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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, August 12, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a quick update issue tonight. Justin will be doing the honors
for most of the week next week, so be nice to him.

Son #1 is doing much better tonight. He's walking with a slight
limp, but I think it's just a little too convenient. He didn't
want to mow the lawn tonight. And, he doesn't roll on the floor
and cry that hard when I smack his butt. (just kidding).

I think this is a record for son #4. 4 days in a row. I think he
said the other day that if he goes 6 months without an accident in
his pants, he wants a real car.

Sure.

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Marty,
How much longer before son #1 ask you to stop talking aobut him
because of embarrassment from his classmates? Tell Grandma 2 plops
is never enough.
~Jim in Indiana

[I asked him. He said, "No one I know reads your jokes, and
besides, they tease me already." He's not the kind that gets
offended easily, and he's had plenty of practice deflecting
teasing from his family since before he was born!]

Sign on the back of a very large dump truck:  Constipated!  Can't
Pass A Thing!
~Anne S.


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¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

I just read an article stating that the Lance Armstrong may be
stripped of his 6th Tour de France title. In a random check for
banned substances, 3 substances were found in Lance Armstrong's
hotel that are banned by the French:
Toothpaste, deodorant, and soap.
~Margie S.

<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>

When my daughter was about 6, my sister was babysitting for the
day.  My sister had a soap opera on the tv and during a love
scene, my daughter expressed how gross she thought it was that a
man and a woman were kissing.  My sister explained that when a man
and a woman are in love, kissing is not gross. She then said,
"your Mommy and Daddy kiss - they're in love." My daughter's
rebuttal to that was "No they're not - they're married!"

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-
alike apologized, "Pardon me!"

"That's quite all right," the woman replied. "You look just
like my fourth husband."

"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"

She winked at him and said, "Three."

Marty's Joke of the Day
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, August 12, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A rare early morning issue today. I was out singing with the
choral last night, and got in a bit late.

Yesterday morning, my sweet wife called me at work and said that
son #1 was pretty sick. I told her she'd better get him to the
doctor. When they got there, the nurse asked what the problem was.
"Well," she began, "He's got a very sore throat, sore back,
dizziness, fever, weakness... and he's kind of short."

"I see," said the nurse. "How long has this been going on?"

"Since he was born" [Baa dump bump]

Anyway, turns out he had a pretty severe case of tonsillitis
caused by a strep virus. He ended up getting a shot of penicillin
in his rear end, and some pills. He wasn't too happy about that,
but said he started feeling better fairly quickly.

About 3AM this morning I heard him get out of bed (he slept most
of the day yesterday). I went in to check on him and asked how he
was feeling. He said not so well. He looked ok, his fever was
gone, and looked well rested. "What's wrong I said?"

"My butt's sore!"

Oh well.

And...

At dinner last night, my sweet wife said, "Guess where I found
your son #4 this morning?" [It's always a good one when it's ~my~
son]

"Where?" I asked

"In front of the refrigerator, door open, sitting on the floor,
with a spoon, and an open carton of sour cream. Wearing a big sour
cream filled smile."

Figures.

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Your story about potty training reminded me about my #1
daughter.  We had been working hard to train her to go potty. When
my wife heard the plop, plop in the toilet she would respond Yeah!
you went potty!" while clapping her hands. We didn't realize how
impressionable young kids are until we were at my in-laws and #1
daughter went into the bathroom as Grandma was sitting.  When she
heard the familiar plop, plop. Daughter #1 started clapping her
hands and yelled "yeah grandma".  Needless to say grandma started
locking the door after that. Thanks for the laugh.
~Douglas L

Marty
Got another sign for you:
Seen on a septic tank truck~~
A Royal Flush Beats a Full House
Jason in Denver
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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She
swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse
Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna
the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good
news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another
patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with
his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I'm
so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I
put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
~Doug S.

<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>

In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red
sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in
for a proper fit. "Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said. "See,
the sweater is going to be a surprise!"

_________________________________________________________
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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

"John Kerry has a new 757 jet to use while he campaigns for
president ... did you see it on the news? This is a really cool
plane. In the event that Kerry starts speaking, oxygen masks fall
from the ceiling to keep people awake."
~Jay Leno

                             ***

"Former President Clinton is in the news. He says that he hopes
President Bush and John Kerry will have a smart, rigorous campaign
without childish name calling. In response President Bush said
that it's okay with me as long as it's okay with poopy pants."
~Conan O'Brien

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight it was our turn to work at the church farm. Not that we
`had' to go, but I think it helps the boys learn about serving
others, and also learn where food really comes from. The last time
we were there we planted green peppers. They showed us the plants
we planted. They were huge! But tonight we were assigned to pick
tomatoes. I thought it was interesting; We didn't pick them quite
the same way you would from your own garden, they told us to "pick
anything that has any color on it. Anything that's not solid
green." I guess they ripen up on their way to the storehouse, and
also when sitting there to be used.

There were 4 rows of tomato plants about 50 yards long. I started
in on one, and the boys and my sweet wife started on the others.
After about 10 minutes son #4 had to go potty. My sweet wife took
him and returned about 10 minutes later. Then they disappeared
again for the same thing. This time they were gone a little
longer. So they didn't pick many tomatoes.

When we were done I asked her, "where were you guys for so long?"
She just rolled her eyes.

Son #4 had been struggling with the second part of the toilet
training thing. We thought that the `burber king' thing would do
the trick, where we'd take him out for a burger. Didn't happen. My
sweet wife told me that yesterday when they were in the store, son
#4 spied a really cool $5 toy car. He wanted it pretty bad. My
sweet wife made a deal with him and said that if he went in the
proper receptacle for 3 days, she would buy him the car. (She's so
smart!) So he's been sitting and doing it correctly for 2 days
now. 3 times a day too. And yelling at the top of his lungs "I DID
ANOTHER ONE MOM! COME LOOK!!" (I think it must be the sour cream)

You know, you mothers out there just don't get enough credit.

But, I think this $5 car just might be the ticket!

Yipee, we won't have diapers for 10 more years. At least until the
grandkids come along.

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader comment Section

Hi Marty,
At that age, I was into the Mayonaise. I even knew how to ask for
it, sort of.. Man-Haise. hehehe.  I think because they are growing
then, at such a fast rate, all the fatty foods in the world don't
matter.  When we are older, we still crave them, if we didn't give
into Atkinson's or re-learn to like vege meals better...
-Lauren

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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

[I tell a good 15 minute campfire story about this joke... but I
won't take up all of your time. (besides, you should get back to
work!]

Once upon a time there were two groups of people, one group were
the Trids and the other were the Rabbis. There was a giant who
didn't like the Trids. One day he said, "Any trid that comes on
this hill will get kicked off by me." So one Trid went up the hill
and got kicked off, another Trid went up and got kicked off too.
It went on like that for a while. Finally a Rabbi went up the hill
and the Giant said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"


<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>

Uses For Fruitcake

1. Bury them in the back yard for future archaeologists to
discover.

2. Give them to your son for a science project

3. Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one
Fruitcake that's making it's rounds every year.

4. Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.

5. Mash them down and use for mortar when building a log
cabin.

6. Use as exercise stepping block for step aerobics.

7. Makes a wonderful dessert for Road Kill Cafe fare.

8. Use them to pave the freeways with. Just place them on the road
and run a steamroller over them.

9. Use them as fillers to repair the river levees with! They last
indefinitely and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.

10. Last and probably least - try eating it! One way to get rid of
it!

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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
Signs

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

~Doug S.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, August 09, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's amazing what kids will do when you're not looking. Tonight at
dinner we had soft shelled tacos. My sweet wife browned the meat,
got out the cheese, lettuce, fresh tomatoes, tortillas, sour
cream, corn on the cob, and all of the fixings.

As always, after the prayer, the feeding began. Everyone was quiet
for a few minutes, and then it seemed as if they all came up for
air at the same time. Son #1 said, "meat please" #3 said, "Hey, I
said gimme the water!" #4 said, (sour) "cream please". Etc. etc.

I looked over at son #4, and said, "Honey, look at your boy!" He
had a good-sized teaspoon full of sour cream that he had just put
in his mouth and was eating it straight. After several ewwwws and
icks from his brothers, we all laughed at him. He said it tasted
good.

Yeah, I'm sure...

I'm still of the opinion that little ones need fatty stuff when
they're 2 or 3, and will get it anyway they can. I remember
catching all of the kids eating butter or really fatty stuff when
they were that age. I guess I just never stopped. (grin)

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

Reader Comment Section:

Hi Marty,

I love getting up and reading the jokes you send everyday. You
asked for elephant jokes ... well, here's a couple for you.
~Mary F

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a white elephant?
Most people will say a white elephant gun.
No, silly you twist its trunk until it turns blue and shoot it
with a blue elephant gun.

=-=-

[My sweet wife came down as I was finishing today's issue. I guess
she must be tired...]

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the
hill?
"Look here come the elephants over the hill"

Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
So people won't recognize them.

What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants coming over the hill
wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them!

"I told you it was stupid Marty"
~My sweet wife

=-=-

How do you fit 14 elephants into a VW Bug?
Two in front, two in back, and ten in the glove compartment!
~Sweet wife

=-=-=-

What did the grape say when an elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
~Sweet wife

=-=-=-

What's the difference between an elephant and a loaf of bread?
If you don't know, I'm not going to send you to the store for a
loaf of bread!
~Sweet wife

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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with
a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female
pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her
attention.  She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of
the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb
and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm
fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have
happened to me if that dog hadn't honked..."

<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first
cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a
conversation but got no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final
check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

"How old are you?"

No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can
you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you
count?!"

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An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his class and
noticed that one of his students had fallen asleep. The professor
was annoyed enough to send the book spinning through the air and
bounce it off the sleeper's skull. Startled awake, the student
asked what had hit him.

"That," said the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday, August 6, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome to another edition of Marty's Joke of the Day!
I'm Justin, the Friday Fill-in-Joke Master -- Marty takes Fridays
off to spend time with his boys.  Let us know what you think.
To contact Marty, reply to this email
To contact me email martysneighbor@...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kids can be really sensitive, expecially when they want to have
their own way.  My sister told her two-year old "no" to
something the other night and it made him unhappy, so he started
to cry.  Her husband is a pilot for a major airline, and was out
out of town, so my nephew said between tears, "Mom you get your
phone, call my daddy."

She asked him why he wanted her to call him, and he replied,
"Me."

She said, "You want me to tell him you're sad?"
He said "Uh huh."  So she had to call my brother-in-law and tell
him what a mean mom she is and that the kid was upset with her,
then he was fine.

Go figure.

Enjoy the jokes and have a nice weekend!
Justin

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:
(More on the same issue: kids vs. me)

I'm just the opposite of RC.  I like to read the funny real
life stories at the beginning, and sometimes skip the jokes.
I like to hear the funny things the kids have done, and if you
and Marty have something funny that happened, too, that's great.
~Tamara M.
-----
Tell us about the kids.  I live accounting stuff all day.
~Sandra H.
-----
How about a good mix of both, that works for me.
~Shirley
-----
Hi Justin
Well lets see, I enjoyed the tomato story.  So  I think I agree
that a bit of your life shook up with the rest would be nice.
The kids stories are cute but I think there could be more about
you and your darling wife.  I don't think your wife would
appreciate any stories about your girlfriend though.  Just a
hunch I have.  You're doing a great job though so whatever you
decide I will still choose to read it.  Thanks for all the good
laughs.
~Audrey
-----
Justin:  I can't believe that writer that "took you to the
cleaners" ... so to speak !  You are doing a FABULOUS job with
stepping in for Marty and my husband and I LOVE your comments
about your nephews and you just write about ANYTHING YOU WANT !!
~Gloria
-----
Tell us whatever you wish. Unlike that person who insisted you
write about yourself, I do NOT skip your stories about your sister
and/or you nephew. I enjoy what ever you write. Thanks
~Madalyn

_________________________________________________________
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A friend of mine found a way to reduce the high costs of
parking tickets at the University.  He discovered that when in
a pinch for a parking space, the fine for parking on the grass
is much less than parking in faculty parking.  He also found
that he could "re-use" a ticket by putting it back under his
windshield the next time he parked. (BTW, neither of these are
suggested)

~Submitted by David C, Marty's High School Buddy

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
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Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed
to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say
I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your
skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer," she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute," Todd interrupted. "I haven't added them
up yet."

~Submitted by Brad W.

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
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A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural
geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being
the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a
large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.

One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining
severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical
structure; subsequently the second member of the team
performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same
direction taken by the first team member.

In simple English what does this translate to??

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.  Jack
fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

~submitted by Wanda D.

=============
News Update
=============

A French High Court ruled today that Tour Winner Lance Armstrong
has been stripped of his latest victory in the Tour De France
for using 3 substances banned in France:
      Toothpaste
      Soap
      Deodorant

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, August 05, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the winners of our Christmas Carol contest are:

First Place - Anne R
Second Place - Marianne R
Second Runner up - Margaret W
And not in last place - James G

Good job guys! I know #12 didn't really have the right clue for
the meaning of the carol, but you all got it anyway! Way to go!

Not much happening today on the kidlet front. My sweet wife did
talk to a neighbor about the main water main breaking at the
school yesterday. She said it was pretty soggy this morning, and
they even had a fire truck out there when the water was going. Who
knows, maybe they were filling up!

Have a great weekend and,
Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-

This one has been around forever, with assorted variations, but
here it is anyway. Why do elephants paid their toenails red? So
they can hide in strawberry patches.
Does it work?
Have YOU ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
~Marianne R

[on expensive marshal arts lessons]
You might want to see if your County or City Recreation
departments offer any martial arts courses.  They're usually less
expensive, and more family oriented, through them then they are
through private schools.  That's how my daughter and I were able
to afford lessons.  We wound up with a wonderful instructor there
as well, 6'1", buff ex-marine, 4th degree black belt, but he was
so gentle and patient with the children it was amazing.  Good
luck!
~Eddie

By the way, you do a superb job with this site. Thank you for all
the time & effort you put into it. I enjoy hearing about your
family very much.
Anne R.
[First place Christmas Carol winner!]

I figured that you expected "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" for
"Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers."  But I think the meaning,
as per the punctuation in #12, with the comma after Merry, is
supposed to be, "may God leave you in a merry state of mind," not
"may God give you some time to relax" (rest), or "stop (rest) you
from being merry (blithe).  Those meanings wouldn't really fit
with the Christmas message, would they?
~Marianne R
[our 2nd place winner]
[You are 110% correct! Sing on...]

This was fun- I enjoyed it. Especially in August when I felt I
could take the time to study it. Thanks for the fun.
~Margaret W. from the Funny Farm
[our 3rd place winner]

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
From stamping out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks...
LOVE your newsletter!
J.J.
Albuquerque, NM

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As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did
research at night.  I would usually take a break around eight,
however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a
teammate.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master
strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent
after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly,
my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."


<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>


[one of my favorites]

Mary was married to a something of a chauvinist. They both worked
full time, but he never did anything around the house and
certainly....not any housework. That, he declared, was 'woman's
work.'

One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children
bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in
the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table,
complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately
wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that her husband Charley had read a magazine article
that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined
if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in
addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she
couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work
out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned
up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and
put everything away."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"Oh, that part didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too
tired."

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Answers to yesterday's Christmas Carols quiz

1.  White Christmas
2.  Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3.  All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4.  O Holy Night
5.  It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6.  O Come, All Ye Faithful
7.  Away in a Manger
8.  Deck the Hall
9.  Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took 3 boys down to the local Tai Kwan Do studio tonight. We all
had a free `first lesson'. It was pretty cool, and we all wanted
to join, but oh my, $200/month for the whole family is a lot of
macoroni and cheese. Computer support just doesn't pay what it
used to. *sigh*

Anyway, on the way home, we stopped at the boys' elementary
school. During the summer they took out the old playground
equipment, and they're installing some really cool `modern'
playground stuff.

(Son #1 says "that's not fair. They don't even have a playground
in middle school." Ahh... the pains of growing older. He did come
up rather excited this morning pointing under his arm, "Look dad!
I got hair under my arm, and not that little peach fuzz stuff."
Yeah, I really wanted to see that. But, I feigned interested
anyway.)

Anyway, when we stopped at the playground we sat in the car
looking at the half built playground. There were 5 workers digging
and installing equipment. All of a sudden, while using a pickaxe,
one of the workers, hit a huge waterline. It was COOL! The water
shot up 20 feet in the air. It was kinda funny; they grabbed their
tools and put them aside, grabbed their cell phones and started
calling, and 2 of the other guys ran off looking for sprinkler
lines or somehow to shut it off.

We sat there for a minute, and the I figured we'd better go before
the boys asked if they could go out and play in it...

Anyway,
Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section

I guess I've not been around a second grader in too long a time
because the only time honored elephant joke I can think of right
off hand is, "How do you keep an elephant from charging?  Take
away his credit cards." Or, "How do you know if an elephants been
in your peanuts? You can smell them on his breath." You know I
actually thought the foot prints in the refrigerator were in the
jello instead of the butter. Guess it depends on whose
refrigerator, right? Happy Belated Birthday.
~Linda B

[Groan... I'll leave it to you to figure out what I'm groaning at]

it wouldn't hurt to have a talk w/son #1 & discuss what's expected
and NOT expected of a 'babysitter', regardless if it's your own
kid or some 1 else's. he also needs to understand that parents DO
NOT want or expect to come home from an evening out only to find
more work to do. (talk about letting wind out of your 'goodtime'
sails!) it was definitely not a kid's best way to showcase his
advancing maturity & responsibility  skills. or.......you could
just use the reader's digest condensed version & tell son#1 that
for every mess you come home to you'll deduct a $1.
~Linda W.

[The 2nd way seems easier and cheaper! (grin)]

Hi Marty:
I do love your newsletter.  It has the neatest stuff in it.
However, Justin seems to have no life at all or fails to see humor
in it. Sorry about his "personal" stuff just doesn't work, but his
nephews do. LOL Here is an elephant joke from Ontario, Canada. How
can an elephant hide in a cherry tree? He paints his toenails red.
Thanks for all your work.
~Anne S.

[Thanks Anne. Funny the other day, someone very close to me was
saying that Justin's Jokes were a tad bit funnier than mine where.
I think I must have been dreaming, a mother would never tell her
son that! Just for that... I'm going with the old stand-by
Christmas Jokes today!]

There is an elephant coming over the hill.... everyone starts
running and screaming.

The Mexican runs and screams, "¡Corra! el elefante viene!"
The Frenchman runs and screams,"Course ! l'éléphant vient!"
The German screams, "Lauf! der Elefant kommt!" and
The American screams, "Run! The elephant is coming!"
.....Finally, the Mormon yells, "look, a year's supply!"

Hahaha, I don't know if you understood that but I thought it was
funny!
~Kali P.

[One of those cultural jokes. Funny funny funny!]

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[In honor of Christmas in August, here's a quick little Christmas
Carol Quiz. Answers tomorrow. First one with answers gets the
usual, `name in lights' award.]

Name The Christmas Carol!

  1. Bleached Yule
  2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
  3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
  4. Righteous Darkness
  5. Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless
  6. Loyal Followers Advance
  7. Far Off in a Feeder
  8. Array the Corridor
  9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals



<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>


A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose.  "I think it's raining" he
said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument
about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a
minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not
fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether
it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade
Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

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Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wayne
Wayne who ?
Wayne in a manger... !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Donut
Donut who ?
Donut open till Christmas !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other
month? [The letter "D"!]

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
[So he can ho-ho-ho.]

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
[Because he had low elf esteem.]

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My sweet, sweet, and truly sweet wife and I finally got to go out
(alone, without boys) for my birthday tonight. We went to see
Spiderman 2. Pretty good show! Now, it's always a scary thing to
leave the boys at home. We always make sure that Grandma and
Grandpa are just down the street to make sure no one gets hurt. We
also pay son #1 a few bucks to make everyone happy. But tonight
when we got home, things were pretty messy. There was even a half
eaten bowl of cereal dumped on the tile kitchen floor.

"You need to clean this up (son #1)".
"But Daaad..."
"No buts about it, that's part of babysitting"
"Well, I guess it is, but will you pay me extra?"

Hmm... I'm not sure he understands the whole `babysitting' thing yet.

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-

i'm just now looking at the octopus......i have to admit, that's
VERY cleaver!  i never woulda thoughta that!  that son should be
encouraged to express himself artistically.  just think what
he could do w/a whole ham!

[Shudder...]

Marty - I'm a succor for elephant jokes.  Here's a couple of the
best.  What do you get when you cross and elephant with a
kangaroo?  Holes all over Australia.  What do you get when you
cross an elephant with a worm?  Holes all over your garden.
~poetical

[Hmm... I'll bet those are good elephant jokes up there in Idaho,
but, we have some high class ones in Utah. `How can you tell when
an elephant's been in your refrigerator? There's footprints in the
butter!' Anyone have any corny elephant jokes?]


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Two guys sat down for lunch in the General Motors office
cafeteria.

"Hey, whatever happened to Bill in Engineering?" One asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind
of car," his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took a engine from a Firehawk, 6 sp. transmission from a
Corvette, Camaro body, seats from a Blazer, wheels and tires from
a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten to fifteen years."

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Mom was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A
medical billing service had launched an 800 number that was
identical to her local number. When she called to complain, she
was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded.

"Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused.

So Mom said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who
calls that the bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.
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Dear Diary,

Monday;
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new
home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel
food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately."
Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to
borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake
turned out fine.

Tuesday;
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,
"Serve without dressing."  So, I didn't dress. But, Bill
happened to bring a friend home for supper that night.
Did they ever look startled when I served the salad!

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,
Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice."  So, I
heated some water and took a bath before steaming
the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week.
I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving."  I hunted all over the
garden by my Mom's. So I tossed my salad into the
bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the
dog would not  take it.  Bill came over and asked if I
felt all right.  I wonder why?

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies.  It said, "Put
all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right
over to my Mom's house!  There must have been
something wrong with the recipe, because when I
came back home again it looked the same as when
I left it.

Saturday
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday.  I'm sure I don't
know how hens dress for Sunday.  I never noticed
back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some
little shoes.  I though the hen looked real cute.  When
Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday:
Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger.
So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast.
There must be a problem with the oven, because
it still came out a hamburger.

Monday:
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "Mix
well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until
double in bulk."  I just won't bake bread if I have to
double in bulk!

Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week.
I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new
recipe on Bill.
~Debi

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, August 02, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boy son #1 and I really had a good time going down the Snake River
with our church youth group. We were pretty save, and I only got
thrown out once, but that was enough for me! On the day we got there
we took a hike up a mountain with the rest of the group. We saw 2
black bears eating berries, and I got a couple of good photographs
of them.

We stayed at a hostel, which was a new experience for both of us. By
the 2nd day there, son #1 and I had found an internet connection
downstairs. It was a web-TV hook up, and wasn't very easy to
navigate, but at least we could read our email. Early on my birthday
morning, I was reading email from my sweet wife. I was feeling a
little homesick for her when son #1 came down. He put him arm around
me and said, "Happy Birthday Dad." I sighed and said, "Thanks bud, I
was wondering if anyone would remember."

That was the wrong thing to say to a mischievous young man. After he
got with the two twins his age, they told each and every one of the
41 people in our group, which birthday I was having. Since it was a
milestone birthday, everyone wished me a happy birthday. And, being
the `twiterpated' little boys that they were, they even went up to
some of the other hostel guests (mostly cute teenage girls) and told
them to wish me a happy birthday.

From one extreme to the other I guess.

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment section:

[re: grandpa shooting son #2's target]

And it's probably something you'll do w/your grandson & son #2
will do w/his grandson.......
Linda W.

Marty,
Please keep giving us all your political jokes no matter what side
of the aisle they come from. If we can't laugh at politics
(especially with the tone of this election) then we are too
serious and there is no hope left for our democracy.
Mark

=-=-=-

[Do any of you know what `phishing' is? It's where identify
thieves try to get you to give up important, personal information.
Here's a little quiz a buddy of mine at work found. See if you can
tell which ones of these emails are fake, and which ones are
genuine. (some are legitimate and some are fraud. I got 9 out of
10 right. How about you?
http://survey.mailfrontier.com/survey/quiztest.html
Marty ]

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The obstetrician was used to seeing some unusual tattoos when he
was working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of
fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," the
doctor commented. With a sad smile, she replied, "It used to be a
dolphin."


<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>


My mom, a nurse, was having an insane evening in the emergency
room. First, a woman who had delivered her baby in a car was
rushed in. Next was a man carrying a lifeless body yelling, "Help
me!" In the middle of all this, a patient escaped from the
psychiatric ward, tore off her clothes, and went running through
the halls naked. During a lull, Mom called home. "You wouldn't
believe the night I'm having," she said to my dad. "Can't talk
now," he interrupted. "I'm watching ER."

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Once upon a time, in Colorado, the chief of an Indian tribe, I
believe it was the Navajos, had a very beautiful daughter. And
she was of marrying age. And many, many braves were wanting the
daughter's hand in marriage. Well, being a wise chief, he decided
that he wanted his daughter to marry the bravest and strongest and
wisest brave of the bunch.  So he held a contest. All the eligible
bachelors were to go hunting and the brave that brought back the
biggest and best catch would be given the chief's daughter in
marriage. A lot of braves turned out for this event.  On Monday
morning they all set out, bows and arrows in hand.  Well, on
Tuesday afternoon, all the braves had brought their killings in
except for three: Running Bear, Sitting Bull, and Falling Rock.

On Wednesday morning, Running Bear brought in a really big black
bear, weighing 480 pounds and 7 foot in length.  The chief was
quite impressed. This was the best killing of all so far.  But, of
course, they had to wait for the remaining two before he could
award his daughter to Running Bear.

Well, on Wednesday night, Sitting Bull brought back a really,
Really big cougar, even bigger than the black bear that Running
Bear had come home with.  The cougar weighed 620 pounds and was 7
1/2 feet long.  Clearly, Sitting Bull was about to win the chief's
daughter's hand in marriage. Excitement rose within the camp.
Everyone was pretty sure that Falling Rock couldn't top Sitting
Bull's catch! Thursday came and went ..... Friday came and went
..... Saturday came and went ..... The weeks turned into months
and the months into years, and still Failing Rock did not return.

It was obvious, the chief couldn't wait forever for Falling Rock
to return. So he granted his daughter to Sitting Bull and they
lived happily ever after, and the tribe no longer waited for the
wayward brave, but they did keep their eyes open when out on the
trails.  And today you will still see in Colorado those signs that
say, "Watch for Falling Rock."

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday, July 30, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome to another edition of Marty's Joke of the Day!
I'm Justin, the Friday Fill-in-Joke Master -- Marty takes Fridays
off to spend time with his boys.  Let us know what you think.
To contact Marty, reply to this email
To contact me email martysneighbor@...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi everyone!  Well, I got more than 25 responses to my question
from yesterday.  I'll print several of the responses in the
Reader Comment section below, but I don't want to bore you, so
if you don't care what others have to say, go ahead and skip it.

Based on the responses I got, I'll start sharing more about
myself.  However, since funny or interesting things usually don't
happen in my life, I'll still share stories about my nieces and
nephews.

I've been racking my brain, trying to think of something remotely
interesting to tell you today, and I think I finally came up with
something.  A few years ago, my wife and I and a bunch of friends
took a trip to Hawaii.  We rented a van so that we could all
drive together on the island.

One night we were driving around Honolulu, looking for a
particular restaurant.  I was at the wheel, and we were all on
the lookout.  Someone noticed that we had just passed it, and so
I turned down a side street so that I could turn around and find
a place to park.  If you've ever been to Honolulu, you may know
that there are a lot of one-way streets.  A lot.

After turning down this road, I immediately noticed all the
cars that were parked on the street were facing me.  I also
immediately noticed a car coming towards us.  I decided I would
wait for it to pass and then I would turn around and no one would
be the wiser.  As the car approached, I realized that it was one
of the fine Honolulu Police vehicles, and that it was slowing down
so the offiver could have a little chat with me.

Somehow he knew we were from out of town.  Happily he didn't give
us a ticket, but encouraged us to pay closer attention to the
road signs in the future.

Enjoy the jokes and have a nice weekend!
Justin

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Tell us more about YOU!
-Pamela
------
I would like to read about both subjects.
-PD
------
Justin
Personally, I love your nephew stories! They always make me laugh
out loud. He is a pretty lucky guy to have an uncle who so enjoys
his antics.  Some personal stories would also be fine, but I
never scroll past the sister and nephew stories. I love 'em!
-Kathy
------
Hey Justin..
You know... at first I was not happy reading about someone
cutting into you like that... then I got to thinking...
hummmmmmm it would be fun to hear the exploits of an accounting
student..haha I vote you talk more about yourself.......
but I still like to hear what your sisters kids are doing..haha
-debi in ky
------
JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I ENJOY HEARING ABOUT YOUR SISTER
AND NEPHEW.  DPN'T LISTEN TO THAT GUY--SOME OF US ARE PROUD AND
TRULY ENJOY OUR EXTENDED FAMILY (AND YOURS TOO!)
-MARIANNE
------
I LOVE the stories about your nieces and nephews.  Nothing beats
the antics of small children.  I love it when it is your turn to
"fill in" for Marty. Don't change a thing.
-Thelma
------
I love the stories about your sister's children.  Don't stop
them please!
-Wilma in Colorado
------
I think you do a great job !  Just write what you are comfortable
with -  if some don't want to read it, then that is their choice.
Personally, I like your stories-  keep up the good work !!
-Rowena C.
------
Justin,
I love the jokes and all but I would have to agree with RC.  You
should mix it up a little.  Since you are a college grad, tell
us some of those college stories that you have lying around
somewhere, or maybe the Do's and Don'ts of Dating according to
Justin.
-Jason in Denver
------
I don't dislike hearing about your sister & nephew, but it would
be nice to hear more about you. Marty talks so much about all
aspects of his life that you feel like you know him. But we know
very little about you. Some stories about college life might
bring back some memories for some of us.
-Anne
-----
Go with the accounting grad stories (I'm a CPA)
-Jan

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every
time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those
calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

"It's right here, with me."

~submitted by Brad W.

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned
to cover Southern California's wildfires. The magazine wanted
pictures of the heroic work the  firefighters were doing as they
battled the blazes.

When the photographer arrived on the scene he realized that the
smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede, or even make
impossible, his obtaining good photographs from ground-level.

He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take
photos from the air. His request was approved, and via a cell
phone call to the local county airport, necessary arrangements
were made.  He was told a single-engine plane would be waiting
for him at the airport.

He arrived at the airfield and spotted a plane warming up
outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door
shut, and shouted, "Let's go!"

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind, and roared
down the runway.  Within just a minute or two of his arrival
they were in the air.

The photographer requested the pilot to, "Fly over the valley
and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of
the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for a national magazine," he
responded, "and I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment; finally he
stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight
instructor?"

~submitted by Kristina H.

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

While I was working on my MBA in the evenings, I would leave
work a little early to make it to class on time.  Parking at the
University was free after six p.m., the time my class started,
so I would always try to cut it close to avoid parking fees.
One October Monday, I noticed from my clock at work that I was
running late and raced out of work and to class.  When I
arrived, no one was there.  Puzzled, I walked around a bit to
find out if the class had been canceled.  I soon discovered
that it was only 5:00 PM, not 6:00.  I had forgotten to change
my work clock from Daylight Savings and sure enough received a
parking ticket.

~submitted by David C.

=====================
Thought for the day
=====================

Be nice to nerds, chances are you'll end up working for one.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, July 29, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome to another edition of Marty's Joke of the Day!
I'm Justin, the Friday Fill-in-Joke Master -- Marty takes Fridays
off to spend time with his boys.  Let us know what you think.
To contact Marty, reply to this email
To contact me email martysneighbor@...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marty is off on a river run with his son, so he asked me to fill
in today.

I'm going to start out by saying there are some real weirdos out
there.  My wife and I have a few tomato plants in our garden,
and we always get excited about eating the fresh-from-the-garden
tomatoes we grow.  My wife made some great fresh salsa with our
toms last year, so we're looking forward to that, too.

Well, a few weeks ago, we noticed that the first tomato was
starting to ripen and turn red.  We kept watch on it so that
we could pluck it when it was "just right" and eat it.  We came
home from work one day and discovered it wasn't there.  Someone
had stolen our first tomato right out of our backyard.  who does
that?  It's not like an animal came and ate it because it was
on the inside of the plant foliage, surrounded by green tomatoes
that weren't touched.

So do you think we should install a high-tech security system to
protect against people stealing our tomatoes?

Enjoy the jokes!
Justin

=-=-=-
Reader Comment section:

Justin,
I know I'm no psychiatrist, but there must be some deep seated
emotion that when boys (Males) are sick, we want our Mommies.
Believe me, every time I'm sick I want to be waited on hand and
foot.   Since I've been married this has never happened until I
was recovering from some surgery...  Boy did my wife treat nice.
It was wonderful.

I have tried to return the favor when my wife was sick, and all

she did was yell at me to leave her alone.  No coddling allowed.
Thanks for the story!
Marty's co-worker,
Douglas

-----------

Hi, Justin,
No, I am not unsubscribing, but I just wanted to give you some
input.  How come you always write about your favorite sister in
Arizona & your nephew?  You must have a life of your own to
write about, right? It seems every time you start your Friday
comments you start out..."My favorite sister in Arizona...blah
blah blah...." OR........ "My two year old nephew in Arizona...
blah blah blah..."  I know this is a 'clean joke' site (it's
why I subscribe) & that many of the subscribers have families
of young children, but.......it sure gets old 'fast' when you
can't find something else to talk about....once in awhile,
anyway. As soon as I see 'sister in Ariz' or 'nephew', I scroll
down past all of that to where the jokes start. At least with
Marty, we get 'sweet wife', sons # 1, 2, 3, & 4, his mom,
camping or scout stories, health issues, etc etc etc.

Why don't you tell us about YOUR life---it doesn't have to be
funny or cutesy if nothing funny or cutesy happened to you all
week. (I mean...how often does it to ANYONE??) How about
telling us something about yourself or your day, or your
weekend, girlfriend, pet, house/apt, neighborhood, what
happened to you on your way to school/work, or something you
saw, (sad, funny, stupid, etc) or restuarants you like to eat
at, (favorite foods or something that happened while eating,
etc) or what you like about summer, (winter, fall, spring)
your feelings on different subjects....etc, etc., etc...
You aren't going to lose any subscribers--in fact, you may
even gain a few. I'm NOT saying 'give up entirely on the
nephew or sister stuff...just 'mix it up' once in awhile &
surprise us all. Once you get going.....I know your creative
juices will start to flow & you'll be thinking of dozens of
things you'll want to tell your subscribers about come the
'next Friday's issue' & you'll have to decide & choose which
story you want to tell us.  Just wanted to tell you all this....
Whether you take it to heart or not, I'll still continue to
read the jokes.
RC

[Well, folks!  Let's put it to a vote.  Do you want to hear
stories about my cute and adorable nieces and nephews, or do
you want to hear the exciting exploits of an accounting graduate
student?  (There was this one time when my balance sheet...)
Tell me which you prefer, and I'll try to comply.  Email me at
martysneighbor@...]

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Old People Humor!
-----------------

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.

The woman simply replied, "No peer pressure."

-----

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
Easter eggs.

-----

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker approached
the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

-----

God, grant me the senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

~submitted by my dad

_________________________________________________________
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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Two Rednecks driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles
of Coors.  The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead,
Ed, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer
drinkin' these here Beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba", Ed said, "we'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers, and peel off the label and stick
it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Ed.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under
the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they
reach the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Ed. "We're on the patch"

~submitted by Kristina H.

_________________________________________________________
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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

The trial is about to begin.

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says,
"Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.
The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the
case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000
to swing the case her way.

"In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to
the defense."

~submitted by Brad W.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, tonight we're scurrying around trying to get a few things
packed. Son #1 and I are going on a youth-conference with the
young men and young women of our church. We're going on a 3-day
river-rafting trip, up to Jackson Hole Wyoming. There are about 40
of us; (about 12 adults and 28 youth.) We're leaving at 7:00
tomorrow morning. We've been planning this trip for about 3
months, so of course, tonight about 7:30, son #1 comes running up
to my sweet wife and say, "Mom, what's Aubrey's phone number?
Quick!" She gave it to him. Apparently, the 12 and 13-year boys
and girls were supposed to have something planned for everyone for
Friday afternoon. I'm not sure they planned anything yet.

Hmm... It's one of those big homework type projects from school
that you never hear about until the last minute. I guess Friday
afternoon will be another teaching moment... *sigh*

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Guess who's having a ~big~ birthday the day he's going down
the rapids? I'm so old...

=-=-=-

Marty,
I'm one of the many volunteer Hunter Education and Firearm Safety
Instructors for Washington State. I just wanted you to know that I
appreciate parents like you that spend the time teaching firearm
safety instead of leaving it up to chance, hearsay and Hollywood.
If nothing else is taught to kids, teach them Muzzle Control.
Nothing bad can happen if the muzzle is always pointed in a safe
direction. We only have 6 days to teach classes of 25 students, so
we go for the most impactful and easy to remember keys to firearm
safety... we teach them MTA. Muzzle-Trigger-Action
M - Muzzle Control - Keep the Muzzle pointed in a safe direction.
T – Trigger - Keep your finger off the trigger until ready to fire
A - Action - Keep the action clear and open until you're ready to
use it...
You can also tell them MTA stands for "Mom Talks A lot" - but only
out in the field!
~Todd from WA

Marty
This does not seem to be the place for political humor. Most
political jokes are putdowns of one group, not the kind of thing
to see here. Beside that, the same stories appear year after year
with just the names and parties changed.
~Chuck H.
Anaheim

_________________________________________________________
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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The
parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to
decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and
put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were
not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he
will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest,
but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be
a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the
nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son
arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the
10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his
pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and
took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff,
to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying
all three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn
it! Our son is going to be a senator someday!"

[Oops... Sorry Chuck. But, you probably meant you didn't want to
see ~partisan~ political jokes... right?]

<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home
tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the
garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you
the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

_________________________________________________________
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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

US Military Warnings:

"Aim towards the enemy."
~Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher.

"When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend."
~US Marine Corps.

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground."
~USAF Ammo Troop.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
~Infantry Journal.

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when
you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what
is left of your unit."
~Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed."
~U.S. Air Force Manual.

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
~Infantry Journal.

"Tracers work both ways."
~US Army Ordnance.

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
~Infantry Journal.

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
~Anon.

"Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
~Your comrades.

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
~USAF Ammo Troop.

Submitted by
~Jeff B.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Son #4 has had a fever the last couple of days. Consequently, he's
been a bit crabby. Yesterday I came home from work and he was
sulking on the couch. "What's wrong bud?" I said. "Mom killed my
octopus!" he said. I told him that if she really did kill his
octopus, that she probably had a good reason. He wasn't happy with
that answer.

Apparently, when you take a hotdog, and cut legs and make eyes in
it, it turns out to be a hotdoctopus (I just made that up!) Here's
a picture. http://www.sbrown01.com/blog/octodog.gif (Man, they
have everything on the internet...) Anyway, when she cut the dog
up, and threw it in the boiling water, son #4 didn't take too
kindly to her `killing' is octopus, and it put him in a foul mood!

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Marty tell the lady to not only unplug from the wall but also
disconnect the telephone line. That can cause problems also.
Enjoy your newsletter, always look forward to reading it.
Shirley...Sweetie's mom

HI Marty.. speaking of www.jibjab.com  .. I got that a couple
weeks ago..and passed it on to my friends.. ...About your #2 son
and grandpa helping him unawares......I wouldn't wait to long to
tell him.. he might like to whoop up on grandpa and then challenge
him to a rematch.. hahaha That is a priceless one..I sure hope you
recorded it in your journal.. cause if you do wait til he's grown
up, he might not believe you if you dont' furnish  proof..hahaha
thanks for all the laughs..
~debi~

A caution from California
If [son #2] thinks he is such a perfect shot and by chance he got
access to a gun unknown to you, might he overestimate his skill
and  ------- who knows what.?
~Uncle Frank

[I know, it's a balancing act. I guess I'd rather teach them about
guns in my house, then have them find one at a friends house
and... who knows what...]

Hey Marty!  I love your newsletter and look forward to it
everyday.  I just wanted to let you know I'm extremely impressed
that you're teaching your children gun safety.  I know a lot of
people that are completely opposed to guns and having them in a
house with children.  I grew up in a house with guns but I was
taught respect for them and the proper use of them. ...when my
father passed away 2 years ago I inherited his large collection.
I don't think I have any other possessions I cherish as much as I
do those. I very much look forward to my husband and I getting to
teach our children the same respect and care for them as my father
taught me. The stories about your family make my day. Keep 'em
coming!
~Brandy in Indiana

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

[Found on the web today]

OSLO (Reuters) - A four-year-old boy caused chaos at a Norwegian
airport this week when he hopped aboard a luggage conveyor belt as
if it were a merry-go-round.

Ole Tobias crawled onto the belt next to an unmanned check-in desk
Monday, continued unnoticed through a trapdoor along with bags and
suitcases about his size, then passed through an X-ray scanner and
into the luggage hall.

"It was just a moment of inattention and Ole Tobias disappeared,"
his mother, Ingvild Aakervik, told NRK radio on Tuesday. "I
panicked and made the entire airport search for him."

She said Ole Tobias was not hurt and seemed to have enjoyed the
ride, which ended abruptly when staff at the Aalesund Vigra
airport in central Norway noticed the boy in the X-ray machine and
pressed the alarm button.


<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>


As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had
pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor
toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the
whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th
birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor
factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement
was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day
came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately
something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was
driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's
leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the
tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of
it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost! You
can imagine he was rather p****d off with tractors after this and
vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the
posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the
cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a
beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming
down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the
smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that,
Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the
smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the
smoke out again. He went back into the bar where the air was now
clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl. "That was
amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?" "No problem", said Joe
"I'm an extractor fan....

_________________________________________________________
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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election
that was too close to call.  Neither the Republican presidential
candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough
votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there
should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to
determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot
recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing
competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate
that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a
lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest
would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There
were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out
separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch
for counting and verification. At the end of the first day, George
W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore
returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just
having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will
catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes
in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none. That
evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says,
"Al, I think George W.  is a low-life cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I
want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing.
Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way. The next
night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton says
to Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?" "He sure is,
Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, July 26, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Saturday was son #2's "Saturday with dad" He decided that he
wanted to go to the local gun club and shoot the .22s. I got out
my rifle, and got the little chipmunk rifle out. I had forgotten
my cell phone over at Grandpa's house, so on the way to the gun
club; we stopped to pick it up. Grandpa said, "Where are you guys
going?" I said, "We're going to the gun club to shoot .22s" Son #2
said, "Yeah, wanna come?" Grandpa said sure. He went into his
closet and pulled out an ancient .22 rifle with a scope on it, and
a 6 shot .22 pistol.

While we were up there, we were shooting at our own targets. At
one point son #2 was shooting the pistol (which is not the most
accurate gun around, especially for a youngster) Just as he was
shooting his six rounds, I saw grandpa aiming for his target (with
his .22 with the scope). I looked at Grandpa and he winked at me.

Apparently son #2 (ahum... Grandpa) was a fantastic shot with the
pistol. When we checked the targets, son #2 said, "Look dad! I got
all 6 in the bull's-eye!" That's all he talked about for the rest
of the day. I didn't have the heart to tell him Grandpa might have
helped him out.

Oh well, when he grows up and gets interested in our family
history and starts reading these stories, he'll realize that he
really stunk when he shot Grandpa's pistol!

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

A tourist from the city was visiting a quaint country village, and
got talking to an old man in the local pub. "And have you lived
here all your life, sir?" asked the tourist.

And the old man, with a wise look, said, "Not yet."

<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>


A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before
him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after
his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked,
"Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"

"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."

She on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say
the rest of the time?"

"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had
inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.

However, his pride was quickly turned to humility when she asked,
"Then which does God believe?"

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street.

They came upon a homeless person.

The Republican gave the homeless person his business card. He told
him to come to his business for a job.

He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the
homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed.

They came to another homeless person.

He decided to help....

He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to
the welfare office.

He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty
dollars.

(Speaking of politics, have you guys see the cartoon that's going
around the internet? It's great! Go to www.jibjab.com It could
take awhile to download if you're on dialup, but it's well worth
it!)

******************************************************************
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday, July 23, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome to another Friday's edition of Marty's Joke of the Day!
I'm Justin, the Friday Fill-in-Joke Master -- Marty takes Fridays
off to spend time with his boys.  Let us know what you think.
To contact Marty, reply to this email
To contact me email martysneighbor@...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My two-year old nephew in Arizona had a stomach virus for four
days a little bit ago.  My sister said she was such a good mom
to himr while he was sick that he wants the "treatment" to
continue.  You see while he was laying around on the couch,
she'd sit there with him and rub his back, feed him ice chips,
make sure he had a blanket on, help him to drink his Pedialyte,
put in whatever movies he wanted, read him stories, nap with
him, comforted him after he threw up, and just do everything to
make him feel better without leaving his side for very long.

Now that he's better, he thinks mom needs to continue to be by
his side.  If he's watching T.V. he yells "Momma's spot" and
pats the couch where she is supposed to come sit.  If she goes
upstairs or just tries to do anything around the house, he's
immediately calling for her.  And if she tells him no about
anything, he pouts with his lower lip sticking far out and says,

"Ah-oh" with big sad eyes.

And everytime he asks for something it's done with a sad whiny
voice.   Even when he says hi to her now, it's this big sad,
"Hi Momma (big sigh)."

She said that next time he's sick, he's on his own.  I think
next time I'm sick I'm heading to her house!

Enjoy the jokes!
Justin

=-=-=-
Reader Comment section:

Justin-
I just now read your jokes and they are really good, but did you
know there was a second part to the bell ringers joke.

It seems a few days later his brother shows up to ask for the
job. Being normal and having all his limbs he had no problem
ringing the bells beautifully. When told he had the job he got
so excited he fell out of the bell tower to the same fate as his
brother. When the bishop got to his side it seems the same
crowd had gather that had been there a few days earlier. When
someone asked who he was, the bishop replied " I don't know but
he is a dead-ringer for his brother."

Have a great day,
Terri

[see http://groups.yahoo.com/group/martysjotd/message/1012 for
the first part of the joke]

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

The wealthy husband decided to dump his wife of 30 yrs., and
asked for a divorce.  Furthermore, she was to move out right
away in exchange for a hefty settlement.

She agreed, as there had been no love lost between them for
quite a number of years, while he continually played around
with anything which wore skirts, and their only daughter was
married and living several states away.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases.  On the second day, she had the movers
come and collect her things.  On the third day, she sat down
for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by
candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on
a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar,
into the hollow of the curtain rods.  She then cleaned up the
kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was
bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to
smell.  They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing
the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets
were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during
which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they
even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.  Repairmen
refused to work in the house.  The maid quit.  Finally, they
could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half,
they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.  Word got
out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.  Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money
from the bank to purchase a new place.  The ex-wife called the
man and asked how things were going.  He told her the saga of
the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home
terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement
in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he
agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had
been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very
day.  She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the
paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as
they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their
new home.  Including the curtain rods.

MORAL:  Don't underestimate the power of a Wronged Wife!

~submitted by my sister in Arizona

=============================================
The "I Don't Really Feel This Way" Section:
=============================================

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are
thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100
grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first
year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the
second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his
wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or
the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall
asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows
only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After
that, he is finished.

~submitted by Wanda D.

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced
altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I
would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and
41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist....

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've
not been much help at all. If anything, y ou've delayed my
trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."...

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to
a large quantity of hot air.  You made a promise, which you've
no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to
solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my
fault."

~submitted by Tammy M.

====================
Bonus Joke Section
====================

I just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to
build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.  It seems so
easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends.

The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side.  With a 5-lb. potato sack in each
hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold
them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then
relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just
a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.  Then
50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of
the sacks; but be careful.

~submitted by my dad.

******************************************************************
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I had a rare day off during the week. I got to see the kids
at their swimming lessons too. After lessons, we were going to the
park and somehow at home, son #4 `lost' his suit (on the floor of
course). In typical 3-year-old voice I said, "Hurry up and get
your `wimm'n suit on." My sweet wife looked at me and laughed. She
said, "Do you remember the time when son #1 was son #4's age. We
were going to swimming lessons and son #1 came out, buck naked,
yelling `wimm'n wimm'n! (women)"

Yeah, I remember that. I think that was last week. Time sure
flies!

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section

Sorry to hear about your computer crash. Ours just got hit by
lightening. Melted all the internal components, plus took out our
$80 power strip with power backup AND an additional surge
suppressor. (Had to buy a new fridge a few weeks later, too. And
ours was only 4 years old. Not sure if the two things are related
or if technology is just out to get us!) Yikes. Now we unplug our
computer from the wall whenever storms pass through. Recommend
that other computer owners do so, too. We learned that not doing
so can be an expensive mistake.
~Kathy A

[ouch!]

_________________________________________________________
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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a
chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just
stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at
each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer
suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to
trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer,
not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is
becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the
Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with
a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get
back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
~Jason in Denver


<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>


My 5-year-old nephew, Felix, wanted to caddy for my brother's golf
game. "You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How
much is six plus nine plus eight?" "Five." answered Felix. "Okay,"
my brother said, "let's go."

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent
piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On
one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other
side, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the
same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you
can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."

******************************************************************
Welcome to: Marty's Place

(Formerly Marty's Joke of the Day)

If you'd like to receive daily emails from us,
send a blank email to martysplace-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or
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******************************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple of administrative items. I've changed the name of the
group back from martysplace to martysjotd. Just got too confusing.
If you have questions let me know.

Next. Oh Shoot! I had a hard drive crash on the ol' PC this
weekend. I got it to boot once, so I shut it down and ordered some
backup hardware. Hopefully, she's got one last boot up in her to
back things up. Thank goodness for laptops, so I can do some word
processing and JOTD issues. Anyway, if this issue looks a little
weird, or not formatted the same, so be it.

And, because of the Hard Drive problem, I bagged yesterday's
issue. You'll have to ask Justin why he skipped Friday. [but don't
give me a hard time for missing the Friday before! (grin)]

And, now back to why you read this newsletter...

We have netflix, the internet video rental service. The other day
we rented the newest Peter Pan movie (2003). Son #4 loved it! He
watched it for days. (He called it Peter Man...)

Well, we finally were able to slip it past him and mail it back
last week. (I think he was asleep or something.) Then we decided
to rent the original cartoon version (1953) and let him see that
one.

When it came in the mail, he looked at the DVD and said, "Yeah! Peter
Man, the REAL one!"


Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty
=-=-=
Reader Comment Section

You requested some Scout stories. Here's a few of my "it really
happened" gems.

At Treasure Mountain Camp, Wyoming west of the Grand Tetons, a
scout was dutifully washing his folding camp chair with hardy soap
and water. The Scoutmaster was impressed that he was so
conscientious about keeping clean. When the leader inquired the
scout explained sheepishly that the previous night when he needed
to relieve himself in the middle of the night he took a "short
walk." Well his short walk was too short and he peed right on his
own chair outside of his tent.

At Camp Evergreen, Utah, the mosquitoes can get pretty aggressive.
The trading post sold mosquito netting that you could wear with a
baseball cap to keep the bugs off your face and neck. One scout
shared this tidbit of wisdom: Never spit while wearing mosquito
netting! It gets pretty messy.

~David C.
~Scoutmaster

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

[And what stupid things to people do in your city?]

Man Critically Injured in Firework Mishap

...Weber was in the car with 24-year-old Jared Williams. Officers
say they set off an illegal firework while they were driving.
Sgt. John Barker: "They lit a large mortar rocket firework, `[They
were] gonna throw it out the window. The passenger threw it out
the window, but he forgot to roll the window down. It bounced back
in his lap."  Scott Freitag, Salt Lake City Fire Department
"Certainly not rolling your window down makes it stupid and
illegal. So both of those put together is always a dangerous and
maybe even deadly situation."...

From the Salt Lake Tribune 7-15-2004
Read the whole story at
http://tv.ksl.com/index.php?sid=106606&nid=5

<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the
doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great,
aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get
a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, "I didn't say
that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
~Doug L.

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner
one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every
request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married almost 70
years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the
wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host,
"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head.
"I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about
10 years ago.
~Doug L.

******************************************************************
Welcome to:                 Marty's Place

                   (Formerly Marty's Joke of the Day)

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, July 15, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think that as parents, my sweet wife might be getting a little
too predicable. At least to son #4. When he was ~really~ little
(like he's not now...) I used to talk to him on the phone from
work while he babbled away. I didn't understand a word that he
said, and I doubt he knew what I was saying.

Over the last 6 months or so, he seems to have gained attachment
to me. I always leave for work before the kids are up, so I don't
get to see them in the morning. When I call home from work, son #4
used to get on the phone and say, "Daddy, come home now." It was
cute, but after a while it got annoying. When I'd call home, my
sweet wife would pick up, and then son #4 would always pick up
another extension a few seconds later. He'd get on, listen for a
second, and then start talking. He'd always end up by saying,
"Daddy come home now, bye".

My sweet wife would always say, "Hang up the phone son #4". And he
usually did. But when he didn't, my sweet wife would have to catch
him, and let him know that he wasn't supposed to be on the phone.
I think he even got a swat once or twice too.

Anyway, now he's become `stealth-man' on the phone. My usual phone
call today went something like this:

Ring... Ring...

Sweet wife: "Hello?"
Me: "Hi Hon, what's up?"
Sweet wife: "Oh, nothi..."
~phone extension pick up~
Son #4 "COME HOME NOW DADDY, BYE!"
~click~

No time to tell him to get off, no running after him, he does his
duty and runs.

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

p.s.

[Noticed this running on the nets today. Get busy and roll up your
sleeves!]

The Red Cross Encourages Eligible Donors to Help Assure an
Adequate Blood Supply for Friends and Family Across the Nation

The national headquarters of the American Red Cross Blood Services
has issued a nation-wide appeal for blood donations. In some parts
of the country, the Red Cross blood inventory currently stands at
less than one day, when a three-day supply is the minimum desired
level for emergency preparedness.

[Marty]

_________________________________________________________
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Jill and John were invited to join friends at a quaint inn over an
hour's drive away. Then Jill remembered that the last time she'd
eaten there, her entree was tasteless, unevenly heated, and not
well presented. It was far from being a great dining experience.
When she explained why she didn't want to go, John was supportive.
"You're right Jill, if we want a lousy meal, we don't have to
drive so far," he said. "We can just stay here and you can
cook."

<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>


Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things
you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the
bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in
your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
~Submitted by Mark Twain himself

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time
in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button,
and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at
the ATM."

******************************************************************
Welcome to:                 Marty's Place

                   (Formerly Marty's Joke of the Day)

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******************************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today after their normal swimming lessons, sons #2 and #3 wanted
to go swimming. (Son #1 is being stubborn about cleaning his room,
so he didn't get to go).

My sweet wife, wanting to make sure her boys were protected, made
sure they had plenty of sunscreen. She put a bunch in son #3's
hands and said, put this all over your face. Don't miss any parts!
Then she turned around to put some sunscreen on son #2's back.
When she turned back around to son #3, he had sunscreen on his
fingers, and his fingers were up his nose.

She said, "Not there!"

I guess you can never tell where you need sunscreen.

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is
standing there. St. Peter starts his interview with the man when
he disappears. A short time later there's another knock. St.
Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and
the man disappears again.

"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls
after him.

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously.

"They're trying to resuscitate me."

<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>

Looking for that perfect, personal gift for a birthday, wedding,
or anniversary?

How about a personalized hand painted ceramic tile!
Great for a kitchen table or counter trivet or wall hanging!

Your specifications, only $15!

http://www.designsbymelody.com


<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>

As part of the admission procedure in the Hospital where I work, I
ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I
print it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists. Once
when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said
she couldn't eat bananas. Imagine my surprise when several hours
later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station demanding,
"Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas'?"

_________________________________________________________
¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled
against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and
his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from
home!'.

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What
if you get hungry?', he said.

'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child.

'And what if you run out of money?'.

'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get
dirty?'.

'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them., was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running
away from home; he's going off to college!'.

******************************************************************
Welcome to:                 Marty's Place

                   (Formerly Marty's Joke of the Day)

If you'd like to receive daily emails from us,
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******************************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night for family night, we went to see Ella Enchanted. A
little corny, but everyone seemed to like it. Especially son #1.
When we got out of the theater, I teased him how cute Anne
Hathaway was (Who, BTW, has the same name as William Shakespeare's
wife.) I told him that she was just about the same age as his camp
directory that he was flirting with last week. He said, "No Way!
She doesn't look any older than 16 either!"

Look out world, my boy is growing up!

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section


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Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the
beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that
should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes
passed... and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said,
"Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"

He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying,
but it's so hard to quit.

<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>

The passenger noticed by the license that his cab driver's name
was "Winston Churchill." Trying to make conversation, he said, "I
see your name is Winston Churchill."

The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my moniker."

The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter said,
"That's a pretty famous name."

The driver responded with: "As well it should be too. I've been
driving a cab here for over forty years."

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I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the temple,
my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara,
remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He
was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my
grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I
said. "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic
circumstances."

The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation
before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my
mother.

"Imagine," she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the
rabbi who performed your wedding!"

******************************************************************
Welcome to:                 Marty's Place

                   (Formerly Marty's Joke of the Day)

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******************************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, July 12, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My boys certainly grow up too fast. I left Boy Scout camp on
Wednesday night, and a couple of other leaders came up for the
rest of the week. When they got back, some of the leaders had
stories to tell. Justin's dad said, "I tried to remember some
stories for the Joke of the day, but I forgot some. But here's one
I remember."

Apparently, after a late night of camp life, the leaders weren't
able to get some of the boys out of bed the next morning. Justin's
dad went around the tents and said, "The last two boys out of bed
get to clean the latrine today." I think son #1 has had plenty of
practice doing that at home. He said something like, "I don't
care, I'll take latrine duty."

Another leader told me he was flirting with the 22-year-old female
camp director. He said something about that she looked very young
for her age...

Hmm...

I'm glad for the "father's interview" I had with each boy
yesterday. I think I set him straight, again...

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section

Nope, nada, zilch
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A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul
arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around
these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in
the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and
standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening
attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the
good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the
people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster
and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very
friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They
are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time
to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven
where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and
singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24
hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would
never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think
I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the
middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees
all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on
his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar
and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...Today you voted for us!"

VOTE WISELY THIS COMING ELECTION!!


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Our minister announced that admission to a church social event
would be six dollars per person.

"However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only
$5.50."

From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do
you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty
cents?"

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On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took
a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy
highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I
asked again for a more detailed description beyond a "blue, four-
door sedan."

"It's the one on fire," he replied.

******************************************************************
Welcome to:                 Marty's Place

                   (Formerly Marty's Joke of the Day)

If you'd like to receive daily emails from us,
send a blank email to martysplace-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or
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******************************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, July 08, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, I'm back! Thank you Justin for filling in the last 3 days.
It's so nice to have a backup...

Early Monday morning, son #1 and I left for Scout camp. The 3 days
I was there everyone had a great time. Son #1 signed up for 6
or 7 merit badges, and even started working on a few extras. He
might even make it to be a Life Scout by this fall.

Since this was the 2nd year that most of us were at camp, we kind
of knew the ropes. We had all of the boys wear their uniforms,
(button and tucked!) and we looked really smart when standing at
the flag raising ceremony on Tuesday morning. With our troop yell,
and everyone in sharp uniforms, we won the daily spirit award.

This year the spirit award was a nickel-plated tomahawk with a
cool wooden handle. After we won, they told us to decorate 25% of
it how we wanted. The next day it was to be passed on to another
`spirited' troop, and so on. The best troop gets to take it home
at the end of the week. Keep your fingers crossed!

Anyway, it's getting late, and I'm still recovering from that 4AM
early morning excursion looking at the big dipper for the
astronomy merit badge.

But, it's good to be back...
Loads of `little' jokes today
Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

p.s. the time-scout works wonders! Son #2 cleaned his room, used
his time, and asked for more chores. What do those master card
commercials say... "Priceless..."

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section

[Today's question: What's your funniest summer camp story?]


[Last week's question: What's the strangest thing you did that
cured your hiccups?]

Marty,
I have to agree with the cure of drinking from the far side of a
glass, my parents taught it to me at a younger age, and it still
works. However, it can be a little embarrassing in public, so at
that time, I'll just grab a spoon full of sugar and swallow it.
That also works.
Jen B.

[I try to tell my sweet wife I had hiccups when she catches me
eating sugar. She never believes me!]

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I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All I have to do
is mention it to my husband and he says, "Let's eat out!"

----

"I've been studying up on some of my Las Vegas facts - did you
know, on the average, 151 people get married every day in Las
Vegas. One hundred and fifty-one. You know, shouldn't that be an
even number? Maybe I'm wrong."
~Jay Leno


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A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"
"Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Oh thank goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my
finger to the phone."

---

"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer.
"You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only
wish you pulled the plow a little faster."
"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."

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President Bush was in South Dakota recently. There was an awkward
moment at Mount Rushmore when President Bush said, "Hey, look,
it's those guys on the money!"
~Conan O'brien

---

"I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as
my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use
my telephone"
~Bjarne Stronstrup (originator of C++ programming language)

---

A young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop
at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road. After seeing
the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled
the snakes.

"Gosh!" exclaimed the young woman. "You certainly have a dangerous
job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

"Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.

"Well," she continued, "what do you do when you're bitten by a
snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the
poison from the wound."

"What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a
rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
who my real friends are."

******************************************************************
                       Welcome to: Marty's Place

                   (Formerly Marty's Joke of the Day)

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******************************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, July 7, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome to another Friday's edition of Marty's Place!
I'm Justin, the Friday Fill-in-Joke Master -- Marty takes Fridays
off to spend time with his boys.  Let us know what you think.
To contact Marty, reply to this email
To contact me email martysneighbor@...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are a few little "shorts" about my 2-year old nephew in
Arizona.

He's very polite.  If he accidently bumps into someone, or needs
to get by someone, he says, "Scuse you!"

The other day, my sister said to him, "You're getting so big!"
and he replied, "Mom, you too!"  She really appreciated that.

Finally, My sister is not exactly sure what he's praying for,
but every time they say their family prayers, he ends by saying
"Carwash, amen."  Whether it's his turn to say the prayer or
not.  We don't know if he's blessing the carwash because he's
afraid of it, or what.

Enjoy the jokes!
Justin

=-=-=-
Reader Comment section:
None!

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Random Trivia Section:

Buzz Aldrin's mother's maiden name was Moon.

There are more than 1000 chemicals in every cup of coffee.

The average person accidentally eats 430 bugs each year of their
life.

In 1973 Bhutan issued a stamp that looked like a record. Put it
on a record player and it would actually play the Bhutanese
national anthem!

Without its lining of mucus your stomach would digest itself.

On the day that Alexander Graham Bell was buried the entire U.S.
telephone system was shut down for 1 minute in tribute.

Wounds infested with maggots heal quickly and without spread of
gangrene or other infection.

The fastest speed a falling raindrop can hit you is 18mph.

Inbreeding causes 3 out of every 10 Dalmation dogs to suffer
from hearing disability.

Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue
living.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

In the U.S. in 1998, hens produced 6,657,000,000 dozen eggs.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in
the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
--Frank Sinatra

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
pizza."
--Dave Barry

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend
time with his fools."
--Ernest Hemingway

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
--Henny Youngman

As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at
Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm.  Here's how it went:  "Well ya see, Norm, it's
like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the
slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving
by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the
same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of
beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a
faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel
smarter after a few beers."

~submitted by Mary Jo P.

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Food Spoilage Guidelines

THE GAG TEST
Generally, anything that makes you gag is spoiled. (Exception:
anything containing beets.)

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg
is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is
spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage
cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get
any more spoiled than it is already.

MAYONNAISE
If it looks like chicken grease, the mayonnaise may be spoiled.

CHICKEN GREASE
If it looks like mayonnaise, it may be spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that break a kitchen knife when you try to pry
them out of the freezer compartment will probably be spoiled.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat
is spoiled.

LETTUCE
Lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
basketball should be disposed of.  Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch is not fresh.

WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the
floor, it has gone bad.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

~Submitted by Brad W.

******************************************************************
                       Welcome to: Marty's Place

                   (Formerly Marty's Joke of the Day)

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, July 6, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome to another Friday's edition of Marty's Place!
I'm Justin, the Friday Fill-in-Joke Master -- Marty takes Fridays
off to spend time with his boys.  Let us know what you think.
To contact Marty, reply to this email
To contact me email martysneighbor@...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever played the computer game The Sims?  It's this
somewhat addictive game where you create people and pretty much
run their lives.  My sister in Arizona thinks her 8-year old has
been playing The Sims a little too much lately.  The other day he
told her that his "hunger meter" is full.  Then he told her that
this was the first time in his life that he's actually been full.
I guess they've been starving the poor kid for the past eight
years.

Then he told her later after playing the game some more, that he
figured out what to do if you're going to get fired from your job
because you've missed too many days of work.  He told  her that
you just move in with your mom and then you don't need as much
money.

I think my brother-in-law's oldest brother is playing The Sims
in real life.  He's 38 and just moved back in with his parents
again.

Enjoy the jokes!
Justin

=-=-=-
Reader Comment section:
Nope!

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"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection
for John Kerry. You can understand why--with two positions on
every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him."
-Jay Leno

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential
election really offers us a choice of two well-informed
opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to
John Kerry, but they're still there."
-Jay Leno

"Well, the good news for Democrats, now over half the country
can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the
majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."'
-Jay Leno

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Judicial Section

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for
driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four
frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be
counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to
qualify.

---

The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook.
The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called,
"Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the
courtroom.

---

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic
violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the
bench.

"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear
before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at
that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light'
five hundred times."

---

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too
far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was
convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced
the sentence to 1,001 years.

~submitted by Lamonte H.

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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre
Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell
ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews
personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening
process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills,
he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached
him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell
ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"  and he began striking
the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the
carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally
found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless
man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to
his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the
street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn
by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them
asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his
face sure rings a bell."

~submitted by Wanda D.

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When Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was
quite impressed with their rockets.  Now, these weren't quite the
fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode
and make some pretty patterns.

Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made
fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate
them for him.

"Not here!" they said. ...very confusing.

Until ol' Marco came upon an ancient military fortification at
the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every
night, and Marco was very impressed!

But still he wondered, "Why here?"

At the end of every week, people came from great distances,
bringing their own fireworks to launch.  So Marco Polo asked his
guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, we always set off
fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai."

******************************************************************
                       Welcome to: Marty's Place

                   (Formerly Marty's Joke of the Day)

If you'd like to receive daily emails from us,
send a blank email to martysplace-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or
visit us at http://www.yahoogroups.com/group/martysplace

******************************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, July 5, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome to another Friday's edition of Marty's Place!
I'm Justin, the Friday Fill-in-Joke Master -- Marty takes Fridays
off to spend time with his boys.  Let us know what you think.
To contact Marty, reply to this email
To contact me email martysneighbor@...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Favorite Sister in Arizona had a repairman in to fix the A/C
the other day, and of course the boys ran upstairs so he wouldn't
see them.  The whole time the repairman was there, my sister was
amazed at how quiet they were.  She thought, "Wow, they're playing
really well up there."

After the guy left she went up to the playroom and discovered that
the two-year old had got 7 or 8 games out and emptied them and all
their million pieces into one big pile.  She asked him why he did
that and he grinned big said, "Make you happy!"

She told him that didn't make her happy because now she had to
clean them all up.  He told her he'd help.  So he picked up one
game piece and said, "Hmmmm.....where this goes?"  then shrugged
his shoulders and said, "I dunno!" and dropped it.  He did that
a couple more times before saying, "Mom, I'll watch you.  You
doing good."

When my sister asked the eight-year old why he didn't stop his
little brother from emptying all the games, he just turned
around from his computer and said, "Huh?  What games?"

How nice to have such helpful kids!

Enjoy the jokes!
Justin

=-=-=-
Reader Comment section:

None today.
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True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the
nerve to ask her, "Are you still cleaning house or are you going
out for a ride?"

~submitted by my wife

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Stupid Criminals Section

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the
customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official
thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was.
The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing.
He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics were found
in the golf bag.

---

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights
for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who
wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years
in jail.

---

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in
damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For
payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his
prison term back, plus eight more years.

~submitted by Lamonte H.

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A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.  When
they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well,"
said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon
as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language --
things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter
words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay
with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could
be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm
so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell
your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words
like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother

~submitted by Kathy W.

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Maria:  I fell off a twenty-foot extension ladder today.
Sue:  Oh my goodness! It's a miracle you weren't killed!
Maria:  Well, I only fell off the first rung.

~submitted by Brad W.

******************************************************************
                         Welcome to: Marty's Place

                     (Formerly Marty's Joke of the Day)

If you'd like to receive daily emails from us,
send a blank email to martysplace-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or
visit us at http://www.yahoogroups.com/group/martysplace

******************************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday, July 02, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Son #1 and I are heading to Boy Scout camp next week. So Justin and I
are swapping schedules around a little bit. I'll be doing the JOTD
today, and then next Thursday and Friday. He'll be doing the JOTD the
first part of next week.

And... since you guys are used to getting the JOTD a little earlier
on Friday's, I figured I'd better create an issue at work and send it
out earlier than I normally do. Besides, with the 4th of July holiday
weekend approaching, it's really slow at work today...

My sweet wife teaches the nursery age kids at church. (Can't you just
see her personality with the little kids? A Sunday schoolteacher who
is kind, gentle, long suffering... If I were in there, I'd tie the
little snots up and make them sit in the corner!) Anyway, son #4 is
in her class and loves it. Last week she was teaching them about
babies. When we met at the nursery after church to go home, he was
sitting there with a baby doll in his arms, sucking his thumb. Not
that unusual, but when I said, "Ok bud, time to go home." He looked
at me with his thumb still in his mouth and said, "Uh ah". My sweet
wife said, "Ever since we brought out the dolls, he's latched on to
this one and won't let it go." We tried to take the doll away, but he
wouldn't let go. All of his brothers tried to coax the doll from him.
He just screamed.

Well, we bought a new car a few months ago, and the boys love to ride
in it. So, I finally said, "Ok, who wants to ride home in the new
car?" The 3 older boys yelled "I do I do" and ran towards the door.
Son #4 stood up, looked at my sweet wife, flung the baby doll across
the room and slammed it into the wall. He ran to the door yelling,
"Me too, Me too!"

I'm sure he'll mature a little more before he has kids of his own!

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section

My favorite cure for hiccups is a spoonful of brown sugar.  Just suck
on it and they go away!!  My 5 year old daughter loves this cure and
calls it Hiccup Powder!  Mollasses works also but the taste can be a
bit much.
Shay

[Hmm... I could see my boys faking hiccups just to get the cure!]

Hi, Marty,
The family hiccup cure was to take a glass of water, take a sip,
raise the glass high, and look up at it, then swallow.  Seemed to
work much of the time; it's probably a variation of your method.
When I was in 7th grade, we had a literature book that included a
little bit of everything, including a couple of humorous pieces by
Robert Benchley.  One of them was a hilarious description of hiccup
cures, of which I remember a few.  For example, stuff your head into
a paper bag and breathe.  Another was to stick your head in a pail of
water and inhale (I think that would distract folks from the hiccups
as they try not to drown!).  Benchley's favorite was to roll
(somersault) down a long, inclined hill, snatching up a mouthful of
grass every time the face was turned upward!
Marianne R.

[Stick your head in a pail of water and inhale, hmm... I'll have to
try that one. NOT!]

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The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the
work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man
a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take
the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking
the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you
forget something?" "Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to
take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."


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"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the
young man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond,
Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me
Bubba."

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Nearing the parish church during his daily walk, a young man saw that
a shrubbery was on fire.  He banged on the rectory door and told the
woman who opened it she'd better call the fire department.

She ran to the phone to place the call. She identified her-self, gave
the location, and explained the situation.

"You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, "that there's a
burning bush on the church lawn, and you want us to put it out?!?"

******************************************************************
Welcome to:                 Marty's Place

                   (Formerly Marty's Joke of the Day)

If you'd like to receive daily emails from us,
send a blank email to martysplace-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or
visit us at http://www.yahoogroups.com/group/martysplace

******************************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, July 1, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last week son #4 had a case of the hiccups. He came to me one night
and said, "Daddy hiccups. Fix." I picked him up and while he was in
my arms, I said, "The best way to fix hiccups is to be scared. Do
you want to be scared?" He smiled and enthusiastically said, "Yes!"
So I walked along looking at something else, pretending not to
notice his. After about four or five steps, I yelled as loud as I
could, and dropped him, but caught him before he hit the floor. His
eyes got really big, he stared at me for a second, and
said, "Hiccup".

I asked him if he wanted me to try to get rid of them again, and he
said "Yes, no scare daddy."

So, I taught him to drink from the far side of a glass, while
bending forward. It always works for me. It worked for him too. He
was really amazed.

Then, late last week, he called me at work. "Daddy, hiccups. Come
home now."

I almost did...

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section

[What's the strangest thing you did that cured your hiccups?]

[RE:] Can't buy it in my town.....
Hash-A-Plenty and iced tea at the Beacon Drive In, Spartanburg,
SC. When we were first married (over 30 yrs ago) we lived just
outside of Spartanburg, SC for 5 yrs. and I really miss going to
the Beacon Drive-In. Back then it was a real big treat to get to
eat out as we were just starting out and  short on cash. We could
order one hash-a-plenty, share it, and be full when we left. Not
only is the sandwich piled high with meat on a big bun but the a-
plenty is big french fries and onion rings made from Vandalia
onions piled on top with so much that you can't find your sandwich
till you eat at least half. The tea is out of this world and I
understand now that they are marketing it. We took a little
vacation last summer and made sure that we stayed overnight in
Spartanburg so we could eat there for lunch. I don't know why but
they gave us a whole lemon pie free. Maybe it was because my
husband talked to J.C. (the guy that calls out your orders)
telling him how we used to come there 25 yrs ago and he was there
then. If you check out the web site you will see a picture of him
with President Bush, then Governor Bush.
http://www.beacondrivein.com Now I really am missing that meal!!!!
Brenda A.
Henry, TN.

My favorite "you can't buy it in my town" food is called poutine.
I think it's only available in Quebec. It might be available in
other parts of Canada, but I've only seen it in Quebec. It's a
deliciously unhealthy dish of french fries sprinkled with white
cheese curds and topped with brown poutine gravy. A big plate of
poutine with a tall glass of spruce beer is enough to send you to
your grave, but you'll enjoy the trip!
Justin H. (our fill in Friday guy...)

[What is poutine gravy, and what is spruce beer? Interesting. We
had one Chicago dog left over from last night. I had it at lunch
today. Nummy!]

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A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him
one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him
at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the
driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away
and try the same thing. As he was driving back into his driveway,
there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther
away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he
decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past
the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he
reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he
left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you
ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that lousy cat on the
phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

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Looking for that perfect, personal gift for a birthday, wedding,
or anniversary?

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Great for a kitchen table or counter trivet or wall hanging!

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<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery,
and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.
She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind
of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie,
"that's awfully costly for knocking someone out." "Not at all,"
replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is
for bringing you back around."

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Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally
decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move
to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who
enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues
of every apartment they looked at. "And this one, what a steal,"
he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years
it's gonna be worth three times..." "Sonny," interrupted Mrs.
Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."

Enter your vote today!  A new poll has been created for the
martysjotd group:

It seems that 'Speedy' our turtle is
getting a tank mate. My four sons have
agreed to let you name our second
turtle. Please choose the best name.
(Please do NOT reply to this email
with your vote, follow the
instructions in this email)

   o Gonzales
   o Shelly
   o Michelle (Me-Shell)
   o Flash
   o Zippy


To vote, please visit the following web page:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/martysjotd/surveys?id=928620

Note: Please do not reply to this message. Poll votes are
not collected via email. To vote, you must go to the Yahoo! Groups
web site listed above.

Thanks!

With all the 'funny' Easter Cards going around, I thought I'd
send you one with a little more meaning with it.

Have a Great Easter Weekend

Marty

To view the card, click the following link:

http://www.lds.org/egreetings/display/0,7640,558-56811-26358,00.html
or
<a
href="http://www.lds.org/egreetings/display/0,7640,558-56811-26358,00.
html">Link</a>

Enter your vote today!  Check out the new poll for the martysjotd
group:


As you may know, we have recently
changed our list from 1 or 2 jokes a
day, to 3 jokes a day.  I have heard
from 3 or 4 of you that this may be too
many jokes.  I would like to poll all of
the members to see what you think.

Would you like to keep the existing
format, or would you like to change
Marty's Joke of the day to just 2 jokes
a day?

   o Keep Marty's JOTD at 3 jokes a day
   o Change Marty's JOTD to 2 jokes a day


To vote, please visit the following web page:

http://www.egroups.com/polls/martysjotd

Note: Please do not reply to this message. Poll votes are
not collected via email. To vote, you must go to the eGroups
web site listed above.

Thanks!