Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
     found at http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

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                          02-23-2001
Hi Everyone!

      Still digging out from the snow (well, my wife
      Shelly did the digging!)  Fire up your browsers
      for a couple of these … and watch out for those
      off-color ones!  Oh boy!  But they're great …
      thanks everybody!

      Have a great weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
o    RTFM
o    Executive's Quandry
o    Top Headlines
o    Mammaries
o    Bubbie and Zayde
o    Deflating Daddy
o    The Collar
o    Jack Schitt Animated
o    Bull Generator
o    More Of Those Newspaper Headlines
o    The Writer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide) - RTFM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How to 'read the f***ing manual", from someone with a sense
of humour at microsoft... (watch out in case the full URL wraps to a
second line!)

www.microsoft.com&item=q209354@.../pub/mskb/Q209354.asp

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler via Barry) - Executive's Quandry (an oldie)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of
his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people,
Debra or Jack.  It would be a hard decision to make, as they
were both equally qualified  and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used
the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the
next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She
went to the  cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and
the executive approached  her and said: "Debra, I've never
done this before, but I have to lay you  or Jack off." Debra
replied, "Could you jack off....I have a  terrible
headache."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Lon Peper) - Top Headlines
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Melbourne's one and only tabloid newspaper.....

The Herald Sun's  Best Newspaper Headlines of 2000

   o    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

   o    Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

   o    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

   o    Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

   o    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

   o    Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

   o    Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

   o    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

   o    Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

   o    Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

   o    Miners Refuse to Work After Death

   o    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from CookieSJE) - Mammaries
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   Breast emotions - Finally, something other than  smiley faces.

   (o)(o)
   Perfect breasts

   (   )(   )
   Fake silicone breasts

   (*)(*)
   Perky breasts

   (@)(@)
   Big nipple breasts

   oo
   A cups

   { O }{ O }
   D cups

   (oYo)
   Wonder bra breasts

   ( ^ )( ^ )
   Cold breasts

   (o)(O)
   Lopsided breasts

   (Q)(O)
   Pierced Nipple Breasts

   (p)(p)
   Hanging Tassels Breasts

   \ o /\ o/
   Grandma's Breasts/my breasts

   (  -  )(  -  )
   Against The Shower Door Breasts

   | o |  | o |
   Android Breasts

   ($)($)
   Martha Stewart's Breasts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 Breasts --
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked
the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman
exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand,
"What can be done with this useless boob?" And God created
man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Oscar Bennett) - Bubbie and Zayde
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gramma Bubbie and Grandpa Zayde  are visiting the kids
overnight when    Zayde finds a bottle of Viagra in his
son's medicine cabinet.    He asks the son about using one
of the pills and the   son says, "I don't think you should
take one; they're very    strong and very expensive."
"How much do they cost?" asks the Zayde.    $10.00 a pill
answers the son.    "I don't care," says Zayde, "I'd like to
try one and I'll leave  the    money under your pillow as
soon as I break this $50.00 bill."    The next morning the
son finds $110.00 under his pillow.    He says to the Zayde,
"I told you each pill was $10.00, not    $110.00."    "I
know," says Zayde, the extra hundred is from your Bubbie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Woodward) - Deflating Daddy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is
preparing a meal and says, "Mom, the last few nights I have
woke up  to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom
and when I look to see  what it is, you're sitting on top of
dad and bouncing up and down. Why are  you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad  is
a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal
size.  I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

    The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom,
you're wasting your time, because, once a week, that nice-
looking lady  next door comes over and blows daddy right
back up!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Randy Martin) - The Collar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He
noticed that  the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so
he asked him, "Excuse me,sir, but why do you have your shirt
collar on backwards?

"The man smiled kindly and answered,"I wear this collar
because I am a Father."

Little Johnny thought a second and responded, "Sir, I have a
father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do
you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father
for many."

Little Johnny quickly answered, "My father, too, is the
father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many
grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else
does. Why do you wear yours backwards?" The priest,
flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father for hundreds
and hundreds of people."

Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to
leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said,
"Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Frank Ingrassia) - Jack Schitt Animated
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although I have seen this many times before, I really
enjoyed the animation.
http://www.twistedhumor.com/program_files/knowjackschitt.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Joel Goldstein) - Bull Generator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Watch how many of the phrases people are using in
presentations today.

http://www.dack.com/web/bullshit.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More of those newspaper headlines:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   o    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

   o    War Dims Hope for Peace

   o    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

   o    Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

   o    Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

   o    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

   o    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

   o    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

   o    Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

   o    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chuck Hopf) - The Writer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to
become a great writer.  "I want to write things the whole
world will read," he declared.  "Stuff that will elicit
strong emotions from people in every walk of life.  I want
my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and
anger."

     He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash,
writing error messages for Microsoft.

                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2001.  All Rights Reserved.

Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
     found at http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
          fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com

              To UNsubscribe - send  an eMail to
         fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@eGroups.com

                          02-16-2001
Hi Everyone!

      They're terrific … thanks everyone … hope you have
      a great weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
o    Just Rewards
o    Dentists
o    Signs Of The Time
o    Explanation
o    Sales?
o    Needs a Little Help
o    Kids Say …
o    The Frog
o    Working Man Blues
o    The River
o    Ad

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Hank Levine via Barry) - Just Rewards
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seymour Schwartz was a good and deeply religious man.  When
Seymour passed away, God greeted him at the Pearly Gates.
"Hungry, Seymour?" asked God.

"I could eat," Seymour replied. So God opened a can of tuna
and reached for a chunk of fresh rye bread and they shared
it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell
and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters,
pheasants, pastries and many fine wines.

Curious, but deeply trusting, Seymour remained silent.  The
next day God again invited Seymour to join Him for a meal.
Again, they ate tuna and rye bread.

Once again looking down, Seymour could see the denizens of
Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and
chocolates.  Still Seymour said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna
was opened.

Seymour could contain himself no longer.  Meekly, he said:
"God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for
the pious, obedient life I led.  But here in heaven all I
eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, whereas in that Other
Place they eat like emperors and kings!

Forgive me, Lord, but I just don't understand." God sighed
and replied, "Let's be honest, Seymour.  For just two
people, does it pay to cook?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from CookieSJE) - Needs a Little Help
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked
the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you
want?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can
you cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't
get you through sex."

The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right.  I'm past eighty
years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore.  I just
want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Dentists
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  A lady fell for her handsome new dental surgeon like a ton
of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of
passionate encounters in the dental  clinic after hours.

  But one day he said sadly, "Honey, we have to stop seeing
each other. Your  husband's bound to get suspicious."

  "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him.
"Besides, we've  been screwing for six months now and he
doesn't suspect a thing."

  "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(another from Barbara) - Signs Of The Time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your
cervix."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE
Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next
blowout."

At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you
a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager
shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We
want tows."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Frederick Woods via Duopubs) - Explanation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Explanation
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson:

Due to the great consternation
caused by the revelation
of my act of procreation,
I accept my obligation
to give an explanation
to the population
for my act of copulation.

I gave in to temptation,
for the anticipation
of sexual gratification,
that I could not obtain through masturbation,
which resulted in my fornication.

I accepted her invitation,
and provided her with excitation,
stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation.
She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation)
and I wore condoms to avoid contamination.
She cried for duplication
but I insisted upon termination,
in spite of her fascination
with variation.

This has caused me great aggravation,
and the agitation and provocation
of the media has resulted in my humiliation,
denigration, and degradation.
My wife is considering castration,
which would require my hospitalization.

Pray that this matter will find culmination
in my sanctification and,rehabilitation
so that my plans for nomination
to my ultimate vocation
will not result in revocation and termination.

I hope this proclamation
has provided illumination and verification
and will prohibit further provocation.

Sincerely,
The Rev. Jesse Jackson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Ken) - Sales?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the
turbulence, a young woman turned to a Lubavitcher sitting
next  to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Rabbi,  you're
a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster) - Kids Say …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when four-year-
old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand and led him to the
shore, where a sea gull lay dead in
the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.  "He
died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.  The boy thought
a moment and then said, "Did
God throw him back down?"

*****************************************************

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When
I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."  "Well,  thank
you," the pastor replied, "but
why?"  "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest
preachers we've ever had."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Clark Kidd) - The Frog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting
next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to
shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."  The man looks around
and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He
looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts
the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10
inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.  You must be a
lucky frog, eh?"  The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man
is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.  By the end of
the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, "OK, what next?"  The frog replies,
"Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the
roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this
is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding
back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know
how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am
forever grateful."  The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He
figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he
deserves it. With a  kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-
year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended
up in my room. So help me, or my name is not William
Jefferson Clinton."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Randy Martin) - Working Man Blues
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned
... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I
just couldn't hack it, so
...they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't
suited for it. Mainly because
...it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that
...was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but
...I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a
little spice to my life but I just
...didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I
sliced it, I
...couldn't cut the mustard.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Ken) - The River
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great
fervor. "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river." And the congregation cried,
"Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it
and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried,
"Amen!" "And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the
world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river." And the
congregation cried, "Amen!" The preacher sat down. The
deacon stood up. "For our closing hymn," he announced, "let
us turn to page 126 and sing, 'We shall gather at the
river'."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from William Teed) - Ad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: "You can have mine."

                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2001.  All Rights Reserved.

NOT A JOKE -- I wanted to pass this on in case you haven't seen it yet ...

      :)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computer Virus Alert
Attachment called AnnaKournikova.JPG.VBS

A new computer virus dubbed VBS.SST with an attachment called
AnnaKournikova.JPG.VBS has been reported in IBM. In the e-mail subject line
it says: Here you have, ;o)

This virus spreads itself through address entries in Microsoft Outlook mail
exchange. However, at  this time, it does not appear to cause any harm to
computer files.

If you see this virus, delete it immediately. Do not forward, open, detach
or view.

For those of you that know me, I do not send out virus notifications unless
they are real. Got this today from internal IBM notification methods.

Thanks,

Linda J. Carroll
Mainframe Capacity Planning
IBM Global Services - Service Delivery Center

ljcarrll@...

A problem is a chance for you to do your best.   --   Duke Ellington

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
     found at http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
          fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com

              To UNsubscribe - send  an eMail to
         fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@eGroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                          02-09-2001

Hi Everyone!

      Shorties, groaners … just right to end the week!
      Have a great weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
o    Bringing Her Home the First Time to Meet Mom
o    Vegas
o    Changing of the Guard
o    Groaner
o    Riddle
o    News About Florida
o    Walking at the Beach
o    Pope
o    The Farmer and the Trooper
o    Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
o    Ode to Golf

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Alan of the Rosenbergs) - Bringing Her Home the First
Time to Meet Mom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love
and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm
going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one
I'm going to marry."

  The mother agrees.

  The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house
and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma.  Guess which one I'm going to
marry."

  She immediately replies, "The blond in the middle."

  "That's amazing, Ma. Your right. How did you know?"

  "Because, I don't like her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Vegas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man comes home and finds his wife sitting on the porch
with her bags  packed.  He asked where she is going and she
replied, "I'm going to  Vegas.  I just found out I can earn
$400 a night doing what I give you for free."  He goes
inside, packs his bags, and returns to the porch.  "And what
do  you  think you are doing?" she asks.  He responds, "I'm
going too.  I want to  see  how you are going to live on
$800 a year"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel) - Groaner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The blond called up the airline ticket counter and asked,
"How long are your flights from Los Angeles to Phoenix?"

The counterman answered, "Just a minute."

At which, the blond thanked him and hung up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Aunt Marilyn) - Riddle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD and NOT using paper
and a pen.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add
30. Another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add
10. What is the total?

Scroll all the way down!!!!!!!!!!














Did you get 5000?  The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check it with a calculator or on paper!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dave Thorn) - Changing of the Guard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was recently discovered that, in honor of President
George "W." Bush, all of the "W'"s on the White House
keyboards were stolen by outgoing President Clinton's staff.
What has been supressed by the liberal media is some of the
graffiti left behind the Big Dog himself. Among the slogans
found:

o    "I came, I saw, I almost nailed a college chick."
o    "Grammar is not a cracker"
o    "A "Yalie" is NOT an ethnic group."
o    "Guns Don't Kill People. Irresponsible, Short-Sighted
Lobby Groups Do."
o    "It's the economy, stupid. Not the 'economonoly.'"
o    "Does Colin Powell come with Kung-Fu grip?"
o    "Excuse ME for the economic boom."
o    "During Press Conferences 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'
policy might work for you."
o    "Freeing the gentle "oil monsters" is not a reason to
drill in Alaska."
o    "The National Missile Defense System is NOT compatible
with your PlayStation 2."
o    "Compassionate Conservatism = You're black? Sucks to be
you."
o    "You're President, dude! High Five!"
o    "Screw the 'Will of the People'. You're the Chief! YEAH
BABY!"
o    "Betty Curry = One Hot Mama"
o    "Bill and Monica 4 Eva"
o    "If Air Force One's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'"
o    "Sandra Day O'Conner is one sweet glass of broad juice,
huh?"
o    "Tom DeLay is angry because he can't get De Laid!"
o    "For a Good Time Call Ken Starr: 212-555-9878"
o    "You Ain't Got No Mandate! Bwah-Ha-Ha!"
o    "Screw 'Personal Responsibility' - You're President!"
o    "Second Button from the Left - Nuclear Missile Launch
Countdown"
o    "Third Button from the Left - Presidential Trapdoor and
tiger pit."
o    "Fourth Button from the Left - Presidential beer tap"
o    "When's the first raging kegger?"
o    "NORAD is not the opposite of RAD!"
o    "The Secret Service cannot fly and don't train on Wudon
Mountain."
o    "Congratulations President Cheney!"
o    "Senator Clinton says: "YOU CAN'T ESCAPE US!"
o    "Where'd that Texas accent come from, Connecticut Boy?"
o    "What's Daddy gonna get you next Christmas?"
o    "A Poem: SADDAM - Your Daddam Almost Haddam. BWAH-HA-
HA!"
o    "South and North Dakota are not at war."
o    "Make sure to fry every last criminable."
o    "You can't replace the Secret Service with BattleBots."
o    "Go ahead and put the EPA in that lockbox Al was gonna
use."
o    "Fuzzy calculator in bottom drawer."
o    "Need advice? Call Atlantic City... Ask for Bill."
o    "COORS is not a government agency."
o    "Do not refer to Prime Ministers as 'Hoss.'"
o    "Red Dawn was not a documentary."
o    "Chug! Chug! Chug!"
o    "Presidential perk #1: Free Nacho cheese at Taco Bell!"
o    "Presidential perk #2: You can prank call anyone,
anywhere, anytime. The FBI won't do crap!"
o    "Presidential perk #3: Camp David skeet shooting --
with Tomahawk missiles!"
o    "Presidential perk #4: You're paid to lie!"
o    "God Save Florida."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Barra) - News About Florida
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was recently watching a video of that old 1948 thriller
"Key Largo" with Edward G.  Robinson, Humphrey Bogart, and
Lionel Barrymore.  I practically fell out of my chair at one
point when Robinson (playing a gangster as only he could)
says to the good guy (Bogart): "Let me tell you about
Florida politicians.  I make them out of whole cloth, just
like a tailor makes a suit.  I get their name in the
newspaper.  I get them some publicity and get them on the
ballot. Then after the election, we count the votes.  And if
they don't turn out right, we recount them.  And recount
them again. Until they do."

(THIS WAS IN 1948)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - Walking at the Beach
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old
bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a
genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle.
In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know
exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a
Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash of light and a
piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He
continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right
here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red
brand new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues,
"Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof!

There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of
chocolates.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from CookieSJE) - Pope
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio
Secola whose  lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.
In the same year Timothy  was born in Ireland, Antonio was
born in Italy. Faithfully they  attended  parochial school
from kindergarten through their Senior year in High  School.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in
college,  and upon graduation became priests. Their careers
had come to amaze the  world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut  above Timothy in
all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop,
Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the
least, and the  Catholic world knew that when the present
Pope died, it  would be either Timothy or Antonio who would
become the next Pope. In  time the Pope did die, and the
College of Cardinals went to work. In  less time than anyone
expected smoke rose from the chimney and the  world  waited
to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant,
and  secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had
been elected  Pope.  Antonio was beyond surprise, he was
devastated because, even with all  Timothy's giftedness,
Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With  gall that
shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session
with them in which he candidly asked,  "Why Timothy?'  After
long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered
Antonio  and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of
the two, but we just  could not bear the thought of the
leader of the Roman Catholic Church  being called. . . .
   *
   *
   *
   *
   *
   *
   *
   *
   *
   *
   *
Are you ready for this??  *  *  *

Pope Secola


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chuck Hopf) - The Farmer and the Trooper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding,
and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his
speed, and began to throw his weight around to try to make
the farmer uncomfortable.

   Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket,
and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that
were buzzing around his head.

   The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies
there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and
said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard
of circle flies."

   So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on
farms.  See they're called circle flies because they're
almost always found circling around the back end of a
horse."

   The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket.  Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait
a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'

   The farmer says, "Oh no officer.  I have to much respect
for law enforcement and police officers to even think about
calling you a horse's ass?"  The trooper says, "Well, that's
a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

   After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them
flies, though..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from ricktrap) -  Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to
stop     and ask for directions.

9. You know, Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be
ready for    unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours"
attitude.    I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car - GO
CRAZY.

6. What do you mean, you wanna play football? Figure skating
not good    enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend; you
might want to    consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably
one of those    doo-hickey thingies - you know - that makes
it run or something.    Just have it towed to a mechanic and
pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without
an earring;    now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to
the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of
money for you to spend.

And the number one thing you'll never hear a Dad say...

1. Father's Day? Aaahh, don't worry about that. It's no big
deal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Ode to Golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In my hand i hold a ball,
white and dimpled, rather small.
oh, how bland it does appear,
this harmless looking little sphere.

by it's size i could not guess,
the awesome strength it does possess.
but since i fell beneath its spell,
i've wandered through the fires of hell.

my life has not been quite the same,
since i chose to play this game.
it rules my mind for hours on end,
a fortune it has made me spend.

it has made me curse and cry,
i hate myself and want to die.
it promises a thing called par,
if i can hit it straight and far.

to master such a tiny ball,
should not be very hard at all.
but my desires the ball refuses,
and does exactly as it chooses.

it hooks and slices, dribbles and dies,
or disappears before my eyes.
often it will have a whim,
to hit a tree or take a swim.

with miles of grass on which to land,
it finds a tiny patch of sand.
then has me offering up my soul,
if only it would find the hole.

it's made me whimper like a pup,
and swear that i will give it up.
and take to drink to ease my sorrow,
but the ball knows -
i'll be back tomorrow


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2001.  All Rights Reserved.

Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
     found at http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
          fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com

              To UNsubscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@eGroups.com

                          02-02-2001

Hi Everyone!

      It's Groundhog Day.  Puxatawny Phil saw his shadow
this morning … 6 more weeks of winter!  Ugh!
Hopefully, these fUNNIES will bring a little sunshine
to you today!

      Have a great weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    Redneck Vacation Plans
·    Presidential Bumper Stickers
·    Style Points
·    How 'Bout Them Onions
·    Resolutions for Internet Junkies
·    The Land of the Free and the Home of the Stupid
·    Superbowl Ticket
·    Windows 98: New Jersey Edition
·    Taking Care of Yourself
·    The Convict
·    The Penis Poem

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steve Judovin and from John Epler via Barry) - Redneck
Vacation Plans
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Billy Bob and Lester are talking one afternoon when Billy
Bob tells Lester,  "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a
vacation. Only this year I'm gonna  do it a little
different.  The last few years, I took your suggestions as
to  where to go.  Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and  Marie got pregnant.  Then two years
ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,  and Marie got
pregnant again.  Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned
if  Marie didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year
that's different?"

"This year I'm taking Marie with me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Lon Peper) - Presidential Bumper Stickers
   ·    Campaign spending: $184,000,000.
      Having your little brother rig the election for you:
      Priceless

   ·    "Those who cast the votes decide nothing.
      Those who count the votes decide everything."
      -Joseph Stalin

   ·    Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think

   ·    If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us
      Candidates

   ·    Jews for Buchanan

   ·    What popular vote?

   ·    My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this
      lousy President

   ·    Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo

   ·    DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE........
      LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU

   ·    Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant.

   ·    Here I am sad and demented, tried to penetrate but only
      indented.

   ·    I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER

   ·    IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES

   ·    The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.

   ·    The skies (wheeze) of Texas (cough) are upon you!
      (choke)

   ·    Banana Republicans

   ·    George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had

   ·    The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks
      wandered in the desert for 40 years


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack) - Style Points
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition. Here are some recent winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra
credit)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - How 'Bout Them Onions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Charlie wanted a new way of birth control and his doctor
suggested vasectomy. Charlie agreed and the doctor said he
could perform the operation in his office.  At a crucial
moment during the procedure one of Charlie's testicles fell
on the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels
accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. However, the
doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk.
Taking an onion, and realizing it was the right size and
weight, he placed it in Charlie's scrotum and completed the
operation. A few weeks later, Charlie returned for a check
up. When the doctor asked how things were going, this was
Charlie's reply.

"Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but
there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love
my wife gets heartburn, when I pee my eyes water, and
whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from ricktrap) - Resolutions for Internet Junkies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail
addresses.

*I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone
call every now and then would be appreciated.

*I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

*I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with
which I answer my e-mail.

*I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on
the phone at the same time with the same person.

*I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once
a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a
year.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - The Land of the Free and the Home
of the Stupid
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in
front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the  back of the store to get their prescriptions
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......can a disabled combat veteran sleep
in a box on the street while a draft dodger sleeps in the
white house.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.!

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to
screen calls, and then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call, from  someone we didn't want to talk to in the first
place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many'
and 'tics' meaning 'blood sucking creatures'.

10.Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(another from Barbara) - Superbowl Ticket
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Superbowl. As he sits
down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting
in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Superbowl, the biggest
sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife
was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is
the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got
married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But
couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or
even a neighbor -- to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head.

"No. They're all at the funeral."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sid Soberman) - Windows 98: New Jersey Edition
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
WINDOWS 98 NEW JERSEY EDITION may have accidentally been
shipped outside New Jersey. If you have one of these, you
may need some help understanding the commands.

The New Jersey edition may be recognized by the unique
opening screen.  It reads: WINDAS 98, with a background
picture of a Parkway toll plaza.  It is shipped with a
Sopranos screen saver.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Newark"

My Computer is called "my friggin' computer"

Control Panel is known as the "The bosses"

Hard Drive is referred to as "287 Rush Hour"

Instead of an error message a "You're not gonna friggin'
believe this"
pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN NEW JERSEY EDITION:

OK...........................Sure ting
Cancel......................That's It
Reset.......................Start Ova
Yes..........................Yeah
No............................Nah
Find..........................Put a contract out on
Go to........................Go to Exit
Back.........................U turn
Help..........................(Help is not available...that
would admit a
weakness)
Stop..........................Friggin' stop
Start..........................C'mon
Settings.....................Rules

Also note that any voice recognition software run on the NEW
JERSEY
EDITION platform does not recognize the letter "r."

Some programs that are exclusive to WINDAS 98:

Typa........................................A word
processing program
Calculata.................................Calculator
Dunkin Donuts Napkin...............Notepad
Porn Hunt.................................Microsoft Explorer
4.0
My Porn...................................A graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you
received a copy of
the New Jersey EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement
version.

I hope this solves your NJ os problems, have a nice freakn'
day.


Thanks

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Just Annette) - Taking Care of Yourself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
material we put into out stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here,       years ago. Red meat is awful,
it clogs your arteries. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables and
fruit sprayed with chemicals can be disastrous, and none of
us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our
drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?   A 75-year-
old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler) - The Convict
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had
spent 25 years of his life in prison. While on the run, he
broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been
sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one
side of the room and tied his wife to the bed. He got on the
bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her
neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room
to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this
guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your
neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go
along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong
and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife
says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're
right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't
kissing my neck... He was whispering in my ear. He said he
thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline
in the bathroom... Be strong ... and... I love you too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Woodward) - The Penis Poem
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  My nookie days are over,
  My pilot light is out,
  What used to be my sex appeal,
  Is now my water spout.


  Time was when, on its own accord,
  From my trousers it would spring,
  But now I've got a full-time job,
  To find the blasted thing.


  It used to be embarrassing,
  The way it would behave,
  For every single morning,
  It would stand and watch me shave.


  Now as old age approaches,
  It sure gives me the blues,
  To see it hang its little head,
  And watch me tie my shoes!


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2001.  All Rights Reserved.

Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at
          http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

           To subscribe - send  an eMail to
     fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com

          To UNsubscribe - send  an eMail to
     fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@eGroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                          01-26-2001
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Everyone!

      A great lady and terrific friend - Becky Goldstein
      - passed away suddenly this week. She always had a
      smile, always sent me jokes, always made me laugh
      - I'll miss her.  This issue of the fUNNIES  is
      dedicated to her.

      Thanks to everyone who sent me some great fUNNIES
      this week … it helped.  And of course, how could
      the week go by without some Superbowl humor
      (remember, I was born and have lived all my life
      in the metropolitan Big Apple)!  Hope you all have
      a great weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
· Bedtime Prayers
· Ravens Fan
· What If's and Why's
· Sperm Bank
· At The Drugstore
· Top 10 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
· The 3 Kick Rule
· Beer Troubleshooting
· 19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn By Dave Barry
· Only a Jewish Mother
· A Christmas Tale

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Bedtime Prayers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bedtime Prayer (for men)

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who's very cheap.

One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.

Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she wants no more.

Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's a LOT from behind!

One who'll screw till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

Amen.
==============================================
Bedtime Prayer (for women)

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong.
He's not afraid to admit it when he's wrong.

One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call,  he doesn't wait 6 weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed
and won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask, "How fat is my behind?"

One who'll wake love till my body's a twitchin'.
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.

Thank You in advance and now I'll just wait,
for I know You will send him before it's too late.

Amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Randy Martin) - Ravens Fan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a
Ravens fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if
they are Ravens fans too.

Not really knowing what a Ravens fan is, but wanting to be
liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.  There
is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along
with the crowd.  The teacher asks her why she has decided to
be different.

"Because I'm not a Ravens fan," she retorts.

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud New York Giants Fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly
red. She asks the little girl why she is a Giants fan.

"Well, My Dad and Mom are Giants fans, so I'm a Giants fan
too, "she responds.

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says
loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was an
idiot. What would you be then?"

"Oh," says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be a Ravens
fan."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Meeker) - What If's and Why's
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and
you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just
stale bread to begin with.

10. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but
a person drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest
sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree
surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed
UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of
bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ...
they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese
mothers use?  Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't
they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to
drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is
winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it
didn't zigzag?

27. Ever wonder how deep oceans would be, if sponges didn't
live there?

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

30. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
from?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from CookieSJE) - Sperm Bank
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman is working late at a sperm bank. All of a sudden a
man breaks through the window with a ski mask on and a gun
in his hand. He looks at the woman and says, "Drink one of
the sperm samples or else I'll blow your brains out!!" The
woman looks very disturbed and grabs a sample and drinks it
down. The man looks at her and puts his gun away, then he
pulls his ski mask off to reveal it is her husband. He says,
"See honey, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(another from Cookie) - At The Drugstore
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was
the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store,
so there were no males employed there. She then asked if
there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a
permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me
for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my
sister.

When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3
ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living
expenses."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster) - Top 10 Things To Say If You Get Caught
  Sleeping At Your Desk
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9.  "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved
about in that time management course you sent me to."

8.  "Whew!  Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You
probably got here just in time."

7.  "I wasn't sleeping!  I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6.  "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5.  "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress.  Are you discriminatory toward people
who practice Yoga?"

4.  "Darn!  Why did you interrupt me?  I had almost figured
out a solution to our biggest problem.

3.  "The coffee machine is broken..."

2.  "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT
YOUR DESK...

1.  ".... in Jesus' name.  Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler via Barry) - The 3 Kick Rule
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A big-city lawyer from Washington DC went duck hunting in
the South Carolina low country.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's
field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this
field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are
not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
attorneys in the country, and if you don't let me get that
duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know
how we do things in South Carolina.  Down here we settle
small disagreements like this with the 'Three-Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What in hell is the Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied.  "Well, first I kick you three times,
and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth,
until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed
to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
walked up to the city feller.  His first kick planted the
toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and
dropped him to his knees.  His second kick nearly wiped the
lawyer's nose off his face.

The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third
kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to
his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's MY turn."

--- (I love this part!)---

  The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.  You can
have the duck."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide) - Beer Troubleshooting
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward
  ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
  training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:   Glass empty.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:  Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
ACTION:  See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
  face.
ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:   You are being carried out.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:   Bar has closed.
ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
  textures.
FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:  Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:   You are dancing on the table.
ACTION:  Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT:   It's water.  Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:  Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:   You have been in a fight.
ACTION:  Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
  them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
  you're in.
FAULT:   You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:  See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:   The beer is too weak.
ACTION:  Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:   Beer is just right.
ACTION:  Play air guitar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Kim via Fred Silver) - 19 Things That It Took Me 50
  Years To Learn By Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its
full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of
its  glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He
WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a
bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take
it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always
one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to
take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and
dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you
can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday.  That time is
age 11.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that
we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests
is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is
not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Only a Jewish Mother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm
in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same
ambition... ...her marriage to a wealthy man.

One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As
soon as she entered  the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm
pregnant! Don't get excited. The father  is my boss."

She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to
console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the
office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What's its going to
be?"

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his
mid thirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs.
Horowitz. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter
Sherry will have the best  doctor money can buy before the
baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital.  And
afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her and the
baby where she  will receive a check for twenty five hundred
dollars a week for life."

The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. "Tell
me," she said, "God forbid, Sherry should have a
miscarriage, will you give her another chance?
(Note from DrB - My mother would react EXACTLYthe same way!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Becky Goldstein) - A Christmas Tale
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was
getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems
everywhere.  Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones,
so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming
to visit.  This stressed Santa even more.  When he went to
harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where.

More stress!!!

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards
cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the
toys.  So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup
of coffee and a shot of whiskey.  When he went to the
cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor
and there was nothing to drink.  In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He
went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the
straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to
open it. He opened the door and there was a little angel
with a great big Christmas tree.  The angel said, very
cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa, isn't it just a lovely
day?  I have a beautiful tree for you.  Isn't it just a
lovely tree?  Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree...

( --- we'll miss ya, Beck! --- )


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
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    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
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       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2001.  All Rights Reserved.

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                          01-19-2001
Hi Everyone!

      The battle of the sexes rages on this week.  Hope
      you get the usual chuckles!

      Have a super dooper colossal weekend!!  Do
      something fun!

           :)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    Oldie
·    Cows
·    Presidential Lunch
·    Sleeping in Church
·    Fun Quotes
·    Brain Transplant
·    Games for When We Get Older
·    The Dating Game
·    Pregnant News
·    Tired of Friend Poems

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Bill Fairchild) - Oldie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's an old couple, both in their 80's.  They're sitting
in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time
we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind
the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made  love to
you from behind." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again
and we can do it for old times sake?" "Ooh Henry, you devil,
that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

A man sitting at the next table listening to all this,
having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see
this, two old timers having sex against a fence.' So he
follows them.  They walk haltingly along, leaning on each
other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get
to the back of the barn and make their way to the  fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and
the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she
hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex the man has ever seen. They
are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.  This goes
on for about forty minutes.  She's yelling "Ohhh God!"  He's
hanging on to her hips for dear life.  This is the most
athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting
on the ground.

The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think
about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still
have sex like this. After half an hour of lying on the
ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and
put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks,
"That was truly amazing, he was going like a train.  I've
got to ask him what his secret is." As the couple pass, the
guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have
been shagging for about forty minutes.  How do you manage
it? Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret",
the old man says, "except fifty years ago that damned  fence
wasn't electric."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Cows
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a
cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for
1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the
time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and
produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to
worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their
beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the
cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who
was very wise,  what to do. They told the rabbi what was
happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he
approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he
approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach
from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did
you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned
where they had gotten the cow.  "You are truly a wise
rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from
Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler via Barry) - Presidential Lunch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bush and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White
House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans
over to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a
quickie?"  She's horrified! She says,"Mr. President, I
thought your administration would bring a new era of moral
rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm
sorry I voted for you,"  and she marches off.

Cheney leans over and says "George, I think it's pronounced
QUICHE.'"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler via Barry) - Sleeping in Church
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, Mr. Jones spoke to the minister of his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing.
What should I do?"

"I have an idea," the minister said. "Take this hat pin with
you. I'll be able to tell when your wife is asleep and I'll
motion to you to give her a good poke in the leg."

The following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off during the
sermon. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan into
action. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he
said, and nodded to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in
the leg with the pin.

"That's right, Mrs. Jones!" said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again the minister
noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he cried out to the
congregation, again motioning to Mr.Jones.

"God!" Mrs. Jones yelled as she was again stuck with the
pin.

"Right again!" said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time
the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his
sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as
signals to bayonet his wife with the hat pin again.

At that point, the minister cried, "And what did Eve say to
Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mr. Jones poked his wife who yelled, "You stick that damn
thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and
shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from DUOPUBS) - Fun Quotes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Women might be able to fake orgasms.  But men can fake
whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane:  Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to
meet people who do." -- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary
of State)

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what
she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he
lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it
is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19.  He got stung by a bee
-- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Dan Rather
(News  anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
said, "Thyroid problem?'" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that,
you're in." -- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"Hockey is a sport for white men.  Basketball is a sport for
black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black
pimps." --Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill
live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per
cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." --
Jerry Garcia  (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be
devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches
my foot." -- Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." --Carmen Boyle
(Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But
imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."  --
Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-
bitch." --Jack Nicholson

(On going to war over religion) -- "You're basically killing
each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." --
Yasir Arafat  (PLO leader)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Oscar Bennett) - Brain Transplant
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
where  their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the
doctor came in  looking tired and  somber. I'm afraid I'm
the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the  worried
faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time
is a brain transplant. It's an experimental  procedure, semi-
risky and you will have to  pay for the brain  yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much
does a brain cost?" The   doctor quickly responded, "$5,000
for a male brain, and $200 for a  female  brain."    The
moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding  eye contact with the women, but some actually
smirked. A man,  unable to control his curiosity, blurted
out the question everyone  wanted to ask, "Why is the male
brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish
innocence and so to the entire group  said, "It's just
standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the  price
of the female brains, because they've been used."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Games for When We Get Older
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Peter De Lucia) - The Dating Game
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dave walks into the bar and sees his mate Jeff huddled on
the bar, terribly depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff
what's wrong.

"Well," replies Jeff, "You know that beautiful girl at work
that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I
saw her?" "Yes," replies Dave with a smile.

"Well," says Jeff, straightening up, "I finally plucked up
the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!"
says Dave, "when are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I
was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some
sellotape and taped my todger to my leg, so if I did, it
wouldn't show." "Sensible." says Dave. "So I get to her
door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell. And she answered
it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what
happened then?"

Jeff slumps over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Butch Rambish) - Pregnant News
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young lady had just visited her doctor, and he informed
her that she was pregnant.  The young lady had been married
for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat
on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share
her good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to
her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

"Sir," she said, I just received the best news you could
ever imagine. I have to share it with someone, or I'll bust."
She told him the news that the doctor had told her about
being pregnant.  The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared
his experience. He said he was a farmer, and he had trouble
with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the
hen house one morning and all his hens had laid eggs.  "But,
confidentially, I changed cocks."  The newly pregnant woman
responded "Confidentially,......me too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Lon Peper) - Changes to Golf Rules
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in
South Florida which will replace the traditional call of
"FORE". Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be
allowed to yell "GORE" while the ball is still in flight.
He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it
again.

The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is
going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This
will cause the time of play to be extended until such time
the player can claim the hole.

This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but
proponents say it is only fair.

A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an
exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first
hole only took 7 days to complete!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(another from Barbara) - Tired of Friend Poems?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those of you tired of the usual "Friend" poems, here is
a touch of reality....

When you are sad.................I will get you drunk and
help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who
made you sad.

When you are blue................I'll try to dislodge
whatever's choking you.

When you smile.....................I'll know you finally got
some.

When you are confused..........I will use little words to
explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick..................Stay away from me until
you are well again, I don't want whatever it is you have.

When you fall.........................I will point and laugh
at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath.......................I pledge to you till
the end.

Why, you may ask?..................Because you are truly my
friend!


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2001.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at

         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          01-12-2001

Hi Everyone!

      Have a great weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      ·    Einstein, Picasso, and George W
      ·    Your Baby Picture
      ·    Where Did I Come From?
      ·    English
      ·    Bubba
      ·    Blondes' Diet
      ·    The Truth(?)
      ·    2 Blonde Jokes
      ·    Coming Home
      ·    The Senility Prayer
      ·    New Year Quiz

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Ron Richman) - Einstein, Picasso, and George W
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
George W.  Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all
died. Due to glitches in the celestial Time-Space continuum,
all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less
simultaneously (even though their deaths take place decades
apart).

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein.
Saint Peter questions the Good Doctor "You look like
Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people
will go to, to sneak in Heaven under false pretenses.  Can
you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and requests "Could I
have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with
a snap of his fingers; the blackboard and chalk instantly
appear.  Einstein proceeds to describe - with arcane
mathematics and symbols - his Special Theory of Relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed.  "You really *are*
Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso.  Once again Saint Peter asks
for his credentials.  Picasso doesn't hesitate "Mind if I
use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch
out a truly stunning mural.  Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he
captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps.  "Surely you are the great artist you
claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W.  Bush.  Saint Peter
scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to
prove their identity.  How can you prove yours?"

George W looks bewildered "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs "Come on in, George".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dave Thorn) - Your Baby Picture
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is the coolest thing. They had my hospital baby picture
from when I was born. They probably have yours too!

  Check it out right now by clicking:
http://SendThisNow.com/c.e?11A95A

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Where Did I Come From?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.  It
was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared.
They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia
and several other books, and explained all they thought she
should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and
reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled
contentedly.  "Does that answer your question?" her father
asked.  "Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she
came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Lon Peper) - English
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
     Yes = No
     No = Yes
     Maybe = No
     I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
     We need = I want
     It's your decision = The correct decision should be
obvious
     Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
     We need to talk = I need to complain
     Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
     I'm not upset = Of course I am upset you moron!
     You're so manly = You need a shave and a shower
     Be romantic, turn off the lights = I'm flabby and I do
not want you to see
     The kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
     I want new curtains = I want new EVERYTHING
     How much do you love me = I did something really bad
today
     Do you love me = I want something expensive
     You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

  MEN'S ENGLISH
     I'm hungry = I'm hungry
     I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
     Do you want to go to a movie = eventually I want to have
sex
     Can I take you out to dinner = eventually I want to have
sex
     Can I call you = eventually I want to have sex
     May I dance with you = eventually I want to have sex
     Nice dress = nice cleavage
     You look tense, want a massage? = I want to fondle you
     What's wrong = What stupid self inflicted drama is it
now
     I'm bored = do you want to have sex?
     I love you = let's have sex right now
     I love you too = Okay I said it.  Let's have sex
     Let's talk  = I'll impress you with being deep, then can
we have sex?
     Will you marry me? = I want me to be the only one you
can have sex with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Ken Halpern) - Bubba
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know
everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I
know them. "Tired of his boasting, his boss called his
bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and
I are old friends, and I can prove it. "So Bubba and his
boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see
you! You and your friend come right in and join me for
lunch! "Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he
thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just
name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba
says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off
they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour
and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a
surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and
your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first
and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but
still not totally convinced. After they leave the White
house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again
implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks
are from Poland, and I've known the Pope along time." So off
they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never
work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.
Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope
on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that
his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by
paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks
him, What happened?" His boss looks up and says, I was doing
fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the
man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Peter De Lucia) - Blondes' Diet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a
diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time
I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the
blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's
amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?"
asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jenny Girl) - The Truth(?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When god created adam he said "Adam, i have good news and i
have bad news." Adam asked, "well whats the good news?"  God
replied, "well, ive created you  with a brain and a
penis......the bad news is ive only given you enough  blood
to operate one at a time."  ~jennifer kawczak

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Butch Rambish) - 2 Blonde Jokes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200
miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if
the coast is clear."

***********************************

Two blondes are walking down the street.  One notices a
compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.  She
opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person
looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one
looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from H Pat Artis) - Coming Home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Single women come home, look at what's in the fridge, and
then go to bed.

Married women come home, look at what's in bed and then go
to the fridge!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Michael Salsburg) - The Senility Prayer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God grant me the senility to  forget the people I never
liked  anyway, the good fortune to  run into the ones that I
do, and the  eyesight to tell the  difference.  Now that I'm
'older (but refuse to grow up),  here's what I've
discovered:

ONE- I  started out with nothing, and I still have most of
it.

TWO-  My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE- I  finally got my head together; now my body is
falling apart.

FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

FIVE-  All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

SIX- If  all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN- It is easier to get  older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT- Some days you're the  dog; some days you're the
hydrant.

NINE- I wish the buck  stopped here; I sure could use a
few...

TEN- Kids in the back  seat cause accidents.

ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat  cause...kids.

TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you  haven't been
anywhere.

THIRTEEN- Only time the world beats a  path to your door is
when you're  in the bathroom.

FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have
put them on my knees.

FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards,  why does
everyone decide to play chess?

SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're
everywhere.

SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and  a grave is
the depth.

EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of  time thinking about
the  hereafter... I go somewhere to get  something and then
wonder what I'm here  after.

NINETEEN- UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO  YOU
OR NOT AND  DOUBT IF YOU CAN EITHER.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - New Year Quiz
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Surf over to http://all4freegraphics.com/quiz/ny2quiz.html
and see how you do !

                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2001.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          01-05-2001

Hi Everyone!

      Blonde jokes have returned - yay!  Hope you have a
      great weekend!   And of course, best wishes for a
      Healthy & Happy New Year!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    The Blonde by the Roadside
·    The Blonde in the Blizzard
·    The Curse
·    More Jokes
·    Bloopers
·    After
·    Hmm
·    Puns
·    Irate Ground Controller
·    Blonde in Casino
.    Chet The Parrot

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - The Blonde by the Roadside
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she
eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully
steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men
in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where
they stand facing oncoming  traffic and begin opening their
coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching
drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of
this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the
disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!"
asks the cop...

And she said....

  (This is good...)

  (Ready?)

  (Remember, she's a blonde...)

  "Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - The Blonde in the Blizzard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that
visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off
work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was
going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up
and thought about her situation.

The blonde finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she
got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to
come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a
snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough
in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to
follow it.

As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as
they continued and she was not having any problem with the
blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, the
blonde was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and
the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for
her to roll down her window.

The driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had
been following him for quite a long time.

The blonde said that she was fine and told him of her
daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a
blizzard.

The driver replied, "Well that's just fine honey, and you
can keep it up if you want. I'm done here with the K-Mart
parking lot and I gotta go cross the way to Sam's next..." -
-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Clark Kidd) - The Curse
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you
man  and wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(2 more from Clark Kidd) - More Jokes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any
interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The
good  news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your
paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad
news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

*********************

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large
company and hands the executive his application. The
executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the
applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is
terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive
in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least
I'm not a quitter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from CookieSJE) - Bloopers Taken From Real Church Bulletins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
**The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of  the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles  for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

**Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday  at 7
p.m. Please use the back door.

** The pastor will preach his farewell message, after  which
the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

**Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our  church
and community.

**The eighth graders will be presenting  Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the church basement Friday at  7 p.m. The
congregation is invited to attend this  tragedy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - After
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After spending a night at a hotel with a hooker, the
politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the
dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician
replied.

"You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little
blackmail on the side!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Hmm, What Would You Do …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a moral question for you.  Suppose you are in the
Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes
have been lost, water supplies compromised and
infrastructures destroyed. Let's say that you're a
photographer out getting still photos for a news service,
traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

You come across George W. Bush who has been swept away by
the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and
is about to go under. You can either put down your camera
and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of
him as he loses his grip on the limb and is swept along with
the raging flood waters to a horrible death.  So, here's
your moral dilemma; think carefully before you answer the
question below:


Which lens would you use?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel) - Puns
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The
husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed It was all over in
four minutes." The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I
feel."

Do evangelists do more than lay people?

Archeologist finding a discarded tampon, "What period do you
think this came from?"

Hear about the movie featuring a woman who uses a wooden
vibrator? It is called, "Love is a many splintered thing."

What's the difference between a football game and the Oscar
for best actress? In a football game they kick a punt.

Silicon: Good for memory, bad for mammary.

Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up than man run
with pants down.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

Did you hear about the gay milkman. He never left an empty
behind.

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

What's the difference between a racing vehicle and a porn-
film actor? A racing vehicle is a stock car

It is good to learn how to masturbate; it may come in handy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Randy Martin) - Irate Ground Controller
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft.
Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727.  The irate ground controller (a female)
screamed,  "US Air 2771, where are you going?  I told you to
turn right on  "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on
"Delta.  Stop right there!  I know it's difficult to tell
the difference between C's & D's, but  get it right!"

  Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up;
it'll  take forever to sort this out.  You stay right there
and don't  move until I tell you to!  Then, I want you to go
exactly where I  tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you. You got that, US  Air 2771?"

  The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am."  The ground
control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to
engage  the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in  every cockpit at LGA was running high.

  Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Pat Artis) - Blonde in Casino
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.  A
very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-
thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude."

With that she strips naked from her neck down and rolls the
dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she
hollers..."YES! YES! I WON!  I WON!" Then she begins jumping
up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly
leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"  The
other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Proof:  Not ALL blondes are dumb.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Chet The Parrot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop
looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could
sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect
gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked,
excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was
the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a match under
the parrots left foot and Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells!
Jingle Bells! ..."

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's
right foot.  Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was
filled with: "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper
and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How
beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young
man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under
Chet's left foot, as the shopkeeper had shown him, and Chet
crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..." The man then moved
the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent
Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What
if we hold the lighter between his legs?"  The man did not
know. "Let's try it."

He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the
lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared
his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was
the performance of his life):

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2001.  All Rights Reserved.

/***********************************************************/
/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */
/***********************************************************/
                          12-29-2000
Hi Everyone!

      Happy Holidays!  Wishing you all the best in the
      new year !!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    Ducksmithing
·    The Nun
·    Etiquette
·    Testimony
·    Harvest
·    Proof Positive
·    Rounds
·    A Christmas Tale
·    One Day on the Bus
·    Christmas Eve
·    The Call
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Meeker) - Ducksmithing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roy took his old duck to the vet, concerned because the duck
wouldn't eat. The vet explained to Roy that as ducks age
their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make
it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even
with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because
the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you
file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water
it'll drown."

Roy goes about his business and about a week later the vet
runs into him at the feed store. "Well, how is that duck of
yours?" the vet inquires.

"He's dead." Declared Roy.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far!  He
took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the
vet.

"No," said Roy. "I think he was dead before I took him out
of the vise."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - The Nun
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this nun that was sitting in the airport waiting
to catch a flight to Chicago. As she sat looking around, she
noticed one of those weight machines...you know the kind you
stick your quarter in and it tells you your weight and
fortune.....

Well...as the Nun sat there, she decided to check this
machine out. So she goes over, stands on the scales, sticks
her quarter in and a little card pops out and it says..."you
are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs and you are going to chicago."

Well, the nun is so impressed...she says...naw..can't really
be true..so she HAS to try it again. She walks over, stands
on the scales, puts her quarter in and out pops a card. It
says....You are a nun, you weight 128 lbs, you are going to
Chicago and you will play the fiddle. The nun thought NO
WAY...I've never played a musical instrument in my life. Lo
and behold this gentleman comes in carrying a fiddle and
sits down next to her. He places the fiddle (in the case) on
the floor. All of a sudden the nun reaches over and takes
out the fiddle and plays the most beautiful music you've
ever heard. The nun thinks...man...this is awesome...too
good to be true...I've got to try this again.

So she goes over, steps on the scales, inserts her quarter
and a little card pops out and it says....you are a nun, you
weigh 128 lbs., you are going to Chicago and you are going
to break wind. The nun says to herself...NO WAY...I've never
broke wind in my life. As she turns to walk back to her
seat, she trips over the fiddle case...goes sprawling on the
floor and breaks wind. She's rather embarrassed but thought
this is unbelievable...I've GOT to try this again.

So she goes over, steps on the scale, inserts her quarter
and a small card appears. It says...You are a nun, you weigh
128 lbs and now that you have fiddled and farted
around...you have just missed your flight to Chicago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Alan of the Rosenbergs) - Etiquette
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit
Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the
Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador
was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best
hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said,
"As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to
play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six
chambers of this gun is loaded. You spin the cylinder, point
the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of
a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun the cylinders, and then
pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a
sigh of relief. The African ambassador was very impressed
with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject
before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country
the next year.

A year later, the African ambassador treated the Russian
with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African
ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our
game, African roulette." So saying, he led the Russian into
the room where the only occupants were six beautiful, naked
women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most
beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will
give you a blowjob. Take your pick."

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he
couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said,
"Well, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the
danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador
answered, "One of them's a cannibal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steve Samson) - Testimony
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After
being sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what
happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading
up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the
case.     "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?"
said the lawyer.    "Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old
man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room
table."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Eddie Rabinovich) - Harvest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Statistically 100% of all divorces  started with marriage!

  The last fight was my fault. My wife  asked, "What's on the
TV?"  I said, "Dust!"

  In the beginning, God created earth  and rested.  Then God
created man and rested. Then God  created woman.  Since
then, neither God nor man has not  rested.

  The most effective way to remember  your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.

  First guy (proudly): "My wife's an  angel!"  Second guy:
"You're lucky; mine's still  alive."

  How do most men define  marriage?  An expensive way to get
laundry done for  free.

  Then there was a man who said, "I  never knew what real
happiness was until I got married;  and then it was too
late."

  A little boy asked his father, "Daddy,  how much does it
cost to get married?"  And the father replied, "I don't know
son.  I'm still  paying."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from William Teed) - Proof Positive
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN 1. His first name
was Jesus. 2. He was bilingual. 3. He was always being
harassed by the authorities.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK   1. He called everbody
"brother.   2. He liked gospel.   3. He couldn't get a fair
trial.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH   1. He went into his
father's business.   2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure that his mother was a virgin, and his Mother
was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN   1. He talked with his
hands.   2. He had wine with every meal.   3. He worked in
the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN   1. He never cut
his hair.   2. He walked around barefoot.   3. He started a
new religion.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH   1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.   3. He loved green
pastures.

(and now the MOST compelling EVIDENCE ) :

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN   1. He fed a crowd, at
a moments notice, when there was no food.   2. He kept
trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.   3. Even when he was dead, he had to get up
because there was more work for him to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel) - Rounds
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a
group of medical students.    "As you can see," she says,
"the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are
radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like
this?"    "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp
too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Becky Goldstein) - A Christmas Tale
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was
getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems
everywhere.  Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones,
so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming
to visit.  This stressed Santa even more.  When he went to
harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where.

More stress!!!

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards
cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the
toys.  So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup
of coffee and a shot of whiskey.  When he went to the
cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor
and there was nothing to drink.  In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He
went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the
straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to
open it. He opened the door and there was a little angel
with a great big Christmas tree.  The angel said, very
cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa, isn't it just a lovely
day?  I have a beautiful tree for you.  Isn't it just a
lovely tree?  Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - One Day on the Bus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised.
While the   passengers were unloading, to do some
sightseeing, one elderly lady   stopped and whispered in his
ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually   harassed!" The
driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he
would check into it soon.

   Later, that very same day, as the passengers were
unloading again, a   second little old lady bent down and
whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe   I was sexually
harassed!"

   This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few
passengers had   remained on the bus, and he decided to go
back and question them, to see   if they had any knowledge
of what was going on.

   He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor
underneath the   seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me, sir, could I help   you?"

   The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure
can. I've lost   my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I
thought I'd located it twice, but   they were parted in the
middle, and mine's parted on the side!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Criswell) - Christmas Eve
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find
themselves at the pearly gates  waiting to enter Heaven. On
entering they must  present something "Christmassy."

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe,
so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

  The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks,

"How do these represent Christmas?" "Easy," he grins,
"They're Carol's."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide) - The Call
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are several men in the locker room of a private club
after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of
the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following
conversation ensues:
* Hello?
* Honey, It's me.
* Sugar!
* Are you at the club?
* Yes,
* Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw
a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I
buy it?
* What's the price?
* Only $1,500.00
* Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much...
* Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the
salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we
need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...
* What price did he quote you?
* Only $96,000...
* OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
* Great! Before we hang up, something else...
* What? * It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling
your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent
this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year
... It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English
Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...
* How much are they asking?
* Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we
have that much in the bank to cover...
* Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?
* OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!
* Bye... I do too...
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his
hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
* Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?

                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at

         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          12-22-2000

Hi Everyone!

      Happy Holidays!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    Could It Be?
·    If The Beatles Were Programmers
·    20 Ways to Confuse Santa
·    Christmas in Nebraska
·    Safe in Bed
·    A Perfect Story
·    Santa Quit
·    Top 10 Complaints of Mrs Claus
·    Ode to Political Unity
·    Three Coaches Go To Heaven
·    The Top Ten Reasons Why Everyone Should Celebrate
        Chanukkah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jim Lewis) - Could It Be?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:

    "Come the millennium, month 12,
    In the home of greatest power,
    The village idiot will come forth
    To be acclaimed the leader."

hmmmm....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Peter De Lucia) - If The Beatles Were Programmers
(an oldie but a goodie!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eleanor Rigby
-------------
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
=================================================

Unix Man
--------
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - 20 Ways to Confuse Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.  Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a
note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few
pounds.

2.  While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write
him a speeding ticket.

3.  Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for
the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4.  While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with
exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries
to get them to fly.

5.  Keep an angry bull in your living room.  If you think a
bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until
he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6.  Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof,
holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away
Santa."

7.  Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs.
Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk
and a loaf of bread on his way  home.

8.  Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the
chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9.  While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it.
As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he
shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10.  Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk
out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy.  :)" Leave
another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops
of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For
Santa.  :("

11.  Take everything out of your house as if it's just been
robbed.  When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a
policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the
scene of the crime."

12.  Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-
minute changes and corrections.

13.  While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney
with barbed wire.

14.  Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where
Santa's sure to see them.  Go outside, yell, "Ooh!  Look!  A
deer!  And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15.  Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved.
Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to
your new house.

16.  Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney.  Wait for
Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're
sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17.  Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18.  Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes.
While he's in the house, go out on the roof.  When he comes
back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19.  Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter
eggs.

20.  Dress up like the Easter Bunny.  Wait for Santa to come
and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the
both of us."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - Christmas in Nebraska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When it's Christmas time in Nebraska,
And the gentle breezes blow,
About seventy miles an hour
And it's fifty-two below.

You can tell you're in Nebraska
'cause the snow's up to your butt,
And you take a breath of Christmas air
And your nose holes both freeze shut.

The weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I'll hang around,
I could NEVER leave Nebraska.
My feet are frozen to the ground!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Clark Kidd) - Safe in Bed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old
man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young
nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do
you sleep OK?" "No problem at all nine hours solid every
night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate
and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a
light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so
rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you
people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-
old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we
give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - A Perfect Story
(another oldie but goodie)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their
life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy
Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect
car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being
the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not
wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their
vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of
them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is:
Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...





  The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa
Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women
stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...





  So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the
perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why
there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and
you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women
never listen, either. --

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) -  Santa Quit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
T'was the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--NO request for them,
They want computers and robots..they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job..there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Top 10 Complaints of Mrs Claus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. One night a year to sneak out with the girlfriends, and
all the bars are closed.

9. Managing toy production, keeping elves in line, cleaning
up after reindeer... meanwhile, fatboy sits around 364 days
out of the year and gets all the glory.  But all that will
change now that I'm the Senator from New York!

8. Elf farts.

7. 365 days a year of freezing weather = 365 days of elf
wisecracks about your "headlights" being on.

6. That "The bag's all empty -- but Santa has a little
something for you in his pants!" line got old about 250
years ago.

5. He sees you when you're sleeping.

4. Mounting legal bills in "Gore v. Kringle" breach of
promise lawsuit.

3. For 364 days a year, everyone thinks you're just another
Harley Mama.

2. Ever tried getting squished-elf stains and reindeer poop
out of red velvet pants?

and the  Number 1 Complaint of Mrs. Santa Claus...

1. That "bowl full of jelly" isn't so amusing when it's on
top of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide) - Ode to Political Unity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The election is over
The results are now known.
The will of the people
May never be shown.

But let's bury our differences,
And show by our deeds
That we'll give our government
The backing it needs.

We'll all pull together,
Let bitterness pass --
I'll hug your elephant
If you'll kiss my ass.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Barra) - Three Coaches Go To Heaven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed
and all  three died. They all noticed God up in the clouds
sitting in a chair.  God motioned for one of them to come
into the clouds. God wanted to  know three things: "Who are
you? What did you do? What did people  think of you?"

The first coach said, "I'm Denny Crum. I was the second-best
coach in  the nation. I won two national championships and
over 20 games a  year. The people of Kentucky think I'm
great."

God said, "Fine, Denny, stand on my right side."

The next person said, "I'm Rick Pitino. I was the third-best
coach in  the nation. I won an SEC Championship and turned
the program around  to a fairly respectable one. The people
of Kentucky think I'm great."

God said, "Fine, Rick, stand on my left side."

The third person stood before God and said, "I'm Bobby
Knight and  I've won three national championships, 2 NIT
championships, the Pan  Am Games, the Olympics, 9 Big Ten
championships, I was the youngest  coach ever to win 600
games, and the people of Indiana think you are  sitting in
my chair."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - The Top Ten Reasons Why Everyone
Should Celebrate Chanukkah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. No big, fat guy getting stuck in your chimney.

9. Cleaning wax off your menorah is slightly easier  than
dismantling an 8  foot tall pine tree.

8. Compare: chocolate gelt vs fruitcake

7. You get to learn cool new words, like "Kislev"  and
"farshtoonkeneh"

6. No brutal let-down when you discover Santa Claus  isn't
real.

5. You neighbors are unlikely to complain about how  your
menorah is  blinding them senseless.

4. It's like a big reunion when everyone gathers at  the
Chinese restaurant  on Christmas Eve.

3. In a holiday character face -off, Judah Macabee  could
kick Frosty's butt.

2. No need to clean up big piles of reindeer poop  off your
roof.

     and the NUMBER ONE reason why everyone should  celebrate
Hanukkah is...

1.None of that Naughty-Nice crap... everyone gets  loot!

                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at

         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          12-15-2000
Hi Everyone!

      Away in Florida … hope you like these!!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    The Naked Marathon
·    10 Teengers Rules for Parents
·    Topical Cheer
·    Baby Quiz
·    Inspiration
·    Best One Yet
·    Husbands and Wives
·    Before It Starts
·    Sports Families
·    The Pickle Slicer
·    Mother-in-Law

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Randy Martin) - The Naked Marathon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was having an affair during the day while her
husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her
boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the
driveway.

She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and
jump out the window; my husband's home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump
out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us
both!"

So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street, he discovered he had
run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started
running along beside the others. Being naked, with his
clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best
he could.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the
nude?"

He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so
free having the air blow over your skin while you are
running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run
carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can
get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to
go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you
run?"

His reply: "Only if it's raining!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - 10 Teengers Rules for Parents
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rule One:  When you are dropping me off at the mall, please
keep your  face averted so that none of my friends will see
you.  I will leave  the car without a word, sullenly
slamming the door as if I'm furious  at you for doing me
such a favor.  Do not roll down the window and  say anything
pleasant to me as I stomp off, as this will spoil the  mood.

Rule Two:  I don't care who owns the house, my bedroom is my
property  and you are barred from entering without
invitation.  If I'm gone and  all the lights are on and the
stereo is blaring, you'll just have to  live with it. And if
it upsets you so much to look under my bed,  don't.

Rule Three:  It is ridiculous for you to answer the
telephone when  you know it is going to be for me.  And no,
you may not, EVER, ask  who is calling.It embarrasses me for
my friends to hear your voice.   And if you don't like the
way I take messages, stop having people  call you at home.

Rule Four:  By now you know you need to leave enough time to
stop for  gas when you take the car somewhere.  I'm 'way too
busy to fill the  tank myself, and anyway I had to spend the
gas money you gave me to  buy lunch. If it's such a big deal
to you, maybe you should get me my  own car.

Rule Five: Okay, I KNOW you also gave me lunch money.  I
spent it at  the movies.  Stop poking your nose into my
personal finances.

Rule Six:  I am not cold and do not need to "cover up."  How
would  you know what is "appropriate dress?"  You don't even
know where I'm  going!

Rule Seven:  Since the only reason you give me a curfew is
so YOU can  go to sleep, curfew is hereby rescinded.  And
you may never again ask  me "Do you know what time it is?"
when I come home.  If I wanted to  know what time it was I
would wear a watch.  If you think it is so  late, maybe you
should be asleep instead of pacing around in the  living
room.

Rule Eight:  Would you STOP telling me "what boys want?"
How would  you know, anyway?  Things were completely
different when you were a  teenager. Quit spying out the
window when we pull in the driveway.   And stop asking my
boyfriend if he's sure his tattoo is okay with  his "parole
officer;" it wasn't funny the first time.

Rule Nine:  Weekends and vacations are my time OFF.  It
really ruins  my mood when you give me these lists of
chores.

Rule Ten:  Can you drive me to the mall?  And I need some
money.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide) - Topical Cheer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the land
Not a lawyer was resting, as was normally planned
All Cabinet applicants had been screened with care
In hopes that a President soon would be there

The candidates were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of roast pork danced in their heads
And Mary in her kerchief, and I in my cap
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap

When on the TV there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter
Away to the family room I flew like a flash
I picked up the remote and turned up the trash

The pundits all speaking on the television show
Were from DC and New York and Florida, you know
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the chief justice and his eight colleagues on a
tear.

With a little old lawsuit, that was the gist,
I knew in a moment it must be Rehnquist
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name

Now Ginsberg, now Souter, Scalia and O'Conner
On Kennedy, on Stevenson, on Thomas and Breyer
To the law library now, to the books on the wall
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all

And they gathered their books, and their pens, and
their pads
They talked about recounts, and dimples, and chads
'Cause a 4-3 ruling from the Florida Supremes
Had doused their enjoyment of the holiday's themes

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the tube
Some congressman say, "Just look at this boob!"
As I shifted my glasses, and was turning around
The screen switched to Rehnquist, who came with a
bound

He was dressed in all black, from his head to his foot
And held lower court rulings all covered with soot
A legal decision was slung over his back
His intentions, no doubt, to get things back on track

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
And the hair on his head was a white as the snow

The stump of a pen he held tight in his hand
'Twas the one he had used to reverse the remand
He had a long face and a mind full of clutter
That shook, when he thought, like a leaf in the
gutter.

He was lanky and serious, not a jolly old judge
But despite the dissenters, he just would not budge
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Gave all Al Gore supporters something to dread

He paused for effect, then went straight to his work
And he read his decision, then turned with a jerk
And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, from his chair he arose

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle
But I heard him exclaim, as the tv cameras rushed
"Merry Christmas to all, but especially George Bush"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Baby Quiz
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is
enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A:
With any luck,
right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the
flu? A: If it's
the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who
get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's
sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile
at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her
plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act
normal again? A: When the kids are in college.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Inspiration
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These three Jewish men arrive in NYC from Europe, and decide
to meet again in 20 years to see how they all made out in
America.

20 years pass...

The first man asks the second: Nu? How'd you do? He replies:
Well, you know...when I came to this country I had no idea
vat to do with myself to make a living. So I looked at my
last name. Goldstein. So I vent into the gold business. And
oy, did I make a FORTUNE!

He turns to the next man and asks: Nu, how 'bout you? He
says "Well, like you I had no idea vat I was going to do in
this vast country to make a living, so I too, looked to my
last name. Silverberg. So I vent into the silver business.
And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!

So they both turn to the last man and say: and you? Vat
happened to you?

So the third man said, Well, I too had no idea how I vas to
make a livink here in America, so I looked at my last name.
Tailor. I said, das no good. I never make money as a tailor.
So I went to shul and prayed. I said "G-d, if you make me a
wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner."

So the first man said "So, vat happened?"

The man replied:  "Vas the matter? You never heard of Lord
and Taylor?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Minda Larson) - Best One Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
December 30, 2004 / Washington, D.C. (Associated Press)

After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was
finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential
election yesterday.

Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon
today and serves until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three
weeks. Then he gives way to the winner of the 2004
presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham
Greenspan (formerly Clinton).

Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to
strike an optimistic tone last night. "We have a lot to
accomplish in the next three weeks," Bush said. "Reforming
Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four or
five hours. Let's get to work!"

Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies
in a frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts.  Bush's victory
ends a four-year court battle between him and Democratic
candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election.

While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim
president, New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre
admitted that running a country and a baseball team
simultaneously has been a strain. "At times, it's been
difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in
retrospect, trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out
OK."

Torre's four years in office were marked by continued
prosperity at home and relative calm abroad.  His most
controversial move was appointing Yankees bench coach Don
Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer
lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin
Scalia's shoes, angering conservatives.  Torre's boldest
foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state in
an effort to improve U.S. pitching.

Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight
tonight, with Bush moving in immediately. Eager to give an
aura of permanency to his three-week administration, Bush
rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the
floor and live out of suitcases.

Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat.  The former vice
president issued a statement today saying, "It would be
improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act
hastily before all the facts are known."

The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore
lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida.
When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing
that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots
were yellow and others pink. Gore countersued, charging that
the West Virginia results should be thrown out because some
people failed to receive "I Voted Today" stickers.

Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to
resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including:

*** Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing
duties and splitting the White House.  Although never
implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV show, East Wing,
West Wing.

*** Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each
candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000 election.
Gore, who failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked at
the idea because it would mean showing a passport every time
he went home.

Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush
administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns
tomorrow and isn't expected back until after Bush's term
ends. "One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the
tax system," a Bush aide admitted. "But maybe we can get
started and then finish it later with a big conference call
or something."

Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to
transfer power to President-elect Greenspan. She yesterday
wished Bush well and asked if she could start moving some
boxes into the White House basement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Meeker) - Husbands and Wives
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the
table, reading the paper after breakfast.  He came across an
article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a
football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ
and common knowledge.  He turned to his wife with a question
on his face and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest
jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Before It Starts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down
on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife,
"Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before
it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down
next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick,
get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious.  She yells at him "Is that all you're
going to do tonight?  Drink beer and sit in front of that
TV?  You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and
furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Barra) - Sports Families
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man,
were having drinks at the bar following a business meeting.

The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, "I have
four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I'll have
a football team."

To which the Mormon man replied, "You fellas ain't got a
clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf
course."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(an oldie from John Epler via Barry) - The Pickle Slicer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously
wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

  "I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh ... she got fired too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski) - Mother-in-Law
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what
happened last night."

His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I
opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front
porch."

She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door."


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
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  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          12-08-2000

Hi Everyone!

      On the road this week (Orlando) … thanks for the
      new blonde jokes … a "chunky" set of fUNNIES this
      week … and only 1 Gore-Bush joke (yay!)

      Have a great weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    The New Lexus Radio
·    Ice Fishing?
·    Four Nuns Have the Weekend Off
·    Computed Medical Advice
·    Ten Things Only a Woman Can Understand
·    Reindeer
·    The 12 Bugs of Christmas
·    Jumping On The Bed
·    National Transportation Safety Board
·    Another Blonde Moment
·    Moving On A Bus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Dick Szeide) - The New Lexus Radio
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Lady bought a new Lexus. It cost a bundle. Two days later,
she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not
working.

"Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this
car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell  it
what you want to listen to,and you will hear exactly that!"

She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She
looked at the radio and said "Nelson". The radio responded,
"Ricky or Willie?"

Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On
the Road Again." The lady was astounded. If she wanted
Beethoven,  that's what
she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

One day, at a traffic light, the light turned  green, and
she pulled out.  Off to her right, out of the corner of her
eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward
her. She swerved,  and narrowly missed a head-on collision.

  "ASSHOLE", she muttered. And, from the radio ... "Ladies
and gentlemen, the Next President of the  United States..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Ser Sim) - Ice Fishing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on
the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary
tools together, she made for the nearest frozen pond.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a
circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly --- from far above --- a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the
opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again
to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Four Nuns Have the Weekend Off
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local
Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back
and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to
let them leave the convent for the weekend.

"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning
I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend."
The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes
to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She
replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up
at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are
forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."

The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle
quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the
priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was
driving my brother's car down the street in front of his
house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."

The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second
nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite
audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive
me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with
it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up
and down Main Street."

The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before
responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water."
She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you
do that was so darn funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Michael Salsburg) - Computed Medical Advice
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike
replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at
the corner. Just give

it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's
wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and
costs ten dollars... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it
to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer
lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample
into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in
warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the
mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the
drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
    Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
    Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
    Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
    And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow
will never get better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Amy Hills) - Ten Things Only a Woman Can Understand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a
balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser
is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten
minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Hank Levine via Barry AND from Maureen Zack) -
Reindeer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while
both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer
each year (the only members  of the deer family, Cervidae,
to have females do so), male reindeer drop their antlers at
the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-
December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the  spring. Therefore, according to every
historical rendition depicting  Santa's reindeer, every
single one of them, from  Rudolf to Blitzen........had to be
a girl.

We should've known that when they were able to find their
way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Randy Martin) - The 12 Bugs of Christmas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 12 Bugs Of Christmas

A Software Developers' Version

1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.

2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to
me:
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Oscar Bennett) - Jumping On The Bed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have
any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with
you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't
care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the
breasts of an 18- year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old
ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Glen Williams) - National Transportation Safety Board
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged
they had  covertly funded a project with the US auto makers
for the past five years,  whereby the auto makers were
installing black boxes in  four-wheel drive  pickup trucks
in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

  They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the last
words of  drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,

  "Oh, Shit!"

  Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina,
Missouri, Georgia  and Alabama were different, where over
89.3 percent of the final words  were:

  "Hold my beer and watch this!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Another Blonde Moment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This blonde was driving down an old country road when she
spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls
over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in
disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the
woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more, she
called out to the blonde in the field: "Why are you rowing a
boat in the middle of the field?" The blonde in the field
stops rowing and responds, "Because it is a sea of wheat."
The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She
yells at the blonde in the field, "It is blondes like you
that give the rest of us a bad name." The blonde in the
field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and
shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, " If
I could swim, I would come out there and kick your ass.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Becky Goldstein) - Moving On A Bus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed
the  man  opposite her was smiling at her. She felt
uncomfortable and  immediately  moved to another seat. This
time his smile turned into a grin, so she  moved again. The
man seemed more amused. She moved a third time, to a  seat
farther away, and he was chuckling loudly. She moved again
to where  she  thought she would be out of his line of
sight. When on the fourth  move,  the  man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man
arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked  the man what he
had to say  for  himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor,
it  was like this: When  the  lady got on the bus, I
couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat  under a
sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I had
to  smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Slogan's  Liniment  will reduce the swelling" and I had to
grin. Then she placed herself  under  a sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could  hardly
control myself. BUT....when she moved the fourth time and
sat under a  sign  that said, "Goodyear  Rubber could have
prevented this accident," I  laughed out loud."    "CASE
DISMISSED" said the Judge


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at

         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
    mailto:fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          12-01-2000

Hi Everyone!

      Hope you all had a nice holiday weekend last
      weekend … if you're anything like me, starting
      this week was really tough.  Anyway, this set of
      fUNNIES should get you back in the right weekend
      mood!  Hope you like 'em !!  And thanks to
      everyone who sent me so many more fUNNIES than I
      knew what to do with (8 gazillion Gore/Bush
      jokes!)

      Have a GREAT weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    Jennifer & the Psychic
·    More Gore Humor
·    Phone Booth
·    Stutter
·    American Tie
·    Cow Mating
·    I, The Penis
·    The Quiz For Those Who Think They Know Everything
·    And So It Continues …
·    She Was So Blonde…
·    Little Johnny

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Jennifer & the Psychic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the
mystic delivered  grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -
prepare yourself to  be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her
hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze,
steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide) - More Gore Humor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AlGoreithm -- Any method of calculation performed repeatedly
until a desired result is produced.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Phone Booth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random.
"Salvation Army," was the answer.

"What do you do?" asked the man.

"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.

"Okay, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Peter De Lucia and from Doogie) - Stutter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet! "If any
one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering
I'll let you shag me!"

Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the
Englishman "Where do you live?" "M M M M Man Man Manch ..."
"No. You loose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the
Scotsman, "Okay - where do you live,Scotty?" she asks,
trying not to laugh.

"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb ..."

"Nope. You loose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy,where
do you live?"

"London" blurts out the Irishman.

"Oh, bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in
the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand
and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to
her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a
voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then
climbs into bed.

Paddy, with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and
goes for glory, and then - right at the climaxing stroke, he
suddenly screams out: " ....... D D D Derry!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Michele Latman via the Imberbabe) - American Tie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(sung to the tune of American Pie by Don Mclean)

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember how those Yankees used to make me
smile,
And I knew if they had their goat,
They'd try to teach us how to vote,
And maybe they'd be happy for a while.

But November saw me quiver,
With every network news delivered,
Chaos in the republic,
The blunders were in public.

I can't remember if I laughed,
When I read about his ambushed pride,
But something gored me deep inside,
The day the voting died.
CHORUS
So... Why, why this American tie,
Drove the voters to a frenzy but the ballots were sly

Both Bush and Gore are running risky and dry,
Singing "This'll be the day that I cry,
This'll be the day that I cry.''
--
Did you write the book of jokes,
And will you have faith in the winning bloke,
If the Houses tell you so?
Now do you believe in the voter rolls?
Can the system save your mortal soul?
And can you teach me how to count real slow?

Well I know you're in a sticky mess,
'Cause I saw you looking real harassed,
You both ran out of cues,
Man, I dig those rhythm 'n' blues,

They were rich and feisty mid-aged bucks,
Nearly two years later and still in the ruck,
But I knew they were out of luck,
The day the voting died.
We started singing...

(Chorus)

Now for some days we've been on our own,
Left with a case of the great unknown,
But that's not how it used to be,
When Clinton spoke in front of kings and queens,
In a coat he borrowed from Mr. Bean,
And a voice that came from Hillary,

Oh, and while the crowd was looking down,
Buchanan stole Florida's crown,
The voting was adjourned,
No verdict was returned.

And while recounts were still going slow,
The whole world stayed up for the show,
And waited for the news to flow,
The day the voting died.
We were singing...

(Chorus)

Dedicated to the voters of Florida
(Who, BTW, include my mom! (DrBernie)! )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler via Barry) - Cow Mating
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading
down the alley    that had the bulls. They come up to the
first bull and his sign stated:    "This bull mated 50 times
last year." The wife turns to her husband and    says, "He
mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

    They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This
bull mated 65    times last year." The wife turns to her
husband and says, "This one mated    65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this
one, also."

    They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This
bull mated 365    times last year." The wife's mouth drops
open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is
ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this    one."

    The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if
it was 365 times with the same cow."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Michael Salsburg) - I, The Penis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends off or public holidays.

I work in a damp environment don't get paid overtime.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

      Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for
the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the  management team.

You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit
other areas.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such
as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You'll retire well before reaching 65.

You're unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have
completed the day's work.

-- And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious
looking bags.

               Sincerely, The Management

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - The Quiz For Those Who Think They
Know Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor
the participants know the score or the leader until  the
contest ends. What is it?

(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving
backward?

(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their
own for several growing seasons. All other  vegetables must
be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial
vegetables?

(4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in
possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team
can score without touching the ball.

(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

(6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a
real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and
the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How
did the pear get inside the bottle?

(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the
letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of  them.

(8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name half of them?

(9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los
Angeles Lakers"?

(10) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally
reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on
balls a walk - is one way. Name the other six.

(11) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold
frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form  but
fresh. What is it?

(12) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet
that begin with the letter "s".

  answers below -

  ANSWERS TO QUIZ

  (1) Boxing.

(2) Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half
feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water
that rush over it every minute.

(3) Asparagus and rhubarb.

(4) Baseball.

(5) Strawberry.

(6) The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed
over pear buds when they are small, and are  wired in place
on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole
growing season. When the pears are  ripe, they are snipped
off at the stems.

(7) "Dwarf", "dwell", and "dwindle".

(8) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen,
apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,  quotation
marks, brackets parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

(9) In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the
Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they  moved west.

(10) Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher
interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice;
and  being designated as a pinch runner.

(11) Lettuce.

(12) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis,
snowshoes, stockings.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dave Thorn) - And So It Continues …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Japan sent us 50,000,000 cases of Viagra. - They heard that
our entire country can't get an election.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack) - She Was So Blonde …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
... she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
... she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
... she thought a quarterback was a refund.
... she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
... she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
... she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
... she thought General Motors was in the army.
... she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
... she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
... under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
... she tripped over a cordless phone.
... she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can
because it said "Concentrate."
... she told me to meet her at the corner of " WALK and
WALK."
... at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here," she put "Sagittarius."
... she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
... she studied for a blood test.
... she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
... she sold the car for gas money!
... when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
instead.
... when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
... when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from CookieSJE) - Little Johnny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This little Johnny has a clean act...finally...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My
sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is!  I
think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the
principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.  The
principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and
if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to
him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9". Principal: "What is
6 x 6?" Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third grader should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Johnny can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny:
"Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last
four questions myself."


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at

         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          11-22-2000
Hi Everyone!

      This is the annual edition of the wEDNESDAY
      wHACKIES .  something to get you started for the
      long Thanksgiving weekend.  Songs, cartoons, and
      great one liners top the list this week!

      Hope you get some big chuckles, and do have a
      super weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    Looks Like Christmas Is Being Cancelled
·    Al Gore I Am
·    New Redneck Jokes
·    Three Little Pigs (Groaner Alert!)
·    These Are Good
·    The Palm Beach Pokey
·    Higher Intelligence
·    Don't Know Much About .
·    Funny Things To Do In A Drive-Thru
·    Electile Disfunction
·    Traveling Salesman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sue Felix) - Looks Like Christmas Is Being Cancelled
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great picture at
http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/funnies/20001122_files/image003.jpg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jim Condon) -  Al Gore I Am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Can we count them with our nose?
    Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
    Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
    I will simply throw them out!

I will not let this vote count stand
    I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
    Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
    This is not fair, this is not fun
Lets count them upside down this time
    Lets count until the state is mine!

I will not let this VOTE count stand!
    I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
    You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
    And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
    You'll grow to hate this little chore

But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
    I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!
    I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
    All telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral College vile!
    RECOUNT the votes until I smile!

We do not want this vote to stand!
    We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

How shall we count this ballot box?
    Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
    And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
    We must not stop, we must be tough!

I do not want this vote to stand!
    I do not like it AL GORE I am!

I've counted till my fingers bleed!
    And still can't fulfill my counting need!
I'll count the tiles on the floor!
    I'll count, and count, and count some more!
And I will not say that I am done!
    Until the counting says I've won!

I will not let this vote count stand!
    I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

What's that?  What?  What are you trying to say?
    You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
    It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
    You're only care should be for me!

I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND!
    I DO NOT LIKE IT. AND AL GORE I AM!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - New Redneck Jokes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You May Be A Redneck...
·    If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the
      same tree.

·    If you can entertain yourself for more than an hour
with a fly swatter.

·    If your property has been mistaken for a recycling
center.

·    If your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

·    If the Salvation Army declines your mattress.

·    If your entire family ever sat around waiting for a
call from the governor to spare a loved one.

·    If you offer to give someone the shirt off your back
and they don't want it.

·    If you come back from the dump with more than you took.

·    If the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not
hauling anything.

·    If you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

·    If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

·    If your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

·    If you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling
the monkeys.

·    If you think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

·    If you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

·    If you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a
hunting dog.

·    If your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

·    If you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

·    If you go to the stock car races and don't need a
program.

·    If you know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

·    If you have a rag for a gas cap.

·    If your house doesn't have curtains but your truck
does.

·    If you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms
so clean.

·    If you can spit without opening your mouth.

·    If you consider your license plate personalized because
your father made it.

·    If you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

·    If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

·    If you sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to
fill your deer quota.

·    If your richest relative buys a new house and calls you
up to help him take the wheels off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Schank) - Three Little Pigs (Groaner Alert!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were three little pigs that went to a restaurant for
dinner. The waiter came to the table and asked if they would
like something to  drink.

The first piggy said, "I would like a Dr. Pepper." The
second piggy said, "I would like a glass of tea," The third
piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

When the waiter brought the drinks, he asked if they were
ready to  order.

The first piggy said, "I would like a Hamburger." The second
piggy said, "I would like a Steak." The third piggy said, "I
would like a glass of water."

When the piggies were finished eating, the waiter asked if
they would  like some dessert.

The first piggy said, "I would like a hot fudge sundae." The
second piggy said, "I would like a banana split." The third
piggy said, "I would like a glass of water." When the
piggies were finished with dessert, the waiter brought their
check.

Before he left the table, he asked the third little piggy
why he only ordered water.

The third piggy said, "Well, someone has to go 'Wee wee wee
all the way  home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from David) - These Are Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
      things.

·    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

·    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

·    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?

·    The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.

·    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it
would defeat the purpose.

·    Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

·    If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?

·    If a man is standing in the middle of the forest
speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he
still wrong?

·    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to
kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

·    Is there another word for synonym?

·    Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice"?

·    Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

·    What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?

·    If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
wages?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dave Thorn) - The Palm Beach Pokey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                    You put your stylus in,
                   You put your stylus out,
                    You put your stylus in,
                  And you punch Buchanan out.
                  You do the Palm Beach Pokey
                And you turn the count around,
                  That's what it's all about!

                  You put the Gore votes in,
                  You put the Bush votes out,
                  You put the Gore votes in,
                   And you do another count.
                  You do the Palm Beach Pokey
                And you turn the count around,
                  That's what it's all about!

                  You bring your lawyers in,
                 You drag the whole thing out,
                  You bring your lawyers in,
                 And you put it all in doubt.
                  You do the Palm Beach Pokey
                And you turn the count around,
                  That's what it's all about!

                  You let your doctors spin,
                  You let the pundits spout,
                  You let your retirees sue,
                And your people whine and pout.
                  You do the Palm Beach Pokey
                And you turn the count around,
                  That's what it's all about!

                 You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
                 You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
                 You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
                 That's what it's all about!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Fred Silver) - Higher Intelligence
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. A HIGHER INTELLIGENCE...

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying
he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26
million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

  2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered
that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come
out and give yourself up".

  3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw
money from his own bank accounts.

  4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the
counter himself for three hours until police showed up and
grabbed him.

  5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When
detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the
words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man
shouted, "that's not what I said!"

  6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this
her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted,
"This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying
to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King
used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but
unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(hellllllloooooooooo !)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackie784) - Don't Know Much About .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Think of the old Sam Cooke song and sing along...

Bush Inaugural Address

Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Can't remember how I got through school
Cocaine and alcohol were just so cool
But what's it matter 'cause my mommy says
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"

Don't know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about the foreign vets
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be

Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by lying to my lovely daughters
I can win their love for me

Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much 'bout the constitution
Don't know much 'bout th'economy
It never much affected me

But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be

Don't know much about the national debt
Can't say that I've ever paid one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Funny Things To Do In A Drive-Thru
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.   When asked if they can take your order say, "No, why
      can't I take yours?"

2.   If they ask you to wait, order anyway, and keep doing
      it until they yell at you.

3.   Pretend like your car broke down.  Ask for assistance
in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

4.   Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

5.   Order a cup of water and two napkins.  That's it.

6.   Don't order when they come on.  Just sit there.  If a
line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

7.   When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with
all the trash from your car in it.

8.   Just stare at them when you pay and get your food.
Don't break your stare.

9.   Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

10.  When they say, "May I help you?" respond with, "No, I
am beyond help."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide) - Electile Disfunction
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great picture at
http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/funnies/20001122_files/image005.jpg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Traveling Salesman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A traveling salesman was passing through and old farming
town when he decided he needed to get some sleep. He stopped
by an old farmer's house to see if he could get a room for
the night.

The farmer agreed to let the stranger stay at his house but
warned him to stay away from his young daughter. The
salesman agreed.

To make sure the salesman kept his word, the farmer
discreetly placed three fresh eggs above his daughters door.
If the eggs fell and broke, then the farmer would know of
the salesman hanky-panky with his young innocent daughter.

Temptation got the best of the salesman and he snuck into
the young girl's room and did his deed. And of course, broke
all the eggs. He and the young girl spent the rest of the
night gluing the egg shells back together and placed them
back upon the top of the door.

The farmer got up the next morning and checked his
daughter's room. All three eggs appeared to be in place.

He felt good about his daughter and the salesman and decided
to fix them breakfast with the eggs he had used.

He cracked the first one. Nothing inside. Same with the
second and third eggs. Nothing inside. The farmer thought to
himself, "I am no dummy! No one can fool me!" and stormed
out the door in sheer anger. He stood on his porch and
hollered "Okay, I want to know the truth...Which one of you
roosters is wearing a condom!?"


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

  tHE wEDNESDAY wWHACKIES is a special edition of the fRIDAY
fUNNIES which is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to
  other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to
    read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal
   offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so
     please, don't be offended. Contributions are actively
   encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be
  sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-
                       owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          11-10-2000
Hi Everyone!

      Of course the election will dominate this weeks'
      fUNNIES … but to acccomodate those good folks who
      can't see pictures from their eMail programs,
      please click on the webpage address to get the full
      effect!

      Have a great weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

·    Proposed Ballot for a Re-Election
·    Woman
·    Official Ballot
·    Senior Moments
·    The Bridge
·    T-Shirt Slogans
·    Ties and Thirst
·    The Candidates
·    Groaner!
·    My Mantra
·    Going Home From the Party

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Meeker) -  Proposed Ballot for a Re-Election
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/funnies/20001110_files/ballot.jpg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackie784) - Woman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from
a helicopter.   Ten men and one woman. They all decided that
one person should get off  because, if they didn't, the rope
would break and everyone would die.  They  couldn't decide
who should go.  Finally the woman gave a really touching
speech saying how she would give up her life to save the
others, because women were used to giving up  things for
their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not
receiving anything in  return.  When she finished speaking,
all the men started clapping.

Never underestimate the power of a Woman. There were 11
people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
Ten men and one woman. They all decided that one person
should get off  because, if they didn't, the rope would
break and everyone would die.  They  couldn't decide who
should go.  Finally the woman gave a really touching  speech
saying how she would give up her life to save the others,
because women were used to giving up  things for their
husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving
anything in  return.  When she finished speaking, all the
men started clapping.

Never underestimate the power of a Woman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from ricktrap) - Official Ballot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/funnies/20001110_files/officialballot.
jpg


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Nathan Walsh) - Senior Moments (true story)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Super Granny............Defender of Justice...........(True
Story)

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car, found four males in the act of leaving with her
vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun and
proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have
a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you
scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out
and ran like mad. Whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken,
proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car
and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the
ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail. And then it
dawned on  her why. A few minutes later she found her own
car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore
himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of
the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a
car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less
than 5' tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a
large handgun.

No charges were filed. AH ......... SENIOR MOMENTS !!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chris Book) - The Bridge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky  clouded above his head and in a booming
voice the Lord said, "Because  you have TRIED to be faithful
to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"The man said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I
want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very
materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of
the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do
it, but it  is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another
wish,a wish you think would honour and  glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know
how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give
me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when
they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy"
After a few minutes God said ...... "You want two lanes or
four on that bridge?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Beverly Casstevens) - T-Shirt Slogans
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Minds are like Parachutes: They only function when open."

"Filthy, Stinking Rich -  Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"

"Upon the Advice of My  Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message
at This Time"

"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't  Give a Clam"-seen on Cape Cod

"That's It!  I'm Calling  Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year
old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now"

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse He Couldn't Do
Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal  Arts- Do You Want Fries With
That?"

"Party - My Crib - Two A.M."(On a baby-size shirt)

"Finally 21, and Legally  Able to Do Everything I've Been
Doing Since 15"

"If a woman's place is in  the home WHY AM I ALWAYS THIS
CAR!"

"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"

"West Virginia: One Million  People, and 15 last names"

"I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND  I'VE GOT A GUN"

"A hangover is the wrath of  grapes"

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A  HANDICAP - Park elsewhere!"

"DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"

"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already
taken"

"He who dies with the most  toys is nonetheless dead"

"Time's fun when you're  having flies.......Kermit the Frog"

"POLICE STATION TOILET  STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go
on."

"If the shoe fits, buy  it.----Imelda Marcos"

"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a
thousand times the memory."

"The Meek shall inherit the  earth....after we're through
with it."

HAM AND EGGS: A day's work for a chicken;   A lifetime
commitment for a pig."

"WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

"The trouble with life is there's no background music."

"IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO  POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"

"Suicidal Twin Kills Sister  By Mistake!"

"The original point and  click interface was a Smith &
Wesson."

"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"

"Computer programmers don't  byte, they nybble a bit."

"MOP AND GLOW Floor wax  used by Three Mile Island cleanup
team."

"NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-
spinning medicine."

"Quoting one is plagiarism Quoting many is research."

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.   He
thought he was God and I didn't!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Alan Schulman) - Ties and Thirst
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arab was walking through the  desert, desperate for
water, when he saw  something, far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards  the image, only to
find a little old Israeli man sitting at a card  table  with
a bunch of  neckties laid out on it.    The Arab asked
"Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?". The
man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a
tie? Here's one  that goes nicely with our robes." The Arab
shouted, "I don't want a tie, you  idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am,
I'll tell you  that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is
a nice restaurant. Walk that  way, they'll give you all the
water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and
eventually  disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came
crawling back to where the man  was sitting behind his card
table. He said "I told you, about 4 miles over  that hill.
Couldn't you find  it?"    The Arab softly spoke "I found it
all right. But they wouldn't let me in  without a tie."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jim Lewis AND from Mike Criswell) - The Candidates
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The two major party presidential candidates today agreed
that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in
popular entertainment.

However, they disagreed on the details.

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there
is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.
Vice president Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated
meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex
and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore
says there is too much bush.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - Groaner!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio
Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In
the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born
in Italy.. Faithfully they attended parochial school from
kindergarten through their Senior year in High School. They
took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college,
and upon graduation became priests.

  Their careers has come to amaze the world, but it was
generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above
Timothy in all respects.  Their rise through the ranks of
Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say
the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present
Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would
become the next Pope.

  In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went
to work. In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from
the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had
chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular were
surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected
Pope.  Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated
because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he
was the better qualified.

  With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a
private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why
Timothy?' After a long silence one old Cardinal took pity on
the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were
the better of the two, but we just could not bear the
thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being
called...

  Are you ready for this?

  "Pope Secola".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barry Merrill) - My Mantra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God grant me the senility to forget people I never liked
anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, And the
eyesight to tell the difference!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Meeker) - Going Home From the Party
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two young guys were at a party in the woods when all of a
sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain.  The two
ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally
reaching their car just as the rain let up.  They jumped in
the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing
and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old  man's face appeared in the passenger
window and tapped lightly on the window!  The passenger
screamed out, "Eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!!  There's an
old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?)

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open
the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said,
scared out of his wits, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You have any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He
wants tobacco!"

"Well, offer him a cigarette!  HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So the passenger fumbles around with the pack and hands the
old man a cigarette, rolling up the window in terror and
yells, "Step on it!!!".

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they
start laughing again.  The passenger says, "What did you
think of that?"

The driver says, "I don't know.  How could that be?  I am
going pretty fast?"

All of a sudden, AGAIN there is a knock on the window and
the old man is looking in the window.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  There he is again!", the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

The passenger rolls down the window a little ways and
shakily says "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him, rolls
up the window and again yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget
what they had just seen and heard.  Suddenly, again there is
more knocking!  "HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and
screams out, "WHAT DO  YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out
of the mud?"


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          11-03-2000

Hi Everyone!

      My email address is changing to those of you that
      send me things!  Please note the change to
      drbernie@...  .  Thanks!

      Have a super weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    Another Blond Joke
·    Lost
·    The Right Age For Swearing
·    For Better and For Worse
·    Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
·    Choking
·    A Good Thing After All
·    Creation vs Satan
·    The Sinking
·    Death Bed
·    Shopping at the Market
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Sharon Brower) - Another Blond Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A
very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-
thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I  feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude." With that she strips naked from
her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma
needs new clothes!"

Then she hollers..."YES! YES! I  WON! I WON!" Then she
begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
With that she picks up her winnings and clothes and quickly
leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks,  What did she roll anyway?" The
other answers,  "I thought YOU were watching!"

  .....All blondes aren't dumb....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Lon Peper) - Lost
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YOU'RE LOST BETWEEN "BABY BOOMER" AND "GENERATION X"
IF................

  1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb
in the back pocket was cool.

2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt
with the collar turned up.

3. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.

4. You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"

5. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence
of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and
Coleco.

6. You remember the premier of MTV -or worse yet, you
remember its predecessor, "Friday Night Videos."

7. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at
the end of the century and playing Prince's "1999" until you
passed out partying.

8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

9. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative"
really was alternative, and when "alternative comedy" was
really funny.

10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the
minivan.

11. (Related to No. 10) You rode in the back of the station
wagon facing the cars behind you.

12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of
the following phrases: "You know, back when...," "When I was
your age...," or "When I was younger..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from CookieSJE) - The Right Age For Swearing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" ,says the 5 year old, "I think it's about
time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in
approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs
for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into
the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for
breakfast. "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, gets up, and runs upstairs
crying his eyes out.

The Mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your ass it
won't be Cheerios."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from H Pat Artis) - For Better and For Worse
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The man had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet his wife had stayed by his bedside every single
day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come
nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
know what? You

have been with me all through the bad times. When I got
fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my
side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. Now,
with my health failing, you are still by my side. You know
what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be
Trick or Treating
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.  You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8.  You ask for high fiber candy only.

7.  When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose
your balance and fall over.

6.  People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're
not wearing a mask.

5.  When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.

4.  By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.

3.  You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.

2.  You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with
a walker.

1.  You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski) - Choking
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son.
The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it
between his teeth.  As they walk through the market someone
bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin
goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He
immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad
starts  panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed middle-
aged, moderately  attractive but serious woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a  coffee bar in the market
reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.  At the
sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down on  the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places
it on the counter.   Then she gets up from her seat and
makes her unhurried way across the  market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the
boy's private  area and squeezes gently at first and then
ever more firmly. After a few  seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the quarter, which the  woman deftly
catches in her free hand.  Releasing the boy, the woman
hands  the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in
the coffee bar  without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no  lasting
ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts
effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do
anything like  that before-it was fantastic. Are you a
doctor?"  "Good heavens, no," the woman replies.  "I am a
Divorce Attorney."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Max Wallace) - A Good Thing After All
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to
find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.  Just as
the wife was about to smack him  in the face, her husband
stopped her with these words:

"Before you hit me, I want you to hear how all this came
about.  Driving  home along the highway, I saw this young
woman looking tired and bedraggled, so  I brought her home.
She was so hungry that I made her a meal from the roast beef
you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.  She had only
some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good
shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was so cold I gave her a sweater I bought you for your
birthday that you never wore because the color didn't suit
you.  Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours
that were perfectly good, but too small for you now.  And
when she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked
me, 'Is there anything else your wife  doesn't use
anymore?'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from William Huebsch) - Creation vs Satan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And
the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon
the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And
God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb
yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God
saw that it was good. And Satan said, "There goes the
neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our
likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the
sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and
over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that
creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own
image; male and female created he them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were
lean and fit. And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in
this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower
and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so
Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth
the 99 cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You
want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super-size them." And
Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep
her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth
chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought
forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart healthy vegetables and
olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth
chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And
Man gained 10 pounds and his bad  cholesterol went through
the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose
those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with
remote control so Man would not have to toil to change
channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20
pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God
brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat
and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he
created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips
swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is
good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created
quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMO's.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Oscar Bennett) - The Sinking
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cruise ship sinks and three men make it to an uninhabited
island.

   The first man, a Christian, tears two branches from a palm
tree, creates   a cross, and prays to the Lord to be saved
from the island.   The second man, a Muslim, pulls several
fronds from the palm tree,   creates a mat, kneels facing
Mecca, and prays to Allah to save him.   The third man falls
asleep under the palm tree.  The other two can't
understand how this man could remain so calm and serene -
and ask him   how he could be so at ease.   He answers: "Two
years ago I gave $1,000,000 to the Jewish Federation.   Last
year I gave $2,000,000. This year I pledged $3,000,000.
Don't worry, they'll find me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Randy Martin) - Death Bed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, "When I am
gone I want you to marry Fred Uhland."  "Why Fred Uhland?"
his wife asked. "You have hated him all of your life!"
"Still do," gasped the old man."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Ron Richman) - Shopping at the Market
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects
some milk, eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.
As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a
drunk standing behind her in line watches  her place the
four items on the belt and states with assurance:

"You must be single."

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing
nothing unusual about her selection says:

"That's right. How on earth did  you know."

He replies,  "Because you're ugly."

                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be found at

          http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com
  */

                                                  10-20-2000

Hi Everyone!

Well, my METS lost … but I did get to go to game 4 … and saw first
hand the lunatic convention in New York … it was simply eye-opening!

Hope you like these … have a great weekend!

:)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
· Why?
· An American Tourist
· The Optimist
· What Men Really Mean
· Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say
· Testing
· Religions Answer
· 3 Nuns
· Dead Goldfish
· New Dog
· Lady Lawyer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Bill Fairchild) - Why?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Oscar Bennett) - An American Tourist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving
back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis
covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some
tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man comes back a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've
got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare
and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"

The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want,
but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis
and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but
what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American
doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money,
that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!  Wait two weeks. It
fall off by itself!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - The Optimist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate
his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the
circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find
no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear
about Tom?  He came home last night, found his wife in bed with
another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been
worse?!"

"Well," replied Frank, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
dead now.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski) - What Men Really Mean
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it
works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song
to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the
vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."

"I HEARD YOU." "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and
am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you
don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever
see us alive again."

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from William Teed) - A NEW LIST Of Things You Will Never Hear A
Woman Say:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you
for ignoring me.
2. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too.  I
invited her over for dinner on Friday.
3. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down
and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still
cover.
4. Bar food again!? Great.
5. I liked that wedding even more than ours. You know, your ex-
girlfriend has class.
6. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go
over and talk to her.
7. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't
have to mess with it anymore.
8. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
9. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more
pitchers.
10. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another
round for you and your friends.
11. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever
change it again.
12. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer. You
passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
13. You are so much smarter than my father.
14. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch
football.
15. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
16. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
17. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
18. I love it when you change channels all the time.  It really helps
me find out what else is on!
19. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
20. If you need me I'll be out painting the house.
21. I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more
time to ride.
22. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come
see!
23. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
24. Your mother is way better than mine.
25. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy
yourself something.
26. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you
retire.
27. You need your sleep sweetheart, now stop getting up for the night
feedings.
28. Look! My ass is fatter than yours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from CookieSJE) - Testing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.

  "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

  "I juggle them in my act," answers the man.

  "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler
starts  tossing and juggling the knives.

  A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit
drinking.  Look at the test they're making you do now!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steven Judovin) - Religions Answer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Religions' answer to "Shit Happens":

Catholicism: ------If shit happens, I deserve it.
Baptist:-------------Shit happens, and I'll burn in hell for it.
Protestantism:----Shit won't happen if I work harder.
Judaism:----------- Why does this shit always happen to me?
Buddhism:--------- When shit happens, is it really shit?
Islam:--------------- If shit happens, take a hostage.
Hinduism:--------- This shit happened before.
Hare Krishna:---- Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.
Rastafarianism:---Let's smoke this shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Alan of the Rosenbergs) - 3 Nuns
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three Nuns and their Mother Superior were sitting in a restaurant
having dinner and deciding where to go for vacation.

The first Nun said: "Let's go to Jerusalem."  The Mother Superior
said: "No, there are too many Jews there."

The second Nun said: "Let's go to Florida."  The Mother Superior
said: "No, there are too many Jews there."

The third Nun said: "Let's go to New York."   The Mother Superior
said:"No, there are too many Jews there."

A little old lady sitting at the next table leaned over and
said: "Vell, vy don't you go to hell, there are no Jews there."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Peter DeLucia) - Dead Goldfish
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he
asked in his friendly way, "What are you up to, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."

The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's
because he's inside your freaking cat."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Bill Fairchild) - The New Dog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off to his neighbor.
So when the neighbor comes over, he calls the dog into the house,
bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and
stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open,
tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. Morris points to
the newspaper on the couch and commands, "FETCH!"

Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His tail
wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears. Looking balefully up
at his master, he says in a whiny voice, "You think this is easy
wagging my tail all the time? Oy! It hurts from so much wagging! And
you think that designer dog food you're feeding me is good? You try
it. It's dreck! Too salty! And what do you care? You just push me out
the door to take a squirt twice a day. I can't even remember the last
time you took me out for a good walk."

The neighbor is amazed. "What the heck is that? Your dog is sitting
there talking! And all it's doing is complaining!"

"Oh, I know," explains Morris. "He's young, and I'm still training
him. He thought I said KVETCH!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski) - Lady Lawyer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The lady lawyer approached the jury box and began an eloquent plea
for her client: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want to tell you
about this man.  There's so much to say that is good: he never beat
his mother; he was always kind to little children; he never did a
dishonest thing in his life; he has always lived by the golden rule;
he is a model of everything decent, forthright, and honest.  Everyone
loves him and. . . "

Her client leaned over to a friend and said, "How do like that bitch?
I pay her good dough to defend me, and she's telling the jury about
some other guy."


                     +++++++++++++++++++++++++
                 Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to
other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and
enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to
any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed -
and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
distribution list? Send an Email to
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all there is
to it!

Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-
unsubscribe@egroups.com

Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

      /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
       Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
      \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
        ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          10-20-2000

Hi Everyone!

      What a week!  Hope it's been a great one for you.
      I'm confident you'll like this weeks' collection
      of insanity … Thanks to everyone!

      Have a fun weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie

PS - Jerry asked me to ask all of you to vote for him
if you haven't voted already.  Next week, though,
I'll ask all of you to vote for John. Please forgive
me here if you know not what I'm talking about!

PPS - Happy 27th Anniversary, Shel !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.    Fly Warnings
·    Mystery Daddies
·    Damn Republican
·    Ducks
·    You Know You're Old If …
·    Signs You've Grown Up
·    Eskimoes
·    Signs of Menopause
·    Miss Golly
·    Monica
·    Actual Answering Machine Announcements
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Clark Kidd) - Fly Warnings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Top 20 Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is
hanging out.
17) You've got Windows on your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier isn't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his
bells.
13) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and
locked position.
12) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower
deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of
"Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1) Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Mystery Daddies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following are all replies that have been included on
Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing
father's details:

~ Regarding the identity of the father of my twins.  Child A
was fathered by [name removed].  I am unsure as to the
identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was
conceived on the same night.

~ I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child
as I was being sick out of a window when I was taken
unexpectedly from behind.  I can provide you with a list of
names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

~ I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.
She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where
I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night.  I do
remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do
manage to track down the father can you send me his phone
number? Thanks.

~ I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in
one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service
stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

~ I have never had sex with a man.  I am awaiting a letter
from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

~ I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs
me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have
cataclysmic implications for the British economy.  I am torn
between doing right by you and by my country. Please advise.

~ I do not know who the father of my child was as all
squaddies look the same to me.  I can confirm that he was
wearing a Royal Green Jacket.

~ [name given] is the father of child A.  If you do catch up
with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC cds?

~ From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Euro Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

~ So much about that night is a blur.  The only thing I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs
earlier in the evening.  If I'd stayed in and watched more
TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine
might have remained unfertilized.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - Damn Republican
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old lady called 911.  When the operator answered
she yelled, "Help, send the police to my house right away!
There's a damn Republican  on  my front porch and he's
playing with himself." "What?" the operator exclaimed! "I
said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing
with  himself  and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm
afraid!  Please send the  police!" the little old lady
repeated. "Well, now, how do you know he's a Republican???"
"Because, you damn fool, if he were a Democrat, he'd be
screwing  somebody!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(another from Mike) - Ducks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar, but
didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached
into his tackle box and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat
monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.

"Could I see him?"

Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master.  Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million
bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves
him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million
ducks flying overhead is heard.

Sven to Ole, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of
hearing.  Do yew really tink I asked for a 12-inch BIC??

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Meeker) - You Know You're Old If …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and
discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and
you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license
picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before
your money does.

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother
said to you and you always hated it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Brian Goff) - Signs You've Grown Up
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a. Your potted plants stay alive.

b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.

c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and
breakup.

h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids
next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around
you.

l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the
beginning of one.

r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for
information.

s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not
condoms and pregnancy test kits.

t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet
Pepsi & Ding Dongs.

w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm
never going to drink that much again."

x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is
for real work.

y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a
bar.

z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that
doesn't apply to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski) - Eskimoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they
were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold
it was outside and how cold their igloos were. They could
agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they
decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo. They
went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch
this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the
water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.

"Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their
igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said
"Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon
his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they
ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!"
and went into the  bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and
retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took
it, put it in a spoon and held a match under it. When it
heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dan Tartaglia) - Signs of Menopause
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. (Hot
flashes)

9. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove,
he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather
than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. (Mood
swings)

8. You write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
(Memory loss)

7. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." and your
reply, "Well, ifitisn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson."
(Irritability)

6. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate
Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. (Sleeplessness)

5. You find guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
(Fatigue)

4. You change your underwear after every sneeze. (Mild
incontinence)

3. You need Jaws Of Life to help you out of your car after
returning home from an Italian restaurant. (Sudden weight
gain)

2. You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania." (Female
hormonedeficiency) and the number one sign of menopause is:

1. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie
troop on a field trip to the Chippendales. (Hormone therapy)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide) - Miss Golly
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Dolly was in her eighties, and much admired for her
sweetness and  kindness to all.  The pastor came to call on
her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him
into her Victorian parlor.  She invited  him to have a seat
while she prepared a little tea.  As he sat facing her  old
pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl
sitting on top of it, filled with water.  In the water
floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise.  Imagine his curiosity!
Surely   Miss Dolly had flipped or something...!  But he
certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and  cookies,  they began to
chat.  The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the
bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the
better of him, and he could resist no longer.  "Miss Dolly"
he said, " I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
(pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?  I was walking
downtown last fall and I found this little package.  The
directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it
would prevent disease. And you know......I haven't had a
cold all winter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Peter De Lucia) - Monica
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young lady named Monica arrived at the dry cleaners to
find no one at the counter.

She heard someone moving about in the back, so she called
out, "Hellooooo, it's Monica and I have a blue dress I need
cleaned."

The employee in the back didn't quite hear her and called
back, "Come again?"

To this Monica responded, "No.  It's gravy this time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Michael J Waters) - Actual Answering Machine
Announcements
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as
soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons
is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If
you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is,
so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you
leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or
a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity
through their office and do not need their picture taken. If
you're still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll
think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's
you.

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until
I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home
cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a
message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will
be used by us.

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up
the phone right now, because we're doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it
left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when
we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

forwarded from Eric Berg...

                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          10-13-2000
Hi Everyone!
      They're great … thanks to everyone … we'll all go
      into the weekend as better people!?

      Anyway, remember to laugh this weekend!  And, of
      course, please think SUBWAY SERIES (being a
      lifelong New Yorker, I must do what I can to raise
      the consciousness of the earth!)

           :)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    Talking to God
·    You Gotta Be Kiddin'
·    Cowboys
·    Pickup
·    Praying at the Wall
·    Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
·    How It Actually Happened
·    Your Favorite Newspaper
·    Do You Believe?
·    Give It a Try
·    True Quotes From George W

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Rafael Goldfarb) - Talking to God
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass, and looking
up at the clouds.  He was identifying shapes when he
decided to talk to God.

God", he said, "how long is a million years?"

God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a
minute."

The man next asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God answered, "To me, it's a penny."

The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "In a minute."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski) - You Gotta Be Kiddin'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you know that the expression "You Gotta Be Kiddin,!" is
historic?

Well, it is!  It goes back to the Revolutionary War! One
dark, cold wintry night George Washington was in retreat
with a group of his soldiers from one of his early defeats
on the battlefield.

With a weary little group of his men he entered a small town
and went up to the first house and knocked on the door.The
lady of the house opened the door and Washington said,
"Ma'am, I'm General Washington and I am trying to find a
place for my men to sleep tonight.  Do you have any extra
beds in your house?"

The woman answered, "Oh, I have eleven children.  I don't
think so.  Oh, yes!, I do have one bed if that will help
you."

Washington turned around and called out, "Sergeant Cox,
front and center." The sergeant went on into the house and
the group moved on to the next house, which, unbeknown to
Washington, was a "house of ill-repute".

The madame came to the door and George told his sad story
and asked if she had any beds for his men.

She said,"Do we have beds???  How many men do you have?"

Washington looked around and said,"Fourteen without Cox."

The madame said, "You gotta be kiddin,!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chuck Hopf) - Cowboys
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink.  As he sat
there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to
him.  She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a
real cowboy?"

     He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the
ranch, herding horses,   mending fences, and branding cattle
so I guess I am."

     She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As  soon as I get up in the morning, I think
about women.  When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to
make me think of women."

     A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old
cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

     He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found
out I'm a lesbian."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from David) - Pickup
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed
woman sitting on a bar  stool alone. He walks up to her and
says, "Hi there, how's  it going tonight?" She turns to him,
looks him straight in the  eyes and says, "I'll screw
anybody, any time, any where, any  way, it doesn't matter to
me." The guy raises his eyebrows and  says, "No kidding?
What law firm do you work for?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Rafael Goldfarb) - Praying at the Wall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an
apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall.  Every day when she
looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the
old man.

She asks: "You come every day to the wall.  How long have
you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for
25 years.

In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man.

I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the
eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed.  "How does it make you feel to
come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?"
she asks.  The old man looks at her sadly.  "Like I'm
talking to a wall."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Bill Fairchild) - Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
   9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
   8. Crying can be fun.
   7. FAT CLOTHES
   6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a
   balanced  lunch.
   5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can
   be considered a peak life experience.
   4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
   3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good
   hairdresser is next to impossible.
   2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under
   ten minutes.

   AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

    1. OTHER WOMEN


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - How It Actually Happened
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the beginning God created Eve.  And she had 3 breasts.

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.
"How's things, Eve?" He asked.  It is all so beautiful,
God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are
breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is
wonderful, but I just have this one problem. It's these
three breasts you've given me.  The middle one pushes the
other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my
arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes,
they're a real pain," reported Eve. "That's a fair point,"
replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I
gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you'd need
half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right
away!" So, God reaches down and rips the middle breast right
off, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the
garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" He asked.
"Just fantastic," she replied, but for one small oversight
on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The
ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have
a mate, except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a
moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have
overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately
create Man from a part of you !! Now, let's see ... where
did I leave that useless boob?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler via Barry and from Steve Judovin) - Your
Favorite Newspaper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the
country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the
country.

The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought
to run  the country.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the
country  but don't  understand The Washington Post.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind
running  the country, if they could spare the time.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run
the  country.

The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too
sure who's running the country.

The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's
running the country, as long as they do something
scandalous.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't
sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another
country.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Do You Believe?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his
congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except
to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next
Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain."

The people did as they were told and returned to church the
following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was
furious.

"We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said.

"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."

"Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide) - Give It a Try
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give this a try - it only takes 10 seconds and is funny as
hell.
     National Discount Brokers
1.   Dial 1-800-888-3999 (it's free)
2.   Listen to all of the options
3.   After hearing the 7th option - hit 7


   Every company should have an option 7.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Leilani Allen) - True Quotes From George W
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of weeks ago you included an anti-Clinton item.
How about some equal time? [And these are actually
hilarious]

TRUE QUOTES FROM GEORGE W
"Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texan to you,
but I like it. When I'm talking about -- when I'm talking
about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us
are talking about me."--Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."--
Reuters, May 5, 2000

"I think we agree, the past is over."--On his meeting with
John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000

"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is
sometime until we get an objective analysis."--Meet the
Press, April 15, 2000

"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty
close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is
close to California."--Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000

"We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the
obligations; their obligations as teachers. We want them to
know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make
sure there's not this kind of federal cufflink."--Fritsche
Middle School, Milwaukee, March 30, 2000

"The fact that he relies on facts -- says things that are
not factual-- are going to undermine his campaign."--New
York Times, March 4, 2000

"It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton
in nature."--Los Angeles, Feb. 23, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one."--New York
Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have he
can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and
then claim the low road."--To reporters in Florence, S.C.,
Feb. 17, 2000

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and
polls and principles, come and join this campaign."--Hilton
Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

"How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system
that simply suckles kids through?"--Explaining the need for
educational accountability, Beaufort, S.C., Feb.  16, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher."--South Carolina
Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less, I
pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from
this show. And I'm more interacting with people."--Meet The
Press, Feb. 13, 2000

"I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the
middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth."--
Nashua, N.H., as quoted by Gail Collins, New York Times,
Feb. 1, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady
in my case."--Pella, Iowa, as quoted in the San Antonio
Express News, Jan. 30, 2000"

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"--
Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's
what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve."-
-Speaking during Perseverance Month at Fairgrounds
Elementary School in Nashua, N.H.

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."-
-Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and
uncertainty and potential mental losses."--At a South
Carolina oyster roast; quoted in the Financial Times, Jan.
14,2000

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor
just like you like to be liked yourself."--At a South
Carolina oyster roast; quoted in the Financial Times, Jan.
14,2000

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"--
Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There
needs to be townhall meetings. There needs to be travel.
This is a huge country."--Larry King Live, Dec. 16, 1999

"The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?"--
Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in
New Hampshire;quoted in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

"Keep good relations with the Grecians."--Quoted in the
Economist, June 12, 1999

"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to
handle the job is underestimating."--U.S. News & World
Report, April 3, 2000

                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at
       http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm   */
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   To subscribe -      fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-
send  an eMail to      subscribe@eGroups.com

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          09-29-2000
Hi Everyone!

      Blondes and jokes for people who work are back!
      Yay!  Be sure to check out this weeks' special
      features "Dr Seuss Explains Why Computers Don't
      Work Sometimes" (a bit of poetry for all the
      geeks) and "Buzzword Bingo" really hits too close
      to home for me!

      Have a great weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    Blondes Are Back!
·    Passwords
·    Oh Heavens!
·    Buzzword Bingo
·    Speeding?
·    Short
·    Tampons
·    Dr Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
·    One For Computer Folks That Can Still Remember
·    Great Prize
·    Rufus and Clarence

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Blondes Are Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?  A:
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T
WALK".

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?  A: Got stuck in a
trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher
learning? A: A visitor.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?  A: Tell her she's
pregnant.  *****  Q: What will she ask you?  A: "Are you
sure it's mine?"

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?  A: Write 'Please
turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress
(reading her name  tag) ?  A: "'Debbie'. . . that's cute!
What did you name the other one?"

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips...from trying
to blow out  lightbulbs.

Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven...she didn't
know which 1 came first.

What do you call a basement full of blondes...a whine
cellar.

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives...the vegetable
garden.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Lon Peper) - Passwords
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up
his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as
a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter PENIS.

Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:

           *** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from ricktrap) - Oh Heavens!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint
Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house,
with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and
spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

  One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks,
when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

  "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did
you get it?"

  "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of
these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got
a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a
huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three
Rolls Royces."

  "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked
Gates.

  "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of
the Titanic."

  Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately
stalked off to find St.Peter.

  Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met,
saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while
you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the
Captain of the Titanic?  I invented the Windows operating
system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

  "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic
only crashed once."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Marty Brake via Betty and from Dave Thorn) - Buzzword
Bingo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those of you who attend a lot of meetings, this should
make those meetings go faster! If you don't attend lots of
meetings, consider yourself lucky. How to play: Simply tick
off 5 words heard in one meeting from the following list and
shout out BINGO! It's that easy!

Synergy
Paradigm
Align
Partner
Due Diligence
Proactive, not Reactive
Win-Win Situation
Think Outside the Box
Take That Off-line
On the Same Page
Client-Focused
Strategic Fit
Gap Analysis
Best Practice
The Bottom Line
Core Business
Lessons Learned
Touch Base
Revisit
Game Plan
Bandwidth
Hardball
In the Loop
Out of the Loop
Go the Extra Mile
Benchmark
The Big Picture
Value-Added
Movers and Shakers
Ball Park
Fast Track
Result-Driven
A Done Deal
Empower Employees
No Blame
Stretch the Envelope
Knowledge Base
Total Quality
Mindset
Put This One to Bed
Quality-Driven
Move the Goal Posts
Peel the Onion Back

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Becky Goldstein) - Speeding?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing  at the driver, he was astounded to see a
blonde behind the wheel knitting!  Realizing that she was
oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the  trooper
cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled,
PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Barra) - Short
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have   to
hear about all the men she could have married, and   she
didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowki) - Tampons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok, I'm the only female in a house full of guys: 4 sons and
a hubby. Toilet seat never down, etc.-you get the picture.
Therefore, I'm the only one who would be using Female
products, correct?

A strange thing was happening at my house: tampons were
disappearing. *insert Twilight Zone theme* It started a few
months ago, when I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon
and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just
bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store,
buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (that time of month), I go back to the
cupboard and viola! there is only one tampon left, again!
What is going on here? Gremlins? Total memory failure?

I go to the store, buy another box and try to chalk it up to
forgetfulness, but am really wondering, now. Later in the
month, I decide to clean out my two youngest sons' closet
and, Low and Behold! at the bottom of their closet are the
wrappers, applicators, and the tampon themselves!

Now I am starting to freak... Dear God, what are they doing
with them?!! I get hold of myself, tell myself that "I am an
Adult" and can handle this - despite the bizarre thoughts
running through my mind. Wondering, "Do I have enough money
saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?" I go to the stairs
and yell to my two youngest sons to "Come Here, RIGHT
NOW!!!"

With their usual lack of speed, they finally appear in their
room to find me staring into the bottom of their closet. I
firmly, but with control, ask, "What are you doing with
THOSE? Those are MINE!"

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights
and is silent. My 10 year old looks at me, all innocent, and
says, "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and
THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. What do YOU use them
for?"

"NEVER MIND...GO PLAY!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Michael Klibaner) - Dr Seuss Explains Why Computers
Sometimes Crash
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cuz the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna
crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says
the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of
gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barry via Alan Schulman) - One For Computer Folks That
Can Still Remember …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the early days of computers at NASA, a  bean counter was
responsible for knowing  the weight of each component in
each satellite;  he knew the weight of a solder dot, each
resistor, etc., etc., and came to the  Software Project
manager, to find out how  much the onboard software was
going to  weight.

  "Put down zero, software has no weight" he  was told, but
he persisted in weekly demands  for the weight of the
programs, only to be  rebuffed each time.

  Finally, he walked in to the managers desk,  slammed down a
case of 2000 IBM punch cards,  and said, "Tell me how many
cards there are  in your programs and I can do my job".

  The Software Project manager replied:   "Put down zero: we
only use the holes!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Wayne via Pat Artis) - Great Prize
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a  beer  when
they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They
bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won
a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet
spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th
prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the
neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how
he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love
spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna' go back
to paper."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Nathan Walsh) - Rufus and Clarence
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the
Ozarks....  Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides
of the river and they  hated each other.

  Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would
go down to  their respective sides of the river and yell at
each other. "Rufus!!"  Clarence would shout. "You better
thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim....  er I'd swim this
river and whup your butt!!"  "Clarence!!!" Rufus would
holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I
cain't swim...  er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny
butt!!!    "

This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the
Army Corps of  Engineers comes along and builds a bridge.
Still, every morning, every  day, for another five years
this yelling across the river goes on, even  with the
bridge.    Finally....Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!"
she squallers one day.  "I cain't take no more!!  Ever day
for 25 years you've been threatenin' to  whup Clarence.
Well, there's the bridge......have at it." Rufus thought
for a moment... Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he  declared, snapping his suspenders into place,
"I'm going across that thar  bridge and I'm gonna whup
Clarence's butt!!!"    He walked out the door, down to the
river, along the riverbank, came to  the bridge, stepped up
onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the  bridge,
looked up.....TURNED TAIL AND RAN, RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE
HOUSE,  SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE
SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND  GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup
Clarence's butt!!!"  "I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses.  "What in  tarnation is the
matter?"  "Well,"  muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I
went to the bridge......I stepped up on the
bridge.....walked halfway over the  bridge....looked
up....."    "And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with
suspense. "And," continued Rufus,  "I saw a sign that said
"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" - he ain't never  looked that
big from the other side of the river!!!!!!!"


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

If you're a computer weenie with a Computer Science background, then if
you have the time, you've just got to surf over to
http://www.debsfunpages.com/hillbilly.htm ... and turn up the sound.
Then think about what it's really saying!

Courtesy of my good friend Bob Levy!  Thanks Bob!

Also, some ASTOUNDING web magic!  Surf over to
http://www.timwike.dircon.co.uk/card.html

See you Friday!

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
                           found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

               To subscribe - send  an eMail to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          09-29-2000
Hi Everyone!

      a GREAT set of fUNNIES this week!  Thanks to
      everyone who sent some in . I laughed pretty good
      this week (and needed the laughs too!)  Take those
      extra couple of minutes out and look through 'em
      all .

      Happy New Year to everyone . and best wishes for a
      nice weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    The Bet
·    Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At
      Your Desk
·    Programmers
·    When Their Programs Don't Work
·    Applause
·    Another One With Clinton
·    Overboard
·    Cosmetics
·    The Moon and the Earth
·    Too Much of the 21st Century
·    No Offense Intended

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from William Teed) - The Bet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink,
and were watching the 6 O'clock news.  A man was shown
threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet
the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead
replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the
redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take
this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No.  A bet's a
bet.  You won the money."  So the redhead said, "Listen, I
have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't
take your money."

The blonde replied,... "Well, so did I, but I never thought
he'd jump again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Peter De Lucia) - Ten Best Things To Say If You Get
Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

9. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about
in that time management course you sent me to.

8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You
probably got here just in time!

7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people
who practice yoga?

4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem.

3. The coffee machine is broken...

2. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot...
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at
your desk...

1. "...in Jesus name. Amen." (you may have to replace Jesus,
but you get the point)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Becky Goldstein) - Programmers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a recent computer software engineering course,  the
participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered  that
your team of programmers were responsible for the  flight
control software, how many of you would disembark
immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one  man sat
motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied  that
he would be quite content to stay aboard.  With his  team's
software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even  taxi as
far as the runway, let alone take off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Alan Schulman) - Top 20 Replies By Programmers When
Their Programs Don't Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the number one reply by programmers when their programs
don't work:

1. "It works on my machine."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Applause
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in
enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for
this HOT number from the nearby town.

  She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the
soldiers went mad.  They clapped for 5 minutes.

  For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra
and G strings.  This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

  The next number she danced topless, and this time the
applause went on and on.  The Major had to come on stage and
ask them to quiete down for the grand finale.

  For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance
naked.  The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise
to bring the roof down.  But ten minutes later, there is no
clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

  The Major asks her, "What happened?  How come there was no
clapping this time?" She replied,

  "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one
hand?!!?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler via Barry) - Another One With Clinton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill Clinton was walking down a street in Washington when he
came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between
l0 and l2 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog.  Concerned lest the boys
were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you
doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old
neighborhood stray.  We all want him, but only one of us can
take him home.  So we've decided that whichever one of us
can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the president was taken aback.  "You boys
shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.
He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying,
beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and
ending with "why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the
president was beginning to think he'd gotten through to
them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All
right, give him the dog."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Clark Kidd) - Overboard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were  standing on the back of the boat watching the
moon when a wave came up and  washed the old  woman
overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find  her, so
the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he  would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and  finally the old man got a fax from
the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform  you, we found your
wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to
the deck and attached to her back was an oyster and inside
it was a pearl  worth $50,000 Please advise." The old man
faxed back: "Send me the pearl and  re-bait the trap."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Cosmetics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours
applying the "miracle" products.  Finally, when she was
done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly
now, what age would you say I am?"

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well,
hon, judging from your skin, twenty.  Your hair, mmmm,
eighteen.  Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!"

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler via Barry) - The Moon and the Earth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a
tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every
year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years
ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about
35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs.  The tallest
ones, anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide) - 25 Signs That You've Already Had Too
Much of the 21st Century
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in
years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of three.

5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to
eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for
dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South
Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor
yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year,but you
posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your
college roommate used to play.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle
soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you
to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a
screen saver.

13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
to see if anyone is home.

14. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at
the bottom of the screen.

15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date
and now sells for half the price you paid.

16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or
debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food
bags out of the back seat of your car.

18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that
they do not have e-mail addresses.

19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

21. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it
notes.

22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in
person.

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse... you're going to forward it to someone
else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Lon Peper) - No Offense Intended
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a
friend, who tells him, "I know this "little person" with a
speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending
him over." The "little person" arrives, and the owner asks
if he wants a male or female horse.  "A female horth", the
"little person" replies.  So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?" So the owners
picks up the "little person" and shows him the horse's
mouth. "Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?"  So the owner
picks up the "little person" and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Ok, what about the eerth?"  Now the owner is getting
pissed, but he picks up the "little person" one more time
and shows him the ears.

"OK, finally, can I see her twat?"  With that, the owner
picks up the "little person" and shoves his head up the
horse's vagina, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the "little person" says, "Perhapth I
thould rephrathe that.  Can I thee her wun awownd?

                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
     found at http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

   To subscribe - send  an eMail to fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-
                   subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          09-22-2000
Hi Everyone!

      The battle of the sexes rages on … hope you get
      the usual chuckles out of these!

      Have a great weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-    Midlife for Women
-    Career Move
-    Exercise
-    Viagra
-    Politically Correct?
-    Cosmetic Surgery
-    Olympics
-    Humor of the Cloth
-    Oh Mother
-    Thank You Note
-    Quips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Tom Sokolowski) - Midlife for Women
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you
are now so old,  you have to pay someone to look at you
naked.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have
wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we
are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a
mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and
you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to
appear topless in film.

You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold when you're
in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of
"Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce
back.  (It's more like Splat!)

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and
that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life... jiggly,
yes; jiggy, no.

Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-
by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately
scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in
a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire
fell, and those things will too!"

Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side.  You look at
your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and
think, "For this I   have stretch marks?"

Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go.  The only
thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective in mid-life.  You start pondering
the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much
Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a
healthy choice?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Peter De Lucia) - Career Move
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris walks into his bedroom and sees his wife Sherry
packing her  suitcase.  He says, "What are you doing?" She
answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I  heard prostitutes
there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for  free."
Later that day on her way out Sherry walks into the bedroom
and sees her  husband packing his suitcase. When she asks
him where he's going, Morris  replies, "I'm going to Vegas
too. I want to see you live on $800 a year.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Bob Johnson) - Exercise
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you
add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years
old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at
$5000 per month.

  1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she
was 60.  She's 97 now and we don't know where she is!

  2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I
could hear heavy breathing again.

  3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

  4. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain
figures out what I'm doing.

  5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch
our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.

  6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by
people who annoy me.

  7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers
them.

  8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die
healthier.

  9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with
a small country.

  And last but not least:

  10. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my
glass.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Viagra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked
the  pharmacist for Viagra.    The pharmacist said "That's
no problem.  How many do you  want?"    The man replied,
"Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you  cut each one
into four pieces."    The pharmacist said, "That's too small
a dose.  That won't get  you   through sex." The gentleman
said, "Oh, that's all right.  I'm passed  eighty years old,
and I don't even think about sex anymore.  I just  want it
to stick out  far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Diane via Mimi T) - Politically Correct?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republicans announced today that they are changing their
emblem from  an elephant to a condom because it more clearly
reflects their  party's    political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production,
discourages    cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and
gives one a sense of  security while screwing others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Suzanne) - Cosmetic Surgery
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two women were having lunch together & discussing the merits
of cosmetic surgery.  The first woman says, "I need to be
honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of
having my asshole bleached."

To which the first replies, " WOW, I just can't picture your
husband as a blonde!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Becky & Joel Goldstein) - Olympics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of  Olympic
condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.    Upon getting
home he announces to his wife the purchase  he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so
special?"     "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold,
Silver and Bronze."    "What colour are you going to wear
tonight?", she asks cheekily.    "Gold of course", says the
man proudly.    The wife responds, "Really, why don't you
wear Silver, it  would be nice if you came second for a
change!".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler via Barry) - Humor of the Cloth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the
barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says,
"Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't
charge you, it's on the house." The Priest says, "Thank you
very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on
the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a Buddhist Monk goes in for a shave and a
shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No
money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the
people, it's on the house." The Buddhist Monk says, "Thank
you very much" and leaves.  The next day, magically
appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.

The following week a Rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to
pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man,
a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the
barbershop are 12 Rabbis.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Becky Goldstein) - Oh Mother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There finally IS a Jewish president. So he calls his mother
and says, "Mom, I want you to come visit."

And she says, "Gee, I don't know. It's so far."

And he says, "No problem, I'll send Airforce One to pick you
up."

And she says, "OK, but then, when I land, I'll need to find
some sort of transportation."

And he says, "No problem, I'll have the Secret Service pick
you up in a limo."

And she says, "That's nice, but where will I stay?"

And he says, "Mom, I'm the president of the United States.
You'll stay HERE with me in the White House."

So she says, "OK, I'll come."

That night, she's talking with her friend Irene, and she
says,"Guess what -- I'm going to visit my son."

And Irene says, "The doctor?"

And she says, "No, the OTHER one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jim Condon) - Thank You Note
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. President:

  I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I
voted for Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on
that and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done,
specifically:

  1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula
Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen
Willey, and Juanita Broaddrick. Did I leave anyone out?

2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I
had really planned to wait until they were about 10 or so to
discuss it with them, but now they know more about it than I
did as a senior in college.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the
work place (especially the White House) and on the job is
OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "IS" is.
It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not
sex and one person may have sex while the other one involved
does NOT have sex.

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to
a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot
of the movie "Wag The Dog" could be plausible after all.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald
Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon
Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.

  6. Thank you for the 72 House and Senate witnesses who have
pled the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the
country to avoid testifying about Democrat campaign fund
raising.

  7. Thank you for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4
imprisonment's from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55
criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the
other "Clinton" scandals.

  8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting"
much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on
"vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips. Please
give my regards to Hillary, when/if you see her. Tell her
I'm working on a "Thank You" letter for her.

  9. Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars of
excess tax money. I really didn't need it in the first place
and I can't think of a more well-deserving group of
recipients for my hard-earned dollars than jet fuel for all
of your globe-trotting  I understand you, the fam, and your
cronies have logged in more time aboard Air Force One than
any other administration.   God bless America and THANK YOU
for spending my taxes so wisely and frugally.

  Sincerely,  U.S. Citizen

  P.S. Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for
"inventing" the Internet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stermer) - Quips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know what I did before I married?  Anything I wanted to.
                             -- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to
suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
                               -- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says "My wife and I are completely equal
partners", is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge.
                             -- Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut
afterwards.
                              --Benjamin Frankin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
                               -- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.
                               -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
                               -- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.
                               -- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
                               -- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of
thinking.
                              -- Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car.  She called and said, "There is
water in the carburetor."  I said,  "Where's the car?"  She
said, "In the lake."
                                -- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.
                                -- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just
napping.
                                -- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
                                   -- Henny Youngman


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
     found at http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

   To subscribe - send  an eMail to
	 fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@eGroups.com */

                          09-15-2000
Hi Everyone!

      Thanks to everyone who sent in a fUNNY or two this
      week … there were so many great ones!  Hope you
      all like this bunch!

      Have a nice weekend!

           :)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    The Best Five Firestone Tire Slogans
·    A Groaner
·    This Is The Cat
·    Hillary's Driver
·    Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
·    Defensive Driving
·    Aging
·    A Strange Buzzing Noise
·    How To Solve A Problem
·    Pizza Delivery
·    My Mother Taught Me To Appreciate A Job Well Done

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Meeker) - The Best Five Firestone Tire Slogans
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    5. "Safer than a Russian sub."
    4. "Come to our BLOWOUT sale!"
    3. "Pop a set on your car today."
    2. "Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit."
    1.  "You can't recall a better tire."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Glen Williams) - A Groaner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day two carrots were walking down the street.  They were
the best of friends.  Just as they started to step off the
curb, a car sped around the corner and ran one of them over.

The uninjured carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and
over again that he would be "OK".  Finally, the ambulance
arrived and rushed the injured carrot off to the hospital.
His friend rode with him.

Once at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and
forth in the emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was
going to be.

After many minutes of agonized waiting, the doctor came out.
He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have
good news and I have bad news.  The good news is that your
friend is going to be OK. The bad news is that he is going
to be a vegetable all his life."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - This Is The Cat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from
the start.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Hillary's Driver
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country
road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was
killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and
explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car
with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of
wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine,
his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter
made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I
just killed the cow.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Butch Rambish) - Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dog's parents will never visit you.
A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog will not get mad at you if you forget his birthday.
A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
A dog does not get mad at you if you look at another dog.
A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
A dog does not shop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Hank Levine via Barry) - Defensive Driving
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was driving to the airport yesterday when I observed a
female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing
him to have to drive on to the shoulder.

This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung
out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS
smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic, and here's why.

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76
miles. Of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper, most of
the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just
look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I  pass
something like a car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars
every 40  feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars
every mile, or 31,424   cars. Even though the rest of the 34
miles is not bumper to bumper.  I  figure I pass at least
another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like
36,000 cars I pass every day.  Statistically half of these
are  driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of
females 1 in 28 are  having the worst day of their period.
That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the
National Institutes of Health,  22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98.  And
34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.
According to  the National Rifle Association 5% of all
females carry weapons, and this  number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that, has a lousy love life, thinks men are her
biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or
homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is
armed.  No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM
of flipping her off.

The meek shall inherit the earth!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Criswell) - Aging
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts On Aging "How old would you be if you didn't know
how old you are?"
                 - Satchel Paige

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a
question of finding a sickness you like."
                  - Jackie Mason

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind,
...it doesn't matter.
                 - Mark Twain

Age only matters if you're cheese.

Cultivate an interest in the classics:  seduce a senior
citizen tonight.

Forget the health food.  I need all the preservatives I can
get.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway...The good fortune to run into the ones I do...And
the eyesight to tell the difference!

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 pm.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.

The big thing today is computer dating.  If you don't know
how to run a computer it really dates you.

The older you get, the better you get, (unless you're a
banana)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Fred Silver) - A Strange Buzzing Noise
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she
heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening
the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real
workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the
world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get
to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming
from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon
entering the room, he observed his daughter making
passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she
was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty- five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll
ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that
buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on
the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him
on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-
in-law

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Hal) - How To Solve A Problem
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving
down a steep  mountain road. The brakes failed and the car
careened down the road out  of control. Half way down the
driver managed to stop the car by running  it against the
embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff.  They
all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but
otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a
committee,  have meetings, and through process of exchanging
ideas, develop a  solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides
that method  never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife
here and will take apart  the brake system, isolate the
problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we
should all  push the car back up the hill and see if it
happens again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steve Judovin) - Pizza Delivery
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large
pizzas. The  delivery boy brings them up with a bill for
exactly    $30.00. Each guy gives  him a $10.00 bill, and he
leaves.

When he hands the $30.00 to the cashier, he is told a
mistake was made. The  bill was only $25.00, not $30.00. The
cashier  gives the delivery boy five  $1.00 bills and tells
him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the  pizza.

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a
thought... these guys  did not give him a tip. He figures
that since there is no way to split $5.00  evenly three ways
anyhow, he will keep two dollars for himself and give them
back three Dollars.

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains
about a mix up in  the bill, and hands the guy the three
dollars, then departs with his two  dollar tip in his
pocket.    Now the fun begins! Remember $30-$25=$5 Right? $5-
$3=$2 Right?  So what's the  problem? All is well, right?
Not quite.

Answer this: Each of the three guys originally gave $10.00
each. They each got back $1.00  in change. That means they
paid $9.00 each, which times three is $27.00.

The delivery boy kept $2.00 for a tip. $27.00 plus 2.00
equals $29.00. Where  the hell is that other dollar?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackie784) - My Mother Taught Me To Appreciate A Job
Well Done
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   ·    If  you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I
      just finished cleaning!"

   ·    My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that
      will come out of   the carpet."

   ·    My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't
      straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
      next week!"

   ·    My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's
      why."

   ·    My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear
      clean underwear,in case you're in an accident."  (That one
      haunts me till this day!)

   ·    My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll
      *give* you something to cry about."

   ·    My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
      "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

   ·    My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you
      *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

   ·    My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there
      'til all that spinach is finished."

   ·    My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a
      tornado swept   through your room."

   ·    My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If
      I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you
      listen then?"

   ·    My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you
      once, I've told  you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

   ·    My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you
      into this world, and I can take you out."

   ·    My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop
      acting like your father!"

   ·    My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of
      less fortunate children in this world who don't have
      wonderful parents like you do!"


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be found at
http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

To subscribe - send  an eMail to fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-
subscribe@eGroups.com */

                                        09-08-2000

Hi Everyone!

Sorry for this morning's delay in getting this edition of the fRIDAY
fUNNIES out (real life has a habit of getting in the way sometimes!)
Anyway, I hope these find you today and give you some great chuckles !

Have a great weekend!

                              :)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

·         Fortune Teller

·         Chain Letter

·         You Know You Need A Lawyer When …

·         Accountants and Engineers

·         Powers Lake

·         Getting Old

·         Let There Be Light

·         10 Times In History When Using the "F" Word Was
Appropriate

·         Advanced Socioeconomics

·         New Study Courses

·         Cold War Humor


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Fortune Teller
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a
fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering
into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no
easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a
widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few
deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the
fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steven Judovin) - Chain Letter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other
tired and  discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does
not cost anything.  Just send a copy of this letter to five of your
friends who are equally tired  and discontented. Then bundle up your
wife or girlfriend and send her to the  man whose name appears at the
top of the following list, and add your name to  the bottom of the
list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is
bound to  be better than the one you already have. At the writing of
this letter, a  friend of mine had already received 184 women, of
whom 4 were worth keeping.  REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One
man's pit bull died, and the next day he  received a Playboy swimsuit
model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his  widowed mother was
able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood  super
model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the
chain,  and got his own wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men!  Just add your name to the list below!

Bill Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC

William Jefferson Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC

W. J. Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC

William Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC

W Jefferson Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC

William J Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC

Slick Willie Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington, DC

Quick Zippy Billy 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington, DC

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski) - You Know You Need A Lawyer When …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway®.

2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.

3. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy?

4. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

5. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with
the little hammer, right?"

6. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since
2:25 PM."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mike Ouimet) - Accountants and Engineers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train  to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each  buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a  single ticket. "How are
three people going to travel on only  one ticket?" asks an
accountant. "Watch and you'll see,"  answers an engineer.    They all
board the train. The accountants take their  respective seats but all
Three engineers cram into a restroom  and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has  departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."  The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a  ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.    The accountants saw this and
agreed it was quite a clever  idea. So after the conference, the
accountants decide to copy  the engineers on the return trip and save
some money.    When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket
for  the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no
tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one  perplexed
accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an  engineer.    When
they board the train the three accountants cram into a  restroom and
the three engineers cram into another one  nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the  engineers leaves his restroom and
walks over to the restroom  where the accountants are hiding. He
knocks on the door and  says, "ticket please."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Hal) - Powers Lake
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in
Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with
deer hunters.  About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down
right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a
comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"

Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The
repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down
again.  This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to
Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate
our marriage?"

Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The bus was
repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke
down.  This time they were our in the woods. However, there was a
little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I
tink ve should go
back into the voods and do it."

Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere
next to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by a motel and
you said "No".  But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did
it. Why?" Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if
the bus broke down again, the f*%king season vould be over."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler via Barry) - Getting Old
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are getting old when:

...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you
answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by
the police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber
today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

...an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Lon Peper) - Let There Be Light
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The psychiatrist was doing his normal morning rounds,   and he
entered   a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the
floor, sawing at   a piece of wood with the side of his hand.
Meanwhile,   another patient   was in the room, hanging from the
ceiling by his feet.   The doctor   asked his patient what he was
doing, sitting on the   floor. The   patient replied in an irritated
fashion, "Can't you   see I'm sawing   this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And   what is the   fellow hanging from the
ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my   friend, but he's   a little crazy. He
thinks he's a light bulb." The   doctor asks, "If   he's your friend,
don't you think you should get him   down from there   before he
hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from William Teed) - 10 Times in History When Using the "F" Word Was
Appropriate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  10) "What the "F" was that?"   -   Mayor of  Hiroshima

  9)  "Where did all these "F"ing Indians come  from?"  - Custer

  8) "Any "F"ing idiot could understand that!"  -  Einstein

  7)  "It does SO "F"ing look like her."  -  Picasso

  6)  "How the "F" did you work that out?"  -  Pythagorus

  5)  "You want WHAT on the "F"ing ceiling?  -  Michaelangelo

  4)  "I don't suppose its going to "F"ing rain."  - Joan of Arc

  3) Scattered "F"ing rain...my ass."  - Noah

  2)  "I need this parade like I need a "F"ing  hole in my head."  -
JFK

  and the number 1 most appropriate reason to use  the "F" word in
history.....

  1)  "Who the "F" is gonna know!"  - Bill   Clinton

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jerry Rosenberg) - Advanced Socioeconomics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bernie,

I think we need to share these insights:

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches
a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and
success.

Here it goes.



           Knowledge is Power

           Time is Money,... and, as every engineer knows:

           Power is Work over Time.



  So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of
wisdom,  we get:



           K = P    (1)

           T = M    (2)

           P = W/T  (3)



  Now, do a few simple substitutions:



           Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:

           K = W/T  (4)



  Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:



           K = W/M  (5).



  Now we've got something.  Expanding back into English, we get:



           Knowledge equals Work over Money.



  What this MEANS is that:



           1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and

           2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.



  Solving for Money, we get:



           M = W/K  (6)

           Money equals Work Over Knowledge.



  From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge
approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.



  What THIS MEANS is:



           The More you Make, the Less you Know.



  Solving for Work, we get



           W = M K  (7)

           Work equals Money times Knowledge



  From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge
approaches  0.



  What THIS MEANS is:



           The stupid rich do little or no work.



  Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is
left  as an exercise for the reader.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Hank Levine via Barry) - New Study Courses
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses
are
now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: TEARS - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking: Carports have poles and street corners
have curbs
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from ricktrap) - Cold War Humor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Russian school teacher: "Who were the first human beings?"

Student: "Adam and Eve."

Teacher (smiling indulgently): "And what nationality were they?"

Student: "Russian."

Teacher (more seriously): "How do you know?"

Student: "They had no roof over their head, no clothes to wear, only
one apple between them, and they called it Paradise."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to
other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and
enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to
any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed -
and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
distribution list? Send an Email to
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all there is
to it!

Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
     Dr. Bernie Domanski
     Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
     ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
   found at http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm */

                          09-01-2000

Hi Everyone!

      Ducks, dogs, nuns, women, men, mommy's, … basic
      insanity this week.  Hope you get the customary
      belly laughs!

      Have a super terrific holiday weekend!!!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    Ducks
·    Dogs
·    Marvin in the Hospital
·    You Know You're Getting 'Marvelously Mature' When …
·    Inconsiderate
·    What My Mother Taught Me
·    A Couple of Campaign Ones
·    A Few From Famous Comedians
·    A Riddle
·    Some General Contributions
·    How To Impress A Woman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Peter De Lucia) - Ducks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three Texans, Jake, Johnny and Billy Bob went to a rodeo.
Unfortunately a big bull jumped the fence into the
spectators area and they were trampled to death.

Being good God-fearing Texas men, they all ascended to
Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by Saint
Peter. He said "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen".

"I am sure that you will be quite comfortable here, but I
must warn you that we do have our rules here in Heaven. If
you break them you'll be punished".

"One rule is.......never step on a duck. If you step on a
duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes
on and on". That sounded simple enough.

They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to
find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all Jake
stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked,
they made a terrible racket and it went on and on. Pretty
soon along came Saint Peter with a terribly homely woman in
tow.

" I warned you that if you broke the duck rule that you
would be punished".

He chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be
together forever", and walked away.

Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny
accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they
all quacked and made a terrible commotion and that just went
on and on.

Sure enough, along came Saint Peter with even an homelier
woman. " I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd
be punished". With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and
said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity",
and walked away. One day Saint peter came along with a drop
dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said,
" you will be together now and forever more", and walked
away. Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to
deserve this?" "I don't know about you", said the beautiful
woman, "But I stepped on a DUCK......"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mimi Tausner) - Dogs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one
says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country
actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in
America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot
dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.  "Two dogs,
please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both
hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap
their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She
begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans
over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part
did you get?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Marvin in the Hospital
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marvin was in the hospital.  He was an old man.  Anyway
there was this young nurse.  Everytime she came in, she
talked to him like a little child.  She would say in a
patronizing tone of voice "And how are we doing this
morning?!"

He had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the
tray, and put it on his stand.  He had been given a Urine
Bottle to fill.  The juice was apple juice.  You know where
the juice went.  The nurse came in and picked up the urine
bottle.  She looks at it.  "It seems we are a little cloudy
today..."

At this, he snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off
the top, and chugs it, saying, "Well, I'll run it through
again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Lon Peper) - You Know You're Getting 'Marvelously
Mature' When
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.  You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2.  Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks
and discover you aren't wearing any.
3.  At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and
you're not eating cereal.
4.  Your back goes out but you stay home.
5.  When you wake up looking like your driver's license
picture.
6.  It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7.  When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8.  When happy hour is a nap.
9.  When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before
your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother
said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be
reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to
make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts
longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking
lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the
sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were
on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel
good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just
don't  care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't
even remember being on top of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Hank Levine via Barry) - Inconsiderate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come
across the gorillas,& after a while they notice that the
male gorilla has a massive
erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just
can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to
touch it. The gorilla grabs
him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six
hours nonstop.  When he's done, the gorilla throws the man
back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is
taken away to the hospital.

A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and
asks," Are you hurt?" AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you
be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written, ...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Ron Richman and from Mike Ouimet) - What My Mother
Taught Me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If
      you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just
      finished  cleaning!"

·    My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that
will  come out of the carpet."

·    My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't
straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

·    My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's
why."

·    My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear
clean  underwear, in case you're in an accident."

·    My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll
*give* you something to  cry  about."

·    My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut  your mouth and eat your supper!"

·    My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you
*look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

·    My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there
'til all that spinach is finished."

·    My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a
tornado swept through your room."

·    My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If
I  yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would
you listen then?"

·    My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you
once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

·    My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you
into this world, and I can take you out."

·    My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop
acting like your father!"

·    My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of
less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents  like you do!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steve Judovin) - A Couple of Campaign Ones
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Latest campaign bumper sticker:

GORE - LIEBERMAN  5761
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If the Gore ticket wins the election, Lieberman will be the
first Jewish person to serve directly under a U.S. president
..... since Monica"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barry) - A Few From Famous Comedians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip
out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams

-------------------------------------------------------

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of
it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --
Roseann

-------------------------------------------------------

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men  just need a place." -
- Billy Crystal

-------------------------------------------------------

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!'" -- Dave Barry

-------------------------------------------------------

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the
front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can
kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over
to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They
say you look fat in those uniforms.' " -- Elayne Boosler

-------------------------------------------------------

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." --
George Carlin

------------------------------------------------------

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and just give her a house." -- Lewis Grizzard

  -------------------------------------------------------

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time." -- Robin
Williams

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steve Judovin) - A Riddle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 20 year old young men
on opposite sides  of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, The
other is getting  oral sex from an 85 year old woman.  They
are each thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

(Answer below)













Answer: Don't look down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Frank Ingrassia) - Some General Contributions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
==============
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
==============
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
==============
What do you call santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
==============
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.
==============
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
==============
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
==============
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
===============
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef
===============
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
  ===============
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dawn DeCristofano via Jackie784) - How To Impress A
Woman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Compliment her.
2. Respect her.
3. Honor her.
4. Cuddle her.
5. Kiss her.
6. Caress her.
7. Love her.
8. Stroke her.
9. Tease her.
10. Comfort her.
11. Protect her.
12. Hug her.
13. Hold her.
14. Spend money on her.
15. Wine and dine her.
16. Listen to her.
17. Care for her.
18. Stand by her.
19. Support her.
20. Go to the ends of the Earth for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

1. Show up naked.
2. Bring food

                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
              distribution list? Send an Email to
  fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all
                        there is to it!

            Need to unsubscribe?  Send an Email to
        fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-unsubscribe@egroups.com

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm
    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be
   found at http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm */

                          08-25-2000

Hi Everyone!

      On vacation … hot and humid … but never too moist
      for the fUNNIES …

      Have a terrific weekend … and thanks for those
      blonde jokes!

           :)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
·    Sunburned
·    Power of Prayer
·    Roosters
·    Polish Virus
·    Southern Computer Lingo
·    Blonde One-Liners
·    A Modern Fable
·    A New Blonde Joke
·    Adam and Eve
·    Letter for Success
·    Ten Commandments

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dan Tartaglia) - Sunburned
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To prepare for his big date, a friend of mine went upon to
the roof of his apartment building in order toget a little
color for himself. Not wanting any tanlines to show, he
sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep while
on the roof, andmanaged to get sunburned on his "tool of the
trade." Being very determined he decided not to miss his
datebecause it was with a hot blonde. He decided to putsome
lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this
should resolve the painful situation.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment,and he
treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went
into the living room to watch a movie.  During the movie,
however, his sunburn started acting up.  After several
minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused, went
into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He
then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced
immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering
what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with
his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Baffled the blonde
exclaimed, "So, THAT'S how you load those things!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Lon Peper) - Power of Prayer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Insert your own colleges of choice where appropriate*

Three South Carolina college students go down to Mexico on
spring break.

One night they get drunk, and wake up in jail ony to find
out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none
of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked
if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Charleston
Southern University and I believe in the almighty power of
God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the
switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want
this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I
am from the University of South Carolina School of Law and I
believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of
the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing
happens. They figure that the law is on the guy's side, so
they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from
Clemson and I am studying to be an Electrical Engineer, and
I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna 'lectrocute nobody
if you don't connect them two wires."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Clark Kidd) - Roosters
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster
for his chicken coop. So, the new rooster struts over to the
old rooster and says, "OK, old guy, time to retire." The old
rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these
chickens, look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me
have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster
says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking
over."

The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll
race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive
domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance
old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

So, they get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster
takes off running.  About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse
and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he
sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and
BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly
shakes his head, "Darn it, ...third gay rooster I bought
this month."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler via Barry and from Dave Thorn) - Polish
Virus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You have just received the "Polish Virus"  There is no one
in Poland with programming experience, consequently this
virus works on the honor system.  Please delete all of the
files from your hard drive and forward this  virus to
everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from H Pat Artis) - Southern Computer Lingo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1)   Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3
      flat tires and a trailer load of fertilizer
2)   Keyboard: Place to hang your truck keys
3)   Window: Place in your truck to hang your guns
4)   Modem: How you got rid of your dandelions
5)   Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered
with barnyard stuff
6)   Mouse: Soft, fuzzy thing that you stuff in your beer
bottle to get a free case
7)   LAN: To borrow, as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me your
truck!"
8)   Cursor: What some guys do when they get mad at their
      woman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Brian Goff) - Blonde One-Liners
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did You Hear About The Blonde That:
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too
tight?

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a
lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit
into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6
months and the box said "2 to 4 years".

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went
out...

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone
button..

7. When asked what the capital of California was, answered
"C"

8. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said
"1 hour per pound".. and she weighed 125.

9. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit
into those little packets...

10. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

11. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree..

12. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the
label said "good up to 20 pounds"...

13. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition,
complained that the other swimmers were using their arms...

14. What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc.? A blonde
at a flashing red light.

15. Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a
coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and
the top is down.".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Eddie R) - A Modern Fable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A shepherd is looking after his flock on the edge of a
deserted road. Suddenly a brand new BMW screeches to a halt
next to him.

The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti
shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and proposes
to the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep you have, will
you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep
grazing and says "All right."

The young man parks the car, connects his Toshiba notebook
and cellular modem, enters a NASA site, scans the ground
using his GPS, opens a data base and 60 Excel tables filled
with algorithms, then prints a 150-page report on his high-
tech mini-printer.

He then turns to the shepherd and says "You have exactly
1586 sheep."

The shepherd answers "That's correct; you can take your
sheep." The young man takes a nearby beast and puts it in
the back of his BMW.

The shepherd looks at him and asks "If I guess your
profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers "Yes, why not."

The shepherd says, "You are a consultant".

"How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you come here
without being called. Second, you charge me a sheep to tell
me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand
anything about what I do.

"So now please give me back my dog."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Lmeyer) - A New Blonde Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for
some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch,
all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a
strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said,
"Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest
feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say
something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be
warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked
into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all
eternity!"

The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror,
the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us
three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of
money.

The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most
talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a
brand new Lexus in her hands.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the
blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I  think..." and
was promptly sucked into the mirror.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Hal) - Adam and Eve
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....
When Adam
stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You know
you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by a
strange pain in the chest.

It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about
the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs!" said Eve.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackie784) - Letter for Success
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Lord,

Every evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head:

God bless my Mom and Dad
And bless my little pup,
And look out for my sister
When things aren't looking up.

And God, there's one more thing
I wish that you could do...
Hope you don't mind me asking
But bless my computer too?

Now I know that it's not normal
To bless a mother board,
But listen just a second
While I explain to you, My Lord.

You see, that little metal box
Holds more to me than odds & ends.
Inside those small compartments
Rest a hundred of my BEST FRIENDS!

I know for sure they like me
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Is how I travel to where they live.

By faith is how I know them,
Much the same as you.
I share in what life brings them -
From that our friendship grew.

Please add this little prayer
To your duties up above:
Bless this scrap of metal
That's filled with so much love!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Ten Commandments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a little known tale of how God came to give the Jews
the Ten Commandments.

God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would
like a commandment.

"What's a commandment?" they asked.

"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied
God.

The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that
would  ruin our weekends."

So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they
would like a commandment.

They also asked, "What's a commandment?"

"Well," said God,"It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."

The Assyrians immediately replied,"No way. That would ruin
our  economy."

So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they
wanted a  commandment.

They asked, "How much?"?

God said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!


                   +++++++++++++++++++++++++
              Hope everybody has a great weekend!

    tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a
   lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other
   lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No
    personal offense is intended to any group of humans or
    aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions are
    actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and
         should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
           fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

  Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
distribution list? Send an Email to fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-
      subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all there is to it!

  Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
         http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
                      Dr. Bernie Domanski
       Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
       ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

/* Current & past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can always be found at
http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm */

08-18-2000

Hi Everyone!

Well, we're tryin' something new this week.  eGroups.com is being
used to distribute the fRIDAY fUNNIES for me, as it appears that list
maintenance will be greatly simplified … and it likely will
improve
the speed for delivery too.  But I'm pretty sure that eGroups will be
putting a small advertisement at the top of each Email message
(that's what they get out of the deal)!!

We'll give it a shot … if you don't mind the ad, let me know.
And if
you do mind, let me know that too, ok?  My mission here is only to
simplify my life and to continue to maintain the high quality of the
fRIDAY fUNNIES to the standards you've become accustomed to!

Thanks to everyone who took the time to submit a fUNNY … there
were
so many submissions this week … it was tough!

Note, I'll be away next week getting some desperately needed R&R
(reading 10 thousands jokes each week is hard work) … but I will
try
my best to get next weeks' fUNNIES out to you on time!

Hope you all have a dynamite weekend!!

:)> Dr Bernie

Contents -
· 3 Sinners
· Getting Old
· Good, Better, Best
· Lets Get Technical
· Hehehe
· For the Internet-Addicted
· Too Much
· Two Nuns Painting
· Top 10 Liebermans
· Christmas Presents
· How Yodeling Began

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Clark Kidd) - 3 Sinners
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first
person to come up was Howard Stern.

The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"

"I've offended people all over the country."

The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you
absolution."

Next was Bill Clinton.

"What is your sin?"

Clinton said, "I cheated on my wife."

The Pope looks at him and says, "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you
and grant you absolution."

The Pope then asked a third sinner, "What is your name?"

"Monica Lewinsky."

The Pope said, "Maybe you should remain standing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Clark Kidd and from CookieSJE) - Getting Old
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Getting ...

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to
take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg) - Good, Better, Best
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GOOD: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting too many. Then, he discovered the problem. A 10-year
old boy was standing up the road from him with a hand-painted sign
which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a younger
accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full
of change.

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through
an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute,
he sent the police department a picture of the $40.The police
department responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolmen's Ball". He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then silently closed his book, got back on his
motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for
several minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Nickie Smith via Lon Peper) - Lets Get Technical
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and  approaches
the Pearly Gates of Heaven...

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill  Clinton,
formerly the President of the United States and  Leader of the Free
World."

"Oh...Mr....... President! What may I do for you?" asks St.
Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your  sins.
What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana,  but you
can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale.  There were
inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you  can't call
it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual  relations.' And I
made some statements that were misleading,  but legally accurate, but
you can't call it 'bearing false  witness' because, as far as I know,
it didn't meet the legal  standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and
declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot,  but we
won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but  we won't
call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have  to abandon
all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to  freeze over."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - Hehehe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During our church service on Sunday,a parishioner was speaking about
an emotionally charged subject and had trouble controlling her
tears.  Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I
apologize for crying so much.  I'm usually not such a big boob." The
bishop rose to close the session and remarked,"That's okay. We like
big boobs."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski) - For the Internet-Addicted
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually.  Sure,
Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell
does deliveries, but, mark my words:  some day you're going to HAVE
to push away from the computer and go . . . OUTSIDE.  Here's a guide:

1.  Wear Pants - Countless attempts to better oneself have been cut
tragically short by leaving the house without proper attire.

2.  Use Your Real Name - Sorry, but nobody will be impressed if you
go by the name "2HOT4U", "Monarch" or "SATAN666." Names like "Steve"
or "Greg" are just fine.

3.  The Telephone is Your Friend - Hear that ringing sound? Pick up
the phone.  Now speak into it.

4.  If Your Car Crashes, You Cannot Simply Reboot It.

5.  Do Not Be Surprised That Nobody Looks Like Gillian Anderson.

6.  Do Not Flame People - Comparing everyone you disagree with to
unclean primates will not win you friends.  In fact, you may get into
a physical fight.  If so, the next tip may be of help.

7.  That Red Stuff is Called Blood - Not to be confused with ketchup,
blood is what keeps you alive.  If you are leaking, the real world
offers human tech support in the form of doctors and hospitals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from John Epler via Barry) - Too Much
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that
he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had
more than one   complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total
frustration, "is there anything you   can do for me?" The doctor
replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can   do. But, I do know
this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him
directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis
is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me?
You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her
head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your
problem. Do this. Go   deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In
this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has
magic. You say to frog, will you marry  me? When the frog says no,
you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called
out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him
dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his
penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is
great! But it's still too
long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog,
will you  marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back
in its head and  screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in
his penis, looked down,  and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man
laughed,"This is fantastic." He   looked down at his penis again, 15
inches long, and reflected for a moment.  Fifteen inches is still a
monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked
across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog
looked back across the pond shaking its head,"How many times do I
have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dave Thorn) - Two Nuns Painting
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being
renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that
they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and
a man enters.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steve Judovin) - Top 10 Liebermans
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another Top Ten possible ramifications of Lieberman being a heartbeat
away From the Oval Office:
1. National Anthem changed to "Sunrise, Sunset".
2. We all have to go the White House once a week for dinner -
and bring something from the bakery.
3. Martin Sheen replaced on "West Wing" by Gary Shandling.
4. New Secretary of State - Barbara Streisand.
5. National symbol changed from bald eagle to "The Early Bird".
6. Annual Easter Egg Hunt changed to "Find the Matzoh Ball".
7. "Hail to the Chief" replaced with "Get A Load of the Big
Macher".
8. White House interns - shiksas only!!
9. Plastic covers on White House furniture.
10. Balance the Budget? - Buy everything wholesale



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jim Mayne) - Christmas Presents
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man called Paul wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart's Christmas present and as they had not been dating for
very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of
gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too
personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods
and  bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a
pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the
shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves
and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents the
young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the
following note:

"Dear Mary, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of  wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not
been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the
buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These
are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the
pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also
told me that  her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in
fact she had not needed to  wash it since she had begun wearing them.
I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no
doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see
you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them before
putting  them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Just think  how many times my lips will kiss them during the
coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love

Paul


P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Peter De Lucia) - How Yodeling Began
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back in  the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland.
Nightfall was  rapidly approaching and the man had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a  farm- house and asked the farmer if he could spend
the night. The farmer told  him that it would be all right and that
he could sleep in the barn.

The  man went into the barn to bed down and the farmer went back to
the house ... the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked
the farmer, "Who  was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through ... he needed a place

to stay for the night, so I said that he  could sleep in the barn."
The daughter then asked the farmer, "Did you offer  him anything to
eat?" "Gee, no I didn't," the farmer answered.

Daughter replied, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went
into  the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to
the barn.  The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning
to the house.  When she returned, her clothes were all disheveled and
buttoned up  wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up
in her long blond hair.  She immediately went up the stairs to her
bedroom and went to  sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked the  farmer why
their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know,"  he said. "I
told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and  our daughter took
him some food."

"Oh," replied the wife. "Did you offer  the man anything to drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't."

"I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife
went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn.
She did  not return for over an hour ... when she did return, her
clothes were also messed up and she had straw twisted into her  blond
hair. She went straight upstairs and into bed.

Next  morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on
his journey,  waving to the farmer as he left the farm ... a few
hours later, the daughter  woke up and came rushing downstairs. She
went right out to the barn, only to find it  empty. She ran back into
the house. "Where's the man from the barn?"  she eagerly asked the
farmer.

Her father answered, "He left several hours  ago."

"What?" she cried. "He left without saying good-bye? After all we
had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to  me."

"What?" shouted the father ... he ran out into the front yard
looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of
the  mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You
had sex with  my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his  hands
next to his mouth, and yelled out,

"I LAID DE OLADEE TOO!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to
other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and
enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to
any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
Contributions are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed -
and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@egroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the
distribution list? Send an Email to fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-
subscribe@egroups.com .  That's all there is to it!

Finally, past issues of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://domanski.cs.csi.cuny.edu/archives.htm

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Dr. Bernie Domanski
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©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2000.  All Rights Reserved.

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08-04-2000

Hi Everyone!

Be prepared … some of this weeks' fUNNIES will make you groan out
loud!  A great collection to get you started on a grand weekend !!!

'See' you next week!

:)> Dr Bernie


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Contents -

·         Another Groaner

·         The Sailor

·         Camp David Negotiations

·         The Sign

·         Moses and George W

·         Is It Male or Female?

·         Blondes, Brunettes and Bulls

·         School Plan

·         Miracle

·         Equal Opportunity Bashing

·         Dogfight

·         Two Kids Talkin' in the Hospital


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(from Clark Kidd and from Steve Judovin) - Another Groaner

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to
know  each other so well, they decided to get married.  One broom
was, of course,  the bride broom and the other the groom broom.  The
bride broom looked ery  beautiful in her white dress.  The groom
broom was handsome and suave in his  tuxedo.  The wedding was lovely.

  After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over
and  said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little
whisk broom!

  Impossible! said the groom broom.  "We haven't ever swept together!"




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(from Dick Szeide) - The Sailor

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at
about 3 am.

The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.
Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the
officer
ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this
anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his
charge. As he  began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The
sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the
tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left,
only
to return and light once again on the broom handle.

The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the
same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only
sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his
wayward sailor.

"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no
cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself,
sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and
couldn't sweep a link!"


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(from Ivan Gelb) - Camp David Negotiations

Dateline Camp David, Maryland:

In the first tri-lateral meeting between Clinton, Barak and Arafat,
Barak made the following speech:

"Thousands of years ago, when the first Jewish Temple stood in what
is now called East Jerusalem, the High Priest would disrobe from his
fine priestly garb to go to the mikveh - ritual bath - to spiritually
cleanse himself before entering the Holy of Holies.  On one such
occasion he
emerged from the mikveh to find that his holy garments had been
stolen....and we believe that the Palestinians stole them."

At this, Chairman Arafat jumped up and exclaimed: "This is lies, this
is ridiculous!  There weren't even any Palestinians around at that
time!"

"And from that point", replied PM Barak, "we can start the
negotiations".


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(from Fred Silver) - The Sign

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign
reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The
town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so the good doctors
changed it to "Hysteria's and Posteriors." This was not acceptable
either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No
go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonies." Thumbs down again,
so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not
good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds". Unacceptable again, so they
tried "Lost Souls and Assholes."   Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and
Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and
Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either. They finally settled
on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.


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(from Clark Kidd) - Moses and George W

George W Bush was going thru an airport and noticed an odd looking
old  fellow, and after a bit of study came to the conclusion that he
looked  like Moses.  He went over to him and asked "Aren't you
Moses?"  He got no  attention from  his question.

Bush walked on, and later ran into the guy again, repeated his
question and got the same non-response.  He walked on and later came
upon  the old fellow once again.  "Sir," he said, "I have noticed you
a couple of  times before and asked whether you were Moses, and each
time you ignored my  question, but I still think you are Moses.  Why
have you not responded to  me?"

This time he got a response:  "Well, I am Moses, but I didn't want
to  talk to you because the last time I talked to a bush it took me
40 years  to get home."


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(from Jackie784) - Is It Male or Female?



An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of
gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes
at one time were given only feminine names and how ships and planes
were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised their
hands and asked, "What "gender" is a computer?"  The teacher wasn't
certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males
in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer
should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four
reasons for  their recommendation. The group of women concluded that
computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:



1.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2.  They have a lot of data,  but are still clueless.

3.  They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they are the problem.

4.  As soon as you commit to one,  you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.



The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely
be referred to in the feminine gender because:



1.  No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3.  Even your smallest  mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.

4.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


----------------------------------------------------------------------
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(from Chuck Hopf) - Blondes, Brunettes and Bulls

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette
balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west
to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.  Upon
leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy
the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell
it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest
town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks
into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my
sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.  I need her
to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we
can haul it home."  The telegraph operator explains that he'll be
glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After
thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send
her the word, 'comfortable'."  The telegraph operator shakes his
head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the
trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull
back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"  The
brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.  Come --
for -- da -- bull."


----------------------------------------------------------------------
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(from Tom Sokolowski) - School Plan

Chris' dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to
be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.

Chris enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's
been married for twenty years."

That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it
they'll be giving you a speaking part."


----------------------------------------------------------------------
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(from Hal Schmitt) - Miracle

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat
was attacked by the Loch Ness monster.  In one easy flip, the beast
tossed him and his boat high into the air.  Then it opened its mouth
to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God!  Help
me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the
clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded.  "two minutes ago
I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"




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(from John Epler via Barry) - Equal Opportunity Bashing





What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? --45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? --45 mins.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? --Sexual Harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? --$3.99 a  minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but
the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? --The sex is the same, But
you get the remote.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? --Humpme Dumpme.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? --
Marriage.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? -- None, they just
sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? --Through his chest with a
sharp knife.

What have men and floor tiles got in common? -- If you lay them
properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring
and good-looking? -- Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex? -- A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry? -- "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? - After a
year the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? --The
same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

What do you call a smart blonde? -- A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who can
have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman who
ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a man? -- A battery has
a positive side.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? -- Because when you take
it  off, you wonder where the breasts went.




----------------------------------------------------------------------
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(from Marilyn Kanas) - Dogfight

At the height of the Intafada, the Israelis and Arabs realized that,
if  they  continued, they would someday end up destroying the world.
So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a
dogfight.  The negotiators agreed that each country would take five
years to develop  the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won
the fight  would earn its  country the right to rule the world. The
losing side would have to lay down  its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the
world.  They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with
the meanest  Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest,
strongest puppy from each  litter, killed all the other puppies and
fed the lone dog all of the milk.  They used steroids and trainers in
their quest for the perfect killing  machine, until, after the five
years were up, they had a dog that needed  iron prison bars on his
cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a
strange  animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund.  Everyone felt
sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal  stood
a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies
predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.  The cages were
opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.
As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened
its  jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing
left but a  small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in
disbelief.  "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders
worked for five years  with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and
Rottweilers. They developed a  killing machine."  "Really?" the
Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for  five
years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"


----------------------------------------------------------------------
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(from Alan Schulman) - Two Kids Talkin' in the Hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a
little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about.  I had that
done when I was four.  They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.  It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa!  I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year!"


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+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: drbernie@...
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