24, 1952 in Eastbourne. He graduated from
Staffordshire University in 1975 with a First Class Honours degree in
computing science, after which he spent nearly twenty years at the forefront
of computing in programming and systems support and development. He
specialised in designing and delivering training programmes for users with
little or no knowledge of computing and became a regular speaker at user
group conferences around the world, including UK, Switzerland, Sweden,
Australia and USA. During this time, his life was irrevocably changed when
he personally experienced workplace bullying in 1994.

After recovering from a stress breakdown, Tim became passionate about
identifying, understanding and dealing with workplace bullying and became a
self-taught and recognized authority. His dream was of a bully-free world.

Tim set up the innovative UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line in
1996, and then established the world’s most extensive and widely used
information website, Success Unlimited (later ‘Bully Online’). He published
the regular Bullying Times electronic magazine that reached thousands of
readers and formed his own publishing house where he published Bully in
Sight in December 1996. Tens of thousands of copies have been sold in thirty
countries and the title has become Amazon’s highest–selling book on the
subject. In January 1998 Tim type-set and published David Kinchin's Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder: The Invisible Injury; with revised editions in
September 2001 and October 2004. In January 2001 he co-authored and
published (with Neil Marr) Bullycide: Death at Playtime, an exposé of child
suicide caused by bullying. He also wrote countless articles and training
programmes and regularly featured radio and TV.

Tim kept up an exhausting lecturing and conference schedule throughout the
world, speaking about bullying to groups including educationalists, police,
medics and prison officers. His clients included thousands of individuals
from every walk of life as well as institutions such as the BBC, trade
unions, local authorities and other public bodies. He worked personally on
over 5,000 bullying cases. This casework highlighted the lack of support and
understanding for the victims of workplace bullying displayed by many
organisations. He revealed patterns in how Trade Unions often failed to give
effective representation to their members.

Tim believed that bullying was the single most important social issue of
today – costing industry billions a year in lost work hours and society an
inestimable loss in ruined lives – and that intensive study could
providedinsight into the behaviours which underlie conflict and violence.
His work
inspired and influenced anti-bullying organizations all over the world,
while his personal energy, commitment and knowledge restored sanity and
saved lives. In recent weeks, many of those he helped and whose lives he
touched have recorded their gratitude.

Tim was well-known for his aphorisms. These included: “the adult bully is
often charming, verbally confident and can be adept at using language to
make his or her actions seem plausible”; and “good leaders and managers
include, motivate, trust and empower people; bad managers and bullies
exclude, disempower, control and undermine.”

He was deeply committed to development of self-esteem and positive ways of
living and acknowledged a spiritual quality in his own life that assisted
him greatly in times of enormous stress and hard work, especially through
his own illness. Always a gentle and unassuming man, it would have been
impossible for his close family and friends to have predicted the change of
career direction that became his vocation and resulted in his phenomenal
contribution to this poorly acknowledged area of abuse.

Tim received two honorary doctorates for his contribution to society, and
for his considerable effort on initiatives to stamp out bullying.

His selfless work for the well being of others will never be forgotten and
will live on in the continuation of his websites, the Field Foundation, his
published works and those individuals and groups he inspired.

Tim’s passion for life was infectious and his interests wide ranging. Most
notably, he was an accomplished pianist, scholar and author. The fun-loving
side of his character was expressed as a popular karaoke singer,
science-fiction enthusiast and devout *Trekkie*, travelling to the USA last
year for a Star Trek convention.

In the coming year, Tim had intended to focus his energies on writing and
publishing his next book (on serial bullies and psychopaths) and complete a
co-authored film script, ‘Pure Poison’.

In the last few weeks of his life, he was able to spend time with his family
and friends. He said that his most profoundly happy experiences had been
travelling the world with his wife Susan, after they met at university; and
the birth of their two children, Michael (16) and Fiona (12). Tim died with
his immediate family present. He leaves a sister Rosemary, a large extended
family – and a body of achievement and work that will inspire generations to
come.

Jennie & Phil Chesterton, Will Messenger, Keith Munday and Helen Reed, with
material from David Hinton and Neil Marr


***Please find attached the directions for Monday, for those attending Tim's
funeral

The family will meet at the Chapel of Rest at approximately 2.45 to have a
quiet moment of reflection and to allow the children a final chance to say
goodbye

The next section of the day will commence at 3.30pm at Burnley Crematorium,
and all who knew Tim are welcome to attend. This is  followed by an
invitation to join Tim's family for a drink and some light refreshments at
St Mary's Chambers in Rawtenstall (Michael & Fiona's home town)

  Hopefully this will allow us all to share our own memories of Tim. It is
also an opportunity for anyone who would like to say a few words about Tim,
do so.  All the family ask is, that no longer than 10 minutes are spent on
speeches and that Susan, Michael & Fiona have some previous indication of
any speakers

It would also be greatly appreciated if anyone hoping to attend could let us
know by Wednesday evening if possible, for catering purposes

It is requested that flowers are from family only, but that donations to
Rossendale Hospice, in memory of Tim would be gratefully receieved. We hope
to raise £1000 for the hospice, as this will provide Hospice at Home Care
for one patient. It will also allow us to have a Gold Leaf on the "Giving
Tree" in Tim's name

At a later date, Tim's remains will be planted under an English Oak Tree in
the 'Life for a Life' Project, in a beautifully designated area overlooking
the Rossendale Valley

All the above details meet exactly with Tim's own requests - he even chose
the music he would like played, in conjunction with his children Michael &
Fiona

Perhaps we could depend on you to forward on this e mail to anyone you feel
would be interested?

Kindest Regards
Jean Smith (Susan Field's sister)
PS - Funeral Director: Fred Hamer Funeral Services, James Street,
Rawtenstall, Rossendale, Lancs - for any donations, or for anyone wishing to
visit Tim prior to the family arriving at the Crematorium

Tim Field – The Gentle Man Who Battled The Bullies

  (24.4.1952 – 15.1.2006)

Hi, everyone,

Victims of domestic violence (battering), spousal abuse, emotional, verbal,
psychological, and financial abuse - hope you find these new tip sheets
useful:

What is Abuse?

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse.html

I. The Gradations of Abuse

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse1.html

II. The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse2.html

III. Coping with Your Abuser

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse3.html

IV. The Abuser in Denial

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse4.html

V. Avoiding Your Abuser - The Submissive Posture

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse5.html

VI. Avoiding Your Abuser - The Conflictive Posture

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse6.html

VII. The Tocsins of Abuse - How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse7.html

VIII. The Tocsins of Abuse - The Abuser's Body Language

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse8.html

IX. The Path to Abuse

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse9.html

X. Ambient Abuse

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse10.html

XI. Abuse by Proxy

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse11.html

XII. Leveraging the Children

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse12.html

XIII. Tell Your Children the Truth

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse13.html

XIV. The Relief of Being Abandoned

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse14.html

XV. How to Cope with Your Paranoid Ex

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse15.html

XVI. Avoiding Your Paranoid Ex

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse16.html

XVII. The Three Forms of Closure

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse17.html

XVIII. Coping with Stalking and Stalkers

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse18.html

XIX. Getting Help

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse19.html

XX. Domestic Violence Shelters

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse20.html

XXI. Planning and Executing Your Getaway

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse21.html

XXIa. Should You Get the Police Involved?

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse21a.html

XXIb. Should You Get the Courts Involved?

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse21b.html

Danse Macabre - The Dynamics of Intimate Partner Abuse

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily.html

II. The Mind of the Abuser

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily2.html

III. Condoning Abuse

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily3.html

IV. The Anomaly of Abuse

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily4.html

V. Reconditioning the Abuser

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily5.html

VI. Reforming the Abuser

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily6.html

VII. Contracting with Your Abuser

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily7.html

VIII. Your Abuser in Therapy

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily8.html

IX. Testing the Abuser

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily9.html

X. Conning the System

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html

XI. Befriending the System

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily11.html

XII. Working with Professionals

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily12.html

XIII. Interacting with Your Abuser

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily13.html

XIV. Coping with Your Stalker

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily14.html

XV. Statistics of Abuse and Stalking

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily15.html

XVI. The Stalker as Antisocial Bully

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily16.html

XVII.  Coping with Various Types of Stalkers

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily17.html

XVIII. The Erotomanic Stalker

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily18.html

XIX. The Narcissistic Stalker

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html

XX. The Psychopathic (Antisocial) Stalker

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily20.html

XXI. How Victims are Affected by Abuse

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily21.html

XXII. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily22.html

XXIII. Recovery and Healing from Trauma and Abuse

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily23.html

XXIV. The Conflicts of Therapy

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily24.html

Take care,

Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

Please do not reply to this message. If you wish to participate in
the documentary, write to Barbara ( barbara@... ),
not to me and not to the group.

Dear members,

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of "Malignant Self Love -
Narcissism Revisited" (click on the link to learn more):

http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847

And the moderator of this and other mental health groups and
discussion forums (see details at the end of my message).

I have been invited to participate in a documentary about
pathological narcissism and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD).

The documentary has been commissioned from Firecracker Films by
Channel Four (in the United Kingdom).

The producers of the documentary, Monika and Barbara, are looking to
interview people diagnosed with NPD (narcissists) and family members
or colleagues of narcissists

If you are interested, kindly get in touch with:

BARBARA LEE
Series Producer
Firecracker Films
52-53 Margaret Street.
London, W1W 8SQ
United Kingdom
Phone: 20 7637 9300
Fax: 20 7637 9301

Her e-mail address is:

barbara@...

Please do not reply to this message. If you wish to participate in
the documentary, write to Barbara ( barbara@... ),
not to me and not to the group.

Have a great, safe, and sunny New Year.

Sam

Toxic Relationships Study Group

To subscribe - send a blank message to:

toxicrelationships-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Or use the form here:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships

Archive of messages and articles - click on this link:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships/messages

Links to resources about abusive relationships

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships/links

The Narcissistic Abuse Study List

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse

Abusive Relationships Newsletter

http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

Participate in discussions about Abusive Relationships - click on
these
links:

http://www.suite101.com/discussions.cfm/npd

http://www.suite101.com/discussions.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse

http://www.suite101.com/discussuions.cfm/spousal_domestic_abuse

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Narcissistic_Personality_Disorder/

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER

Links to Therapist Directories, Psychological Tests, NPD Resources,
Support Groups for narcissists and their victims, and Tutorials:

http://www.suite101.com/links.cfm/npd

Support groups for victims of narcissists (and one or two groups for
narcissists)

http://dmoz.org/Health/Mental_Health/Disorders/Personality/Narcissist
ic/Support_Groups/

Hi, guys,

Hope you find these of both interest and help:

Abusive Relationships NEWSLETTER ARCHIVES

Complete Archive

http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List (Parts 3 and 4) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 76

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4187

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List (Parts 1 and 2) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 75

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4173

Loss of Control of Grandiosity - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 74

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4160

Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 73
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4143


Narcissistic Accumulation and Narcissistic Regulation - Abusive
Relationships Newsletter - Number 72

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4101

The Concept of Narcissistic Supply - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 71

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4088

The Narcissist and the Opposite Sex - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 70

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4073
The Workings of a Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 69

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4060
Being Special - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 68

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4047

The Soul of the Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 67

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4032

Can the Narcissist Help Himself? - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
  Number 66

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4007
Should You Get the Police Involved? - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 65

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3990
Domestic Violence Shelters - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 64

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3972

The Effects of Abuse - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 63
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3960

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part XII) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 62

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3948

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part XI) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 61

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3931

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part X) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 60

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3912

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part IX) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 59

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3891

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part VIII) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 58

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3881

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part VII) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 57

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3862

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part VI) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 56

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3843

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part V) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 55

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3826

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part IV) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 54

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3810

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part III) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 53
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3791

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part II) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 52

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3778

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part I) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 51
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3765

Narcissism in the Media (Part IV) - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 50

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3749

Narcissism in the Media (Part III) - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 49

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3735

Narcissism in the Media (Part II) - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 48

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3718

Narcissism in the Media (Part I) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
  Number 47

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3693

Help in Coping with Abuse and Stalking - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 46

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3679

The Narcissistic Couple - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number
45

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3667

Narcissistic Rage and Anger - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 44

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3655

Idealization Devaluation and Narcissistic Space - Abusive
Relationships Newsletter - Number 43

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3642

Narcissistic Parents - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 42

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3629

Myths of Narcissism - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 41

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3609

Narcissists Hate Women and Children - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 40

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3594

The Narcissist and the Internet - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 39

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3574

Are Narcissists Evil? - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 38

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3558

Manual of Coping with Stalkers - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 37

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3540

Narcissists and Sexual Deviations - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 36

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3520
Narcissistic Leaders and Bosses - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 35

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3507

Female Narcissists - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 34

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3489

Divorcing the Narcissist/Psychopath - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 33

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3469

The Narcissist's Charm and Aggression - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 32

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3450

Homosexual and Transsexual Narcissists - Number 31

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3438

When Victims Become Narcissists - Number 30

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3424

Codependence and Counterdependence - Number 29

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3405

Closure and Letting Go - Number 28

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3384

Introspection and Self-Awareness - Number 27

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3366

The Narcissist's False self - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 26

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3343

Fame, Celebrity, and Narcissism - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 25

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3333

Narcissism, Medication, and Addiction - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - 24

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3322

The Adolescent Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 23

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3302

Narcissists and Emotions - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number
22

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3289

Stalking and Stalkers - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 21

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3270

Narcissists Have No Friends - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 20

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3251

The Malignant Optimism of the Abused - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - 19

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3235

False Modesty and Feigned Altruism - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - No. 18

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3221

Narcissism Chat Transcript - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - No.
17

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3202

Mental Health Today Chat Transcript - Number 16

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3351

Violent Narcissists - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 15

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3173

How To Make the System Work for You - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 14

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3149

The System Against the Victims - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 13

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3134

Narcissists Sex and Fidelity - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 12

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3118

Narcissists and God - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 11

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3101

Narcissism in the Boardroom - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 10

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3089

Can Narcissism Be Cured? - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number
9

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3072

The Victims of the Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 8

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3057

Substance Abuse, Reckless Behaviors and the Narcissist - Newsletter
Number 7

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3037

The Midlife Crisis and Old Age of the Narcissist - Newsletter Number
6

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3024

Divorce and Custody - Working the System - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 5

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3006

Narcissism, Asperger's and Bipolar Disorder - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter 4

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/2994

How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 3

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/2988

Custody - Leveraging the Children - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 2

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/2964

Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Issue Number 1

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/2946

DIALOGS

NEW dialogs about pathological narcissism, the malignant narcissist,
and his effects on his victims at home, at work, and elsewhere:

Terrorism as a Psychodynamic Phenomenon

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/terrorism.html

Stephen McDonnell and Sam Vaknin

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues2.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues3.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues4.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues5.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues6.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues7.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues8.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues9.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues10.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues11.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues12.html

Or here:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues2.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues3.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues4.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues5.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues6.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues7.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues8.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues9.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues10.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues11.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues12.html

Weekly Case Studies

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/drvakninsweekly
casestudies.msnw

CHAT TRANSCRIPTS and INTERVIEWS

Celebrities Want to Be Alone - Or Do They?

http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/life/20041130/d_bottomstrip30.ar
t.htm

Mirror, Mirror ... (Toronto Sun)

http://www.canoe.ca/NewsStand/TorontoSun/Lifestyle/2004/08/30/608650.
html

The Infinite Mind Radio Show - Narcissism

http://www.lcmedia.com/mind333.htm

Articles and interviews in the media

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10621

New Narc City (New York Press)

http://www.nypress.com/16/7/news&columns/feature.cfm

Radio Show regarding Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

http://www.healthyplace.com/Radio/archives/audio_narcissism_02-10-
12.htm

Read the transcript of the CHAT with Sam Vaknin in HealthyPlace -
click on this link:

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/Site/Tr
anscripts/narcissism.htm

Read the transcript of the CHAT with Sam Vaknin regarding abusive
narcissists - click on this link:

http://healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/site/Transc
ripts/abusive_narcissists.htm

Read the transcript of the CHAT with Sam Vaknin regarding
narcissists in the Workplace- click on this link:

http://healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/site/Transc
ripts/narcissism_workplace.htm

Read the transcript of the WebMD CHAT with Sam Vaknin - click on
this link:

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/71/81306.htm

Read the transcript of the Mental Health Today CHAT with Sam Vaknin -
  click on this link:

http://www.mental-health-today.com/narcissistic/transcripts.htm

Download all chat transcripts and interviews here:

http://www.suite101.com/files/topics/6514/files/NPDBibliography.zip

Read an extended INTERVIEW with Sam Vaknin in Natterbox - HERE:

http://www.natterbox.com/vaknin/vaknin1.html

Listen to an AUDIO INTERVIEW with Sam Vaknin - HERE:

http://www.ladybuglive.com/acl.htm

Listen to "Psychopaths in Suits" on Australia's ABC Radio

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/mod/bbing_18072004_2856.ram

Or read the transcript here:

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/stories/s1158704.htm

Interview in "The Idler" - "Narcissism, Group Behaviour, and
Terrorism" - click on this link:

http://www.the-idler.com/IDLER-01/12-20.html

The Narcissistic Psychopath - How Do I Get Rid of Him?

Divorcing the Narcissist and the Psychopath

Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist,

and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

Malignant Self Love - Buy the Book - Click HERE!!!

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists - Buy the e-Books - Click HERE!!!

READ THIS: Scroll down to review a complete list of the articles - Click on the blue-coloured text!
Bookmark this Page - and SHARE IT with Others!

Question:

I finally mustered the courage and determination to divorce him. But he refuses to let go, he threatens me and stalks and harasses me. I am sometimes afraid for my life. He is also a convincing pathological liar. I am afraid he will turn the judge against me...

Answer:

I am not a divorce lawyer and, therefore, cannot relate to the legal aspects of your predicament. But I can elaborate on three important elements:

I. How to cope with your narcissist throughout the prolonged process?

II. How to expose the manipulations of the narcissist in court?

III. What to expect of the narcissist as your divorce unfolds? Will he become violent?

Divorce is a life crisis – and more so for the narcissist. The narcissist stands to lose not only his spouse but an important source of narcissistic supply. This results in narcissistic injury, rage, and an all-pervasive feelings of injustice, helplessness and paranoia.

I. How to Cope with the Narcissist, Psychopath, Bully, or Stalker

If he has a rage attack – rage back. This will provoke in him fears of being abandoned and the resulting calm will be so total that it might seem eerie. Narcissists are known for these sudden tectonic shifts in mood and in behavior.

Mirror the narcissist’s actions and repeat his words. If he threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house – leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious – act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level. Faced with his mirror image – the narcissist always recoils.

The other way is to abandon him and go about reconstructing your own life. Very few people deserve the kind of investment that is an absolute prerequisite to living with a narcissist. To cope with a narcissist is a full time, energy and emotion-draining job, which reduces the persons around the narcissist to insecure nervous wrecks.

For practical tips for coping with your narcissist or psychopath - read the following articles:

What is Abuse?

Coping with Your Abuser

Avoiding Your Abuser - The Submissive Posture

Avoiding Your Abuser - The Conflictive Posture

Reconditioning the Abuser

Reforming the Abuser

Contracting with Your Abuser

How to Cope with a Narcissist

How to Cope with Your Paranoid Ex

Avoiding Your Paranoid Ex

Coping with Your Stalker

The Stalker as Antisocial Bully

Coping with Stalking and Stalkers

Getting Help

Domestic Violence Shelters

Planning and Executing Your Getaway

Should You Get the Police Involved?

Should You Get the Courts Involved?

II. The Narcissist in Court

How can you expose the lies of the Narcissist in a court of law? He acts so convincing!

A clear distinction has to be made between the FACTUAL and the PSYCHOLOGICAL pillars of any cross-examination or deposition of a narcissist.

It is essential to be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information. Narcissists are superhuman in their capacity to distort reality by offering highly "plausible" alternative scenarios, which fit most of the facts.

It is very easy to "break" a narcissist – even a well-trained and prepared one.

Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating:

Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party.

Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.

The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.

The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement.

Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that their lives are so cosmically significant that others should defer to their needs and cater to their every whim without ado. The narcissist feels entitled to special treatment by unique individuals.

Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.

Add to this a negation of the narcissist's sense of entitlement – and the combustion is inevitable. Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment, that his needs are not everyone's priority, that he is boring, that his requirements can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that, like everyone else, he is subject to court procedures, etc. – and the narcissist will lose control.

The narcissist believes that he is the cleverest, far above the madding crowd. Contradict the narcissist, expose, humiliate, and berate him:

"You are not as intelligent as you think you are"

"Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to possess"

"So, you have no formal education"

"You are (mistake his age, make him much older) ... sorry, you are ... old"

"What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?"

"Would your children share your view that you are a good father?"

"You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a (domestic, stripper, receptionist...) (in demeaning disbelief)".

I know that many of these questions cannot be asked outright in a court of law. But you CAN hurl these sentences at him during the breaks, inadvertently during the examination or deposition phase, etc.

Read more:

The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim

Conning the System

Befriending the System

Working with Professionals

Interacting with Your Abuser

Should You Get the Courts Involved?

III. What to Expect

Narcissists are often vindictive and they often stalk and harass.

Basically, there are only two ways of coping with vindictive narcissists:

1. To Frighten Them

Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression, envy and hatred. They firmly believe that everyone is like them. As a result, they are paranoid, suspicious, scared and erratic. Frightening the narcissist is a powerful behavior modification tool. If sufficiently deterred – the narcissist promptly disengages, gives up everything he was fighting for and sometimes make amends.

To act effectively, one has to identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them – until the narcissist lets go and vanishes.

Example:

If a narcissist is hiding an embarrassing or self-incriminating fact – one should use this to threaten him. One should drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. The narcissist has a very vivid imagination. Let his paranoia do the rest.

The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, in malpractice, in child abuse, in infidelity – there are so many possibilities, which offer a rich vein of attack. If done cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner – the narcissist crumbles, disengages and disappears. He lowers his profile thoroughly in the hope of avoiding hurt and pain.

Most narcissists have been known to disown and abandon a whole PNS (pathological narcissistic space) in response to a well-focused campaign by their victims. Thus, the narcissist may leave town, change his job, abandon a field of professional interest, avoid friends and acquaintances – only to secure a cessation of the unrelenting pressure exerted on him by his victims.

I repeat: most of the drama takes place in the paranoid mind of the narcissist. His imagination runs amok. He finds himself snarled by horrifying scenarios, pursued by the vilest "certainties". The narcissist is his own worst persecutor and prosecutor.

You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. The narcissist will do the rest for you. He is like a little child in the dark, generating the very monsters that paralyze him with fear.

Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way – they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.

2. To Lure Them

The other way to neutralize a vindictive narcissist is to offer him continued narcissistic supply until the war is over and won by you. Dazzled by the drug of narcissistic supply – the narcissist immediately becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly takes over his reclaimed or new "property" and "territory".

Under the influence of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is unable to tell when he is being duped. He is blind, dumb and deaf to all but the song of the NS sirens. You can make a narcissist do ANYTHING by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold narcissistic supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).

Read More:

Abusing the Narcissist

The Vindictive Narcissist

The Three Forms of Closure

Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply

Copyright Notice

This material is copyrighted. Free, unrestricted use is allowed on a non commercial basis.
The author's name and a link to this Website must be incorporated in any reproduction of the material for any use and by any means.

Additional Q&A's

Additional Divorce Resources

Go Back to Home Page!

Journal Entries

Frequently Asked Questions about Pathological Narcissism

Excerpts from the Archive of the Narcissism List

The Narcissism List Home Page

Philosophical Musings

After the Rain - How the West Lost the East

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Suite101

Internet: A Medium or a Message?

Write to me: palma@...  or narcissisticabuse-owner@yahoogroups.com

Please forward if you think that this may be of interest to someone else you
know.

Dear Editor/Journalist,

The holidays are a difficult patch for many families - especially if they
include a narcissist.

The Holiday Grudge:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/journal40.html

I am Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" , a
work of reference about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847

I have been studying Narcissistic Personality Disorder for several years
now, mostly in the following contexts:

I. Corporate settings and in Politics

II. Abusive and Dysfunctional relationships

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a serious, often undiagnosed
condition, frequently related to abuse in childhood.

In many cases the disorder compels the sufferer to become the abuser in
turn.

Once almost unheard of, pathological narcissism is now considered to be at
the heart of phenomena as diverse as corporate malfeasance, workplace
bullying, the emergence of murderous dictatorships, domestic violence, and
serial killings.

I would be delighted to assist you in putting together a report, a segment,
an issue, an article, or series of articles - regarding this disorder.

I am also available for interviews.

My media kit is available here:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sam Vaknin

Email: palma@...

Website: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com

Hi, guys,

Hope you find these of both interest and help:

Abusive Relationships NEWSLETTER ARCHIVES

Complete Archive

http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List (Parts 1 and 2) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 75

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4173

Loss of Control of Grandiosity - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 74

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4160

Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 73
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4143


Narcissistic Accumulation and Narcissistic Regulation - Abusive
Relationships Newsletter - Number 72

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4101

The Concept of Narcissistic Supply - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 71

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4088

The Narcissist and the Opposite Sex - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 70

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4073
The Workings of a Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 69

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4060
Being Special - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 68

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4047

The Soul of the Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 67

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4032

Can the Narcissist Help Himself? - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
  Number 66

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4007
Should You Get the Police Involved? - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 65

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3990
Domestic Violence Shelters - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 64

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3972

The Effects of Abuse - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 63
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3960

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part XII) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 62

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3948

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part XI) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 61

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3931

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part X) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 60

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3912

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part IX) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 59

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3891

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part VIII) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 58

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3881

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part VII) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 57

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3862

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part VI) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 56

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3843

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part V) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 55

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3826

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part IV) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 54

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3810

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part III) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 53
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3791

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part II) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 52

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3778

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part I) -
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 51
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3765

Narcissism in the Media (Part IV) - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 50

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3749

Narcissism in the Media (Part III) - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 49

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3735

Narcissism in the Media (Part II) - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 48

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3718

Narcissism in the Media (Part I) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
  Number 47

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3693

Help in Coping with Abuse and Stalking - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 46

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3679

The Narcissistic Couple - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number
45

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3667

Narcissistic Rage and Anger - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 44

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3655

Idealization Devaluation and Narcissistic Space - Abusive
Relationships Newsletter - Number 43

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3642

Narcissistic Parents - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 42

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3629

Myths of Narcissism - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 41

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3609

Narcissists Hate Women and Children - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 40

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3594

The Narcissist and the Internet - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 39

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3574

Are Narcissists Evil? - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 38

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3558

Manual of Coping with Stalkers - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 37

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3540

Narcissists and Sexual Deviations - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 36

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3520
Narcissistic Leaders and Bosses - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 35

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3507

Female Narcissists - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 34

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3489

Divorcing the Narcissist/Psychopath - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 33

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3469

The Narcissist's Charm and Aggression - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 32

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3450

Homosexual and Transsexual Narcissists - Number 31

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3438

When Victims Become Narcissists - Number 30

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3424

Codependence and Counterdependence - Number 29

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3405

Closure and Letting Go - Number 28

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3384

Introspection and Self-Awareness - Number 27

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3366

The Narcissist's False self - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 26

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3343

Fame, Celebrity, and Narcissism - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 25

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3333

Narcissism, Medication, and Addiction - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - 24

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3322

The Adolescent Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 23

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3302

Narcissists and Emotions - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number
22

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3289

Stalking and Stalkers - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 21

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3270

Narcissists Have No Friends - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 20

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3251

The Malignant Optimism of the Abused - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - 19

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3235

False Modesty and Feigned Altruism - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - No. 18

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3221

Narcissism Chat Transcript - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - No.
17

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3202

Mental Health Today Chat Transcript - Number 16

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3351

Violent Narcissists - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 15

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3173

How To Make the System Work for You - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 14

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3149

The System Against the Victims - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 13

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3134

Narcissists Sex and Fidelity - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 12

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3118

Narcissists and God - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 11

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3101

Narcissism in the Boardroom - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 10

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3089

Can Narcissism Be Cured? - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number
9

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3072

The Victims of the Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter -
Number 8

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3057

Substance Abuse, Reckless Behaviors and the Narcissist - Newsletter
Number 7

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3037

The Midlife Crisis and Old Age of the Narcissist - Newsletter Number
6

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3024

Divorce and Custody - Working the System - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 5

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3006

Narcissism, Asperger's and Bipolar Disorder - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter 4

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/2994

How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 3

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/2988

Custody - Leveraging the Children - Abusive Relationships
Newsletter - Number 2

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/2964

Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Issue Number 1

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/2946

DIALOGS

NEW dialogs about pathological narcissism, the malignant narcissist,
and his effects on his victims at home, at work, and elsewhere:

Terrorism as a Psychodynamic Phenomenon

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/terrorism.html

Stephen McDonnell and Sam Vaknin

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues2.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues3.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues4.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues5.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues6.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues7.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues8.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues9.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues10.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues11.html

http://www.narcissism101.com/Narcissism_101/SamDialogues12.html

Or here:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues2.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues3.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues4.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues5.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues6.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues7.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues8.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues9.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues10.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues11.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/dialogues12.html

Weekly Case Studies

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/drvakninsweekly
casestudies.msnw

CHAT TRANSCRIPTS and INTERVIEWS

Celebrities Want to Be Alone - Or Do They?

http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/life/20041130/d_bottomstrip30.ar
t.htm

Mirror, Mirror ... (Toronto Sun)

http://www.canoe.ca/NewsStand/TorontoSun/Lifestyle/2004/08/30/608650.
html

The Infinite Mind Radio Show - Narcissism

http://www.lcmedia.com/mind333.htm

Articles and interviews in the media

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10621

New Narc City (New York Press)

http://www.nypress.com/16/7/news&columns/feature.cfm

Radio Show regarding Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

http://www.healthyplace.com/Radio/archives/audio_narcissism_02-10-
12.htm

Read the transcript of the CHAT with Sam Vaknin in HealthyPlace -
click on this link:

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/Site/Tr
anscripts/narcissism.htm

Read the transcript of the CHAT with Sam Vaknin regarding abusive
narcissists - click on this link:

http://healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/site/Transc
ripts/abusive_narcissists.htm

Read the transcript of the CHAT with Sam Vaknin regarding
narcissists in the Workplace- click on this link:

http://healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/site/Transc
ripts/narcissism_workplace.htm

Read the transcript of the WebMD CHAT with Sam Vaknin - click on
this link:

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/71/81306.htm

Read the transcript of the Mental Health Today CHAT with Sam Vaknin -
  click on this link:

http://www.mental-health-today.com/narcissistic/transcripts.htm

Download all chat transcripts and interviews here:

http://www.suite101.com/files/topics/6514/files/NPDBibliography.zip

Read an extended INTERVIEW with Sam Vaknin in Natterbox - HERE:

http://www.natterbox.com/vaknin/vaknin1.html

Listen to an AUDIO INTERVIEW with Sam Vaknin - HERE:

http://www.ladybuglive.com/acl.htm

Listen to "Psychopaths in Suits" on Australia's ABC Radio

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/mod/bbing_18072004_2856.ram

Or read the transcript here:

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/stories/s1158704.htm

Interview in "The Idler" - "Narcissism, Group Behaviour, and
Terrorism" - click on this link:

http://www.the-idler.com/IDLER-01/12-20.html

The Gradations of Abuse

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

First published on Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

Malignant Self Love - Buy the Book - Click HERE!!!

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists - Buy the e-Books - Click HERE!!!

READ THIS: Scroll down to review a complete list of the articles - Click on the blue-coloured text!
Bookmark this Page - and SHARE IT with Others!

Also Read:

"Trauma Bonding" and the Psychology of Torture

Traumas as Social Interactions

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence

Verbal and Emotional Abuse - Articles Menu

Case Studies in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder List - Click HERE!

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group - Part I

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group - Part II

Domestic Violence and Abuse statistics - Click here

Is sexual abuse worse than emotional abuse? Is verbal abuse less deleterious than physical abuse (beatings)? Somehow, the professional literature implies that there is a hierarchy with sexual mistreatment at its nadir. It is rare to hear about a dissociative identity disorder ("multiple personality") that is the outcome of constant oral humiliation in early childhood. But it is thought to be a common response to egregious sexual molestation of infants and to other forms of deviance and perversions with minors.

Yet, these distinctions are spurious. One's mental space is as important to one's healthy development and proper adult functioning as one's body. Indeed. the damage in sexual abuse is hardly corporeal. It is the psychological intrusion, coercion, and the demolition of nascent boundaries of the self that inflict the most damage.

Abuse is a form of long-term torture usually inflicted by one's nearest and dearest. It is a grievous violation of trust and it leads to disorientation, fear, depression, and suicidal ideation. It generates aggression in the abused and this overwhelming and all-pervasive emotion metastasizes and transforms into pathological envy, violence, rage, and hatred.

The abused are deformed by the abuser both overtly – many develop mental health disorders and dysfunctional behaviours – and, more perniciously, covertly. The abuser, like some kind of alien life form, invades and colonizes the victim's mind and becomes a permanent presence. Abused and abuser never cease the dialog of hurt, recrimination, and glib denial or rationalization that is an integral part of the act.

In a way, psychological abuse – emotional and verbal – is harder to "erase" and "deprogram". Words resonate and reverberate, pain resurfaces, narcissistic wounds keep opening. The victims proceeds to pay with stunted growth and recurrent failure for his own earlier degradation and objectification.

Social attitudes don't help. While sexual and physical abuse are slowly coming to the open and being recognized as the scourges that they are – psychological abuse is still largely ignored. It is difficult to draw a line between strict discipline and verbal harassment. Abusers find refuge in the general disdain for the weak and the vulnerable which is the result of suppressed collective guilt. The "good intentions" defence is still going strong.

The professional community is no less to blame. Emotional and verbal abuse are perceived and analyzed in "relative" terms – not as the absolute evils that they are. Cultural and moral relativism mean tat many aberrant and deplorable behaviour patterns are justified based on bogus cultural "sensitivities" and malignant political correctness.

Some scholars even go as far as blaming the victim for his or her maltreatment (the discipline is known as victimology). Is the abused guilty – even partially – for the abuse? Does the victim emit a "come-on" signal, picked up by would-be abusers? Are certain types of people more prone to abuse than others?

This is the subject of the next article.

Continue ...

RESOURCES

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Psychological and Verbal Abuse Resources

Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence on Suite101

Copyright Notice

This material is copyrighted. Free, unrestricted use is allowed on a non commercial basis.
The author's name and a link to this Website must be incorporated in any reproduction of the material for any use and by any means.

Additional Q&A's

Go Back to Home Page!

Journal Entries

Frequently Asked Questions about Pathological Narcissism

Excerpts from the Archive of the Narcissism List

The Narcissism List Home Page

Philosophical Musings

After the Rain - How the West Lost the East

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Suite101

Internet: A Medium or a Message?

Write to me: palma@...  or narcissisticabuse-owner@yahoogroups.com

What is Abuse?

Emotional, Verbal, and Psychological Abuse, Domestic and Family Violence and Spousal Abuse

Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist,

and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

Malignant Self Love - Buy the Book - Click HERE!!!

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists - Buy the e-Books - Click HERE!!!

READ THIS: Scroll down to review a complete list of the articles - Click on the blue-coloured text!

Articles Menu

I. The Gradations of Abuse

II. The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim

III. Coping with Your Abuser

IV. The Abuser in Denial

V. Avoiding Your Abuser - The Submissive Posture

VI. Avoiding Your Abuser - The Conflictive Posture

VII. The Tocsins of Abuse - How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

VIII. The Tocsins of Abuse - The Abuser's Body Language

IX. The Path to Abuse

X. Ambient Abuse

XI. Abuse by Proxy

XII. Leveraging the Children

XIII. Tell Your Children the Truth

XIV. The Relief of Being Abandoned

XV. How to Cope with Your Paranoid Ex

XVI. Avoiding Your Paranoid Ex

XVII. The Three Forms of Closure

XVIII. Coping with Stalking and Stalkers

XIX. Getting Help

XX. Domestic Violence Shelters

XXI. Planning and Executing Your Getaway

XXIa. Should You Get the Police Involved?

XXIb. Should You Get the Courts Involved?

Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control.

There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless – is to abuse.

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore – are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

There are three important categories of abuse:

Overt Abuse

The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.

Covert or Controlling Abuse

Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment – human and physical.

The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch" – another form of control.

To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects – not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other – is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.

Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal representations.

To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind – being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts... Nightmarish!

In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list:

Unpredictability and Uncertainty

The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.

The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of his nearest and dearest – by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives – by destabilizing their own.

TIP

Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.

Disproportional Reactions

One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or, he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).

This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of "justice" meted and judgment passed – on the abuser – are thus guaranteed.

TIP

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behaviour.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)

People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people – the abuser attacks the very foundations of human interaction. This is the "alien" aspect of abusers – they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric – that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

TIP

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough – disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.

Abuse of Information

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim – the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

TIP

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.

Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.

Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.

Impossible Situations

The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

TIP

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.

Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

Control by Proxy

If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.

TIP

Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

Ambient Abuse

The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser – the suffering soul.

TIP

Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.

You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.

Read about numerous other tactics and stratagems of abuse – click HERE.

Continue ...

Open Site Encyclopaedia - Family Violence

Violence in the family often follows other forms of more subtle and long-term abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological sexual, or financial.

It is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviours, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders.

Most abusers and batterers are males – but a significant minority are women. This being a "Women's Issue", the problem was swept under the carpet for generations and only recently has it come to public awareness. Yet, even today, society – for instance, through the court and the mental health systems – largely ignores domestic violence and abuse in the family. This induces feelings of shame and guilt in the victims and "legitimizes" the role of the abuser.

Violence in the family is mostly spousal – one spouse beating, raping, or otherwise physically harming and torturing the other. But children are also and often victims – either directly, or indirectly. Other vulnerable familial groups include the elderly and the disabled.

Abuse and violence cross geographical and cultural boundaries and social and economic strata. It is common among the rich and the poor, the well-educated and the less so, the young and the middle-aged, city dwellers and rural folk. It is a universal phenomenon.
 

RESOURCES

"Trauma Bonding" and the Psychology of Torture

Traumas as Social Interactions

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence

Intimacy and Abuse

Domestic Violence and Abuse statistics - Click here

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Psychological and Verbal Abuse Resources

Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence on Suite101

Open Site Family Violence

Case Studies in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder List Part I - Click HERE!

Case Studies in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder List Part II - Click HERE!

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group - Part I

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group - Part II

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group - Part III

Child Abuse and Recovery Book Review

Inner Child Healing Book Review

Copyright Notice

This material is copyrighted. Free, unrestricted use is allowed on a non commercial basis.
The author's name and a link to this Website must be incorporated in any reproduction of the material for any use and by any means.

Additional Q&A's

Go Back to Home Page!

Journal Entries

Frequently Asked Questions about Pathological Narcissism

Excerpts from the Archive of the Narcissism List

The Narcissism List Home Page

Abusive Relationship Newsletter

Chats and Interviews

HealthyPlace CHAT with Sam Vaknin

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists CHAT

Narcissists in the Workplace Chat Transcript

WebMD Chat with Sam Vaknin

Mental Health Today Chat

Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse

Download all CHAT TRANSCRIPTS

New Narc City - Interview in the New York Press

Interviews and Articles in New York Times and UPI

Natterbox Interview with Sam Vaknin

Listen to an INTERVIEW with Sam Vaknin

Listen to Radio Show Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

Narcissism - Listen to the Infinite Mind Radio Show

Mirror, Mirror - Interview with the Toronto Sun

Other Topics

Philosophical Musings

After the Rain - How the West Lost the East

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Suite101

Internet: A Medium or a Message?

Poetry of Healing and Abuse: My Poems

English Fiction at Gorgelink - Click HERE!

FREE - Read New Short Fiction

Write to me: palma@...  or narcissisticabuse-owner@yahoogroups.com