Well, I don't have a lot to add to this discussion - but I am interesetd
that Rabbi Kay has brought in the issue of converts. I have always found it
to be quite ironic that we are not suppose to ever mention or ask if someone
is a convert but the minute their Hebrew name is used it becomes quite
apparent. I know a Rabbi who passed a teshuva that converts can pick new
parental names but was told that for any Jewish legal purpose this could not
be used as it would hide that they were a convert and could cause issues -
ie marrying a cohen..well, can't think of any others off the top of my head.

I will though give a few examples of what my shul has done to welcome the
non-Jewish spouses of our members.

- At several bnei mitzvot the non-Jewish parent (usually the father) has
given a "charge" during kiddush in the social hall. Jewish parents have
done this as well so it does not have a "stigma" to it.
- Non-Jewish relatives are allowed to read the prayer for peace and also
Heschel's "No Religion is an Island" (which is in the back of the Siddur)
during the communal prayer section of the service.
- The rabbi passed a teshuvah that non-Jews could be buried in our cemetary
on a case by case basis if they met specific criteria. The examples given of
Wendy and Becca's fathers would meet those criteria - no other religion,
supported their Jewish spouse and children, righteous gentile etc.

On the other hand - we had a non-Jewish mother of a bar mitzvah who was
actually hostile about the whole thing and refused, despite our
encouragement and offers of support, to even be in the sanctuary during the
ceremony. She did cook most of the food for the kiddush but was hostile to
the mashgiach and highly annoyed by kashrut rules.

We have a number of non-Jewish spouses who come to shul as regularly as
their Jewish spouse and I have often been surprised that they weren't Jewish
when it some how became apparent.

I do often wonder why if they are so involved in Jewish life why they don't
convert but I assume that they all have their reasons - which may even
include a past attempt to convert that was not greeted with much warmth by
the Rabbi. I know of at least one non-Jewish partner at my shul who is only
non-Jewish still because her attempts to convert have been continually
stalled.

I think that the Reform movements approach of welcoming them in and getting
them involved is a good one in that it results in a high number of eventual
conversions. Far more than if the door is slammed in their face.

Good Shabbos,

Nance Adler

-----Original Message-----
From: shefa@yahoogroups.com [mailto:shefa@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of
Rabbi David Kay
Sent: Friday, June 24, 2005 12:34 PM
To: shefa@yahoogroups.com
Subject: [Shefa] RE: "Unwelcoming" intermarrieds, etc.

Chevre --

L'fi aniyut da'ati (Hebrew for "IMHO"), we already "unwelcome" Jews by
choice when we insist on identifying them in public with the Hebrew name
"ben/bat Avraham avinu [v'Sarah imeinu]." If a Jew is a Jew, adding
descriptives to their names which identify the source of their Jewishness
ought to be anathema. In the absence of any Jewish parent, Jews by choice
ought to be identified in public as "ben/bat Avraham [v'Sarah]" only.

If a traditional convention "unwelcomes" Jews, we can only imagine how many
aspects of everyday Jewish communal life "unwelcome" non-Jews. Rabbinic law
and tradition demands certain concessions "mishum dar'kei shalom" -- "for
the sake of the ways of peace." This is understood as meaning "for the sake
of maintaining cordial relations with non-Jewish neighbors." How much more
so should we be thinking "mishum dar'kei shalom" when the "shalom" involved
is "shalom bayit."

At the same time, we ought not to be embarrassed or apologetic about being
who we are. When asked if I will perform an intermarriage, I'm quite clear:
"My authority to solemnize a marriage arises from Jewish law -- unless both
parties are subject to Jewish law, I don't have the authority to marry
them."

Likewise, when asked why a non-Jewish spouse can't be a voting member of the
synagogue or can't be called for an aliyah to the Torah, my response is in a
similar vein: "This is a Jewish community, and decisions by and about this
community are made by the Jews who live in it. Similarly, only those who
are obligated in Jewish religious matters may fulfill them or lead others in
fulfilling them."

My teacher, Prof. Mary Boys, has two basic rules for interfaith issues. The
first is, "Be as honest about your differences as you are inclined to be
about your similarities." The fact of the matter is that there is a
theological -- or, at the very least, an ideological -- difference between a
Jewish spouse and a non-Jewish spouse. Jewish communities ought not to
punish or ostracize either spouse for this difference, but neither do they
do anyone any favors by ignoring it or minimizing it. That, I believe, is
dishonest and actually contrary to a real and sincere dialogue.

I'll admit I have a rather Twain-ian attitude toward statistics, and find
those alleging to be predictive of the generational impact of intermarriage
to be particularly deserving of Mark Twain's famous observation ("There are
lies, damned lies . . . and statistics"). In fact, these statistics only
tell us something about what HAS happened and can at best conjecture about
what WILL happen.

We can argue until the proverbial cows come home about what factor(s) make
it most likely to have Jewish grandchildren (right now, the front-runner
seems to be sending your kids to a Jewish camp, by the way). The real issue
is that intermarriage exists in significant numbers in the Jewish community,
and if we don't have the door open AND the "Welcome" mat out for
intermarried couples, we just being foolish.

Shabbat shalom u'm'vorakh,
David


Rabbi David Kay
Assistant Rabbi
Congregation Ohev Shalom
Orlando, Florida
(407) 298-4650, ext. 115
rabbikay@...
david@...

*********************

" The Lord's kindness is attracted to gayety. A joyful person is usually
blessed with plenty, even though he may be impious. A sad person is usually
in want, even though he be God-fearing."
(Simcha Bunim of Parsischa
"The Wisdom of Israel"
ed. Lewis Browne)


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