This is my first completed GW fanfic... C&C greatly appreciated.


Disclaimer: I'm an engineer, not an anime producer. Hence, I don't own 'em.
I'm just playing nicely with them for a little bit.

Author's note: This fic has been whirling around my brain for about 3 months
now, and I forced myself to sit down and finish it a few nights ago. It's a
little bit of purging on my part, of some events that happened in my
misbegotten youth.

Pairings: 2x4, implied 3x4 (Duo's POV)

Warnings: lime (implied lemon), mild angst

Spoilers: Entire series, plus Blind Target manga (within which the story
takes place)



"Three Kisses"


by Kasra



I never should have kissed you the second time.

The first time it was all right - an experiment, if you will; a blending of
souls together to taste for a moment something that could have been, but
never would. There was an incredible innocence in that kiss – the giving and
taking something of each other's souls, a wholeness experienced for such a
brief moment, pulling towards each other, merging, our desires mingling in
the space of a moment.

We broke apart at the same time, breathing heavily and staring at each other
with glazed eyes. When I'd gone to see you, I never thought it would come to
this. I expected to express my secret longing, gain some comfort, and
ultimately leave unrequited. After all, that's how these things are supposed
to work. You had your fairytale lover, your best friend, your soul mate, and
I was just another admirer, a distraction to take you away from him.

I was surprised when you took my confession so calmly. I was even more
surprised when I learned that you felt the same. It hurt a little to realize
how I’d practically cursed myself over this from the very beginning. Had I
realized your attraction when we’d met, I never would have allowed you to
slip away. Of course, neither of us was really in any condition for that
sort of thing at the time, what with Heero’s self-detonation and our own
hopeless position. Maybe that’s why I found myself so drawn to you; in a
time of strife, you offered me friendship, companionship, and trust, when it
seemed like the rest of the world would have just as soon I’d died.

And then, fool that you were, you damn near killed yourself while allowing
for my own escape into space. I guess it was to be expected, after our talk
about Heero’s little stunt.

I remember that Wufei had to physically drag me away to my shuttle, calmly
rationalizing your sacrifice as he buckled me in. I couldn’t help myself as
I found myself staring out the window in morbid fascination. As my shuttle
launched into the stars, the sky lit up with the soul of Sandrock, and I
felt something inside of me die. I shivered uncontrollably, rocking in my
seat, and fought the tears that threatened my eyes.

I guess that explains to some extent my own apathy, when facing down by OZ
with a non-functioning mobile suit. At least your self-detonator worked.

I didn’t hear about you again until the Wing Zero incident. I admit to a
private sense of joy at the news of your survival; you should have seen me
beg Trowa to let me go with him to meet up with you. Who knows, maybe if I
had gone, things might have worked out differently. But that’s water under
the bridge, as they say.

After escaping from the moon base, events started to blur together. When I
ran into Trowa at the circus, I knew something was wrong; that feeling
didn’t leave when I surprised you at your family’s resource satellite.

Did I unwittingly curse myself by telling you where to find him, when he had
amnesia? If I'd known about how you felt at the time, would I have chosen
differently?

You had asked me then if I would join you in the fight to end the war. Even
as I refused, I felt my resolve waver. I left before I could change my mind.

Even so, we all ended up on the Peacemillion in the end, after all.

I am pretty certain I knew the moment that Trowa regained his memory. Even
though I was not plugged directly into the Zero system, it left some of its
essence behind in me, and sometimes those tendrils wove together to form a
kind of intuition of its other pilots.

I watched you carefully as you approached him in the bay after the battle.
The look on your face when Trowa leapt out of Wing Zero – fear mixed with
sadness and regret and – was that a spark of hope? – told me plainly enough
where your affections laid. His own eyes sparkled with intensity. It was
when he pulled you close into an embrace that I felt it was time for me to
leave.

And yet, I found that I couldn’t stay away from you, and keeping my feelings
bottled up inside was driving me crazy. So that was how I found myself
knocking on the door to your room that night. I just needed to clear the
slate with you so that I could move on.

And then you kissed me. I wasn’t so certain that I wanted to give up so
easily anymore.

But as I looked into your flushed face, I saw the confusion warring in the
stormy depths of your eyes. I knew at that moment that you loved both of us,
and that you had enough love for both of us. And yet I also knew he and I
could never share you. But since Trowa had claimed you first, I had to cede
defeat and face the reality that you and Trowa were lovers, and that I
missed my chance.

So we decided to stay friends. We needed to work as a team, so we decided
we'd leave it platonic, and cherish the memory of that kiss. Through the end
of war, we continued to work unaffected side-by-side, lending strength to
each other.

I remember landing on MO-II after the final battle. I looked up to your
Gundam intending to give you a hug - and maybe even steal a kiss - when I
saw Trowa entering the hatch. The bitterness that flared up dissolved
immediately as I saw him carry you out of Sandrock. I panicked – what the
hell was wrong? You’d just fought by our sides to destroy the Libra, why did
Trowa have to carry you out? And then – oh god – the blood dripping out of
the hole in your suit. How could I have missed it?

I saw the medics strapping you down, and I saw Trowa take your hand.
Fighting down the sick feeling in my stomach, I leapt up to Sandrock’s hatch
and looked inside. Oh, god. Your blood practically painted the controls red.
How much had you lost? It was a miracle that you were even conscious at the
end… no…

Realization flooded my senses, and my mind whirled as a single thought
became frighteningly clear. I realized with sick dread that you had intended
to die destroying the remains of the Libra.

I quickly pulled myself away and hopped down to the deck, unable to hold it
in anymore, and retched.

I felt a warm hand rubbing circles on my back, steadying me. Surprised, my
eyes met Heero’s and a lifetime’s worth of understanding passed between
them.

He gently guided me to a room to rest and assured me I would be awakened
when you pulled through. Not if, when. I felt secure enough in his
confidence to give into the exhaustion I’d been feeling since I’d boarded
the Peacemillion. I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since… well, since that
night we kissed.

When I awoke, I set off to find your room. I opened the door and peeked in,
instead of barging in as was my usual style. It was amazing how tiny you
looked in that huge bed, the sensors all over you tracking your vital signs
through the flickering monitors, and the IVs dripping life into you. My eyes
trailed over your frail form and landed on your hands. Or rather, who was
holding your hand, even in his sleep. Trowa must have fallen asleep at your
bedside while waiting for you to awaken. Something gnawed at my stomach and
I’m fairly certain now that it was guilt – guilt that I hadn’t been there by
your side; guilt that I’d made it through the battle with no injuries; guilt
that I hadn’t been able to save you, or that I couldn’t even lessen the pain
you were feeling now.

Guilt, perhaps; jealousy, certainly.

Even in his sleep, Trowa absently stroked your hand. I felt more and more
like an intruder as I stared at the tender scene in front of me. Still, I
wasn’t going to leave until you awoke, so I quietly pulled up a chair and
waited it out.

When you awoke, the first word you whispered was the name of your beloved.
Then you noticed me and gave me the most brilliant smile I’ve ever seen. I
knew you were going to be all right then. Together, we toasted the end of
the war and the beginning of a new era of peace.

Not long afterwards, we all parted our separate ways. I headed back to L2
and took up a delivery job to supplement my scrap yard. The two of us kept
in touch, and I was glad that I got the rare chance to see you in person
before the colony conference. There was still a little pain, but I'd learned
to deal with it in our time apart.

I was surprised that Trowa was not living with you, although I couldn't
bring myself to ask what the circumstances were there. You seemed content,
and much more confident in yourself as you headed towards the conference. I
could live with the pain now; I could live my life so long as I just got to
watch you be happy.

Then Heero called, and turned my world upside down.

I don't remember how I got to the conference building. I remember throwing
myself through a crowd of people; I remember thinking I'd never get there
fast enough. I remember screaming your name when I saw the explosion that I
knew had taken your life. And running into the burning building, regardless
of the danger, regardless of the reality that you were dead, to search for
your body.

What a shock it was to find you alive, albeit unconscious. I think I damn
near fainted in relief. Then my instincts took over, and I pulled you out of
the building and quickly hid you away.

I kept a vigil by your side until you awoke. The waiting was agonizing, made
all of the worse by my own panicked heart. I didn't know why you weren't in
the room with the rest of the attendees, but I'd never been so thankful for
that miracle. The thought that I'd almost lost you twisted my gut, and as
the shock wore off I felt the tears spring unbidden to my eyes. So I sat
there and held your hand, and waited.

When your eyelashes fluttered, I nearly cried out in happiness. I threw my
arms around your reclining body, heedless of any harm the explosion might
have done to you, and held you close. Your eyes opened and met mine.

And then I couldn't help myself, even though I swore I'd never do it again.

I kissed you.

You seemed shocked for a moment - a long, breathless moment - and then you
were returning my kiss. No longer innocent - this was something far beyond
what that first kiss had been, filled with desire and an aching need that
had dwelt in my soul for the past year. My tongue nudged your mouth open as
my hands sought to cover you, to memorize you, in this single golden moment.
I felt like I hadn't felt my entire life - completely alive, the electricity
running through my veins, my heart beating at triple hammer pace.

I didn't care if what I was taking was forbidden. God could have smitten me
down right there and I would have died a happy man.

One thing quickly led to another, and before I think either of us realized
what was happening, we were both naked on the couch. I looked into your
eyes, storms of passion gazing back. Time stood still for a moment as I
asked a silent question. Certainty gazed back in the depths of your eyes,
and I moved in to kiss you once more before sealing my doom within your
body.

Sometime close to an hour later, the reality of what we had done finally
sunk in, and I realized what I had to do. I uncurled myself from your arms
gently and kissed you on the forehead. Your eyes fluttered open, and I was
almost pulled down into your gaze. But now was not the time for such things;
as it was, I had enough things to trouble me into the afterlife, before
worrying about what I was going to do next. I whispered that you should
rest, since I had to errand to run and likely wouldn't return alone. And
when I returned, I knew there would be no resting for a long time.

Sorta ironic, isn't it, that just as I've finally gotten the one thing I
wanted the most in my life, that my mission would send me to find the only
person capable of taking him away.

I found Trowa where I expected to, not far from the circus, wandering around
town. Even though it warred with my own selfish desires, I brought him back
to the shuttle.

Was that joy I saw on his face when he saw you? Probably, although
considering recent events, I know why it wasn't completely mirrored on your
own. Once again, I found myself wondering what had happened between the two
of you that brought you to this point.

Did I have a chance, after all?

When we got to the abandoned colony, I took Trowa aside at the first
opportunity for a talk. In that brief span of time I learned more about the
boy than I had learned in the previous year fighting beside him. I saw the
genuine concern in his eyes over what had happened to you, and his own
regret for leaving you after the war. He spoke of his intentions in going -
that it would give each of you a chance to discover life on your own before
committing completely to each other. He spoke of his dreams of a future with
you, and then broke down, realizing aloud how close he had come to losing
you.

His emotions, so familiar, tore me up inside and I couldn’t hold it in any
longer. I confessed my own feelings for you to him, and told him everything
that happened. Somewhat surprisingly, he didn’t get angry, he only seemed to
get sadder.

And maybe that was what changed my resolve. I decided that you would have to
be the one to make the choice between the two of us. I didn’t feel it was my
right anymore to try to force others to conform to my emotional needs. With
that in mind, we returned to the mission at hand.

In the end, the emotional spectacle that I’d been dreading never happened.
As I observed you during the mission, I saw how you were pulled closer to
Trowa with each passing day. And yet, it never became awkward between us,
and for that I am thankful. In the end, you chose him, even though you never
knew that you were being asked to pick one of us. Perhaps that is the way it
should have been all along. By the end of the mission, it was certain that
you would go with him, and I would return home alone to my scrap yard. No
hard feelings; just memories to cherish of what could have been.

I leaned over to give you one last hug before jumping on my shuttle home to
L2. You surprised me by throwing your arms around me and soundly kissing me
on the lips. I felt the world drop out beneath me, my adrenaline racing, as
I began to return your kiss. But my eyes opened unbidden and came to rest on
Trowa’s own, and I quickly broke the kiss. He had that damnable knowing
smirk on his face.

I waved goodbye, knowing I’d see you soon enough.

I still dream from time to time of what might have been. I don’t know if
anything I would have done differently would have changed the end result,
but I’m fairly content with my lot in life. Trowa is a good man, one of my
best friends, and I know that he makes you very happy. I have my fantasy,
and it will have to be enough.

But sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t hurt so much to see you two together,
if I had never kissed you the second time.

THE END

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