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(A True Story) During a sacrament meeting, a little boy made a
big disturbance. After several minutes of trying to quiet this
noisy three-year-old, the mother desperately handed him to the
father, who was seated on the aisle close to the front of the
chapel. By this time the noise distracted the speaker and
audience, and everyone was very conscious of the parents'
plight. The father's patience was much shorter than the
mother's. In a few moments he put the little boy over his
shoulder, stood up, and started for the back door.
Looking back over his father's shoulder and sensing his
determined steps, the little boy became quiet and apprehensive.
Just as the father approached the rear door of the chapel, the
little fellow reached his arms out toward the stand and shouted,
"Bishop, help!"
Contributed by Elder Dallin H. Oaks
of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
during General Conference on 4/5/97
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fun fact: The following celebrities have appeared on a major
talk show wearing a CTR ring, Steve Martin in 1996, Harrison
Ford in 1993, Jack Klugman in 1988, and Woody Allen in 1982.
Contributed by Catherine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sacrament meeting was about to begin and a mother couldn't
find her son. She searched everywhere and finally located him
sitting outside on the curb with his head in his hands. She
said, "Son, we have to go in now. Sacrament is about to start."
He responds, "I can't go in there, Mom. Nobody likes me. No
one will talk to me." She says "But son, you have to go back
in....You're the Bishop."
This was the opening remark by Sister Roche,
the Washington D.C. temple matron, at the
last Wilmington, N.C. Stake conference.
Contributed by Robert
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An LDS child needed to bring an old shirt from home for a
school project about drug prevention. The mother was busy and
handed her child an old T-shirt without examining it. Later,
she was appalled to see her child wearing the T-shirt through
the mall. On the front it said, "A Family is Forever." On the
back: "Be Smart, Don't Start."
Contributed by Jenny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a Primary lesson on the bishopric, the teacher asked
the children what a bishop does. Without hesitation, a bright
six-year-old answered, "moves diagonally."
Contributed by Beth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One busy Saturday as I was leaving for work and my husband
was leaving for the temple, our 11-year-old asked who was going
to fix breakfast. We told him that his 15-year-old brother
would. He replied, "Would this be a good time to use my 72-hour
kit?"
Contributed by Betty Jo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missionary Advice:
"When a big mean, dog attacks you, Elder, just remember, you
don't have to run faster than the dog, ... you just have to
outrun your companion."
Contributed by Erica Lynn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you're not LDS, you belong to a non-prophet organization.
Contributed by Brad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our stake mission leader related this:
When the MTC was built in Provo, beautiful green athletic
fields were planted so the missionaries would have a place to exercise.
However, they were so inviting that BYU students were attracted there,
and you would see BYU students out playing
touch football, throwing Frisbees, etc., on the missionaries'
field. To deal with this problem, a large banner was posted,
which read "Missionaries Only."
The next day, BYU students were out on the field, playing
touch football and throwing Frisbees. They had posted a new
banner which read, "Every member a missionary."
Contributed by Susan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Mormon Bishop, a Catholic Priest, and a Baptist Preacher
wentfishing in a boat together. After a while, the Mormon
Bishop ran out of bait. So he got up, stepped out of the boat,
walked across the water to the shore, and returned the same way
with more bait. Soon after, the Catholic Priest also ran out of
bait and did the same. Finally the Baptist Preacher ran out of
bait and stepped out of the boat and sank down into the water
until it reached his neck.
The Catholic Priest laughed and said to the Mormon Bishop,
"Should we tell him about the rocks beneath the water?"
The Mormon Bishop, obviously confused, said, "What rocks?"
Contributed by Lynda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did Brigham Young say to the woman who complained that
her husband had told her to go to Hell? "Well, first off, don't
you do it!"
Contributed by Sally
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(A true story) It was a hot afternoon when the air conditioning
went out in the Tabernacle during General Conference. President
Hinckley stood up to address the sweating congregation and said,
"It's warm. We're sorry. But it's not as warm as it's going to
get if you don't repent!"
Contributed by President Gordon B. Hinckley
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago we had an aquarium ... slowly, one by one,
all of the fish died, but for some reason we kept the aquarium
up and running for months afterward (I guess we were trying to
decide whether or not to buy more fish).
Anyway, the elders came over for dinner many times during
those months and always looked in the aquarium for the fish. We
told them that there was something special in that aquarium and
that only the most righteous missionaries could actually see
the fish. It was amazing how many of those elders saw fish in
an empty aquarium!!! :)
Contributed by Lynne
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? It depends!

If it is the Relief Society it take four.
One to fix refreshments.
One to bring the tablecloth.
One to design the Center Piece,
And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Bishopric, forget it,
they don't do light bulbs.
They call a Priesthood Executive Council
And delegate it to the Elders.

If it is the Elders it takes four.
Three that don't show up, and
One to change the bulb.

If it is the High Priests it take four.
Two to push the wheel chairs.
One to handle the oxygen tank,
And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two,
But you have to wait until the end of the month.

If it is the Aaronic Priesthood, it only takes one.
He holds the light bulb in the socket
And the whole world revolves around him.
Contributed by Stan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe: My home teacher is so good he comes on the first day
of every month!
Henry: Oh Yeah? My home teacher is so good he comes the day
before that!
Contributed by Jenny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bride on her wedding day:
"Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!"
Mother: "Yes, but at which end?"
Contributed by Elder Bruce C. Hafen
of the Quorum of the Seventy during
General Conference on 10/5/96.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JARGON by Cliff Martin
My son's a CTR ... I go to PEC.
I work for CES....I study the TG.
I read the B of M .... I probe the D&C.
I search the KJV ... I ponder the JST.
Today in BYC ... we planned for EFY.
I stayed a little after ... and had a PPI.
The YM and YW ... are putting on a play.
It's one that I remember ...we did in MIA.
Before our oldest son ... went in the MTC,
He helped the BSA .... complete their SME.
Soon our oldest daughter ... is heading for the Y.
Soon our oldest clothing ... is going to DI.
Now, if you've understood ... this alphabetic mess,
The chances are quite good ... that you are LDS.


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