From:  "celticmoondance <celticmoondance@y...>"
<celticmoondance@y...>
wrote:

I take it that Anasya is an alleged French woman
called "Ma Tatina"
who has miraculously recovered from a brain tumour ? I
wonder if she
went on a pilgrimage to Lourdes ??!!



********************************




Tumor Raga Number Two / after the operation


I look out of the window and see snow snow snow snow
snow. And nothing but.
I am still tired, exhausted and forgetfull and I lose
the notes I write to remind me of things and have to
remember to forget that I cannot remember things. At
the same time so much better than before the
operation. I was in such misery, with a „famous“
doctor stupid-cow who came up every week with a new
phantastic theory about the origins of my epileptic
seizures and paralysations, but forgot to send me to a
CT. Then there was a day in summer when I had a
nightmare. I saw my own brain and on the left side
there was a white maggot, sitting and eating. My
doctor still denied but finally sent me to a CT. The
tumor found had a size of a tangerine, but was benign.
The operation was done the day after I went to the
emergency room and everything went fine. I wanted to
kiss kiss kiss my doctor all day long. Now I have two
drilling holes in my skull and a 20 cm scar with which
I can scare kids and grownups alike...I have beautiful
hats, and my hair is coming back.

There is an entirely new sense of vastness and space
now, a sense of freedom and mad and wildly crazy
dreams at night, in fluorecent techno colours,
travelling through universes, non-pharmaceutical
rushes and flashes, magical and transcendent...
Intensity. Most of the time happy. In the first few
days after the surgery I could shift easily between
the worlds, between the afterworld and this world,
moving through the floating space. This is gone but
there is still a strong sense of being only a tourist
here, on a second class package tour. The body is a
rental car.. I watch it and I wonder.... All there out
there was was my own immortal soul filling the
universe with its breath... No Osho, no God, no
Meaning, no Karma. Just Space. Unlimited. It is a
sense that everything is phenomena.

Today one new tumor in the jaw bone was confirmed and
nobody knows what it is doing there. And one other
new discovery which amazes me and makes my friends
laugh their head off. It is an EMPTY SPACE at the base
of my brain. A mysterious vacuum, an airhead, a
medical sensation.
Practically spoken this means more MRIs, more talks,
more check-ups. There is fear of being on more time on
the altars of the gods and godesses dressed in white
with their silver ritual daggers, tubes and colourfull
pills. And the prospect of one more fucking drill hole
holds only a limited appeal.

No fear to die, no fear to live. Only the fucking
painful space in between is troublesome. I am in
vastness and I know the day of my death in the same
way I know the day of my birth. Watching near the
river is ecstatic. I hear my cats speaking. Strange
sensation of light and colour.Understanding that only
an epileptic can understand Rilke.Or Mozart. Can move
into the tiny spaces between the breath of poetry and
music and feel it filling with eternity. I hope hope
hope this will never go away. The world shines in
brilliant colours. This is another beautiful thing of
neurological discorders. You get away with everthing.
Neurologist dont think in terms of crazy or not. The
brain is a mystery to them, in the same way as it is a
mystery to me. I meet a woman who had the same thing.
She says, sometimes she looks at an apple and it is an
apple. And sometimes she looks at an apple and it is
looking into the microcosmos, a science-fiction dance
of a billion of neurons and atoms. Anyway, the
neurologists know that the brain can do literally
anything, they are the least therapeutical-thinking
doctors. A neurologist will always find a neuropathway
or a transmitter or a synapsis which is to blame. A
license to kill. A license to be anything you want, or
nothing..

Then of course some people expect you to be always
happy and not to be suffering. And some people expect
you to be suffering all the time and never be happy.

So the question is: Do I want to fight my disease? Or?
Do I want to adore the amazing creative and excentric
power that forms new structures and mutations inside
of my brain, let them be my guru and love them
madly...
LOVE
Tatina







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