All:

As a parent whose daughter first became engaged to a non-Jewish man and then asked me to help them plan a traditional Jewish wedding, I have more than a little first hand experience with the emotional tension between being embracing, yet defining the limits of what one may & may not do as a Conservative Jew.  Anecdotally, my daughter belonged to a Reform congregation whose rabbi did not perform mixed marriages.

We have quite a few mixed marriage couples in our congregation.  Most feel as welcome as they choose to be.  By that I mean that we have some non-Jewish spouses who are very active in our communal life, and others who are phantoms (we see them at their children’s B’nai Mitzvah).  When mixed marriage couples visit as prospective members, we explain our approach thoroughly and as thoughtfully as we can.  Children of non-Jewish mothers must convert before their B’nai Mitzvah, non-Jewish spouses may not participate in the Jewish liturgy, membership is as a single parent family, and Jewish members with non-Jewish spouses may not serve as synagogue officers.  Once in a while, this causes some friction when a family wants to have non-Jewish grandparents, etc participate in services during a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, or when the Jewish spouse wants to become a synagogue officer.  

Sometimes I sense that people would prefer not to have to make choices.  More significantly, they prefer that choices have no consequences.  If one chooses to intermarry, that represents a complex and sometimes difficult set of choices.  The net effect of those choices is to have a marriage that is outside the established norms of Conservative Judaism.  Notwithstanding, most shuls welcome mixed marriage couples with caveats similar to those I mentioned for our shul.  If a couple feels unwelcome because they aren’t permitted to choreograph the community’s liturgy to meet their personal needs, I consider that to be a case of devaluing the community’s needs.  

The Jewish people exist today because we subjugate personal whims and preferences to the needs of the K’lal.  There’s a tremendous range of practices between mourning the loss of the child who chooses a non-Jewish spouse and abandoning our tradition in order to make mixed-marriage families feel more comfortable.  Personally I advocate for full inclusivity in non-liturgical activities except top leadership.  Synagogue leaders are supposed to exemplify the norms of our community.  Promoting mixed marriage is not one of those norms.  This approach seems to work in our community.  It reflects a reasonably strong sense of who we are as Conservative Jews.  I also suggest that leaders of synagogue communities spend time with non-Jewish spouses and mixed-marriage couples just to get a sense of how they feel about their place in the community.  Do they feel welcome, integrated, marginalized, etc.?  I think that it’s imperative to acknowledge the validity of personal feelings without making judgments. Once we hear how mixed marriage couples feel about the community, we can become more creative in building understanding.  At the end of the day, a few mixed marriage couples will feel more comfortable outside the Conservative community.  My experience with the couples at our synagogue is that they understand the rational behind our position and don’t feel any less welcome because of those boundaries.  

Shabbat Shalom,

Robert –

I am at a loss to respond to your post.  I don’t know what it means to be welcoming or understanding or accepting of intermarried families (as opposed to other types of families or singles).   I have started to give a measured response three times today only to find that no matter how I put it, what I say will be perceived as offensive and off-putting.  Instead, I would like to ask for specific anecdotes that are representative of how congregations (unnamed to avoid lashon hara) are unwelcoming, lacking of understanding and rejecting these families.  With specific examples in mind, we might be able together to determine whether the negative outcome is one of perception or substance.  There are a few scattered examples in this thread and, if I can get the time, I will try to pull them together.  The example of “anti-intermarriage polemics” comes to mind because it is recent.

Shabbat Shalom. 

Thank G-d its Friday.

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