What is a Dog?

1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture
in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you
when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try  to give you a
kiss.

  Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

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Subject: Corporate America

You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if...

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different  companies
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket
You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise
You learn about your layoff on CNN
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third
World countries' annual budgets combined
It's dark when you drive to and from work
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else
Communication is something your group is having problems with
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor
Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital
You're already late on the assignment you just got
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow,thanks!"
Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed
up"
Your boss' second favorite lines are "this isn't exactly what we need. It may be
what we asked for, but things have changed."
Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three
weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you  will lose it, or
you get a check for it every January
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"
Change is the norm
Nepotism is encouraged
The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures
are hanging in your cube
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting
You read this entire list and understood it.
------------------------------------------

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The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet
with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "where's the
three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't
answer. The Godfather asks again, "where's the three million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three
million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're
talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, " He doesn't
know what you're talking about " The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts
it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where the @#!* money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The
accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase
behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he
say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't
have the guts to pull the trigger."

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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really  doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent.  As a matter of fact I've passed gas a
number of times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I
was farting because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says "I
see.  Take these pills and come back to see me next week.

"The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what
you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent, they stink
terribly."  "Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your
sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

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Abe tells Becky, his wife of sixty years, that he is going to the store
to get a cigar.  She says, "Abe, while you are there, please get a dozen
oranges.

Abe says, "OK, dear."

Becky says, "aren't you going to write that down?  You know how you
forget."

Abe replies, "Write down a dozen oranges? I'm not goofy yet!"

When Abe returns, he has a brown bag which he gives to Becky.  She says,
"What is this?"

Abe says, "It's the corned beef sandwich you asked me for."

Becky asks. "Did you remember the mustard?"

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ENGINEER'S IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

Straighten it. Ignore it. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months
designing a solar- powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often
stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "3," but partial credit can be given to anybody who
writes "It depends" in the margin of the test, or simply blames the whole
stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
social interaction: Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
Important social contacts A feeling of connectedness with other humans In
contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions:
Get it over with as soon as possible.
Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two
categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will
need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix
it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without
wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can
take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make
showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of
sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of
clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely
recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many
normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people
harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer like
children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their
virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to
late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in
technical professions:
Bill Gates, MacGyver, Etcetera

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain
that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if
it's a warm day.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the
truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected
to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

"I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your
hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my
job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or
mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a
problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while
retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else
in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead
prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking
resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical
engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the
lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is
understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the
media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

Hindenberg
Space Shuttle Challenger
SPANet(tm)
Hubble space telescope
Apollo 13
Titanic
Pinto
Corvair

RISK/REWARD

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid
risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for
reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt project, then the engineer
will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible
but it will cost too much."

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: How smart they are. How
many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a
problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can
walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or
distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types
of challenges quickly become personal --a battle between the engineer and
the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.
(Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving
the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex --
and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's
not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the
engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these
lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult
technical problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the
problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

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SAYINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON BUTTONS...

1  Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2  Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
3  Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
4  Do I look like a freakin' people person?
5  This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6  I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
7  I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
8  If I throw a stick, will you leave?
9  You! Off my planet!
10  Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
11  Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
12  Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
13  I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
14  Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
15  If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on
my cat.
16  Does your train of thought have a caboose?
17  Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
18  Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
19  And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
20  I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
21  If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
22  See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
23  A PBS mind in an MTV world.
24  Allow me to introduce my selves.
25  Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
26  Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
27  Better living through denial.
28  Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
29  Suburbia:  Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after
them.
30  Adult child of alien invaders.
31  Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32  I'm just working here 'til a good fast-food job opens up.
33  I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
34  A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
35  Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
36  After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
37  Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
38  Back off! You're standing in my aura.
39  I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
40  Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
41  Adults are just kids who owe money.
42  How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
43  I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
44  I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
45  You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
46  Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
47  Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
48  Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
49  Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
50  Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
51  Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
52  Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
53  Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
54  Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the
earth.
55  Earth is full. Go home.
56  Is it time for your medication or mine?
57  I plead contemporary insanity.
58  And which dwarf are you?
59  I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
60  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
61  How do I set a laser printer to stun?
62  Meandering to a different drummer.
63  I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

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Marriage Quips

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except 'Tied to the Whipping Post'.

Q: How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
A: They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.

Q: What is a wedding tragedy?
A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

Q: Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
A: They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.

Q: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their
wedding night?
A: A last name.

Q: How is marriage like a hot bath?
A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Q: If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose:
A: Would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
A: Buy her a diamond ring.

Q: Why don't young girls pass gas?
A: Because they have to grow up and marry an a**hole!

Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
A: Call her/him on the telephone.

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A man and his son are walking through a pharmacy,  when the son sees a
stand with condoms. The son sees a three pack of condoms and asks what it
is for.  "That's for when you're in high school," the father  says, "one
for Friday night, one for Saturday night,  and one for Sunday." The son
sees a six pack of  condoms and asks what it is for. "That's for when
you're in college," the father says, "two for Friday  night, two for
Saturday night, and two for Sunday."  The son then sees a 12-pack of
condoms and asks the same question.

"That's for when you get married," the father says,  "One for January,
one for February ..."

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New Corporate Buzzwords for the 90's

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down
on  anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over
everything and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the  employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators
running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm,  and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Sitcoms: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them
stops  working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two
Children,  Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: Transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with
no  kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from
their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were
just  tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it.
Makes  reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who
have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an
office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we
gotta  figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to
leave a company or department soon.

GOOD Job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order
to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are
solvent  again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but
you  find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a
prime  example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice
president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of
an  uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the
operator  for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach all the
appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm reboot for
a  Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the
Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
everywhere.  Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We
all owe $8 but all  anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

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His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer.  One day, while
trying to eke out a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming
from a nearby bog.  He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and
struggling to free himself.  Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could
have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse
surroundings.  An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced
himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.  "I want to repay
you, " said the nobleman.  "You saved my boy's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied,
waving off the offer.  At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door
of the family hovel.  "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal.  Let me take him and give him a good education.  If
the lad is anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud
of."

And that he did.  In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St. Mary's
Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become throughout the
world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved him?  Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman?  Lord Randolph Churchill.  His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said what goes around comes around.


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The Perfect Man

THe perfect man is gentle,
Never cruel or mean,
Has a beautiful smile,
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man loves cooking,
Cleaning and vacuuming too.
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name.
He's best friends to your mother
And kisses away your plain.

HE NEVER HAS MADE YOU CRY

Ah, to hell with this endless poem,
The perfect man is GAY


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1.   Cats do what they want, when they want.
2.   They rarely listen to you.
3.   They're totally unpredictable.
4.   They whine when they are not happy.
5.   When you want to play whey want to be left alone.
6.   When you want to be alone, they want to  play.
7.   They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8.   They're so moody.
9.   They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion:  Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.


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An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.  The officer said, "Ma'am did
you know you were speeding?"  The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What
did he say?"  The old man yells, "HE SAID YOU WERE SPEEDING."  The patrolman
says, "May I see your license?"  The woman turns to her husband and asks,
"What did he say?"  The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."  The
woman gives him her license.  The patrolman says, "I see you are from
Arkansas.  I spent time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have
ever had.."  The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU", the old man yells.


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Amen!



>From: kdubois@...
>Received: from coh.coh.org by [151.152.101.44]
>          via smtpd (for nic.cerf.net [192.102.249.3]) with SMTP; 8 Feb
1999 10:24:37 UT
>
>     Heaven help us!!!!
>
>
>______________________________ Reply Separator
_________________________________
>Subject: [fun_stuff] IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD.......
>Author:  <fun_stuff@egroups.com> at internet
>Date:    2/6/99 3:51 AM
>
>
>IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD.......
>
>1.  Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward
your
>call to her real number.
>
>2.  Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
>response to "I love you".
>
>3.  Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
>
>4.  When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
>she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
time-out.
>
>5.  Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack on the ass and a "Nice
>hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
>
>6.  Birth control would come in ale or lager.
>
>7.  You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people
you'd
>worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme".
>
>8.  Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL
Team of
>your choice.
>
>9.  The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
>
>10.  "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
>acceptable excuse for tardiness.
>
>11.  At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out
your
>window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your
car
>like Fred Flintstone.
>
>12.  It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on
horned
>helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
>
>13.  Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
"public
>ugliness" ordinance.
>
>14.  Tanks would be far easier to rent.
>
>15.  Garbage would take itself out.
>
>16.  Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".
>
>17.  Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
>wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1".
>
>18.  Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur
>in leap years.  On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the
day
>off to go drinking.  Mother's Day, too.  St. Patrick's Day, however,
would
>remain exactly the same.  But, it would be celebrated every month.
>
>19.  "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to
the
>pursuing cops.
>
>20.  Two words:  Ally McNaked.
>
>21.  Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off
>the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in
>world history.
>
>22.  The Victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat
the
>Losers.
>
>23.  The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
>Football from a Different Camera Angle.
>
>24.  It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
>returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
>
>25.  Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per
year.
>
>26.  When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart aleck answer you
responded
>with would actually reduce your fine.  As in: Cop: "You know how fast
you
>were going? You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the
place."
>Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
>
>27.  Faucets would run Hot, Cold, and 100 Proof.
>
>28.  The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40 foot thong.
>
>29.  People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
>
>30.  Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
>
>31.  Telephones would automatically cut off after 20 seconds of
>conversation.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
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>
>
>
>
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
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>


______________________________________________________

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Heaven help us!!!!


______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________
Subject: [fun_stuff] IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD.......
Author:  <fun_stuff@egroups.com> at internet
Date:    2/6/99 3:51 AM


IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD.......

1.  Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.

2.  Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
response to "I love you".

3.  Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

4.  When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

5.  Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack on the ass and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

6.  Birth control would come in ale or lager.

7.  You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd
worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme".

8.  Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of
your choice.

9.  The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

10.  "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

11.  At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car
like Fred Flintstone.

12.  It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

13.  Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.

14.  Tanks would be far easier to rent.

15.  Garbage would take itself out.

16.  Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".

17.  Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1".

18.  Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur
in leap years.  On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day
off to go drinking.  Mother's Day, too.  St. Patrick's Day, however, would
remain exactly the same.  But, it would be celebrated every month.

19.  "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops.

20.  Two words:  Ally McNaked.

21.  Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off
the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in
world history.

22.  The Victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
Losers.

23.  The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.

24.  It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

25.  Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

26.  When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine.  As in: Cop: "You know how fast you
were going? You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

27.  Faucets would run Hot, Cold, and 100 Proof.

28.  The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40 foot thong.

29.  People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

30.  Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

31.  Telephones would automatically cut off after 20 seconds of
conversation.

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Middle Age

Middle Age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.


Then: Killer Weed
Now:  Weed Killer

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now:  Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now:  Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now:  Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now:  Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now:  Mercedes Logo

Then: OJ, cutting & slashing
Now:  OJ, cutting & slashing

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now:  Getting your headstone

Then: "The Making of the President"
Now:  The making of the President

Then: Long hair
Now:  Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now:  Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now:  Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now:  Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: The perfect high
Now:  The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now:  Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now:  EKG

Then: Swallowing acid
Now:  Swallowing antacid

Then: pothead
Now:  potbelly

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now:  Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now:  Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test
Now:  Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems
Now:  Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now:  Popping joints

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel
Now:  Our president's struggle with fidelity.

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MEN AND SEX


A recent survey was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex.  It
was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that
begin with "T".


Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday


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HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES


English................I love you
Spanish..............Te Amo
French.................Je T'aime
German...............Ich Liebe Dich
Eskimo................Nagligivaget
Greek...................S' Agapo
Irish......................Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew................Ani Ohev Otakh
Finnish.................Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Maltese................Jien Inhobbok
Russian................Ya Lyublyu Tyebya

Redneck...............Nice Boobs



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Q - Who sends a thousand cards on Valentine's Day signed "Guess Who"?

A - A Divorce Lawyer.




Q - What's the perfect "Breakup Gift" to give to someone for Valentine's
Day?

A- A copy of the book "Sex For Dummies".


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GROSS!!!!!!!!!!! :-))

-----Original Message-----
From: gr8humor <gr8humor@...>
Date: Saturday, February 06, 1999 2:00 AM
Subject: Things Dogs Must Try To Remember...

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember...

* I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear.

* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
   coffee table.

* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

* I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

* I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
   the house when I am about to throw up.

* I will not throw up in the car.

* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

* I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

* Kitty box crunchies are not food.

* I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the
   backyard after processing.

* The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

* I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom.

* I will not lick and suck on my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

* I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my
   people will think I am hemorrhaging.

* When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when
   it's raining outside.

* I will not bark each time I hear a doorbell on TV.

* I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard
   with it.

* The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

* I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
   license and car registration

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IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD.......

1.  Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.

2.  Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
response to "I love you".

3.  Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

4.  When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

5.  Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack on the ass and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

6.  Birth control would come in ale or lager.

7.  You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd
worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme".

8.  Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of
your choice.

9.  The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

10.  "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

11.  At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car
like Fred Flintstone.

12.  It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

13.  Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.

14.  Tanks would be far easier to rent.

15.  Garbage would take itself out.

16.  Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".

17.  Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1".

18.  Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur
in leap years.  On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day
off to go drinking.  Mother's Day, too.  St. Patrick's Day, however, would
remain exactly the same.  But, it would be celebrated every month.

19.  "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops.

20.  Two words:  Ally McNaked.

21.  Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off
the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in
world history.

22.  The Victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
Losers.

23.  The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.

24.  It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

25.  Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

26.  When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine.  As in: Cop: "You know how fast you
were going? You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

27.  Faucets would run Hot, Cold, and 100 Proof.

28.  The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40 foot thong.

29.  People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

30.  Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

31.  Telephones would automatically cut off after 20 seconds of
conversation.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
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-----Original Message-----
From: Joke List <rodney@...>
To: rcjokelist@... <rcjokelist@...>
Date: Wednesday, February 03, 1999 11:27 PM
Subject: Bumper Sticker Philosophy

Bumper Sticker Philosophy


Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...  coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

We now return you to the joke, already in progress.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for
you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

Change is inevitable...  except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.



                  Life is Unfair

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way.  Then you live in an old
age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch,
you go to work.  You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for
high school.  You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you
have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into
the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
You finish off as an orgasm.

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For those of you who happen to be........M

-----Original Message-----
From: Mustard Humor <cathy@...>
To: mustardhumor@onelist.com <mustardhumor@onelist.com>
Date: Wednesday, February 03, 1999 9:28 PM
Subject: I'm Glad I'm a Woman...

    I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
    I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
    I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
    I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
    I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
    and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

    I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
    my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
    and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
    or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
    I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
    I'm a woman you see --  I'm just not that kind!

    I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
    I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
    It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
    When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
    And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
    I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
    Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
    I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

    I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
    I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
    I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
    stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
    or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
    then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

    Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
    you can forget all about that old penis envy
    I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
    join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
    I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
    I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

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>
>There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.


It's time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on three leading candidates.

  Candidate A:
  + Associates with ward healers and consults with astrologists.
  + He's had two mistresses.
  + He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

  Candidate B:
  + Was kicked out of office twice.
  + Sleeps until noon.
  + Used opium in college.
  + Drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

  Candidate C:
  + Is a decorated war hero.
  + He's a vegetarian
  + Doesn't smoke,
  + Drinks an occasional beer
  + Hasn't had any illicit affairs.

  Which of these candidates is your choice?

  You don't really need any more information, do you?


  VOTE BEFORE GOING SCROLLING DOWN

>
>
>
>
>
>
>>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> >
> >
>
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
> >
>
>


______________________________________________________

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50 Things for Professors to do the first day of Class
http://web.psych.ualberta.ca/~lori/jokes/profs.html

1.Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2.After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for
attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was
the last day to drop.

3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY
PACEMAKER!"

4.Wear leather pants, a chain belt and carry a riding crop.

5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear
you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".

7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?"

8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering
"tsk, tsk".

9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".

10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.

11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.

13.Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline
number on the board.

14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex
Machine."

16.Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would
know" and move on before anyone can answer.

17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by
the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you
as you pace back and forth.

19.Address students as "worm".

20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing
spirituals.

22.Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver
as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23.Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name,
rank, and serial number.

24.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce
that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

25.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a
question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

26.Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for
several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and
proceed normally.

27.Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a
question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your
hands.

28.Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

29.Growl constantly and address students as "matey".

30.Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and
ask students to "sit back and groove".

31.Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
projects.

32.Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all
their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

33.Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee"
and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the
dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

34.Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".

35.Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11
number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in
place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

36.Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.

37.Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

38.Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

39.Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40.Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten
minutes.

41.Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the
funk".

42.Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver
them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43.Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

44.Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be
required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark
through Armenia, for next class.

45.Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.
Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

46.Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47.Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

48.Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49.Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep
their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug
I picked up in the field".

50.Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped?
ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

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-----Original Message-----
From: kdubois@... <kdubois@...>
To: xntry1@... <xntry1@...>
Date: Tuesday, February 02, 1999 1:21 PM
Subject: Fw: Proof reading pays

Proof reading would pay.

More ACTUAL Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins:

1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of
the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk
will please come early.

8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing
"Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private
study.

10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.

11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies
will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will
come forward and get a piece of paper.

13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.

22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing
for the girth of their first child.

22) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

23) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

24) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."

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Tuesday tear-jerkers.........................M

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: RE: Lessons in Life

Six Great Lessons
The Important Things Life Teaches You...

~ 1 ~ Most Important Question
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop
quiz.  I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the
questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the
woman who cleans the school?"  Surely this was some kind of joke. I had
seen the cleaning woman several times.  She was tall, dark-haired and in
her 50s, but how would I know her name?  I handed in my paper, leaving
the last question blank.

Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count
toward our quiz grade.  "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your
careers you will meet many people. All are significant.  They deserve
your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'Hello'."
I've never forgotten that lesson.  I also learned her name was Dorothy.

~ 2 ~ Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on
the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm.
Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet,
she decided to flag down the next car.  A young white man stopped to
help her - generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man
took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a
taxicab.  She seemed to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address,
thanked him and drove away.

Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise,
a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was
attached.  It read:  "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but also my
spirits.  Then you came along.  Because of you, I was able to make it to
my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away.  God bless you
for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole

~ 3 ~ Always remember those who serve
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy
entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table.  A waitress put a glass
of water in front of him.  "How much is an ice cream sundae?" "Fifty
cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his
pocket and studied a number of coins in it.  "How much is a dish of
plain ice cream?" he inquired.  Some people were now waiting for a table
and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said
brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins.  "I'll have the plain
ice cream," he said.  The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill
on the table and walked away.  The boy finished the ice cream, paid the
cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping down
the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw.  There, placed neatly
beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip.

~ 4 ~ The Obstacle in Our Path
In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway.  Then he hid
himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of
the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked
around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear,
but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables.  On approaching
the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road.  After much pushing and straining, he
finally succeeded.  As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he
noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been.  The purse
contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the
gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.
The peasant learned what many others never understand. Every obstacle
presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.

~ 5 ~ Giving Blood
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got
to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and
serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived
the same disease and had developed the antibodies, needed to combat the
illness.  The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and
asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.  I
saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and
saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liz."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister a.
He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start
to die right away?" Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he
thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood.

~ 6 ~ I've Two Choices
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate.  He was always in a good
mood and always had something positive to say.  When someone would ask
him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be
twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had
followed him around from restaurant to restaurant.  The reason the
waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude.  He was a natural
motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling
the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry
and asked him, "I don't get it!  You can't be a positive person all of
the time.  How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you
have two choices today.  You can choose to be in a good mood or you can
choose to be in a bad mood."  I choose to be in a good mood. Each time
something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to
learn from it.  I choose to learn from it.  Every time someone comes to
me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point
out the positive side of life.  I choose the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said,

"Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every
situation is a choice.  You choose how you react to situations.  You
choose how people will affect your mood.  You choose to be in a good
mood or bad mood.  The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said.  Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant
industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought
about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never
supposed to do in a restaurant business, he left the back door open one
morning and was held up at gun point by three armed robbers. While
trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off
the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him.  Luckily, Jerry was
found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18
hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from
the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw
Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was,
he said, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I
declined to see his wounds but did ask him what had gone through his
mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my
mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then,
as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices - I could
choose to live, or I could choose to die.  I chose to live. "Weren't you
scared?  Did you lose consciousness?"  I asked. Jerry continued, "The
paramedics were great.  They kept telling me I was going to be fine.
But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the
expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.
In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man. " I knew I needed to take
action." "What did you do?"  I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse
shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to
anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as
they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!'
Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live.  Operate on me
as if I am alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his
amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice
to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

You have 2 choices now: 1. Save or delete this mail from your mailbox,
or 2. Forward it to people you care about. Hope you will choose No. 2.

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.

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I guess it was only a matter of time.................M
_______________________________________________________

"If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquillity of servitude
greater than the animating contest for freedom, go home from us in peace.
We seek not your consul, nor your arms.  Crouch down and lick the hand that
feeds you.  May your chains set lightly upon you;  and may posterity forget
ye were our countrymen."

. . . . . . . . . Samuel Adams (American Patriot)

>>>>>>>> Vote Libertarian and WIN a FREE country! <<<<<<<<
_______________________________________________________

-----Original Message-----
From: mark@... <mark@...>
To: sdlp@... <sdlp@...>
Date: Monday, February 01, 1999 9:54 AM
Subject: FW: IRS

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed is the penis.
This is due to the fact that:

          40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed,
          20% of the time it's pissed off,
          30% of the time it's hard up,
          10% of the time it's in the hole.

In addition to of all this, it has two dependents, and they're both nuts.

Accordingly,  starting January 1, 1999,  penii will be taxed according
to size ! ! !

To determine the category,  please consult the chart below and confirm
this information on page 2, Section 7,  Line 3,  of the standard 1040P form.

        10 to 12 inches                 Luxury Tax          $50.00
        8  to 10 inches                 Pole Tax            $30.00
         6  to 8 inches                 Privilege Tax       $15.00
         4  to 6 inches                 Nuisance Tax        $5.00

PLEASE NOTE:  Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENTION ! ! ! ! ! ! !

***** Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains

       Sincerely,
       Pecker Checker
       Internal Revenue Service

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