Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted
to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for
new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The
couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The
second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but,
yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the
young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped
it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was
overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket
anymore either."

============================

Q: Why is a vacuum cleaner a bad gift for a Buddhist?

A: Because it comes with attachments.

============================

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker

Lord, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.

============================

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

============================

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

The Ten Commandments Are Not Multiple Choice.
-GOD

============================

An HMO Manager Goes to Heaven. . .

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates
for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon
and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can
enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people
rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I
helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You
can come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three
days. After that, you can go to Hell."

============================

There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her
business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible
along with her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her
Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was
doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe
all that stuff in there do you?"

The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside
the whale?"

The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to
heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.

============================

[OK, it's an oldie ...]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building
improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning,
escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going
down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."

God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he
should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back
up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going
to get a lawyer?"

============================

Ten Reasons God Created Woman

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because
he wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV
remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see
what's on ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a
new one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would
never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his
tools.

> 3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for
anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the No. 1 reason of all (Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.]

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared:
"I can do better than that."

============================

I was talking with a good friend about the fuss over the Ten
Commandments monument in Alabama. She suggested that, in order to cut
down on the people who would take offense at the sight of the
monument, they might cover it with Confederate flags.

============================

>From a mailing list discussion of the new "W" action figure:

>Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush - U.S. President and Naval
>Aviator - 12" Action Figure Pre-order: Available 09/15/03

>http://www.kbtoys.com/genProduct.html/PID/2431939
/ctid/17?_ts=n&ls=default

I used to have one of those, but it hid behind the sofa whenever I
tried to play Vietnam.

============================

On his web site at Johns Hopkins university, Jonathan Shapiro writes:

By now, you may have heard that Microsoft has received a Common
Criteria certification for Windows 2000 (with service pack 3) at
Evaluation Assurance Level (EAL) 4. Since a bunch of people know that
I work on operating system security and on security assurance, I've
received lots of notes asking "What does this mean?" On this page I
will try to answer the question. For the impatient the answer is:

"Security experts have been saying for years that the security of the
Windows family of products is hopelessly inadequate. Now there is a
rigorous government certification confirming this. "

Further down, he also says ...

In the case of CAPP, an EAL4 evaluation tells you everything you need
to know. It tells you that Microsoft spent millions of dollars
producing documentation that shows that Windows 2000 meets an
inadequate set of requirements, and that you can have reasonably
strong confidence that this is the case.


[ http://eros.cs.jhu.edu/~shap/NT-EAL4.html ]