dare_community : Message: Healing Circle Healing

Dear All -

I am re-posting this journey as requested by Gail, now our new and improved 'virtual yurt' is up and running again, thanks to her amazing persistance and dedication!

This writing shares what happened to me the night of the Healing Circle when Mandaza was with us.

When I read it at the Dream Circle the next morning, he said it was not personal to me and needed to be shared and studied and so I thought the way was to send it to Gail to pass onto the Dare' community, which she did. (I'm not sure I would have shared it otherwise.)

Thank you to those who responded before. It is good to hear and know we are all in this together.

And the healing continues.....always....with all of us.

love,

debra

From: Debra Langford <debrainusa@...>
Written: Saturday, June 30, 2007 1:36:55 AM
Subject: Healing Circle Healing

The Healing Circle began quietly.

I drummed lightly, listening...

listening to Mandaza's 'mbera', Sarah's drum, Billy's rhythm playing,

listening, opening my eyes to Billy's tamborine,

seeing the people gathering in

seeing the healing begin

I watch food being put on a small table,

wondering if I should set up the big table,

wondering,

not wanting to break the sound of the drum

seeing the small table is fine

I let go

no more fear I'm not doing my job

I set my drum aside, hoping, knowing,

someone will pick it up

and play

and I move

around the circle

sending energy in,

sending energy out,

letting my body do what it wants

stopping behind Wilderness

in her cloak and staff

doing powerful magic

I honor and cleanse

around her

My body takes me around the circle

and it stops behind a woman

sitting cross legged

I know it is Kim

and I love her

the healing is full of love

wanting and wishing

this beautiful woman

to feel soothed

and nourished

and freed

and held

and cleansed

and loved

I move around the circle

finding my way to Jane's feet

feeling a deep wish

to earth her

for she is doing strong

releasing

of her pain

Thank you Jane.

I move around the circle to Mandaza

with Chuck working on his back

gathering and taking and transcending

Mandaza's pain

I find my way to his feet

Chuck places big crystal where it needs to go

And waves and cleanses with feather magic

I work up Mandaza to his back

to his neck,

to the places that need healing

my hands are drawn to where they need to go

I let them do what they know

I am a follower

Being guided by my hands and the body

and spirit beneath them calling me

Mandaza turns and speaks

and says I am a healer and

he is being told

I must go into the bush

alone

where I will receive more healing.

I do as I am told.

I leave the yurt

shoes on,

walking,

wondering

where is the bush?

I feel it 'should' be in trees

I am wandering in the direction of the pond

but am torn.

That is the water, not the bush

I let go and find myself next to the path

weeping, crying, lost

I hear footsteps

walking up the path

coming closer

pouring water in front of me

I feel it is Allison

I can't see,

my eyes are closed

I am weeping

As she moves away

she asks,

Is there anything I can do for you Dear?

I say, I think you just did it

She does not hear clearly, so I say it again

She comes closer

I kiss her cheek

She moves away

I wander down to the water

I walk on the lower dock

It wobbles

I walk to the end, almost into the water

Internally, the words and thoughts come to me

I am open to receive this healing

I climb onto the upper dock

I turn around and sit

I lie down, feeling the hard planks on my back,

my body facing upwards

I am there for a long time

In no time

I go through much

and I will write what I can

it is not all here

and the order of thoughts are not necessarily chronological

I am writing so as not to forget the essence of this journey

I am lying on my back,

my legs are bent, feet on the dock, knees resting together

I am shaking

I am feeling cold, lots of tension, lots of shaking

I open my eyes and look at the sky

for I realize it is uncanny

but it is divided

light and dark

and I am lying exactly beneath the line that divides the night sky,

light on the right,

dark on the left

me right in the middle

I let my mind wander and ponder this division

I want to turn towards the light

and see and feel it

I don't want to turn towards the darker sky

I close my eyes

and let the concept of light and dark

fill me with all that it brings

I remember my fear

I remember I am afraid of the dark

I remember that feeling

I remember that cliche' almost

I remember the darkness that struck when I was young

I cry out, still, almost 50 years later

I cry out and ask WHY???????

I let the tears out

I let the sounds out

I am grateful Mandaza said come alone

so I can really be free to let it all be

and take me

I open my eyes and see the sky

and I ponder the light and dark

for it has changed

the line is not right above me now

and there are ribs of darkness in the light part

and there are swirls of lighter shades in the dark part

I see a moving flashing light in the corner of my eye,

travelling along the sky

from the light side to the dark

I ponder the light and dark in the world

I look closely and realize the sky has changed again

and there is a third section now above me

a middle section

the one where the light and dark sides overlap

and meet

a triangle of gray area

and this is what I am beneath now

I ponder the dark and light in the world

in my life

in me

I honor there are gray areas

there is a place for grey areas

a purpose

for this is where the light and dark blend.

I turn to thinking about right and wrong

and again I cry out in a great wave of tears

and the sound of grieving

for the concept of right and wrong

for all the wrong I did

hiding in the dark

and all the wrong that was done to me

in the dark

I cry for the pain

I see why I am afraid of the dark

I see why I am scared when I can't see in the dark

I see now why I cried when I left dare' last year and didn't have my torch

and found myself wandering around and around in the dark

calling out - help! I'm lost! Will someone please help me.

I was afraid.

And Jeff found me and guided me in the right direction

He appeared and said it is this way

and I remember the road shone so brightly and easily when he appeared.

I return to the moment.

I return to my fear.

I remember how much I have been scared.

I remember how I have hidden in the dark.

Quiet as a mouse.

Afraid.

I call out and ask that my fear be eased.

I have had so much fear

I have been told I am wrong so much in my life

I think about right and wrong.

I think about when I read in the Conversation with God books

to imagine if everything you've ever been told was wrong was actually right,

and everything you were ever told was right, imagine if it was wrong?

I take comfort, for in its illogical way, it makes perfect sense to me.

I look at the sky

and I see there are no lines now between the light and dark.

I see the stars still, seeming to be a few more now.

I close my eyes,

My body is still shaking.

My hips and legs are very tense.

I feel the cold

I feel the circle in the yurt

I can not move yet.

I ponder light and dark again.

I open my eyes

and indeed the blending is stronger.

I am seeing very clearly

my eyes wide open.

I feel a calm

I am getting a real sense of what blending light and dark is.

I hear footsteps approaching.

Two people are walking on the dock.

I think it is two people from the yurt

imagining they will see me lying on the dock, eyes wide open, knees raised,resting against each other.

I let my eyes slightly move in their direction for they have a flashlight and the light is bright.

For a flicker of a second, I realize the flashlight is on me

and then they are running away, back to where they came from.

And suddenly another wave of emotion and memory fills me

and I weep

and I remember another time I was petrified in my life

I was in hospital

I had given birth to my oldest son

and I had flipped into an altered state

and I was brought to a hospital with my son

and one night I was in my room in the middle of the night and had to change.

There was one small pane of glass in the door

and this one night I had to get up to change and

I had not turned the light on.

And suddenly light was on me and I turned and it was

the bright light of a flashlight and the staff person holding it

looking at me through this pane of glass in the door.

And I screamed.

I was completely filled with uncontrollable fear.

I felt like an animal or prisoner

totally exposed

being watched through the glass

and blinded by the sudden and very bright light.

And so the memory filled me,

and then it came to me.

The darkness and the light.

I look at the sky and I see the blending of the shades of light and darkness.

I turn towards the darker area and face my fears of the dark.

I turn towards the light area and allow it to also fill me.

I remember the fridge magnet I have on my fridge that says,

It is in the darkest skies

that stars are best seen.

And I know this saying. I get it.

I start feeling the yin yang idea of everything contains its apparent opposite.

And yet I feel I have taken it too literally.

It is not such a clear line of differentiation between the light and dark swirls.......

ahhh, it swirls. So there is movement.

But lying on the dock, I realized all these years I was taking too literally the black and white.

I ponder the sky and see it is blending more and more and there is becoming less differentiation between the light and dark sides.

I think about that light lights the darkness,

but what does the darkness do for the light?
I feel the dark is lit up by the light?
But what does the dark offer the light?

I feel the dark can be transformed by the light,

but how does the dark transform the light?

And I saw literally with looking at the sky,

the light penetrates the darkness and the dark penetrates the light.

And it happens by drawing the dark to the light

and equally drawing the light to the dark.

And then it came to me.

Of course, you can't see the light without the darkness, for it would not show.

And you can't see the darkness without the light, or it would not show.

And there is no right and wrong in God's world for 'he' created everything perfectly.

And then the word temperance came to me.

The dark tempers the light.

It softens the light.

I buy low energy 'soft light bulbs'.

I light my home at night with soft lighting.

I need a dim switch.

Yes, the dark tempers the light.

And yes, the dark shows the light,

but when the light is too bright in the darkness,

it scares people

and it blinds them.

I am lying on the dock

and I am shaking.

My knees are propped up

and the sky is above me

the water just below

The dark and light have blended perfectly now,

the stars are numerous, some brighter than others.

And I let the thoughts sink in to me.

When the light is too bright in the darkness,

it scares people

and it blinds them.

I think about my light.

I think about my fear and how often I have been afraid.

I think about when I scare people.

I think when my light is too bright in the darkness,

I scare people

or I blind them so they cannot see anything.

And I think about temperance.

And I pray for temperance.

I pray for softness.

I remember from Tai Chi - 'Strength through softness'.

I let the calm wash over me.

I open my eyes.

The sky now has the light containing and surrounding the darkness.

In the corner of my eye I see a small flashing light moving back across the sky

and I feel ahhhh- yes, his journey has followed mine.

I see the formation of stars above me and I think they look like a sideways letter 'y'.

And then I look closely and it actually is a long handled peace sign.

I thank the sky for being such a teacher.

I get up and have a hard time standing.

I walk along the dock and see the water spreading out in front of me and know

it is such a wonderful reflection of the sky.

I look up and thank the bright star above in that direction for it's clarity and peace of mind.

I turn and thank the star above for its hope and wish for health.

I turn and thank the star above for its wisdom.

I turn and thank the last star above for understanding and love.

I turn and face the water and sky and trees and honor the gift of being there and all it has brought me.

I feel one with everything.

As I walk back up the path and under the trees

and see their branches and leaves sillhouetted against the lighter sky above

I see the dark and beauty of their blackness

I see the light beyond coming through

I take comfort in the darkness

and remember how soothing the darkness is

I am protected by the darkness

and I remember when I am too much in the light

I feel exposed

Too exposed

The darkness shields me

I smile with this feeling and memory

as I think, yes, of course.

I return to the yurt just in time to finish the healing circle,

knowing it has been a tremendous healing for all

and it continues.....always.....forever

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