Welcome to Jewish Joke du Jour!

Aug 2, 2007              Volume 92, Issue 782


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Question of the Week"
o "Rabbi's Answer: "

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I don't subscribe to the Orthodoxy but this joke
is just perfect, isn't it?

LadyHawke
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"Question of the Week"

Dear Rabbi,

Why does the Jewish religion seem to obsess over
insignificant details? How much matza do we have
to eat, which spoon did I use for milk and which for
meat, what is the right way to tie my shoelaces? It
seems to me that this misses the bigger picture by
focusing on minutiae. Is this nitpicking what Jews
all spirituality?

(I actually already sent you this question over a week
ago and didn't receive a reply. Could it be that you have
finally been asked a question that you can't answer?!)

Rob

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"Rabbi's Answer: "

Dear Rob,

I never claimed to have all the answers. There are many
questions that are beyond me. But it happens to be that
I did answer your question, and you did get the answer.
I sent a reply immediately. The fact that you didn't receive
it is itself the answer to your question.

You see, I sent you a reply, but I wrote your email address
leaving out the "dot" before the "com". I figured that you
should still receive the email, because after all, it is only
one little dot missing. I mean come on, it's not as if I wrote
the wrong name or something drastic like that! Would
anyone be so nitpicky as to differentiate between "yahoocom"
and " yahoo.com"? Isn't it a bit ridiculous that you didn't get
my email just because of a little dot?

No, it's not ridiculous. Because the dot is not just a dot. It
represents something. That dot has meaning far beyond
the pixels on the screen that form it. To me it may seem
insignificant, but that is simply due to my ignorance of the
ways of the web. All I know is that with the dot, the message
gets to the right destination; without it, the message is lost
to oblivion.

Jewish practices have infinite depth. Each nuance and detail
contains a world of symbolism. And every dot counts. When
they are performed with precision, a spiritual vibration is
emailed throughout the universe, all the way to G~d's inbox.

If you want to understand the symbolism of the dot, study I.T.
If you want to understand the symbolism of Judaism, study it.

All the best,

Rabbi


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Aug 7, 2007              Volume 92, Issue 757


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "What Your Jewish Mother Told You"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

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Funny, I never say those things.... except the
one about needing therapy...

LadyHawke
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"What Your Jewish Mother Told You"

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

If you don't eat, it will kill me.

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off
is a mitzvah.

Wine needs to breathe so don't rush through
the kiddish.

Never pay retail.

No one leaves a simcha hungry; but then no one
leaves with a hangover.

And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand
times.

Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how
about a nice cruise?

A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"A bird that you set free may be caught again,
but a word that escapes your lips will not return."
-- Jewish Proverb

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Aug 9, 2007              Volume 92, Issue 784


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "To Congratulate of Not"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

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Yet in Miami Beach, there would be a line
to be Mrs Goldstein #4...

LadyHawke
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"To Congratulate of Not"

Goldstein comes to the head of the burial society.
He needs a loan to pay for the funeral of his wife,
who has just died.

"But we gave you money to bury your wife just three
years ago!" the head of the burial society tells him.

"Yes," says Goldstein, "But I remarried."

"Ohhh," says the burial director.  "Mazal Tov!"


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"Intolerance lies at the core of evil.
Not the intolerance that results
from any threat or danger.
But intolerance of another being who dares to exist.
Intolerance without cause. It is so deep within us,
because every human being secretly desires
the entire universe to himself.
Our only way out is to learn
compassion without cause. To care for each other
simple because that 'other' exists."
-- Rabbi Menachem Mendle

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Welcome to Jewish Joke du Jour!


Aug 14, 2007              Volume 92, Issue 785


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Weak Chin"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

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...how to recover from tight spots...

LadyHawke
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"Weak Chin"

Sadie and Esther are sitting on the porch of their
Miami Beach hotel.

"Oh my G~d," cries Sadie. "Look at that poor boy!
Such a weak chin.  His mouth is crooked. And look,
his eyes are crossed."

"That boy," says Esther, "happens to be my son."

"Oh," replies Sadie. "On him it's very becoming."


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"A bird that you set free may be caught again,
but a word that escapes your lips will not return."
-- Jewish Proverb


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Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
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Aug 16, 2007              Volume 92, Issue 784


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "The Pope & The Rabbi - Old Ritual"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

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I love those rabbi/Pope stories...

LadyHawke
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"The Pope & The Rabbi - Old Ritual"

Every time a new pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals and
ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with
tradition. Well, there's one tradition that very few people know
about.

Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks
an audience.

He is shown into the pope's presence, whereupon he presents
him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the
cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.

The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture
of rejection.

The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him
and does not return until the next pope is elected.

John XXIII was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were
unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the
Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing.

When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his
   presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the
chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the pope whispered, "I must confess that we
Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted
for centuries between us and you, the representative of the
Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The chief rabbi shrugs and replies, "But we have no more
idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the
traditions of ancient history."

The pope said, "Let us retire to my private chambers and
enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement,
we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret."

The chief rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open
the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers,
the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet
of similarly ancient paper.

As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.

They both gasped with shock...

It was the bill for The Last Supper!


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"Intelligent people know of what they speak;
fools speak of what they know."
-- Minchas Shabbos Pirkei Avos 3:18 / Ethics
Of The Fathers


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Welcome to Jewish Joke du Jour!


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Aug 21, 2007              Volume 92, Issue 787


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Son-In-Law"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

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It's all a matter of point...

LadyHawke
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"Son-In-Law"

Mr. Shwartz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be,
Sol.

He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So, tell me
Sol my boy what do you do?"

"I study the Torah," he replies.

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how
are you going to feed and house her?"

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says
G-d will provide."

"But you will have children, how will you educate
them?" asks Mr. Shwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says
G-d will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife,
anxiously asks what Sol is like.

"Well," says Mr.Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only
just met him and he already thinks I'm G-d."

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Jewish Quote du Jour

"Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never
allow himself."
-- Golda Meir

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Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
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Aug 23, 2007              Volume 92, Issue 788


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Work or Play?"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

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Sometimes, play can take a lot of work...
Wait...

LadyHawke
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"Work or Play?"

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is
a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion
on this question.

After consulting the bible, the Priest says,
"My son, after an exhaustive search, I am
positive that sex is work and is therefore not
permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know
about sex?" So he goes to a Minister, who
after all is a married man and experienced
in this matter. He queries the Minister and
receives the same reply. Sex is work and
therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the
ultimate authority: a man of thousands of
years tradition and knowledge. In other words,
he goes to a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states,
"My son, sex is definitely  play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so
sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work...
...my wife would have the maid do it."


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"Among those who stand, do not sit; among those
who sit, do not stand. Among those who laugh,
do not weep; among those who weep, do not laugh."
-- Yiddish Proverb

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Aug 28, 2007              Volume 92, Issue 789


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "The Best Bar Mitzvah Invitation Ever"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

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Wait... I think I've been to this event...

LadyHawke
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"The Best Bar Mitzvah Invitation Ever"

It is with great stress, emotional
and physical fatigue

and incredible financial sacrifice beyond
comprehension,

that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son

Jacob Adam

is called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.

Saturday, May 12th -
(yes we realize it's Mother's Day Weekend)

   Temple Israel
   14 Coleytown Road
   Westport , Connecticut 06880
at the ungodly hour of 9 am

Even though you don't really need to be there
until 10:20am to catch the real action.

If you make it through the 3 hour service,
please skip the kiddush
(it's just cookies and cake)

and join us instead  for the ostentatious
evening meal (Kosher, my husband's idea),

which starts at 7 PM, (not 8 PM.. or you will
miss out on the 2000 canapes).

   Birchwood Country Club
    Westport , CT 06880
   (which we had to join just for this event
and you would not believe the initiation fees)

Please have the courtesy of showing up
if you RSVP that you are attending, or you
will be billed for $210.00 a plate if you are
a no-show.  Please RSVP as soon as you
get this and not the day before the cut-off date.
I can't take the stress.

The gift of choice is either green, or contains
a routing and account number.  "

Hope you can make it!   Lisa and David XXXX

Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond
Kippot and Matching Eye Patch will be provided

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Jewish Quote du Jour

Sometimes people who are Jewish are held to a
higher standard which sometimes we take great
pride in."
-- Gary Ackerman

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
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Welcome to Jewish Joke du Jour!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aug 30, 2007              Volume 92, Issue 790


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "The Blessings"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A blessing is a blessing...

LadyHawke
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"The Blessings"

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of
worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.

On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the
pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.

"What are you doing?" the priest asks.

The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the
Lord's service."

"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running
into his church.

He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water
out of it onto the car.

The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.

"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.

"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's
tool shed.

He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the
tailpipe.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jewish Quote du Jour

"It's not how much or how little you have that makes
you great or small, but how much or how little you are
with what you have."
-- Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch
(Horeb, vol. 1, pg 46)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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Sep 4, 2007              Volume 93, Issue 791


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "The Fish Want Flesh"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I can hear the collective 'oy' after this joke...

LadyHawke
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"The Fish Want Flesh"

Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times
and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided
to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no
luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him
that was scooping in one after another. He had to know
The Secret.  "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling
me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well,
I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human
tonsil works very well."

Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to
try next time, and left.

The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different
bait and still had no luck.  Just as the day before, there
was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish.

"Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait
that I could try?"

"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am
using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake
would require a little more effort than normal. He left,
willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual,
there was yet another man near him bringing in fish
left and right. Joe wanted to confirm what he already
knew.  "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi."


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"I don't want to become immortal through my work.
I want to become immortal through not dying."
-- Woody Allen

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
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Sep 6, 2007              Volume 93, Issue 792


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Man of the House"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Not all reading is beneficial to one's health...

LadyHawke
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"Man of the House"

The husband, having just finished reading the book
'Man of the House', strode into the kitchen and up
to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said: "From now on,
I want you to know that I am the man of this house,
and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished I
expect a sumptuous dessert.

Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my
bath so I can relax.  And when I'm finished with
my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair??"

His wife replied, "Hmmm... The Chevra Kadisha?" **

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

** "Chevra Kadisha" - an Aramaic expression, meaning
“the Holy Group,” and referring to the group of individuals,
generally volunteers, who take upon themselves the
task of preparing members of the community who
have passed away for burial, according to the Jewish
Traditions of respect and honor for the deceased.


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Jewish Quote du Jour

When his wife asked him to change clothes to
meet the German Ambassador: "If they want to
see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes,
open my closet and show them my suits."
-- Albert Einstein

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
All Rights reserved.
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Sep 10, 2007              Volume 93, Issue 793


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Holiday Clarification"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Is ignorance bliss?

LadyHawke
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"Holiday Clarification"

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate
that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.

The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the
holiday when you light eight candles?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "that's Hanukah."

The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that
when you eat those big crackers?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "that's Passover.
Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow
the shofar."

The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about
you Jews - you're so good to your help."


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"A mother understands what a child does not say."
-- Yiddish Proverb

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
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Sep 11, 2007              Volume 93, Issue 794


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Terrorists At The Shul"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

L'Shana Tova!

May you be inscribed in the book of Life for
a happy, healthy and sweet New Year!

LadyHawke
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"Terrorists At The Shul"

Just before Rosh HaShana, a team of terrorists
invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor
and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the
governor stands tough, he won't give them a
million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a Jumbo Jet.

The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner
and inform them that things look bad and they're
going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show
that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each
hostage one wish.

"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've
been working on my Rosh HaShana Sermon. What
a waste to die now without having carried it before an
audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon.
It's an hour - ninety minutes long tops." They promise
to grant him the wish.

"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally
gotten the 'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste
to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about
45 minutes long - then I'll go happily." The terrorists
promise to grant the cantor his wish too and then
turn to the shul president.

"Please," says the president with tears in his eyes,

"Shoot me first!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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Jewish Quote du Jour

"If a Jew doesn't make Kiddush (to sanctify himself
by maintaining a distinctly Jewish lifestyle), then the
non-Jew will make Havdalah for him (by making the
Jew realize he is truly different)."
-- R' Chaim of Volozhin

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
All Rights reserved.
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Sep 18, 2007              Volume 93, Issue 795


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Three Reform Rabbis"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have only one comment... "Oy!"

LadyHawke
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"Three Reform Rabbis"

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck.
None survived.

One minute they were driving along the highway,
talking and laughing and joking, and the next,
BOOM! they were before the Creator of all.

Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at
the three. "Reform I can understand. But where
will it end?  You! Goldblum!  The ashtrays in your
temple so My people could smoke while the Torah
was being read???"

Goldblum shuddered.

G-d went on.  "I can live with that.  Men are weak,
but the Word is strong!"

Goldblum sighed with relief.

"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to
eat, but really:  serving  Ham & Cheese Sandwiches
to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?"

Bauman hung his head in shame.

"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating
of that which is not  Kosher. I'm not pleased at all
with the playing fast and loose with my people, but
I can accept these indiscretions."

Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You,
Rabinowitz, have gone too far!  Am I asking too
much?  No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the
holiest days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur
by putting out a sign saying....

'Closed for the Holidays!'?!"


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"A pessimist, confronted with two bad choices,
chooses both."
-- Yiddish Proverb

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
All Rights reserved.
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Welcome to JJdJ!

Sep 19, 2007  Volume 93, Issue Special

My dear Friends and Subscribers!

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about a cool new product I just discovered..

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Sep 20, 2007              Volume 93, Issue 796


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "A Little White Sin"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When there is one, there is another.... and
another...

LadyHawke
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"A Little White Sin"

Motty goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a
sin and I want to know what I can do to repent."

"What was the sin?" the rabbi asked.

"It happened just once, "Motty assures him. "I
didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing
before eating bread."

"Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi
said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why
did you neglect to wash your hands and recite
the blessing?"

"I felt awkward Rabbi," said Motty. "You see, I was
in an non-kosher restaurant."

The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you
eating in an non-kosher restaurant?"

"I had no choice," Motty said. "All the kosher
restaurants were closed."

"And why were all the kosher restaurants
closed?" the rabbi asked.

Motty replied, "Well...   It was Yom Kippur."


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"If a Jew doesn't make Kiddush (to sanctify himself
by maintaining a distinctly Jewish lifestyle), then the
non-Jew will make Havdalah for him (by making the
Jew realize he is truly different)."
-- R' Chaim of Volozhin

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Welcome to Jewish Joke du Jour!

Sep 25, 2007              Volume 93, Issue 797


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Chutzpah"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Without Chutzpah, Jews wouldn't survive...

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"Chutzpah"

Bill Gates advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft
Europe. The 5000 candidates are assembled in a
large room. One of them is Moishe Cohen, a  Jewish
Parisian who was born in Tunisia.

Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks
all those who are not familiar with the JAVA program
language to leave. 2000 people rise and  eave the room.
Moishe Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this
language  but what have I got to lose if I stay ?
I'll give it a try."

Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience
of managing teams of more than 100 people to leave.
Another 2000 people go.  Moishe Cohen  says to himself,
"I have never managed anybody but myself but what have
   I got to lose if I stay ? What can happen to me?"

Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have
outstanding academic qualifications to rise and leave.
500 people remove themselves. Moishe Cohen says to
himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if
I stay?" So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not
speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave. 498
people rise and leave the room. Moishe Cohen says
himself, "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but  -have I got
anything to lose?"

He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone
else has gone. Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently
you are the only two candidates   who speak Serbo-Croatian.
I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-
Croatian."

Calmly Moishe Cohen  turns to the other candidate and
says to him: "Baroukh ata Adona¯."

The other candidate answers: "Elohaynou melekh ha'olam ..."


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"Do you know what it's like to preach to a white audience?
I invented a pill called 'Preach-agra.' It keeps the audience
erect during services."
-- Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, author of Kosher Sex,
to Al Sharpton

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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Welcome to Jewish Joke du Jour!

Sep 26, 2007              Volume 93, Issue 798


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "A Jew at Mass"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

May we all have Abe's hutzpah...

LadyHawke
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"A Jew at Mass"

Abe has a job that takes him everywhere and he
frequently has problems finding a synagogue in
some of the towns, so he figures G~d is everywhere
and so he decides to go into Church to worship.

He takes out the Tallis puts on his yarmulke and
dresses himself, and proceeds to pray.

The Priest comes in and wants to start the Services,
and having heard the whispers from some of his
congregants, he stands up and says,
"Will all non Catholics please leave."

Abe goes right on davening.

Next request, again, "Will all non Catholics please
leave."

Nobody moves. Nobody responds.

Finally, the Priest gets up and says, "Will ALL JEWS
please leave!"

At this Abe gets up folds his Tallis and packs it away,
takes off his yarmulke and puts it away.

Then he goes to the altar and picks up a statue of
the baby Jesus and says the immortal words:

"Come bubbela, they don't want us here anymore."


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"Death is merely moving from one home to another.
The wise man will spend his main efforts in trying
to make his future home the more beautiful one."
- Rabbi Menachem Mendel Morgenstern of
Tomashov (the Kotzker Rebbe)

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Welcome to Jewish Joke du Jour!

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Oct 2, 2007              Volume 94, Issue 799


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Gourmet Food"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

...Why Americans don't feel welcome in England...

LadyHawke
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"Gourmet Food"

A Jewish American in London stopped at a
gourmet shop:

"I want a pound of your lox, please."

"I'm sorry, sir, but here we call it 'smoked
salmon.'"

"OK, and I want a dozen of your blintzes."

"I'm sorry, sir, but here we call them 'crepes.'"

"And two pounds of your chopped liver."

"Sir, here it is called 'pâté'"

"OK then. a pound of your 'smoked salmon,'
a dozen of your 'crepes,'  and two pounds of
your 'pâté,' and I want them delivered to the
Regent Hotel Saturday morning."

"Sir, I'm sorry, but we don't shlep chazzerai on
Shabbos."**


** "Carry junk food on the sabbath" in Yiddish


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"This one book (the Bible) ... has attracted to it, and had
concentrated on it, vastly more thought and has called
forth more works, explanatory, illustrative, apologetic,
upon its text, its meaning, its geography, its theology,
its chronology, its evidences, its inspiration, its origin,
than all the rest of the literature of the world put together.
An immense bulk of the world's literature owes its origin
to this book."
- Carlyle B Heynes in The Bible, Is it a True Book

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Welcome to Jewish Joke du Jour!

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Oct 3, 2007              Volume 94, Issue 800


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Airplane Ride"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A deal is a deal...

LadyHawke
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"Airplane Ride"

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year
and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride
in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane
ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris
said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane
I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars,
and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you
a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge
you; but if you say one word it's going to cost you 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives,
but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again,
but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to
yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when
Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance
you must keep moving."
-- Albert Einstein

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Oct 9, 2007              Volume 94, Issue 801


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Chose a Bride"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Mother's intuition is never wrong... or is it?

LadyHawke
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"Chose a Bride"

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother
he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over
three women and you try and guess which one I'm
going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into
the house and sits them down on the couch and
they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm
going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, "I didn't like her."


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"The preservation of the Jew was certainly not casual.
He has endured through the power of a certain ideal,
based on the recognition of a Higher Power in human
affairs. Time after time in his history, moreover, he
has been saved from disaster in a manner, which
cannot be described excepting as 'providential.' The
author has deliberately attempted to write this book in
a secular spirit; he does not think that his readers can
fail to see in it, on every page, a higher immanence"
- Cecil Roth, Oxford University
(History of the Jews, New York, 1963, p. 424)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
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Oct 11, 2007              Volume 94, Issue 802


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Fore Skin"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There are always side effects...

LadyHawke
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"Fore Skin"

A PGA professional golfer, in an awful car crash, was rushed
to the hospital where the surgeon told the pro he had lost
his right arm... but that he had good news.

The despondent pro said, "There goes my life, Doc."

"Not necessarily, my good man." answered the doctor. He
said that a lady, a very nice Jewish lady, before dying had
donated all of her organs and body parts to anyone who
was in need. The surgeon said he could transplant the
lady's right arm to the pro golfer.

The pro became ecstatic and the operation was a success.

Three months later, the pro visited the doctor to tell him
his new hand and arm had him winning tournaments
right and left.

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that, Doc, but my handwriting has improved a
thousand percent, I've also taken up oil painting and
sold my first canvas for $3000.00."

"Unbelievable." said the doctor. "I'm so glad the transplant
was such a success."

"But there is one problem." the golf pro said.

"What's that?" asked the surgeon.

"Every time I touch my privates, I get a horrible headache."


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
-- Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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Oct 16, 2007              Volume 94, Issue 803


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Mr. Goldberg"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That's some progressive rabbi!

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"Mr. Goldberg"

No matter what Mr. Goldberg does in bed, his wife never
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to
sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their rabbi. The
rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes
the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are
making love, have the young man wave a towel over
you. That will help Mrs. Goldberg fantasize and should
bring on an org*sm."

They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a
handsome young man and he waves a towel over them
as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still
unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "let’s try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you
wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice. They go
home and hire the same strapping young man. The
young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband
waves the towel. The young man gets to work with
great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, earsplitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and
says to him triumphantly:

"You see, you young schmuck, THAT’S how you
wave a towel!!"


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"I have already explained with clear proofs that the soul
is the dominant factor in the nature of the Jew. For example,
being stiff-necked is one of the bad qualities that Jews
have. Practically speaking, that means that Jews refuse
to accept criticism and will not listen to corrective advise.
This is in fact because they are not essentially materialistic.
Only something which is materialistic is readily altered.
Consequently Jews are very resistant to change and will
not accept the advise of others. Further, the Rabbis say
(Talmud - Beitzah 25b) that they are the most aggressive
and pushy people."
- Maharal of Prague (Rabbi Yehuda Loewe, 1526 - 1609)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
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Oct 18, 2007              Volume 94, Issue 804


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Religious Bras"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

We do need more religion in everyday life... but bras?

LadyHawke
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"Religious Bras"

A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department
of Macy's in New York City. He tells the saleslady,
"I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34 B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What
kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you
that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would
know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We
don't get as many requests for them as we used to.
Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra,
or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked,
"So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation
Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps
them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and
said: "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what
does the Jewish bra do?"

"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains
out of molehills."


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
-- Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton:

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
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I'm Walking Here....

Here's an item (the Telescopic Walking Stick) that I never
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when we went for a walk along a trail a few weeks ago.

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Oct 23, 2007              Volume 94, Issue 805


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Shmuel's Testimony"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Let's not meet by accident...

LadyHawke
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"Shmuel's Testimony"

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.
Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy
lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?"
asked the lawyer. Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you
vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "
Just answer the question."Did you not say, at the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and
vas driving down the road...."

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the
scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's
answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he
has to say about his dog Moishele."

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I
vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh
(dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked  my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into
one ditch and Moishele vas thrown  into the other. I vas
hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However,  I
heard Moishele moaning and groaning.  I knew he vas
in terrible shape just by his groans.

Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear
Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him.
After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition
Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him
between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across
the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says,
"How you feeling?"

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"


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Jewish Quote du Jour

“Israel's great achievement, so apparent that mention of
it is almost trite, was Monotheism. It was an achievement
that transformed subsequent history....One may raise the
question whether any other single contribution from
whatever source since human culture emerged from the
stone age has had the far reaching effect upon history
that Israel in this regard has exerted both through the
mediums of Christianity and Islam and directly through
the world of Jewish thinkers themselves"
- from The Intellectual Adventure of Ancient Man,
by H. and H. A. Frankfort, John A. Wilson,
Thorkild Jacobsen, William A. Irwin"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
All Rights reserved.
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Oct 25, 2007              Volume 94, Issue 806


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Jewish Truisms"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When it's true, it's true....

LadyHawke
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"Jewish Truisms"

Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget,
but she'll never forget what she forgave."

One of life's mysteries - how a 2Ib box of chocolates
can make a Jewish woman gain 5lb.

Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish woman
hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and
it shrinks two sizes!

The trouble with some Jewish women is that they
get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

A Bar mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish
boy comes to realize that he is more likely to own
a professional sports team than he is to play for one.


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Jewish Quote du Jour

Not everything that counts can be counted, and
not everything that can be counted counts.
-- Albert Einstein

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
All Rights reserved.
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Oct 30, 2007              Volume 94, Issue 807


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Moses and the Prez"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Both he and Golda Meir...

LadyHawke
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"Moses and the Prez"

Recently, while going through an airport during one
of his trips, President Bush encountered a man
with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe
and sandals and holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said,
"Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring
straight ahead.

The President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The
man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the
President.

The President pulled a Secret Service agent aside
and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I
crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you."

The Secret Service agent looked at the man and
agreed.

"Well," said the President, "every time I say his name,
he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to
speak - watch!"

Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the
man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the
white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses.
Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh!
Yes, I am Moses, but the last time I talked to a bush
I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended
up leading my people to the only spot in the entire
Middle East with no oil!


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"All that is thought should not be said, all that is said
   should not be written, all that is written should not
be published, all that is published should not be read."
-- Rabbi Menachem Mendel Morgenstern of Tomashov
(the Kotzker Rebbe)

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Nov 1, 2007              Volume 95, Issue 808


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "Famous Doctor"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hmm... Was that a medical opinion?

LadyHawke
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"Famous Doctor"

Sam Tinkleman sat on the examining table
in the office of Dr. Rosenstein, the
world-famous urologist.

"My trouble," said Tinkleman, "is that I can't pee."

"How old are you?" asked the doctor.

Tinkleman said, "I'm one hundred and seven."

"Well," said Rosenstein, "you peed enough!"


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"Education is what remains after one has forgotten
everything he learned in school."
-- Albert Einstein

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Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
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Nov 8, 2007              Volume 95, Issue 810


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "The Four Orthodox Rabbis"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Oy vey!

LadyHawke
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"The Four Orthodox Rabbis"

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series
of theological arguments, and three were always
in accord against the fourth.

One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1,
majority rules" statement that signified that he had
lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, G~d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am
right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign
to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day.

As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm
cloud moved across the sky above the four. It
rumbled once and dissolved.

"A sign from G~d! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that
storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G~d, I need a bigger
sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So
please, G~d, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed
toward each other to form one big cloud, and a
bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends
insisted that nothing had happened that could not be
explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big*
sign, but just as he said, "Oh G~d...," the sky turned
pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming
voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the
other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3
to 2."


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Jewish Quote du Jour

"At infant school, the Jewish and Christian children
compared what their parents and grandparents had
told them about each other."
-- Lionel Blue

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
All Rights reserved.
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Nov 13, 2007              Volume 95, Issue 811


	 Jewish Joke du Jour Table of Content

o  "The Chosen People"
o Jewish Quote du Jour

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And now we know...

LadyHawke
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"The Chosen People"

When Moses was on earth back then he was
given the Ten Commandments but he was
not told actually what he should do with them.

He took them to England and confronted a man
and asked, "Would You Like A Commandment?"

The man replied, "What's A Commandment?"

Moses took a tablet and read, "Thou Shalt Not Steal!"

The man replied, "Go away, we don't want any of that
here!"

Moses went to America and confronted a man
with the same question, "Would You Like A
Commandment?"

The man replied, "What's A Commandment?"

Moses took a tablet and read, "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery!"

The man replied, "Go away, we don't want any of
that here!"

And so Moses went on his way around the world
always getting the same response until he arrived
in Jerusalem.

Moses confronted a Jew with the same question,
"Would You Like A Commandment?"

The Jew replied, "How Much Are They?"

Moses replied, "Well....They're Free!"

The Jew replied, "THEN I'LL TAKE TEN!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jewish Quote du Jour

"Intelligent people know of what they speak;
fools speak of what they know."
-- Minchas Shabbos Pirkei Avos 3:18 / Ethics
Of The Fathers

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Copyright © 1995 - 2007 Jewish Joke du Jour.
All Rights reserved.
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