Good Morning:  It's Sunday June 2, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

BIRTHDAYS:  Martha Washington, 1732; Marquis de Sade,
1740; Paul Galdone (children's author), 1914;
Norton Juster (children's author who penned one of my
favorites -- THE PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH), 1929; Anita Lobel
(children's author and illustrator), 1934; Sally
Kellerman, 1936; Marvin Hamlisch, 1944; Jerry (the
Beaver) Mathers, 1948; Diana Canova, 1953.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1883 the first night baseball game
took place in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

On this date in 1886 Grover Cleveland became the first
president to get married in the White House.  He
married the future Mrs. Cleveland...

On this date in 1896 Great Britain granted Guglielmo
Marconi the first wireless radio patent.

On this date in 1924 the U.S. Congress granted
American Indians citizenship.

On this date in 1946 in a referendum, Italy chose a
Republican form of Government over a return to a
monarchy.

On this date in 1949 five different players on the
Philadelphia Phillies baseball team hit 8th-inning
home runs.

On this date in 1953 Elizabeth II was crowned in
Westminster Abbey.

On this date in 1966 the U.S. spacecraft Surveyor 1
landed on the moon and began to relay the first
close-up pictures of the lunar surface.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Those who think that "Iran" is a
new name for Persia are quite mistaken.  To the
natives themselves, it has been known as Iran for
centuries.  "Persia" was simply what foreigners
insisted on calling it, because that was what the
Greeks called it when they first began trading with
the "Persians" (from "Pars," the ancient name for one
of Iran's provinces).  The Iranians eventually tired
of accepting somebody else's name for their own
country, and in the mid-1930's announced that others
would please now use the name they'd been using all
along. (Dictionary of Misinformation).

TRIVIA:  What is the longest running primetime network
TV Program?

      "Defeat, like victory, is only a passing
phenomenon in a political career. The battle for one's
ideals and beliefs must go on, and I mean to pursue
mine" [personal letter following 1968 presidential
campaign] (Hubert Humphrey).

*******************************************************

Thanks to J&W R:  Good vs. Evil

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of
the evil that was going on.  He decided to send an
angel down to Earth to check it out.  So he called one
of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are wicked and 5% are good.

He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better
send down a second angel to get another opinion." So
God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a
time too.

When the angel returned she went to God and said,
"Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are bad and 5% are
good."

God was not pleased.  So He decided to E-mail the 5%
that were good because He wanted to encourage them...
give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

You didn't get one either, huh?

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  A Little Help Please...

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new
town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the
Club for the first time to play but was told there
wasn't anybody he could play because they were already
out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to
play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play
with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a
bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't need any
strokes as I have been playing quite well. The
only real problem I have is getting out of sand
traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they
were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able
to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man
had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a
sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker
he hit a high ball which landed on the green and
rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his
opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice
shot, but I thought you said you have a problem
getting out of sand traps?".

Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a
hand."

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  Executive Mansion,

Washington, Nov 21, 1864

Dear Madam:

I have been shown in the files of the War Department a

statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts
that you are the mother of five sons who have died
gloriously on the field of battle.  I feel how weak
and fruitless must be any word of mine which should
attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so
overwhelming.

But I cannot refrain from tendering you the
consolation that may be found in the thanks of the
Republic they died to save.

I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the
anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the
cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn
pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a
sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.

A. LINCOLN

GOD BLESS AMERICA

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS...

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family.
His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids
have dropped out of high school to hang around with
the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a
large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.  The
human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired
at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your
e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our
system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and
advise you when to start and where to report on your
first day."  Taken back, the man protests that he is
poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that
to a company like ours that means that
you virtually do not exist.  Without an e-mail address
you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech
firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers'
market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of
beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to
a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than
2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100%
profit. Repeating the process several times more that
day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that
night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato
business the next day.  By the end of the week he is
getting up early every day and working into the night.
  He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the
second week he acquires a cart to transport several
boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up
he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two
sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him
with the tomato business, his wife is buying the
tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at
the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice
used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed
people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work
hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he
owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his
wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys
manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds
of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter
reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life
insurance.  Consulting with an insurance adviser, he
picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances.
Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in
order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess
with a computer and has no e-mail address, the
insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have
e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you
would be today if you'd had all of that five years
ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years
ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making
$5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably
closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  60 Minutes -- It went on the air initially
when I was about 4-years-old (1968).

*******************************************************
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UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
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know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************


=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Saturday June 1, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

BIRTHDAYS:  Jacques Marquette (French Jesuit
missionary and explorer), 1637; Brigham Young, 1801;
Francis Edgar Stanley (inventor of the first
successful steam-driven automobile), 1849; Andy
Griffith, 1926; Marilyn Monroe, 1926; Pat Boone, 1934;
Morgan Freeman, 1937; Cleavon Little, 1939; Lisa
Hartman, 1956.

Today is the "birthday" (if you will) of Oscar the
Grouch, of Sesame Street fame.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1792 Kentucky became the 15th state.

On this date in 1796 Tennessee became the 16th state.

On this date in 1802 the first Book Fair took place in
New York City.

On this date in 1813 the U.S.S.Chesapeake's Captain,
James Lawrence, uttered his famous line:  "Don't give
up the ship."  This would become the motto of the U.S.
Navy.

On this date in 1925 Lou Gehrig began his major league
career and played in the first of his 2,130
consecutive baseball games.

On this date in 1933 during a U.S. Senate hearing, one
of the world's greatest financiers -- J. Pierpont
Morgan, Jr. -- was waiting to be questioned about the
current economic state (it was the Depression, after
all) posed with a circus midget on his lap.

On this date in 1938 the first issue of the "Superman"
Action Comics appeared -- not mysteriously or
anything, they did it on purpose.

On this date in 1980 Cable News Network (CNN) made its
debut.

On this date in 1990 Soviet president Mikhail
Gorbachev and U.S. president George Bush signed more
than a dozen agreements at the White House.

Today is Children's Day in Germany.

Today is International Mother's Peace Day.

The first week in June is International Volunteers
Week.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  "...Pouring oil on troubled
waters..."  No phrase like this occurs in the
Bible.Both Pliny the Elder (A.D. 23-79) and Plutarch
(A.D. 46?-120), however, refer to oil as having a
soothing effect on rough water.  And Bede, often
called "the Venerable Bede" (A.D. 673-735) tells of
one Bishop Adrain who, in the seventh century, gave to
some travelers oil for casting into the sea in case of
rough weather.  The bishop's oil, however, was not
designed to smooth troubled waters; it was "holy oil",
with the "miraculous" ability to make the wind stop
blowing.  By the way, there is no such doctrine
concerning "holy oil" either... (Source, The
Dictionary of Misinformation).

TRIVIA:  Born Norma Jean Baker, this famous celebrity
was the first to appear on the cover of Playboy.  Who
is she?

      "Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from
you that counts. It's what you do with what you have
left" (Hubert H. Humphrey, 1911 - 1978).

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS (whose mail I have missed -- and for
whose safe return home I am thankful) --

TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE

Read it through to the end, it gets better as you go!

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries
when we sing "Silent Night". Age 5

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my
broccoli either. Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the
country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I
like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up,
you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm
secretly glad my parents are strict with me.  Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing
than words of advice. Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of
life's great pleasures. Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst
drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind
about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly
but just don't know how to show it. Age 42

I've learned that you can make some one's day by
simply sending them a little note. Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of
guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on
others. Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are
natural allies. Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad
it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better
tomorrow. Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my
spirits for hours. Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the
side away from the phone. Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by
the way he handles these three things: a rainy day,
lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.  Age
51

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth
a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with
your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same
thing as making a life. Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive
for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age
61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second
chance. Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a
catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to
throw something back.  Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will
elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs
of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing!
the very best you can, happiness will find you.  Age
65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with
kindness, I usually make the right decision.  Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.  Age 72

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have
to be one.  Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and
touch someone. People love that human touch-holding
hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
  Age 90

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

I've learned that you should pass this on  to someone
you care about. Sometimes they just need a little
something to make them smile.

*******************************************************

Thanks to HOUSEHOLD OF FAITH Ezine (Joel Hendon
editor) --

MORE TEST ANSWERS FROM GRADE SCHOOL STUDENTS

1. The future of "I give" is "I take."

2. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

3. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12
opossums.

4. Syntax is all the money collected at the church
from sinners.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  Obviously, she is Norma Jean Baker, but most
know her better by another name -- Marilyn Monroe.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
hate to see you go, but if you must -- just let us
know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************



=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Friday May 31, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

BIRTHDAYS:  Walt Whitman, 1819; Elizabeth Coatsworth
(children's author), 1893; Fred Allen, 1894; Norman
Vincent Peale, 1898; Clint Eastwood, 1930; Peter
Yarrow, 1938; Terry Waite, 1939; Johnny Paycheck,
1941; Sharon Gless, 1943; Joe Namath, 1943; Tom
Berenger, 1950; Gregory Harrison, 1950; Brooke
Shields, 1965.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1043 Lady Godiva rode naked through
the market square in Coventry, England.  She and her
husband Leofric founded a monastery in Coventry, and
when he demanded heavy taxes from the residents she
protested.  He said that the only way he would lower
them was if she would ride naked through the market
square.  She did.  (See Meaningless Facts section for
more).

On this date in 1790 the U.S. copyright law was
enacted.

On this date in 1853 an expedition led by Elisha Kane
became the first American expedition to reach the
arctic circle.

On this date in 1868 the nation's first Memorial Day
parade took place in Ironton, Ohio.

On this date in 1868 James Moore won the earliest
bicycle race on record.

On this date in 1880 the first Bicycle Society, the
League of American Wheelmen, was formed.

On this date in 1884 Dr. John Harvey Kellogg applied
for a patent for flaked cereal.

On this date in 1889 the Johnstown Flood occurred when
a dam above the Pennsylvania town broke, submerging
the town under 30 feet of water.  Nearly 2,300 people
were killed in the disaster.

On this date in 1913 the seventeenth amendment,
providing for the direct election of U.S. senators,
was ratified.

On this date in 1919 the first wedding in an airplane
took place.

On this date in 1954 President Dwight D. Eisenhower
spoke about revolutionaries and rebels at Columbia
University's bicentennial.  Among other things, he
said:  "Here in America, we are descended in blood and
in spirit from revolutionists and rebels -- men and
women who dared to dissent from accepted doctrine.  As
their heirs, we may never confuse honest dissent with
disloyal subversion."

On this date in 1962 Adolf Eichmann was executed by
the State of Israel.  He was hunted down as a mass
murderer of Jews during the Second World War.  His
hanging wrote a new chapter in international law and
terrified other fugitive Nazis who were hiding in
various places around the world.

On this date in 1964 (the year of my birth...), the
San Francisco Giants and the New York Mets played the
longest baseball game in the history of the National
League - 7 hours, 23 minutes.

On this date in 1965 Jim Clark cracked the 150 mph
barrier to win auto racing's Indianapolis 500.

On this date in 1985 Tornadoes with winds estimated at
260 miles per hour ripped through parts of Ohio and
Pennsylvania.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  About the most one can say about
Lady Godiva's bareback ride is that it cannot be
proved that it didn't happen.  There was such a person
(she was baptized Godgifu, or 'God's gift'), married
to Leofric, the Earl of Leicester.  The date of her
death is uncertain, but it was either about the time
of the Norman Conquest, 1066, or not long thereafter.
Leofric does not seem to have been a tough
administrator; and contemporary accounts show Lady
Godgifu, or Godiva, in a most favorable light:
generous, philanthropical, religious.
      No early chronicle as yet discovered, however,
makes any reference to her famous ride.  The earliest
account known, by a Benedictine monk at St. Albans,
appeared a century and a half after the occasion, if
any.  (Source: THE DICTIONARY OF MISINFORMATION, by
Tom Burnam, Thomas Y. Crowell Company, NY.)

TRIVIA:  What is the breed of dog with the best
eyesight?

      "The Constitution is not an instrument for the
government to restrain the people, it is an instrument
for the people to restrain the government - lest it
come to dominate our lives and interests" (Patrick
Henry, 1736 - 1799).

*******************************************************

Since we have been identifying just who (or what) a
redneck is, perhaps these tips from M/M Riverrats will
prove helpful... Tips for Rednecks

IN GENERAL

1. Never take a adult beverages to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting
at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change
the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the
will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul
to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the
paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the
fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold
it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no
matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a
job that should be done in private using one's OWN
truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is
a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social
no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of her finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially
on the first date.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding
gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get
you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit
with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even
if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with
the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct
tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back more
beverages.
5. Do not "burn rubber" while traveling in a funeral
procession.

*******************************************************

Thanks to JLH:  It Takes A Village...

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5
passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, George W.  Bush said, "I am the
President of the United States, and I have a great
responsibility, being leader of nearly 300 million
people and a superpower."

So he takes the first parachute and jumps out of the
plane.

The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one of
the best NBA basketball players, and the Boston
Celtics need me so I can't afford to die."

So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.

The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the
wife of the former President of the United States, I
am New York's Senator, and I am the smartest woman in
the world."

So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.

The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth
passenger, a 12-year-oldBoy Scout, "I am old and frail
and I don't have many years left so as a Christian
gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and
let you have the last parachute."

The Boy Scout said, "It's okay, there's a parachute
left for you.  The world's smartest woman took my
backpack."

Splat

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  The breed of dog with the best eyesight is
said to be the greyhound.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
hate to see you go, but if you must -- just let us
know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************

May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Thursday May 30, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

BIRTHDAYS:  Mel Blanc (who provided the voice for Bugs
Bunny, Porky Pig, Elmer Fudd, and other cartoon
characters), 1908; Benny Goodman, 1909; Millicent
Selsam (children's author), 1912; Clint Walker, 1927;
Alexsei Leonov (Soviet cosmonaut who became the first
man to walk in space), 1934; Michael J. Pollard, 1939;
Gale Sayers, 1940.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1431 Joan of Arc was burned at the
stake.

On this date in 1848 the ice cream freezer was
patented by William G. Young.

On this date in 1848 Maria Mitchell became the first
woman elected to the American Academy of Arts and
Sciences.

On this date in 1854 Kansas and Nebraska became U.S.
territories.

On this date in 1868 Memorial Day was first observed.

On this date in 1901 the Hall of Fame for Great
Americans was dedicated.

On this date in 1911 the first Indy 500 was held.  Ray
Harroun took first place with the blistering speed of
75 miles per hour.

On this date in 1921 the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
was dedicated at Arlington National Cemetery.

On this date in 1922 the Lincoln Memorial was
dedicated in Washington, D.C.

On this date in 1989 INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST
CRUSADE became the first movie to sell $10 million in
tickets on its opening day.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Birds are even more warm-blooded
than mammals.  A body temperature of 108 degrees is
not uncommon... Emperor penguins have square pupils...
The city of Los Angeles employs a professional skunk
hunter.

TRIVIA:  True or False?  Saudi Arabia imports camels
and sand.

      "Guard with jealous attention the public liberty.
Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel.
Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright
force. Whenever you give up that force, you are
ruined. The great object is that every man be armed
and everyone who is able may have a gun" (Patrick
Henry, 1736 - 1799).

*******************************************************

Thanks to D&L S:  THREE TEXANS

Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get
arrested, and wake up in jail only to find out that
they are to be executed in the morning, though none of
them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is
asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from
the Bailor school of divinity and I believe in the
almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the
innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they
figure God must not want this guy to die and they let
him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last
words, "I am from the University of Texas School of
Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene
on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They
figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let
him go too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a
Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you
right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you
don't connect them two wires."

*******************************************************

Thanks to G&J K:  A Very Special Lady

The first day of school our professor introduced
himself and challenged us to get to know someone we
didn't already know.

I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched
my shoulder.  I turned around to find a wrinkled,
little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit
up her entire being.  She said, "Hi handsome.  My name
is Rose.  I'm eighty - seven years old. Can I give you
a hug?"

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course
you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.  "Why are
you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I
asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich
husband, get married, have a couple of children,
and then retire and travel."

"No seriously," I asked.  I was curious what may have
motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her
age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and
now I'm getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building
and
shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant
friends.  Every day for the next three months we would
leave class together and talk nonstop.  I was always
mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she
shared her wisdom and experience with me.  Over the
course of the year, Rose became a campus icon
and she easily made friends wherever she went.  She
loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention
bestowed upon her from the other students. She was
living it up.  At the end of the semester we invited
Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never
forget what she taught us.  She was introduced and
stepped up to the podium.  As she began to deliver her

prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards
on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she
leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry
I'm so jittery.  I gave up beer for Lent and this
whiskey is killing me!  I'll never get my speech back
in order so let me just tell you what I know."  As we
laughed she cleared her throat and began: "We do not
stop playing because we are old; we grow old because
we stop playing. There are only four secrets to
staying young, being happy, and achieving success.
"You have to laugh and find humor every day." "You've
got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you
die.  We have so many people walking around who are
dead and don't even know it!"  "There is a huge
difference between growing older and growing up.  If
you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full
year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn
twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and
stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will
turn eighty-eight.  Anybody can grow older.
That doesn't take any talent or ability.  The idea is
to grow up by always finding the opportunity in
change."  "Have no regrets.  The elderly usually don't
have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we
did not do. The only people who fear death are those
with regrets." She concluded her speech by
courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each
of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our
daily lives. At the years end Rose finished the
college degree she had begun all those years ago.  One
week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her
sleep.  Over two thousand college students attended
her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman
who taught by example that it's never too late to be
all you can possibly be. If you read this, please send
this peaceful word of advice to your friends and
family, they'll really enjoy it!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY,  GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  True -- the desert sand is not suitable for
building so river sand from Scotland is imported.
Camels are getting scarce and must be imported from
North Africa.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
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know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************


=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
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Good Morning:  It's Wednesday May 29, 2002!

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Happy Anniversary Jesse and Vermel Brown!!!

BIRTHDAYS:  Patrick Henry, 1736;  Bob Hope, 1903; John
F. Kennedy, 1917; Fay Vincent, 1938; Al Unser, 1939;
Tony Geary, 1948.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1790 Rhode Island became the 13th
state.

On this date in 1848 Wisconsin became the 30th state.

On this date in 1916 the official flag of the
president of the United States was adopted.

On this date in 1953 Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing
Norkay became the first men to reach the summit of Mt.
Everest.

On this date in 1988 members of the U.S. Forest
Service built a 10-foot-high platform for nesting
peregrine falcons on top of a cliff near Bergland,
Michigan.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  You can be fined for playing
dominoes in Alabama on Sunday... It is illegal to hunt
camels in Arizona... Every citizen of Kentucky is
required by law to take a bath (at least) once a year.

TRIVIA:  Think carefully:  A man arrived home late one
evening.  When he opened the door he heard the clock
chime once.  A half hour later it chimed once.  The
same thing happened a half hour later.  And a half
hour after that, the clock chimed only once.  If the
clock chimes the number of times to indicate the hour,
and then once on the half-hour, what time did the man
arrive home?

      "The right to be heard does not automatically
include the right to be taken seriously" (Hubert H.
Humphrey, 1911 - 1978).

*******************************************************

Thanks to M/M Riverrats:

You're A Redneck When... 2002 Edition

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same
tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with
a fly swatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling
center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the
high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from
the governor to spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and
they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting
dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing
fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a
program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms
so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because
your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill
your deer quota.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all
say Cool Whip on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of
K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop
always brings you home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000
worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury
duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your
teeth and you take them  out to see what it is.

*******************************************************

Thanks to M/M Riverrats:  Hunting

It was Saturday morning as Eric, an avid hunter, woke
up ready to go bag the first deer of the season.

He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee,
and to his surprise he finds his wife, Cindy, sitting
there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Eric asks her: "What are you up to?"

Cindy smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"

Eric, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decides to take her along.

Later they arrive at the hunting site. Eric sets his
wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her:  "If
you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come
running back as soon as I hear the shot".

Eric walks away with a smile on his face knowing that
Cindy couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an
array of gunshots.

Quickly, Eric starts running back. As Eric gets closer
to her stand, he hears Cindy screaming:

"Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Eric races faster towards his screaming
wife. And again he hears her yell:

"Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of
gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Eric
is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in
the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says --
"Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let
me get my saddle off it!"

*******************************************************

In keeping with a theme -- intentional or otherwise --
thanks to M/M Riverrats:  Redneck Special Forces

The latest ploy to drive the Taliban out of the
mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of
Redneck Special Forces. Billy Bob, Bubba Dean and
Cooter are being sent in and told three things:

1. The limit is two.
2. The season ended last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.

That should just about do it.

*******************************************************

Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Scrimping and Saving

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told
his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved
enough money to buy what we started saving for in
1979."

"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

*******************************************************

Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- A Drug Problem

I had a "drug" problem when I was a young person and
teenager.

I was "drug" to church on Sunday morning.
I was "drug" to church on Sunday night.
I was "drug" to church on Wednesday night.
I was "drug" to Sunday School every week.
I was "drug" to Vacation Bible School.
I was "drug" to the family altar to read the bible and
pray.
I was also "drug" to the woodshed when I disobeyed my
parents.

Those "drugs" are still in my veins; and they affect
my behavior in every thing I do, say, and think. They
are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin. and if our
children had this kind of "drug" problem, America
would certainly be a better place.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  He arrived home at midnight -- he heard the
last chime at twelve, one at 12:30, another at 1:00
A.M. and one more at 1:30.

*******************************************************
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UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
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know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************


=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
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Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Tuesday May 28, 2002!

BIRTHDAYS:  Athlete Jim Thorpe, 1888; Ian Fleming,
1908; Caroll Baker, 1931; Rudolph Guiliani, 1944;
Gladys Knight, 1944; Sondra Locke, 1947; Kirk Gibson,
1957.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1892 the Sierra Club was organized by
John Muir in San Francisco.

On this date in 1923 the U.S. Attorney General
determined that it was legal for women to wear
trousers where and when they please.

On this date in 1928 the Dodge Brothers, Inc. and the
Chrysler Corporation merged.

On this date in 1929 the first all-color talking
picture, ON WITH THE SHOW, was exhibited.

On this date in 1934 an international sensation began
with the birth of quintuplets Cecile, Marie, Emile,
Yvonne and Annette Dionne in Ontario, Canada.

On this date in 1940 the Dunkirk evacuation began.
More than 300,000 Allied Forces were evacuated from
the French shores near Dunkirk in about a week's
time following a bitter defeat by the Nazis on the
European continent. Ships, fishing boats, sailing
craft of every shape and size crossed the English
Channel to rescue the stranded troops in one of the
world's largest volunteer missions.  The Dunkirk
evacuation did more than bring the fighting men out of
what seemed a final, inescapable trap.  It also gave
new heart to the British people who gave their time
and effort toward the cause.

On this date in 1953 MELODY, the first animated,
three-dimensional cartoon in Technicolor, premiered.

On this date in 1961 Amnesty International was
founded.

On this date in 1987 a West German pilot landed a
private plane in Moscow's Red Square -- for no
particular reason.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  A hippopotamus can outrun a man...
It takes  a skunk three weeks to crank out one ounce
of foul odor... A 25 pound turkey has about 4,000
feathers.

TRIVIA:  What three animals move their front and hind
legs on one side and then their front and hind legs on
the other side when they walk?

"To err is human. To blame someone else is politics."
- Hubert H. Humphrey, 1911 - 1978

*******************************************************

From:  Adaire, OK Church of Christ Bulletin:

Gratitude

An Aesop's Fable reads, A slave named Androcles once
escaped from his master and fled to the forest. As he
was wandering about there he came upon a Lion lying
down moaning and groaning. At first he turned to flee,
but finding that the Lion did not pursue him, he
turned back and went up to him. As he came near, the
Lion put out his paw, which was all swollen and
bleeding, and Androcles found that a huge thorn had
got into it, and was causing all the pain. He pulled
out the thorn and bound up the paw of the Lion, who
was soon able to rise and lick the hand of Androcles
like a dog. Then the Lion took Androcles to his cave,
and every day used to bring him meat from which to
live.

But shortly afterwards both Androcles and the Lion
were captured, and the slave was sentenced to be
thrown to the Lion, after the latter had been kept
without food for several days. The Emperor and all his
Court came to see the spectacle, and Androcles was led
out into the middle of the arena. Soon the Lion was
let loose from his den, and rushed bounding and
roaring towards his victim. But as soon as he came
near to Androcles he recognized his friend, and fawned
upon him, and licked his hands like a friendly dog.
The Emperor, surprised at this, summoned Androcles to
him, who told him the whole story. Whereupon the slave
was pardoned and freed, and the Lion let loose to his
native forest.

The Moral: Gratitude is the sign of noble souls.

Gratitude is quality that all of God's people should
possess to a great degree. Christian's have so much to
be thankful for - salvation and the necessities of
life - just to name a couple. Therefore, "As ye have
therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye
in him: Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in
the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein
with thanksgiving" (Col. 2:6-7). How is your
gratitude? - Tom Moore

http://www.onelist.com/community/FromThePreachersPC

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  Some things you keep.

Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands. They're
good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime
that to throw them away would make the garbage man a
thief.

So you hang on, because something old is sometimes
better than something new, and what you know is often
better than a stranger.

These are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and
tame, and dull at a time when everybody else is risky
and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in
their lives.

New careers, new thighs, new lips, new cars. The world
is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I
don't think I want to.

I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a
mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after
she cooked in it, then reused it - and still does. A
father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than
buying new ones.

They weren't poor, my parents, they were just
satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams
focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away.
I
can see them now, Dad in trousers and tee shirt and
Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in his hand,
dishtowel in hers. It was a time for fixing things -
a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the
oven door, the hem in a dress.

Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes
it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating,
renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste
meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd
always be more.

But then my father died, and on that clear autumn
night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck
with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't
any 'more.' Sometimes what you care about most gets
all used up and goes away, never to return.

So, while you have it, it's best to love it and care
for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when
it's sick. That's true for old cars and children with
bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging
parents. You keep them because they're worth it,
because you're worth it.

Some things you keep. Like a best friend that moved
away or a classmate you grew up with, there's just
some things that make life important.... people you
know are special....and you KEEP them close!

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  A cat, a camel and a giraffe.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
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*******************************************************


=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
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Good Morning:  It's Memorial Day!

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BIRTHDAYS:  Isadora Duncan, 1878; scientist Rachel
Carson, 1907; Hubert Humphrey, 1911; Vincent Price,
1911; Herman Wouk, 1915; Henry Kissinger, 1923; Lee
Meriwether, 1935; Lou Gossett, Jr., 1936; Christopher
Dodd, 1944; Pat Cash, 1965.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1647 Achsah Young was the first person
executed as a witch in Windsor, Connecticut.

On this date in 1937 the Golden Gate Bridge in San
Francisco opened.

On this date in 1979 Egyptian President Anwar Sadat
and Israli Prime Minister Menachem Begin announced the
opening of the border between Egypt and Israel.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Dr. Kissinger's real name is
Heinz, not Henry... A tuna can swim a hundred miles in
one day... Approximately 98% of all coupons go unused.

TRIVIA:  Which person on today's birthday list was
named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter?

      Henry Kissinger said, "The nice thing about being
a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think
it's their fault."  Probably.  On to the real stuff.

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS and J&W R:  MEMORIAL DAY HOLIDAY.......
The things they Carried....
They carried P-38 can openers and heat tabs, watches
and dog tags, insect repellent, gum, cigarettes, Zippo
lighters, salt tablets, compress bandages, ponchos,
Kool-Aid, two or three canteens of water, iodine
tablets, sterno, LRRP-rations, and C-rations stuffed
in socks. They carried standard fatigues, jungle
boots, bush hats, flak jackets and steel pots. They
carried the M-16 assault rifle. They carried trip
flares and Claymore mines, M-60 machine guns, the M-70
grenade launcher, M-14's, CAR-15's, Stoners, Swedish
K's, 66mm Laws, shotguns, .45 caliber pistols,
silencers, the sound of bullets, rockets, and
choppers, and sometimes the sound of silence. They
carried C-4 plastic explosives, an assortment of hand
grenades, PRC-25 radios, knives and machetes.
Some carried napalm, CBU's and large bombs; some
risked their lives to rescue others. Some escaped the
fear, but dealt with the death and damage. Some made
very hard decisions, and some just tried to survive.
They carried malaria, dysentery, ringworms and
leaches. They carried the land itself as it hardened
on their boots.
They carried stationery, pencils, and pictures of
their loved ones - real and imagined. They carried
love for people in the real world and love for one
another. And sometimes they disguised that love:
"Don't mean nothin'!"
They carried memories for the most part, they carried
themselves with poise and a kind of dignity. Now and
then, there were times when panic set in, and people
squealed or wanted to, but couldn't; when they
twitched and made moaning sounds and covered their
heads and said "Dear God" and hugged the earth and
fired their weapons blindly and cringed and begged for
the noise to stop and went wild and made stupid
promises to themselves and God and their parents,
hoping not to die.
They carried the traditions of the United States
military, and memories and images of those who served
before them. They carried grief, terror, longing and
their reputations. They carried the soldier's greatest
fear: the embarrassment of dishonor. They crawled into
tunnels, walked point, and advanced under fire, so as
not to die of embarrassment. They were afraid of
dying, but too afraid to show it. They carried the
emotional baggage of men and women who might die at
any moment.
They carried the weight of the world.
THEY CARRIED EACH OTHER.
Author Unknown

*******************************************************

Thanks to M/M Riverrats --

Daily Survival Kit

Items Needed:
* Toothpick
* Rubber Band
* Band Aid
* Pencil
* Eraser
* Chewing Gum
* Mint
* Candy Kiss
* Tea Bag

Why???

1) TOOTHPICK - to remind you to pick out the good
qualities in others. -Matt. 7:1

2) RUBBER BAND - to remind you to be flexible; things
might not always go the way you want, but it will work
out. - Romans 8:28

3) BAND AID - to remind you to heal hurt feelings,
yours or someone else's. -Col. 3:12-14

4) PENCIL - to remind you to list your blessings
everyday. -Eph.1:3

5) ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes
mistakes, and it's OK. - Gen.50:15-21

6) CHEWING GUM - to remind you to stick with it and
you can accomplish anything.-Phil 4:13

7) MINT - to remind you that you are worth a mint!-
John 3:16-17

8) CANDY KISS - to remind you that everyone needs a
kiss or a hug everyday. - 1 John 4:7

9) TEA BAG - to remind you to relax daily and go over
that list of blessings. -- 1 Thess 5:18

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.

They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.

  They lend an ear, share a word of praise and they
always open their hearts to us."

Show your friends how much you care. Send this to
everyone you consider a friend, even if it means
sending back to the person who sent it to you.

*******************************************************

Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- George

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All
of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith
said, "George, everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with yourself, and do you have a good
relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have
poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up
in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,
poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the
light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's
wife.  "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine.
Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm
in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that
he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes
on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?"

George's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing
in the refrigerator again!".

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  Given the choice, it wasn't THAT hard, was
it?  Of all the people on the list, Henry Kissinger
has done the most "globetrotting" by far.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
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know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************

=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
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Gradowith's Homepage: 
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! - Official partner of 2002 FIFA World Cup
http://fifaworldcup.yahoo.com

Good Morning:  It's Sunday May 26, 2002!

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BIRTHDAYS:  Al Jolson, 1886; John Wayne, 1907; James
Arness, 1923; Jim Frey, 1931; Brent Musburger, 1939;
Darrell Evans, 1947; Stevie Nicks, 1948; Hank Williams
Jr., 1949; Sally Ride, 1951; Wesley Walker, 1955.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1886 Asa Yoelson was born.  When Asa
was born on this date in Srednike, Russia, his parents
had no idea that they would migrate to the U.S.  But
they soon did.  In fact, they had no idea that Asa
would change his name either.  But he did.  He is a
world famous singer, a jazz singer no less.  He sang
his way up from the Rialto vaudevill theaters to
Ziegfeld's Follies and finally to the "big screen".
Thousands of highly talented performers have tried to
imitate him, and more -- they respect him as a
bonafide leader in his field.  His famous line -- "You
ain't heard nothin' yet, folks."  We know him as Al
Jolson.

On this date in 1954 the Egyptian Pharaoh Cheops'
funeral ship was discovered.  Cheops ordered the
construction of some of Egypt's great pyramids
thousands of years ago.  When he died, he was buried
in a funeral ship built for his other-worldly journey.
  It was uncovered near the Pyramid of Giza.

On this date in 1978 Atlantic City became the first
city outside Nevada to offer legalized casino
gambling.

On this date in 1979 Israel formally returned El Arish
to Egypt, after having occupied it for over a decade.
The next day, the border between Israel and Egypt was
opened.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  500,000 trees are used to supply
Americans with their Sunday newspapers every week (and
I think that is a good thing)... Americans get almost
2 million tons of junk mail annually (a bad thing),
using approximately 100 million trees... The oldest
tree ever was a bristlecone pine found in eastern
Nevada.  When it was cut down, it was estimated to be
5,100 years old.

TRIVIA:  True or False:  In the typical American
household, the television is on about four hours a
day.

      Art Linkletter is usually good for a nice quote,
let's see one:  "The four stages of man are infancy,
childhood, adolescence and obsolescence."  Sure
enough...  Now, on to the real stuff!

*******************************************************

Thanks to Crusader:  RESIGNATION

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an
adult. I have decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go
to McDonald's and think that it's a four star
restaurant.  I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud
puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you
can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and
run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's
day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When
all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and
nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because
you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't
care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were
blissfully unaware of all the things that should make
you worried or upset. I want to think the world is
fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to
believe that anything is possible. I want to be
oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly
excited by the little things again. I want to live
simple again. I don't want my day to consist of
computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing
news, how to survive more days in the month than there
is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness,
and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind
word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind, and making angels in the snow. So . . .
here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card
bills and my 401K statements. I am officially
resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss
this further, you'll have to catch me first,
cause............... "Tag! You're it."

Pass this to someone and brighten their day by helping
them remember the Simple  in Life.

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Hope Ya'll join me !

*******************************************************

Thanks to MAK:  THINGS YOUR MOTHER WOULDN'T SAY

"Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a
motorcycle!"

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket--it's quite warm out."

"Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it's good for another
week."

"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."

"Yeah, I used to skip school, too."

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house
more
cheery."

"Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it,
too?"

"Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!"

"Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will
ever know."

"I don't have a tissue with me--just use your sleeve."

"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good
enough for me."

"Of course you should walk to school and back. What's
the big deal about having to cross a few main
streets?"

"My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids
don't mind skipping dinner?"

*******************************************************

3 Good ones from M/M Riverrats --

Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very
first train ride, with Billy's mother.

A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy bar
that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mom bought
each one of them a bar.

Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a
bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a
tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he
looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that
if I were you."

"Why not?" asked Billy.

Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and went blind
for half a minute."

******************

A blonde walks into a store and says " How much for
that TV" and the salesman says " We don't sell things
to blondes."  So she goes home. The next day she comes
back and says " How much for that TV" and the salesman
says " We don't sell things to blondes." So that night
she dyes her hair brown. The third day she goes back
and says  " How much for that TV" and the salesman
says "

We don't sell things to blondes."

Then she says " How did you know I was a blonde?"

And the salesman says " Because that's a microwave!"

***********************************************************

A blonde goes into the local auto part store and asks
for a seven ten cap.

We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven
ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got
lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked? I'm
thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she
said its a Buick.

"OK lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her
hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter.

What does it do?," we asked. She said, "I don't know,
but its always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she
could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle
about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she
writes 710.

The guys! behind the counter are looking at it upside
down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind
the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.

(directions ... draw a circle, write 710 in the middle
of  it, and turn it around)

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  False -- not even close.  The TV is on almost
7 1/2 hours a day!

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
hate to see you go, but if you must -- just let us
know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************


=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage: 
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! - Official partner of 2002 FIFA World Cup
http://fifaworldcup.yahoo.com

Good Morning:  It's Saturday May 25, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

Special Birthday:  Freda Smith, my wife, was born on
this date some... well, let's say... maybe, a few...
hmmm.  She was born in 1963.  Happy birthday!!!

BIRTHDAYS:  Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803; aeronautical
engineer Igor Sikorsky, 1889; Bennett Cerf, 1898;
Claude Akins, 1918; Miles Davis, 1926; Tom T. Hall,
1936; Dixie Carter, 1939; Leslie Uggams, 1943; Karen
Valentine, 1947; Connie Selleca, 1955.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in AD 735 the Anglo-Saxon scholar Bede
awoke in his monk's cell at the Jarrow monastery ready
to dictate the last chapter of his translation of the
Gospel according to St. John.  He told his scribe,
"Take up your pen and write quickly."  Upon completion
of his translation, tradition holds that he knelt down
to pray and died.

On this date in 1787 the first session of the
Constitutional Convention was held.  It was to have
started on the 14th of May, but a quorum didn't
convene until this day.

On this date in 1968 the Gateway Arch in St. Louis
formally opened.

On this date in 1986 an estimated 6 million Americans
linked hands in "Hands Across America".

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The Custer Battlefield Monument in
Montana has the world's first solar-powered toilet...
The Washington Monument sinks an average of six inches
a year... The presidential mansion in South Korea is
known as the Blue House.

TRIVIA:  Which of the following Major League Baseball
pitchers is the only man in ML history to hold back to
back no hitters?  A. Allie Reynolds; B. Jim Maloney;
C. Johnny Vander Meer; D. Sandy Koufax; E. Nolan Ryan.

           I don't know anything about Irv Kupcinet,
but I like the following quote from him:  "What can
you say about a society that says that God is dead and
Elvis is alive?"  On to the real material!

*******************************************************

Thanks to a friend:  Seek Christ Earnestly

There is a story told of a vessel that was wrecked and
was going down at sea. There were not enough lifeboats
to take all on board. When the vessel went down, some
of the lifeboats were near the vessel. A man swam from
the wreck to one of the boats, but they had no room to
take him on. When they refused, he seized hold of the
boat with his right hand, but they took a sword and
cut off his fingers. When he had lost the fingers of
his right hand, the man was so earnest to save his
life that he seized the boat with his left hand. They
cut off the fingers of that hand too. Then the man
swam up and seized the boat with his teeth. Now they
had compassion on him and relented. They could not cut
off his head, so they took him in, and the man's life
was saved. Why? Because he was in earnest. Why not
seek your souls salvation as that man sought to save
his life? author unknown

*******************************************************

Thanks to a friend:  Old Song

He cleansed the spotted leper;
He opened blinded eyes;
He walked on troubled waters,
Astounded passers by,
Forgave the sinful woman,
Raised Lazarus from the dead,
Took bread from one small basket,
And then ten thousand fed.
He's the Oak, and I'm the ivy.
He's the Potter; I'm the clay.
He's the Oil; I'm just the vessel.
I'm the traveler; He's the Way.
I'm the flower; He's the Fragrance.
I'm the lamp, but He's the Flame.
He's the words I sing to music;
I'm the bride who claims His name.
Sweet Jesus, sweet Jesus, what a wonder You are.
You're brighter than the morning star.
You're fairer, much fairer
Than the lily that grows by the wayside;
Precious, more precious than gold.

author unknown

*******************************************************

Thanks to D56:  Boys In Trouble (pretty cute)

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into
trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief
occurred in their town, their sons were probably
involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had
been successful in disciplining children, so she asked
if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed
but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent
her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older
boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat
the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is
God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the
clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his
finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS
GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran
directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the
door behind him. When his older brother found him in
the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We
are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing -
and they think WE did it!"

*******************************************************

Thanks to AB:  Dear Diary:

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new
home. It's fun to cook for Dan. Today I made angel
food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately."
The  neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra
bowls"

Tuesday: Dan wanted fruit salad for dinner. The recipe
said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Dan brought a friend home for
dinner.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda
silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the
rice any.

Thursday:  Today Dan asked for salad again. I tried a
new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss
on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which is
what led up to Dan asking me why I was rolling around
in the garden.

Friday:  I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said,
"Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must
have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got
back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Dan did the shopping today and brought home
a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (oh
boy) For some reason Dan keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Dan's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast but all I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I
had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven
and set the controls for roast. It still came out like
hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Goodnight, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting
week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out
a new recipe on Dan. If we could just get a bigger
oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate
Moose."

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  Well, you had to know it would be hard -- it
was C. Johnny Vander Meer.  He no-hit the Boston
Braves on June 11, 1938 and then in his next start
repeated the feat by no-hitting the Brooklyn Dodgers.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
hate to see you go, but if you must -- just let us
know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************


=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage: 
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! - Official partner of 2002 FIFA World Cup
http://fifaworldcup.yahoo.com

Good Morning:  It's Friday May 24, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

Today is graduation day for Lee Ann Smith, your
editor's oldest daughter.  At 8:00 P.M. this evening
the graduating class of Ashford High School 2002
edition is scheduled to graduate at the Civic Center
in Dothan, AL.  Lee Ann has worked very hard and we
are most proud of her.  My congratulations to all
graduating Seniors!  Tim

BIRTHDAYS:  Emanuel Leutze (German-born American
painter), 1816; Wilbur Mills, 1909; Lilli Palmer,
1914; Gary Burghoff, 1934; Bob Dylan, 1941; Frank Oz,
1944; Priscilla Presley, 1946; Jeffrey Kreismer, 1986.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1775 John Hancock was elected
president of the Continental Congress.

On this date in 1819 Queen Victoria of England was
born (celebrated as "Victoria Day" on the closest
Monday to the date each year).

On this date in 1844 Samuel F.B. Morse sent his first
telegraph message.

On this date in 1869 John Wesley Powell led the first
expedition down the Grand Canyon.

On this date in 1883 the Brooklyn Bridge opened.  At
1,595 feet, it was the longest single-span suspension
bridge in the world.

On this date in 1935 baseball fans saw the light as
the first major league baseball game was played at
night at Crosley Field in Cincinnati. The Reds hosted
the Philadelphia Phillies.

On this date in 1968 Chief, the last horse of the U.S.
Cavalry, died.

On this date in 1976 the Concorde Supersonic Jet began
regular 4-hour flights between Paris and Washington,
D.C.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The Gap clothing store chain
opened in 1969 in San Francisco and was named by its
owners, Donald and Doris Fisher, after the "generation
gap"... IBM was originally called the
Computing-Tabulating- Recording Company... And Nike
was originally named Blue Ribbon Sports.  The athletic
shoemakers changed the name in 1968 to Nike after the
Greek goddess of victory.

TRIVIA:  Which of these is a butterfly?  A.
Swallowtail; B. Fantail; C. Fish tail; D. None of the
above.

       "Time is like a river made up of the events
which happen, and a violent stream; for as soon as a
thing has been seen, it is carried away, and another
comes in its place, and this will be carried away too"
(Marcus Aurelius, The Meditations).

*******************************************************

From our friends at the Waldorf Church of Christ --

Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the
next one.........IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD,
especially the thought at the end.

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half
price.
12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!) (or strawberry)
13. A long distance phone call.
14. A bubble bath.
15. Giggling.
16. A good conversation.
17. The beach.
18. Finding a $20 note in your coat from last winter.
19. Laughing at yourself.
20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
21. Running through sprinklers.
22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
24. Laughing at an inside joke.
25. Friends.
26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something
nice about you.
27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours
left to sleep.
28. Your first kiss.
29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
30. Playing with a new puppy.
31. Having someone play with your hair.
32. Sweet dreams.
33. Hot chocolate.
34. Road trips with friends.
35. Swinging on swings.
36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while
eating cookies and drinking your favorite tipple.
37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can
sing along without feeling stupid.
38. Going to a really good concert.
39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
40. Winning a really competitive game.
41. Making chocolate chip cookies.
42. Having your friends send you home-made cookies.
43. Spending time with close friends.
44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your
friends.
45. Holding hands with someone you care about.
46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some

things (good or bad) never change.
47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
48. Watching the expression on someone's face as they
open a much desired-present from you.
49. Watching the sunrise.
50. Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God
for another beautiful day.

Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when
our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

*******************************************************

From our Archive:  Thanks to JLH:  (NOTE:  I changed a
few location names to make a certain State whence I
came look a bit better... TS)

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the
inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S.
Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has
been changed.  The bands used to bear the address of
the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated "Wash.
Biol.  Surv." until the agency received the following
letter from a Texas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your
birds.  I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking
instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it
was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

*******************************************************

From a friend:  The Owl Story

Two taxidermists stopped before a window where an owl
was on display. They began to criticize the work of
the unknown taxidermist who had prepared the display.
They pointed out that it was mounted incorrectly, the
wings were not in proportion to its head, the feathers
were not arranged properly, and the owl's claws could
be improved.

  They were just about to move on when the owl turned
his head and winked at them.  Think about it...

*******************************************************

Thanks to JLH:  Milk and Honey

On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said,
"Today I am going to create a land called Israel.  It
will be a land of mountains, sparkling lakes, forests,
and high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches."  God
continued, "I shall call the inhabitants Israelis, and
they shall be known to all the people on earth."

"But Lord," asked the Angels, "don't you think you are
being too generous with these Israelis?"

"Not really," God replied, "just wait and see the
neighbors I'm going to give them."

*******************************************************

Thanks to AB:  YOU HEARD IT HERE

What did the space visitor say to the gas pump? Take
your finger out of your ear and listen to me!

What did they tell the cannibal who came to dinner
late? Everybody's eaten.

MARRIAGE

Husband: Janice, when I see you in that hat, I laugh.

Wife: Good! I'll put it on when the bill comes in.

"I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair is
gray?" "Why not? He's loved you through three shades
already."

Wife: Honey, I can't get the car started. I think it's
flooded.

Husband: Where is it?

Wife: In the swimming pool.

Husband: It's flooded.

OH, FOR THE MEMORY OF IT ALL

He who is not very strong in memory should not meddle
with lying.

One way to improve your memory is to lend people
money.

A wise man once told me that the best thing about
memories is that you can remember them without having
to relive them.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  A. - (Did you hear about the two caterpillars
who were talking to one another when a butterfly flew
over?  One said to the other:  "You'll never get me up
in one of those things...")

*******************************************************
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Thursday May 23, 2002!

BIRTHDAYS:  Carolus Linnaeus (Swedish botanist and
founder of taxonomy), 1707; Dr. Franz Mesmer (German
physician who developed a treatment called mesmerism,
which is the basis of the word mesmerize), 1734;
Ambrose Everett Burnside (American Civil War general
whose whiskers on the side of his face were called
Burnsides and later sideburns), 1824; Douglas
Fairbanks, 1883; Artie Shaw, 1910; Margaret Wise Brown
(children's author), 1910; John Payne, 1912; Rosemary
Clooney, 1928; Joan Collins, 1933; Marvin Hagler,
1952.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1785 Benjamin Franklin was old enough
to need bifocals, so he invented them.

On this date in 1788 South Carolina became the eighth
state.

On this date in 1873 Canada established the North-West
Mounted Police.

On this date in 1903 eleven-year-old William Frederick
Price became the youngest soldier to enlist in the
British Army in this century.

On this date in 1922 the play ABIE'S IRISH ROSE opened
on Broadway in New York City.

On this date in 1934 Bonnie and Clyde's crime spree
came to an abrupt end in a hail of bullets in
Louisiana.

On this date in 1934 also Nylon was first produced by
Dr. Wallace H. Carothers, a research chemist at Du
Pont laboratories.

On this date in 1989 an Italian interior designer
named Stefania Follini climbed out of the cave in
Carlsbad, N.M., in which she had spent the previous
130 days.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Caves have been found in every
state except Rhode Island... It would take twenty
states the size of New Hampshire to fill up the state
of Texas... Florida's state song is "Old Folks at
Home".

TRIVIA:  Can you identify the cities bearing the
following nicknames?  A. Rubber capital of the world;
B. Pretzel city; C. Peanut City; D. Magic city; E. The
world's playground.

      "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you
more than he loves himself" (Josh Billings).

*******************************************************

From a friend:  Emergency Help Numbers

When in sorrow, John 14
When men fail you, Psalm 27
If you want to be fruitful, John 15
When you have sinned, Psalm 51
When you worry, Mathew 6:19-34
When you are in danger, Psalm 91
When God seems far away, Psalm 139
When your faith needs stirring, Hebrews 11
When you are lonely and fearful, Psalm 23
When you grow bitter and critical, I. Corinthians 13
For Paul's secret to happiness, Colossians 3:12-17
For understanding of Christianity, II Cor. 5:15-19
When you feel down and out, Romans 8:31
When you want peace and rest, Mathew 11:25-30
When the world seems bigger than God, Psalm 90
When you want Christian assurance, Romans 8:1-30
When you leave home for labor or travel, Psalm 121
When your prayers grow narrow or selfish, Psalm 67
For a great invention/opportunity, Isaiah 55
When you want courage for a task, Joshua 1
How to get along with fellow men, Romans 12
When you think of investments and returns, Mark 10
If you are depressed, Psalm 27
If your pocketbook is empty, Psalm 37
If you are losing confidence in people, I Cor. 13
If people seem unkind, John 15
If discouraged about your work, Psalm 126

*******************************************************

Thanks to LM:  MOODS OF A WOMAN

  An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
  A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
  She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
  But will tackle a husband as big as a house.
  Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
  She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
  She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
  She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
  At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
  She'll hate you like poison and love you like mad.

*******************************************************

Thanks to AB:  TRUISMS

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the
table and can't tell who the sucker is---- it's you.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they
certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these
days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing
they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say
the first thing they notice about men is they're a
bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It
pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax
increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make
it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession. I have come to realize that it bears a
very close resemblance to the first. [This is a quote
from Ronald Reagan]

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody
discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it
is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced
by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There
is another theory which states that this has already
happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a
month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I
wish you'd come to me sooner."

You read about all these terrorists, most of them came
here legally, but they hang around on these expired
visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare
that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a
video and these people are all over you. Let's put
Blockbuster in charge of immigration!

*******************************************************

Thanks to LM:  Differences Between Women and Men

Women have more imagination than men. They need it to
tell men how wonderful they are.

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything
they say. Everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find
such a man.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go
shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole
different way of thinking.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a
one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar
for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman
gives her opinions, she's an air-head.

Women are the only exploited group in history who have
been idealized into powerlessness.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's
best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  A. - Akron, Ohio; B. - Reading, Pennsylvania;
C. - Suffolk, Virginia; D. - Birmingham, Alabama; E. -
Atlantic City, New Jersey.

*******************************************************
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Wednesday May 22, 2002!

BIRTHDAYS:  William Sturgeon (English inventor who
devised the electromagnet), 1783; Richard Wagner
(German composer), 1813; Mary Cassatt (American
painter), 1844; Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859; Sir
Laurence Olivier, 1907; critic Judith Crist, 1922;
Charles Aznavour, 1924; Arnold Lobel (children's
author and illustrator), 1933; Richard Benjamin, 1938;
Susan Strasberg, 1938; Tommy John, 1943.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1570 the Flemish cartographer Abraham
Ortelius published the first modern atlas.

On this date in 1819 the first steamship crossing of
the Atlantic was completed.

On this date in 1900 E.S. Votey obtained a patent for
the first pneumatic piano player.

On this date in 1906 Orville and Wilbur Wright
received the first airplane patent.

On this date in 1947 the Truman Doctrine went into
effect.

On this date in 1972 president Richard Nixon became
the first U.S. President to visit Moscow.

On this date in 1980 Joe Hernandez did 135 consecutive
chin-ups with no breaks.  His feat was performed in
Cashion, Arizona.

On this date in 1992 it was "Therrrrrre Goes Johnny!"
After a reign that spanned the Cuban Missile Crisis,
Woodstock, Watergate, disco, Reagan and the Gulf War
Johnny Carson retired from "The Tonight Show".

Today is International Pickle Day.

Today is National Maritime Day.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Christmas is celebrated with
fireworks in Brazil... Terlingua, Texas is a ghost
town that hosts the annual International Chili
Society's cook off... Last Chance Gulch, the 1860's
mining camp, later changed its name to Helena and is
now the capital of Montana.

TRIVIA:  Charles Chaplin's chaplain chided Charlie
constantly concerning Chaplin's cow-like chewing.  How
many C's are there in all?

      Briefly, here are some quotes -- Keep moving
(Hunter S. Thompson)  Don't panic (Douglas Noel Adams,
1951 - 2001)  Know thyself (The Oracle at Delphi)
Keep breathing (Sophie Tucker).

*******************************************************

Thanks to MAK:   All I Need To Know About Life, I
Learned From A Cow

Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

Don't cry over spilled milk.

When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no
calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

It's better to be seen and not herd.

Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder
relatives.

Never take any bull from anybody.

Always let them know who's the bossy.

Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

Black and white is always an appropriate fashion
statement.

Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

*******************************************************

Thanks to AB:

A man stepped onto the overnight train and told the
conductor, "I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia.
I'm a deep sleeper and can be ornery when I get up,
but no matter what, I want you to help me make that
stop.  Here's $100 to make sure."

The conductor agreed.  The man fell asleep, and when
he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was
approaching New York.  Furious, he collared the
conductor.  "I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in
Philadelphia, you worthless fool!"

"Wow," another passenger said to his traveling
companion.  "Is that guy ever mad!"

"Yeah," his companion replied.  "But not half as mad
as that guy they forced off the train in
Philadelphia!"

*******************************************************

Thanks to LM:  Going Fishing

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in
a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed
with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he
turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked,
"Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think
it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me
going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.

"Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added,

"Ever catch ALL the fish?"

*******************************************************

Thanks to LM:  The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman
met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect
wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple
was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along
a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side
of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a
huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon
they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and
the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. The
mind-numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
really existed in the first place. Everyone knows
there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as
a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the
end of the joke.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the
perfect woman must have been driving. And that
explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if
you're a woman and you're reading this, this
illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

*******************************************************

Thanks to LM:  51 Days

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical
day, when the door bursts open and in come four
exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five
bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order
over and sit down at a large table. The corks are
popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting
and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks
and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are
joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture
under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the
picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the
table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting
"51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer,
so he walks over to the table. There in the center is
a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie
Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender
asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and
celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in,
"Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make
fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.
Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it
together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we
put it together in 51 days!"

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  There are no "C's" in all.

*******************************************************
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
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Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Tuesday May 21, 2002!

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BIRTHDAYS:  Albrecht Durre (German artist), 1471; Poet
Alexander Pope, 1688; Glenn Curtis (American inventor
of the seaplane), 1878; Fats Waller, 1904; Harold
Robbins, 1916; Raymond Burr, 1917; Peggy Cass, 1924;
Leo Sayer, 1948; Mr. T, 1952.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1881 Clara Barton founded the American
Red Cross in Washington, D.C.

On this date in 1918 the House of Representatives
passed the Nineteenth Amendment to the U.S.
Constitution.

On this date in 1927 Charles Lindbergh landed in
Paris, France.

On this date in 1932 Amelia Earhart became the first
woman to complete a solo transatlantic flight, from
Newfoundland to Ireland.

On this date in 1955 the first transcontinental
round-trip solo flight was completed.

On this date in 1972 Jane Dorst of Atherton, CA.
released a helium balloon with her name and address
inside.  It was found 200 days later in
Pietermaritzburg, South Africa.

On this date in 1974 the first nuclear-powered
lighthouse began operating.

On this date in 1980 THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, the
sequel to STAR WARS, opened.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Your skin weighs twice as much as
your brain (so does mine)... The human tooth has
approximately fifty miles of canals in it... Your heel
is the body part least sensitive to pain.

TRIVIA:  How many teeth does a typical dog have?

      "The best memory is that which forgets nothing
but injuries. Write kindness in marble and write
injuries in the dust" (Persian proverb).

*******************************************************

Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Skinny Dipping

This fellow had owned this large farm for several
years.  He had a large pond in the back forty, had it
fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts,
basketball court, etc.  The pond was fixed for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it
over.  As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee.  As he came closer he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end of the pond.  One of the women
shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or ask you to get out of the pond, I
only came to feed my alligators!"

*******************************************************

Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- The Rules

These are our rules! Finally some rules that explain
the difficulties of being a male and help the women
know what the score is.  Please note ... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not
quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet
again!

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with
it.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as anti-terrorist
combat battle tactics, navel lint, the shotgun
formation, and NASCAR.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going
to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and
anniversaries on a calendar.   Remind us frequently
beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What
makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which
pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Check your oil!  Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void
after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.

1.Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's
genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done - not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out. Get over it.
And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve
is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our
lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how
little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. - ROUND is a shape

*******************************************************

Thanks to AB for a beautiful tragedy:

If you always thought those little green garden snakes
were O.K., read on:

Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous.  Yes,
grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted
plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was
bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a
possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake
was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed
up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the
sofa.  She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the
living room naked to see what the problem was.  She
told him there was a snake under the sofa.  He got
down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for
it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him
in the butt.

He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called
an ambulance.  The attendants rushed in and loaded him
on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa
and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and
dropped his end of the stretcher.  That's when the man
broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the
house, so she called on a neighbor man.  He
volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself
with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the
couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who
sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her
hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt
the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted,
the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor
man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use
CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from
shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth
on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the
back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking
him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it
needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called and it was determined
that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she
saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife
bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by
the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a
small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the
man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man,smelled the whiskey, and
assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.  They were
about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to
explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor
and his sobbing wife.Just then the little snake
crawled out from under the couch.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He
missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that
was on one side of the sofa.

The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and
as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and
fell through the window into the yard on top of the
family dog,who startled, jumped up and raced out into
the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it
and smashed into the parked police car and set it on
fire.

Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls
and the entire house was blazing.  Neighbors had
called the fire department and the arriving fire truck
had started raising his ladder as they were half way
down the street. The rising ladder tore out the
overhead wires and put out the electricity and
disconnected the telephones in a ten square city block
area.

Time passed.  Both men were discharged from the
hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a
new car, and all was right with their world.

About a year later they were watching TV and the
weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.  The
husband asked his wife if she thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him!

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  42 -- 20 on top and 22 on the lower jaw.

*******************************************************
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Monday May 20, 2002!

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http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html

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BIRTHDAYS:  Dolly Madison, 1768; philosopher John
Stuart Mill, 1806; Emile Berliner (American inventor
of the flat-disk phonograph record), 1851; James
Stewart, 1908; Goerge Gobel, 1920; Peggy Lee, 1920;
Carol Carrick (children's author), 1935; Sadaharu Oh
(Japanese baseball player who hit more than 800 career
Japanese home runs), 1940; Joe Cocker, 1944; Cher,
1946.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1775 Mecklenburg County, North
Carolina, declared its independence from British rule
(it is known as Mecklenburg Independence Day).

On this date in 1781 Thomas Hutchins was appointed the
first geographer of the United States.

On this date in 1830 the first railroad timetable was
published in a Baltimore, Maryland newspaper.  The
arrival and departure times of the nation's first
railroad train -- the Baltimore and Ohio -- were of
critical importance to passengers and cargo shippers
wishing to take advantage of this new, luxurious means
of rapid locomotion.

On this date in 1862 President Lincoln signed the
Homestead Act, which offered free land in the West to
any citizen who would settle it.

On this date in 1873 Levi Strauss patented pocket
pants.

On this date in 1875 the International Bureau of
Weights and Measures was established.

On this date in 1892 George Sampson patented the
clothes dryer.

On this date in 1927 "Lucky Lindy", Charles Augustus
Lindbergh, began his successful solo flight across the
Atlantic.

On this date in 1928 Pride of San Joaquin won the
first Calaveras County Frog Jumping Contest.

On this date in 1932 Amelia Earhart completed her
transatlantic solo flight.

On this date in 1941 the first airborne invasion took
place when Nazi Germany captured the island of Crete.

On this date in 1985 the FBI broke up the infamous
Walker spy ring with the arrests of retired naval
officer John Walker and his son Michael.  John
Walker's brother Arthur also was later arrested.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  A rat can go longer without water
than a camel... Rats can't vomit... Quick -- which
travels farther on a bike, the front wheel or back
wheel?  It's the front wheel, which moves back and
forth as the bike is steered while the back wheel
travels in a straight path.

TRIVIA:  True or False?  The camel drinks up to thirty
gallons of water at a time, which it then stores in
its hump.

      "All pleasantry should be short; and it might
even be as well were the serious short also"
(Voltaire).

*******************************************************

Thanks to My Sister!

Three students, a student from Arkansas, a student
from Alabama,  and a student from Tennessee, are
walking together one day. (Right here you should
know that something is wrong)..

* No Arkansas or Bama fan would even consider being
with a fan from knoxiousville. They come across a
lantern and a genie pops out of it. I will give each
of you one wish, that's three wishes total, says the
genie.

* The Bama student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a
farmer, and my son  will also farm. I want to build a
wall around Alabama so that no one can come  in and
disrupt our fertile ground." With the blink of the
genie's eye, "POOF",  and  the alabama's fertile
grounds were sealed off from the rest of the world.

* The UT student was amazed. So he said,"I want a wall
built around the University of Tennessee, so that
nobody from out of state can come into our precious
school. And none of our Athletic Dept. can leave, we
will forever have a great team. Again, with the blink
of the genie's eye,  "POOF", there was a huge wall
around the University of Tennessee.

* The Arkansas student says, "I'm very curious. Please
tell me  more about these walls." The genie explains,
"Well they are about 150 feet high,  50  feet thick
and can completely surround the areas that they
requested. No one can get in or out."

* The Arkansas student says, "Fill'em with water."

* GO HOGS GO!!!

*******************************************************

Craig Brian Larson, Leadership, Vol 11, no. 2 (via
Heart-To-Heart) -- Breathing Holes on the Way to
Heaven

A few years ago, the world watched as three gray
whales, icebound off Point Barrow, Alaska, floated
battered and bloody, gasping for breath at a hole in
the ice.  Their only hope:  somehow to be transported
five miles past the ice pack to open sea.  Rescuers
began cutting a string of breathing holes about twenty
yards apart in the six inch thick ice.

For eight days they coaxed the whales from one hole to
the next, mile after mile.  Along the way, one
vanished and was presumed dead.  But finally, with the
help of Russian icebreakers, the whales Putu and Siky
swam to freedom.

In a way, worship is a string of breathing holes the
Lord provides His people.  Battered and bruised in a
world frozen with greed, selfishness, and hatred, we
rise for air in worship, a place to breathe again, to
be loved and encouraged, until that day when the Lord
forever shatters the ice cap.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  True and False -- It CAN drink up to thirty
gallons of water, but it isn't stored in the hump.
Rather, it remains in pockets which line its stomach.

*******************************************************
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Sunday May 19, 2002!

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BIRTHDAYS:  Nancy Langhorne [Lady Astor]
(American-born British political leader who became the
first woman to sit in the British Parliament), 1879;
Malcolm X, 1925; Lorraine Hansberry (playwright whose
play A RAISIN IN THE SUN was the first by a Black
woman to be produced on Broadway), 1930; David
Hartman, 1937; astronaut Francis Scobee (American
astronaut and commander of the space shuttle
Challenger on its final, ill-fated mission), 1939;
Nora Ephron, 1941; Grace Jones, 1952; Rick Cerone,
1954; Bill Laimbeer, Jr., 1957.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1536 Anne Boleyn was beheaded.

On this date in 1602 Martha's Vineyard was first
sighted by Captain Bartholomew Gosnold.

On this date in 1832 the first Democrat National
Convention was held.

On this date in 1846 the first steamship arrived in
Hawaii.

On this date in 1848 the first department store opened
by Frank Woolworth.

On this date in 1849 in a letter to a friend, Abraham
Lincoln wrote, "The better part of one's life consists
of...friendships."

On this date in 1884 the Ringling Brothers Circus
first performed.

On this date in 1889 Postcards were first authorized
by the U.S. Post Office.

On this date in 1900 the Simplon Tunnel opened as the
world's longest railroad tunnel.

On this date in 1911 the long arm of the law first
used fingerprints to get a conviction.

On this date in 1914 the Greyhound Bus Company was
founded.

On this date in 1916 Britain first applied "summer
time" (Daylight Savings Time).

On this date in 1921 Immigration quotas were
established.

On this date in 1935 T.E. Lawrence (Lawrence of
Arabia) died in England from injuries sustained in a
motorcycle crash.

On this date in 1965 Patricia Roberts Harris became
the first Black woman to serve as U.S. Ambassador.

On this date in 1989 Jack Straddon, age 15, won the
first annual National Geography Bee.

On this date in 1992 Vice President Dan Quayle
pronounced a "poverty of values" in America's inner
cities.  He, in the same speech, denounced TV's Murphy
Brown for the decision to have a child fathered out of
wedlock.  We preachers have been denouncing (with
Bible authority, no less) such decisions for a couple
thousand years now, and the same people who
disapproved of his speech don't much care for ours'
either.

On this date in 1994 the FDA approved of the first
genetically-engineered tomato.

On this date in 1995 NASA's administrator unveiled
plans to slash thousands of aerospace jobs and to
overhaul the entire agency.

On this date in 1996 a large asteroid approached
within 281,000 miles of the earth -- it missed us,
though.

On this date in 2161 8 out of 9 planets in the solar
system are supposed to align on the same side of the
sun; this is a pattern known as syzygy.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Just like fingerprints, no two lip
prints are alike... In the United States a car is
stolen every thirty seconds... The busiest phone
number in New York City is 911 with about 18,000 calls
pouring in per day at a rate of 800 an hour.

TRIVIA:  Are there more than a million millionaires in
the United States?

      "In order to speak short upon any subject, think
long" H. H. Brackenridge).

*******************************************************

From a friend:  Sunday Morning With The Seven Dwarfs

Sleepy: "Oh I'm so tired! That party last night lasted
too long. I didn't get much rest. What if I nod off in
Bible class? I think I'll stay home."

Dopey: "I don't know whether I'll go or not. I want to
go, but I just don't know."

Sneezy: "I don't feel too good, and besides, I may
give my hay fever to someone; worse still, I may catch
something from someone. I'll stay in today."

Bashful: "I might not know everything in class. I hate
meeting so many new people. It's just too much to
expect of anyone."

Grumpy: "I don't like the teacher, and besides we're
studying a boring subject, and some of these people in
class well..."

Doc: "What a gorgeous day! It's a shame to waste such
a beautiful day for golf. I can miss just this one
Sunday, right?"

Happy: "Smile, brethren, and be happy and thankful for
the opportunity to go to Bible study to learn more
about God and His will for us. Smile and make someone
else happier as you go to Bible study with a smile on
your face."

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  EXPLANATION OF TAXES

I was having lunch with one of my favorite clients
last week and the conversation turned to the
government's recent round of tax cuts.  "I'm opposed
to those tax cuts," the retired college instructor
declared,
"because they benefit the rich. The rich get much more
money back than ordinary taxpayers like you and I and
that's not fair."

"But the rich pay more in the first place," I argued,
"so it stands to reason that they'd get more money
back." I could tell that my friend was unimpressed by
this meager argument. Even college instructors are a
prisoner of the myth that the "rich" somehow get a
free ride..  Nothing could be further from the truth.
Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

Suppose that everyday 10 men go to dinner. The bill
for all ten comes to $100. If it was paid the way we
pay our taxes, the first four men would pay nothing;
the fifth would pay $1; the sixth would pay $3; the
seventh
$7; the eighth $12; the ninth $18. The tenth man (the
richest) would pay $59.

The 10 men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and
seemed quite happy with the arrangement until the
owner threw them a curve. Since you are all such good
customers, he said, I'm going to reduce the cost of
your daily meal by $20. Now dinner for the 10 only
costs $80.

The first four are unaffected. They still eat for
free. Can you figure out how to divvy up the $20
savings among the remaining six so that everyone gets
his fair share? The men realize that $20 divided by 6
is $3.33, but if they subtract that from everybody's
share, then
the fifth man and the sixth man would end up being
paid to eat their meal.

The restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair
to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount
and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should
pay.

And so the fifth man paid nothing, the sixth pitched
in $2, the seventh paid $5, the eighth paid $9, the
ninth paid $12, leaving the tenth man with a bill of
$52 instead of $59. Outside the restaurant, the men
began
to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out the
$20," declared the sixth man pointing to the tenth,
"and he got $7!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. I only
saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got seven
times more than me! "That's true," shouted the seventh
man.  "Why should he get $7 back when I got  only $2?
The wealthy get all the breaks." "Wait a minute,"
yelled the first four men in unison.  "We didn't get
anything at all. The system exploits the poor."

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The
next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine
sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to
pay the bill, they discovered something important.
They were $52 short!

And that, boys and girls and college instructors, is
how the tax system works. The people who pay the
highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax
reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being
wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table
anymore.

There are lots of good restaurants in Switzerland and
the Caribbean.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  Yes -- indeed -- there are approximately
2,500,000.  That is approximately one out of every
hundred people.  If there are any receiving this note,
remember what Abraham gave Melchizedek when he met him
on the road...???

*******************************************************
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Saturday May 18, 2002!

TODAY IS "Visit Your Relatives Day" as well as
"International Museum Day".  So why not take your
relatives to the museum???

BIRTHDAYS:  Ezio Pinza, 1892; Frank Capra, 1897;
Meredith Wilson, 1902; Irene Hunt (children's author),
1907; Perry Como, 1912; Margot Fonteyn, 1919; Lillian
Hoban (children's illustrator), 1925; Pernell Roberts,
1928; Reggie Jackson, 1946.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1631 John Winthrop became the first
Governor of Massachusetts.

On this date in 1804 Napoleon became Emperor of
France.

On this date in 1852 Massachusetts became the first
state to make school attendance mandatory, for
children ages 8 to 14.

On this date in 1860 the Republican Party Convention
in Chicago nominated Abraham Lincoln as its candidate
for president.

On this date in 1910 Halley's comet was seen from the
earth.

On this date in 1917 the Selective Service, better
known to those eligible for the military as the "draft
board", was created.

On this date in 1933 the Tennessee Valley Authority
(TVA) was authorized.

On this date in 1953 Jacqueline Cochran became the
first woman pilot to fly faster than the speed of
sound.

On this date in 1962 American Al Oerter became the
first discus thrower to break the 200-feet barrier,
with a throw of 200' 5".

On this date in 1980 Mount St. Helens erupted.

On this date in 1989 the legislature of Lithuania, one
of the Soviet Baltic republics, adopted a declaration
seeking independence from the USSR.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  In 1993 Ireland's Eamon Coghlan
ran the mile in 3 minutes 58.15 seconds, becoming the
first man over 40 to run a mile in less than four
minutes... Half of all females and 30% of boys ages 6
to 12 cannot run a mile in less than 10 minutes... A
jogger's heel strikes the ground 1,500 times a mile.

TRIVIA:  Who is the only player in major league
baseball history to legally run the bases backwards
after hitting a home run?

      "Let thy speech be short, comprehending much in a
few words" (Ecclesiasticus).

*******************************************************

Thanks to PW:  YOU MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF...

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

The sound of Fran Drescher's voice doesn't bother you.

You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and yer afraid
to ever go on a camping trip.

For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.

You can name at least 4 hockey teams.

You don't know what a moon pie is.

You've never eaten Okra.

You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as
loud as you do.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a
gun-and-knife show.

You don't have any problems pronouncing
"Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on
a poodle.

You don't have bangs.

You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six
Flags.

You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere
around the house.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than
grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

You refer to two or more people as "you guys."

You think more money should go to important scientific
research at your university than to pay the salary of
the head football coach.

You prefer a bagel over a doughnut.

You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe
Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

You get freaked out when people in public talk to you.

None of your fur coats are made with real fur.

You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.

You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society
for ...(something)

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

Your idea of a perfect meal is "Lahbsta and Clam
Chawdah."

You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a
year.

Everything you know about the Civil War you learned
watching TV.

You don't "reckon."  You're not "fixin" to do
anything.

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  From the California Peace Officers'
Memorial, by retired Sgt. George Hahn, L. A. P. D.

I never dreamed it would be me,
      My name for all eternity,
Recorded here at this hallowed place,
      Alas, my name, no more my face.

"In the line of duty", I hear them say;
      My family now the price will pay,
My folded flag stained with their tears;
      We only had those few short years.

The badge no longer on my chest,
      I sleep now in eternal rest.
My sword I pass to those behind,
      And pray they keep this thought in mind.

I never dreamed it would be me,
      And with heavy heart and bended knee;
I ask for all here from the past,
      Dear God, let my name be the last.

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting
room where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you
will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news. After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male
brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not
to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but
some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out
the
question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male
brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to
the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing
procedure. We have to mark down the price of the
female brains, because they've actually been used."
SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS
YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

*******************************************************

From Andychapps:  Something Important To Tell You

I realized I had something important to tell you...
And I'd better just say it...
Now pay attention.. I am serious!
Don't worry, it's not that bad.
You've always been there for me...
...and never let me down...
And I never forgot about all the times you were
there...
So I figured I could tell you...
I might as well just get to the point!

Well...

I'm your FRIEND!
And don't you ever forget it!

*******************************************************

June Spivey -- Christian Reader, Vol. 34 (via
Heart-To-Heart).  SMILE

In our town's elementary school at the beginning of
the year, the school secretary routinely collects the
lunch money from the new kindergartners.  This solves
the problem of lost money.  But for nervour
5-year-olds, it took a few days to understand what was
happening.

For two days, the secretary would come into the room
and ask in a loud voice, "Does anybody have any lunch
money for me?"  Her question was met with no response.

On the third day, one little boy came in at the bell,
walked hesitantly to the teacher's desk, held out his
hand and whispered, "Here is lunch money from my piggy
bank for the poor lady nobody gives money to."

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  Jimmy Piersall -- While playing for the 1963
New York Mets, he did it to celebrate his 100th career
homer.  The next day the big league rulebook was
changed to make this illegal.

*******************************************************
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Friday May 17, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

BIRTHDAYS:  Physician Edward Jenner, 1749; Maureen
O'Sullivan, 1911; Eloise Greenfield (children's
author), 1929; Dennis Hopper, 1936; Sugar Ray Leonard,
1956.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 872 the Kingdom of Norway was founded.

On this date in 1503 Columbus discovered the Cayman
Islands.

On this date in 1620 the first merry-go-round was
introduced at a Turkish fair.

On this date in 1630 the Belts of Jupiter were first
recognized.

On this date in 1673 Father Jacques Marquette and
Louis Jolliet began exploring the Mississippi River.

On this date in 1792 the New York Stock Exchange was
founded.

On this date in 1845 the rubber band was patented.

On this date in 1875 the first Kentucky Derby was run
at Churchill Downs.

On this date in 1954 racial segregation in public
schools was declared unconstitutional.

On this date in 1955 Physicists Enrico Fermi and Leo
Szilard obtained a patent for the first atomic
reactor.

On this date in 1972 the Boston terrier became the
state dog of Massachusetts.

On this date in 1987 the U.S. Navy frigate STARK was
struck by missiles from an Iraqi warplane.  37
American sailors were killed.  President Saddam
Hussein issued an official apology.  Both nations
called the attack a mistake.  3 years later the U.S.
and Iraq were at war.

Today is Future Nurses' Day.

Today is International Museum Day.

This is National Transportation Week.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Cold-blooded animals do not
dream... Cows eat seven times more than sheep...
Reindeer are superb swimmers.

TRIVIA:  What was the distinction of the 1969
bestseller "Naked Came the Stranger"?

       "The opposite of love is not hate, it's
indifference" (Elie Wiesel).

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  Something to Offend Almost Everybody

1. What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row
Your Boat"

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A
different bar.

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office
is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

6. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the
animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

7. Deleted as unworthy

8. What's the difference between a northern fairytale
and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins
"Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."

9. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When
100
white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku
Klux Klan; Today they call it the PGA TOUR.

10. Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall
enough to go on the good rides

*******************************************************

Thanks to LM:  Redneck Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be
eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when
patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat
on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the
airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS and JLLH:  Fish and Chips Story

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a
monastery and request shelter there.  Fortunately,
she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the
best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she
goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met
by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this
is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank
you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were
the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who
cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns to the other brother and says, "Then you
must be... "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

*******************************************************

Thanks to LM:  Ladies' Bumper Stickers

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER
RICH.

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE
QUEEN.

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST
TIME.

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD
PEOPLE.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE
BODIES.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

*******************************************************

2 Very Funny from LM:

A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to
find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead
beast...

Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy answered, "Yes."

The hunter then asked, "How could a little bloke like
you kill a huge beast like that?"

Said the pigmy, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

*************************************

One night, a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend
home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by
his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots,
tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled
their daughter aside and confessed their concern.

"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't
seem very nice."

"Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why
would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?"

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  The book, which sold almost 100,000 hardcover
and 2,000,000 paperback, was a gag.  A group of 25
writers of "Newsday" slapped it together over one
weekend, each working on a separate chapter.  The book
was credited to Penelope Ashe, supposedly a Long
Island housewife.

*******************************************************

May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Thursday May 16, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

NOTE:  Check out the new archive at Yahoo Groups --
(address immediately above).  You need not be a member
there to see the archive etc.  If you do sign up
there, please let me know so you won't get double
copies of the list each day.  Thanks.  Tim

BIRTHDAYS:  William Seward (U.S. secretary of state
who promoted the purchase of Alaska from Russia),
1801; Elizabeth Palmer Peabody (American educator and
founder of the first English-speaking kindergarten in
America), 1804; Henry Fonda, 1905; author Studs
Terkel, 1912; Liberace, 1919; Betty Miles (children's
author), 1928; Billy Martin, 1928; gymnast Olga
Korbut, 1955; Jack Morris, 1955; Debra Winger, 1955;
John Salley (basketball star), 1964; Janet Jackson,
1966.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1801 William H. Seward was born in
Florida, New York.

On this date in 1866 a U.S. five-cent piece was
authorized.

On this date in 1868 the impeachment of President
Andrew Johnson failed.

On this date in 1875 the first Kentucky Derby took
place.

On this date in 1903 George Wyman left San Francisco
on the first transcontinental motorcycle trip.

On this date in 1929 the first Oscars were given out.

On this date in 1939 Rochester, N.Y., introduced the
first food stamp program.

On this date in 1973 the first flight of a
solar-powered balloon took place.

On this date in 1975 Junko Tabei became the first
woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest.

On this date in 1988 Richard Stokes became the first
black to join the Buckingham Palace Guard.

On this date in 1990 Muppet master Jim Henson died.

Today is Biographers Day.

This is National Egg Month.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  King Camp Gillette created the
safety razor with throwaway blades in 1895... The
electric razor was invented by Jacob Schick in 1928...
The average American spends about 3,500 hours shaving
in his/her lifetime.

TRIVIA:  Who was Margaret Herrick and what unique
place does she hold in the history of the Academy
Awards?

      "We feel free when we escape - even if it be but
from the frying pan to the fire" (Eric Hoffer).

*******************************************************

Thanks to J & W R:  I'm  glad you're in my dash.

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years. (1934-1998)

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars...the house...the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile..
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:

Children in church

A little child in church for the first time watched as
the ushers passed the offering plates. When they
neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so
that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm
under five."

*****

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After
the
service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a
man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so
quickly.

"How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop
said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

*****

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy
suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided
to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church
on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to
stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

*****

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer
at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes,
as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

*****

A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a
sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why,
God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing
things out?"

*****

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on.. Finally, she leaned over to her
mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money
now, will he let us go?"

*****

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat
of the car. His father asked him three times what was
wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want
to stay with you guys!"

*****

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me
frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a
good cook."

*****

A college drama group presented a play in which one
character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I
descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull
a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character
would plunge through. The play was well received. When
the actor playing the part became ill, another actor
who was quite overweight took his place.

When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!"
the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his
plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of
tugging on the rope could make him descend. One
student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!

*****

Preacher Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship
service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle,
Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy
told me how she finally got her son to sit still and
be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and
whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Preacher Charlton
is going to lose his place and will have to start his
sermon all over again!' It worked."

*****

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as
he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she
would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch
his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her
own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up,
"Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long
time ago."

"Oh,"she paused,

"Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey,"
he said, "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  She was a secretary who happened to remark
that the new statuette looked like her Uncle Oscar,
and the name stuck.  Years later she became executive
director of the academy.

*******************************************************
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Wednesday May 15, 2002

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html

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NOTE:  Check out the new archive at Yahoo Groups --
(address immediately above).  You need not be a member
there to see the archive etc.  If you do sign up
there, please let me know so you won't get double
copies of the list each day.  Thanks.  Tim

BIRTHDAYS:  L. Frank Baum (children's author who wrote
THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ and related books), 1856;
Pierre Curie (French physicist and co discoverer of
the element radium), 1859; James Mason, 1909; Eddy
Arnold, 1918; photographer Richard Avedon, 1923;
Jasper Johns (American artist), 1930; Anna Marie
Alberghetti, 1936; Trini Lopez, 1937; George Brett,
1953; Joey Browner, 1960.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

Today is Peace Officers' Memorial Day.

Today is Police Memorial Day.

Today is Straw Hat Day.

On this date in 1602 English explorer Bartholomew
Gosnold discovered Cape Cod.

On this date in 1862 the U.S. Department of
Agriculture was established.

On this date in 1862 the first baseball stadium opened
in Brooklyn, N.Y.

On this date in 1918 the first experimental airmail
route in the U.S. was started.

On this date in 1924 the U.S. Congress instituted
immigration quotas.

On this date in 1930 Ellen Church, the first "air
hostess", greeted passengers aboard a United Airlines
flight between California and Wyoming.

On this date in 1940 Nylon stockings went on sale for
the first time.

On this date in 1941 Baseball player Joe DiMaggio
began his record-breaking 56-game hitting streak.

On this date in 1942 wartime gasoline rationing began,
with most people limited to 3 gallons a week.

On this date in 1989 the apple industry agreed to stop
using the chemical "alar", a ripening and preserving
agent, because of its suspected carcinogenic effects.


MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The higher a plane flies, the less
fuel it uses as the atmosphere is thinner and the
vehicle meets less resistance... The wingspan of a
Boeing 747 is greater than the entire flying distance
of the Wright Brothers famous first foray into the
wild blue yonder... Just in case you weren't sure, of
the Wright brothers, it was Orville who made the first
airplane flight, at 10:35 A.M. on December 17, 1903.

TRIVIA:  Where did author L. Frank Baum get the name
for Oz, his magical land over the rainbow?

      "The best way to escape from a problem is to
solve it" (Brendan Francis).

*******************************************************

One from the archive -- Thanks to a friend:  PSALM 23

There once was a Shakespearean actor who was known
everywhere for his one-man shows of readings and
recitations from the classics. He would always end his
performance with a reading of Psalm 23.

Each night, without exception, as the actor began his
recitation "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not
want"... the crowd would listen attentively. And then,
at the conclusion of the psalm, they would rise in
thunderous applause in appreciation of the actor's
incredible ability to bring the verse to life.

But one night, just before the actor was to offer his
customary recital of Psalm 23, a young man from the
audience spoke up. "Sir, do you mind if tonight I
recite Psalm 23"?

The actor was quite taken aback by this unusual
request, but he allowed the young man to come forward
and stand front and center on the stage to recite the
Psalm, knowing that the ability of this unskilled
youth would be no match for his own talent.

With a soft voice, the young man began to recite the
words of the Psalm. When he was finished, there was no
applause. There was no standing ovation as on other
nights. All that could be heard was the sound of
weeping. The audience had been so moved by the young
man's recitation that every eye was full of tears.

Amazed by what he had heard, the actor said to the
youth, "I don't understand. I have been performing
Psalm 23 for years. I have a lifetime of experience
and training-but I have never been able to move an
audience as you have tonight. Tell me, what is your
secret?"

The young man quietly replied, "Well sir, you know the
Psalm. I know the Shepherd."  -- Author Unknown

*******************************************************

Thanks to M/M Riverrats:  Matter of Perception

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son
on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of
showing his son how poor people can be.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of
what would be considered a very poor family.On the
return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How
was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad."

"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father
asked.

"Oh yeah," answered the son.

"So, what did you learn from the trip?"

The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they
had four.  We have a pool that reaches to the middle
of our garden, and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden, and they have
the stars at night. We have a small piece of land to
live on, and they have fields that go beyond our
sight.  We have servants who serve us, but they serve
others.  We buy our food, but they grow theirs.  We
have walls around our property to protect us; they
have friends to protect them."

With this the boy's father was speechless. Then his
son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we
are."

*******************************************************

Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- NOTE:  If you are overly
sensitive, easily offended, or prone to write notes to
complain, please skip this one...

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a
three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all
died and went to heaven together. Oh, this is
terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think
we summoned you here, but this is just one of those
coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting
you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take
you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer,
this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here.
They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we
gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could
put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of
days.  What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, Two days
later... St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer.
Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope
fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is
saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised
enough  money to buy air conditioning."

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS for an old favorite:  WW III

George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House
dinner. One of the guests walks over to them and asks
what they're discussing. "We are making up the plans
for World War III", says Bush.

"Wow", says the guest. "And what are the plans?"

"We're gonna kill 14 million Arabs and one dentist",
answers Bush.

The guest looks to be a bit confused. "One...dentist?"
he says.  "Why will you kill one dentist?"

Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says, "What did I
tell you? Nobody is gonna ask about the Arabs."

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  Baum got it from a filing cabinet drawer,
O-Z.

*******************************************************
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Tuesday may 14, 2002!

BIRTHDAYS: Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit (Dutch instrument
maker who developed the Fahrenheit thermometric
scale), 1686; Thomas Gainsborough (English portrait
and landscape painter), 1727; George Selden
(children's author), 1929; George Lucas (American
movie director and producer), 1944; David Byrne (rock
musician and songwriter), 1952; Jose Martinez, 1955;
Mike Quick, 1959; Walter Berry, 1964.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1796 the first smallpox vaccination
was administered by Dr. Edward Jenner.

On this date in 1804 the Lewis and Clark expedition
set out from St. Louis, MO.

On this date in 1853 Gail Borden applied for a U.S.
Patent for his process for making condensed milk.  His
process turned out to be a cash cow as it was
eventually marketed by a company -- no coincidence
here -- called Borden.

On this date in 1897 John Philip Sousa's march "The
Stars and Stripes Forever" was performed for the first
time.

On this date in 1904 the first Olympics held in the
United States opened in St. Louis, MO.

On this date in 1930 Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico
became a national park.

On this date in 1942 the Women's Auxiliary Army Corps
(WAACs) was founded.

On this date in 1955 the Warsaw Pact, which created a
military alliance among the Soviet Union and seven
Eastern European nations, was signed.

On this date in 1963 the first solar-powered airplane
was patented.

On this date in 1973 SKYLAB ONE, America's first
manned space station, was launched.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  100 million Americans drink three
cups of coffee daily... Rice is eaten by one half of
all the people in the world every day... Over 100
million Americans are on a diet on any given day.

TRIVIA:  Can you identify these behind the scenes
voices?  A. Charlie from "Charlie's Angels"; B. The
voice of God in the 1966 film, "The Bible"; C. The
narrator of television's "Untouchables".

     Walter Winchell said, "Gossip is the art of saying
nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing
unsaid."

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  Fishy Trip

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have
been asked to go  fishing  at a big lake up in Canada
with my boss and several of his  friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity
for me to get that  promotion I've been wanting so
would you please pack me enough clothes  for a week
and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from
the  office  and I will swing by the house to pick my
things up. Oh! please pack  my new  blue silk
pajamas".

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being
a good wife she  does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but

otherwise looking  good. The wife welcomes him home
and asks if he caught many fish?  He  says, "Yes! lots
of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why
didn't  you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked
you to do?"  The wife replies; "I did, they were in
your tacklebox".

*******************************************************

Thanks to LM:  Four favorites...

You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If:

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members
knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering," five guys and two women stand
up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a
hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

Baptism is referred to as "branding."

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic
tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to
howling.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with
the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56
Chevy.

*******************************************************

DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was a
very large mammal its throat was very small. The
little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could
not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

*******************************************************

Redneck Letter

Dear Billy joe Bob,

I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read
fast. We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I
won't be able to send you the address because the last
family that lived here took the house numbers when
they moved so they wouldn't have to change their
address.

This place is really nice. I even has a washing
machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last
week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain,
we haven't seen it since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last
week; the first time for three days and the second
time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle

Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them
in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get me
and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't
found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an
aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week.

Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off
and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three
days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup
truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window
and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the
back, they drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  A. John Forsythe; B. John Huston, who also
directed; C. Walter Winchell.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
hate to see you go, but if you must -- just let us
know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************

May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Monday May 13, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

NOTE:  Check out the new archive at Yahoo Groups --
(address immediately above).  You need not be a member
there to see the archive etc.  If you do sign up
there, please let me know so you won't get double
copies of the list each day.  Thanks.  Tim

BIRTHDAYS:  Composer Sir Arthur Sullivan, 1842; Joe
Louis, 1914; Beatrice Arthur, 1926; Mary Wells, 1943;
Peter Gabriel, 1950; Stevie Wonder, 1951; Dennis
Rodman, 1961.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1607 Jamestown, Virginia was founded.

On this date in 1940 Winston Churchill rallied England
to battle with the statement:  "I have nothing to
offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat."

On this date in 1950 the first Diner's Club credit
card was issued.

On this date in 1992 the crew of the shuttle ENDEAVOR
walked in space to rescue a damaged satellite.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  In 1915 the average annual
American family income was $687... Female canaries do
not sing... "The Ballad of Davy Crockett" was dashed
off when frantic producers discovered their show was
going to run a few minutes short.  It went on to sell
over ten million records.

TRIVIA:  In which mid-sixties movie did Stevie Wonder
make his film debut?

*******************************************************

Thanks to BC:  WHY GOD MADE MOTHERS

By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his
sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and
said "Why are you spending so much time on this one"?

And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the
spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable,
but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all
replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a
lap that can hold three children at one time and that
disappears when she stands up, have a kiss that can
cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart,
and have six pairs of hands."

The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this
one. "Six pairs of hands! No Way!", said the Angel.

The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the
problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers
must have!"

"And that's just on the standard model?" the Angel
asked.

The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yep, one pair of eyes
are to see through the closed door as she asks her
children what they are doing even though she already
knows. Another pair in the back of her head, are to
see what she needs to know even though no one thinks
she can. And the third pair are here in the front of
her head. They are for looking at an errant child and
saying that she understands and loves him or her
without even saying a single word."

The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much
work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I can't!" The Lord protested, "I am so close to
finishing this creation that is so close to my own
heart. She already heals herself when she's sick AND
can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and
can get a nine year old to stand in the shower. "

The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you
have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made
her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or
accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the Angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason, and negotiate."

The Angel then noticed something and reached out and
touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you
have a leak with this model. I told you that you were
trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak." The Lord objected. "That's a
tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the Angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her
joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her
loneliness, her grief, and her pride."

The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You
thought of everything; for mothers are truly amazing!"

Bobby Cohoon

*******************************************************

Thanks to a friend:  A WOMAN OF STRENGTH

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in
shape, but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to
keep her soul in shape.....

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything... but a woman
of strength shows courage in the midst of her
fear.....

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her...
but a woman of strength gives the best of her to
everyone.....

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in
the future.... a woman of strength realizes life's
mistakes can also be God's blessings and capitalizes
on them......

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her
face.... but a woman of strength wears grace.....

A strong woman walks sure-footedly.... but a woman of
strength knows God will catch her when she falls....

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for
the journey.... but a woman of strength has faith that
it is in the journey that she will become strong
through her faith in God.....

*******************************************************

Thanks to a friend:  A history of Mother's Day

By HOLLY HILDEBRAND Houston Chronicle Interactive

The first celebrations in honor of mothers were held
in the spring in ancient Greece. They paid tribute to
Rhea, the Mother of the Gods. During the 17th century,
England honored mothers on "Mothering Sunday,"
celebrated on the fourth Sunday of Lent.

In the United States, Julia Ward Howe suggested the
idea of Mother's Day in 1872. Howe, who wrote the
words to the Battle Hymn of the Republic, saw Mother's
Day as being dedicated to peace.

Anna Jarvis of Philadelphia is credited with bringing
about the official observance of Mother's Day. Her
campaign to establish such a holiday began as a
remembrance of her mother, who died in 1905 and who
had, in the late 19th century, tried to establish
"Mother's Friendship Days" as a way to heal the scars
of the Civil War.

Two years after her mother died, Jarvis held a
ceremony in Grafton, W. Va., to honor her. She was so
moved by the proceedings that she began a massive
campaign to adopt a formal holiday honoring mothers.
In 1910, West Virginia became the first state to
recognize Mother's Day. A year later, nearly every
state officially marked the day. In 1914, President
Woodrow Wilson officially proclaimed Mother's Day as a
national holiday to be held on the second Sunday of
May.

But Jarvis' accomplishment soon turned bitter for her.
Enraged by the commercialization of the holiday, she
filed a lawsuit to stop a 1923 Mother's Day festival
and was even arrested for disturbing the peace at a
war mothers' convention where women sold white
carnations -- Jarvis' symbol for mothers -- to raise
money. "This is not what I intended," Jarvis said. "I
wanted it to be a day of sentiment, not profit!"

When she died in 1948, at age 84, Jarvis had become a
woman of great ironies. Never a mother herself, her
maternal fortune dissipated by her efforts to stop the
commercialization of the holiday she had founded,
Jarvis told a reporter shortly before her death that
she was sorry she had ever started Mother's Day. She
spoke these words in a nursing home where every
Mother's Day her room had been filled with cards from
all over the world.

Today, because and despite Jarvis' efforts, many
celebrations of Mother's Days are held throughout the
world. Although they do not all fall at the same time,
such countries as Denmark, Finland, Italy, Turkey,
Australia and Belgium also celebrate Mother's Day on
the same day as the United States.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  "Little" Stevie Wonder was in "Muscle Beach
Party" with Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello.  He
was such a hit they brought him back for "Bikini
Beach".

*******************************************************
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Sunday May 12, 2002 -- Mothers
Day!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

NOTE:  Check out the new archive at Yahoo Groups --
(address immediately above).  You need not be a member
there to see the archive etc.  If you do sign up
there, please let me know so you won't get double
copies of the list each day.  Thanks.  Tim

BIRTHDAYS:  Florence Nightingale, 1820; Yogi Berra,
1925; Burt Bacharach, 1929; Tom Snyder, 1936; George
Carlin, 1937; Steve Winwood, 1948; Bruce Boxleitner,
1951; Emilio Estevez, 1962.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1896 the New York City Department of
Health passed a law prohibiting spitting.

On this date in 1926 Roald Amundsen reached the North
Pole in a dirigible.

On this date in 1949 the Soviet land blockade of West
Berlin ended.

On this date in 1978 the Commerce Department announced
that hurricanes would no longer be named exclusively
after women.

On this date in 1980 the first nonstop crossing of
North America in a hot air balloon was made.

On this date in 1985 Amy Eilberg became the first
female rabbi in the Conservative Jewish movement.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Florence Nightingale kept her pet
owl in her pocket at all times... There is a separate
silk strand for each kernel on an ear of corn... On a
single ear of corn, there is almost always an even
number of rows.

TRIVIA:  What vegetable do you discard the outside,
cook the inside, eat the outside and chuck the inside?

*******************************************************

From a friend:  Things I've Learned From My Children
(Honest and No Kidding)

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a
2,000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over
them with  roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor
is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing
Batman underwear and a Superman  cape. It is strong
enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of
a 20X20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan
is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw
the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A
ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh",
it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of
it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in
the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an
overcast day.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract
of a four-year-old.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the
same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool
you still can't  walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic
toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute
response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earth worms dizzy.  It will however make cats dizzy
and cats throw up twice their body  weight when dizzy.

*******************************************************

Thanks to a friend:  Mother Humor

Did you know that if shop mannequins were real women
they'd be too thin to have babies?

There are 3 billion women who don't look like
supermodels and only eight who do.

Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14.

If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all
fours due to her proportions.

The average woman weighs 144 lbs and wears between a
12-14.

One out of every four college aged women has an eating
disorder.

The models in the magazines are airbrushed - not
perfect!

A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes
spent looking at a fashion magazine caused 70% of
women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful.

Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the
average woman.Today they weigh 23% less.

Today women are lovers, mothers, and career women. Who
else is able to balance such a load, and do it with a
smile?

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,
because that is the doorway to her heart, The place
where love resides. The beauty of a woman is reflected
in her soul. It is the care that she lovingly gives,
the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman,
with passing years - only grows.

*******************************************************

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me logic: "If you fall off that swing
and break your  neck, you can't go to the store with
me."

My mother taught me medicine: "If you don't stop
crossing your eyes,  they're going to freeze that
way."

My mother taught me E.S.P.: "Put your sweater on;
don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me humor: "When that lawn mower cuts
off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me patience: "Sure, you can do
that--as soon as you're 21 and leave the house!"

My mother taught me diplomacy: "I don't want to hear
who started it. It takes two to fight."

My mother taught me sharing: "Play nicely with that or
I'll just take away from both of you."

But most of all, my mother taught me love: "You know
that whatever you do or whatever happens, I'll stand
behind you because I love you." --Author unknown.

*******************************************************

From Leroy Sedgwick's Bulletin -- coc901@...

A TRIBUTE TO MOTHERS

She could not paint, nor write, nor rhyme
         Her footprints on the sands of time,
As some distinguished women do;
         Just simple things of life she knew ?
Like tucking little folks in bed,
         Or soothing someone?s aching head.

She was no singer, neither blessed
         With any special loveliness
To win applause and passing fame;
         No headlines ever blazed her name.
But, oh, she was a shining light
         To all her loved ones, day and night!

Her home her kingdom, she its queen;
         Her reign was faithful, honest clean,
Impartial, loving, just, to each
         And every one she sought to teach.
Her name? Of course, there is no other
         In all the world so sweet -- just Mother!

                                    MAY ALLREAD BAKER

"A mother is the only person on earth who can divide
her love among ten children and each child still have
all her love."

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  Corn on the cob.

*******************************************************

May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Saturday May 11, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

BIRTHDAYS:  Irving Berlin, 1888; Martha Graham, 1894;
Salvador Dali, 1904; Phil Silvers, 1912; Denver Pyle,
1920; Mort Sahl, 1927; Doug McClure, 1935; Randy
Quaid, 1950.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1752 the first United States fire
insurance policy was issued.

On this date in 1858 Minnesota became the 32nd state.

On this date in 1911 Glacier National Park was
established.

On this date in 1949 Israel became a member of the
United Nations.

On this date in 1950 President Harry Truman dedicated
the Grand Coulee Dam in Washington State.

On this date in 1986 Fred Markham set a world speed
record for a human-powered vehichle.  He pedaled a
streamlined, enclosed bicycle 65.484 mph.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  It takes about a yard of sugar
cane to make one sugar cube... The record for spitting
a watermelon seed is 65 feet, 4 inches... Spinach
loses fifty percent of its vitamin C content within 24
hours after being picked.

TRIVIA:  What is the only team in American pro sports
to be named after an insect?

      "You get indigestion when a square meal doesn't
fit in a round stomach" (anonymous).

*******************************************************

From a friend:  What Satan Fears Most

What Satan fears most is a man on his knees;
Not vast marching armies with great weaponry.
He knows he can stand against the power of men;
To engage us in battle is mere sport to him.
But a man on his knees with his head bowed in prayer
Is something quite different, To the prince of the
air.
For when he sees us in prayer to our God most high,
He knows we have seen through his devilish lies.
That's why Satan fears most a man on his knees;
And we'll keep him trembling if our prayers never
cease.    Author Unknown

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  Two Seeds

Two Seeds lay side by side in  the fertile Spring
soil.
The First Seed said, "I want to grow! I want to send
my roots deep into the soil beneath me, and thrust my
sprouts through the earth's crust above me . .  I want
to unfurl my tender buds like banners to announce the
arrival of Spring. I want to feel the warmth of the
sun on my face and the blessing of the morning dew on
my petals!" And so she grew. The Second Seed said, "I
am afraid! If I send my roots into the ground below, I
don't know what I will encounter in the dark. If I
push my way through the hard soil above me I may
damage my delicate sprouts . . . what if I let my buds
open and a snail tries to eat them? And if I were to
open my blossoms, a small child may pull me from the
ground. No, it is much better for me to wait until it
is safe." And so she waited. A yard Hen, scratching
around for food in the early Spring ground, found the
waiting seed and promptly ate it. Those of us who
refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life.
Unknown

*******************************************************

From a friend:

When Robert Ingersoll, the notorious skeptic, was in
his heyday, two college students went to hear him
lecture. As they walked down the street after the
lecture, one said to the other, Well, I guess he
knocked the props out from under Christianity, didn't
the? The other said, "No, I don't think he did.

Ingersoll did not explain my mother's life, and until
he can explain my mother's life I will stand by my
mother's God." James S. Hewett, Illustrations
Unlimited, Tyndale, 1972, p. 381

*******************************************************

From The Beacon (ed. M. Hatcher) -- It Was His
Birthday

It was grandfather's birthday.  He was seventy-nine.
He got up early, shaved, showered, combed his hair and
put on his Sunday best so that he could look his best
when they came.

He skipped his daily walk to the town cafe where he
always had coffee with his cronies.  He wanted to be
home when they came.  He put his chair on the sidewalk
so he could get a better view of the street where they
would drive up to help him celebrate his birthday.

At noon, he got tired, but decided to forgo his nap so
that he could be there when they came.  The rest of
the afternoon he spent near the telephone so he could
answer it when they called.

He had five married children, thirteen grandchildren,
and three great grandchildren.  One son and daughter
live within ten miles of his place.  They had not
visited him in a long time.  But today was his
birthday, and they were sure to come.

At suppertime, he left the cake untouched so they
could have desert with him.  After supper, he sat on
the porch waiting.

At eight thirty, he went to his room to prepare for
bed.  Before retiring, he left a note on the door:
"Be sure to wake me when you come!"

It was grandfather's birthday.  He was seventy-nine.

*******************************************************

From a friend:  SMILE... YOU'RE A PARENT!?!

1. Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a
duck.

2. Raising teenagers is a lot like nailing JELL-O(R)
to a tree.

3. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids
in touch.

4. Your life's "Golden Age" is the period in your life
when your kids are too old to require a babysitter and
too young to take the car.

5. Shouting at your children to get cooperation is
about the same as steering your car using the horn...
same results.

6. To be in your children's memories tomorrow, one
must be in their lives today.

7. The best advice regarding raising your children is
to really enjoy them while they are still on your
side.

8. Warm hearts, not cold words nor hot heads, best
maintains a home's temperature.

9. "The Joy of Motherhood": What a woman experiences
after she puts the last tyke to bed.

10. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a
middle name is so that he or she can tell when they
are REALLY in trouble.

11. Your children may outgrow your lap... but NEVER
your heart.

12. God gave you two ears and only one mouth, so that
you may listen twice as much as you speak.

13. The only true child experts are those that do not
yet have any of their own.

14. Cleaning house with the children at home is a lot
like snow-blowing during a blizzard.

15. There are only two things that your child is
absolutely willing to share: communicable diseases and
their mother's age.

16. Why is it that we can't get a child to read the
Bible at home, but when in prison they will!

17. Remember this? "When you grow up and have children
of your own, I hope that they are JUST LIKE YOU!" It
worked.

18. How come your dad never had money for the ice
cream man but after a visit with Grandpa, your kids
"jingle"?

19. True genetics have nothing to do with hair and eye
color. It's the occurrence of such things as "Who said
life was FAIR?", and "Because I SAID so!" when you
promised you'd never use those words on your kids.

20. Practice what you preach even covers never letting
them see you snag those Ding Dongs for breakfast.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  The NBA's Charlotte Hornets -- The name,
selected in a 1988 contest, refers to a letter British
General Charles Cornwallis sent to the king of England
from the Carolinas during the Revolutionary War.  In
it  he wrote, "This place is like fighting in a
hornet's nest."

*******************************************************
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Friday May 10, 2002!

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NOTE:  Check out the new archive at Yahoo Groups --
(address immediately above).  You need not be a member
there to see the archive etc.  If you do sign up
there, please let me know so you won't get double
copies of the list each day.  Thanks.  Tim

BIRTHDAYS:  Robert Gray (American sea captain who was
the first seaman to carry the flag of the new United
States around the world), 1775; Composer Dimitri
Tiomkin, 1894; Fred Astaire, 1899; David O. Selznick,
1902; pediatrician T. Berry Brazleton, 1918; Nancy
Walker, 1922; Ara Parseghian, 1923; Gary Owens, 1936;
Rony Seikaly, 1965.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1620 Mary Honeywood of Kent, England,
died at the age of 93.  She had 16 children, 114
grandchildren, 228 great-grandchildren, and 9
great-great-grandchildren.

On this date in 1869 the Golden Spike was driven in
Promontory, Utah to complete the first
transcontinental railroad.

On this date in 1872 Victoria Woodhull became the
first female presidential candidate, receiving the
nomination of the National Radical Reformers.

On this date in 1876 the Centennial Exposition opened
in Philadelphia.  Nine million visitors attended, each
paying $0.50 admission.

On this date in 1924 J. Edgar Hoover was named the
first director of the FBI.

On this date in 1930 Chicago's Adler Planetarium
became the first Planetarium in the United States.

On this date in 1933 a group of fanatics thought they
could kill some ideas by burning some books.  The
German Nazis burned all the books of which they
disapproved -- some 20,000 of them.

On this date in 1940 Winston Churchill became Prime
Minister of Great Britain.

On this date in 1981 Francois Mitterand was elected.

On this date in 1994 Nelson Mandela was sworn in as
South Africa's first native-African president.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Fred Astaire was allergic to
feathers... Ivory soap babies who went on to big
things include Brook Sheilds and musician Dr. John...
Josephine Esther Mentzer underwent a cosmetic
name-change to Estee Lauder.

TRIVIA:  Walt Disney received one big Oscar and seven
small Oscars at the 1938 Academy Awards.  What were
they for?

      Birthday-boy Fred Astaire said, "The hardest job
kids face today is learning good manners without
seeing any."  Give it some thought...

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  Little known fact....

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England.  In fact, the
"Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was
to be the next port of call for the great ship after
New York.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about the stuff,
were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate
at the loss. So much so that they declared a National
Day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as... Sinko de Mayo

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  Hmmmmmmmmm

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing
boat together, it was the husband who was behind the
wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what
might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the
lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel,
dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You
must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living
room where her husband was watching television. She
sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and
said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear.
Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table,
cook dinner and wash the dishes."

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage,
hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it.
Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to
climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the
stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After
awhile, another ape makes an attempt with the same
result -- all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

This continues through several more attempts. Pretty
soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the
other apes all try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the
cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees
the banana and wants to climb the stairs.

To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After
another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries
to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and
replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the
stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes
part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace
a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes
it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the
four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not
permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are
participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes,
all the apes originally sprayed with cold water have
been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again
approaches the stairs.  Why not? Because that's the
way they've always done it, and that's the way it's
always been around here.

And that's how company policy begins.

*******************************************************

From Joke-du-jour:  "You A True Elementary School
Teacher If..."

1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their
scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from
the edge of the table?

3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as
you enter a theater with a group of friends?

4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?"

6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes
ahead of you in a checkout line?

7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the
mechanic who repairs your car nice?

8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the
mechanic who fails to repair your car to your
satisfaction?

9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you
look up a number in the phone book?

10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat
everything?

11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins
as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?

12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has
something to share with the group?

* If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your
soul--you are hooked on teaching.  And if you're not a
teacher, you missed your calling.

* If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it's
*too much* in your soul--you should probably begin
thinking about retirement.

* If you answered yes to all 12, forget it -- you'll
*always* be a teacher, retired or not!

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
hate to see you go, but if you must -- just let us
know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************


=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Thursday May 9, 2002!

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NOTE:  Check out the new archive at Yahoo Groups --
(address immediately above).  You need not be a member
there to see the archive etc.  If you do sign up
there, please let me know so you won't get double
copies of the list each day.  Thanks.  Tim

SPECIAL NOTE:  Some of the recipients of this list
have been moved to Yahoo! Groups.  The reason for the
move was to save me effort and time -- as my ISP
limits the number of emails that can be sent out at
one time and Yahoo! has a limit (recently imposed) on
how many may be sent out in one hour.  If you do not
wish to be included in the Yahoo! Groups list and
would prefer to go back to the old system (many still
receive the list that way), just email me and I'll
make the necessary changes.  Thanks.  Tim

BIRTHDAYS:  Abolitionist John Brown, 1800; author Sir
James M. Barrie (Scottish novelist and creator of
Peter Pan), 1860; Howard Carter (English Egyptologist
who discovered the tomb of King Tutankhamen), 1873;
William Pene Du Bois (children's author), 1916; Mike
Wallace, 1918; Candice Bergen, 1946; Billy Joel, 1949;
Tony Gwynn, 1960.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1502 Christopher Columbus began his
fourth and final voyage to the New World.

On this date in 1754 the first political cartoon
published in an American newspaper, titled 'Join or
Die,' appeared in Benjamin Franklin's PENNSYLVANIA
GAZETTE.

On this date in 1783 the first Purple Hearts were
awarded to Sergeants Daniel Bissell, William Brown and
Elijah Churchill.

On this date in 1899 John Burr of Agawam, Mass.,
patented the lawn mower.

On this date in 1914 President Woodrow Wilson
proclaimed the designation of the first national
observance of Mother's Day.

On this date in 1923 Judge John C. Knox struck down a
law that prevented doctors from prescribing more than
one pint of liquor for each patient every ten days.
The New York Times said that there was "...no reason
why a physician, in the legitimate exercise of his
discretion should not hold a man needed a highball or
a glass of wine or beer as a stimulant after a hard
day's manual work or nervous strain."

On this date in 1926 Lt. Commander Richard E. Byrd
flew "near" the North Pole.

On this date in 1927, days before Charles Lindbergh's
historic transatlantic flight, two French airmen,
Charles Nungesser and Francios Coli, disappeared
during an attempted transatlantic flight from France
to New York.

On this date in 1944 the first "eye bank" opened.

On this date in 1961 Newton N. Minow referred to the
quality of television programming as a "vast
wasteland."

On this date in 1988 fire fighters in Warren, Michigan
rescued 14 ducklings trapped in a sewer.

On this date in 1990 a group of sixth graders won an
invention contest with a no-drip ice cream cone.

Today is Windmill Day in Holland.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  Umbrellas have a life span of two
and a half years... Early watches had only one hand
which indicated the hour... Candice Bergen,
television's "Murphy Brown", was once offered a slot
on "60 Minutes".

TRIVIA:  What was the shortest month on record?

      "I remind you, sir, that extreme patriotism in
the defense of liberty is no vice, and moderation in
the pursuit of justice no virtue" (Marcus Tullius
Cicero, 106 - 43 BC).

*******************************************************

Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Peel and Win

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a
"peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's
peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor
home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says,

"That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor
home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have
won a motor home because we didn't have that as a
prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a
motor home!" And she hands the ticket to the manager
and he reads... WIN A BAGEL

*******************************************************

Thanks to Crusader:  Church Marquee Signs

The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

Under same management for over 2000 years!

Soul food served here.

Tithe if you love Jesus!  Anyone can honk!

Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.

Don't give up.  Moses was once a basket case.

Life has many choices. Eternity has two.  What's
yours?

Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!

Prevent truth decay.  Brush up on your Bible.

It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.

What part of "Thou Shalt Not"  don't you understand?

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

The wages of sin is death.

Repent before payday.

Never give the devil a ride.

He will always want to drive.

Can't Sleep?  Try counting your blessings.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!

Satan subtracts and divides.
God multiplies and multiplies.

To belittle is to be little.

Don't let the littleness in others bring out the
littleness in you.

God answers knee-mail.

Try Jesus.  If you don't like Him, the devil will
always take you back.

*******************************************************

From a friend:  Misunderstanding...

First Woman: "My husband is getting me a boat for my
birthday."

Second Woman: "How do you know?"

First Woman:  "I overheard him say that I was getting
a little dingy."

*******************************************************

Thanks to LM:  Fun with Math

37 X 3= 111

37 X 6= 222

37 X 9= 333

37 X 12=444

37 X 15=555

37 X 18=666

37 X 21=777

37 X 24=888

37 X 27=999

******************

37037 X 3=111111

37037 X 6=222222

37037 X 9=333333

37037 X 12=444444

37037 X 15=555555

37037 X 18=666666

37037 X 21=777777

37037 X 24=888888

37037 X 27=999999

*******************

9 X 9 + 7=88

9 X 98 + 6=888

9 X 987 + 5=8888

9 X 9876 + 4=88888

9 X 98765 + 3=888888

9 X 987654 + 2=8888888

9 X 9876543 + 1=88888888

9 X 98765432 + 0=888888888

***************************************

1 X 8 + 1=9

12 X 8 + 2=98

123 X 8 + 3=987

1234 X 8 + 4=9876

123456 X 8 + 6=987654

1234567 X 8 + 7=9876543

12345678 X 8 + 8=98765432

123456789 X 8 + 9=987654321

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  September, 1752 -- During the switch from the
Gregorian to the Julian calendar, eleven days were
dropped from the month.  That means absolutely nothing
happened between September 3 and September 13 of that
year.  That would also make 1752 the shortest "year"
on record.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
hate to see you go, but if you must -- just let us
know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************

=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Wednesday May 8, 2002!

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http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html

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NOTE:  Check out the new archive at Yahoo Groups --
(address immediately above).  You need not be a member
there to see the archive etc.  If you do sign up
there, please let me know so you won't get double
copies of the list each day.  Thanks.  Tim

BIRTHDAYS:  Miguel Hidalgo (Mexican priest known as
the "Father of Mexican independence"), 1753; Jean
Henri Dunant, 1828; Harry S Truman, 1884; naturalist
David Attenborough, 1926; Don Rickles, 1926; Peter
Benchley, 1940; Ricky Nelson, 1940; Toni Tennille,
1943; Melissa (Laura Ingalls Wilder on TV) Gilbert,
1964.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1541 the Spanish explorer Hernando De
Soto sighted the Mississippi River.

On this date in 1864 the Geneva Convention established
the International Committee of the Red Cross.

On this date in 1877 the first dog show was held at
the Hippodrome in New York.

On this date in 1879 George Selden filed for the first
patent for an automobile.

On this date in 1886 Dr. John Pemberton of Atlanta,
Georgia invented and first sold Coca Cola.

On this date in 1915 Regret became the first filly to
win a Kentucky Derby.

On this date in 1945 Victory in Europe was declared
officially and VE Day was appointed to celebrate it.

On this date in 1961 the first seawater conversion
plant opened.

On this date in 1973 American Indian Movement
militants surrendered to government officials at
Wounded Knee, South Dakota.

On this date in 1978 Reinhold Messner completed the
first ascent of Mt. Everest with no supplemental
oxygen.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  A died-in-the-wool Democrat, Harry
Truman refused to have anything to do with Dumbo the
Elephant on a 1957 visit to Disneyland... President
Roosevelt nicknamed his political advisors the Tennis
Cabinet... The president and vice-president of the
United States are not allowed to travel together.

TRIVIA:  What does the S in Harry S Truman stand for?

      Harry S Truman said, "I have found the best way
to give advice to your children is to find out what
they want and then advise them to do it."

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  The word "HELLO" means:
H = How are you?
E = Everything all right?
L = Like to hear from you
L = Love to see you soon!
O = Obviously, I miss you.
So, HELLO!  It has made me smile every time I say
hello since then.  So send this message to the people
you care about and say HELLO to them!

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  MARRIAGE

You have two choices in life: you can stay single and
be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."
W.W.Renwick
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then
when you see what the other person has, you wish you
had ordered that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?"  The other women replied, "Yes I am,  I
married the wrong man."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you."  She replied,
"Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband
wanted".  Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother
and
said, "I've found aman just like father!" Her mother
replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
revenge than to let her  keep him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The
rest cheat in Europe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real

happiness was until I got married; by then it was too
late."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you
married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A
billionaire."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope
over experience.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you
start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and
so does she.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about
marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say
anything I want to around the house. Of course,  no
one pays the least bit of attention.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way
to get your laundry done for free.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are beautiful.

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:   10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1.  AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the
ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your
toes.

2.  CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act,
when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of
lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking
it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give
the vacuum one more chance.

3.  DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the
piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the
floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow
'remove' all the germs.

4.  ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people
maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5.  FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that
refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps
backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6.  LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container
so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7.  PEPPIER (pep ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy
restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking
around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8.  PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of
dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were
calling just as they answer.

9.  PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a
window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10.  TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The
act of always letting the phone ring at least twice
before you pick it up, even when you're only six
inches away.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  The S was not an initial; it did not stand
for anything.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
hate to see you go, but if you must -- just let us
know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************


=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
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Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Tuesday May 7, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html

BIRTHDAYS:  Sir Francis Beaufort (British naval
officer who developed a scale to measure wind force),
1774; Poet Robert Browning, 1812; Johannes Brahms,
1833; Peter Ilyitch Tchaikovsky, 1840; Archibald
MacLeish, 1892; Gary Cooper, 1901; inventor Edwin
Land, 1909; Darren McGavin, 1922; Theresa Brewer,
1931; Noony Hogrogian (children's author and
illustrator), 1932.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1789 the first presidential Inaugural
Ball was held in honor of George Washington.

On this date in 1824 Beethoven's Ninth Symphony was
performed for the first time.

On this date in 1915 the Lusitania went to the bottom
after being torpedoes by a German U-boat, hastening
American involvement in World War I.

On this date in 1934 Fishermen removed a 14-pound
pearl from a giant clam in the Philippines.

On this date in 1945 Nazi forces surrendered to
General Dwight D. Eisenhower in Reims, France.  The
cease-fire and proclamation of VE Day -- Victory in
Europe Day -- didn't take effect until the next day.

On this date in 1962 the Telstar Communications
Satellite was launched.

On this date in 1986 Patrick Morrow became the first
person to climb the highest mountain on each of the
seven continents.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The last battleship built in the
United States was the U.S.S. Missouri... "The third
time's a charm":  In 1871 the George F. Whitney was
launched.  The schooner went on the rocks during its
maiden voyage.  It was rebuilt and wrecked again on
its second voyage.  Rebuilt again, it sailed off over
the horizon of Lake Michigan and was never seen
again... The motto of the FBI is (despite what is said
on playgrounds):  "Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity".

TRIVIA:  Who was Chester Carlson and why did he and
the Haloid Company make history?

      "There is no king who has not had a slave among
his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king
among his" (Helen Keller).

*******************************************************

From a friend:

Mary had a little watch.
She swallowed it one day.
Now she's taking castor oil
To pass the time away.

Mary took the castor oil.
The time, it did not pass,
So if you want to know what time it is
Just look up Mary's uncle. (He has a watch too.)

Despite heroic efforts,
Nothing seemed to do the trick,
Now everyone who meets her,
Wonders what makes Mary tick.

*******************************************************

From a friend:  A Friend
Author Unknown

A Friend...

(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who are are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever judges
(O)ffers support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your tears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-amines your head injuries
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality

What a friend we have in Jesus!!!

*******************************************************

From a friend:  "Words To Live By"

1. Anger is a condition in which the tongue works
faster than the mind.

2. You can't change the past, but you can ruin the
present by worrying over the future.

3. Love ......and you shall be loved.

4. God always gives His best to those who leave the
choice with Him.

5. All people smile in the same language.

6. A hug is a great gift..one size fits all. It can be
given for any occasion and it's easy to exchange.

7. Everyone needs to be loved...especially when they
do not deserve it.

8. The real measure of a man's wealth is what he has
invested in eternity.

9. Laughter is God's sunshine.

10. Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it.

11. It's important for parents to live the same things
they teach.

12. Thank God for what you have, TRUST GOD for what
you need.

13. If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday
and the worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be
thankful for.

14. Happy memories never wear out.... relive them as
often as you want.

15. Home is the place where we grumble the most, but
are often treated the best.

16. Man looks at outward appearance but the Lord looks
within.

17. The choice you make today will usually affect
tomorrow.

18. Take time to laugh for it is the music of the
soul.

19. If anyone speaks badly of you, live so none will
believe it.

20. Patience is the ability to idle your motor when
you feel like stripping your gears.

21. Love is strengthened by working through conflicts
together.

22. The best thing parents can do for their children
is to love each other.

23. Harsh words break no bones but they do break
hearts.

24. To get out of a difficulty, one usually must go
through it.

25. We take for granted the things that we should be
giving thanks for.

26. Love is the only thing that can be divided without
being diminished.

27. Happiness is enhanced by others but does not
depend upon others.

28. You are richer today if you have laughed, given or
forgiven.

29. For every minute you are angry with someone, you
lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get
back.

30. Do what you can, for who you can, with what you
have, and where you are.

31. THE BEST GIFTS TO GIVE
        To your friend - loyalty;
        To your enemy - forgiveness;
        To your boss - service;
        To a child - a good example;
        To your parents - gratitude and devotion;
        To your mate - love and faithfulness;
        To all men and women - charity; and
        To your God - your life.

Author Unknown

*******************************************************

From a friend:  36 Stress Reducers for Christians
Author Unknown

1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No, to projects that won't fit into your time
schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life. Less is more.
(Although one is often not enough, two are often too
many.)
7. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
8. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult
projects over time; don't lump the hard things all
together.
9. Take one day at a time.
10. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is
a concern, find out what God would have you to do and
let go of the anxiety.
11. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget
it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards
for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an
extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps,
etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut.) This single piece of
advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in
line.
17. Get enough exercise.
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help
improve your quality of life.
21. Write thoughts and inspirations down.
22. Everyday, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to
nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until its
time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair
and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus!"
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but yourself not at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are
doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it
the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general
manager of the universe.
36. Every night before bed, think of one thing you're
grateful for that you've never been grateful for
before.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  Carlson was an inventor with a new idea, the
first xerographic copy, who was turned down by every
major corporation including RCA and IBM.  He finally
sold his patents to the small Haloid Company which
soon changed its name to Xerox.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
hate to see you go, but if you must -- just let us
know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************

=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Humor Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/
See The Poem Archive at Yahoo! Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithspoems/
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Monday May 6, 2002!

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http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

NOTE:  Check out the new archive at Yahoo Groups --
(address immediately above).  You need not be a member
there to see the archive etc.  If you do sign up
there, please let me know so you won't get double
copies of the list each day.  Thanks.  Tim

BIRTHDAYS:  John Penn, 1740; explorer Robert E. Peary,
1856; Rudolph Valentino, 1895; Steward Granger, 1913;
Willie Mays, 1931; Bob Seger, 1945; Shasta the Liger
(half lion, half tiger), 1948.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1626 Peter Minuit bought Manhattan
Island for $ 24.00.

On this date in 1840 the first postage stamps were
issued.  Most of the letters on which they were placed
have been delivered...

On this date in 1889 the Eiffel Tower in Paris was
completed.

On this date in 1915 Babe Ruth hit his first home run.

On this date in 1933 Richard Hollingshead was issued a
patent for an outdoor drive-in movie theater.

On this date in 1937 the Hindenburg, pride of the
Third Reich, exploded and burned as it approached the
mooring mast in Lakehurst, New Jersey.  Reporter Herb
Morrison uttered the now famous phrase, "Oh, the
humanity!"

On this date in 1954 Rober Bannister broke the
four-minute mile barrier.  His official time was
3:59.4.

On this date in 1960 President Dwight D. Eisenhower
signed the Civil Rights Act, aimed at making voter
registration fair.

On this date in 1976 an earthquake measuring up to 8.9
on the Richter Scale devastated towns in northeastern
Italy.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  The average adult in the United
States reads just 24 minutes a day... The typical
American reads 36 magazines a year... One out of 10
Americans reads the Bible every day.

TRIVIA:  Which of the following amazing facts is
bogus?

A. During World War I sheep were employed to mow the
grass at the White House.
B. Clark Gable had webbed feet.
C. Conductors live longer than average because of
their regular upper body workouts.
D. Walter Cronkite once hosted a game show.

      Red Buttons said, "George Washington said to his
father, "If I never tell a lie, how can I get to be
president?"  That probably wasn't true, but it would
be a practical consideration...

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  Beethoven's Ninth

The Boston Symphony Orchestra was performing
Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. In the piece, there's a
long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass
violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid,
some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the
tavern next door for a drink. After slamming several
beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his
watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he cried.

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought
we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few
pages of the conductor's score together with string.
It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later, the drunk musicians staggered
back into the concert hall and took their places in
the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the
conductor seemed a bit edgy. She pointed this out to
her date.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see?
It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and
the bassists are loaded."

*******************************************************

Thanks to LBS:  I heard a voice from the next stall

I left Montreal on route 20 heading toward Quebec
city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The
first toilet stall was occupied, so I went into the
second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a
voice from the next stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in
highway comfort stations, and I really don't know
quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a
little embarrassed:  "Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning
to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just
like you I am driving east?"

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say: "Look,
I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the
next stall answering all the questions I am asking
you. Bye!"

*******************************************************

Thanks to PW:  Church Bulletin Bloopers

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will  be
speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.
Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from
Africa.

2. PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for
attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes
meals."

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM  in the recreation hall. Come out
and watch us kill Christ the King.

4. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house.  Don't forget your husbands.."

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has
been canceled due to a conflict.

7. The sermon this  morning: "Jesus Walks on the
Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood
donors for more transfusions. She is also having
trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's
sermons.

10. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the
rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F.
Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

11. The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

12. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community.

13. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell"
to someone who doesn't care much about you.

14. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church
help.

15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October  24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.

16. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.

17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.

18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to
the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.

19. The senior choir invites any member of the
congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

20. The Lutheran men's group will  meet at 6 P.M.
Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert
will be served for a nominal feel.

21. For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.

22. Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

23. The church will host an evening of fine dining,
superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

24. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00  P.M....prayer and
medication to follow.

25. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.

26. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn
sing-a-long  in the park across from the Church. Bring
a blanket and come prepared to sin.

27. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

28. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday
at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

30. The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at
7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.

32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this
week for testes.

33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge -Up Yours."

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  B is for bogus.  The King had normal
tootsies.  The name of that Walter Cronkite game show
was "It's News to Me", 1951-1954 on CBS.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
hate to see you go, but if you must -- just let us
know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************

=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Poem Archive:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/SpecialPoemLinks.html
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Charlie Brown Links:
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Enon News Homepage:
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Good Morning:  It's Sunday May 5, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
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http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gradowithsdailyhumor/

NOTE:  Check out the new archive at Yahoo Groups --
(address immediately above).  You need not be a member
there to see the archive etc.  If you do sign up
there, please let me know so you won't get double
copies of the list each day.  Thanks.  Tim

BIRTHDAYS:  Karl Marx, 1818; Nelly Bly, 1867; Leo
Lionni (children's book author and illustrator), 1910;
Tyrone Power, 1914; Alice Faye, 1915; Pat Carroll,
1927; Roger Rees, 1944.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1809 Mary Kies of Connecticut became
the first woman to receive a patent in the United
States, for a process of weaving silk and straw.

On this date in 1847 the American Medical Association
was formed in Philadelphia.

On this date in 1891 New York's Carnegie Hall held its
opening concert.

On this date in 1904 Cy Young pitched baseball's first
perfect game as the Boston Americans beat Philadelphia
3 - 0.

On this date in 1920 Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo
Vanzetti were arrested and later convicted and
executed for manslaughter committed during a robbery.

On this date in 1925 John Scopes, a biology teacher in
Dayton, TN, was arrested for teaching... well, you
know.

On this date in 1945 Denmark was liberated from Nazi
occupation.

On this date in 1956 Jim Bailey became the first
American runner to run a mile in under 4 minutes.

On this date in 1961 Alan B. Shepherd became the first
American in space.

Today is Children's Day in Jorea and Japan.

Today is Cinco De Mayo (celebrated in Mexico).

This is National Letter Writing Week!

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  A golf ball can not weigh more
than 1.62 ounces or be smaller than 1.68 inches in
diameter... Bowling pins are made out of maple... A
bowling ball outweighs a ping pong ball 2800 to 1.

TRIVIA:  Which of the following celebrities was NOT
born in the city indicated?

A. Henny Youngman - Liverpool, England.
B. Audrey Meadows - Wu Chang, China.
C. Sid Caesar - Mexico City, Mexico.
D. John Charles Daly - Johannesburg, South Africa.

      Henny Youngman said, "I once wanted to become an
atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays."  On
to the real stuff!

*******************************************************

From a friend:  CHORES

Monday - Wash Day: Lord, help me to wash away all my
selfishness and vanity, so I may serve you with
perfect humility through the week ahead.

  Tuesday - Ironing Day: Dear Lord, help me to iron out
all the wrinkles of prejudice I have collected through
the years so that I may see the beauty in others.

  Wednesday - Mending Day: O God, help me to mend my
ways so I will not set bad example for others.

  Thursday - Cleaning Day: Lord Jesus, help me to dust
out all the many faults I have been hiding in the
secret corners of my heart.

  Friday - Shopping Day: O God, give me the grace to
shop wisely so I may purchase eternal happiness for
myself and all others in need of love.

  Saturday - Cooking Day: Help me, my Savior, to brew a
big kettle of brotherly love and serve it with clean,
sweet bread of human kindness.

  Sunday - The Lord's Day: O God, I have prepared my
house for you. Please come into my heart as my honored
guest so I may spend the day and the rest of my life
in your presence.

-- Author Unknown

*******************************************************

Thanks to LM for these poems:

Country Calendar

My calendar of seasons
Does not hang upon the wall.
The meadow marks the changing
Of springtime, summer, fall.

First comes the tiny bluets
At the melting of the snow.
Then buttercups of yellow
Give the grass a golden glow.

Summer?s black-eyed Susans
And the thistle?s purple crown
Mingle with the milkweed
As it sheds it?s head of down.

Goldenrod and sumac
Mark my meadow?s final fling,
Then winter tucks it under
To be awakened in the spring.

***************************

Casting Cost

Thousands for rods and reels and gear
Are spent by anglers every year,
All to accomplish their fervent wish:
To occasionally outsmart a fish.

******************************

Home Sleet Home

It?s called a winter wonderland.
The reason why is funny:
We spend the winter wondering why
We don?t live someplace sunny!

*******************************

Old doc quilt maker

The scraps lay mangled and crumpled
Discarded, in sad array.
In a bad, at a yard sale one day,
All cut and useless for garments,
Some dirty, some shapeless, some thin.
But a quilter, a scrap Samaritan,
Came by and healing began.
One by one she cleansed each carefully,
Steam-pressed, and held them awhile.
She looked in her lap at them helpless,
And inspired by their magical guile,
She took out a thread and a needle,
Her scalpel was scissors in hand.
She stitched them to suture the pattern
After color and shape of her plans.
Thus a quilt sewn from rags to riches,
Was made whole, by compassionate hands.

*******************************************************

Thanks to LM:  100 Years Ago

The year is 1902, one hundred years ago ... what a
difference a century makes.

Here are the U.S. statistics for 1902:

The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven
(47).

Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A
three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost
eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144
miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each
more heavily populated than California. With a mere
1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st
most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel
Tower in Paris, France.

The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per
year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per
year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian
between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical
engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the US took
place at home.

Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college
education. Instead, they attended medical schools,
many of which were condemned in the press and by the
government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen
cents a dozen.

Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and
used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from
entering the country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis

3. Diarrhea

4. Heart disease

5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New
Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the
Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't
been invented.

There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6
percent of all Americans had graduated from high
school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available
over the counter at corner drugstores. According to
one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives
buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of
health."

Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least
one full-time servant or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported murders in the
entire US.

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  C. Sid Ceasar was born in far-off, exotic
Yonkers, New York.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
hate to see you go, but if you must -- just let us
know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************


=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Poem Archive:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/SpecialPoemLinks.html
See The Humor Archive:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
Charlie Brown Links:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/CharlieBrownPages.html
Enon News Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/EnonNewsHomepage.html

Good Morning:  It's Saturday May 4, 2002!

http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html

BIRTHDAYS:  Horace Mann, 1796; Howard Da Silva, 1909;
Audrey Hepburn, 1929; Roberta Peters, 1930; George F.
Will, 1941; Tammy Wynette, 1942; Randy Travis, 1959.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

On this date in 1494 Christopher Columbus landed on
the island of Jamaica.

On this date in 1626 the Dutch colonial administrator
Peter Minuit landed on Manhattan Island.  He later
bought the island from its Indian inhabitants for
beads and trinkets worth about $24.

On this date in 1776 Rhode Island became the first
American colony to declare its independence from Great
Britain.

On this date in 1836 the Ancient Order of Hibernians
was founded.

On this date in 1884 the first photograph of a
lightning flash was taken.

On this date in 1897 J. H. Smith patented the lawn
sprinkler.

On this date in 1927 the Academy of Motion Picture
Arts and Sciences was founded.

On this date in 1932 Al Capone entered a federal
penitentiary.

On this date in 1961 Commander Alan B. Shephard, Jr.
sat atop a Redstone booster at Cape Canaveral and
became the first American in space with his brief
suborbital flight.

On this date in 1970 4 students were killed at Kent
State University.

On this date in 1975 Major League Baseball's millionth
run was scored by Bob Watson of the Houston Astros.

On this date in 1989 MAGELLAN, a U.S. space probe
destined for Venus, was launched from the space
shuttle Atlantis.

Today is Children's Day in China.

Today is National Weather Observer's Day.

MEANINGLESS FACTS:  It is impossible to sneeze and
keep your eyes open at the same time... The jawbone is
the hardest bone in the body... The face has the
dirtiest skin of the body.

TRIVIA:  Who was brought in to dub Lauren Bacall's
singing in "To Have and Have Not"?

      "The temperature in any room is room temperature"
(Steven Wright).

*******************************************************

From our archive -- Thanks to M/M Riverrats:

You Might Be From A Small Town If.........

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You know what 4-H is.
3. You went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the
middle of a dirt road.
4. You used to drag "main." (Or Broadway!!!!)
5. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within
the hour.
7. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
8. School gets canceled for state events.
9. You could never buy cigarettes because all the
store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were
old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow).
10. When you did find someone old enough and brave
enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to
the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.
11. You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
12. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
13. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring
town.
14. You had senior skip day.
15. The whole school went to the same party after
graduation
16. You don't give directions by street names or
directions, but by references (turn by Nelson's house
-go two blocks east of Anderson's, and it's four
houses left of the track field).
17. The country club golf course had only 9 holes.
18. You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend
or boyfriend.
19. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads,
and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
20. You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
21. The town next to you is considered "trashy "or
"snooty", but is actually just like your town.
22. Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
23. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980
as the "rich people."
24. The people in the city dress funny, then you pick
up on the trend two years later.
25. You bragged to your friends because you got pipes
on your truck for your birthday.
26. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy
Queen or the feed store.
27. You see at least one friend a week driving a
tractor through town.
28. Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the
summer to get stronger.
29. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a
reference.
30. The city council meets at the coffee shop.
31. Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th
birthday.
32. You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on
a daily basis.
33. Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
34. Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
35. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5
people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
36. Your teachers call you by your older siblings
names.
37. Your teachers remember when they taught your
parents.
38. You can charge at all the local stores.
39. The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away.
40. So is the closest mall.
41. It is normal to see an old man riding through town
on a riding lawn mower.
42. You dial a wrong number and still talk for 45
minutes!
43. Majority of the women/girls in your town drive
trucks!
44. You laugh your tail off reading this because you
know they're all true and forward it to everyone who
lives in your town! (because you know them all!)

*******************************************************

Thanks to JLH:   Flight Announcements....

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort  to
make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit  more entertaining.

Here is a collection of some real examples that have
been heard or reported:
----
On  a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, The pilot  said, "Ladies and
gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
  turning down the cabin lights.  This is for
your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your
flight  attendants."
----
"There  may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this  airplane."
----
"Thank  you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the  business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a  ride."
----
As  the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice came over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.  WHOA!"
----
From  a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY.  To operate your seat
belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt;
and, if you don't know how  to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
----
In  the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the  ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with  theirs. If you are
traveling with more than one small child, pick your
favorite.
----
Weather  at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to  have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you,  or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
----
"Your  seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
in the event of an emergency  water landing, please
paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
----
"Should  the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will
drop from the overhead area.  Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children...or other adults acting like  children."
----
"As  you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left  behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not  leave children or  spouses."
----
And  from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
airlines is pleased to have  some of the best flight
attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately, none  of
them are on this  flight!"
----
Overheard  on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy  and bumpy
day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
having to  fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight attendant said, "Ladies  and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with
your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's left of our airplane  to the  gate!"
----
Another  flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing:  "We ask you  to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
----
An  airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship  into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the  first
officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and  give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that, In light of his  bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking  that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off  except for a little
old lady walking with a cane. She said,

"Sonny, mind if I  ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am," said  the pilot. "What is it?"

The  little old lady said, "Did we land or were we
shot down?"
----
After  a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
Flight Attendant came on with,  "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And,  once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the  terminal."
----
Part  of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks  for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go  blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think  of US  Airways."
----
A  plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
made an announcement over the  intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome  to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York
to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now  sit back and relax - OH, NO!"

Silence followed and after a few  minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but,
while I was talking,  the flight attendant brought me
a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in  my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Economy was  heard to say, "That's
nothing. He should see the back of  mine!"

*******************************************************

ANSWER:  A very young Andy Williams provided her with
those velvety tones.

*******************************************************
To Unsubscribe, just reply to this note and write
UNSUBSCRIBE in the body or "Subject Line".  We would
hate to see you go, but if you must -- just let us
know.  Thanks.  Tim
*******************************************************



=====
May God Bless You as You Study and Obey His Word.  Tim Smith
Enon Church of Christ http://www.geocities.com/fp5699/
See The Poem Archive:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/SpecialPoemLinks.html
See The Humor Archive:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/DailyHumorArchive.html
Gradowith's Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/GradowithsHomepage.html
Charlie Brown Links:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/CharlieBrownPages.html
Enon News Homepage:
http://www.geocities.com/gradowith/EnonNewsHomepage.html