THE HOBBIT

Gandalf knocks at Bilbo's door.
"Yes?", said Bilbo. "Greetings, Bilbo Baggins. I am an enchanter.
There are some who call me... Mithrandir?"
"What is it you want?"
"I seek the finest and the bravest burglar to join me in the quest
for the lonely mountain! Bilbo, we must away. Together with Thorin
and his dwarves we must head for the Lonely Mountain to defeat Smaug
the dragon."

And Bilbo replied: "What's the point of going abroad if you're just
another burglar on an impossible quest with greedy grumpy dwarves all
with almost identical names like sneezy and weezy and beezy, and
getting captured and almost eaten by discussing trolls but rescued by
a wizard, roaming around forests and finding vintage swords and
visiting elves who don't have any alcohol and climbing mountains and
getting captured by typically local orks, who don't speak english,
but serve watney's red barrel, and where the food is terrible, and
then you get lost instead of rescued and have to play riddlegames
with a disgusting creature, and when you escape all that you still
have to run away for orks and no places to buy postcards...

Here, Gandalf tried to interrupt him: "BE QUIET!!" But Bilbo
continued:

..And after that you get to a host who can change into a bear and
serves watney's red barrel when you leave it's all woods for miles to
come, very boring, and you can't leave the path and if you do you
there's awful spiders and...

Gandalf slammed his wand on the table and shouts: "SHUT UP!!!"

And then there's this elven king who is not at all as hospitable as
he should be and the only way out is in barrels so everything get's
soaked and all the dwarves start complaining about you and there's no
place to buy any decent food and this dragon still is miles away and
waiting for you and...

Thorin: PLEASE!! SHUT UP!! I can't bear it!!

QUESTIONS IN THE DARK

Gollum said, "The hobbit must have a competition with us, my
precious... if it asks us a riddle, and we don't know the answer, we
show it the way out, won't we, my precious."
Bilbo replied: "OK. But I'll start. What is the capital of Assyria?"
Gollum had not counted on that. "We doesn't know that! We wants three
guessess! Aaaargh"



THE WRITING IS ON THE RING

Gandalf picked up the ring, and gave it back to Frodo.
"Can you see any marks on it now?" he asked. Frodo: "I cannot read
the fiery letters. Gandalf, you're our scholar."
Gandalf: "But I can. The letters are Arameic, and the language is
Arameic as well. I will not utter it here, but in common English it
says:
'One ring to rule them all
One ring to find them
One ring to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them
In the land of Aaaargh...'"
Frodo repeated, increduously, '"Aaargh"?'
"Well that's what is says..."
Sam interrupted: "He must have died while forging it."
Frodo said "Shut up. Where is Aaargh, Gandalf?"



DISCUSSIONS AT ISENGARD

Gandalf arrives at Isengard. He meets up with Saruman outside the
tower of Isengard.

Saruman interrupts Gandalf before he really had a chance to say
something: "Do you want to come upstairs?" Gandalf replied, 'I beg
your pardon?'
"Do you want to come upstairs? Oh or have you come to discuss the
fate of Middle-Earth and the One ring? (sigh)"
'Yes, what is all this about upstairs...?'
"Oh, nothing.I am indeed honoured, Mithrandir, that you have placed
your trust in me. After years of absence for secret research, you are
here to speak with me about your latest discovery about Sauron's evil
works. Well Gandalf, old friend, let's hear it."
'It's...'
"Oh I'm sorry. You don't mind if I call you Gandalf, instead of
Mithrandir?"
'No...'
"It saves a syllable..."
'Alright.'
"But I don't want to be disrespectful..."
'No problem...'
"Thank you. Sorry to have brought it up..."
'Just get on with it, we haven't got all day...'
"Right. Thank you. Sorry for the interruption. So, master
Stormcrow..."
'What? Don't call me Stormcrow!'
"Did I call you master Stormcrow? I don't think I did."
'You did. Now get on with it!'
"Can I call you babydoll?"
'No!'
"Pumpkin?"
'Certainly not!'
"Elven drawers?"
'Right, that's it. I'm off.'
"Master Mithrandir, will you tell me about Sauron's plans?"
'Really? No more of this pumpkinny nonsense?'
"None whatsoever. You have my complete attention."
'Well, I'm afraid Frodo Baggins from the Shire is burdened with the
One Ring.'
"Shut up already."
That's all the information I need."
'Saruman, the one ring has been found.'
"No it isn't."
'Yes it is.'
"No it isn't. 'Look, stop contradicting me!'
"I don't!"
'You did just then!'
"I never!"
'Oh this is futile. I came here for wise council.'
"No you didn't."
'Well council isn't just contradiction.'
"Yes it is."
'No it isn't. Council is using one's wisdom to try and solve problems
in the world surrounding us, it's not just saying 'no it isn't.'
"Yes it is."
'No it isn't.



THE COUNCIL OF ELROND - STORYTIME

In Rivendell, Elrond welcomes everyone to the council, and begins to
narrate the long history of the ring. He has brought a large,
battered old book.
"Hello everyone. Hello. Today I will tell you the history of the
ring. We'll start at the very beginning. Are you ready? Yes? Good,
then we'll begin."
He opens the book. "Luthien was the most beautiful Elvish Maiden..."
He turns the book 90 degrees and is quiet for a few seconds. Then he
turns the book back to the normal position. "Owww... Ehm oh eh yes,
Luthien was dancing in the forest, when Beren came by. Excited by her
slender figure he approached her. Roughly he grabbed her by her
shoulders, and pushed her down onto the grass. Quickly he tore away
her dress and started to..."
Elrond realises this was not the story he was looking for. He looks
at book in terror, and turns some pages, until he finds a better
place to start: He chuckles.
"Celebrimbor was a handy craftsman, who could forge all manner of
things. He specialized in body ornaments. In his little shop he sold
piercings, and custom made d...??!!"
Here he raises his voice increduously, and breaks off the story once
more. He quickly turns to another chapter in his book. He is getting
nervous.
"Heheh. Cirdan was a jolly sort of fellow who loved the life by the
sea. He liked to hang out at the dock where the orcs dressed as
ladies??! ... " as he reads on, he mutters a few words " ...
Corruption? Naked wraiths? ... With a palantir???!!!"


THE COUNCIL OF ELROND

Elrond has but one advice to give to the council: "The ring must be
destroyed!"
But Boromir was not so sure about this: "Why? Why don't we use it
against our enemy? Let us turn his own weapon against him!"
Aragorn stood up, and says: "Tell him, gandalf."
"The ring is very evil. No-one can wield its power."
"Can't we use it just a few times if we are really careful?"
"No we can't.", said Elrond.
"Now look this isn't a council!", objected Boromir.
"Yes it is"
"No it isn't, you're just giving orders."
"No I don't. Now shut up and do as I say."
"See?"
Elrond said in a patient voice: "Look, the council must make
decisions. We can't delay this mission by endless debate."
But Boromir still was not convinced. "Yes, but that's not just
issuing orders from your chair. A council implies some effort to
decide together what's best and all work for it. It's not just
commanding the people."
"And the elves.", interrupted Gimli.
"Why are you always on about elves?", said Legolas.
"'Cause I want to be one."
Several voices shouted in amazement: "What? Why?"
"I like the way they dress."
"You can't wear elven clothing!", replied Legolas.
"Don't suppress me!"
"I'm not suppressing you, it's the wrong size! You're too short!
You'd trip and fall over every step you take!"
But here Gandalf offered a solution: "Ah, I know. Let's say that he
can't wear elvish dresses, because they don't come in his size, which
is sauron's fault, obviously, but he can have the right to wear them."
Elrond took over again. "What's the point? Now get on with it! The
ring will have to be destroyed."
"Yes but..."
At this point, Elrond rang a small bell that was on the
table. "That's it. Council's closed. On your way."
"What?"
"It's madness to delay. Away you go!"
"Aren't you even coming with us?"
"Solidarity, human brother!"



DEAD WIZARD

In Moria, Gandalf faces the Balrog: "None shall pass"
The balrog roars impressively.
"NONE SHALL PASS!"
The balrog roars even more impressively.
"At least, not before you have answered me these questions three, ere
the other side you see. If you fail to answer you will be cast in the
gorge of Khazad-Dum."
The balrog is slightly taken aback: "What?"
Gandalf asks quickly: "What is your name? What is the maximum
velocity of a giant eagle? What is the capital of Arnor?"
The balrog did not count on this: "My name? I don't have a name...
aaaargh What's yours?"
But Gandalf did not expect this last question either. "Mithran... no
ganda... aaargh... Run away!", he shouts, as he falls down the abyss.

Frodo cries, "I can't believe he is really dead. He cannot be gone."
Boromir assures him "No, he's dead allright."
Frodo can't stop thinking about him. "Remarkable wizard, that
Gandalf... beautiful fireworks."
"The fireworks don't enter into it! He's stone dead!"
"He's resting."
"Look Frodo, that wizard is definitely deceased."
But Frodo said, "He is probably pining for the Grey Havens."
Boromir answered, "Pining for the Grey Havens? What kind of talk is
that and why did he fall down that gorge?"
"He prefers dramatic escapes! It's for his idiom."
"He fell from that tall bridge into the abyss!"
Frodo has an answer: "Of course. He'll beat up that Balrog, get on a
broomstick, and VOOOM."
Boromir simply can't believe it: "Mate that wizard wouldn't VOOM if
you put four million volts through him! He's bleedin' demised!"
"Noo, he's pining..."
Boromir raises his voice: "HE'S NOT PINING, he has passed on! He's
expired, gone to meet Illuvatar. This is an ex-Istari. If he hadn't
fallen beyond recall he'd be pushing up the elenor by now!"


MOUNT DOOM

Frodo and Sam enter Mount Doom. The heat is intense.

"Blimey, it's hot in here.", said Frodo.
'Hot enough to boil a goblin's bum in here, mister Frodo.'
"That is a strange expression Sam."
'Well mister Frodo, I heard Celeborn use it. "It's hot enough in here
to boil a goblin's bum in here, Galadriel, he said, and she smiled
quietly to herself."'
"She's a good piece of elf chick and not at all stuck up."
'Blast, here comes that gollum fellow now.'


THE FOUR SHIREMEN

Years afterwards, the four hobbits are sitting in the Green Dragon.
They think of the times they had, and a certain nostalgia enters into
the conversation:

Frodo, with many memories on his face, said "Who'd have thought ten
years ago we'd all be sitting here, smoking longleaf?"
The other three agreed. "You know, we were lucky in those days.
Though we were on a kamikaze quest.", said Sam. Merry
stated, "Becáuse we were on a kamikaze quest. Rings don't buy you
hapiness. Used to live in this tiny old house, with great big holes
in the roof."
Frodo said, "House? What hobbit lives in a house? I had to live in a
hole under the ground, with my uncle Bilbo."
Sam said, "Aye, he was right. I was happier then and I had nothing. I
used to live in a hole in the ground with me Gaffer. A nasty, dirty,
wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell."
Pippin said, "Well it's better then a dry, bare sandy hole, with no
furniture, isn't it?"
Merry corrected, "Our house was just a hole in the ground too, you
now. But we had to leave! Once we set off we had to sleep in the open
air, in the middle of the winter, chased by hobbicidal black riders."
Frodo had more to say on this matter: "Well, as the ringbearer I of
course had it tough: I was beaten up by a gang of wraiths, stabbed
with a poisonous dagger, all my limbs fell off, and I started
hallucinating."
Pippin complained, "And after that we were ushered out of Rivendell,
and got covered under twelve meters of snow and ice, and falling
rocks, and then we went into the mines of Moria, half the floor was
missing, and we got flogged by a balrog with a fiery whip. I had no
skin left on my back when we got away."
Sam was not convinced this was anything worse then what he and Frodo
had been through: "You were lucky! We had to go and live in a haunted
swamp! We woke up every morning surrounded by ghosts!! Nothing to eat
but rotting dead frogs. Terrible stench! And Gollum and Sauron
staring at us like mad all the time."
But Merry said: "We used to dream of living in a swamp! It would have
been a palace to us. We were kidnapped by the Uruk Hai! We had to run
all day without interruption, eat really old bread and drink their
disgusting booze. And at night they'd get bored and would amuse
themselves with us for hours."
Frodo was calm, and said: "Uruk hai? Was that all? Here we were
living in a corridor... a giant spider's corridor! She bit me to
sleep, and I woke up covered in slime, inside Mordor, captured by
orks, they spat me in the face and tortured me hours and hours just
for fun."
But Pippin was unimpressed: "Paradise! We had to live with a tree!
Everything went so slow we'd ask for breakfast and starve to death
before it arrived! Before he understood we were not orcs, he'd
already squashed us like bugs, and broken every bone in our bodies."
"Luxury.", said Sam quietly,"When we got away from the orks and
spiders, we had to go and live in an active volcano! Half the floor
was missing, nothing to eat but hot lava, and Gollum bit all our
fingers off and threw them away, into the fire. And when he'd
finished, he started with our toes! And what did we get for it?
A 'thank you, now I can be king' from Aragorn. Very nice."
Merry added, "And when we got home to the shire, Saruman had
destroyed it all with toxic waste, and danced between the ruins,
singing Hallelujah."
Frodo said finally, "And you try and tell it to peter jackson, and he
won't believe you!"


This fanfic has also appeared on one or two websites, but it is mine
and I did not want you to miss it.