"A fost o data un om foarte sarac care avea in schimb un cal foarte frumos, pe care dorea sa-l cumpere stapanul castelului. Dar de fiecare data, batranul il refuza. "Pentru mine acest cal nu este doar un animal. Este un prieten. Cum pot sa-mi vand prietenul?" Intr-o dimineata s-a dus la grajd si a descoperit ca disparuse calul. Toti satenii au zis, "Ti-am spus doar! Ar fi trebuit sa vinzi calul. Acum a fost furat.Ce ghinion teribil." "Ghinion sau noroc?" a spus batranul. "Cine poate spune?" Toata lumea a ras de el.Dar peste 15 zile calul s-a intors, urmat de o intreaga herghelie de cai salbatici.A scapat din grajd, a curtat o iapa tanara si s-a intors cu intreg alaiul dupa el. "Ce noroc!" au strigat satenii. Batranul si fiul sau au inceput sa antreneze caii salbatici.Dar, o saptamana mai tarziu fiul sau si-a rupt piciorul incercand sa antreneze un cal salbatic. "Ghinion," i-au spus prietenii."Ce-ai sa te faci acum fara ajutorul fiului tau? Esti si asa vai de capul tau." "Ghinion, noroc, cine poate spune?" A replicat batranul. Cateva zile mai tarziu armata stapanului pamantului a fortat toti tinerii din sat sa devina soldati.Toti in afara de unul..... fiul batranului, care avea piciorul rupt. "Cat de norocos poti sa fii," au urlat satenii. "Toti copii nostri merg la razboi, dar tu poti sa-ti pastrezi fiul acasa. Fii nostri probabil vor fi ucisi......" Batranul a replicat, "Ghinion, noroc, cine poate sti?" Viitorul vine spre noi fragmentat.Nu putem sti niciodata ce ne rezerva.Dar daca mentii tot timpul o atitudine pozitiva, usile sanselor raman deschise, iar tu vei fi o persoana mai fericita. ----------------------- "Tine minte, fericirea nu depinde de ceea ce esti sau de ceea ce detii ci doar de ceea ce gandesti." Dale Carnegie "Multumirea aduce fericire chiar si in saracie. Nemultumirea aduce saracie, chiar si in bogatie." Confucius

 

O masina este oprita la un filtru de politie. Politistul: D-le sofer, sunteti primul intr-o suta de masini care purtati centura de siguranta si din aceasta cauza ati castigat un premiu de 50 mil lei. Felicitari. Ne puteti spune ce aveti de gand sa faceti cu acesti bani? Soferul: Multumesc mult. Cred ca in primul rand o sa imi iau si eu carnet de conducere! Mama soferului: D-le politist, nu-l luati in seama. Intotdeanuna vb prostii cand e beat. Tatal soferului: Mai boule, ti-am spus sa nu mai furi masini cand bei. Fratele soferului(din portbagaj): Hai bre, am trecut granita sau nu?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Top Thirty Facts about Vin Diesel

1. Onions do not make Vin Diesel cry. Vin Diesel makes onions shit themselves.
2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
3. Vin Diesel can slam a revolving door.
4. If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
5. Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
6. When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
7. When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
8. When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
9. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
10. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.
11. Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
12. Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
13. Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
14. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
15. Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
16. Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
17. When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.
18. You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
19. Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
20. Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
21. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
22. Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
23. Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
24. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
25. Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
26. When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
27. On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
28. Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. 1
29. If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
30. Vin Diesel does not "drop it like it's hot." To suggest that anything would be too hot for him to hold is laughable.

Trei tipi stau intr-un bar la o discutie despre sotii si amante :

Primul spune : "Este mai bine sa stai doar cu sotia, te-ai obisnuit cu ea, te asteapta cu mancare acasa..."

Al doilea : "Nu , este mai bine sa ai o amanta deoarece ea este tot timpul disponibila. "

Al treilea : "Eu prefer sa fiu si cu sotia si cu amanta..." Ceilalti il intreaba de ce.

"Pentru ca in timp ce sotia crede ca sunt cu amanta, amanta crede ca sunt cu sotia, iar eu pot sta linistit sa ma joc pe calculator.

 

 

 

 

Ce nu vrei sa iti spuna suportul tehnic la telefon...

* "Aveti cumva un ciocan la indemana ?"
* "Isuse Cristoase, doar nu ati ..."
* "Asa...Acum apucati cu dintii cablu neizolat si ..."
* "Ca sa rezolvati problema aveti nevoie de un cutit, niste banda izolatoare si o sticla de ketchup..."
* "...acum deschdeti la pagina 1429 manualul Windows pe care banuiesc ca l-ati achzitionat..."
* "... va fac legatura imediat cu departamentul juritic..."
* "Nu, nu e chiar atat de simplu precum pare, dar incercam sa ne descurcam ..."
* "...si dupa ce conectati ... - astepati o clipa va rog - MAMIIII ! TOMI NU MA LASA IN PACEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
* "Inchideti ochii si apasati cu grija ESC de trei ori..."

Ce explicatii dau programatorii cand aplicatiile lor nu functioneaza

 

1.Ciudat...

2.Nu credeam ca poate sa faca si chestia asta...

3.Pai... ieri inca functiona...

4.Nu se poate!

5.Probabil vi s-a stricat calculatorul...

6.Cand ati facut ultimul update al sistemului de operare ? 

7.Credeam ca rezolvasem problema...

8.Cineva mi-a schimbat codul sursa...

9.Eu cred ca vi s-a virusat calculatorul...

10.Chiar daca nu functioneaza, cum vi se pare ? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A <patrycja1983@...> wrote:

To: "psyko" <psyko@yahoogroups.com>
From: "A" <patrycja1983@...>
Date: Tue, 3 Jan 2006 12:26:40 +0100
Subject: [fun] intamplare

Aceasta este o intamplare adevarata petrecuta la Word Perfect Help
 Line. Angajatul companiei participant la discutia urmatoare a fost
concediat. Oricum, el a dat in judecata compania pentru "concediere
fara motiv".
Ceea ce urmeaza este un pasaj din discutia care a dus la concediere.
* "Word Perfect Technical Desk, va pot ajuta cu ceva?"
* "Da, am o problema cu Word Perfect"
* "Ce problema?"
* "Pai, scriam si dintr-o data toate cuvintele au disparut."
* "Au disparut?"
* "Da, au disparut."
* "Hmm. Si ce afiseaza ecranul tau acum?"
* "Nimic."
* "Nimic?"
* "E negru; si nu accepta nimic din ceea ce scriu."
* "Esti inca in Word Perfect, sau ai iesit?"
* "De unde vrei sa-mi dau seama?"
* "Vezi un prompter C: pe ecran?"
* "Ce-i ala un prompter C:?"
* "Nu conteaza. Poti misca curso! rul pe ecran?"
* "Nu e nici un cursor; Ti-am spus ca nu accepta nimic din ceea ce
tiparesc!"
* "Monitorul tau are un indicator de functionare?"
* "Ce e ala un monitor?"
* "Este chestia aia cu ecran si care arata ca un TV. Are o luminita
care sa-ti arate daca e deschis sau nu?"
* "Nu stiu."
* "Atunci uita-te in spatele monitorului si vezi unde duce cablul electric. Poti sa vezi asta?"
* "Da, cred ca da."
* "Minunat. Urmeaza cablul electric, si spune-mi daca este bagat in
priza."
* "...Da, este."
* "Cand te-ai uitat in spatele monitorului, ai observat ca sunt doua
cabluri si nu doar unul bagate in monitor?"
* "Nu."
* "Ei bine, sunt doua. Mai uita-te o data si gaseste si celalt cablu."
* "Ok, l-am gasit."
* "Urmareste-l si spune-mi daca este bagat bine in spatele computerului tau."
* "Nu pot sa fac asta."
* "Huh. Dar macar poti vedea daca este?"
* "Nu."
* "Nici daca iti pui genunchiul pe ceva sau te intinzi pe ceva?"* "O, nu e din cauza ca nu am unghiul bun, ci din cauza ca e intuneric."
* "Intuneric?!"
* "Da, lumina din birou este stinsa, singura lumina care vine este de afara."
* "Pai, aprinde lumina in birou."
* "Nu pot."
* "Nu? De ce?"
* "Pentru ca e o pana de curent."
* "Aaa...o pana de curent? Aha, ok. Cred ca am rezolvat problema. Mai
ai cutiile si manualele si chestiile de impachetare cu care a venit computerul tau?"
* "Da, le tin in dulap."
* "Bine. Du-te si adu-le, si baga sistemul in cutii exact asa cum l-ai
primit. Si apoi du-l inapoi de la magazinul de la care l-ai luat."
* "Adevarat? Este chiar atat de grav?"
* "Da, ma tem ca da."
* "Atunci asta e, il duc inapoi. Si ce sa le spun?"
* "Spune-le ca esti prea prost ca sa ai un computer."

 
ÃŽn UE ca si intrati
Stati putin, nu emigrati
Vize nu falsificati
C-am venit sa colindam
De bine sa va uram
Si-am venit c-un Plugusor
Sa va fie mai usor. ÃŽn 2005, mai vere,
Fu oranjul la Putere
Guvernul s-a instalat
Dar cu treaba nu s-a luat
Traian vru anticipate
Sa-l dea pe Adi în spate
Azi Calin demisiona
Mâine, pe loc ramânea
Pân’ la urma, de plecat
Pleca Elena din palat
Ce-a avut, a câstigat Ia turnati o bere blonda
Ca nu-i în spirit de fronda! La congresul pesede
A fost revolutie
Se stia ca Bombonelu
Nu-l va concura pe Nelu
Dar c-un aer de cucoana
A iesit în fata Geoana
Iliescu-a cuvântat
Sala nu l-a ascultat
S-au râs toti baronii iarasi
Când mi ti-i facu ‘tovarasi’
Cel mai mare om sarac
Fu învins de Prostanac Ia aduceti urna ‘ncoa
C-o avea piftie-n ea! Foaie verde si-o Sulfina
Suie apa pâna-n tinda
Cât sa zici o data Barbu
S-a ‘necat de tot Banatu
Fie apa cât de mica
Toate podurile pica
Toate digurile-s sparte
Ca-s din spaga ca la carte
Vine valu’ cât o casa
Si-am ramas numa’ c-o basca
Si c-un cort de bumbacel
Sa plutim bine cu el. Trageti tuica mai colea
Ca sa ne-necam în ea! Îi rapira, nu-i o gluma
Au închis în beci o luna
Doi baieti si o blondina
Tintuiti c-o carabina
Ca sa le facem pe plac
Sa plecam noi din Irak.
Dar s-a sculat mai an
Badia Traian
Si-a încalecat de urgenta,
La ceas de mare audienta
Pe teroristul Hayssam
Cel bagat la ramadan. Mai aduceti si pelinul
Ca ne sechestrara vinul! Când sa zicem c-am scapat
Gainile au turbat
O lebada la Maliuc
Ne vârî rau în bucluc
Ca veni cu aviara
De-am prins rate-n toata tara
Dar apoi le-am fript domol
Cu benzen si cu petrol. Ia bagati un caltabos
C-asta nu-i de la cocos! ÃŽn vara, mai vere
Fu Craiova în durere
Dinel echipa antrena
La pauza o vindea
Apoi înapoi o lua
Si-n B direct o baga
Nationala, tot asa
Cu Puiu se chinuia
Iar Piturca o prelua
Dar la nemti tot n-ajungea. Ia pasati-mi o friptura
Ca-i de-aci, din batatura! Leul rage în ograda
Ca-l scurtara rau de coada
C-o para si o bancuta
Iei un kil de slaninuta
Cu paraua si un pol
Te faci de trei ori matol
Dar cu leul asta greu
Preturile cresc mereu
Sa-l vedeti la primavara
Cum se usureaza iara. Hai cu ciorba de vitel
S-o denominam nitel! Aho! Aho! Dragi cititori
Va uram de Sarbatori
Sanatate, bucurii
S-aveti spor în tot ce-o fi
Iar în anul care vine
Sa gânditi numai de bine! http://ro.altermedia.info/general/plugusorul_3179.html
 
 

 

Cum ne vad strainii pe noi!

Manelist = A special breed of romanian built to withstand even the most horrific sounds , that he himself can make , they are often used at parties to calm down violent drunkmen from breaking things. Be aware that in order not to harm other guests money must be thrown to make the beast stop.

Curva = a select social category, mainly formed of women and high-school girls, that are organized in a sort of secret society, that have the insidious goal of killing the male population through intense sexual activity. A derived word of the curva, is tarfa, the difference being that a curva will have sex with anybody, but a tarfa will have sex with anybody but you.

naspa=this word has actually no meaning, but vaguely evil and bad. It's beyond adjectives or nouns, it can even be a verb is the speaker is drunk enough. Naspa can be used in any situation. Your dog dies "naspa", your grandmother is on fire "naspa", you lost a penny "really naspa".

lol=It's not actually a romanian word but young teens keep on using it. It is extremely uncool to actually laugh about a joke , you just politely say lol and nod with a serious look. Tracing the word back to it's roots is hard, but it seems to be most present in the deep waters of the mIRC and it is extremely popular among young teens who don't have a life but are seaching for one on the internet.

manca-ti-as = a special word used to describe many attitudes and various thoughts in Romanian language. Usually, it is followed by an anatomic part of the human body. Examples: "manca-ti-as pula, coaiele....", etc. This word does not express hunger, in most cases, but you can never be too sure, as the Romanians have a very healthy appetite for everything that can be put in the mouth (especially women).

bengos = a word used to describe something cool. In Romanian language anything good can be bengos. You bought a new pair of jeans, they are "bengosi", you go to a club - it's bengos. It is the opposite of "naspa" and can be use even for describing a person: "a bengos ass", "bengoase breasts" and so on.

A Confused Nation(wtf?)

The Romanians lived happily for approximately 1000 years under their emperor Jvljvs Ceasar during a period know as the Pax_Romanianium, not showing any sign of progress in any domain because of a racial genetic disorder that later historians used to call "congenital lazy bastarditis." However the romanians managed to get split into three diferent regions. The Valachian region pillaged and raped by the turks, the Moldavian region pillaged and massivelly raped by the russians and the Transylvanian region just generaly raped by the hungarians and the austrians. During this period the romanian common peasant discovered a very useful tactic of war. Anytime there was even the slightest rumor of turks or any other invader the romanian peasents would burn the crops, bring down their houses, rape wathever they could lay their hands on, poison the wells and beat each other up so when the invaders arived they could laugh at them "ha ha, we already pillaged all that was to pillage, suckers". Demoralized by this tactic the turks refused to invade and counqure such a suicidal country. Romania could have probably existed like that for a long time were it not for a mad ruler called Mihai the Lion heart. He managed to counquer the whole of what will be once Romania and unite it under one iron fist. His first act of law as the new king of Romania was to die and after that divide the country again. For the next couple of years the most interesting thing that happened in Romania was the anual race and slain of the pig. This horrid example of barbarism usually happened near the new year when hundreds of romanian people would stuff themselves until explosion with dead pigs. This practice brought down the number of the romanian army to only about a hand full of women who were camuflaging as men without no aparent reason other than having sex with other transvestite women they thought to be extremely vigurous men.

Government
In 1756, a bloodless revolution resulting in some 1 million mutilations, 267,000 viral infections and 72,506 bisexual cows -- but zero deaths -- brought to power an anarchical government. This authoritarian regime has remained in power ever since thanks to its ingenious use of Yufu's chinese food.

In 2004, after the elections, Adrian Nastase, the displaced prime minister, could return to his life long passions: giving oral sex to old people on the bus, and anal sex with apes who are in danger of no-sex.

After the lost of the long departed dear Ceausescu, ruler of them all, the people of Romania found themselves lost and without a paternal figure. So, in order to compensate this tragic loss, the Romanians voted at each democratic election for the little brother of Ceausescu - Iliescu (or Iliescov). The resemblance between the brothers offered the Romanians peace of mind: the poverty, the outrageous public thefts, the peak of bureaucracy and so many lovely communist traditions.

The current ruler of Romania is a former corsair which goes by the name of Traian Basescu. Although his name seems to resemble those of the former presidents, we must notice that he is only trying to become the first emperor of the newly seemed to have proven this rumour as false. He also became famous for his military campaign against dogs who were planning to take over the galaxy. As a consequence, now cats are secretly running it, while dogs are sent to re-education camps were they learn how to become soap. An unconfirmed rumour states that this is the same soap Bush and Blair are using.

Romania and the end of the world

As constantly beeing 20 years behind any known society, when the end of the world will come - romanians will have another 20 years to spend after nuclear bombs will fall over the aviary chickens.. Most Romanians look forward to this since they will finally be able to flee into America and Canada so when death comes to claim them, the Romanians will just show their American or Canadian work green cards and claim they already died as American citizens. Like this Romanians will be able to live forever and rule the world. After they rule the world for a couple of years the Romanians will eventualy die out because they will not be able to emigrate to other countries and they will not be able to request debts from other countries. Another theory is that Romanians will shoot all the moldavians to the moon and thus create another culture. This will be posible since moldavians have their head full of empty air and they can survive in an outer space forever.

Common used expressions

It is not uncommon to walk on a Romanian sidewalk and hear words like bulangiule or fah pizda proasta or even sa-mi sugi pula, mainly because they are part of the spoken language of the Romanians and because romanians are very expressive people, so let's try to learn a few expressions that are commonly used here in Romania:

o S-a spart neaga >>> commonly used to describe the sex Simbol of Romania , Neagu Adrian

â—‹ Muie [Moo-eah] = Hello

â—‹ Pula [Poo-lah] = Hand

â—‹ Pizda [Peez-dah] = Food

â—‹ Bulangiu [Boo-lan-jew] = Friend

â—‹ Mancami-ai pula [Moon-kah me-ai poo-lah] = It's an honor to shake your hand

â—‹ Fute-ma [Foo-teh-ma] = Hello (a sintax used mainly by young girls and widows)

â—‹ Fututi Mortii Ma-tii [Fooh-tootzi moortzee mah-tea] = Nice too meet you

â—‹ Bagamea-s pula-n ma-ta [Bah-gameash poo-lah oon mah-ta] = Your mother has smooth hands (Romanians bare a lot of respect for their mothers, so it is not uncommon to compliment one's mother)

â—‹ Fututi pizda ma-tii [Foo-tootzi peez-dah mah-tii] = Your mother's food is very tasty.(again, commonly used by romanians during dinner to compliment one's mother about her cooking)

â—‹ Sa te fut [Sah teh foot] = I love you

â—‹ Sa te fut in cur [Sah teh foot oon coor] = I love you very much

â—‹ Date-n sloboz de bulangiu [Dah tan sloobooz deh boo-lan jew] = Nice wheather, isn't it my friend

â—‹ Date-n mortii ma-tii [Dah-tan moortzee mah-tee] = See you later

â—‹ Mancamea-i coaiele [Moon-cah-mwei coah-ye-leh] = Let me buy you lunch

The list could continue, but in Romania you should remember that respect has a different approach, so don't be shy to kick a romanian in the balls or step on his pin-pointed GUCCI leather immitation shoes, because that denotes the degree of respect that one bares for an individual.

The bravest thing anyone can do

Due to the lack of food in Romania, in Eastern Europe, is often said, that "The bravest thing anyone can do" is to sit on a pig and ride through Romania. The result may vary: If the traveler is American most likely the romanians will capture him and eat his wallet and passport.

If he is form Holland he will probably get turned into a huge joint and smoked by a bunch of young romanian teens.

If he is japanese people will just stare at him until he dies of shame(same with chinese)

If he is black people will repeatetly ask him how big his dick is until he will die of exasperation.

If he is Hungarian Romanians will attack and eat him.

However it's unclear what happens to the pig since the poor animal disapears within second of setting his hoves on Romanian soil. Most of the time before the traveler can realized what happned to his pig.
 
text preluat de la : http://my.opera.com/emi201281/blog/show.dml/92233

 

 

 

 

Dimineata, tatal le spune baietilor:
- Azi noapte, nu stiu care bulangiu, ne-a furat vaca...
Baiatul mai mic:
- Daca-i bulangiu înseamna ca-i mic de statura.
Baiatul mijlociu:
- Daca-i mic de statura, trebuie sa fie Tica Slutu din Tandarei.
Hai sa mergem la Tandarei. Au ajuns la Tandarei, l-au gasit pe Tica Slutu si i-au tras o cafteala strasnica. Dar ala nu le da vaca - zice ca n-a furat-o el. L-au mai caftit o data dar tot degeaba.
Judecatorul îi înteaba:
- Dar de ce credeti voi ca e mîna lui Tica Slutu?
- Cum de ce, raspund fratii, a furat vaca, deci e bulangiu.
E bulangiu, deci e mic de stat. Daca e mic de stat, e din Tandarei, ca acolo toti sînt mici de stat. Iar daca e din Tandarei, e clar ca e Tica Slutu...
- Interesanta logica, zice Judele. Dar ia spuneti-mi voi (si le arata o cutie), ce am eu în cutiuta asta?
- E o cutie patrata, - observa tatal.
- ÃŽnseamna ca-nauntru e ceva rotund, - zice mezinul.
- Daca e rotund înseamna ca-i oranj, - cugeta mijlociul.
- Daca-i oranj, e clar ca-i o portocala,- conclude fratele mai mare.
Judecatorul scoate din cutie o portocala, uitîndu-se gînditor la Tica:
- Asculta, Slutule, nu te mai încontra atîta. Da-le astora vaca-napoi!...

Hai sa dam mana cu mana
Cei cu 4 la romana
Shi cu 2 la geografie
Da-o draq de chimie
Hai sa copiem vecine
Vino-ncoace langa mine
Da fitzuica la un loc
Amandoi s-avem noroc
Amandoi urma franceza,
Amandoi uram engleza
Mate chiar ca ne framanta
Si diriga nu ne-ncanta
Unde-i unul nu-i putere
La suflat si copiere
Unde-s doi puterea creste
S-apoi nota se mareste.