©¿©-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------©¿©


A young Sri Lankan woman has asked a court to annul her
marriage after she discovered that her groom was a woman
pretending to be a man.


The unnamed woman, in her early 20s, began an affair with
a co-worker who appeared to be a man and, after a brief
courtship, they decided to marry in a secret ceremony without
telling her strict parents.


The couple lived separately for three months but then moved
in together. On the same day, the bride's parents came to the
couple's new home to forcibly take back their daughter.


The 27-year-old groom later went to the parents' house to
retrieve the wife.


At that point, the parents became suspicious about the groom's
mannerisms and discovered that he was actually female.


The young bride has asked a Colombo court to void the marriage
on the grounds that she was deceived about her groom's identify.


She alleged that she did not know that her "husband" was a
woman until told by her parents, and that the deception has
negatively affected her job performance and education.

written by a 3rd generation Indian settled in US, what more do I say....




>"THE UNBELIEVABLE STORY FROM INDIA"
>
>Ladies and gentlemen, this can't be true. We must be the
>victims of the world's biggest hoax. No, I'm not talking
>about President Bush's military service. This is far more
>earthshaking than that. This concerns the world's largest
>democracy, India, which just held a general election. A
>general election, as my Pakistani and Nigerian readers will
>tell you, is an election in which the general gets elected.
>But India did not have a general running for office, so what
>did the 380 million voters do? They kicked out the incumbent
>prime minister and replaced him, in effect, with an
>Italian-born woman named Sonia Gandhi, making her the first
>white woman to rule India since Her Majesty Queen Victoria.
>At least that's what we've been told.
>
>You can believe it if you wish, but as for me, I'm not that
>gullible. I don't read horoscopes and I don't open emails
>that say, "Keep her begging for more." And I'm certainly not
>going to believe that Indians have elected an Italian-born
>woman as prime minister, especially since Italians have
>never done so themselves. (Perhaps the Italians are waiting
>to elect an Indian-born woman as their prime minister? Yes,
>soon after they put mutton curry on their pasta.)
>
>At first, I wanted to believe. I was thrilled about the
>thought of Sonia Gandhi, leader of the Congress Party and
>widow of former prime minister Rajiv Gandhi, serving as
>prime minister. I hadn't been this excited about race
>relations since Oprah gave a big hug to Michael Jackson.
>
>I even tried to share the good news with my American
>friends:
>
>Me: "Guess what, Mike? India just gave the prime minister's
>seat to a white woman?"
>
>Mike: "How come? Is the prime minister getting a new seat?"
>
>Me: "No, you don't understand. A white woman is assuming the
>prime minister's position."
>
>Mike: "Which position? Stooping? Kneeling? Sleeping?"
>
>Me: "The position of prime minister, silly. A white woman is
>becoming the new prime minister of India."
>
>Mike: "Yeah, right. Next you're going to tell me that
>President Bush is really a Martian."
>
>Me: "Well, guess which planet he wants to spend billions
>on."
>
>Needless to say, I began to have doubts myself. After all,
>discrimination is prevalent in India and skin color seems to
>be a national obsession, so how could this nation of
>predominantly brown people entrust their future in white
>hands? Were they truly unconcerned about her race or did
>they simply get fooled by her tan? "Is she white? Is she
>brown? Who gives a darn, she wears a sari and says,
>'Namaste.'"
>
>I also thought about the status of women in Indian society,
>how some enjoy immense freedom while others are constrained
>by the men around them. American women enjoy many rights,
>yet in almost 230 years, none has gotten even a sniff of the
>presidency (except perhaps after his morning jog). So how
>could it be possible that Indians have elected another woman
>as prime minister, their second in 20 years?
>
>The more I thought about it, the more unbelievable it
>seemed, this story of Sonia Gandhi. A white woman leading
>India? It would be an amazing story, if only it were true.

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of
copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that
the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They
ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they
found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits
35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Indian scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters
underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They concluded that the ancient Hindus 55,000 years ago had cellular
telephones.

See... Indian....

Hi Guys

This was written by a guy in US. Enjoy....

Puneet



>"KEEPING ABREAST OF THE SUPER BOWL"
>
>In case you missed the Super Bowl, the greatest sporting
>event in America, let me summarize what happened: The New
>England Patriots were leading the Carolina Panthers 14-10 at
>halftime, then Janet Jackson exposed her right breast. After
>that, everything's a blur to me. Did they play the rest of
>the football game? I'm not sure. Like millions of men, I was
>in a daze, wondering if I had actually seen what I thought I
>had seen and would I be charged for it.
>
>Then I became angry, asking myself how a woman could expose
>herself like that, in the middle of a football game, without
>a single television producer having the good sense to show
>us an instant replay. I wanted all five angles: front,
>reverse, side, overhead, and behind the goalposts. We have
>the technology -- let's use it!
>
>It didn't help that I was watching the Super Bowl at a
>friend's house and couldn't take a cold shower, not until
>my friend got out of the bathroom.
>
>Friend: "So what did you think of the first half?"
>
>Me: "The first half was great. Just outstanding. Do you
>think she'll show us the second half?"
>
>Friend: "I doubt it. You may not believe it, but she's got
>standards, you know. So you loved her performance?"
>
>Me: "Well, don't get me wrong, it wasn't perfect. But I'd
>say it was half-decent."
>
>As expected, Jackson's two-second flash sparked mixed
>reactions around America. Michael Powell, chairman of the
>Federal Communications Commission, called it a "classless,
>crass and deplorable stunt," to which Jackson blushed and
>said, "That's the biggest compliment I've ever received."
>
>Many parents were angry that their children were exposed to
>R-rated entertainment. Apparently they missed the lyrics of
>the song, as well as the TV promos in which Jackson let
>everything but her implants hang out.
>
>Some children were no doubt puzzled by what they saw.
>
>Eight-year-old girl: "Daddy, what did that singer just show
>us?"
>
>Father: "Uh ... well, she showed us her loose morals,
>sweetheart."
>
>Girl: "Daddy, when I grow up, will I have a pair of morals,
>too?"
>
>Other children were excited about their discoveries.
>
>Twelve-year-old boy: "Mommy, mommy! I just figured out
>something while watching the Super Bowl!"
>
>Mother: "What did you figure out? How Daddy manages to drink
>so much beer?"
>
>Boy: "No, Mom, why they call it a boob tube."
>
>Mother (concerned): "Are you talking about Janet Jackson?"
>
>Boy: "Yes, Mom, she's such a boob. Doesn't she realize she's
>a singer, not a stripper?"
>
>As any parent will tell you, television has changed
>dramatically in the last decade, exposing viewers to not
>just violence and crude language, but enough sexual
>situations to make Bill Clinton blush.
>
>Most shows are just not suitable for young children -- and
>you can add the Super Bowl to that list, especially if one
>of the Jacksons is trying desperately to revive his or her
>career.
>
>Luckily, my daughter didn't pay any attention to Janet
>Jackson's performance -- but my wife apparently saw
>everything.
>
>Wife: "Oh my God. Looks like something's hanging out."
>
>Me: "Sorry, sweetie, sometimes my tongue does that. I'll put
>it back in now."

Hi Dudes

The marriage season is on.....  So can our own Arunjeet Singh ji be left
behind.

Well, a marriage proposal came, but it wasn't exactly what Arun wanted. So
here is the pic of the girl whose proposal came and then is pic of how
Arunjeet would like his life partner to look like...

Enjoy...

Puneet Nayyar

It was written before indianapolis...

Subject: The Secret Diary Of Michael Schumacher: Part 27


www.planetf1.com


Hello my adoring tifosis.
Well, I don't have to tell you that I feel better than I have ever done
since at least Magny Cours in 2002 when I am being thoroughly emotional at
my World Champion five times achieving feat. Some say that Monza is the
cathedral of motor racing and quite honestly I would agree.

Some of the banners round the circuit said that Schumacher Is God. But I
think that is not quite appropriate. All they need to do is add the letter
'M' just in front of the Schumacher to make sure they are not referring to
Ralf.

As you know, I have been a little bit in the doldrummers with my twice
being lapped at Hungary and Germany and so to come first for a change was
very exciting.

Perhaps on reflecting over my press conference comments it is not the BEST
moment of my career, but I am truly meaning it when I am giving credit to
all the guys who have worked so hard for a very long time at the Maranello
factory including the factory guys and even down to the cleaner. I am in
love with them, but only in a  professional sort way. It does not mean I
wish to get in a hot tub with all of them and suck their toes.

That is still reserved for just Lieblings Doughnut and the one who we can
simply call Todty.

It was an almost perfect day, my 69th win. It would have been nicer to
share the podium with Ralf, but I suppose Rubens had to be there to ensure
Ferrari constructor points.

After the race Eddie Irvine rang me up and said I was the first person to
do a 69 in an F1 car and laughed a lot. I have no idea what he was talking
about.

Our next race is Indianapolis and I don't suppose anyone will let me forget
my red-faced moment last year when I was not thinking properly at the
finish line. I thought we had finished the race, took my foot off the pedal
and found that Rubens had won. This year I don't think I can throw my
points around with such carelessness.

When I am in America I would really like to make an appearance on the David
Letterman show, but he is always liking Juan-Pablo Montoya who he is
nicknaming Zorro. This is stupid because I have never seen Juan Pablo with
a sword, neither is he wearing a mask or a hat.

I will take this opportunity to have some time out with the children in the
USA. We always love going to Disneyland and going visiting on all the rides
like a normal family. Dougnut pudge wudge said that we should maybe start
up a theme park in Kerpen and call it Schumiland. She said we could have
little cars that go round a track very slowly so they don't frighten the
children. It's a good idea. I will ask Eddie Jordan if he wants to sell his
EJ13s after the season is over.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\
--------

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued ... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
 

Ho Ho Ho

Hi and a merry christmas to all.

Guess who the Santa in the pic is?

Regards
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------
Puneet Nayyar
Team Leader
Zed-Axis Technologies Pvt Ltd.
S-4, Unicom House, A-3, Commercial Complex,
Janakpuri, New Delhi - 110 058, India
Phone:  +91 (11) 25598333/444 (Board)
Fax:     +91 (11) 25548777
www.zed-axis.com, www.epromos.info
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Surprise! You've just received a Yahoo! Greeting
from "Puneet" (puneet@...)!

To view this greeting card, click on the following
Web address at anytime within the next 30 days.

http://view.greetings.yahoo.com/greet/view?W2PGR5P3SMBH8

If that doesn't work, go to http://view.greetings.yahoo.com/pickup and
copy and paste this code:

W2PGR5P3SMBH8

Enjoy!

The Yahoo! Greetings Team


-------------------------
Yahoo! Greetings is a free service. If you'd like to send someone a
Yahoo! Greeting, you can do so at http://greetings.yahoo.com/

New! SBC Yahoo! Dial... 1st Month Free & unlimited access.
http://pa.yahoo.com/*http://rd.yahoo.com/sbcyahoo/consumer/greettag/evt=639/*htt\
p://sbc.yahoo.com

Surprise! You've just received a Yahoo! Greeting
from "Puneet" (puneet@...)!

To view this greeting card, click on the following
Web address at anytime within the next 30 days.

http://in.view.greetings.yahoo.com/greet/view?EGGK78DI2BVXU

If that doesn't work, go to http://in.view.greetings.yahoo.com/pickup and
copy and paste this code:

EGGK78DI2BVXU

Enjoy!

The Yahoo! Greetings Team

-------------------------
Yahoo! Greetings is a free service. If you'd like to send someone a
Yahoo! Greeting, you can do so at http://in.greetings.yahoo.com/

Hi Guys,
            It is one of the funniest things that I have ever read...if this
is remotely true...

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, when you just need
to
take it out on someone... don't take that bad day out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know! Read this guy's experience:

Now get this: I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had
to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, and could I please speak to Robin
Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down! I couldn't believe anyone could be
that
rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had
transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the
wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When
the same person answered again, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word 'asshole' and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real
disappointment for me - I would probably have to stop calling the asshole.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number. When I heard, "Hello?" I
made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He answered "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how, if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it!
Just dial 823-4863!!

---------->> Keep reading - it gets better...

An old lady at the shopping centre really took her time pulling out of a
parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car
began to move, and she started to v-e-r-y slowly back out of the slot. I
backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to manoeuvre.

"Great," I thought, "she's finally leaving." All of a sudden, a black
Mercedes came flying up the parking aisle, going the wrong direction, and
pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do
that. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Mercedes, completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the shopping centre as if he hadn't heard me. I thought to myself,
"This guy's an asshole. There's sure a lot of assholes in this world." Then
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote
down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the
phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (it's really
easy since I have his number on speed dial now). I noticed the phone number
of the guy with the black Mercedes laying on my desk and figured I'd better
call this guy, too.

After a couple of rings, someone answered the phone and said, "Hello?" I
said, "Is this the guy with the black Mercedes for sale?" "Yes, it is."
"Can
you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street.
It's
a yellow house, and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?"
"My name's Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home
in
the evenings." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're
an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must
say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I
had a
problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them,
it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some
serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone speed dial asshole number 1. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello?" I yelled, "You're an asshole!" but I didn't hang up. The
asshole said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling
me." I said, "Make me." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" So I told him,
"Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" I answered, "1802 West 34th
Street. It's a yellow house and my black Mercedes is parked out front."
"I'm
coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah,
like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up. Then I called asshole
number 2. He answered, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole." He said, "If I
ever find out who you are ..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your ass." "Well,
here's your chance ... I'm coming over right now, asshole!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802
West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got
home. Then I made another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going
on down on West 34th Street.

After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch
the whole thing.

Glorious satisfaction -- watching the two assholes kicking the crap out of
each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew
was one of the greatest experiences of my life...

The Art of Taking A Pee

(Written to a woman who accidentally walked into a men's restroom...)

Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the
time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I
go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around;
just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and
his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down
his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers
can't
be trusted.

After living for 23 years with my mom has me trained. I'm no longer allowed
to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has
convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone
to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet
seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat
down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you
and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might
as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need
to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee,
and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how
hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you
can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all
over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist
on
putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use
one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control
ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy
thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the
seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy
starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying
down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.

On the other hand my mom said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest
of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I
could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall
across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it
forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out
from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the
bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of
our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on
the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective manoeuvre to deal with this morning urinary
dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet
seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during
the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We
are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but
there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hi Guys
	 This is being written through a black eye. The company I work with is
getting some television coverage. One of the reporters, had this patch
invitingly pinned over her left breast which said - "Press" and I did.
BlackEyedly,
   Puneet
    puneet@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two nuns.  One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and
the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).  It is getting dark and they
are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes?  I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical.  He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no!  At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.  What
can we possibly do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working.  The man did the only logical thing.  He
started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.  You go that way and I'll go
this way. He cannot follow us both.

The man decided to follow Sister Logical.  Sister Mathematical arrives at
the convent and is worried
what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical!  Thank God you are here!  Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL:The only logical thing happened.  I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast
as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened.  He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.  I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister!  What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.  He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no!  What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical,Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than a
man with his pants down........

(And those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Mary's.....)
-----------------------------------------------------

What's the most active muscle in a woman ?
The penis.
-----------------------------------------------------

A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted caddie. He takes a swing
and hits the ball. But while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the
balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad, says, "Goddamn wind!!" The
caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?!" The
priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for
forgiveness from God.

A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind starts
to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods. The priest sighs and
again, says : "Goddamn wind!!" The caddie, just as surprised as the first
time, says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!" The priest then
looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to
forgive him.

Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of
thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death. The priest, not
believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord,
what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned!
My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!"

Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest hid his head under his
arms,scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, "Goddamn wind!!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------

Correlation.....

[a] The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

[b] On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

[c] Conclusion: Eat what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
---------------------------------------------------------

"The search for someone to blame is always successful."
-Robert Half
--------------------------------------------------------

An 85 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well doc, its like
this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with
her mouth , first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing.
We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her
knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, " Yep, and no matter what we tried, we couldn't get
the jar open."
--------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to
have to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
---------------------------------------------------

Everything comes with operating instructions....look at the new instruction
manual that arrives when you purchase a bag of pretzels!

Congratulations on purchasing a bag of "Mr Salty" Pretzels.Correctly used,
these salty snacks should provide minutes of healthy enjoyment. However, in
order to derive optimum pleasure, and minimal injury, we do recommend that
the following procedure is studied and followed.

YOU WILL NEED
-------------
1 x comfortable chair
1 x bag of pretzels (contents approximately 24 pretzels)
1 x television receiving equipment, tuned to the sporting event of your choice
Up to 3 dogs - cats or other pets are NOT RECOMMENDED and could be DANGEROUS

STEP 1. OPENING THE BAG
-----------------------
This is a relatively simple procedure, but care needs to be taken
nonetheless, so follow the steps carefully.
1. Take hold of the TOP of the bag at EITHER SIDE between FOREFINGER AND
THUMB, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the surprisingly sharp
plastic edges.
2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm motion.
3. If you SHOULD LOSE YOUR GRIP on the bag, take extreme care not to smack
yourself in the face with your flailing hand as this can result in OBVIOUS
BRUISING. Instead, you are advised to throw yourself into the safe haven of
the COMFORTABLE CHAIR until the hand-danger is passed. On NO ACCOUNT throw
yourself into the safe haven of THE FLOOR, THE TELEVISION, THE DOGS, THE
WINDOW, THE OVEN, THE LIGHTFITTINGS or THE ROTATING BLADES OF A NEARBY
HELICOPTER as severe injury and embarrassment may result.

If you have an open bag of pretzels before you, you may now proceed to step
2. Otherwise, simply repeat step 1 until full openness is achieved.

STEP 2. REMOVING PRETZEL FROM BAG
---------------------------------
1. Set the bag upon your lap, making sure it is reasonably stable.
2. GENTLY insert one hand into the bag. IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO WITHDRAW
EYES FROM TELEVISION IN ORDER TO ACCOMPLISH THIS SAFELY. You may prefer to
wait until a commercial break or other interval in the action. You should
also ensure that you are not over-excited by the sporting events in
progress before attempting this manoeuvre.
3. CLOSE YOUR FINGER AND THUMB over a single pretzel. DO NOT attempt to
select MULTIPLE PRETZELS. Not only is this an extremely advanced manoeuvre
and highly risky in itself, but it
will unnecessarily complicate step 3 and will almost certainly lead to
brain injury, death and further embarrassment. If you FAIL to secure a
pretzel, open the finger and thumb, then close again in a
different position - although STILL WITHIN THE BAG - until a pretzel is
secured.
4. WITHDRAW HAND FROM BAG taking care not to break pretzel, drop pretzel,
lacerate hand on edges of bag, grind pretzel into own eye, smack head on
door jamb, press thigh against red-hot coals, or drive meat skewers through
fleshy parts of upper arm.

With the pretzel now secured in the hand, the operation is nearly complete.
However, you cannot afford to let your guard down.

STEP 3. TRANSPORTING PRETZEL TO MOUTH
-------------------------------------
1. Delicate hand-eye co-ordination is required. KEEPING YOUR EYES FIXED ON
THE PRETZEL, first WITHDRAW your hand.
Should the pretzel DROP at this point, you will have to repeat step 2.
2. RAISE PRETZEL TOWARDS face - avoiding eyes, ears, nostrils, hotline to
Moscow and Nuclear Button in the process.
3. OPEN MOUTH - this step is vital and EASILY FORGOTTEN IN THE HEAT OF THE
MOMENT
4. PLACE PRETZEL JUST INSIDE MOUTH. Do not attempt to force pretzel in.
Pretzel should fit easily inside, and need not be entirely encased in mouth
orifice. If pretzel does not fit easily, check that mouth is open and that
pretzel is in mouth, rather than ear. A small mirror may be helpful.
5. RELEASE PRETZEL AND WITHDRAW FINGERS FROM MOUTH.
Failure to perform this easily-overlooked step can lead to crippling
injuries. If you are in any doubt, consult mirror once more. Pretzel will
probably be just visible inside mouth and FINGERS SHOULD BE WELL CLEAR
before step 4 commences.

You are nearly ready to enjoy your pretzel - however the last step is by
far the most dangerous, and EXTREME CARE should be taken.
Inexperienced eaters of pretzels may care to practice without pretzels in
order to have confidence in steps 1 to 3 before proceeding to the pretzel
"fire fight" which is step 4.

STEP 4. EATING THE PRETZEL
--------------------------
1. Begin to move jaws up and down in a rhythmic fashion. AT LEAST 20
ITERATIONS ARE RECOMMENDED. "MR SALTY" CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR
INJURY, WOUNDING, DEATH, INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS OR WARFARE RESULTING FROM
FAILURE TO FOLLOW THIS DIRECTIVE.
2. As pretzel structure begins to break down, guide resulting substance to
rear of mouth. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE - BUT DO NOT LINGER AT THIS POINT
EITHER. All your concentration must now be brought to bear on guiding the
pretzel safely down the esophagus, without inhaling and without passing out
due to lack of oxygen.
3. As pretzel remnants reach back of throat, swallow quickly THEN
RE-COMMENCE BREATHING.

Congratulations - you may now repeat from step 1, until bag is empty or
belly is full.

TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
---------------------
1. PRETZELS TASTE "PLASTICKY" - You are eating the bag.
2. PRETZELS TASTE "FURRY" AND DOGS ARE YELPING - You are eating the dogs.
3. PRETZELS TASTE REVOLTING - This is normal
4. FINGERS CANNOT GRASP PRETZEL - Bag is closed or is empty.
5. PRETZELS ARE ALL OVER FLOOR. Bag is upside down, or has been opened with
undue force. Deploy dogs and request fresh bag.
6. PRETZELS CANNOT BE SEEN - Light is off or eyes are closed.
7. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND EYES ARE FULL OF GRIT - You have placed
pretzel in eye instead of mouth
8. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND I AM DEAF - You have placed pretzel in ear
instead of mouth
9. I AM LYING ON THE FLOOR AND DOGS ARE STARING AT ME - You have attempted
to breathe while chewing and/or have failed to chew pretzel thoroughly.
10. SIRENS ARE GOING OFF, MR RUMSFELD IS SHOUTING AND MR CHENEY IS CLUTCHING
AT HIS CHEST - You have confused bag of pretzels with nuclear alert. Go
back to watching television.

NB: If you are not the President of the United States of America, the most
powerful individual in the Western World and controller of the World's
largest nuclear arsenal and/or you have two brain cells to rub together,
you can safely ignore these instructions.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ah, Valentine's Day. Here you come again.

Its good that I don't have a girlfriend right now urging me to be romantic.
Telling me that if I buy her a dozen roses, a
box of chocolates, a Hallmark card and dinner at a fancy restaurant, she
may keep me around for another year.

You say that good romance, lavished on the right woman, can be just as
effective as bribery.

Perhaps you're right, but I have a few questions. Does it have to be a
dozen roses? Can I get away with one rose?

She might just enjoy both flowers and vegetables, can I give her a dozen
heads of cauliflower? Or would that be
considered TOO romantic? I don't want to overdo it, you know. I might have
to beat her off me.

Roses are rather expensive at this time of year. A dozen could set me back
as much as 250 bucks. For that kind of
money, I could romance 25 women in Bangladesh. I've tried buying roses a
few weeks early, but they don't freeze well.

And about the fancy restaurant I'm supposed to take my girlfriend to? What
if it's fully booked, forcing me to make
reservations at another high-class restaurant, namely McDonalds? Would that
be OK?

Me: "Sweetie, order anything you want on the menu. Anything. I just
withdrew 100 bucks at the ATM. Get a giant order of
fries or a large Coke. It's a special day."

She: "This place is not romantic enough. Can't we go somewhere else?"

Me: "We can, sweetie, but I don't know if we'll get a good table at
Nirula's. How romantic do you want it to be? I've
already asked the manager to dim the lights. And the cook is not just
grilling heart-shaped burgers, he has promised to
hum a romantic song. Only the best for you."

My final questions: What if I do nothing on Valentine's Day?
How much trouble would I be in? And is there some kind of government agency
that would rescue me?

Me: "Sweetie, I thought about getting you roses, but didn't get around to
it. It's the thought that counts, right?"

She: "Yes, sweetie, it's the thought that counts. By the way, how do you
like the atmosphere in your office? Is
it romantic?"

Me: "Yes, it's very romantic. Why?"

She: "Well, I just THOUGHT you might like to spend the day there!"

Me: "You mean we don't have a date today?"

She: "It's Valentine's Day. I want to be touched by Cupid, not stupid!"

Hi Guys
	 Yesterday I met one of my married friends. He looked a bit down and after
some prodding told me about a bad scene he had with his wife. I won't go in
the details of his 'bad scene' with his wife but I'll tell you something,
it wasn't good.
That brings me on to the topic of marriage. As my habit is, I wrote down
something on the idea of marriage. Hope you would like it.

bachelor-ly,
Puneet
   puneet@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARRIAGE

Whenever I contemplate the idea of marriage, the fear of having conflicts
such as that of my friend with my wife ( which is inevitable when you bring
2 different personalities, from diverse backgrounds and different set of
genes, together, and expect them to be as one for life)  always freaks me
out. During first years of marriage, passion binds, and then blinds. But
then familiarity, which in the beginning breeds attempt, soon breeds
contempt, or at least breeds a taking-for-granted that leads to
indifference. As marriage wears on, the mates get a cleaner vision of their
dissimilarity, and the domestic guerrilla warfare becomes necessary to win
survival of identity.

Furthermore, if one looks into the general subject of marriage, as I have,
one sees that it is an unnatural man-made social institution. In the
beginning, there was no such formalized union as marriage. Group of males
lived freely with a group of females and bought up children in common.
Eventually, civilization, like that of ancient Greeks, got rid of polygamy
and polyandry and substituted monogamy. The formalizing of marriage through
the marriage certificate grew out of period when men acquired women through
purchase or barter. I read somewhere that African Nandi tribesman used to
trade four or five cows for a teenage wife. Well, the transcription
required a receipt, and this was bases of modern marriage certificate.

Actually, the Hebrews of first century, and then the Christians, demanded
marriage contracts which created order by spelling out each partner's
rights. But contracts have no clauses that cover a husband's or a wife's
feelings after ten or twenty years. True, today, we have an escape clause
(divorce), but that's bureaucratic and usually a heavy scene.

We can already see new life-styles supplanting marriage. Simple, easy,
freer, legally uncertified unions harking back to the mating and living
together that existed in primitive times. I think we will yet come the full
circle.

On the other hand, to be fair, there is also something to be said for the
married state. I have seen some older couples married 40 years or more and
they seem content. They seem to have discovered a secret, that -- it is
worth trading in half of one's independence and all hope of variety for the
promise that they will never grow old alone. As a wise old man once said
"The most horrible curse of old age is loneliness".

Coming back,  think modern marriage exists on a foundation of hypocrisy. As
an institution it is archaic. Some lady wrote somewhere that a marriage
contract might work if no one expected to be changed by it. As is, marriage
means 'A capitulation to sameness, an end of self development, an unnatural
death of spirit'. A friend of my father used to say "Marriage is the tomb
of love". Better, as Disraeli once put it, "Every woman should marry -- and
no man".

Of course, Disraeli was a sexist.
---------------------------------------------------------

Lord Chesterfield once commented on things that men went through to get a
woman into bed.

"For What? The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the
expense damnable."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hi Guys
	 Last week was rather depressing for me. My exams didn't go well and
somebuddy i know died. So let me put up his obituary and continue with the
jokes.

life-goes-on-ly,
   Puneet
    puneet@...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five,
it's fantastic."
Woody Allen

"If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Anderson's
fingertips."
Woody Allen

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L
convertible."
PJ O'Rourke

"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey,
I'm home."
Ken Hammond.

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for
money costs less."
Brendan Francis

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar Wallace

"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got
hit by a bus."
Bob Rubin

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that
money can buy."
Steve Martin

My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I
visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen

"Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power
failure."
Bob Hope

"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well
as women."
Bernard Manning.

Me and the girl, i was crazy about, had matching taste, We both are crazy
for gurls.
Anonymous

"A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man."
Mignon McLaughlin
-----------------------------------------------------------

A Sardarni in New York went to a worldwide message center to send a message
to her mother in India. When a phirangi guy told her it would cost $100 she
exclaimed: "I don't have that kind of money! But I would do anything to get
a  message to my mother in Punjab-India!"
The man arched an eyebrow and asked: "Anything?"
"Yes, anything!" promises the sardarni.
With that, the man said: "Follow me." He walked into the next room and
ordered: "Come in and close the door."
She did. He then said: "Get on your knees." She did. Then he said: "Unzip
me." She did. He said: "Go ahead...take it out."
She took it out and grabbed hold  of it with both hands. The man closed his
eyes and whispered: "Well...go  ahead damn it !"
The Sardarni slowly brought her lips closer, and said
loudly,"Hello...Mummy.....

--------------------------------------------------------------

"OBITUARY FOR A BELOVED PET"


Buddy, beloved chocolate Labrador of former President Bill Clinton, died
tragically at about 12:15 p.m. on Jan. 2. Only 4 1/2 (almost 32 in human
years), he was in the prime of his life, with many bones left to bury, many
carpets left to stain.

Buddy was unquestionably the most popular dog in America. He received
thousands of letters during Clinton's presidency, many from Republican
admirers who addressed their mail
simply to "The dog in the White House."

The former First Dog was struck by a car after chasing a contractor's van
off the Clinton property in Chappaqua, New York. Secret Service agents had
rushed after Buddy, but failed to stop him, leading security experts to
question whether the government spends enough money to protect VIPs
(very important pets).

Buddy was adopted by the Clintons as a 3-month-old puppy in December 1997
and quickly asserted himself as the nation's top dog. He accompanied Bill
Clinton on many of his travels, met foreign leaders who visited the White
House, and spent more time under the president's desk than any intern.

When tension mounted between Clinton and Al Gore, political observers
wondered if Buddy had become "the real vice president." Said political
analyst George Stephanopoulos:"Buddy once chased a pesticide company's van,
barking louder than ever. That made us realize that Buddy, like Al Gore,
cared deeply about the environment."

Despite his friendly nature, Buddy did not get along with the Clintons'
other pet, Socks the cat, who often hissed at the dog. "Buddy liked socks,"
Clinton said. "Just not that kind of socks."

Buddy is survived by his mother, Bubby, an unknown deadbeat dad, four
brothers, five sisters, 24 half-brothers, 32 half-sisters, four pillows and
a tattered sock.

On the night of his death, Buddy was honored at sporting events throughout
the country. Fans and players rose to their feet and observed a moment of
barking.

Buddy was laid to rest with full honors, his funeral attended by
dignitaries from around the world, both human and canine. Socks the cat did
not attend and did not send a representative. Socks released a statement
through his spokesman, saying, "The death of Buddy proves what I have
been saying for a long time: Dogs are dumb! You'll never see a cat chasing
a van. We don't have nine lives -- we have brains!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Surprise! You've just received a Yahoo! Greeting
from "Puneet" (puneet@...)!

To view this greeting card, click on the following
Web address at anytime within the next 60 days.

http://view.greetings.yahoo.com/greet/view?B4H3JVEIHX347

If that doesn't work, go to http://view.greetings.yahoo.com/pickup and
copy and paste this code:

B4H3JVEIHX347

Enjoy!

The Yahoo! Greetings Team


-------------------------
Yahoo! Greetings is a free service. If you'd like to send someone a
Yahoo! Greeting, you can do so at http://greetings.yahoo.com/

Find the one for you at Yahoo! Personals
http://rd.yahoo.com/mktg/greetings/txt/confirmation/tagline/?http://personals.ya\
hoo.com

Puneet (puneet@...) has sent you a virtual greeting card.
Click here to view your greeting card at any time during the next 90 days.
Or you can pick up your greeting card at http://ecards.rediff.com/
by pasting this code in the pickup box:
YadmX8smY8Im18cmX8YnJLtoYKtmILZmUqhE0b

"Get minimum 6%* guaranteed returns"

Rediff E-cards

-----------------------------------------------
Rediff E-cards is a free service. If you'd like to send someone a
Rediff E-card, you can do so at http://ecards.rediff.com/

Hi Guys,
	 Their seems to be a lot of confusion regarding what exactly the sexual
bases are. So I will explain what they were when I was a teenager in the
ninety's.

First base: Kissing (with tongue).

Second base: Rubbing or fondling a girl's breasts. (Some hardcore fanatics
used to insist that getting to second base required going under the shirt
and unhooking the bra. Less staunch definitions allowed feeling the boobies
over the shirt).

Third base: Fondling the vulva. (Unrestricted access required in all
schools of thought. Any material posing as a barrier, whether denim, cotton
or silk, disqualified you from being able to say 'I got to third base!'. If
you reached third you had probably put a lot of time into the relationship,
and thus tricked the girl into thinking you were a nice guy. A smelly
finger was required as proof).

Homerun: Actual vaginal penetration. Minimum of one pump required (by both
schools) before prematurely ejaculating and saying, "Wow, I never got off
that fast before. You're special."

Footnotes:
Dry humping never earned its own base because it was practiced by many
couples who never even reached second base.

A hand job was like being caught in a rundown between third and home plate.
After a hand job many boys were unable to masturbate for days due to the
torture inflicted on their poor little willies by girls who thought they
needed to over speed a F1 car.

Oral sex was considered a Grand slam. Unfortunately, it only came at the
stage of the relationship where, A: the girl started talking about
marriage. Or B: your relationship was in the pits and she just started
dating someone secretly and was using you for; A: Practice. Or B: To show
you what you would soon be missing. The only time oral sex was not
considered a Grand slam was when you got it from a girl at a party who had
blown five other guys beside yourself.

Definitively,
   Puneet
    puneet@...
----------------------------------------------------

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and he asked
her, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"Why, it is made of concrete, of course," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed
one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like
the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, frustrated and at the end of his rope, the judge asked, "Lady, why
do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
It's my husband that does. He says he can't communicate with me."
---------------------------------------------------------

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot
in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.
She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness.
The gentleman said only one thing: "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave
you last year."
--------------------------------------------------------

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation
to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are on top of four
shoulders, what would you like to hear your friends and
family saying about you?"
Samrat says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great graphic artist
and a great family man."

Anand says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an
excellent person who made a difference in people's lives."

Arunjeet says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

---------------------------------------------------

The Top Sidhu'isms

In the midst of a verbal duel with Martin Crowe:
Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!

Commenting on Ganguly after he was out for a low score in the 2nd Test
against Zimbabwe:
...Looks like a brooding hen over a china egg

In the midst of a verbal duel with Tony Greig:
If ifs and buts were pots and pans, there would be no tinkers!

When Ganguly took a catch that had gone very high in the air:
That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it !!

'Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.

In India's last match against New Zealand:
New Zealanders are like bicycles in a cycle stand - one falls down and the
complete row will be down!

Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter.

Taking the cake with a red cherry on top.

For Sri Lankan batsman Kaluwitharna, when he was wasting many balls:
He is like Indian three-wheeler which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot
go beyond 30!

To Martin Crowe:
The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend, that
the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which does not have wings!

As cool as a cucumber!

Muralitharan bowling to the last Indian pair:
The wily fox is back. Its an ill omen when a fox licks its lambs.

Applauding Reetinder Singh Sodhi's fighting spirit:
Young Ricky will fight a rattlesnake and give him the first two bites!

The gap between bat and pad is so much that I would have driven a car
through it... !!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hi Guys,
	 Yesterday my cousin came from Bomb... oofff... Mumbai. She is one person
whom i love to argue with. (Hope you are reading this Reena ;-P )
While we were on the roads of Delhi, we got down at comparing Mumbai and
Delhi. After arguing for some time, we reached 10 points of mutual
agreement about the differences in two cities.

1. Delhi women go to office by cars and charted buses. Mumbai women go to
office by local trains and autos.
2. Delhi men reach home before 8 p.m. Mumbai men reach home after 8 p.m.
3. What is vegetable if not aloo, ghobi, chhola and rajma in Delhi eatries?
What is vegetable if not colored gravy in Mumbai eatries?
4. Shopkeepers and passerby stare at women in Delhi. Mumbai women do not
get stares.
5. Delhi executives perspires in AC cars. Mumbai  executives do not
perspire even in local trains.
6. Delhi has wide roads and bad drivers. Mumbai has narrow roads and bad
drivers.
7. You will be spotted as an outsider if you do not speak proper Hindi in
Delhi. You will be spotted as an outsider if you speak proper Hindi in Mumbai.
8. Delhi women wear graceful cottons while going to office. Mumbai women
work in office.
9. Delhi working couples must own 2 cars and have AC in their hired flat.
Mumbai couples must own their flat.
10. Delhi neighbors do not frequently talk but invite each other to
functions and parties. Mumbai neighbors talk with each other.

If you can think of more differences, just write back to me. Then I would
have another point to argue with her.

pukka Dilli-wala,
   Puneet
    puneet@...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Biharis came to Delhi.  When they got to CP they saw a sign that read
"CLEAN TOILETS AHEAD," so when they got to the Sulabh Shauchalyas, they
went in, and started cleaning the toilets!

As they traveled further , they found it difficult to make any progress
because there were so many "CLEAN TOILETS AHEAD" signs along the way.

When they finally arrived in Palika Bazar, they came across a sign that
read "WANTED!!! Two Sardars for rape!"

The two Biharis looked at each other and thought, "Damn! those Sardars get
all the good jobs!"

------------------------------------------------------------

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,
before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my
God! What have I just said?!"
       ---US golf commentator

------------------------------------------------------------

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his
mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and
quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a
green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The
dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he
walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The
butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the
butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back
down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the
door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks
around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at
the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy, "What the hell are you doing? This
dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass! It's the second time this week he's
forgotten his key."

------------------------------------------------------------

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says, "Mommy, mommy! Grandpa
hanged himself in the living room!"

His mother runs into the living room, and sees no one there. Angrily, she
says, "Listen. You should never lie like that to me again, do you understand!?"

"I'm sorry," says the boy. "I was just kidding. He hanged himself in the
basement."

------------------------------------------------------------

New Home Cloning Kit Instructions:

Go fuck yourself.
------------------------------------------------------------

Roses are red
It's all elementary
Let's ring up a friend
And try double entry
    ---Related by Puneet (which proves all men are pigs.)

------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage Wisdom:
"The fucking you get isn't worth the fucking you get."

------------------------------------------------------------

What did one homosexual's sperm say to the other?
"How the hell are we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"

------------------------------------------------------------

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Scottish bloke - 6ft 5 and
350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well- dressed and obviously
gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to
say something to the Liverpudlian.
Leaning over towards the Scotsman he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the big guy leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in
the face, knocking him off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way
out of the bar and leaves him bruised and battered in the car park before
returning to his seat.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you
react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure," the Scouser replies, "something about a job."

-------------------------------------------------------

A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he
might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened
to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana
and a cookie with you." said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next
day with a banana and a cookie.

The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is
going to hurt a bit."

Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and
bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it
up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced
around the room shouting at the doctor.

"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the
treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor.

Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the
order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed IT
up the patient's ass.

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another
banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears
of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.

The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana,
waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and
the next day and the next...!!
Every day UP went a banana, waited one minute, then UP went the cookie.

After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow
is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a
hammer was going to feel like.

"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.

On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man
dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked
at his watch and picked up the hammer.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.

Finally, a little head poked out of the patient's ass.

"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"

**WHAM**

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Surprise! You've just received a Yahoo! Greeting
from "Puneet" (puneet@...)!

To view this greeting card, click on the following
Web address at anytime within the next 60 days.

http://in.greetings.yahoo.com/greet/view?7M2YXA5RT5V8U

If that doesn't work, go to http://in.greetings.yahoo.com/pickup and
copy and paste this code:

7M2YXA5RT5V8U

Enjoy!

The Yahoo! Greetings Team


-------------------------
Yahoo! Greetings is a free service. If you'd like to send someone a
Yahoo! Greeting, you can do so at http://in.greetings.yahoo.com/

Hi Guys
	 If you go by recent reports, then you might think that the new movie
"Monsoon Wedding" is going to be a really good movie. It based on a wedding
in Punjabi family.
So for those uninformed mortals, who know nothing bout Punjabi weddings, I
thought that i must write something to inform them how does a "Arranged
Marriage" go bout at our place.
Hope you all enjoy it.

telling-it-all-ly
   Puneet
    puneet@...
------------------------------------------------------------


"What are you doing today, oh mother of my children?" queries papa ji.
"Well," replies mum ji, "I think I'll get some chores out of the way, like
marrying off your son!" "What a great idea." agrees dad. "You do that while
I wash the cars!"
And so the wheels of the 'marriage machine' are set in motion. Once moving
anyone wishing to stop them is simply steam rolled over! Before long an
unsuspecting couple find that it has carried them all the way to the
temple. Accompanied by a million voices commanding their every move, they
sit cross legged in total bewilderment wondering which order to obey first.

Evolution of the arranged marriage actually starts as soon as the college
has been passed, the job secured and the Maruti car acquired. For then,
life for the single Punjabi suddenly shifts into the "eligible" gear. Not
only do mum and dad treat you like a prize possession but family relations
(most of whom you never knew you had), suddenly become very aware of your
existence, height, weight, qualifications and shoe size!

Your eligible presence is announced to anyone and everyone who may be
remotely connected to a potential partner! Usually this takes the form of
word-of- mouth or for the more discerning families, the Matrimonial section
of JeevanSaathi.com! Whichever method is used it does not really matter for
the Punjabi grapevine is far more effective than any 'information super
highway'! Once the word is out on the street, the marriage gangsters have
got ya!

The belief that "marriages are made in heaven" holds little value for
Punjabi's on the 'arranged marriage train'. Instead, what quickly becomes
apparent is that "marriages are made by Aunty Golabo" - who has a very high
success rate! A lady who is believed to harbor an advanced scientific
method to ensure that 100% chemistry is achieved between her
"arrangements". That is, one must be a male and the other not!

Hyperactive ladies such as Aunty Golabo, have successfully converted a
fun-time hobby into full-time employment. One that is best described as a
"marriage broker". The broker's portfolio contains "you" as the investment
being hedged against unattached stock floating on the market!

Although she acts as the go-between, you can be assured that she'll
go-between, under, over and sideways to make sure that the couple reach
that temple on time! Only then can another notch be etched on the "number
of marriages that I fixed" scale.

So what do parent's look for in their outlawed son (ie in-law to be)?
Financial security (supported by the last three pay slips), of good repute
(ie no punch-ups with rival gangs), an education (minimum two professional
courses) and owning a strong body with no hereditary diseases. Similarly,
the son's parents also have their requirements specification! Of a
sheltered and easily-satisfied home (with no exposure to MTV) followed by
competence in housework, a degree in kitchen management studies and a
willingness to conform to their pattern of living!

Further to these demands, the arrangees themselves add their own ideals.
The lady looks for intellect to feed weekend dinner parties, a broad
outlook to ensure a balanced approach, appreciation and practice of sexual
equality, kindness, generosity, trust-worthiness, ...and on, and on, and
on! Fortunately, the guy's requirements can, for all intensive purposes, be
reduced to one; she must be a babe!

With so many variables, constraints and participants involved, it's a real
wonder that such projects ever see the light of day, let alone result in an
ever-lasting marriage! Nevertheless, they do and there is a sporting chance
that the two families will live happily ever after (sometimes this even
includes the couple themselves)!

Indeed there is a high probability of AM (Arranged Marriage) occurring in
the morning to start a PM (Perfect Marriage) in the afternoon. Well, there
is if Aunty Golabo got her sums right!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Friends,

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up
behind her. "Would you like to go out?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until yesterday that Dad
finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the
family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

Smilingly,
   Puneet
    puneet@...

---------------------------------------------------------------

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until
recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of
different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research
they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over.........................  Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

-----------------------------------------------------------

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy."
       ---Steve Martin

------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Puneet,

I'm e-mailing to tell you my problem. It seems, I have been married to a
sex maniac for the past 2 years. He wants sex regardless of what I am
doing; Ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even when I'm writing email.
He'll just sneak up behind me and poke away. I would like to know if there
is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd fun othel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O}
.lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld;;'cinsely ous mdyl
isnt';dk~0.';.';/.;'?a223

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\
----------------------------------------

"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..."
- A law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.

------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What comes after 69?

A: Mouthwash.

------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it
was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on
a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally
the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
sexual relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word
or two?

------------------------------------------------------------

A gay guy walks into the grocery store and heads back towards the meat
department. After a few moments of looking at the merchandise, the butcher
asks him if he would like to place an order.

The gay guy says yes and promptly orders a 5 pound salami.

The butcher asks him if he would like that sliced, to which the gay guy
replies, "Does my asshole look like a piggy bank to you?"

++++++++++++++++

It's Tuesday evening and I am having my afternoon siesta when Samrat (my
friend) awakens me with a stunning report: Two planes have crashed into the
World Trade Center in New York and another into the Pentagon in Washington D.C.
In that instant, three theories zip through my head:

(1) I'm still asleep -- and having a terrible nightmare.

(2) Samrat has been watching too many Bruce Willis movies.

(3) There's been a major attack -- on his dad's alcohol cabinet. (This is
the least plausible theory.)

Unable to believe that such horrendous acts of terrorism have taken place
in America, I turn on the television in my bedroom, hoping to confirm one
of my theories. Instead, I see clouds of smoke above the World Trade Center
and realize, sadly, that New York City's air pollution isn't quite that bad.

The News anchor, looks rather depressed -- and not because he didn't have
time for makeup. He knows that what he's witnessing, what we're all
witnessing, is a tragedy of immense proportions, one that we'll someday
describe to our disbelieving grandchildren.

This is no Hollywood movie, which is unfortunate, because it means that the
terrorists responsible for these unspeakable crimes won't be nailed within
two hours.

I watch the incredible collapse of the World Trade Center, one tower after
the other, a prominent symbol of America's economic power vanishing in mere
minutes. After a collapse as tragic as this, I wonder if people in the
financial world will ever again mourn the collapse of the New York Stock
Exchange. Stocks just aren't worth much compared to people's lives.

A part of me doesn't want the TV networks to keep showing the buildings
falling, for I know that it's not just concrete and steel crumbling, it's
people perishing. I also know that the sight of the collapse probably
excites, perhaps even electrifies, the terrorists who planned this. I want
to see them electrified, but in a different way.

I find myself asking questions that others are probably asking, too: Why
would anyone want to kill so many innocent people? Did these terrible acts
really achieve anything? Where's Bruce Willis when we really need him?

I know that in some parts of the world America is considered an evil
country and scores of people are celebrating the terrorist attacks. For
example, in the West Bank town of Nablus, about 3,000 Palestinians danced
in the streets and handed out candy, as though Yasser Arafat had just given
birth.

But we should be careful not to direct our anger at Arabs, Muslims or other
groups of people for the actions of a minority. That would be like banning
all music just because we can't stand Eminem.

I've seen the pictures so many times, but I still can't believe what
happened: A group of terrorists has so effectively, so devastatingly
attacked the United States of America, the most powerful country in the
world, a country that spends more money on defense than Boris Yeltsin spends
on vodka. If you're not safe in the Pentagon, where are you safe? In Bill
Gates' house?

Truth is, as long as people are willing to commit suicide for their cause,
no country is safe. When suicidal hijackers turn planes into flying bombs,
even the most powerful country in the world is vulnerable.

All we can do is retaliate, retaliate, retaliate. Do unto others as they've
done unto us. Somehow that doesn't seem that satisfying, especially if
innocent people are killed again, no matter where on the planet they live.
The price of revenge is often way too steep.

This is no Hollywood movie and, unfortunately, there won't be a happy ending.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hi Guys,
	 The other day, as I drove on the road, a bumper sticker on a car caught my
eye. It read, "Honk if you want me." I was about to honk, because if
there's such a thing as love at first sight, this was it. I wanted that
good-looking car.

But then I realized that the sticker was for the driver, not the car. And I
couldn't help feeling a little angry. Why didn't I think of bumper stickers
earlier? Perhaps I could have found a girl sooner, instead of waiting until
I was old enough to enjoy Formula-1 racing.

All these years in college and I couldn't think of such a simple way to
find a mate. It's no wonder people say that the Indian education system is
flawed. Even in my advertising course, the professor never said a word
about bumper stickers, at least not on the days I was awake.

For so many years, I wasted valuable space on my bumper. I could have
placed several stickers, side by side, with messages such as:

---If you're cute, I'm available.

---If I'm cute, you're drunk. Please pull over.

---Honk if you want me and you're a female.

---Honk if you have a job and you want trainees.

---Single man on board, needs someone to nag him.

While it's not too late for me to take advantage of bumper stickers, I'm
also encouraging all other single people to consider bumper stickers and
other kinds of ads.
Remember: Advertising isn't just for washing powder companies and college
politicians.

advisingly,
   Puneet
    puneet@...
------------------------------------------------------------

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service at a fine Japanese hotel.

Room Service (RS): Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest (G): Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

RS: Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
G: Uh, yes... I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RS: Ow July den?
G: What?

RS: Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.

RS: Ow July dee bayhcem--crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.

RS: Hokay. An san tos?
G: What?

RS: San tos. July San tos?
G: I don't think so

RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
     "judo one toes means."

RS: Toes! toes! Why djew don juan toes? Ow bow singlish
      mopping we bother?
G: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying "Toast."
     Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: We bother?
G: No, just put the bother on the side.

RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter--just put it on the side.

RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?

RS: Copy, tea, mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.

RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
      baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,
      and copy--rye?
G: Whatever you say.

RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G: You're welcome.

------------------------------------------------------------

"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified a man
charged with indecent exposure.

"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.

"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me
what I wanted most in a woman -- so I showed her."

------------------------------------------------------------

A Navy Admiral (which Navy will go unspecified) was being court-martialed
for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the
hallways of the hotel in which they were
both staying.

Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of
"being out of uniform."

The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the
regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately
attired for the activity in which he is engaged."

The Admiral was acquitted.

------------------------------------------------------------

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER.  She said that she
and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't
able to retrieve it with her fingers. "Then I went to the bathroom and
'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up either."

------------------------------------------------------------

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

------------------------------------------------------------

A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to
the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in
his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, lets make sure he's dead..."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hi Guys
	 i just stumbled upon some Men Etiquette on a site. So read it and behave
properly from now on.

Puneet
    puneet@...
--------------------------------------------------------------

		 Men Etiquette

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed or beaten
by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
     a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
     b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
     c. After wrecking your boss' car
     d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
     e. When his date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is
5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.
For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she
scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden.
Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
fact, even remembering your buddies birthday is optional.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on
a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's
free.

------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call two full beers occupying both hands of a person?

Irish handcuffs.

------------------------------------------------------------

	 More Men Etiquette


If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until
they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much
beer as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but
not both. That's just plain mean.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able
to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have had
carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++