MESSAGE FOR THE 4TH!!
REMEMBER………..
HE\SHE WHO COMES FORTH ON THE FOURTH WITH A FIFTH, MIGHT NOT COME FORTH ON THE
FIFTH!
PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. Better yet just don't drink...
PASS THIS ALONG..

Funny Jokes - DYING MAN

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He
lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of
age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic.  But
for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First
Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany.  Maybe I can be of
some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to  where the dying man
lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."




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Funny Jokes - Humor and Funny Jokes - Emotional Extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first
class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the
University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the UH student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from the University
of Texas.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite
of woe?

"The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of
her fellow church members.
    "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
    "Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
    "What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're
in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
    "Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
    "Are you in any pain?" she asked.
    "No, I have never had a pain in my life."
    "Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
    The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major
worry.
    "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm
afraid they're all wondering where I went."


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family"
4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats
that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle
rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of
state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his
neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he
bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food
to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"

When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was
discovered that the head of that family was a police
officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to
his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of
fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere
quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the
topic to food for the day. This family had brought some
chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was
all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas
and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the
front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that
was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw
the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"



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The Truth Project  www.thetruthproject.org


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Funny Jokes - Stupid Questions

Who Says There's No Such Thing As a Stupid Question?

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers
around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit
to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park...
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)...
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?




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Funny Jokes - Humor and Funny Jokes - Kids' Deep Thoughts

-- Apparently from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." --

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to
wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
number you could come up with! --Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple
of days saved up. -- Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
the blood would be right there. -- Age 5

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be
until the looting started. -- Age 15

Funny Jokes - MY kind of woman


   A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man
entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly
toward her (as all men will).

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and 
whispered to  her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to
do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are always
conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You
have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20
bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her
address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....


"Clean my house."


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Funny Jokes - Baking cookies with your cat!


Baking Cookies (with your cat)
1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Get cat off of cookbook.
4. Find that special recipe.
5. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
10. Answer the phone.
11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14. Throw flour out and get more.
15. Preheat oven for cookies.
16. Looking at cat & wanting to bake cat now.
Cat runs for cover into bathroom.
17. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
18. Big crash in bathroom; run to see what happened.
19. Cat has TP all over floor; stuff spilled
and knocked over on top of bathroom counter.
20. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
21. Can sense cat is angry.
22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23. Get bandages to cover more scratches
on arms and legs.
24. Cleanup bathroom.
25. Hear a thump in kitchen ...Oh Golly ... now what?
26. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27. Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies!!!



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Humor and Funny Jokes - Letter from the Tooth Fairy

Dear _________________ :

Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case
of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found

( ) it was not a human tooth

( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny

( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor

( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you

( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for
appropriate action

( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
fairy

( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received

( ) the tooth is still in your mouth

( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time
of our visit

( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit

( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory,
or were missing

( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in
the future.

Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy


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Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes - Lunch



Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks.

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat
your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged
sandwiches.


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Funny Jokes - Humor and Funny Jokes


                 I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy,
look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.



     Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in
my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them
before I rushed out of the room again.



     When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face.



     I said, "What's wrong, honey?"



     She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Funny Jokes - Doing Nothing

Hubert was overheard telling his friend:

"I was relaxing in my favorite chair on Sunday, reading the newspaper, watching
a football game on TV and listening to another game on the radio, drinking a
beer, eating a high cholesterol snack, and scratching our dog with my foot --
and my wife had the nerve to accuse me of just sitting there doing nothing!"


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Funny Jokes - Truths

SOME TIME-HONOURED TRUTHS:

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say
it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the funeral service
of her seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided in a friend, "We had such a
happy marriage for the three months it lasted. Every Sunday morning he would
make love to me, keeping time with the rhythm of the church bells."

She sobbed again, then added, "If that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be
alive today."

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down,
so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the
ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man
peeked down through one of the vents in the
sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling
by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since
the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd
be funny to try and mess with the woman's mind. In
his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is
Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."

The little old woman didn't even blink, just kept
on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she
didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus,
the Son of G~d! Your prayers will be answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a
big breath of air, the man decided to try again.
"THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF G~D!
YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The woman looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M
TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"




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Funny Jokes - The Substitute Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the
worship service, ask the congregation to come up with
more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.


Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a
substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The
substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think
of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are
in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we
need $4,000 more.

Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!



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Funny Jokes - Sex Education

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a
permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to
the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

Funny Jokes - British cowboy

   A British cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon
for a drink. The locals always picked on the Brits and when
the cowboy was done with his drink, he found his horse had
been stolen.

He comes back in the bar, flips his gun in the air, catches it
above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the
ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SNAKES STOLE MY HOSS?"
he yelled with surprised forcefulness. No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT -- I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BEER.
WHEN I'M DONE, IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE, I'M
GOING TO DO WHAT I DID IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T *LIKE*
TO DO WHAT I DID IN TEXAS!"

The locals shifted uneasily as they'd never seen anyone quite
this upset. When the cowboy finished his beer, he walked
back outside and his horse had been returned.

The bartender had followed him out there and asked, "Just
out of curiosity, what did you do in Texas?"

"I had to bloody walk home."

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.

What's another word for - thesaurus - ?

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an
only child.....eventually.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them
in the same room and let them fight it out.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything
specific.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I bought some powered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now, but
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street and...oohh, that's much
better.

I have a hobby. I have the worlds largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
some of it.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-
temperature.

If your not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
guy was locking the front door. I said "Hey, the sign says you're
open 24 hours." He said "Yes, but not in a row."

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me
are furious.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He
said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said "Yeah, but I don't
believe everything I read."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said "Insanity, your honor.
Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the
entire area was missing.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just
that when I leave the house, I go out through the window.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
everything.




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Hubert called the obituary section of a local newspaper.

   He inquired, "Tell me, how much would it cost to have an obitualry printed?"

   The ad clerk politely told him, "It would be $5 a word, sir!"

   "That's fine," said Hubert, after a moment of adding.

   "Then write, 'Bubba died.'" he dictated to the clerk.

"Oh, that's all?" asked the clerk, anticipating a big write-up.

   "Yes, that's it. And charge the $10 to my credit card, please."

   "Hold it Sir, I am sorry,  but I should have informed you that the ad must be
a minimum of five words."

   Hubert got annoyed at the failure of his calculations. He blasted the clerk,
"Yes, you should have told me that right away!!"

   After a moment of updating his cost versus benefit, he loudlly dictated again,
"OK, write, "Bubba dead, truck for sale."



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Funny Jokes - All banged up....

   "What happened to you?" asked a hospital visitor to the heavily
bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went to the Amusement Park over the weekend and decided to
take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop,
I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was
very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to
go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what
the sign said.
"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third
time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better
view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the
visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"


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Funny Jokes - Real Ads

   ~Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks
included.

~Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

~Stock up and save. Limit: one.

~Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

~3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

~Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.

~For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

~Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home.

~We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

~Great dames for sale.

~Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

~Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

~Vacation special: have your home exterminated.

~Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.


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Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the
officers club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he
had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised
his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped. Put five
dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the
door of the officers club." Then I hung up.

A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In it were
Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear. Attached to the bear
was a note: "Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home."

Funny Jokes - Family Fortunes

Genuine contestants' answers from the TV game 'Family Fortunes' (same
as US's Family Feud)

We asked one hundred people to name: You Say:
...A famous Scotsman? Vinnie Jones
...A famous Scotsman? Jock
...An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
...A jacket (baked)  potato topping? Jam
...A food that can be brown or white? Potatoes
...A sign of the Zodiac? April
...A job a working dog does? Slave
...Something with a hole in it? A window
...Something people might be allergic to? Skiing
...A type of large cat? Persian
...A type of record? Floppy disc
...Something associated with pigs? The police
...A non-living object with legs? A plant
...A domestic animal? Leopard
...Something red? My cardigan
...A kind of ache? Filet-o'-fish ("I thought you said Hake")
...Something you beat? An apple
...A dangerous race (eg a car race)? The Arabs
...A number you have to memorise? Seven
...Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde
...Something that floats in the bath? Water
...Something in the garden that's green? The shed
...Something a blind man might use? A sword
...Something you wear on the beach? A deckchair
...A famous cowboy? Buck Rogers
...An animal you might see at a zoo? A dog
...A famous bridge? The Bridge over Troubled Waters
...A part of the body beginning with N? Knee
...Something you put on walls? Roofs
...A famous Royal? Mail
...Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate
...Something slippery? A conman
...A way of cooking fish? Cod
...A form of transport you can walk around in? My foot
...A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on
...Something you do before going to bed? Sleep
...Something a cat does? Go to the toilet
...An animal beginning with B? Bullfrog
...The last thing you take off before going to bed? Your feet
...Something that makes you scream? A squirrel
...Something you have with coffee? The Sunday Sport
...A song with 'Moon' in the title? Blue Suede Moon
...Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with
wings
...Something with a red light on it? A Dalek
...Something you open other than a door? Your bowels

To a contestant who was a SOUP salesman:-
...A food that can be easily eaten without chewing? "Er...chips?"



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Funny Jokes

   One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover,
screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen!! Seventeen!!"
Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to
him and asks why he is doing that.
The first man responded, "It's a blast.You have to try it. Jump as high as you
can and scream 'Seventeen!!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush.
Try it."
Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely
hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly.
The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher.
Yell louder."
So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking
louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little
bit of a rush. Seventeen!! Seventeen!!"
The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The
first man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole
cover out from under the second, causing him to fall down the manhole.
The first man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and
screaming, "Eighteen!! Eighteen!!"


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Humor and Funny Jokes - Family stress test

   Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true,
2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then
we can talk".

2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ____ The cat is on Valium.

4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they
learned to speak through clenched teeth.

5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the
number of people in the family.

7. ____ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

8. ____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement
officials.

9. ____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take
out the trash.

10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:
30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighbourhood!
20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little
going on in your life. Crank it up.
10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-
filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered
a parallel career path?
0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

Funny Jokes - Doctors & Lawyers

   A lawyer and a doctor are at a party. A woman approaches the
doctor and asks him how she should treat a particular ailment. The doctor offers
an opinion.
After the woman walks away, the doctor asks the lawyer, "Do you think
I should send her a bill?"

"Of course." says the lawyer. "She asked for your advice and no doubt will act
on it."

On Monday morning the doctor arrives at his office and issues the
woman a $50.00 bill.

That afternoon he receives a $100.00 bill from the lawyer.






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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only
friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every
morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make
her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them  off because it was
making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would
blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving
morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound
asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck,
gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,
gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later, she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was
followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran
into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears
in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About
twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants
with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were
right." All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and
today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two
fingers, I think I got most of them back in."




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Funny Jokes - Wake up, Teach.!

An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays.

Often she worked late, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.

One day a student came to her after class with an essay that had been returned.

"I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."

The teacher took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It says
that you should write more legibly!"



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