--- In happyhaiku@yahoogroups.com, "lbolenyc" <lbolenyc@...> wrote:
>
> I'm curious what everyone thinks of this haiku:
>
> withered field...
> distand mountains
> lit by the sun
>
>
> Is this better than average? Do you like it?
>
> In a couple of days I will explain why I am asking.
>
> Larry


Thanks for you replies, Gabi, Bob, and Sakuo.

As Gabi knew, this is a haiku by Kyoshi.

Here is the original and a word-for-word translation, followed by a
translation as an English haiku:

tooyama | ni | hi-no | atari-taru | kareno | kana
distant-hills | on | sun's | basking | withered-moor | kana

On distand hills
the rays of the sun fall...
a withered moor.

Kyoshi, trans. Ueda

Other translations:

The withered moor;
The sun shines
On the distant mountains.

trans. Blyth


In the distant hills
A patch where sunlight touches
The withered meadows.

trans. Donald Keene


The radiant sun
Illuminates far off mountains ---
Oh, this withered field

trans. Nagayama Aya


withered field...
distant mountains
lit by the sun

trans. Shigeru Takiguchi


According to Nagayama Aya:

"This haiku was written in 1900(Meiji 33) when Kyoshi was 26 years
old.

This is one of Kyoshi's most famous masterpieces. It is considerd as
a pivotal piece in which he established the haiku world of his own.

It is not difficult to understand this haiku. Far off mountains are
seen across a withered field. The mountains are lit by the glow of
the late afternoon sun whereas in the forground the winter field lies
bleak and desolate.

This haiku deeply moves all who read it. Why this heartfelt
reactions? Perhaps it is because the scene is so plainly described.
We, the readers, can clealy visualize what Kyoshi saw , and
superimpose this image over our own memories.

The sun-lit mountains at the end of the bleak winter field may give
hope and comfort to us, who are all travelers of life."


And Donald Keene says:

"Many critics consider [this haiku to be] Kyoshi's finest haiku... .
Yamamoto Kenkichi wrote of this poem, 'It is an astonishing verse
that defies paraphrase. The language is quite ordinary, with nothing
that call attention to itself, but the reader senses something of
incalculable importance in this commonplace landscape. The
combination of 'withered meadows' and 'distant hills' is not
especially memorable in itself; the critical factor is the words 'a
patch where sunlight touches' linking the nouns. This line, though
not in the least extraordinary in itelf, makes both 'distant hills'
and 'withered meadows' come alive.' "


What prompted me to ask the question I asked, was coming across this
haiku in an article by Shigeru Takiguchi, in which he says:

"This haiku normally comes at the bottom of the popularity chart when
shown to Western haiku poets. They simply do not think it is a good
haiku. So much so that I have long wondered if they really understand
haiku at all, or if Westerners will ever understand Japanese literary
perceptions and sensibility in real terms. ...

"...It is historically important to recognize that one of the
masterpieces of Kyoshi has been so derided in the West."


So, some of my own thoughts:

Maybe one has to live within sight of distand hills or mountains,
like Bob, to appreciate this haiku as being more than a simple,
pretty picture.

It's interesting to me that whereas other translators seem to follow
the idea that the sunlit distant mountains are seen across a
desolate field, Donald Keens sees the 'withered meadows' as being IN
the 'distant hills.' Which interpretation of the scene makes the
haiku more interesting? For me, its the interpretation that the
withered fields are in the foreground, not part of the mountains.

As far as haiku go with the kigo 'withered fields/moor', I think
there are several that I know of which are far more interesting.
Among these would be:

uma shikaru koe mo kareno no arashi kana

The voice shouting at the horse
Is part of the storm
Of the withered moor.

Kyokusui, trans. Blyth


taiboku no kumo ni sobiyuru kareno kana

A great tree
That rises up into the clouds,
On the withered moor.

Shiki, trans. Blyth


tokorodokoro nabatake touki kareno kana

Here and there in the distance,
Fields of vegetables
On the withered moor.

Shiki, trans. Blyth


tabibito no mikan kuiyuku kareno kana

The traveller walks
Over the withered moor,
Eating an orange.

Shiki, trans. Blyth


As well as the most famous withered moor haiku:

tabi ni yande yume wa kareno wo kakemeguru

Ill on a journey;
My dreams wander
Over a withered moor.

Basho, trans. Blyth


For Japanese critics who think Kyoshi's 'withered moor' haiku is a
masterpiece, how do these haiku compare?

Larry