Thanks for your honest comments. RAD is exactly what I suspect I am
facing. This is an out of state adoption and I did have a feeling
she was RAD when I visited. I talked my suspicions over with her
foster mom, who is a social worker, and she kept downplaying my
concerns. I believe her social worker deliberately withheld the
history for four months until she felt I was attached to the child
so I would not feel comfortable backing out. I guess others have in
the past. Now that I am talking about my RAD suspicions and asking
for an assessment, I am seeing the child being coached to tell me
she loves me and that I am the best mom ever. She talks about being
bonded to the dog in her foster home, but when I question her, she
has no idea what bonding means. I feel very much in conflict and am
angry that now my emotions are being played upon. I've been reading
and talking with an attachment therapist and other people with
experience with RAD kids and while I want to continue and hope for
the best, they are telling me the same kind of thing - that I need
to really think about this and that at her age, change/ healing is
probably not going to happen. I know financially I am not able to
cover the costs of the therapies. I know also that the detachment
will be hard on me emotionally, but that I think I can live with.
But I am not prepared to financially support this child for the rest
of my or her life. Her prognosis for independent living is that the
best expected is group home living. Can anyone tell me what costs
are involved in group homes? I do not want to walk away and hurt
this child more, but I also think I will fail her if I take this
on. I know what you mean about guilt. It seems like no matter the
choice I make now, there will be guilt and grief. If only I had
known the history before I went down this road. It was available
and detailed.


--- In supportingadoptiveparents@yahoogroups.com, "lgb1557"
<babinoc@...> wrote:
>
> I will be writing more as to my suggestions but I thought I really
> wanted to reply to this letter. I would have to say that you are
> lucky you got that information prior to your adoption. We weren't
> that lucky I am afraid...not that I don't love my son but the
trauma
> and emotion and stress that we have experienced in the last year
or
> two because of the things that have developed based on what
happened
> to him in his paat. I knew, when we adopted, that he was severely
> neglected but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that
this
> young boy who held my hand and sat on my lap the first month he
> lived with me would have turned into the same kid that tells me he
> hates me on a regular basis but everything he does. My son is
> reactive attachment and if there is any possibility that this
might
> be the case with your child make sure you give it a lot, and I do
> mean a lot, of thought before adopting. As I said before, I love
my
> son and would never give him up but the thought of going through
> what we are going through right now for the next 6 years makes me
so
> depressed. My daughter came home from camp last week ( this is
one
> of two daughters adopted after my son) and told me she cried
because
> she had to come home. She said the stress was so less at camp and
> now she would have to come home to the stress of her brother
again.
> If there is any chance that this kid of yours will be reactive
> attachment it means much frustration from lack of counseling
> available, 6000.00 therapy for a 2 week session and ongoing for at
> least another year after that...my husband and I are always at
odds
> with each other as to what to do..and I live with guilt every day
> because I don't like my son's behaviorand it makes it very hard to
> like my son on days. The stress it has caused in my whole family,
> not to mention just about everybody he comes into contact with is
> something I could never imagine prior to his adoption. I guess if
I
> had to add anything to any kind of training, I would add a crisis
> segment..some part when potential parents are able to talk to
other
> parents about the real possibilities because I was a parent going
> into this with a sort of unrealistic look at what life COULD be
like
> and what is out there for help with the things that MIGHT happen.
> I'm not sure if there is anyway to be able to present that..maybe
a
> panel discussion or something like that but I really believe it is
> essential to be able to discuss, without judgement on anyone, the
> what ifs of adoption...would I have adopted my son if I knew then
> what I know now? Honestly, and it really hurts me to say this,
not
> to mention the incredible guilt..but no, I would not have adopted
> him. Sometimes love is not enough and I think there needs to be
> someway to show this to first time, second time or whatever time
> adoptive parents... Anyway, I just wanted to stress this..I'm not
> sure, if someone had told me all this prior to my adopting my son
if
> It would have made a difference or not...but it might have opened
my
> eyes a little and I could have gone into it with a lot more
> knowledge about what I could be getting into..I don't know..but I
> think its important to tell you this. I do'nt want to scare
> you...just to make sure you truly go into this adoption with your
> eyes wide open as to what might happen. I will write more, with
> some additional thought, as to what I think might be added or even
> taken away.
>
>
> Lynda
>
> Lynda
>
>
>
> --- In supportingadoptiveparents@yahoogroups.com, "boinkycat"
> <curthoys@> wrote:
> >
> > Hi,
> >
> > I'm in the process of adopting and have been a foster parent in
> the
> > past. I feel as though training has always been available and I
> > have had access to it when needed. I often taken the
initiative
> > and sought out training when I felt I needed to understand
> something
> > I was facing or making a decision to enter into something. I
> guess
> > I'd like to know a bit about the reasons behind the move to
> require
> > training. Is it because there are people unprepared for
adoption
> > and the issues they face with the kids they've adopted? If so,
my
> > experience with this has been not having detailed or complete
> > information on the child. I am facing this now. I am four
months
> > into an adoption process and just now received the background on
> the
> > child. I am having to revaluate my ability to parent and
> financialy
> > support this child. No amount of training can resolve these
types
> > of issues. Information about the child needs to be gathered and
> > more forthcoming. General training can't fill that void.
> >
> > --- In supportingadoptiveparents@yahoogroups.com, "Andrea"
> > <postadoption@> wrote:
> > >
> > > Hello Everyone,
> > >
> > > I hope everyone is doing well and that you are enjoying your
> > summer!
> > >
> > > I am posting this message to ask for your input. As you may
or
> > may
> > > not have heard yet Wisconsin has passed a bill that would
> require
> > > all new first time adoptive parents to participate in training
> > prior
> > > to their home study being approved. I have joined the
committee
> > > that is working on developing what this training will look
> like.
> > We
> > > really want input from parents who have already adopted. Any
> > > insight you can share would be greatly appreciated!!! Here
are
> > some
> > > questions to get you thinking...
> > >
> > > What areas/topics were missing in the training you received?
> > > Where there any topics you found especially helpful?
> > > How should training be taught? small group, videos, reading
> books
> > > etc..
> > >
> > > Thank you for help. I look forward to hearing from you!
> > >
> > > Andrea Huss
> > > Coordinator
> > > Post Adoption Resource Center
> > >
> >
>