Contents: cartoon quotes, jokes


QUOTES FROM CARTOONS
--------------------

My parents always tell me to make my life an example of the principles
I believe in, but every time I do, they tell me to stop it. -Calvin

Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
-Calvin

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it
again. -Calvin

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-Calvin

I know the world isn't fair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
-Calvin

We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for
jerks. -Calvin

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives. -Dilbert

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge. -Dilbert

We put the "k" in "kwality." -Dilbert

Good morning is a contradiction of terms. -Garfield

Mosquitos remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we
think. -Ziggy

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?" -Homer Simpson

Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a q-tip! -Homer Simpson


JOKES
-----

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the
attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible.
He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed
her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss
them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!"

"Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he
protested.

"Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have
there been?"

"Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples
and a vase."

---

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. He says life seems
harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where
what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. The doctor says "The treatment
is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see
him, that should pick you up." The man bursts into tears. He says "But
doctor... I am Pagliacci."

---

A hungry man went into a restaurant and noticed that the daily special was
rabbit burgers (a real delicacy) for only .49 cents a burger. He asked the
waiter about it and was told that, to keep prices down, they did add some
filler, namely horse meat.

Customer: How much of each kind of meat is in a burger?

Waiter: An equal amount of each: one horse and one rabbit.


CONCLUDING NOTE
---------------

Do you want to know how many of you responded to my plea for contributions?
Zero.
Am I supposed to do all this work myself?
Well, I guess so...

Jiri

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Instant Wisdom: http://wisdom.mondocolorado.org/