Vista error messages


The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows
Vista:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want
to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type
mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the
universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port
not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press
any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot
Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the
cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A:32CF:
Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY
one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup...
PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found:
Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
Evidence Nuker Software will permanently delete
everything you want erased.


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Men and directions!

A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a store. As he waited, he
was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office
is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of
blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new preacher in town, and I'd
like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the
way to the post office!"

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FunnyJokes

Answering Machine Messages

FunnyJokes

Answering Machine Messages

Where's our bailout? porn industry asks

LAS VEGAS - The economic downturn has many companies looking for ways to
survive, and those in the adult-entertainment industry are also finding
it's not always easy to shake a recession. Amid to.


Hustler Magazine Founder Asks Congress For $5 Billion Package To Help
Porn Industry

Washington, D.C. (AHN) - If General Motors and Chrysler deserve a
bailout package from the federal government, so does the adult
entertainment industry. That is the reasoning of Hustler magazine found.


Playboy's New Blonde (Photo) Introduced as Porn Bailout Sought by Flynt
and Francis


The world of adult entertainment always gets attention thanks to the
nude women and bikini clad starlets wandering around Sin City as the
adult entertainers hit town but this week but with a new Play.

Answering Machine Messages

Funny Jokes - Choking on a Quarter 

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, ... "Divorce attorney"

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

Quick fix

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their tails are interchangeable."

The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

Funny-Jokes

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up
sliced.

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Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

Jokes

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was
Helping one of her kindergarten students put
On his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little
Boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they
Got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than
It was putting them on. She managed to keep
Her cool as together they worked to get the
Boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, ".....These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face
And scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she
Wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him
Pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner
Had they gotten the boots off when he said,
"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage
She had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,
"....Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.




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John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a
real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."



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A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around
you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have
made a list of things you can do...

1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.

2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person
next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.

3. While looking at your book, turn so you�re facing the person.
Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!"

4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other
persons book, and, either 1) say "Ooo. Nice book." or 2) when he/she
looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.

5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You�re one of THEM!"

6. Put down you book, and look at him/her. When they says something
like "what?", cut them off by saying "Are you accusing me of
something?"

7. Read your book. Upside down.

8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.

9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.

10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, "Wow. That was a good
book."

11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your
book, say, "No, Jim! It's a trap! Don't do it!!" Then turn to the
person and reply solemnly, "He did it." when he/she looks at you.

12. Turn to the person and ask, "Have you ever experienced d�j�
vu and amnesia at the same time?"

13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny,
say "Ohh, I'm sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet."

14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, "Hi! My name's
(�) and I'm really glad to meet you."

15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time
continuum.

16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.

17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.

18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, "Got enough air
in their?" or, "Settle down in there. I'm trying to read!"

19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply,
cut them off by saying, "No it isn't!"

20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then
say, "Wow! That was a good one!"

21. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange
sound, or a beep.

22. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.

23. Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you
asked what is wrong, reply by saying, "I'm constipated. Hehe."

24. Spell every single word as you read it.

25. Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.

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26. Act like you�re picking your nose. And eating it.

27. Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.

28. Sneeze a lot.

29. Hold your book right next to your eyes.

30. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the
table, and sit back down.

31. Stand up, and continue reading.

32. Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you
didn�t do it.

33. Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.

34. Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then dig in
messily, and crunch on it.

35. Ask them, �Got milk?�

36. Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them
badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.

37. Fall out of your seat, then say, �I meant to do that.� Then
do it again. And again.

38. Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.

39. Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.

40. Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make
it look like you�re attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them
instead.

41. Bring a bottle of squirtable mouth freshener, and miss every time
you try to spray it into your mouth.

42. Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.

43. Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.

44. Put down your book, then say, �Hey, ya wanna trade?�

45. Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag.
Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing
them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag,
yell, �IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU!!!!! IT�S NOT MY FAULT!!
IT�S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG!!!
IT�S BECAUSE I DIDN�T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!!�

46. Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular,
�I know what you did last summer.�

47. Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little
hole in the center of the table meant for cords.

48. While reading your book, start humming a single note until
you�re out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up,
and continue reading like nothing happened.

49. Start singing �This is the song that never ends. . .�

50. While placing small pieces of bread in a line, count one, two,
three. . ., and lose count every ten or so.

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51. Bring a recording of a popular song. Play it on headphones
quietly, but sing along very badly. Then say to the person next to
you, �I took singing lessons!�

52. Turn to the person sitting next to you and say to them, �Hey!
How ya doin�? That�s great, me too.�

53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!

54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to
every one, �I have mail!!�

55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention,
announce, �I measure sock by thickness!�

56. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their
name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking
for hidden messages.

57. State proudly that you have been to the �other� side. Give no
explanation.

58. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the
ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.

59. Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When
the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an
inquiring look on your face, and say, �What do you mean?�

60. Say, �It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird.�
When they ask, �What?� say, �Ohh, sorry. I�m back now.�

61. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say,
�Never mind.�

62. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you
were electrocuting them, say, �BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. . .�

63. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are
talking to, say, �Your just jealous �cause the voices are talking
to ME!!!�

64. Say, �Who�s Freddie?� Then act like you didn�t say
anything.

65. Say, �Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me
blue china!!!�

66. Introduce your self by saying, �Hi! I�d like a hamburger, and
a green South America please.� When they ask what your problem is,
say, �Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I�m sorry, he must have
flown into the bookcases. Bye!� and run off.

67. Continuously rub a book while chanting, �Come out, come out. I
know you�re in there!� When they ask what you�re doing, say,
�I�m calling the book genie out!�

68. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask,
�Will you sign my autograph?!?� Make sure you say MY.

69. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they
ask what you�re doing, say happily, �I�m roosting!�

70. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a
very high number. When they ask what you�re doing, say, �I�m
counting my brain cells!�

71. Stick a �kick me� sing on your back, and accuse them of
putting it their.

72. Repeat every thing they say to you.

73. Ask them, �Have you ever had an orange juice bath?� When they
look at you strangely, say, �What?�

74. Look up suddenly and yell, �Ohh no!� When they ask you what
happened, say, �Nothing.� Then do it again.

75. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you,
say, �Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!�

76. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in
astonishment, �Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy
who came up with that musta been a genius!!

77. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.

78. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.

79. Say to him/her, �You have the right to remain silent!�

80. Pat your stomach and say, �Whoa. Human extremities do not
settle well.�

81. Get a child�s book like �Green Eggs and Ham� and complain
that there is no glossary.

82. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, �Wow! Did
you know that �affirmative� and �yes� mean the same thing?�

83. Say, �Omph!� like you were just shot, and while smushing a
ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like
nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, �What?
How�d this stain get here?� while motioning to the ketchup.



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Killing English

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel
pulling cigerette... ? "


Class teacher once said : " pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"


Once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."


"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."


Don't..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be
fallen down.....


It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried
to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. And then she said "
why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)


Teacher in a furious mood... Write down ur name and father of ur name!!


"shhh... Quiet... The principal is revolving around college"


My manager started like this "Hi, I am Pinky, Married with two kids"


"I'll illustrate what I have in my mind" said the professor and erased
the board


"will u hang that calender or else I'll HANG MYSELF"


LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"



Chemistry HOD comes and tells us.... "My aim is to study my son and
marry my daughter"



Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father


Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code.. "I
understand. You understand. Computer how understand??


Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..
"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

And the best one…..

"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am in the class?!"
 

Regards,
vaidyanathan


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Jokes