Yersinia's other poems

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(2) Hark! The Streptococcus Brings
  (Melody: "Hark! The Herald = Angels Sing")

Hark! the Streptococcus brings
Strep sore throat to all who sing,
Chloraseptic doesn't cure it
Other people's sneezing lures it.
If the strep bug has a virus
Scarlet fever then arises,
Cross reaction with the heart
Causes it to come apart,
Hark! the Streptococcus totes,
Toxin and fire to all it smotes.

Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,
Mucus fills the lungs with sleaze
A viscous greenish oozing cloak,
That causes you to gasp and choke
Without water you can drown
If you breathe the strep germ down
Hark! The Streptococcus breeds
The misery of a bad disease

Of fecal strep in food beware,
Methane gas befouls the air,
Speedily you drop your pants
As if they held live fire ants
On the toilet you are dying
Bent in pain, guts liquefying
Hail! the Streptococcus means
Glory to those who would be lean
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(3) O Humid Night (Melody: "O Holy Night")

O Humid Night
Anopheline mosquitoes
Are circling you in the hope of a meal.
She takes a bite, saliva from her mouthparts
Drool parasites which you can't see or feel

Your brain can get sick,
You will have a coma
After the rage and the headaches have passed
You're veggie soup, home to protozoa,
Mosquito lands, time to go home at last..

Fall on your knees,
Pale, burning with fever
Plasmodia
Are in your blood, were in your spleen
Malaria
There's no real cure, just in your dreams...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(4) Away in a Test Tube (Melody: "Away in a Manger")

Away in a test tube
My plague cultures grow
On nutrient agar
Mankind's greatest foe

It's easy to grow them
If one does it right
At thirty-five Celsius
All day and all night

Once they are ready
You can let them go
To sicken the masses
With pus-filled buboes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Van der waals with boughs of holly..."

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

NEW OR CHANGED IN THE SCIENCE JOKES COLLECTION THIS WEEK
Version 7.63.4 Time-stamp: "December 9, 2009"
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New entry

After a long time we received something new.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=3. CHEMISTRY
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=3.1 CHEMISTRY POETRY
*4C________________________________________________________________________
From: Nancy Dobson <nancybrian45#NoSpam.yahoo.co.uk>

Rock and Roll Chemistry

(tune: Rock and Roll Christmas)

Chemistry! Chemistry! Chemistry!

Light the Bunsen, safety flame
You’re gonna be so glad you came
Grab a splint, go get some fire
Come on and get it burning higher
Good to see, a heatproof mat
Over which the burner sat
Turning up the methane gas
What a blast in Chemistry class

Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
H2 makes a squeaky pop
You’ll wish this fun would never stop
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
O2 makes our splints burn bright
We’re gonna do these lessons right

Guys and Gals, stay in late
They’re so excited to titrate
Let there be some HCl
What will the indicator tell
We’re gonna drip, we’re gonna drop
We’re gonna make the endpoint stop
Swirl the flask and that will be
Great results in chemistry

Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Extracting iron in the lab
Chemistry practicals are fab
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Electroplated all our keys
We can’t go home, we’ll stay here please

And you’ll be rockin’ in your stockin’
When you see your alkalis
Because it’s weaker in your beaker
You won’t believe your big blue eyes

Come on in, join the fun
It’s test tube time for everyone
Weigh some CuSO4
That’s not enough? Well get some more
Pour in some H2O
Watch while your thermometers go
Up, up, up! Oh what an attraction
An exothermic heat reaction

Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
All dressed up, here we go
In our labcoats white as snow
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Safety goggles on our face
We might need them just in case

Chemistry! Chemistry! Chemistry!
It’s chemistry!

Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Borax, glue we’ll make some slime
It’s so much fun in Chemistry Time
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Vinegar, milk, we’re making plastic
Wow this science is fantastic

Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Flame tests colours burning red
You might just guess which one is lead
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Zinc and acid making gas
Science lessons make us laugh

Chemistry! Chemistry! Chemistry!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=4. BIOLOGY
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=4.1 BIOLOGY POETRY
*4B________________________________________________________________________
From: Nancy Dobson <nancybrian45#NoSpam.yahoo.co.uk>

Oh Come All Ye Cells Now
(tune: Oh Come All Ye Faithful)

Oh come all ye cells now
Join in replication
Start duplication
Of your chromosomes
Call it mitosis
Fantastic process

Chromatids start in prophase
Chromosomes dart in metaphase
Poling apart in anaphase
Split in telophase

Chromosomes pair up
In all cells somatic
It's automatic
In each daughter cell
Counting the diploid
Number that is employed

Chromatids start in prophase
Chromosomes dart in metaphase
Poling apart in anaphase
Split in telophase

De-oxy-ribo
Nucleic acid
Another facet
Of all living cells
Nuclear division
Is each cell's ambition

Chromatids start in prophase
Chromosomes dart in metaphase
Poling apart in anaphase
Split in telophase

*4B________________________________________________________________________
From: Nancy Dobson <nancybrian45#NoSpam.yahoo.co.uk>

The Fertiliser

(tune: The First Noel)

The fertiliser
The chemists did say
Was from N­2 and H2
Compressed in this way
Catalysts come in play
And by keeping in heat
In a high pressure vessel
That was so neat

Haber, Haber
Haber, Haber
Born is the process
For ammonia

The fertiliser
The biologists say
Give plants nutrients essential
To grow big this way
In fields where there’s
Excess nitrates it makes
Eu-tro-phication
and algae in lakes

Haber, Haber
Haber, Haber
Born is the process
For ammonia
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=5. EARTH SCIENCES
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=5.1 GEOLOGY
*4_________________________________________________________________________
From: Nancy Dobson <nancybrian45#NoSpam.yahoo.co.uk>

Igneous Rock

(tune: Jingle Bell Rock)

Igneous, Igneous, Igneous Rock
Volcanic magma waiting to pop
Bubbling and brewing up bushels of fun
Now eruption time has begun

Igneous, Igneous, Igneous Rock
Lava starts flowing; boy, is it hot!
Molten, then cooling in crystalline layers
In the frosty air

Sedimentary
Elementary
In all tectonic plates
Metamorphic
We're euphoric
To find that pressure
Turned the shale into slate

Silica makes up a rock holding quartz
Basalt and granite blocks
A-mix and a-mingle
And Vesuvian shock
That's the Igneous Rock

Igneous, Igneous, Igneous Rock
Extrusive forms when magma is hot
Rising up from the depths of the Earth’s core
Onto the surface or on the sea floor

Igneous, Igneous, Igneous Rock
Intrusive feldspar is found a lot
Crystallised slowly with grains you can spy
With the naked eye

Sedimentary
Elementary
In all tectonic plates
Metamorphic
We're euphoric
To find that pressure
Turned the shale into slate

Igneous, Igneous, Igneous Rock
Rocking around the clock
A-mix and a-mingle
And a volcanic block
That’s the Igneous
That’s the Igneous
That’s the Igneous Rock



--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

(1) A Mad Scientist Christmas  -- Yersina

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru my house,
Not a specimen was stirring, not even a louse.
The test tubes were capped and the rat cages closed,
The mold cultures fuzzy, the mice in repose.
The oven kept warm the ebola and pox,
I still need to locate my husband's clean socks...
But that has to wait till tomorrow, I know;
My buggies still need that much more time to grow.

When from the kitchen came a massive explosion,
I leapt from my bed in perpetual motion.
Grabbing my lab coat I pulled on my pants,
Struggling into them a sick sort of dance.
With fury and haste I put on a shirt,
Running out of the bedroom on feet black with dirt.
Buttoning my lab coat and donning a mask,
I ran into the kitchen holding an Erlenmeyer flask.

I nearly passed out when the man who I saw,
dressed in containment gear sealed without flaw,
Held high a huge sack with his arm stiff and straight,
I could tell he must have a hard time with his weight.
Through the mike from his suit he said without pause,
"Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas, I'm Hanta Claus!"
Over his shoulder he hefted the sack,
We walked into the living room, I offered a snack.
He took it and smiled, placed the sack by my bench,
Instantly I noticed the Clostridium stench.
Brimming with joy, I cried out with glee,
"Did you bring all of these germies for me?"
"Oh yes," said Hanta, "I must show propriety;
By bringing you microbes, I'm saving society.
"You are the only one who loves these diseases.
Therefore I'm glad to oblige who it pleases."

Delirious with excitement I sat by his side
While he gave me a year's stock of microscope slides,
And pasteur pipettes, drug resistant bacteria,
Such as staph, strep and cultures from the genus Neisseria.

The gleam in my eyes caused the house to be lit,
The moment he gave me a gram-staining kit,
Clostridium tetani, perfringens and sporogenes,
Salmonella typhi and Streptococcus pyogenes!
Plus viruses known to produce hepatitis,
Herpes, and rabies, yellow fever and meningitis!
But that was not all, he had parasites too,
Plasmodia, trypanosomes and schistosomes true!
Tapeworms and roundworms, plague-carrying fleas.
How sincerely generous, Hanta did aim to please!

At long last he said he must now go away,
His sled was experiencing radioactive decay.
"Thanks for the presents," I said, shaking his hand,
"They'll keep me off the streets, you understand."

Hanta Claus smiled and bid me goodnight,
Shouting "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good blight!"

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

NEW OR CHANGED IN THE SCIENCE JOKES COLLECTION THIS WEEK
Version 7.63.3  Time-stamp: "July 19, 2009"
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New entry
& Changed entry
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=4. BIOLOGY
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=4.2 BIOLOGY QUOTES
&3B_________________________________________________________________________
From: eugenio#NoSpam.ci.uminho.pt (Eugenio Campos Ferreira)

"The best model of a cat is another cat or, better, the cat itself" -
N.WIENER

From: Eric DeLeon <ericdeleon7269#NoSpam.gmail.com>

The quote listed can actually be credit to Arturo Rosenblueth, who, at one
time or another actually worked with Norbert Wiener, and is more accurate
as follows:

"The best model of a cat is another cat..., specially the same cat."

   -- Arturo Rosenblueth (Arturo Rosenblueth Stearns (October 2, 1900
   September 20, 1970) was a Mexican researcher, physician and physiologist,
   who is known as one of the pioneers of cybernetics.


--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

NEW OR CHANGED IN THE SCIENCE JOKES COLLECTION THIS WEEK
Version 7.63.2  Time-stamp: "June 7, 2009"
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New entry
& Changed entry
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=2. PHYSICS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=2.14 ASTRONOMY
*2P________________________________________________________________________

From: "Harry Farkas" <hfarkas#NoSpam.wowway.com>

"I'm quite fond of astronomy," Tom said nebulously.


--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

NEW OR CHANGED IN THE SCIENCE JOKES COLLECTION THIS WEEK
Version 7.63.1  Time-stamp: "June 1, 2009"
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New entry
& Changed entry
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=2. PHYSICS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=2.10 QUANTUM MECHANICS (STARRING SCHROEDINGERS CAT)
*1P________________________________________________________________________

From: Erin Webster <erinkaywebster#NoSpam.gmail.com>

Heisenberg was driving on the freeway in Boston, on his way to Harvard
University to give a dissertation. Being used to driving on the autobahn,
Heisenberg was speeding. He soon noticed flashing lights in his rearview
mirror. He pulled over and rolled down the window.

"What seems to be the problem officer?" Heisenberg asked.

"Do you have any idea how fast you were driving?" questioned the officer,
incredulously.

"No," replied Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"

The officer exclaimed, "You were going 105 miles per hour!"

And then Heisenberg gasps, looks around, and says, "Where am I?!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=2.13 PHYSICISTS
*1P________________________________________________________________________
From: Prof. Rudolf von Steiger <vsteiger#NoSpam.issibern.ch>

University XY needs to employ a new physics professor. The search committee
agrees to select the candidate who gives the best answer to a single
question: Which is higher - the speed of light or the speed of sound?

Enters the first of three candidates. He replies: Well of course it's the
speed of light. When I switch on my radio the power light comes on
immediately but it takes a while until I can hear the sound. (This was back
in the days of tube amplifiers.)

The second candidate replies: Of course it's the speed of sound. When I
switch on my TV set I can hear the sound first but it takes a while until I
can see the picture. (This was a CRT set, of course.)

The third candidate says: Ah -- thats a trick question! Of course I know
that everybody claims the speed of light is faster than the speed of
sound. But in fact both speeds are the same. What makes us think that light
is faster is simply the fact that our eyes are in front of our ears.



--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

NEW OR CHANGED IN THE SCIENCE JOKES COLLECTION THIS WEEK
Version 7.62.6  Time-stamp: "April 4, 2009"
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New entry
& Changed entry
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=8. ACADEMIC LIFE
*6_________________________________________________________________________
  From Phil Lee (p.lee#NoSpam.barnsley.org)

Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A, The current theory is one but new theories are being put forward all
the time and with experimentation the old theory may be discredited.


--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

It is March, the 14th,  pi day.
You can find all about it on http://www.exploratorium.edu/pi/index.html

Now,  I could remail the same jokes I did last year, and the year before
and the year before.... but you have already seen them.  If not , you
could look on my webpage.
Instead I will point you to the movie trailer for of Al G. Bra starring
in Live and let PI.  Guess what the number of the agent is.
Trust me.  This is great.

Joachim.

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

NEW OR CHANGED IN THE SCIENCE JOKES COLLECTION THIS WEEK
Version 7.62.5 Time-stamp: "March 8, 2009"
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New entry
& Changed entry
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=8. ACADEMIC LIFE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=8.8 EXAMS
*5________________________________________________________________________
From: FunHunter <armataultra#NoSpam.gmail.com>

Philosophy Final Exam

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing
his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, “Using every
applicable thing you’ve learned in this course, prove to me that this
chair DOES NOT EXIST.”

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are
preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn’t exist,
except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer,
then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final
grades … and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for
thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=9. MISCELLANY
*5_________________________________________________________________________
  From Karl (karl88#NoSpam.pobox.com)


Rene Descartes was working on a new book. his kids were playing in the
kitchen, banging on pots and pans. Rene shouts at them "KIDS! Stop making
that racket! I can't think!". and he disappeared.


--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

NEW OR CHANGED IN THE SCIENCE JOKES COLLECTION THIS WEEK
Version 7.62.4  Time-stamp: "February 21, 2009"
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New entry
& Changed entry

As I no longer get several additions a week,  I just refreshed  when
something came in.   But this week the jokes keep coming.   -- Joachim.
Here are 2 new ones.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=9. MISCELLANY
*4_________________________________________________________________________
  From Peter Ellis (ellis.peter#NoSpam.BSSC.EDU.AU)

Here's another I could only remember fragments and found it on the web by
typing in the first line, and the origin is given there. However I remember
'und equipment' being in the first line and that's not on the web. It turns
out a colleague of mine Ken Lindrea, a retired Chemistry teacher, first
came across it in the mid 1960s while working at the Bendigo Ordnance
Factory and passed it onto me. I had it pinned up in our old labs at the
former Bendigo Technical College at McCrae St. We took it with us on our
move out to the Flora Hill site in 1971 and it was on display throughout
that decade. But in the meantime it was lost at what is now Latrobe
University Bendigo. My resurrecting these things has been to the amusement
and delight of some of my science friends.

                           Achtung!

Das Machine und Equipment is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist
easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken
sightseeren musten keepen das cotton pickenen hands in das pockets, relaxen
und watchen das blinkenlights

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=9.6 MURPHY'S LAW
*4_________________________________________________________________________
From: Brian G. Thomas <bgthomas#NoSpam.uiuc.edu>

Corollary to Murphy's Law (paraphrased):

If it can be shown that something that could have gone wrong did not go
wrong, then subsequent events will prove that everything would ultimately
have turned out better if that thing had gone wrong.


--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

NEW OR CHANGED IN THE SCIENCE JOKES COLLECTION THIS WEEK

Version 7.62.3 Time-stamp: "February 19, 2009"
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New entry
& Changed entry
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=11. MNEMONICS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=11.5 CHEMISTRY
&3C_________________________________________________________________________

PERIODIC TABLE
From Peter Ellis (ellis.peter#NoSpam.BSSC.EDU.AU)

Hydrogen
He
Lies    Beneath                                                      Bright  
Coloured Nights Of    Flame    Neon
Natures Magicians                                                    All     
Sing     Psalms So    Clearly  Argon
King    Califf Scatters Titles Vainly Crowning Men Fee Coh & Ni CuZn Gar &   
Gee      As     Seven Brothers Krypton


Note CuZn is pronounced Cousin, Ni is pronounced Knee. I always knew Ga as
Gar, but Glenise Moors says it’s Gay, but I thought that wouldn’t be so
kosher with the different innotation today, so I’ve stayed with my saying.

This mnemonic was taught to us in First Year Diploma Chemistry in 1962 as
an aid to remember the first three periods of the atomic table by our
teacher Alec McLelland.
You had to remember to put Hydrogen in at the start,
then it begins for Helium and Lithium with 'He Lies’.


  --

Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

Some silliness to celebrate the start of the Darwin year:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Darwin:
A1: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
A2: The fittest chickens cross the road.
A3: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in
such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

From: mini-air
1996-07-04    Scientific Correctness Survey

A recent survey by the U.S. National Science Foundation found that
52% of the respondents believe that the earliest human beings
lived at the same time as the dinosaurs.

Once again it is time to vote on "scientifical correctness" and
help the scientific community decide which side of various issues
it should accept as "correct".

Please check only one:

13% Dinosaurs and man walked together millions of years ago.
06% Dinosaurs and man walked together less than 10,000 years ago.
61% Dinosaurs and man walked together, but it was purely platonic.
14% Dinosaurs became extinct before the first humans existed.
06% Humans became extinct before the first dinosaurs existed.

But later on, mini-air reported:
1997-01-12    Scientific Correctness: Dino Survey Results

Thank you to everyone who participated in the first of our
SCIENTIFIC CORRECTNESS SURVEYS to establish the correct answers to
heated scientific controversies. This first question is now
settled. The lion and the lamb, the preacher and the politician,
the spider and the fly -- all can now walk hand in hand (or other,
analogous appendage), in harmonious agreement.
Here are the results, of the vote:

33% Dinosaurs and man walked together less than 10,000 years ago.
30% Dinosaurs became extinct before the first humans existed.
23% Dinosaurs and man walked together millions of years ago.
09% Humans became extinct before the first dinosaurs existed.
02% Declined, or were unable, to express an opinion
02% Agreed with all of the choices listed above
01% Dinosaurs and man walked together, but it was purely platonic.

Investigator Thomas B. Roos reports that he plans to use this
survey in future exams at Dartmouth College.

Investigator J. Mohler reports, "As documented in the comic strip
"Alley Oop", while dinosaurs and humans coexisted during
prehistoric times, they rarely if ever walked together. When they
were going in the same direction, the human invariably choose to
ride."

Investigator John J. Lannutti concludes that, currently,
"dinosaurs mostly fly while man mostly walks."

Investigator Jim Culter concludes that dinosaur bones were placed
in the fossil strata 10,000 years ago in order to confuse and
mislead 20th century scientists, and that dinosaurs never actually
existed.

Investigator Frank Stephan raises a concern common to the German
scientific community, in reporting, "This vote is placed in the
belief, that alligators do not count as dinosaurs in spite of the
fact that these two species are relatives. But in this case it was
more a hating than loving relationship."


--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

I saw some Valentine's day advertising and thought that I would be  a
few days early this year with some Valentine stuff.  Just  as a
variation on my being a day late . :-)

                             MATH/PHYSICS VALENTINES



From: Mathew Gustafson <mgustafson@...>
Remember those cheesy valentines you used to get when you were in
elementary school?  Well I give something similar to my Math Physics
students on Valentines day.  I tried it last year with good success and I
was hoping that I could get some more ideas for cards.  So it was
recommended that I tap some of the greatest minds around, which is why I'm
here. I'm not sure if anyone can help me, but if you have any more ideas or
suggestions I would be greatly appreciative.  Thanks in advance.

Mathew

The following is a list I have come up with already:
* You're one of the fundamental forces in my life.  Be my Valentine.
* You're the net force that makes my heart accelerate.  Be my Valentine.
* There's an attraction between us, I think its gravity.  Be my Valentine.
* You're so great they should name a constant after you.  Be my Valentine.
* We're like opposite charges.  Be my Valentine.
* The lines of force point me towards you.  Be my Valentine.
* Like resonance tubes, we're in harmony together.  Be my Valentine.
* We add up to a good team.  Be my Valentine.
* You're a positive exponent in my life.  Be my Valentine.
* If they plotted you and I on a scatter-plot, they would find a positive
   correlation.  Be my Valentine.
* You're a positive exponent in my life.    Be my Valentine.
* You're the only variable for me.  Be my Valentine.
* Like functions, you're the only value for me.  Be my Valentine.

From: "J Walradt" <jwalradt@...>
* Looking for an affractionate girl. Be my Valentine.
* Met you at the decimall. Be my Valentine.

From: "Marcel LeBlanc" <marleb@NO_spam_montrealnet.net>
* Talking about you, I told my best friend "I would never lever!" .Be my
   Valentine
* I don't care if your breasts pendulum, be my Valentine < not for young
   students ;-) >
* Do you also feel the attraction? Be my Valentine
* Do you see the gravity of this situation? You have to be my Valentine
* When I first saw you I felt the Big Bang ! Be my Valentine
* Ion the other hand, would love for you to be my Valentine
* The only predicate: be my Valentine
* At absolute zero you would still move me. Be my Valentine
* Be my Valentine, even if it's only Faraday
* My theorem is : you'd be great as my Valentine
* I'm attracted, don't repel me. Be my Valentine
* We'd make a nice tuple on Valentine, be mine
* I want our relationship to be Ex-Static, be my Valentine
* Don't be square, be my Valentine
* Love hertz, be my Valentine
* Wave if you accept to be my Valentine
* The frequency of our dating would amplify if you are my Valentine

From: "James D. Davis" <jimd@...>
* Oh, you could try the nerdy approach...
     My love for you is incalculable.
* Or you could try Tweety Bird talk...
     I'm equate-y for you!
* Or you could get a bit racy...
     Algebras in the world can't measure up to your curvilinear
     structure. Beta Valentine of my life.

From:         mark@... (Mark Samwick)
* I've finally worked up the courage to ask ... be a joule and Be My
   Valentine.
* Would you be inclined to Be My Valentine?
* It would matter to me if you'd agree to Be My Valentine.
* End the chaos in my life.  Be My Valentine.
* I feel an impulse to ask you to Be My Valentine.
* I've finally overcome the inertia of shyness to ask you to Be My
   Valentine.
* I love your body with naked singularity.  Be My Valentine.
* I hope that my boldness in asking you to Be My Valentine won't cause
   friction in our relationship!
* I think of you with more and more frequency.  Be My Valentine.
* I can't resist asking you to Be My Valentine.
* You generate excitement in my life.  Be My Valentine.
* I hope that from the smile on my face, you can extrapolate that I want
   you to Be My Valentine.
* If you'll agree to Be My Valentine from across the room, please
   signify by giving me a standing wave.
* If I ask you to Be My Valentine on February 15th, will you overlook
   that relative deviation?
* I think our relationship has potential.  Be My Valentine.
* My heart is sad.  You can rectify that by agreeing to Be My Valentine.
* My affection for you will never decay.  Be My Valentine.
* Are you going to Be My Valentine, or watt?
* Every second I think of you riding that Schwinn, and it hertz.  Be My
   Valentine.

From: "TM" <cpchand@...>
* Be my valen[cy]-tine.
* Be my valentine and I square I'll be yours.

From: Mav <grossm@...>
* You're the root of my affection.  I really mean it!
* In case you didn't hear, I'll theta gain... Be mine!
* Give me a sine... Will you be my Valentine?
* My heart and my foot-pounds when you are around.
* We could be dynamic together!
* I'll give you a moment to decide if you'll be mine.
* I need to ask yaw... will you be mine?
From: banalboy@... (Banal Boy)
* If you're looking for synthesis your opportunity, Be my Valentine.
* I can't wait to explore your fuzzy boundaries. Be my Valentine.

From:         rg@... (Megan Waves)
* It was a magnetic moment when we met. Be my valentine.
* You're the Great Attractor. Be my valentine.

From:         pml <lavietes@...>
Roses reflect a light frequency at one end of the visible
electromagnetic spectrum,

Violets reflect a light frequency at the other end of the visible
electromagnetic spectrum,

Sugar is C12H22O11,

And you release the endorphins in my brain.

From: laurence@... (Laurence Godfrey)

* I would like to make you an eigenfunction of my Hamiltonian.

* May I Lorentz boost into your centre of mass?

* I expect your wave function to be degenerate under this operator.


From: "codeZ" <deevv@...>

I am a positron spiralling in your electric field.

Let my electron tunnel trough your barrier acquering negative energy defying
space-time quantization.

There is a force (F = r + 1/(r^4), r=distance) between us that gets larger
with distance.,,,

From: Mikael Johansson <mik@...>
\sigma(me)/me = \sigma(you)/you -- Be my Valentine!
The sum of my divisors equals the sum of yours -- Be my Valentine!
You = K_f(Me) -- Be my Valentine! (K_f is the Love transform)
We differ by multiplication of a unit -- Be my Valentine!
My module is faithful -- Be my Valentine!
We are connected by a natural homomorphism -- Be my Valentine!
You are a purely inseparable extension of me -- Be my Valentine!
My love for you is an invariant under the transformations of others -- Be
my Valentine!
You are a primitive element of my life -- Be my Valentine!
You are the sum of your divisors -- Be my Valentine!
Every polynomial is separable over you -- Be my Valentine!
All our loops are contractible to a point -- Be my Valentine!

From: "Sarah K." <hiphopgirl@...>
My atoms are attracted to your electrons.

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

NEW OR CHANGED IN THE SCIENCE JOKES COLLECTION THIS WEEK
Version 7.62.2  Time-stamp: "February 7, 2009"
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New entry
& Changed entry
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=3. CHEMISTRY
&2C__________________________________________________________________________
methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine,

n.:  The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
         1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
                 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and

From: sageis#NoSpam.charter.net

methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserinesque.

Adj, A state of being very similar to that of tryptophan synthetase. 1,917!


--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

NEW OR CHANGED IN THE SCIENCE JOKES COLLECTION THIS WEEK
Version 7.62.1 Time-stamp: "February 1, 2009"
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New entry
& Changed entry
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=11. MNEMONICS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=11.4 PHYSICS
&1P_________________________________________________________________________
Planets. There are officially eight now, but most of these are from the
nine age.

From: slavins#NoSpam.psy.man.ac.uk (Simon Slavin)
And the planet one (which I got from Robert A. Heinleins "Have Space Suit,
Will Travel):
Mother very thoughtfully made a jam sandwich under no protest.
for: Mercurius, Venus, thoughfully = Terra = Earth, Mars, Asteroids,
Jupiter, Saturnus, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto.

(Between Febrary 7, 1979 and February 11, 1999 Pluto is closer to the Sun
than Neptune. It will be closer again after 2227. Some of the mnemonic
refer to that situation, so beware.)

From: fjh4#NoSpam.tutor.open.ac.uk (Triple Quadrophenic)
  From the "Schrodinger's Cat" series by RA Wilson
- Mother Very Easily Made a Jam Sandwich Using No Peanuts, Mayonnaise or
Glue

From: snowhare#NoSpam.xmission.com (Snowhare)
Mike Bandy wrote on 20 Jul 1994 09:33:13 -0400:
Most Volcanoes Erupt Mouldy Jam Sandwiches Under Normal Pressure

Many Viscious Earth Monsters Just Sat Under Nellies Porch

From: dolf#NoSpam.echo.tds.philips.nl (Dolf Grunbauer)
Planets in the solar system.
My Very Excellant Memory Just Stores Up Nine Planets.

From: badger#NoSpam.phylo.life.uiuc.edu (Jonathan Badger)
My Very Educated Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pizzas

Actually, currently, I guess it is Pizzas Nine...

From: Atreju <someone#NoSpam.who.hates.junkmail>
The one I learned in school is:
My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets!

From: tigger#NoSpam.cheerful.com (tigger)
My very easy method just set up nine planets.

From: jeff.zeitlin#NoSpam.execnet.com (Jeff Zeitlin)

Planets of the Solar System, in order:

My Very Extravagant Mother Just Sent Us Nine Parrots.

When Pluto comes closer to the sun than Neptune:

.. Just Sent Us Pine Nuts.

From: danield#NoSpam.cruzio.com (Daniel Drabek)
My Valet Edward Makes Juicy Sandwiches Using Needles & Pins. (thank you
Mr. Triggs-7th grade science)

From: milne#NoSpam.acs6.acs.ucalgary.ca (Bruce Milne)
Mary's Violet Eyes Make Johnny Stay Up Nights Period

From: John Quest <oldsalt#NoSpam.haidernetworks.com>
Melanie's violet eyes make adoring John sit up nights,pining.
(MErcury,Venus,Earth,MArs,Asteroidbelt
,Jupiter,Saturn,Uranus,Neptune,Pluto )

From: kirrilyr#NoSpam.union3.su.swin.edu.au (Kirrily Robert - SINN Editor)
Many Very Early Mornings Julie Sits Up Naming Planets

From: ted_swift#NoSpam.qm.sri.com (Ted Swift)
Matilda Visits Every Thursday, Just

Stays Until Noon, Period.

From: "biggerten" <norkunas#NoSpam.NqOwSePsAtM.net>
Martha Visits Every Monday And Just Sits Until Noon Period. (With
Asteroids)

From: billa#NoSpam.znet.com (Bill Arnett)
My favorite so far is this one for the order of the planets:
"Many voters earn money just showing up near polls".
I believe it is attributed to Isaac Asimov.

From: Hazel Webb <hazel#NoSpam.robhaz.dircon.co.uk>
I remember as a child learning them by "Many Very Energetic Men Jump
Sideways Under Nelly Parker"

From: BillFerris (billferris#NoSpam.aol.com)
My Very Efficient Motorcycle, A JS,Uses No Petrol.

From: Bevan Harris (BMH#NoSpam.bigpond.com)
Another one for the planets, courtesy of Greg Lowe at Perth Observatory.
My Very Early Model Jaguar Just Smashed Up Near Pinjarra.
(Pinjarra is a moderate sized country town about 80km south of Perth.)

From: jh#NoSpam.brainiac.com (Joe Hartley)
Miss Victoria's Ears Make Jumping Shockingly Uncomfortable Near
Porcupines.

From: "Ron" <ronpaludan#NoSpam.msn.com>
My Very Elegant Mother Just Sat Upon Nine Porcupines.

From: "Alex Ottway" <alexottway#NoSpam.email.com>
Space Men Vote Earth Most Jolly (of the) Solar Universe's Nine Planets.
It even tells the uninitiated which end the Sun is!!

From: "Gareth Slee"
Many Varied Earthlings Munch Jam Sandwiches Under Newspaper Piles

From: tomv#NoSpam.vismag.limmat.net.ch (Thomas Voirol)

A German one:

Mein Mercury my Vater Venus father Erklaert Earth explains Mir Mars (to) me
Jeden Jupiter every Sonntag Saturn sunday Unsere Uranus our Neuen Neptune
new Plaene Pluto plans

This will help you remember the sequence of sol's planets. If you speak
German, that is...

From: Suzanne Sarlette/Gerald Pearson <suegerry#NoSpam.mut1.muscanet.com>
French mnemonic for the order of the planets:
Mon vieux, Tu m'as jette sur une nouvelle planet!
Mercury, Venus, Terre (earth), Mars, ASteroids, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus,
Neptune, Pluto

From: Jean-Philippe Granchi <jean-philippe.granchi#NoSpam.ota.fr.socgen.com>
Me Voici Tout Mouillé J'ai Suivi Un Nageur Poilu

English: Now I'am wet I was following a hairy diver This sentence has
great success with young (French) amateur … :-)

From: Jean Debord <JDebord#NoSpam.compuserve.com>
A French mnemonic for the planets Monsieur, vous tirez mal - Je suis un
novice pitoyable. (Mister, you shoot badly - I am a pitiful beginner) I
have found them in the last issue (October 1998) of "Pour la science"
(french edition of "Scientific American").

From: Gerald Pearson & Sue Sarlette <suegerry#NoSpam.muscanet.com>
I myself use a French one, which I saw posted a few years ago on the
Astronomy echo on Fidonet by some guy in France. I think it's sort of
nifty :-)

Mon vieux, tu m'as jete sur une nouvelle planete.

(My French spelling is terrible, so I can't guarantee the spelling! I just
remember the sound.)

From: Yael Naze <naze#NoSpam.astro.ulg.ac.be>
Another way of learning the planet's order in French : Ma Vieille Tante
Marie Joue Sur Un Nouveau Piano (English Translation: my old aunt Mary
plays on a new piano)


From: grapeape#NoSpam.aol.comjunk (GrapeApe)

I always had problems with Uranus and Neptune- the order of the rest is a
snap.

I think an early Mnemonic might even be to blame for my UN problem, due to
the creator of the mnemonic wanting to make the word Sun-up to end the
Mnemonic from Saturn to Pluto. Two Uranuses?

A mnemonic with too much unused filler is more confusing than helpful.

I think the mnemonic I was taught was

Many very eager men jump (at) SuNuP.

From: Brian Hiles <bsh#NoSpam.rawbw.com>
I came up with one which I think has at least the virtue of being in the
form of a rhyme, which studies show enhances the ability to recall it, but
also to develop a long-lasting memory of it and memorize it in the first
place.

"Most vegetarians eat meatsteak;
[and] just some usually never partake."

"Meatsteak" is an archaism for "meat"; the medieval distinction between
"meat" and "steak" is that the former term was applied to _any_ staple in
the diet, whereas the latter is was we now associate with the word -- this
not-too-artificial-I-hope term allows the couplet to rhyme. Note that the
conjunction "and" may or may not be placed as the first word of the second
line to indicate the order of the Asteroid Belt amongst the planets, and
that the two lines distinguish the Terrestrials from the Jovians -- if you
discount Pluto, which may lose its planetary distinction in the near
future. ("MVEMJSUN"?)

From: john Latala <jrlatala#NoSpam.golden.net>

Man Very Early Made (All) Jars Stand Up Nearly Perpendicularly.

From: "Noel" <noel#NoSpam.draiochtltd.ie>
I learned this one in secondary school:
Men Very Early Made Journeys Seeking Unidentified New Planets.

From: don.lotto#NoSpam.paradise.net.nz

"My Very Enlightened Mentor
Just Showed Us Nirvana." (G.S. Bradley.)

"My Van Errands Must Always Join
Seven United Neighbours." (Chas HNFD.)


--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

NEW OR CHANGED IN THE SCIENCE JOKES COLLECTION THIS WEEK
Version 7.62  Time-stamp: "January 25, 2009"
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New entry
& Changed entry
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=11. MNEMONICS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=11.6 BIOLOGY AND MEDICINE
&0B________________________________________________________________________
From: abw#NoSpam.bu.edu (Al Wesolowsky)

  Anatomy, for the bones of the wrist:

"Never lower Tillie's pants. Grandmother might come home."

Navicular Lunate Triquetral Pisiform Greater Multangular Lesser Multangular
Capitate Hamate

From: spbcajk#NoSpam.ucl.ac.uk (Mr Andrew John Kale)
I was always taught this as :

Scabby Lucy Tried Peeing Having Copulated Twenty Times

Scaphoid Lunate Triquetral Pisiform Hamate Capitate ... and two others I've
forgotten (it was a long time ago!)

From: "Etihad Shobeir" <Etihadsh#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

She Looks Too Pretty, Try To Catch Her
scaphoid
lunate
triquetrum
Pisiform,
Trapezium
trapezoid
Capetate
Hamat

From: Carolyn <carolynrhodebeck#NoSpam.yahoo.com>

I use "Sexual Lovers Try Positions That They Can't Handle."
   Scared works too.

From: Kristen <parisi47#NoSpam.gmail.com>
Tiny Testicles Can Have Sperm Like TadPoles

  From lateral to medial, distal row first.

From: "Lyn Smither" <lyn_smither#NoSpam.hotmail.com>
  anatomy- bones of wrist
  The more shocking the better: "her cunts too tight, so lubricate the
penis" has always stuck with me.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=11.8 MISCELLANY
&0_________________________________________________________________________
From: davek#NoSpam.microware.com (Dave Kimble)
MUSIC: order of sharps:

Father Charles Goes Down And Ends Battle

order of flats: Battle Ends And Down Goes Charles' Father

From: Frederick Rabin <rabin#NoSpam.fr.com>
Order of sharps:
Fat Cats Get Dizzy After Eating Beans.

From: Kristen <parisi47#NoSpam.gmail.com>
Fat Charlie Gets Drunk At Every Bar

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

And here is the last one.

Merry Christmas.

Joachim.


From: Jane Houston Jones

       The week before Solstice

Twas the week before Solstice, when all through the city,
Not a planet was shining, now isn't that a pity.
The telescope was stored in the garage with despair,
In hopes that the weather would soon turn to fair.

The astronomers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of nebulae danced in their heads.
And Mojo with his laptop and  I with my starmap,
Had just settled down for a cloudy night nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew with a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon shone brightly, no clouds hid the glow,
The full moonlit lustre to objects below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Pleiades, Orion, and Ursa Major, the bear.

With our trusty old telescope, the setup was quick,
I knew in a moment we had objects to pick.
More rapid than eagles, the targets they came,
We aimed and we pointed and called them by name.

"Now, Procyon, now Pollux, now Castor and Capella!
On Aldebaran, on Rigel, on Sirius, and Betelgeuse, the red fella :-)
To the top and around the winter circle of stars,
Now a quick look at Saturn, Jupiter, Venus and Mars.

As fireflies that before the dawns morning light,
Brilliantly flicker and soon are a memory bright,
A new wonder would paint the dark sky to pale blue,
The sunrise was nearing and morning twilight was too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I stepped from the telescope and was turning around,
Down the chimney the stranger came with a bound.

He looked like an astronomer, bundled from head to his foot,
Like a stargazer his clothes were tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
Looked just like our telescope accessory pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry
He looked like we do after a cold winter starshow
Freezing but happy from the Milky Way glow

The stump of a flashlight held tight in his teeth
Its soft red glow encircled his head like a wreath
We asked him if he'd ever looked closely at Mars
"I'm working at night, I have no time for the stars".

He stepped up to the eyepiece, a right jolly old elf,
And I smiled as he gasped, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but took in view after view,
Then he spoke with a sigh he had more work to do.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
Happy stargazing to all and to all a dark night.


My apologies to Major Henry Livingston Jr. 1748 - 1828, author of "Twas the
Night before Christmas" or Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas.
Previously believed to be the written by Clement Clarke Moore.

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

The Twelve Days of Research

(To be sung to the tune of "The Twelve days of Christmas")


On the first day of research,
My Prof he said to me,
Make us a cup of tea

On the second day of research,
My Prof he said to me,
Who the hell are you?
Make us a cup of tea

On the third day of research
My Prof he said to me,
Tutor three new students
who the hell are you?
Make us a cup of tea

On the fourth day of research
My Prof he said to me,
Fabricate some data
Tutor three new students
who the hell are you?
Make us a cup of tea

On the fifth day of research
My Prof he said to me,
TAKE an MSc
Fabricate some data
Tutor three new students
Who the hell are you?
Make us a cup of tea

On the sixth day of research
My Prof he said to me,
Plagiarise some papers
TAKE an MSc
Fabricate some data
Tutor three new students
Who the hell are you?
Make us a cup of tea

On the seventh day of research
My Prof he said to me
Go to Summer school
Plagiarise some papers
TAKE an MSc
Fabricate some data
Tutor three new students
Who the hell are you
Make us a cup of tea

On the eighth day of research
My Prof he said to me
Get some bloody funding
Go to summer school
Plagiarise some papers
TAKE an MSc
Fabricate some data
Tutor three new students
Who the hell are you?
Make us a cup of tea

On the ninth day of research
My Prof he said to me
No I haven't read it
Get some bloody funding
go to summer school
Plagiarise some papers
TAKE an MSc
Fabricate some data
Tutor three new students
Who the hell are you?
Make us a cup of tea

On the tenth day of research
My Prof he said to me
Where's your bloody thesis
No I haven't read it
Get some bloody funding
Go to summer school
Plagiarise some papers
TAKE an MSc
Fabricate some data
Tutor three new students
Who the hell are you?
Make us a cup of tea

On the eleventh day of research
My Prof he said to me
Pull yourself together
Where's your bloody thesis
No I haven't read it
Get some bloody funding
Go to Summer school
Plagiarise some papers
TAKE an MSc
Fabricate some data
Tutor three new students
Who the hell are you?
Make us a cup of tea

On the first day of research
My Prof he said to me:
AT LEAST YOU'VE GOT YOUR B S C.

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

THE NIGHT BEFORE DEFENCE
    (or A Visit From Citrate)

Twas the night before defence, when all through the lab
Not a gel box was shaking, with stain or with MAb;
The columns were hung in the cold room with care,
In hopes that my protein, I soon could prepare;

The post-docs were nestled all smug in their beds,
While extracts of barley muddled their heads;
With the tech in the suburbs and PI the same,
I had just settled down to another video game.

When out of the fridge there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the terminal to see what was the matter.
Away to the cold box, I flew like a flash
But the stench was o'erpowering and I threw up beef hash.

The mould on the dampest of walls were cold
Had the softness of kittens only seven weeks old;
When what to my view, a thing I despise
But a half eaten sandwich and four tiny mice;

With a little old scientist, so lively and galling,
I knew at a glance was Linus Pauling.
More vapid than undergrads, his charges they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them rude names.

"Now, Watson! Now Francis! You strange little modellers!
On Luria! On Bertani! You stupid old broth'lers!
To the top of the bench, to the top of the wall!
Purify! Purify! Purify all!"

As dry heaves before the commitee meeting, bend
A young student's body and his colon distend,
So up their earlobes, acytes they grew,
With a sack full of antibodies, their skin turning blue.

And then, for a second, I heard from the 'fuge,
An unbalanced rotor spinning something too huge.
Where I put down my hand, to better hear the sound,
Came the snapping of sparks from a wire sans ground.

Pauling's hair was al wavy, and I thought I must be sick
`Cause the curls in his hair looked just like a helix.
On an arm load of oranges, he started to snack
An I recalled his fetish with citrate, the quack.

His eyes were all wrinkled, but the cheeks were yet red;
Not too shabby for a man who was several years dead;
The leer of his smile was just a tad scary
And the snow on his rooftop made his head yet quite hairy;

The end of a pipette, he held in his teeth
And a pile of kimwipes lay around his big feet.
He held a small vial of something quite gel-ly,
A mercaptan no doubt, for it make him quite smelly.

He changed `round the columns, adding to the confusion
And I laughed to spite my own paranoid delusion.
A wink of his eye and a rotation of his head,
Told me whatever I drank would soon leave me dead.

He spoke not a word, just buggered up my work,
And dried all my resins, that silly old jerk.
And separating his middle finger from first, fourth and third,
That crazy, old bugger, just flipped me the bird.

He grabbed up his cohorts and ran down the hall,
And away they all flew, letting me take the fall.
That is why, dear Commitee, I am sorry to say,
I need a five year extension, starting today.

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

From: "Samara Morgan" <fussylady01#NoSpam.hotmail.com>
Three wise chemists walk into a Bethlehem stable. Seeing the son of god
lying in his manger, they tell Mary they have brought three gifts.  They
drop to their knees and each give the baby jesus an isomer of
[Au(NO2)(CO)2].

Gold, FAC n' CIS and MER

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS CAROLS

13. Iron The Red Atom Molecule
14. Lab Reports
15. Silver nitrate

13.  Iron the Red Atom Molecule
(to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer")

There was Cobalt and Argon and Carbon and Fluorine
    Silver and Boron and Neon and Bromine
But do you recall
    the most famous element of all?

Iron the red atom molecule
    had a very shiny orbital
And if you ever saw him
    You'd enjoy his magnetic glow
All of the other molecules
    used to laugh and call him Ferrum
They never let poor Iron
    join in any reaction games.
Then one inert Chemistry eve
    Santa came to say
Iron with your orbital so bright
    won't you catalyze the reaction tonight?
Then how the atoms reacted
    and combined in twos and threes
Iron the red atom molecule
    you'll go down in Chemistry!


14. Lab Reports
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Dashing through the lab
    with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
    and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
    making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
    a chemistry song tonight.

Oh, lab report, lab reports,
    reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
    for a chemistry test today, Hey!

Chemistry test, chemistry test
    isn't it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
    a chemistry test and pass.


15.  Silver Nitrate
(to the tune of "Silver Bells")

Silver nitrate, silver nitrate
    it's chemistry time in the lab
Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring
    soon it will be chemistry day.

Take your nitrate, in solution
    Add your copper with style
In the beaker there's a feeling of reactions
    silver forming, blue solution
Bringing ooh's ah's and wows
    now the data procesing begins.

Get the mass, change to moles
    what is the ratio with copper?
Write an equation, balance it
    we're glad it's Chemistry Day.


--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS CAROLS


10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
11. O Come All Ye Gases
12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are


10.  I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine

I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
    under the chemistree last night
They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart
    to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
    it was neat.

And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
    under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
    if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.


11.  O Come All Ye Gases

O Come all yea gases
    diatomic wonders
O come yea, o come yea
    calls Avogadro.

O come yea in moles
    6 x 10 to the 23rd
O molar mass and molecules
    O volume, pressure and temperature
O molar volume of gases at S.T.P.


12.  We Three Students Of Chemistry Are

We three students of chemistry are
    taking tests that we think are hard
Stoichiometry, volumes and densities
    worrying all the time.

O room of wonder
    room of fright
Room of thermites
    blinding light:
With your energies
    please don't burn us
Help us get our labs all right.


--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

NEW OR CHANGED IN THE SCIENCE JOKES COLLECTION THIS WEEK
Version 7.61.8  Time-stamp: "December 19, 2008"
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New entry
& Changed entry
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=1. MATHEMATICS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=1.3 MATHEMATICIANS
*8M________________________________________________________________________
From: Arthur <artyw2#NoSpam.yahoo.com> Dave Skinner
<skinn...#NoSpam.gmail.com>:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first one orders
a beer, the second orders half a beer the third asks for a quarter of a
beer.  Before the next one can speak, the bartender says "You're all
idiots", and pours two beers.

A good bartender cuts people off before they reach their limit.


--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS CAROLS

7. O Little Melting Particle
8. We Wish You A Happy Halogen
9. Chemistry Wonderland



7.  O Little Melting Particle
(to the tune of "O Little Town Of Bethlehem")

Para Dichloro Benzene
    how do you melt so well?
The plateau of your cooling curve
    is really something swell.
We think the heat of fusion
    of water is so nice
Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
    and what you get is ice.

8.  We Wish You a Happy Halogen

We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
To react with a metal.

Good acid we bring
    to you and your base.
We wish you a merry molecule
    and a happy halogen.


9.  Chemistry Wonderland

Gases explode, are you listenin'
    In your rest tube, silver glistens
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
    Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

Gone away, is the buoyancy
    Here to stay, is the density
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
    Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
    and decide if what's left is nitrate
My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?"
    and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?"

Later on, as we calculate
    the amount, of our nitrate
We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
    walking in a chemistry wonderland.


--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS CAROLS

4. Deck The Labs
5. The Twelve Days Of Chemistry (2x)
6. Test Tubes Bubbling

4. Deck the Labs

Deck the labs with rubber tubing
   Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Use your funnel and your filter
   Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our goggles and aprons
   Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Before we go to our lab stations
   Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fill the beakers with solutions
   Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Mix solutions for reactions
   Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Watch we now for observations
   Fa la la la la, la la la la.
So we can collect our data
   Fa la la la la, la la la la.

5.  The Twelve Days of Chemistry

On the first day of chemistry
    My teacher gave to me
A candle from Chem Study.

(second day)   two asbestos pads
(third day)    three little beakers
(fourth day)   four work sheets
(fifth day)    five golden moles
(sixth day)    six flaming test tubes
(seventh day)  seven unknown samples
(eighth day)   eight homework problems
(ninth day)    nine grams of salt
(tenth day)    a ten page test
(eleventh day) eleven molecules
(twelfth day)  a twelve point quiz


From: shaffer#NoSpam.morpheus.cis.yale.edu (Wendy Shaffer)

Just thought I'd post this little carol, which I wrote to celebrate
succesfully completing a recent Quantum Chemistry exam.  Enjoy...
5b. The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: An exam in Quantum
Chemistry.
On the second day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: a
double integral and an exam in Quantum Chemistry.
On the third day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: three orbitals, a
double integral, and an exam in Quantum Chemistry.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: four harmonic
oscillators, three orbitals, etc.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: Five Hermitian
Operators!  Four harmonic ocillators, three orbitals, etc.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: six spin-orbit
couplings, etc.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: seven basis
functions, etc.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: eight time dependent
perturbations, etc.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: nine Slater
determinants, etc.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: ten electrons
tunneling, etc.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: eleven photons
emitting, etc.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: 12 fermions
exchanging, etc.


6.  Test Tubes Bubbling
(to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")

Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
     Strong smells nipping at ypur nose.
Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
     Will find it hard to be inert tonight.

They know that Chlorine's on its way
     He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
And every student's slide rule is on the sly
     To see if the teacher really can multiply.

And so I offer you this simple phrase
     To chemistry students in this room
Although it's been said many times, many ways
     Merry molecules to you.




--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS CAROLS

1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming To Town
2. I'm Dreaming Of A White Precipitate
3. Silent Labs


1.  The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town

You better not weigh
You better not heat
You better not react
I'm telling you now
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He's collecting data
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
The heat of melting ice
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He sees you when you're decanting
He knows when you titrate
He knows when you are safe or not
So wear goggles for goodness sake.

Oh, you better not filter
And drink your filtrate
You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.


2.  I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate

I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
    just like the ones I used to make
Where the colors are vivid
    and the chemist is livid
       to see impurities in the snow.

I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
    with every chemistry test I write
May your equations be balanced and right
    and may all your reactions be bright.


3.  Silent Labs

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
    Oh, how long will chemistry last?

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorine's on his way
    Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'.

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

Santa at College

Consider the following:

You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".
Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do
all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the
work.
Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
Santa travels a lot.

Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

Yet another "night before Christmas", this one for chemists:

From: monroem#NoSpam.UWYO.EDU (Matt Monroe)

         CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas,
The lab was quite still;
Not a Bunsen was burning
    (Nor had they the will).
The test tubes were placed
    In their racks with great care,
In hopes Father Chemistry
    Soon would be there.

The students were sleeping
    So sound in their dorms,
All dreaming of fluids
    And Crystalline forms.
Lab-Aids in their aprons
    And I in my smock.

When outside the lab
    There arose such a roar
I leaped from my stool
    And fell flat on the floor.
Out ot the fire escape
    All of us flew.
What was the commotion?
    Not one of knew.

The flood-lights shone out
    O're the campus so bright
It looked like old Stockholm
    On Nobel Prize Night.
My fume-blinded eyes
    Then viewed (dare I say?)
Eight anions pulling
    A water-trough sleigh.

And holding the bonds
    Tied to each one of them
Was a figure I knew
    As our own Papa Chem.
With speeds in excess
    Of most X-rays they came.
As they Dopplered along
    He called each one by name.

"Now Nitrite, now Phosphate,
  Now Borate, now Chloride
On Citrate, on Bromate,
    On Sulfite and Oxide.

Forget what you know
    Of that randomness stuff,
Let's go straight to that roof,
    If you've quanta enough."

As fluids Bernoullian
    Behave in a pinch,
Those ions said "Alchemist
    This is a cinch."
So up to the lab-roof
    Those "chargers" they sped
With Pop Chemistry safe
    In his water-trough sled.

Just a microsec later
    Electroscopes showed
Charged particles coming
    To our lab abode
We raced back inside,
    And what d'ya think?
Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell,
    Right into the sink.

He was dressed in a lab-coat,
    Quite ragged and old,
With removable buttons
   (The style, we're told)
A tray-full of beakers
    He clutched to his heart--
And under his arm
    Was an orbital chart.

His eyes through his goggles
    I just couldn't see
His hands were all yellow
    From H-N-O-3.
His head was quite bald
    With a fringe all around
Like a ring test for iron,
    That same shade of brown.

He puffed a cigar
    With a smell not at all
Unlike the organic lab
    Right down the hall.
The smoke billowed forth
    From his angular face
And with Brownian Movement
    Enveloped the place.

He was thin as a match
    And not terribly tall
He wasn't the type
    I'd expected at all
But a look at his clothes,
    In the lab's harsh white light,
With their acid-burn holes--
    He's a chemist all right!

He didn't say much
    (He had no time to kill)
And filled all the test tubes
    With nary a spill.
Then placing them bak
    On the benches with care
He dashed to the fume-hood
    And rose through the air.

He called to his team
    And his ions took off
And kinetics took care
    Of Pop Chem and his trough,
But I heard him cry out
    As he flew down the street
   "Merry Holidays to all!
    May your stockrooms stay neat!"

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

Q: How does Santa deliver presents all over the world on Christmas Eve?
A: With Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)

From: "Thomas Cotton" <gossypion#NoSpam.onetel.net>

         A Cautionary tale

From the 'Atom Train' brochure, England, ca.1948:

This is the tale of Frederick Worms,
Whose parents weren't on speaking terms.
So, when Fred wrote to Santa Claus
He wrote in duplicate, because
One went to Dad and one to Mum,
Both asking for plutonium,
Which met in Frederick's stocking and
Laid waste ten square miles of land.

Learn from this tale of nuclear fission:
Never mix science and superstition.

--
Joachim Verhagen (joachim.verhagen@...)
WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/ (with science humor)