Hevre:
 As Danny Siegel says, let's get tachlitical...

Here's what I have done for Bnai Mitzvah services for many years, with hardly any controversy from either the J. or the non-J spouse:

 

Before Torah service, I invite both parents to the bima to present the tallit to the kid. Kid recites blessing, then parents speak--both parents. They go back down, kid stays on bima for Torah Service.

 

Aliyas: Parents get the sixth aliya. If one is non-J, then only the J parent comes up. Kid gets maftir aliya. I then call the non-J parent up to the bima (with the Torah covered) for my first kid blessing and we sing Siman Tov...Parents go down, kid does haftorah.

 

Prayers for Country, Israel, Congregation--we do two of them, I invite the non_J parent or member of the non-J family to read/lead these. How cool to hear a non-J pray for Israel!

 

Later, when I speak to kid, the whole family stands for she-he-che-yanu.

Adon Olam--last verse, I welcome the entire family to the bima for Kiddush and Motzi (and, it's a great photo-op!!!).

 

That's it. If the non-J parent were not supportive, we wouldn't be here to celebrate the simcha.

 

I believe, as you have rightly said, if we are strong and kind in what we believe, and don't judge anyone, and don't feel guilty because we cannot let non-Js have aliyas or Ark openings, we will be well respected.

 

Remember, non-Jews really do believe that we are the Chosen People. We should act like we do too.

 

V'ze hu.

 

Mel Glazer