From a friend of Shara's (Scream of the Crop lady)

Good sense holiday giving - pass on to a friend!
>
> During the holiday season, many people like to help out less-fortunate
> children by donating toys and gifts to organizations which in-turn
> distribute them to needy families.  Recent investigations have found that many
of these generous donations never reach a child.  During the holiday season,
most stores have extremely relaxed return policies, and some donations are
simply taken to a store and exchanged for cash, which can then be used to buy
drugs or alcohol, or heaven knows what.
>
> Sad but true, however, don't let these startling revelations put a damper on
your holiday giving!  You can combat these selfish acts by following these
guidelines:
>
> *     Donate only to established, legitimate organizations in your
> community.
>
> *     Using a permanent black marker, color in the spaces between a few of the
lines on the UPC code on the package so it won't scan (this will cause a clerk
at a store to physically LOOK at the bar code, rather than simply scanning it).
>
> *     Near the UPC symbol, write "DONATION" and the name of the
> organization to which you are giving the gift (many organizations will do this
anyway, to prevent such fraud).
>
> Most stores are aware of these scams, and will not accept returns of items
marked in this way.
>
> Remember, the holidays are a time when we should all experience the joys of
sharing and giving.  Give a kid a Christmas, but make sure what you give gets
where it belongs!

--
Shara Rendell-Smock

Author's SPECIAL HOLIDAY OFFER
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SCREAM OF THE CROP JOKES & QUOTES
Nov. 29

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From: owner-funny@...

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court
records nationwide...supposedly true.

  * Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

  * Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in
most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about
it until the next morning?

  * Q: What happened then?
    A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify
me.'
    Q: Did he kill you?

  * Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

  * The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

  * Were you alone or by yourself?

  * How long have you been a French Canadian?

  * Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

  * Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
    A: That's me.
    Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

  * Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

  * Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.   Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

  * Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
    A: I'll be three months on November 8.
    Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
    A: Yes.   Q: What were you doing at that time?

  * Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
    A: I used to be.
    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

  * So you were gone until you returned?
  * Q: She had three children, right?   A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?   A: None.   Q: Were there girls?

   * You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?

  * Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?   A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

  * Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?   A: Not yet.

   * A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a
stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to
strike the next question."

  * Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of
Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
    A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
    A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy!

  * Q: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's
pulse?   A: No.
    Q: Did you listen for a heart beat?   A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?   A: No.
    Q: So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any
steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?
    A: Well, let me put it this way.  The man's brain was sitting in a
jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law
somewhere.


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subscribe. Just send a blank
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Looking for a little adult humor?..Try ROKHOPSTER'S joke of the day
club! Just mail him at rokhopster@...
with subscribe in the subject line.

Here's a sample of his material:

There were some backwoods ignorant hillbillies living across the river
from each other, who feuded constantly.

John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw
rocks across the river at Clarence.

This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to
build a bridge across that river.

John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the
chance to cross over and "whip Clarence's butt."

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes.

His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge
and "whip Clarence's butt?"

He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't
realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign:
....."CLARENCE 8 FT 3 IN"

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
BADABING!!..BADABING!!..BADABONG!!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


From our resident punster, Stan Kegel:

What do you call the propensity to continually shoot oneself in the back
of the foot?
I KILL THESE TENDONS, SEE. (Achilles tendoncy) (By Alan Combs)

What is it called when you arrange a romantic rendezvous with your eye
doctor?
AN OPTOMETRYST  (By Gary Hallock)

The extremely myopic tribe from ancient Lebanon are known as ...
PHOENICIAN BLINDS (By Stan Kegel)

What type of vehicle should you drive if you wish to have some influence
over the amount of precipitation that falls? (not a brand name)
AN ALTER RAIN VEHICLE  (By Gary Hallock)

The infamous junk e-mailer was finally caught!  While being questioned
by authorities, he "claimed" he didn't know anything about it.  You
could say he had a convenient case of what?
SPAMNESIA (By Tiff Wimberly)

What medication do you give a sneezing snake?
AN ANTI-HISS-TAMINE (By David Bunch)

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SCREAM OF THE CROP JOKES & QUOTES
Nov. 27

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Today's jokes sponsored by Boardwatch Magazine

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From jesusfreke85@... (Chris P)
=Bits &Bytes...=-

I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an
inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a
noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined,"
a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to
do mouse-to-mouse?"
-==-
"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight
from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?" said
the other man. "How much memory does it take up?"
"Very little," replied the first man. "Just two bytes."

-==-
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids.
I hear they take nine months to download."

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From Rubin:

++  The New Priest  ++

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka in a  water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a
sip."  So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's  advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He
proceeded to talk up a storm.  Upon return to his office after mass, he
found the following note on his door:

1.  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3.  There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6.  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7.  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and Spook.

8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9.  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.

10.  We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.  When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he  said, "Take this
and eat it, for it is my body", he did not  say, "Eat me."

12.  The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".

13.  The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,thanks
for the grub, yeah God!"

14.  Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's,
not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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From Stan Kegel <kegel@...>

The husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing
his teeth. "Ooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the
little thread did its work.

Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into the
bathroom and gave him a swift kick.

Bewildered, the husband demanded, " What was that for?

"I'm sorry, " his wife replied stiffly, . . . "but I just don't believe
in sighing flossers."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

               WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING
                 By MARY RITA SCHILKE KORZAN

When you thought I wasn't looking you hung my first painting on the
refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another.

When you thought I wasn't looking you fed a stray cat, and I thought it
was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking you baked a birthday cake just for me,
and I knew that little things were special things.

When you thought I wasn't looking you said a prayer, and I believed
there was a God that I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn't looking you kissed me good-night, and I felt
loved.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I
learned that sometimes things hurt--but that it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking you smiled, and it made me want to
look that pretty, too.

When you thought I wasn't looking you cared, and I wanted to be
everything I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking--I looked . . . and wanted to say
thanks for all those things you did when you thought I wasn't looking.


This is from the book... "Stories for the Heart" Compiled by Alice Gray
Multnomah Books (If you like "Bits & Pieces" and the "Chicken  Soup"
books, you'll LOVE this one.)

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SCREAM OF THE CROP JOKES & QUOTES
Nov. 24

Please visit my sponsors and get yourself some free stuff just by
clicking.


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clinics recommend Tempur-Pedic mattresses.  Request a FREE "Better
Sleep" video and a FREE sample of the revolutionary Tempur-Pedic
material.

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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be
anywhere else.
   Len Wein

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

From Rich Grise:

This is stolen from some stand-up comic:

The IRS says I owe them $15,000.00. I think I'll send them a hammer and
a toilet seat.



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From:  Peggy Evans

There was this guy who hated his wife and wanted her murdered.  He was
talking to his friend Artie about it.  Artie said, "I'll kill her for
you" The guy says "how much do I need to pay you?"  Artie says "I'll do
it for a dollar"  In amazement the guy says "why so cheap?"  To which
Artie replies, "because I hate her as much as you do!"  The deal was
made, but the guy warned Artie..."you can't use a gun, she lives in a
condo, you"ll have to use brute force, or a knife, something quiet."

Artie, being a former body builder says, "no prob."  On the designated
day, Artie silently steals into the condo.  Suddenly, he heard a knock
at the door.  He quickly opened the door and there stood the postman.
Artie felt he had no choice so he killed  him....strangled him to death.

As he was creeping down the hallway, he came across the maid in a back
bedroom, and of course he had to strangle her too!  Finally he found the
wife in the den, and completing his agreement, strangled her to death.

But he left his fingerprints eveywhere, so he was arrested and charged.
And do you know what the headlines in the next day's paper read?
ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR!!
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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From Michael Kovalcik

Hi Shara,

I'm sending a really cute story that I read in an addition of Reader's
Digest a few years ago and liked so much that I have a copy of it stuck
on my refridgerator so I can reread it from time to time.  It's a little
long, but I think you'll enjoy it.


'Bending the laws of probability and...GETTING CONNECTED
Condensed from "THOSE NOT-SO-STILL SMALL VOICES" (by) Thom Hunter

My wife Lisa and I were struggling to put out the weekly newspaper we
had dedicated ourselves to producing in Guthrie, Okla.  I wrote, and
Lisa sold ads.  Many nights we'd work well past midnight as the rest of
the town and our children slept.

On one such night, we crawled into bed only to crawl back out a few
hours later.  I ate my cereal, drank a large soda, then headed toward
Oklahoma City and the printer.  Lisa matched our five children to socks
and sent the older three off to school with lunch bags in hand.  I was
so tired I had no business driving.  Lisa was so tired she had no
business doing anything.

"It's 70 degrees, and the sun is shining. Another beautiful day," the
disc jockey said cheerily on the car radio.  I ignored him.

What I couldn't ignore was the need created by the large soft drink.  I
realized I'd never make it to the city, so I pulled into the rest stop
on the interstate just a few miles from our house.

In her exhausted state, meanwhile, Lisa was practicing an
all-too-familiar art form:  calling utility companies, explaining why
the payment was late and begging for one more day of hot water and air
conditioning.  She looked up the number and dialed -she thought- the
electric company.

As I stepped from the car at the rest stop, I heard the public pay phone
ringing. I was the only person there, but I still looked all around.
"Somebody answer the phone," I shouted, just like at home.

It HAD to be the wrongest of wrong numbers, I thought.  Then I heard
myself say, "Why not?"  I walked to the phone and picked up the
receiver.

"Hello?" I said.

Silence.  Followed by a shriek.

"Thom!  What on earth are you doing at the electric company?"

"Lisa?  What on earth are you doing calling the pay phone at a rest
stop?"

We went through "I can't believe this" all the way to "this is
down-right spooky."  I expected Rod Serling to come walking past to the
"Twilight Zone" theme.

We stayed on the phone, and our exclamations changed to conversation,
without interruption - our first in a long time.  We even talked about
the electric bill.  I told her to get some sleep, and she told me to
wear my seat belt and lay off soda.

Still, I didn't want to hang up.  We'd shared a wondrous experience.
Even though the numbers of the electric company and the pay phone
differed by only one digit, that I was there when Lisa called was so far
beyond probability we could only suppose God knew we both needed, more
than anything else that morning, each other's voices.  He connected us.

That call was the beginning of a subtle change in our family.  We both
wondered how we had become so devoted to our work that we could leave
our children with a stranger to put them to bed.  How could I sit across
the breakfast table and never say good morning?

Two years later, we were out of the business that had so dominated our
lives, and I had a new job - with the telephone company.  Now, tell me
God doesn't have a sense of humor.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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SCREAM OF THE CROP JOKES & QUOTES
An early Nov. 22

Today's Fun sponsored by award-winning author Shara Rendell-Smock:

Special holiday offer THROUGH THIS MONTH
Shara Rendell-Smock  **Autographed**  Books at a drastic reduction.

* Getting Hooked: Fiction's Opening Sentences 1950s-1990s ($7.95 retail)
Only $6 per copy, signed AND postage paid.

* Living with Big Cats ($11.95 retail) only $8 each, signed AND postage
paid.

You could finish your gift giving with these.

Check out details at this web site, then email her for simple ordering
info. http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Agora/2859

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

"Top 21 Ways To Make A Woman Fall In Love With You"

1. Call her the next day.
2. Always laugh at her jokes.
3. Tell her (truthfully) that you can't wait to see her again.
4. Offer her a backrub, without asking for one in return.
5. Call her just to say you were thinking about her.
6. Bring her a teddy bear and chicken soup when she's sick.
7. Write her a poem.
8. Slow dance with her (not only on a dance floor).
9. Bring her flowers for no reason.
10. Send her a (handwritten) letter just to say hello.
11. Always remember your anniversaries and bring her something sweet.
12. Kiss her in the middle of a sentence.
13. Take her for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars.
14. Tell her something about you that no one else knows.
15. Remind her that you still think she's beautiful.
16. Take a bubble bath together.
17. Watch a sappy movie with her.
18. Surprise her with a candle light dinner.
19. Never stop trying to impress her.
20. Tell her you love her (truthfully! - LadyHawke)
21. Never forget how much she means to you.


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The Old Golfer (contributed by Ryan Pinto)

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

  "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten  so bad I
couldn't see where the ball went."

  "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his  wife, "Why
don't you take my brother Scott along?"

  "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"  protested
Jack.

  "But he's got perfect eyesight.  He could watch your ball,"  Tracy
pointed out.

  The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.  Jack  swung, and the
ball disappeared down the middle of the  fairway.  "Do you see it?"
asked Jack.

  "Yup," Scott answered.

  "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

  "I forgot."
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

(Thanks, Scotty.)

What goes clippety clop, bang bang, clippety clop, bang bang?

An Amish drive-by.

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From SnowFire97@... An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase
made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or
phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!

Dormitory = Dirty Room
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Look out. Punny riddles ahead! Stan Kegel  kegel@...

57.  What snake could serve female Siamese twins as an undergarment?

58.  What do you call a Salvation Army volunteer who approaches patrons
between acts of a play?

59.  What is wrong with a attractive aging transgressing feline that
suddenly loses the ability to use her voice drinking quinine water?

60. We already know that fish worshipers are Ichtheologists. Where do
Alaskan Ichtheologians do their schooling?

61.  What mathematical term would help cover a mermaid?

62.  What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever
there is a full moon?

>

>

>

>

57.  A co-bra (By Alan Combs)

58.  An intermissionary (By Stan Kegel)

59.  A-cute cat-a-tonic purr-senility sin-drome. (By Stan Kegel)

60.  In the salmonary (By Gary Hallock)

61.  An algae-bra (By Van's Camp)

62.  A Weirdo (were-doe) (By Stan Kegel)

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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SCREAM OF THE CROP
Nov. 20

Today's jokes are possible through the sponsors. Please check them out.
Thanks.

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This is a blast! Thanks, Sheila, you dirty modern woman!

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask
you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you
think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is
still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12
beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal
tea.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man
gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young
guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older
men.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without
looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not
true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible
shoes.

An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already
attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about
committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another
clingy, whiny, dependent man.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are
an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing,
just in case it means you might break up with her.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the
two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you
will probably be the last to know...

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you
when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her."  She's using you!

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you
up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the
phone, for you to call...

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut
Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger
woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get
any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair,
because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they
have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear
underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a
strip-tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.
Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that
they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with
you in the middle of the night in a public park.

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12
beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to
grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to
screw you too.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on
an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her
youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.


Ah hmm. Guess I need to clear my throat before placing this ad here!

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
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revolutionary Tempur-Pedic material.

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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

From Jim Arnett jimarn@... from Christine H, friend from IN,
[Mom-2-B after a trip to China - Go, Chris!]


DRIVE YOUR KARMA -- CURB YOUR DOGMA

Swami Beyondananada's Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment

1. Be a Fundamentalist -- ensure that the Fun always comes before the
Mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be
cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in
the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive
twice a day, which will ensure reguhilarity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for
entering, so you are already a winner!

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That's
where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if
we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel.

4. Life is like photography -- you use the negative to develop.

5. It is true: As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought
particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition
called "truth decay." Be sure to use mental floss twice a day, and when
you're tempted to practice 'tantrum yoga,' remember what we teach in the
Swami's Absurdiveness Training Class: DON'T GET EVEN, GET ODD.

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly
live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you and you no mad at me.
That way there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. Peace begins with
each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there. Pretty soon all
the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if
you're looking to avoid earthquakes my advice is simple: When you find a
fault don't dwell on it.

8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet
train the world and we'll never have to change it again.

9. If you're looking for the key to the Universe I've got some good news
and some bad news. The bad news: There is no key to the Universe. The
good news: It was never locked.

10. Finally, everything I've told you is channeled. That way, if you
don't like it, it's not my fault. But remember: Enlightenment is not a
bureaucracy, so you don't have to go through channels.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Visit the home of Scream of the Crop
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Agora/2859


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LEGAL STUFF: You must be over 18 to subscribe to this list.   These
pieces are published as submitted and I do not claim to own any
copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent as an item for the
mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any  of the material,
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Credit will be given. If the author of a piece is known, credit will
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SCREAM OF THE CROP JOKES & QUOTES
Nov. 17

Please visit my sponsors and get yourself some free stuff just by
clicking.


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Sleep" video and a FREE sample of the
revolutionary Tempur-Pedic material.

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mailto:smock@...

Currently we have 2,477 subscribers globally!

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

From my current read-- Loren D. Estleman's newest mystery, The
Witchfinder.

"You have to respect a woman first because respect is likely to be all
you wind up with at the finish."

***************
From Jean Melilli:

An Amish gentleman and his 10-year-old son visited a shopping mall.
They were particularly awed by an elevator.  They watched in utter
amazement as a woman, stooped with age and walking with a cane entered
the small room where the doors had opened by themselves, then magically
closed.  Lights began to flash above the doors. Several seconds passed,
when the doors magically opened again and out stepped an absolutely
gorgeous, healthy young woman.  The man blinked a couple of times, then
said, "Son, go get your mother."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
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Everything ends up okay. If it's not okay, it's not over yet. ---Unknown

Tis the good reader that makes the good book.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Great Spirits Have Always Encountered Violent Opposition From Mediocre
Minds" - Albert Einstein

Be not afraid of going SLOWLY.
Be afraid only of STANDING STILL.

"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life
delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your
situation might be, you can survive it."  - Bill Cosby

To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived,
that is to have succeeded. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
From Rubin:

$$   YOUR TAX DOLLARS   $$

Last month I read  the 14 volume US Budget, agreed upon Friday, October
16th by the House and Senate Committees, and approved by the White
House.

These items approved in the Budget received no recognition by the
politicians taking TV bows, and congratulating each other, on camera :

$240,000 grant for development of a two-headed Stethoscope.
$615,000 for renovation of a skating rink in Plattsburg, NY.
$26,500 grant for improving the packaging of fly paper.
$112,350 for brass polish for Marine Corps band servicing the White
House.
$84,425 printing allocation for posters to commemorate Bernard W.
Trencher, the first settler of Muskegon Heights, MI.
$7,200,000 refund of a fine paid by Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines, in
connection with their admission of dumping bunker oil at sea, off the
Florida coast.
$1,200,000 special allocation to the Dept. of Agriculture to commence a
feasibility study of commercial applications of peach seeds.
$836,000 travel and expense allocation for the Ormond Group to conduct a
Leprosy  Mission to India.
$520,000 grant to Tufts University to develop a program of retraining,
and healing of injuries related to ballet performers.
$312,500 for a sculpture and memorial tablet of Princess Diana, to be
erected in Lake Ozark, Missouri.
$4,850,000 grant to Booz, Allen & Hamilton, Inc. to study the
possibility of setting up a central Email system for rural Post Offices.
$770,000 grant to the College of the Pacific to study the effects of
the1994 devaluation of the Mexican peso, and it's effect on the US ball
bearing industry.
$2,075,000 to establish The Skateboard Hall of Fame in Palo Alto, CA.
$425,000 special allocation to the Smithsonian to purchase the baseball
hit by Babe Ruth as his 60th home run.
$3,000,000 allocation to the District of Columbia to promote a Miss
District of Columbia Pageant in year 2000.
$6,700,000 grant awarded to Medi-Care First Corp. to study the
feasibility of reusable elastic stockings.
$5,325,000 allocation to the National Institute of Health to study
alcohol consumption on college campuses.
$14,000,000 special grant to the Dominican Republic as hurricane relief.
$12,600  to replace the waffle irons in the Congressional dining room.

......and an interesting $3.5 BILLION rescue of  Long-Term Capital
Markets, L.P., a private hedge fund limited partnership based in
Greenwich, CT.

Hey....it's only your tax money.....not mine.

.......Researched by rubin


<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
The CHUCKELIST

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         The Truck Stop (Pun)

   From:  Stan Kegel <kegel@...>


A friend of mine had been at a truck stop getting some lunch., The food
was good, prices reasonable, and the service fairly good. After
finishing his meal, he and his companion were drinking coffee and
talking, and noticed their waitress talking to one of the customers at
the lunch counter. He wanted a refill and wasn't able to catch her eye,
but did notice that the customer seemed to be a friend of hers. Just as
he was about to get up and ask for a cup he noticed her laughing at
something her friend said. Then she
reached into the pocket of her uniform, pulled out her 'pack of
cigarettes, and gave one to her friend. Well, Cleve says he never had a
chance to stand up, let alone ask for another cup of coffee, for just
then two highway patrolmen seated on the other side of him flew to their
feet, knocking over their chairs, and just about knocked him down
getting to the waitress. As one was cuffing her, the other was reading
her her rights. The poor girl was flabbergasted, but was finally able to
ask what the matter was. The one who had read her her rights cited some
portion of the penal code by number, but
she just looked even more confused. The other patrolman, perhaps feeling
a little friendlier, turned to her and said, Ma'am, you're being charged
. . . with contributing to the malignancy of a diner." (By Cleve Farvin)

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SCREAM OF THE CROP
Nov. 15

Today's Fun sponsored by ME (Shara Rendell-Smock):

Many of you are unaware that I'm a published author.  Right now I'm
running a special holiday offer --My **Autographed** Books at a drastic
reduction.

Getting Hooked: Fiction's Opening Sentences 1950s-1990s ($7.95 retail)
Only $6 per copy, signed AND postage paid.

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You could finish your gift giving with these.

Check out details at my site, then email me for ordering info.  Thanks!
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***********************************************************************

From: Judib@...

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me and always she was correct.  But it was fun for
me, so I continued.

At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you
should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
See Back issues at http://www.egroups.com/list/scream_of_the_crop
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
From Lloyd:

If  I could catch a rainbow
I would do it just for you
And share with you it's beauty
on the days you're feeling blue.
If I could build a mountain
you could call your very own
A place to find serenity
A place to be alone.......
If I could take your troubles
I would toss them out to sea

But all these things I'm finding are impossible for me.
I cannot build a mountain
or catch a rainbow fair
But let me be what I know best
A FRIEND THAT'S ALWAYS THERE.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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From Tim McClintock via Bill's Punch Line

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a  contest with
God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin.
They type  furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the
screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,
taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and
God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show   what he
has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing!  I
lost it all when  the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is
astonished. He stutters, "But how?!  I lost everything yet Jesus'
program is intact!  How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

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How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Home, by Sandy Hubley

During disagreements attempt to use the garage door opener as a stun
gun. Tell your spouse he/she is just lucky it didn't come with
batteries.

Tell unwelcome guests that the baby digests better if you toss him up in
the air right after a meal.

On the family's shared home computer, add 147 bookmarks relating to the
IRS, record a cough as an alert signal, and rename all the files using
anagrams of each person's name because "they're easier to find that
way."

Have your spouse/child/parent paged at the mall and ask if we need any
milk.

Make dental appointments for each family member on their birthdays so
they won't forget.
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Another from Judib:

It is harder to conceal ignorance than to acquire knowledge.

*****************************************************************
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SCREAM OF THE CROP
Nov. 13


If you are enjoying Scream of the Crop, pass it on.  Tell your friends
that they, too, can subscribe to this free joke mail 3 times weekly
(Sun., Tues., & Fri.) by sending a blank
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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
From Andrew Hill:

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the
waitress came by amazement of all as the Scotsman was heard to say,
"I'll pay it!" He actually did.

The next day's news item: "Jewish ventriloquist found murdered in alley
behind restaurant."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Visit the home of Scream of the Crop
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Agora/2859

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
From Kelli:

These three guys go down to some Latin American country one night and
get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be
executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they've
done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has
any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I
believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the
innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God
must not want this guy to die, so we better let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the
University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of
justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch
and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's
side, so they better let him go too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Fightin' Texas Aggie
Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never
electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Jokes EveryDay Mailing List is a FREE daily e-mail Joke list for the
whole family! The Whole Family can enjoy the funny and CLEAN jokes that
we send to the list! They will have you laughing for hours! Subscribe
today! You won't regret it! Remember the Joke List is totally FREE! No
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From Milissa Sayre:

Three blondes decided to take a nature walk through the woods. Soon they
came across some track.

The first blonde exclaimed, "Look! Bear tracks!"

"No, they're not," said the second blonde. "They're deer tracks."

Then the third blonde…got hit by the train.


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From Stan Kegel <kegel@...>

A girl went to an ophthalmologist for an eye examination.

After he had completed his tests, the doctor said, "You do need glasses.
Be sure to come back after your wedding."

"Why can't I have them now?" the girl asked.

"Because, Miss," said the doctor sternly, . . . "I don't believe in
specs before marriage."
  (By Richard Guttman)

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

See past issues at http://www.egroups.com/list/scream_of_the_crop/

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The Healing Network. Shark cartilage has been proven to halt a wide
range of cancers dead in their tracks. Here are true-life stories and
important information from a leading doctor. And there's much more free
information you can request by mail. A Shark Could Save Your Life! FREE
Information now!
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SCREAM OF THE CROP
Nov. 10

Today's jokes sponsored by the Catalog Request Center

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From my friend, Margie, who runs Face to Face Communication,
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Gallery/4111

Life is so complicated. I don't get it. For instance-take bananas.
They're green for a month, ripe for about 12 minutes and then mushy and
brown forever. I mean, sometimes I can't go out because my bananas are
about to be ripe!" from 1997 Australian film, Hotel du Love

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The Weather is Here... Wish You Were Beautiful...

"In my opinion, she is one of the nicest and greatest women who ever
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From Wayne Barney of Peoria, IL. His page is
http://hrn.bradley.edu/members/wbarney/INDEX.HTM

HEAVEN

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They
were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died
before they arrived.  Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the
American, he stirred and opened his eyes.  Astonished, the doctors and
nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing
at the gates of heaven.  St. Peter approached us and said that we were
all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to
the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and
the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the
other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the
price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
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Pun from Stan Kegel, kegel@...

The Dog Star

To celebrate Canada's Centennial year of 1967, Vancouver, British
Columbia, built a magnificent planetarium that has played to standing
room audiences since it opened. Many of its visitors are students of
secondary schools, and one school decided to produce a play wherein the
student players would enact the roles of heavenly bodies.

The teacher who had written the play, chose her cast and awarded the
roles to those who would play the Sun and the planets in the galaxies.
Shirley, devoted to astronomy, was given the part of a minor planet, but
she wanted only the key part of the Dog Star, one of the sky's brightest
stars.

Shirley tried everything. She importuned. She was tearful. She ranted,
and when she finally began a campaign of remarks disparaging to the girl
who did get the part, the exasperated teacher finally stopped all her
arguments, shouting, ... "Shirley, you can't be Sirius!" (By Himie
Koshevoy)

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
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*************************************
LEGAL STUFF: You must be over 18 to subscribe to this list.   These
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Credit will be given. If the author of a piece is known, credit will
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SCREAM OF THE CROP

Nov. 8

Today's jokes sponsored by

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From Sally Bahner, a friend from the Cat Writers Assn.:

Creation and Cats

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as
potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for
the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or
might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy
and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the
litterbox.


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*
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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


A friend is one who sees through your act and still enjoys the show.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Someone sent me this recently. I'm sorry, but I do not recall who it
was.

I c e   C r e a m   i s   G o o d   f o r   t h e  S o u l

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six year old son asked
if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good.  God
is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if mom
gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers, nearby I heard a woman
remark "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even
know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong?"
  As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God
was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
  He winked at my son and said,

"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?"  my son asked.
"Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the
woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never
asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul
sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son
stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over
and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,
"Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my
soul is good already."

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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods
on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes
across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf
ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds
to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well,
you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three
wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the
leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he
was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something
for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him
unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same
course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and
goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same
little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and
might I ask how your golf game is?"

"It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my
hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

"I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The
golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice
a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or twice a
week?"

"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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SCREAM OF THE CROP
Nov. 6

Today's Fun sponsored by:

FAMILY POINT
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whole family can use - Worldwide! Sign up NOW - It's FREE!
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***********************************************************************
Posted From:  Kitty's Daily Mews
Genuine proof that cats have a sense of humor!
Subscribe to Kitty's Daily Mews (Clean Humor)
Or to Litter Box Mews (Offensive Humor)
send email to sub-info@...
For an aMEWsingly good time visit: http://www.katscratch.com

  **
Here is one from Kitty's Daily Mews

MIND GAMES FOR DOGS TO PLAY WITH HUMANS

*After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel you dry!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself on the sheets. This
is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.

*Act like a convicted criminal. When your humans come home, put your
ears back, with tail between your legs and chin down, and act as if you
have done something really bad. Then, watch
as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you
have caused. Note: This works best when you have done absolutely nothing
wrong.

*Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then
the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at
the humans.  Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

*Help your humans learn patience. When you go outside to 'pee', sniff
around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you
choose to pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

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Sandy Lindsey is ecstatically happy to announce that "Doggone Funny:  A
Book of Canine Humor" is now available through Barnes & Noble Online,
Amazon.com,
or by calling (800)  553-2061.  American Homeowner magazine calls
Doggone
Funny the "Funniest book we've read in years.  Sandy is a bright new
shining star in the world of humor."


10 TRAITS YOU DON'T WANT IN YOUR NEW PUPPY*

1. He dries himself on your bed sheets after a bath.

2. He barks uproariously at doorbells on TV, but doesn't make a sound
when a stranger comes to your door.

3. He not only wants to sleep in bed with you but wants to share your
pillow as well.

4. Or worse, he wants your pillow all to himself.

5. He barks in the middle of the night to let you know that he's thirsty
and you've left the commode lid down.

6. He is more attracted to your fishing lures than any fish ever were.

7. He loves to roll in the motor oil drip spot in your garage and then
go straight to bed -- your bed.

8. He confuses your $10 a roll Christmas wrapping paper with his potty
papers.

9. He becomes romantically involved with the ankles of your dinner
guests.

10. He thinks of your cat as a chew toy.

*Exerpt from Doggone Funny

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Medical humor contributed by Tom Ervin to Jolene's Daily Humor.
jolene@...

  The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated
by physicians...

      * Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.

      * Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
would like to work her up.

      * She is numb from her toes down.

      * While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

      * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.

      * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.

      * On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.

      * She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was very hot in bed last night.

      * The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.

      * Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

      * I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and
then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the
floor.

      * The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

      * Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

      * The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr.
Blank to dispose of him.

      * Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

      * The patient refused an autopsy.

      * The patient has no past history of suicides.

      * The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

      * Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

      * The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

      * She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

      * The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of
breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex
which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

      * The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

      * The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

      * The skin was moist and dry.

      * Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

      * Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

      * Patient was alert and unresponsive.

      * When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


*********************************************************
RANTINGS OF A MAD CLOWN

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You know he's mad because he's giving them for FREE!

Send your email address to: comedyland@...

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I know I said although I enjoy the Clinton jokes, I wouldn't be using
them, this one I couldn't pass up. From keyman:

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admission policy.  The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven you
had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would
go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01, the
first person came to the gates of Heaven.  The Angel at the
gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let
you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said.  I came home to my 25th floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight; immediately I began searching for him. My wife was
half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The
nerve of that guy!  Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his
fingers until he fell to the ground.  But wouldn't you know it, he
landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he
didn't die.  This ticked me off even more.  In a rage, I went back
inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.  I
unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the
side.  It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!  The excitement of the
moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost
instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment.  Technically, the guy did have
a bad day.  It was a crime of passion.  So, the Angel announces, "OK
sir.  Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up.  To the Angel's surprise it
was Vernon Jordan.  "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died."

Jordan said, "No problem.  But you're not going to believe this. I was
on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.  I
had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress.  I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side!  Luckily, I was able to catch myself by
my fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy
man comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my
fingers.  Well, of course I fell.  I hit some trees and bushes at the
bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right
away.

"As I'm laying there, face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator--of all
things--off the balcony.  It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me,
killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well
sir," the Angel announces.  "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he
lets Vernon enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate.  The Angel
is almost too shocked to speak.  Thoughts of assassination and war pour
through the Angel's head.  Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell
me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this.  I'm naked inside a refrigerator. . ."

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From jesusfreke85@...  (Chris P)

Little Boy in Thunder Storm

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her small boy into bed.  She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.  "I can't dear," she
said.  "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."  A long silence was broken at
last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

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SCREAM OF THE CROP
Nov. 3


Warning:  Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

******************************************************************
Visit the home of Scream of the Crop
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Agora/2859/jokes.htm

******************************************************************
A friend of mine asked me if my Halloween costume was a pun.
I told her it was.  I had a shirt and tie, camouflage pants and combat
boots.

I was a lower GI.

Tom Schleier
******************************************************************

From Sally Bahner:

A couple is at home watching a football game on TV when the wife
interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been
flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the
light. Does it look like I have "GE" written on my forehead? I don't
think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close securely." To
which he replied, "Fix the fridge door. Does it look like I have
"Westinghouse" written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says. "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front
door? They're about to break." "Fix the steps," he says. "Does it look
like I have "Ace Hardware" written on my forehead? I don't think so.
I've had enough of this. I'm going out for a drink."

So he heads out to the local tavern and drinks for a couple hours. He
starts to feel guilty
about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As
he walks into the house, he notices the front steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he notices that the hall light is working. As he
goes to the fridge to get a beer, he notices the door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.  Just then a
nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do
all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a
cake."

Her husband said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?

"Bake a cake?!  Does it look like I have "Sara Lee" written on my
forehead?...... I don't think so."

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From Peaches

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie
said "OK,OK. You released me from the lamp, ... blah blah blah... This
is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these
wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick.
So, could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to
visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics
of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!  No, think of another
wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally he
said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said I
don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand
women ... know what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, know why they are crying, know what they want when
they say 'nothing'...." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes
or four?"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Want to subscribe to some of the funniest jokes online?
Click below to sign up for Al's Laugh Your Ass Off.
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?31

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Another from Peaches:

TEN SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS LEARNED YOUR INTERNET PASSWORD

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
9. Traces of kitty litter on your keyboard.
8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
<<alt.recreational.catnip>>.
7. Your web browser has a new home page:
<http://www.feline.com/>.
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of
"CyberDog."
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and
WarCat II.
2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 sign your cat has learned your Internet password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Here's a riddle your kids may like:

Ten human body parts consist of 3-letter words. (Ans. At end.)

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
From Kelli:

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get
to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts
back, "You are on the other side."

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From Stan Kegel <kegel@...>

There was concern in the House of Lords when John  Greenleaf announced
his marriage to May Dolittle. After all, he was the Duke of Somerset,
the current peer from a long family of dukes, and she was not only a
commoner, but had been a London cabaret entertainer, whose humor tended
to be somewhat, shall we say, risque. But they were obviously in love,
and the Queen, herself, had given her blessings.

         It was, therefore, with some apprehension, that his peers
attended the Greenleaf's first formal dinner after returning from their
honeymoon in the Bahamas.

         At the dinner table, May would entertain the guests with one of
her stories that had made her famous. To every ones surprise, John who
had previously been considered prosaic and formal,  would respond with a
joke of his own, which was every bit as funny, even more so because it
was so unexpected. May would make a pun, and John would follow with a
few of his own. After the first few minutes, everyone was having the
time of their life and sharing in the festivities of the occasion.

         By the time the evening was over, everyone agreed they found . .
.  Dame May Whitty but John Greenleaf Whittier.  (By Stan Kegel based on
a pun by Richard Lederer)

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Ewwwww…

From Rubin:

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made
its appearance it was dark and had an afro.

The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?" She
said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes" he replied.

Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept
with an oriental man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes" she said, "but only
once." "Once is all it takes," he said.

When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had
ever slept with an Indian and she said, "only once" and he replied that
that was all it took. Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped
its bottom to make it cry.

"Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"

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One more embarrassing moment:  I am on the indoor guard team, which does
things with flags, and rifles, like throwing them. (You might know this
as a silks or drill team.) We were at our last competition, which was
our biggest- people from all over the area. In the beginning of our
routine, we threw the rifles, a relatively easy thing to do. Well, I
lost control of the rifle, and it hit me in the head, knocking me out.
The next thing I knew, I was lying on the gym floor, with almost
everyone on the team hovering over me. I decided not to do the rest of
the routine.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The human body's 10 parts that consist of 3-letter words:

jaw
arm
leg
hip
lip
ear
eye
gum
rib
toe


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SCREAM OF THE CROP
Nov. 1

Today's themes-Epitaph Panning and the Embarrassing Moments subscribers
(and I) contributed.


Today's jokes courtesy of The Healing Network®

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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

This just in from Chocolate.

Tomorrow is Plan Your Epitaph Day.

This twice a year holiday (celebrated April 6 and November 2) is
dedicated to the idea that a forgettable gravestone is a fate worse than
death.
http://www.hardiehouse.org/epitaph/index.html

So, with a little planning and forethought you to can have a gravestone
in the same league as W.C. Fields ("On the whole, I'd rather be in
Philadelphia") and Shakespeare ("...Curst be he that moves my bones.")

Some epitaphs for inspiration:

Here lies the body
Of Margaret Bent
She kicked up her heels
And away she went.

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas pedal
Instead of the brake

"That's All Folks"
MEL BLANC
Man of 1000 Voices
Beloved Husband and Father
1908 - 1989

She always said her feet were killing her but nobody
believed her.

Jefferson Davis
At Rest
An American Soldier
And Defender of the Constitution
  (1808-1889)

I TOLD you I was sick!

A Browser's Collection of Epitaphs
http://www.best.com/~gazissax/silence/epitaphs/index.html

Daily Holiday is a seven day a week e-mail that provides reasons to
celebrate something every day!  It is totally free and we will never
sell our membership listing to anyone for any amount of money or
chocolate!

To join, chocolate's Daily Holiday, send an email to:
join-dailyholiday@...


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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Let's start off our Embarrassing Moments section with a famous one:

From: cs-text-weekday-reply@...

                         Don't Punish Every Mistake

In one of my assignments as a young infantry officer, I was sent to the
48th Infantry near Frankfurt, Germany. In those days our prize weapon
was a huge 280-mm atomic cannon.  Guarded by infantry platoons, these
guns were hauled around the forests on trucks to keep the Soviets from
guessing their location.

One day Captain Tom Miller assigned my platoon to guard a 280. I alerted
my men, loaded my .45 caliber pistol and jumped into my jeep. I had not
gone far when I realized that my .45 was gone.

I was petrified. In the army, losing a weapon is serious business. I had
no choice but to radio Captain Miller and tell him. "You what?" he said
in disbelief. He paused a few seconds, then added, "All right, continue
the mission."

When I returned, uneasily contemplating my fate, Miller called me over.
"I've got something for you," he said, handing me the pistol. "Some kids
in the village found it
where it fell out of your holster."

"Kids found it?" I felt a cold chill.

"Yeah," he said. "Luckily they only got off one round before we heard
the shot and took the gun away." The disastrous possibilities left me
limp. "For God's sake, son, don't let that happen again."

He drove off. I checked the magazine and found it was full. The gun had
not been fired. Later I learned that I had dropped it in my tent before
I ever got started. Miller had fabricated the scene about the kids to
give me a good scare.

Today the army might hold an investigation, call in lawyers and likely
enter a bad mark on my record. Miller gave me the chance to learn from
my mistake. His example of intelligent leadership was not lost on me.
Nobody ever got to the top without slipping up. When someone stumbles, I
don't believe in stomping on him. My philosophy is "Pick 'em
up, dust 'em off and get 'em moving again."

                     by Colin Powell
         from A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul
   Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Barry Spilchuk

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An Anonymous:
As a young secretary in a big prestigious company, I always jumped right
in and got the work done. Also made recommendations when I thought I had
a good idea.

When I'd booked a charter a flight one-way, for four execs (as
requested), I went a step beyond. I did the research and reported that
if they took a certain commercial connecting flight, it would save the
company big bucks. (The small charter plane was to meet them at some
airport when they got off an incoming flight.)

The prez of the co was impressed. Gave me the go ahead.

Always a multi-tasker, I had dozens of things going. But that's no
excuse for a major case of forgetting.

When the men came back from their trip I found out how it had gone.
Turns out I had forgotten to cancel the charter. Concentrating on
juggling other tasks, I hadn't even realized error on my own.

When the chairman of the board informed me of my mistake, I thought I'd
be fired. Instead, he told me not to worry about it. He knew this would
be a lifetime learning experience. I'll never forget that man's
kindness.

********************************************************************************\
****************

Shara: I had two elderly aunts, cousins to each other. They were old
when I was born.

I was about 12, when one day we happened to be looking at an old photo
album. I'd never seen these aunts as young women.

With a hushed voice of amazement, I said, "Aunt Verna! You were
Beautiful!"

Realizing how that sounded, I did a quick "Um, you were, too Aunt
Bernice."
********************************************************************************\
****************

An Anonymous: This first one happened to a friend of mine:

She had been recently divorced and a local radio station was trying to
play matchmaker. They offered a call in match service. You call and
answer some questions and they match you up with someone else. She
called and did the little quiz thing. They matched her up - with her EX!

This happened to me last week:

My boyfriend has said that many times when he sees me traveling the
roads that he will honk and wave and I always ingore him. (hey! I don't
flirt with strange people!) Well, he typically wears an aussie type hat,
wire rimmed glasses and his company car is a small white car. Well, last
week I heading home from work, using his big truck, and I'm stuck in
traffic. I notice a little white car coming my way, see a hat and wire
rim glasses. So, I honk, pucker up and do a kiss and bat my eyelashes.
It wasn't Bud! It wasn't even a man! Boy, I sure made her day!

********************************************************************************\
****************

Aunt Mary, a nice person but a cat hater, used to come over to my house
frequently. One day I arrived home from high school and there she was,
eating a bowl of cereal…from the cat's bowl.

"Do I tell her?… Well, she's only got a bite or so left. Guess I better
keep quiet."
(Shara)
********************************************************************************\
****************

An Anonymous:
I used to live in an apartment building on the 6th floor.  I had a
neighbor who was so cute that i was dying to find a way to meet him.  On
Sunday's, us girls always went to karaoke at our favorite bar on the
beach. I got pretty trashed and when they dropped me off I went up to my
floor, thought I was inside my apartment, took off my shoes(as always)
set them neatly by the door, and I thought I went to bed.  Early in the
morning my neighor woke me up, saying, "Maam, you should not sleep out
here in the hallway, it is not safe" IE: I met my neighbor and I was so
embarassed I never wanted to see him again. this is true and I can prove
it very easily.  P.S.  i never got drunk again either.

********************************************************************************\
****************

Shara: When I was 18 I lived in an apt. in a "cool" part of Chicago.
Unfortunately, in this bldg, apartments were lettered rather than
numbered. Imagine how many times I tried to order a pizza delivered to
<whatever #> Diversey, Apartment X.

Yes, looking back I should have said it used roman numerals and maybe I
wouldn't have gotten hung up on so much!
********************************************************************************\
****************

An Anonymous:
When I was younger .. I spent the night at my best friend's house.. The
males there were not properly trained like the males in my home..
Imagine getting up in the middle of the night.. in a strange house..
not turning on a light.. & finding urself sitting  IN the toilet because
the lid was up.. U shriek.. & then find urself surrounded by my friend's
family members… staring at u... in the middle of the night....  in their
toilet...
*****************

Shara: Oh, man. That reminds me of a similar moment I had.  I guess a
lot of us went through unusual situations in the night when we had
roommates. Yrs & yrs ago, rooming with a loose young woman (looser than
I was), she'd bring guys home to the apt.

Waking up in the middle of the night I had to use the bathroom. On my
way out of the bathroom, sleepy-eyed, & slow to react... wearing only
the top part of a flimsy "baby doll" pjs, exiting the bathroom, I came
face to face with some man I'd never seen. Startled, I could only stand
there like a sleepy idiot and say, "Oh. Oh. Oh..."

********************************************************************************\
****************

An Anonymous:
So you want my most embarrassing moment.....in a life filled with
them..I had
my most embarassing moment last week.....

I had just joined a new gym and they had just started Spinning
(stationary racing bike) classes.....well this particular day the
Instructor didn't show up...so I led the class(me(a male and 12
ladies)......well after class ,while everyone was talking in front of
the gym i got on my motorcycle to ride away...only problem was that i
forgot about the front wheel lock.....so i went two feet....then the
lock caught the wheel.....the bike fell over right on top of me....right
it front of everyone....now i'm known as the guy who can spin, but can't
ride a bike!!!!!
********************************************************************************\
****************

An Anonymous:
I have a story that is kind of unbelievable.  My brother and his
girlfriend were about 15 years old each when this happened.  My brother
and his girlfriend snuck into the bathroom of my aunt's house at a
family party when there was a knock on the door (bathroom).  Flustered
and scared of discovery, the girlfriend took a quick peek and popped out
of the bathroom while my brother hid in the bathtub.  Not quick enough
to run out before another could occupy the lavatory, he managed to keep
the curtain closed and wait out the visitor.  Unfortunately, it was a
long visit!  Well, his girlfriend now, apparently over the fear of
discovery and giddy with hysteria came to me in confidence to confess
the situation my brother was now involved in.  Of course being the
responsible elder sibling, I sprinted off to Mommy to tell her how her
"Doo-Doo Sniffing Son"  was occupying his time.  The best part of the
whole affair, is that while doo-doo sniffer was holding his breath and
hiding, the curtain was pulled back and he was seriously asked, " Do you
know where your aunt keeps the toilet paper?"

********************************************************************************\
****************

An Anonymous:
one that i can remember, was recently at a pep assembly (when i was a
freshman in high school), it was too loud to hear the person next to you
in spoken conversation, so my friend and I struck up a conversation in
american sign language.  her grandmother is an interpreter, so she grew
up knowing the language fluently, and I was relatively new at signing.
My signing wasn't too good, and sometimes I made really stupid mistakes.
anyway, I wanted to say that i had heard the dancers practicing the song
they were doing to that morning during theatre.  the sign for morning
just happens to be really similar to our regional sign for the f word,
but i had no way of knowing this.  my friend signed back "m-write
[that's my name sign] what do you mean by this?" and then she did the
sign i had used for morning.  I fingerspelled morning to her, and she
laughed and showed me what I had done wrong and what I had said.  i
still don't know the difference very well, and fingerspell morning out
of fear of making it wrong.  none of my other friends had ever
complained though, because they knew what I meant.

********************************************************************************\
****************

An anonymous:
Well, it all started on the last Day of March.  My friend Kristi had
found out that the guy she had been pen paling with was real obsessive
and controlling. So she called me and had me on the other line so she
could call by 3 way calling.  It was about 2 or 3 in the morning when we
called and we had gotten his answering machine.  Kristi left a message
and clicked over to me thinking that she hung up the line to his
machine.  Well, we proceeded to talk about how much of a nerd he was and
that he will never get a girl by treating her the way he treated
Kristi.  As we were talking and laughing and making so much fun of him
we heard a beep and realized that everything we had said was being
recorded on his machine.  We about died.  Kristi thought that if we
could figure out his password to his machine we could erase it.  No such
Luck.  So we decided to call back and leave another message  saying
"April Fools!"   He called Kristi the next morning telling her he had
gotten the messages and he really believed that we knew what we were
doing that night.  HOW DENSE!!! Needless to say, we have never heard
from him again.  Thank goodness.
********************************************************************************\
****************

An anonymous:
I had found some beautiful material at a sewing shop and wanted to make
a cute dress. I found a pattern where the shoulders were tied on both
sides of my neck - in bows - to form a "collar", of sorts. But, I
figured the bows would be too fussy around my neck, so I decided to put
some snaps on either side. Later that night, at a party at my parents'
house, I was playing with my 3-year old sister and had hoisted her above
my head. A guy I had just begun to go out with came in to have a few
laughs with us. I decided to put my sister down and, you guessed it -
the front on my dress came unsnapped, in front of my family and friends
and especially in front of my potential new beau. It was the reddest my
face ever got, as I had no bra on with that dress. Gaaaawwwwd! BTW, I
nearly married the fellow, if you're wondering. LOL

********************************************************************************\
****************

An anonymous: Celebrity Embarrassment

I got together with some friends the other night and went to a popular
local club in my city of Columbus, GA. Later in the night, after many
cocktails..I looked in the crowd and saw Frank Thomas, a famous baseball
player from Columbus. I told all my friends, "Look!! There's Frank
Thomas!" I became very excited and when the band saw him, they yelled,
"Frankkkk". I roamed the club and was armed with a pen and piece of
paper to get his signature. I found him standing at the bar and tapped
him on the shoulder..his HUGE guy turned around and saw me with the
paper and started smiling. I asked him if I could get his autograph and
he said, "Who do you think I am?" Thinking that he was trying to down
play his fame, I said "Come on..you are Frank Thomas." He said "No,
sweetie..Frank is about twice as big as I am" I just stood there in
embarassement, then told him that the autograph was for my boyfriend's
nephew who was a big fan and if he could forge the signature...then, he
really started laughing. The guy could have been his twin!!! When I went
back to the table, I told all of my friends what had happened and got
even more embarrassed.

********************************************************************************\
****************

An Anonymous:
One of my most em-bare-assing moments was in like sixth grade; I used to
read the encyclopedia for fun at the age of 10 or so, and I had just
heard about palindromes, those things that are the same backwards and
frontwards, for example, "Madam I'm Adam" and "Able was I ere I saw
Elba." Well, "level" was in this item I had read, and coincidentally,
the very next day, "level" was one of the words in the spelling test. I
was so excited about just having learned about palindromes (I didn't
know the word "palindrome" at the time, just that it was so neat that it
was spelled the same way backwards and frontwards) that I blurted out in
front of 29 other sixth-graders and the teacher: "There's a really
interesting thing about the word "level" - it's spelled L-E-V-E-L
frontwards and backwards!" The teacher about sh-t, and everybody in the
class laughed, and I wanted to die when it hit me, like a bolt of
lightning, that we were in the middle of a spelling test.

This is one of thousands, but the one that came to mind first.

********************************************************************************\
****************

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SCREAM OF THE CROP

Oct. 30-Happy Halloween, everyone.

The Embarrassing Moments Issue is coming up Nov. 1.


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that they, too, can subscribe to this free joke mail 3 times weekly
(Sun., Tues., & Fri.) by sending a blank email to
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From wbarney@... : [Fwd: Puns spooken here]

One witch told another witch, "I want one of those new computers that
has a spell checker."

Don't bother inviting the Invisible Man to your Halloween party.  He
won't show up.  Sometimes he makes excuses, but they're all transparent.

You don't have to worry about Daylight Savings Time at Halloween.  The
holiday is always on Green Witch Mean Time.

Western Union opened an office in a graveyard so the spooks could send
and receive cryptograms.

Vampire pick-up line: "What's your type?"

A vampire joined the police force so he could learn the correct way to
get a stakeout.

How do canine scavengers in Africa find their way in the dark?  They use
jackal lanterns.

What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat?  A
washin' werewolf.


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From the pregnant Kelli:

The top 5 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:

5. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

4. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

3. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit
from that Richard Simmons fella."

2. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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mailto:prock-on@.... Type SUBSCRIBE as the message and in the
subject line.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

While a student at Drexel U. 50+ years ago, I served as features writer
for the LEXERD, the weekly campus gossip sheet. Our editor, an English
professor, asked me to cover a story about Gary Peters, star quarterback
of The Dragons, Drexel's football team. Poor guy took a tumble and
couldn't play with a cast on his leg. I interviewed Gary, and wrote a
humorous story. The headline for it read: "DRAGONS TO PLAY FRANKLIN &
MARSHAL WITHOUT PETERS."

The editor phoned and said, "So Stan, thought you'd sneak that raunchy
headline by me, didn't ya? Ha!" With that he seriously blue lined it.
The story appeared the next day, headlined, "DRAGONS TO PLAY FRANKLIN &
MARSHAL WITH PETERS OUT."

(ByStanley in Moshav Neve Ilan, Israel)

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Here's one from Kitty's Daily Mews!
send an email to majordomo@... in the BODY type subscribe
kittysdailymews.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

From Troy Wilsey:

You know many times in life we are so busy throwing our own 'pity
parties' we cannot recognize that others have pains and hurts until it's
too late!

      She was six years old when I first met her on the beach near where
live. I drive to this beach, a distance of three or four miles, whenever
the world begins to close in on me. She was building a sand castle or
something and looked up, her eyes as blue as the sea.
      "Hello," she said. I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to
bother with a small child.
      "I'm building," she said. "I see that. What is it?" I asked, not
caring. "Oh, I don't know, I just like the feel of sand. "That sounds
good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes. A
sandpiper glided by. "That's a joy," the child said. "It's a what?"

      "It's a joy. My mama says sandpipers come to bring us joy." The
bird went glissading down the beach. "Good-bye joy," I muttered to
myself, "hello pain," and turned to walk on.
      I was depressed; my life seemed completely out of balance. "What's
your name?" She wouldn't give up. "Ruth," I answered. "I'm Ruth
Peterson."
      "Mine's Wendy... I'm six."
      "Hi, Wendy."
      She giggled. "You're funny," she said. In spite of my gloom I
laughed too and walked on. Her musical giggle followed me. "Come again,
Mrs. P," she called. "We'll have another happy day."
     The days and weeks that followed belong to others: a group of unruly
Boy Scouts, PTA meetings, an ailing mother. The sun was shining one
morning as I took my hands out of the dishwater. "I need a sandpiper," I
said to myself, gathering up my coat.
    The ever-changing balm of the seashore awaited me. The breeze was
chilly, but I strode along, trying to recapture the serenity I needed.
    I had forgotten the child and was startled when she appeared. "Hello,
Mrs. P," she said.
      "Do you want to play?" "What did you have in mind?" I asked, with a
twinge of annoyance.
      "I don't know, you say."
      "How about charades?" I asked sarcastically. The tinkling laughter
burst forth again.
      "I don't know what that is."
      "Then let's just walk."
      Looking at her, I noticed the delicate fairness of her face. "Where
do you live?" I asked. "Over there." She pointed toward a row of summer
cottages. Strange, though, in winter.
      "Where do you go to school?" "I don't go to school. Mommy says
we're on vacation." She chattered little girl talk as we strolled up the
beach, but my mind was on other things.
      When I left for home, Wendy said it had been a happy day. Feeling
surprisingly better, I smiled at her and agreed. Three weeks later, I
rushed to my beach in a state of near panic. I was in no mood to even
greet Wendy.
    I thought I saw her mother on the porch and felt like demanding she
keep her child at home. "Look, if you don't mind," I said crossly when
Wendy caught up with me, "I'd rather be alone today." She seemed
unusually pale and out of breath. "Why?" she asked. I turned to her and
shouted, "Because my mother died!" and thought, my God, why was saying
this to a little child? "Oh," she said quietly, "then this is a bad
day."
      "Yes, and yesterday and the day before and-oh, go away!" "Did it
hurt?"
      "Did what hurt?" I was exasperated with her, with myself.
      "When she died?"
      "Of course it hurt!" I snapped, misunderstanding, wrapped up in
myself. I strode off.

      A month or so after that, when I next went to the beach, she wasn't
there. Feeling guilty, ashamed and admitting to myself I missed her, I
went up to the cottage after my walk and knocked at the door. A drawn
looking young woman with honey-colored hair     opened the door.
    "Hello," I said. "I'm Ruth Peterson. I missed your little girl today
and wondered where she was."
    "Oh yes, Mrs. Peterson, please come in. Wendy talked of you so much.
I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you. If she was a nuisance, please,
accept my apologies."
      "Not at all-she's a delightful child," I said, suddenly realizing
that I meant it. "Where is she?"
    "Wendy died last week, Mrs. Peterson. She had leukemia. Maybe she
didn't tell you."
      Struck dumb, I groped for a chair. My breath caught.
     "She loved this beach; so when she asked to come, we couldn't say
no. She seemed so much better here and had a lot of what she called
happy days. But the last few weeks, she declined rapidly..." her voice
faltered. "She left something for you...if only I can find it. Could you
wait a moment while I look?"
     I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something, anything, to say to
this lovely young
woman. She handed me a smeared envelope, with MRS. P printed in bold,
childish letters. Inside was a drawing in bright crayon hues-a yellow
beach, a blue sea, and a brown bird.

Underneath was carefully printed: A SANDPIPER TO BRING YOU JOY. Tears
welled
up in my eyes, and a heart that had almost forgotten to love opened
wide.
      I took Wendy's mother in my arms.
      "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I muttered over and over,
and we wept together. The precious little picture is framed now and
hangs in my study. Six words--one for each year of her life- that speak
to me of harmony, courage, undemanding love.
      A gift from a child with sea blue eyes and hair the color of
sand--who taught me the gift of love.
      NOTE: I hope you have a few Kleenex tissues in that box.
      The above is a true story sent out by Ruth Peterson. It serves as a
reminder to all of us that we need to take time to enjoy living and life
and each other. "The price of hating other human beings is loving
oneself less."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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SCREAM OF THE CROP
Oct. 27

This is the essence of Living. Thank you, Mountain Dreamer.


^  THE INVITATION  ^

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (A Native American Elder)

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking the fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow,
if you have been opened up by life's betrayals or
have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let ecstacy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be
careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can betray another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful
and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty
even when it's not a pretty day,
and if you can source your life from God's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver light of a full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done
for the children.

It doesn't matter who you are, or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

                           ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

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From Sally Bahner:

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE:

1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.

2. Both take up too much space on the bed.

3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.

4. Both are threatened by their own kind.

5. Neither understands what you see in cats.

6. Both want dominance.

7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.

8. Both chase cars.

9. The larger ones tend to drool.

10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

From Stan Kegel <kegel@...>

23. What might be a young person's parting words to his host as he pays
for his lowcost overnight accomodations with a credit card?

24. What was the outcome when a lawyer sued because he tore his clothes
when he slipped on a banana skin?

25. Where did Timothy Leary go to buy kosher sandwiches? 9-23-98

26. What dizzy silver chalice gets passed around every year after
several rounds of spinning, twisting and kicking?

27. What famous operatic tenor invented the sugar pill?

28. Why is the dazzling, charming, extremely personable woman very much
like the hooker working the late shift at the local whorehouse?

<

<

<

23. Hostel a Visa

24. He lost the suit on appeal

25. The Psychedelicatessen

26. The Whirrled Cup

27.  Placebo Domingo

28. They both sin too late (scintillate)


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Subscribe to the Net's PREMIER humor list!
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SCREAM OF THE CROP
Oct. 25

Contents: Career Advice, Smashed Potatoes, Quotes, and Pun
>>>>>>

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I'm dedicating this one to John Glenn, whose launch I could see from my
front yard (if I wasn't at work. Can see it there, too, but nowhere as
well).

I got this from FunnyMail Issue #199, run by MWoneis@...

Career Advice

I am at a career crossroads; should I become an astronaut, a fireman, or
a system administrator?

This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts" were
just made to answer:

PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER
Astronaut:  Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity.
Fireman:    Saving lives and property.
Sysadmin:   Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep.

ADVICE YOU'LL GIVE KIDS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
Astronaut:  "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
Fireman:    "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
Sysadmin:   "DON'T DO IT!  RUN AWAY!"

QUESTION YOU'LL BE MOST TIRED OF ANSWERING
Astronaut:  "Where do you go to the bathroom?"
Fireman:    "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes off?"
Sysadmin:   "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been
getting?"

WILL YOU EVER BE ON TV?
Astronaut:  Yes!
Fireman:    Occasionally.
Sysadmin:   Only MSNBC's "The Site," which doesn't technically count as
TV.

WILL YOUR JOB EVER GET ANY EASIER?
Astronaut:  As computers get more and more advanced and able to control
more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes.
Fireman:    As more and more people install smoke detectors in their
homes, yes.
Sysadmin:   As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet,
absolutely not.

INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
Astronaut:  "The Right Stuff"
Fireman:    "Backdraft"
Sysadmin:   Uh... gee, I'm really drawing a blank here... "Wargames"?

YOUR WORK HOURS
Astronaut:  Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots of
time between missions to relax.
Fireman:    24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax.
Sysadmin:   Not really "work hours" or even "work days"... more like
"work millenia."

FRINGE BENEFITS OF YOUR JOB
Astronaut:  Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the
opposite sex.
Fireman:    Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the
opposite sex.
Sysadmin:   You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert."

NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
Astronaut:  A few, from people who think the government should be
spending its money in different ways.
Fireman:    A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive
following a 911 call.
Sysadmin:   You'll have to learn what comes after "trillion" to be able
to count them all.

YOUR VEHICLE
Astronaut:  Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop multimillion-dollar
rocket.
Fireman:    Big red truck with flashing lights and siren.
Sysadmin:   1978 AMC Gremlin.

In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing in
even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Finally a place to get the lastlaugh! How? Find out at
http://www.thelastlaugh.com where you will find fun gifts, a virtual fun
forest and more! There's even the archives and subscribe page to the
popular free weekly humor ezine, Weekly Witticisms. Or to subscribe to
ezine via email: mailto:laf@...

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I keep pulling things from the jokes/quote files I've collected over the
years. Here are some kid's recipes from a book I bought ages ago. I
never got around to trying them, though. I am a terrible cook…

From Smashed Potatoes: A Kid's-Eye View of the Kitchen, edited by Jane
G. Martel, 1974

CHOPS

Some chops that are enough to fill up your pan
Fresh salt and pepper
1 ball of salad lettuce
1 sponge cake with ice cream

Put the chops in the bag and shake them for 5 hours-and the flour too.

Put them in a skillet pan on the biggest black circle on the roof of
your stove.  Cook them for plenty of time.

Fringe up the lettuce in little heaps in all the bowls.

Go on the porch and bring the high chair and have your supper everybody!

NOTE: But stoves really is dangerous-and you shouldn't go near one till
you get married.
>>>>>>>>>

STEAK AND SMASHED POTATOES AND APPLE PIE

For steak: 1 pound of steak with red meat in it, 5 potatoes or 10
pounds, 10 inches of salt

For gravy: A whole of flour, 6 inches of water

For pie: 10 inches of dough, 3 apples, 7 pounds of sugar

Put the steak in a flat pan and put it on the stove at 8 degrees (my
mother thinks) or 10 degrees (my father thinks) and cook for 4 hours.

Cut up the potatoes and smash them up and cook them in a big pot for the
same time.

Then put the dough in a flat silver thing and smash with a potato
smasher and then put on some more dough. Put it in the oven at 9 degrees
for 5 minutes.

Put everything on the table and you could have company.
Serves 4. And if my sister doesn't eat her carrots, she can't have any
pie.
>>>>>>>>>

LEMON PIE

10 cherries
4 cream
2 boxes of lemony sweet ice cream
10 coconuts

Put it in a bowl. Then mixer it up or spatula it up.

Get a pan like glass, and put in the onion crust because we put onions
in everything.

It goes for 10 hours in the oven and 10 hours in the refrigerator.

It makes 10 slices.
>>>>>>>>>

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

HOT SEX! Ooops, wrong ad . . . FREE MONEY!  Wait, that's not it either.
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rcjokelist-on@... or visit our web site at:
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Love endures only when the lovers love many things together and not
merely each other.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The following is part of a chorus written by 17th century English
playwright, John Webster:

Vain the ambition of kings
Who seek by trophies and dead things
To leave a living name behind,
And weave but nets to catch the wind.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


Jokes EveryDay Mailing List --
http://www.jokeseveryday.com

Jokes EveryDay Mailing List is a FREE daily e-mail Joke list for the
whole family! The Whole Family can enjoy the funny and CLEAN jokes that
we send to the list! They will have you laughing for hours! Subscribe
today! You won't regret it! Remember the Joke List is totally FREE! No
cost for you to join! So subscribe today! And Don't forget to vist us at
our website!

To Subscribe to the Joke List:
======================
Vist our web page at: http://www.jokeseveryday.com or

Send a Blank E-mail to: joke-subscribe@...

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Some quotes I've collected over the years:

Better to be thought of as a fool, than to open your mouth and remove
all doubt. -- Abraham Lincoln

A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order will lose
both, and deserve neither. -- Thomas Jefferson

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. --
Albert Einstein

A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything. -- Malcolm X

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants to see us happy. --
-Benjamin Franklin

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. --
Ashleigh Brilliant

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. --
Sam Levenson

I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several
weeks. -- Daniel Boone

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

PUNY riddles from Stan Kegel <kegel@...>

35. A man with a palindromatic name is accused of stealing a car that is
worth one thousand dollars. What is the legal term for this particular
crime?

36. What did man do in court when he stood accused of breaking into a
liquor store?

37. Scientists found a way to clone a bit of Shakespeare's DNA and
recreate The Great Bard. Naturally, ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN were vying
with each other to get him on their networks. When they approached Mr. S
with their offers, how did he respond?

38. A novice radio actor, so green that he never knew when it was his
line and had to be constantly prompted, had a last name that rhymed with
a popular Latin dance. What was the cry that rang out all day in the
studio?

39. Twin girls have just begun to form in their mother's womb. As their
first cells begin to divide, a dispute breaks out between them. One girl
accuses the other of stealing one of her digits. What does she say?

40. What do you call someone who has studied to become an expert on
highway construction?


Answers after this ad:
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35. Grand Theft Otto

36. He took the fifth

37. TV or not TV, that is the question.

38. Cue Cumba

39. That's my toe, Sis (mitosis)

40. A Roads Scholar

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There!!
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SCREAM OF THE CROP

Oct. 23

OK, guys, I hear you. Generally, I will make these shorter. I was
getting carried away.

Embarrassing Moments Issue -- I'm compiling subscribers' (anonymous)
input for the November 1 issue.

If you are enjoying Scream of the Crop, pass it on.  Tell your friends
that they, too, can subscribe to this free joke mail 3 times weekly
(Sun., Tues., & Fri.) by sending a blank email to

scream_of_the_crop-subscribe@egroups.com

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From Sally Bahner:

Murphy's Computer Laws


As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it.

Installing a new program will always screw up at least one old one.

The computer will work perfectly at the repair shop.

The first place to look for a lost file is the last place you would
expect to find it.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Important lettes that contain no errors will develop errors on the way
to the printer.

Regardless of the program, you won't have enough hard disk space to
install it.

The easier it is to get into a program, the harder it will be to get
out.

Every machine will eventually fall apart.

In a computer manual, any simple idea will be worded in the most
complicated way.

If you hit two keys on the keyboard simultaneously, the one that you
don't want will appear on the screen.

The probability of anything going wrong is in inverse proportion to its
desirability.

No matter how long you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will
be on sale cheaper the next day.

The computer only crashes when printing a document you haven't saved.

If you make a copy of your system configuration nine out of ten times,
the tenth time is the only time you'll need it.

The more pounds the package weighs, the harder it will be to find the
installation instructions.

The need for space on a disk will always exceed the available space by
ten percent.

The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to the value
of the material that hasn't been backed up.

There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose hard disks have
crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't crashed - yet.

Before you do something, you have to do something else first.

Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you fiddle with
something long enough, you'll break it.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool
about it.

You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.

Don't let any mechanical device know that you're in a hurry.

If it's worth doing, it's worth hiring someone who knows how to do it.

The one piece of data you're absolutely sure is correct, isn't.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

The writer will find the typos after the letter is mailed.


*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*

Do you need a break, relax and GIGGLE a little?
SUBSCRIBE Giggle Humor mailing list at
http://www.onelist.com/subscribe.cgi/giggle
It's FUN! It's FREE!
PS: You can post jokes to the list too!

*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*


A STORY OF COURAGE AND LOVE

Walking down a path through some woods in Georgia in 1977, I saw a water
puddle ahead on the path. I angled my direction to go around it on the
part of the path that wasn't covered by water and mud. As I reached the
puddle, I was suddenly attacked!  Yet I did nothing for the attack was
so unpredictable and from a source so totally unexpected. I was startled
as well as unhurt, despite having been struck four or five times
already. I backed up a foot and my attacker stopped attacking me.
Instead of attacking more, he hovered in the air on graceful butterfly
wings in front of me. Had I been hurt I wouldn't have found it amusing,
but I was unhurt, it was funny, and I was laughing.  After all, I was
being attacked by a butterfly!

Having stopped laughing, I took a step forward. My attacker rushed me
again. He rammed me in the chest with his head and body, striking me
over and over again with all his might, still to no avail. For a second
time, I retreated a step while my attacker relented in his attack.  Yet
again, I tried moving forward. My attacker charged me again. I was
rammed in the chest over and over again. I wasn't sure what to do, other
than to retreat a third time. After all, it's just not everyday that one
is attacked by a butterfly. This time, though, I stepped back several
paces to look the situation over. My attacker moved back as well to land
on the ground. That's when I discovered why my attacker was charging me
only moments earlier.  He had a mate and she was dying. She was beside
the puddle where he landed.  Sitting close beside her, he opened and
closed his wings as if to fan her.  I could only admire the love and
courage of that butterfly in his concern for his mate. He had taken it
upon himself to attack me for his mate's sake, even though she was
clearly dying and I was so large. He did so just to give her those extra
few precious moments of life, should I have been careless enough to step
on her.

Now I knew why and what he was fighting for. There was really only one
option left for me. I carefully made my way around the puddle to the
other side of the path, though it was only inches wide and extremely
muddy. His courage in attacking something thousands of times larger and
heavier than himself just for his mate's safety justified it. I couldn't
do anything other than reward him by walking on the more difficult side
of the puddle. He had truly earned those moments to be with her,
undisturbed. I left them in peace for those last few moments, cleaning
the mud from my boots when I later reached my car.

Since then, I've always tried to remember the courage of that butterfly
whenever I see huge obstacles facing me. I use that butterfly's courage
as an inspiration and to remind myself that good things are worth
fighting for.  - Author: Unknown
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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Do you like to giggle, laugh, or even roll on the floor from laughter??
Then this is the joke list for you!! Make each and everyday brighter by
signing up with JJC.  GO HERE:
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In a novel by Nevada Barr (FIRESTORM), when help arrives -a helicopter
to take a couple loads of stranded people back to civilization, a young
woman asks, "Can I go now?"

"What do you weigh?" Helicopter pilots were the only people on earth who
got an honest answer to that question. Few were willing to die for their
vanity.

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When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.
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send a blank e-mail to scream_of_the_crop-subscribe@egroups.com

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Continue to use my personal email address to contribute jokes:
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Visit the home of Scream of the Crop
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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SCREAM OF THE CROP

Oct. 20

I'm still trolling for embarrassing moments for the anonymous issue I'm
putting together. Jeez. The more incidents I hear about from you guys,
the more I remember.  Our faux pas will make for some fun reading. Send
your moments to me at mailto:smock@...
Thanks,
Shara


What's this?  Today's humor sponsored by me, Shara Rendell-Smock!

Author's SPECIAL PRE-HOLIDAY OFFER

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gift giving with these.

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NOW Only $6 per copy, signed AND postage paid.

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postage paid.

Check out reviews, previews, book covers at my site, then email me to
order. http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Agora/2859

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

"According to psychiatric evaluations by doctors at Massachusetts
General Hospital, Mike Tyson is psychologically fit to fight again.
"Tyson's overjoyed," says Jay Leno. "He told doctors all he needed was a
sympathetic ear."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

From Ajkjjl@...


"HI AND WELCOME TO THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 & 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.

Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you  press,
no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number and your mother's and
grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep -
or before the beep - or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are
far too busy to talk to you.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Would you like to receive a daily dose of G-PG rated jokes, stories and
poems?
If so, I know a great list called FunnyMail. To subscribe please e-mail
mailto:MWONEIS@...  with SUBSCRIBE ME in the subject

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

(Note from Shara-As a former wife of a univ. prof., I love this one!)


"When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you."
                                                           - Unknown

                      ~~~  Late for Finals!  ~~~

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the
UW.  Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new
students, having over 800 students in the class!  The examination was
two-hours long, and standard blue exam booklets were provided. The
professor was very strict and and told the class that any exam that was
not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the
student would fail.

Half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.  "You're not going to have time to finish
this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I
will," replied the student.  He then took a seat and began
writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students
filed up and handed them in.  All except for the late student, who
continued writing.  Half an hour later, the last student came up to the
front of the lecture hall where the professor was
sitting behind the desk, casually reading a book with his feet up on a
stool.  He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets
already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late,"  the professor
said, turning the page in his book.

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

"Nooooo, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air
of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you KNOW who I AM?" the student asked again, poking his own chest
with his finger as he leaned intimidatingly over the table.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of
superiority.

The student quickly lifted the stack of completed exams and stuffed his
in the middle.  "Good!" he said, and walked out of the room.

                               - As told by laughalot-owner@...

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From: "Jim Rooney" via BILL'S PUNCH LINE

                 Fun Things to do During Boring Sermons

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

See if a yawn really is contagious.

Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your
hand and tell the preacher.

Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so
on through the alphabet.

Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead
of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every
marble that made it to the front.

Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test
and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the
front, under the pews, without being noticed.

Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.

Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your
nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing
bubbles.

Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt
around backwards.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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Articles, websites, tips & more to help small & home business owners
become more successful online. Subscribe to WebSuccess! today!
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Many Computer systems will not be able to recognize the year 2000
because of the simple programming shortcut taken 40 years ago.You need
to arm yourself with facts and start making contingency plans NOW. You
need CASH and INFORMATION to protect yourself and your family. Real
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From Sheila, my office mate:

HOW TO ROB A BANK (or...how not to...)

Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of
would-be robbers.

PICK THE RIGHT BANK
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA,
who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no
money.

STUDY YOUR HISTORY
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota.
Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven
minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again
until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with
their dollar, those Minnesotans.

SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her
father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He
wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the
name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name
and address of another in Detroit...and in East Hartford, Connecticut,
on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.

DON'T ADVERTISE
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face
by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face
first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively
identified by lip-print.

TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into
the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse
and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security men money.

BE AWARE OF THE TIME
Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit
the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams,
where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself
in the head and died instantly.

BE STRONG
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea,
Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car,
parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Big TV Sweepstakes - expires 11-4-98
Enter now to win a 53 inch Surround Sound TV from Sony!
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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

From Troy Wilsey:

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A.  Frostbite.

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A. A pachydermatologist.

Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

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FOUR FREE ISSUES online! Click Below!
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***************************************

   Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        We value your privacy.
*************************************
LEGAL STUFF: You must be over 18 to subscribe to this list. These pieces
are published as submitted and I do not claim to own any copyright
privileges to them.  The work was sent as an item for the mailing list.
If you are a copyright owner of any  of the material, please contact me
immediately at: smock@...
Credit will be given. If the author of a piece is known, credit will
always be given.  Items are published on a first received basis.
*************************************
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SCREAM OF THE CROP

Oct. 18

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From  Judib@...

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.
                                 - Will Rogers -

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

From Peaches:

"The Evolution of Mom"

Yes, parenthood changes everything.  But parenthood also changes with
each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child
differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
    -1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
    -2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
    -3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

    The Baby's Name
    -1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.
    -2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt
Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
    -3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your
finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
    -1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
    -2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.
    -3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
    -1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate
them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
    -2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
    -3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

  Worries
    -1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick
up the baby.
    -2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
    -3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.

Activities
    -1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and
Baby Story Hour.
    -2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
    -3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry
cleaner.

Going Out
    -1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home 5 times.
    -2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
    -3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees blood.

At Home
    -1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
    -2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your
older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
    -3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.

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Want to subscribe to some of the funniest jokes online?
Click below to sign up for Al's Laugh Your Ass Off.
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?31

FROM AL'S LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF:

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.  Was it true, the woman
wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for
the rest of her life?  She was told that it was.  There was a moment of
silence  before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how
serious my condition is.  This prescription is marked "NO REFILLS."

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.

I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for
me and I asked for her number.

Overheard at a fatal traffic accident: "Let me through - I'm a
necrophiliac."

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this.

I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: "I wanna
know your name..."

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to
want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?  The Dog of course...at least he'll
shut up after you let him in!

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Posted From: AndyChap's "The Funnies," who posted this from Ed's Joke
List

You Might Be a Farmer If…

* Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife does.

* You wave at every vehicle whether you know them or not.

* You always look when a vehicle passes your house, even after dark.

* You have convinced your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip
after equipment parts is a vacation.

* You have specific hats worn to: farms sales, livestock auctions,
customer appreciation suppers and vacation.

* You have ever had to wash off in the back yard with a garden hose
before your wife would let you in the house.

* You have never willingly thrown away an empty 5-gallon bucket.

* You have used baling wire to attach a license plate to a vehicle.

* You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

* You can remember the fertilizer rate, seeding rate, herbicide rate,
and final yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall
your wife's birthday or dress size.

* You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of
equipment.

* You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

* You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors' crops.

* You have "borrowed" gravel from the county road to fill potholes in
your driveway.

* You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

* You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof
repairs.

* You have used your castrating knife to slice and eat apples just to
make your wife queasy.

* And finally, if given $1,000,000 you would keep right on farming.
You'd farm differently, but you'd keep farming because that is who and
what you are!

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Jokes EveryDay Mailing List -- http://www.jokeseveryday.com

Jokes EveryDay Mailing List is a FREE daily e-mail Joke list for the
whole family! The Jokes that are sent to the List are clean and Good!
They will have you laughing for hours! You'll just love your
subscription, because of the Jokes and because it's TOTALLY FREE!
Subscribe today!

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E-mail to:
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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Contributed by Troy Wilsey:

Two ROBINS were lying on their backs, BASKING in the sun. A mama cat and
her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo
hungry, what can we eat?" To which the mama cat, spying the two robins,
replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?"

**
Two vultures were checking in at an airline terminal. After handing over
their suitcases to the clerk, he noticed that they were each holding a
bag with a dead rabbit in it. The clerk asked if they wanted to check
these in also. The vultures replied: "No, they're carrion."

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From Rubin:                    )))   PLAYING DOCTOR   (((


Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife
was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing
doctor for an hour?'...That's what I do. ", said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an
hour?"

"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Puny Riddles from Stan kegel@...


16.  What author would Cleopatra invoke if Mark Anthony asks her if she
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17. The game show host, a former Marine, lived with his family in a
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18.  What's the similarity between someone who has buys an option on a
female farmer's legume crop and someone who develops a cold sore?

19. What did Leonardo say to Donnatello when he saw the bovine at the
end of her elastic rope?

20.  What did the famous WWI spy say when future Pres. Truman apologized
for the army's discourteous treatment of her?

21.  What city gets its name from dropping a waffle on the beach?

22.  If you sue a urologist, what kind of trial would s/he probably
request?

Answers after this ad:

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17. The Halls of Monte Zuma

18.  Both have contracted her peas (Herpes)

19.  "Cow-A-Bungee," he shouted as they watched the Jersey bounce.

20.  It doesn't Matah, Harry (Mata Hari)

21.  Sandy Eggo

22.  A jury of your pee-ers

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When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.
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Continue to use my personal email address to contribute jokes:
smock@....
Visit the home of Scream of the Crop
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Agora/2859/jokes.htm

***************************************

   Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        We value your privacy.
*************************************
LEGAL STUFF: You must be over 18 to subscribe to this list. These pieces
are published as submitted and I do not claim to own any copyright
privileges to them.  The work was sent as an item for the mailing list.
If you are a copyright owner of any  of the material, please contact me
immediately at: smock@...
Credit will be given. If the author of a piece is known, credit will
always be given.  Items are published on a first received basis.
*************************************
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SCREAM OF THE CROP

Oct. 16

If you are enjoying Scream of the Crop, pass it on.  Tell your friends
that they, too, can subscribe to this free joke mail 3 times weekly
(Sun., Tues., & Fri.) by sending a blank email to
scream_of_the_crop-subscribe@egroups.com

****
CATS are psychotic.  Who else bounds out of the room for no reason? "Oh,
no! It's 7:03. I'm supposed to be in the LIVING ROOM!"

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Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $6,000."

"What did he have?"

"About $6,000."

*********************************************************
RANTINGS OF A MAD CLOWN

Get great jokes from a mad clown!
You know he's mad because he's giving them for FREE!

Send your email address to: comedyland@...

Check out the website at:
http://www.angelfire.com/nj/comedyland/index.html

*********************************************************

From Cheryl Felson of Texas

One day, a 10 year old boy, Tom, and his 8 year old brother, John, were
in their room playing. Tom said to his brother, "You know, I'm 10 years
old now and I think I'm old enough to say a cuss word. I think I'll say
'damn.'

John said, "I think I'm old enough to cuss too. I think I'll say 'ass.'

The next morning at the breakfast table, the mom asked, "What would you
like for breakfast this morning, Tom?"

Tom replied, "I want some damn bacon and eggs." Shocked, his mother
slapped him and he fell to the floor.

"Now," she said to John, "What would *you* like for breakfast?"

John replied, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass I don't want bacon
and eggs!"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

**JENNIFER'S JOKE CENTRAL**
Do you like to giggle, laugh, or even
roll on the floor from laughter??
Then this is the joke list for you!!
Make each and everyday brighter by signing
up with JJC.  GO HERE:
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  From Rubin:

A man and his wife are doing yard work.  The husband says to the wife,
"Your rear end is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark. A
little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the
grill, then goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a
flower bed, he measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as
wide as the grill."

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She
calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one
little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

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My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an
obscene phone call. (pause) He said, "Did I call you or did you call
me?"

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Two chucklers from Wayne Barney of Peoria, IL (who credits this joke to
Jim Olson of Eau Claire, WI)

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for
the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the
third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest
of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be
thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

From Sally Bahner:

The Normal Single Male Newspaper Ad Descriptions:

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking.....Unusual hair growth on ears, nose,& back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............... Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun........................ Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking........... Arrogant
Honest.................... Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............Wants to sleep with your sister
Physically fit.............I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
admiring myself
Poet........................ Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual.................. Once went to church with his grandmother on
Easter Sunday
Stable...................... Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

From Kelli:

How many sun signs of a particular type does it take to change a light
bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is
useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about
who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them
through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will
get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is
that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can be shared only with the Enlightened
Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so based
on the position of the moon and the....

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Please check out my website and let me know what you
think!! <A HREF="http://members.aol.com/mwoneis">Marianne's Web
Page</A>.
Enjoy the jokes!!
-------------
Time Catches Up

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine
March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I.  Let's have a coke."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I heard this last yr, but it is too good to pass up sending again.
Thanks, Andy.

YEA HA.....IT'S HALLOWEEN TIME

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He,
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his
good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he
went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain,
and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as
her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and
being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry
and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so
off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading
when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the
same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I
never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown
and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
evening….But I'll tell you...the guy I lent my costume to sure had a
real good time!"

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When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.
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Continue to use my personal email address to contribute jokes:
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Visit the home of Scream of the Crop
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***************************************

   Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        We value your privacy.
*************************************
LEGAL STUFF: You must be over 18 to subscribe to this list. These pieces
are published as submitted and I do not claim to own any copyright
privileges to them.  The work was sent as an item for the mailing list.
If you are a copyright owner of any  of the material, please contact me
immediately at: smock@...
Credit will be given. If the author of a piece is known, credit will
always be given.  Items are published on a first received basis.
*************************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subscribe, unsubscribe, opt for a daily digest, or start a new e-group
at http://www.eGroups.com -- Free Web-based e-mail groups.

SCREAM OF THE CROP

Oct. 13


"Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Here is another true story about Madalyn Craig's father-in-law, a
Methodist minister.

Rev. Craig had just been re-assigned to the then small community of
Waldorf, Maryland. Now, although he wasn't always a ranter or
pulpit-banger, he did occasionally get worked up during a sermon, voice
raised, etc. On this, his first Sunday in the pulpit of his new church,
he was preaching on the evils of tobacco.

In one of the front pews was a farmers wife and her new baby. As Rev.
Craig's voice began booming out, the baby began to fuss. The mother
jiggled it, she put it up on her shoulder patting its back, she tried
rocking it -- but nothing would calm this infant, its cries getting
louder and louder. The mother unbuttoned the front of her dress, put the
baby on her breast. Nope, the baby didn't want to nurse, and he really
began screaming. Finally the mother picked up her belongings, and with
baby over one shoulder, she got up, started walking up the aisle.

My father-in-law looked down from the pulpit and exclaimed "Maam, the
little feller isn't bothering me, you don't have to leave."

The mother stopped, turned around, and replied "Well Brother Craig,
maybe he ain't bothering you, but you sure as hell are bothering him!"

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From jesusfreke85@...  (Chris P)

How you tell it's going to be a rotten day:

- You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting at your office.

- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

- You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the
city.

- Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

- Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

- The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

- You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
business.

- Your income tax check bounces.

- Your pet rock snaps at you.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
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Albert Einstein Quotes

On Knowledge
- "Imagination is more important than knowledge."
- "The only real valuable thing is intuition."

His Understanding of the World
- "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
- "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- "I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice."

On People and Life
- "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
- "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
- "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."
- "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
- "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is
the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a
stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder
and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."

On Math and Science and Education
- "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used
when we created them."
- "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's
living at it."
- "God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates
empirically."
- "Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you
mine are still greater."
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From our faithful Stan Kegel <kegel@...>

My favorite:
Misdemeanor

A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his
back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He
was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when
he replied, . . . "Impersonating an office, sir!"

Bible Story

A ten -year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming
quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her
grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: . . . the
Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

Our Country

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page
picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and
asked, "What flag is this?"
A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country." "Very good,"
the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" The girl said
confidently, "Tis of thee."

British Humor

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"
I said "Sure, ... you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said, ... 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice." (Both By Tommy Cooper)

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From dailyhumor@...
Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@...>
Subject: Only in America <clean>

(Sent by an American friend)

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process
so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures"...


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(Stan's at it again!  Ewww. shara)

The Mine (Puns)
From:  Stan Kegel <kegel@...>

Many years ago a friend of mine called Joe worked in the coal mines. He
would go to work early in the morning, go down the mine to the coal face
and do his eight hour stint, then come back to the surface to get ready
to come home.

He followed this daily routine faithfully for years on end, down the
mine in the morning and up at the end of his shift. Down then up, down
then up.

One day whilst he was at the coal face he swung his pick ax and the
point went deep into a rock. He eventually managed to remove the pick ax
from the rock, and as he did so he was engulfed in a deluge of water. He
was absolutely drenched by the water, and his work mates remarked that
he looked about 10 years younger since the water had covered him. They
all tried to get soaked, and those that managed did indeed look 10 years
younger.

He, and those of his friends who had managed to get covered by the
water, were thankful but they couldn't stop wondering why they had only
been made to look 10 years younger. Why hadn't they been made to look 20
or 25 years younger than they really were? ... It must be obvious that
it was only a miner miracle.

Reply from: Jim Ertner <ertner@...>

Stan:

I, too, once had a friend, Joe, who worked in the coal mines.
Unfortunately, he was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost
their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down
the mine shaft and crushed Joe to death. A local composer wrote an
orchestral piece in memory of Joe: It was called "Symphony in A Flat
Miner."


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LEGAL STUFF: You must be over 18 to subscribe to this list. These pieces
are published as submitted and I do not claim to own any copyright
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If you are a copyright owner of any  of the material, please contact me
immediately at: smock@...
Credit will be given. If the author of a piece is known, credit will
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--
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Author's SPECIAL HOLIDAY OFFER
My **Autographed** Books at a drastic reduction.
Getting Hooked: Fiction's Opening Sentences 1950s-1990s ($7.95 retail)
Only $6 per copy, signed AND postage paid.

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paid.
You could finish your gift giving with these.

Check out details at my site, then email me to order.
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SCREAM OF THE CROP

Oct. 11

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Dr. Skeffington, the famed heart surgeon, died. As he arrived at the
Pearly Gates he informed St. Peter of his reputation and demanded to be
admitted immediately.

"I'm sorry," said St. Peter, "but you'll have to go to the end of the
line."

As Skeffington moved to the back of the line, a man dressed in a
surgical mask and fown walked past the line and immediately into heaven.
Skeffington protested.

"I'm sorry," said St. Peter. "That was God. He just THINKS he's a
doctor."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Rubin sent me this just in time to fit in nicely here:

What is the difference between God and lawyers?

God doesn't think She is a lawyer.......

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Wouldn't you just like to give some people a gift certificate for one
visit to Dr. Jack Kevorkian?

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Jennifer's Joke Central.....
Do you like humor?  We have just the list for you.  Daily/weekly lists
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By way of Madalyn Craig.

MY FATHER, THE MINISTER

True story, which took place in the 1940's:

         My father-in-law, as minister of a church in Maryland, was
seated at the speakers' table along with other ministers and dignitaries
of the Maryland Methodist Conference. The young waiters and waitresses
were the members of the Methodist Youth Fellowship.
         As one pretty young girl came up behind the speakers table to
pour coffee, she tripped - the pitcher of hot coffee fell atop my
father-in-law's bald head and all down his back.
         Everyone in the rooms gasped. My father-in-law did not jump up
or scream or do any of the other things one of us would have done upon
being scalded by boiling coffee.
         He merely raised his head, looked out over the assembly of
guests and very quietly said
              "Would some layman please say an appropriate word?"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Contributed by Dorothy Ryberg:

Shamus and his wife Mary were at it again. They were duking it out tooth
and nail. After Shamus had knocked his wife down for the fourth time, he
noticed to his horror that the whole incident was being witnessed by
their parish priest. Without missing a beat, Shamus shouted, "Now will
you go to mass?"

***Shara's comment. Although this joke may be amusing, abuse is nothing
to scoff off. To learn whether you may be in an abusive situation, here
are good links to click. Many victims have become survivors…and happy
ones.
Please access these links from a safe computer-not one where you have to
fear someone tracking your link path.
http://www.angelfire.com/ms/domviol/
http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/Garden/2399/index.html  A woman's
survival
http://www.abanet.org/domviol/myths.html Myths & Facts

From these sites you can link to many others. Another topic some may
want to search  is Stalking. States have different laws on its
definition. For example, Florida is progressive-stalking includes
unwanted gifts, harassing phone calls, & lots more.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Contributed by Kelli:

Always By My Side
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he
motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know
what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired,
you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave
me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
Hey, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"

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More from rubin@...

Possibilities Abound as Barbie Turns 40

Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just in time
to greet the new century. And they've been 40 full, rich years. She
began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy
Fair in 1959.She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for
president
in 1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her
first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once
again for a newly identified market.

In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly turned
out,with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. She's
Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will Mattel
think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie turning 40?

Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible?

Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:

Bifocals Barbie>. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames
in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie>. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With
hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie.> As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers
grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Cook's Arms Barbie.> Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are
back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely
taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with
this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors:
pink, rose, blush.

No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie>. All that experience as a cheerleader is really
paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for
Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler
filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Midlife Crisis Barbie>. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,
and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along
with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the
Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard
to Do."

Single Mother Barbie>. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's
shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's
across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's
selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete
garage sale kit included.

Recovery Barbie>. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean
and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy
of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.


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Enter now to win a New Apple PowerBook G3 Laptop Computer!
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Click Below!
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*************************************
LEGAL STUFF: You must be over 18 to subscribe to this list. These pieces
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Visit http://www.wunderground.com

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SCREAM OF THE CROP
Oct. 9

If you are enjoying Scream of the Crop, pass it on.  Tell your friends
that they, too, can subscribe to this free joke mail 3 times weekly
(Sun., Tues., & Fri.) by sending a blank email  to
scream_of_the_crop-subscribe@egroups.com

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Today's humor brought to you by U.S News & World Report -- The
newsmagazine FOUR FREE ISSUES online! Click Below!
http://www.get-it-for-free.com/smock/usnews.htm

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

DO YOU HAVE AN EMBARRASSING STORY? I'd like to put together an issue of
our embarrassing moments-all ANONYMOUS, of course. Last night I dreamed
of such an issue (yeah, I need better dreams).

I was going to kick it off with my most embarrassing moment, but
chickened out. I certainly will share mine with you, but I'll embed it
in all the other anonymous ones!  Send yours to me at
smock@....

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds
and the pessimist fears that this is true."
    James Branch Cabell

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Sally Bahner contributes these good vibes.

An angel wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends
will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

God gives every bird its food,
But He does not throw it into it's nest.

He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are acts of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The tongue weighs practically nothing,
But so few people can hold it.

     . * . (\ *** /) * . *
    * . * ( \ (_)/ ) * Guardian Angel *
      . . (_ / || \ _) . * .
      . * . /____\ * . . *

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Are you ready to laugh?  Subscribe today!
Where else would you find the laughter!
Funniest Humorous Jokes, Point your browsers to
http://funniesthumorousjokes.arecool.net

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From The Funnies mailto:AndyChap@...

The "OLD" Lawyer (It's Relative to.....)

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of
Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long
time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm
only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After
a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you *are*
82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have
to be 82..."

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From laugh-your-ass-off:

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring
up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young
man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor
walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said
quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the
plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large
plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

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From Kelli:

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put
in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went
something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what
happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two
weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down
at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could
maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I
killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as
well eat it since it would be more
disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes go by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But
if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it
is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

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I usually don't get this risque, but it's just too good not to share. I
got it from one of ED McBAIN's mysteries. He always includes a joke or
two somewhere in his work:

There are 2 old people in a nursing home. The man's 92, the woman's 90.
They start a relationship. What they do, he goes into her room, and gets
in bed with her and they watch tv together with his penis in her hand.
That's the extent of the relationship. She holds his penis in her hand
while they watch tv.

The woman is passing her girlfriend's room one night--she's 90 yrs old,
too--and lo and behold, what does she see? Her man is in bed with the
girlfriend. They're watching tv, she's holding his penis in her hand.
The woman is outraged. 'How can you do this to me?' she wants to know.

'Is she prettier than I am? Is she smarter than I am? What has got that
I haven't got?" The guy answers, "Parkinsons."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Sexist Musings From y.a.feder@...

Woman's Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with.

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they
go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
"I had an old friend that went into stage work.  Seems he set up an
acting company and was trying to produce an original play, but one part
was really difficult to stage.  It was said that he did not have the
proper actors to do the tricky stuff, and since he had limited funds (no
angels supporting his show), he had to put out an odd scene lone call."
(By Brian Catlin)

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The Wink (from kegel@...).  Read on if you're brave!

A certain man had a daughter who was...how do I say this tactfully...
ugly. Well, in a desperate attempt to marry her off, this man found a
available young gentleman by the name of Herz. He invited him over to
supper and, with the promise of a large dowry, suggested Mr. Herz wink
at the girl during the meal. Unfortunately, once he saw her, no amount
of money would have coaxed him to batt his lashes....which just goes to
show you: You can lead a Herz to daughter, but you can't make him wink.

(I warned you!)
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LEGAL STUFF: You must be over 18 to subscribe to this list. These pieces
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This just in from  RAINYBOW <wett@...>


Actual graffiti in the Microsoft bathroom

  1.Bill Gates Downloads Here

  2.Do Not Flush Mouse Pads Down The Toilet

  3.To Flush, Press Handle. You Do Not Need To Hold Control, Alt, And
Delete At The Same Time.

  4.For a good time, e-mail SUZIE@ohmygod/Im/about/tohave/an.org

  5.Why can't Bill Gates get a date? Because he is MICROSOFT

  6.MICROSOFT: Where Do You Want To Go Today? .. in the crapper!

  7.Microsoft Speelchecker Rules!

  8.Your mother is so fat, it takes 25 minutes to download a naked
picture of her.

  9.THE BASIC PROGRAM:

  10: Enter

  20: Lower Pants

  30: Try Real Hard

  40: If Nothing, Then goto 30

  50: If something, Them goto 60

  60: Wipe Butt

  70: Exit

  10.Ray has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! -Carl
     Carl still plays with his Wang! -Ray
     Yeah, well you both still program in DOS -Fred
     Byte Me! -Ray & Carl

11.IBM we all BM

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VISIT the home of Scream of the Crop
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Quotes:

Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity,
that nothing is. (Thomas Szasz)

Never explain --your friends don't need it, and your enemies won't
believe you anyhow.
(Elbert Hubbard)

A room without books is like a body without a soul. (Cicero)

Winning was hard when your opponent was playing on a different game
board. (Nevada Barr)

Visits always give pleasure--if not the arrival, the departure.
(Portuguese Proverb)

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From Paul Hell


17 BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN NEW JERSEY

1-- A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the
left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before
hitting the construction barrels.

2-- Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so
never use them.

3-- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going.  If you do,
the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more
dangerous situation.

4-- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.

5-- Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
(Remember no-fault insurance, he might not have much to lose, you do.)

6-- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that
your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot
massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

7-- Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after
you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.

8-- The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide
useful information; they're just to make the Turnpike look progressive.

9-- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.  It's a good
way to scare people entering the highway.

10-- Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make NJ look as if it
conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions
and are readily unenforceable.

11-- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up
or move over doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind
you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

12-- Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic on the Garden State Parkway.

13-- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a
person changing a tire.  If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting
breakdown victim get mugged, the proceeds of which are vested directly
into the Democratic frontrunner's campaign for governor.

14-- Learn to swerve abruptly (i.e. the Jersey Sweep).  NJ is the home
of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to NJDOT, who put potholes in
key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

15-- It is traditional in NJ to honk your horn at cars that don't move
the instant the light changes.  The state is founded upon such
traditions.

16-- Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

17--All unmarked exits on the Parkway lead to downtown Newark.  (This
one from Murphy's Law?)


*********************************************************
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BARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA:

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY
BACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be
around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.

1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels like
to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to
my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3.  A REAL man... maybe GI JOE.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken.  And what's with that earring
anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.

4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.

5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.

6.  A jog-bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.  How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior
account exec!

8.  A new, more 90's persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag
of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted
with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several
packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10.  Mattel stock options.  It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.

Okay Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society,
I don't think these requests are out of line.  If you disagree, then you
can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.  It's that simple.

Yours Truly,
Barbie
>>>

KEN'S LETTER TO SANTA:

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in
her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.  In
addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made
about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.  I would
like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of the issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other collegues feel Barbie DOES NOT
deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything.  I, along
with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette,
evening gowns, and in some cases, the ablility to change our hair style.
I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at
great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision
and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my
career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or
"Out Of Work Actor Ken"?  In addition, there are several other avenues
that could be considered such as: "S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken",
"Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".  These would more accurately
reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I
need
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.  Bendable knees
would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about
this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to
the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and
others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe- he's mine, at least
that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

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No monotony from Stan Kegel, for sure.  kegel@...

A wife became suspicious because her husband was spending long periods
of time away from home, supposedly on business trips. So she hired a
private investigator to follow him and report on his behavior. The
detective reported that he travelled to a near-by city where he spent
his evenings in an apartment with a beautiful woman, and had photographs
to prove it.

When her husband returned from his "business trip," she confronted him
about his involvement with another woman. He then confessed to having a
second marriage. When his wife reacted in disbelief, the man said, . .
."I think it was bigamy to admit it."

*********************************************************

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The Alley Cat (you guess it, from Stan Kegel)

A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for
some time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the
bartender.

One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe
through the back door. Regrettably, only his body had made it through
when Gabe slammed the door, severing the cat's tail at its base. This
proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and
expired on the spot.

Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.

The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of
locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door
he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding
its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on
its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty after world complete.

Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: "I can't. You know the
law:... I can't retail spirits after 2:00 A. M..

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   Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        We value your privacy.
*************************************
LEGAL STUFF: You must be over 18 to subscribe to this list. These pieces
are published as submitted and I do not claim to own any copyright
privileges to them.  The work was sent as an item for the mailing list.
If you are a copyright owner of any of the material, please contact me
immediately at: smock@...
Credit will be given. If the author of a piece is known, credit will
always be given.  Items are published on a first received basis.
*************************************
______________________________________________________________________

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SCREAM OF THE CROP
Oct. 6


From MikeKovalcik@...

Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.
-Iara Gassen


*********************************************************
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Nutty  Humor sends free jokes to your email box every Monday and
Wednesday.  The jokes are pre-screened and come in different varieties.

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From: rubin@...

  25 Explanations by Programmers when their programs don't work:
               * (Physicians have very similar "explanations" )*

1. Strange...
2. I've never heard about that.
3. It did work yesterday.
4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
5. How is this possible?
6. The machine seems to be broken.
7. Has the operating system been updated?
8. The user has made an error again.
9. There is something wrong in your test data.
10. I have not touched that module!
11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
12. You must have the wrong executable.
13. Oh, it's just a feature.
14. I'm almost ready.
15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
16. It will be done in no time at all.
17. It's just some unlucky coincidense.
18. I can't test everything!
19. THIS can't do THAT.
20. Didn't I fix it already?
21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
22. It works, but it's not been tested.
23. Somebody must have changed my code.
24. There must be a virus in the application software.
25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?

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From Kelli: Top 5 Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex

5.      Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

4.      The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

3.      If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

2.      If you wear your Batman mask, no-one thinks you're kinky.

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!


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Want to subscribe to some of the funniest jokes online?
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From: Rodney Lee <rodney@...>

RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW:

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's down put it up.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he
can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster
trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different; it's just like every
other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.  Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like
it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad
probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will.  Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your dress?
21. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done - not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you.  We need it, just like you
do.
38. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed
makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter
us from reading the magazines.
39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out.
40. Anyone can buy condoms.

AND FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE RULE:
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

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From an anonymous jokester:

A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There
was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted
to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As
she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and
got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she
hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and
he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours
before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well,
I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the
Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land management before I could remove
old-growth timber from a recreational area."

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Many Computer systems will not be able to recognize the year 2000
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From Jeanne:


Toddler Miracle Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet.  The trouble with most
diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you
don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the
all-meat diet).  Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or
quit after 3 days.  Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most 2 year olds are trim.
Now, the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.
You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet,
otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!!!


  DAY ONE

Breakfast: 1 scrambled egg, 1 piece of toast with grape jelly.  Eat 2
bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite
of toast, smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: 4 crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, 1 glass of milk
(3 sips only, spill the rest).

Dinner: 1 dry stick, 2 pennies, 1 nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.


DAY TWO:

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.  Drink
1/2  bottle of vanilla extract or 1 vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: 1/2 tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog
Chow (any flavor). 1 ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop
it in dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril.  Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with a spoon.


   DAY THREE:

Breakfast: 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat 1 with fingers, rub in
hair.  Glass of milk, drink 1/2, stuff other pancake in glass.  After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on
cushion of best chair.

Lunch: 3 matches, peanut butter & jelly sandwich.  Spit several bites
onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.  Try
to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.


   FINAL DAY:

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive.  Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add 1/2 cup of
sugar.  Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find
that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: 1 glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball on
plate.  Stick of mascara for dessert.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

YOU CALL THIS A PUN. I call it like, real, man… From Stan Kegel,
kegel@...

The Zen Master

The Zen Master is visiting New York from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog
cart and says," Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a
hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The
vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?"
asks the Zen Master. And the vendor responds, ...  "Change must come
from within."

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When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.
TO SUBSCRIBE, send a blank e-mail to
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TO UNSUBSCRIBE, send a blank e-mail to
scream_of_the_crop-unsubscribe@egroups.com

Continue to use my personal email address to contribute jokes:
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VISIT the home of Scream of the Crop
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Agora/2859/jokes.htm

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

   Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        We value your privacy.
*************************************
LEGAL STUFF: You must be over 18 to subscribe to this list. These pieces
are published as submitted and I do not claim to own any copyright
privileges to them.  The work was sent as an item for the mailing list.
If you are a copyright owner of any of the material, please contact me
immediately at: smock@...
Credit will be given. If the author of a piece is known, credit will
always be given.  Items are published on a first received basis.
*************************************
______________________________________________________________________

Subscribe, unsubscribe, opt for a daily digest, or start a new e-group
at http://www.eGroups.com -- Free Web-based e-mail groups.

SCREAM OF THE CROP

Oct. 4/5

This is our first day on the listserver.  Yay! Your privacy is still
assured. I'll just save gobs of time getting stuff out to you. (Sorry to
send this issue a day behind schedule. I worked on list server stuff
nearly all day yesterday. Now we are set! Tnx for your patience.)

New subscribers, to join send a blank e-mail to
scream_of_the_crop-subscribe@egroups.com
Continue to use my personal email address to contribute jokes:
smock@....


For the new subscribers, let me tell you the first entry is an anomaly.
It is the first time I have distributed a story response to something
mentioned in Scream of the Crop. Many of you will be touched by the
story. If it's not your cup of tea, scroll down to the many jokes. And
if you are new to SOTCrop and would like to receive the issue that this
woman is referred to, just email me to ask for it
smock@....

Hi Shara,
         I was particularly touched by the information in the last Scream
of the Crop about Blacks.  I am of Cherokee decent, and was darker than
many of the lighter-skinned blacks as a child.  To make matters REALLY
awkward for me, my mother cut and permed my long, straight jet-black
hair before I began first grade in 1959.  Upon transfering to a suburban
school (my parents participated in the great White-Flight from the city
of Atlanta) in Feb. of 1960, I felt alone, isolated, and self-conscious
that first day.  I asked to go to the restroom late that morning, and
overheard this conversation as I walked back to the room in my silent,
rubber-heeled shoes:  "Jeannie is not a (N-word)!  She is an American
Indian, so it's okay to talk to her and sit near her.  Don't go home and
tell your mothers and fathers that your new student in the class is a
(N-word)."  I decided before I re-entered that classroom, that unless a
grade depended on it, I would not speak to, look at, or sit near
ANYONE--including the teacher!  If something was wrong with me because I
was not "white," then what difference did it make who my ancestors were?

I never forgot that lesson, and I have never been a part of those in the
South who think segregation is the way to go.  As a result, I tend not
to be welcome at family reunions or neighborhood gatherings if the
subject of race comes up.  The flip side of that is, I have somehow
managed not to develop that horrible fear that so many white people have
when they
realize they are in a group of mostly black people, or find themselves
in a black community--perhaps as a result of getting lost.

         A few years ago, I felt bad for my mother who was born and
raised in southwest Atlanta (she spent that whole summer in a nostalgic,
depressed state of mind), so I offered to take her back there for a
drive through her old neighborhood and to see her old school buildings.
Initially she was afraid, because the neighborhoods are all black now.
At one particular house that was dear to her, and where she had lived at
the age of seven with her parents and a pet goat, there were black
children playing in the front yard.  I drove slowly by and the children
saw me.  I could tell they were leary, but curious.  So I stopped, got
out of the car and stood in the street.  I introduced myself, and told
them my mother, who was in the car with the window down, had lived in
their house more than 50 years ago.  The children were fascinated!  I
saw a mother come to the front door, but she watched--she didn't say
anything to me.

I told the children my mother wanted to see the house again before she
dies, and that she had owned a pet goat there.  One child asked if my
mother was sick.  I said, no, she's just getting older.  Then the
smallest boy of the group--maybe 4 years old--said, "she had a goat?"
  I said, "Yes."  He said, "Where she keep it?"  I said, "In the backyard
in a little pen."  The child looked so disappointed and said, "He gone
now!"  Those children were so sweet to me.  They posed for me as a
group--with a dog--so I could get them in the photo I asked to take of
the house.  They asked if I could bring them a photo, and I promised I
would.  To my horror, the lab where my photos are developed accidentally
ruined that roll of film.  Mom and I returned a few days later  in hopes
of getting more photos and going inside to see the house.  But they were
not home.  So I left a note on the front door telling them how much I
enjoyed talking to them that day, and what happened to the pictures.

         I know this was long, but I thought you would appreciate it.  I
live for the day that all of us can love each other.  Thanks for all
your hard work, Jean Melilli
**
To this, I add: (FROM SHARA)

"Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man
will not himself find peace."
       - Dr. Albert Schweitzer

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

adas0124@..., Steven Adams master electrician from South Africa
says,
  "Smile, Before Smiles go on the endangered list."

*********************************************************
RANTINGS OF A MAD CLOWN

Get great jokes from a mad clown!
You know he's mad because he's giving them for FREE!

Send your email address to: comedyland@...

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From Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List"
McHawlist@...

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.  The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!"  The American said, "So, we were the
first on the Moon!"  The Blonde said, "So what!  We're going to be first
on the Sun!"  The Russian and American looked at each other and shook
their heads.  "You can't land on the Sun, you idiot!  You'll burn up!"
said the Russian.  To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know.  We're going at night!

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on
earth.  Does anybody want mine?  I certainly don't.
         -- Chuck Bonner
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Gingir says:

If you don't run your own life, somebody else will.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

New Woman magazine survey results:  What if ?

"When we asked you to tell us how you'd spend a day as a man, over 2,000
of you responded, eager to experience the joys of peeing while standing,
equal pay for equal work, and a rare chance to hold the remote. Here is
a winning entry:

$1,000 Winner, Robyn Fontes, New York City

I'd take my car to the mechanic, where I'd get accurate work at a fair
price. I'd walk to work and enjoy the sun without worrying about
wrinkles. I'd joke with my boss. I'd finally understand the appeal of
Howard Stern. I'd smile my shyest, cutest smile at every woman I passed
no matter her age or her looks. I'd stock up on condoms, let me leg hair
grow in, scratch when I itched. I wouldn't pluck one gray hair. I'd take
the money I saved on panty hose, makeup and chocolate, and invest in the
stock market. After work, I'd play basketball until the sweat rolled
into my eyes and down my neck. I'd go for the three-point shot. I'd
sing-loudly-in the locker room shower, and peek at the other guys. I'd
investigate boxers and briefs. I'd go out for a drink with my buddies,
and eat every peanut in the bowl-I burn more calories as a man. I'd pick
up the check. I'd take my mother out to dinner and tell her she's
beautiful and that my dad was a fool to leave her all those years ago.

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From:  Yucks-request@...
From: nev@...
Subject: Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening.
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@...>
Forwarded-by: Rob Windsor <windsor@...>
Forwarded-by: David Peck <dpeck@...>

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6 a.m.
  9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
  8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
  7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
  6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
  5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
  4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
  3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't
listening."
  2. Caught "churning butter" alone in the bathroom.
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

NO MORE lengthy questionnaires to fill out!

Here is a special offer just for our subscribers. Click here
http://www.get-it-for-free.com/smock to enter FREE contests. You can win
exotic trips, a new computer, and even $100 Grand CASH!

Enter DAILY to increase your chances of winning.  Play my FREE Trivia
game while you're there for your chance to win $25 and one of our many
daily prizes.  Good Luck!

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A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the
police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing
with.

"Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father.

"No," says the boy.

"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.

The boy hesitates before he says, "No,  ... I'm not sleepy yet."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

& as usual, a groaner written by Stan Kegel

Marrying Man (Pun)

Once upon a time, there was a man who married in his youth the most
perfect woman for him. She was beautiful, charming, witty, independent,
sexy and she loved her husband dearly. It  caused him the utmost grief
when she died not long after their marriage, and
he mourned her for many years.

In time he overcame his grief and married again, but this woman was
pretty only because of the volumes of makeup she wore, was witty only in
a painfully sarcastic way, was independent only because she could find
no one to be dependent on, was never sexy, and if she loved her husband,
it was in the most twisted fashion imaginable. He soon regretted his
decision to marry again, and booted the nagging witch as quickly as
possible.

After more time, the man eventually found another woman who was at least
the equal to his first wife, if not better. He was in luck, she did not
die, nor did she prove a Harpy after the vows were made, and they lived
many happy years and had several children. It did not take him long, in
fact, to get over what had proven to be ... a very brief mid-wife
crisis.

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iMac Sweepstakes - expires 10-9-98
Enter now to win a New Apple iMack, Jack!
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More from Stan Kegel, kegel@...

This guy who was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop
checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on
your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket for
that."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."

The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving
you a ticket."

***

Temple Restoration

         Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to
earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the rabbi of a
local temple if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and
the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they
decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase
their profits. When they finished the job they called the rabbi outside
to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the rabbi said and as he
started to hand them the check a small rain cloud appeared. All at once
there was lightning and thunder and the temple area was drenched with
rain. As the rain hit the temple the paint started running. Suddenly, as
the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven roared
... "Repaint. Repaint and thin no more."

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New subscribers, send a blank e-mail to
scream_of_the_crop-subscribe@egroups.com
Continue to use my personal email address to contribute jokes:
smock@....

VISIT the original home of Scream of the Crop - apply for my cyber award
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Agora/2859

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LEGAL STUFF: You must be over 18 to join. These pieces are published as
submitted and I do not claim to own any copyright privileges to them.
The work was sent as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a
copyright owner of any  of the material, please contact me immediately
at: smock@...
Credit will be given. If the author of a piece is known, credit will
always be given.  Items are published on a first received basis.
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______________________________________________________________________

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Hi, Andy.

Did you get this?
--
Shara Rendell-Smock

Author's SPECIAL HOLIDAY OFFER
My **Autographed** Books at a drastic reduction.
Getting Hooked: Fiction's Opening Sentences 1950s-1990s ($7.95 retail)
Only $6 per copy, signed AND postage paid.

Living with Big Cats ($11.95 retail) Only $8 each, signed AND postage
paid.
You could finish your gift giving with these.

Check out details at my site, then email me to order.
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Agora/2859

______________________________________________________________________

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did this work? Or is it a big joke?

Shara

______________________________________________________________________

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at http://www.eGroups.com -- Free Web-based e-mail groups.

test

--
Shara Rendell-Smock

Author's SPECIAL HOLIDAY OFFER
My **Autographed** Books at a drastic reduction.
Getting Hooked: Fiction's Opening Sentences 1950s-1990s ($7.95 retail)
Only $6 per copy, signed AND postage paid.

Living with Big Cats ($11.95 retail) Only $8 each, signed AND postage
paid.
You could finish your gift giving with these.

Check out details at my site, then email me to order.
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Agora/2859

______________________________________________________________________

Subscribe, unsubscribe, opt for a daily digest, or start a new e-group
at http://www.eGroups.com -- Free Web-based e-mail groups.